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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Buzzboi's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, December 27th, 2003 | |
| 1:43 am | Transition Progress... Well, it's been a while yet again... still don't have the phone on at home, and therefore don't have regular internet access... excuses, excuses... I've had my first two appointments with the psych... I have heard all sorts of horror stories about this guy, most of which tell me that he is the 'gate-keeper' of the program here in South Australia. I know quite a few people (know of at least) who have had huge problems with the assessment part of the program... I'm not one of them. The program structure as it stands here is such that; 3 months minimum initial assessment conducted by Rob Lyons psychiatrist; referral to a psychologist & another psychiatrist for final assessment and admission to the program; referral to Rob Jones gyno/endo/etc. for physical/hormonal assessment; Testosterone; 12 months on program = surgery... After 2 months I have a guarantee of that first referral letter in two weeks time... I have been subjected to a test that is supposed to indicate how your brain is wired, and I am apparently the most male entity ever encountered by Dr Lyons, and he has tested over 2000 people with this. I was highly amused by that one... I spent the majority of the rest of the day running around saying "WHO'S THE MAN?!?!?!" Dr Lyons believes that I don't have a gender issue, which is something I have been saying for years... I don't believe I have a gender issue... I know who I am, and what, where, how, when... I offer no apologies for that... but I am not comfortable in my own skin, my issue is one of body image (to the extreme) not of gender!!! Dr Lyons has promised that he will do everything possible to fast-track my gender treatment, so that I can get on with my life normally as quickly as possible. But while I have the opportunity I'll be working on some other emotional issues with him in my appointment times, he doesn't see that it's going to be necessarry for us to discuss my gender identification, unless of course, I want to. :) There's this part of me that is really having trouble believing that it's been so easy when I have worked for/on this for so long... it's looking like it might fit my usual pattern though... once I make my decision and do something about it... it happens before you can even blink!!!
Current Mood:  ecstatic |
| Sunday, August 31st, 2003 | |
| 6:52 pm | I feel like everything is rushing past me at the moment... time is flying, my psych appointment is fast approaching, and I still can't get a straight answer out of DHS... and then to top that off I find out that it pays to flaunt the law, in the form of Testosterone. Things seem to be settling down a lot... we have a new home (pick up the keys Friday), I have a new job (permanent after 6 months), and things at home just feel really good at the moment (in spite of the stressful outbursts that have happened). I feel really calm, comfortable... just hints of anger, frustration, etc. :) Just enough to give my life a little colour (even though it doesn't feel like that at the time). Start my new job tommorrow... kind of looking forward to it, but also kind of scared... hoping to keep my head under control, although I have definitely been a lot better than I was... still haven't done anything about the eo stuff though... slack bastard that I am. Should be a good opportunity to learn some new skills and get a shitload of PLC experience under my belt... which will eventually lead to endless opportunity, to the point of 'name-my-price' kind of jobs... Holdens offered me a job again, it'll be interesting to see if I get offered it again (I applied through them as well as the temp agency), still not sure, if I do it will be the third time, and I might take it... still thinking about it... :) Opportunity knocks, and at the risk of being called an opportunist, I think I might answer, before I lose my chance... Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Friday, August 22nd, 2003 | |
| 10:06 pm | ...been a while... ...but here is a brief update of how things are going... ...my head is getting better, although I have an absolute shocker right now (explaining any typos) ...work is fantastic, I've been qualified for about 2 months now, and worked the whole time (temping), and now I have been offered two jobs - Holdens, & SAGE Automation. Even though my bank account was begging me to go to Holdens, I have gone with SAGE purely for the amount I will learn, and the skills and experience I'll get, I'll be able to go anywhere with that behind me. ...home life is good, even though it's been a bit emotionally charged of late - I love you Shain, thank you for being there for me... just in case I don't tell you enough. ...living, loving, experiencing, growing... does it really get much better than this?? :) Current Mood: contemplative |
| Wednesday, May 14th, 2003 | |
| 12:47 am | Rang the psych's office here in Adelaide today, made an appointment, and tried to get some information about standards, etc. Surprise, surprise, I was told that he only discusses that stuff within the time of a consultation... I have to get back in touch with the Health Commission... tomorrow afternoon I think. Current Mood: amused |
| 12:36 am | Work... All those who wished me well on the work issue, thanks... Just thought I'd let those interested parties know what happened... I didn't exactly win... But they sure as hell didn't either!!! I have to go back to work after negotiations as to the length of time I will have to stay there, and discussions over the discrimination issues. All the trans stuff will be brought to the table, and they will be required to inform/educate prospective host employers as to my situation, they will be required to refer to me with my chosen name, and appropriate pronouns, as well as make sure that I don't even catch a wiff of any sort of talk about me, on site or off. Not sure if I'm gonna be able to handle the stress of it all... they've lied to me before, and I don't doubt they'd do it again... but I've applied for another job (more interesting & much more rewarding) and have left it up to the fates... not sure if I want to move interstate, but if it's meant to be, it will be. So thanks for the support, and thanks for listening. Have Fun!! Jaye. Current Mood: relieved |
| Monday, May 12th, 2003 | |
| 11:26 pm | I'm sorry, but this seems to be necessary... WHEN WILL PEOPLE JUST GET THE FUCK OVER THEMSELVES???? Current Mood:  frustrated |
| Sunday, May 11th, 2003 | |
| 11:04 pm | There was a job advertised in the paper... it would mean moving interstate, but at the moment I don't think that would be such a bad idea... I'm getting really sick of people bitching at me, telling me how I have to be if I am going to assume a specific label... I'm taking my time to transition... it's not something I want to deal with at work (with my current employer at any rate), they can't even support me as a female on site, let alone a queer trannyboi... I haven't done anything to have a go at anyone... I'm not interested in starting some big slagging match... but to me if someone is professing to offer support through a 'community' then they should be able to take people at face value, as what they say they are, regardless of their own personal issues, for the betterment of the group. The thing I take offence to is when someone who professes to be a part of the FTM community, tries to take on a role as a 'leader' of some sort who then turns around knocks down another FTM by denying them respect for their identity and their own struggle, as well as the right to identify yourself in your own words... I'm not the only one he's done this to, just the only one who has been publicly humiliated by him... he's done this to many others, it's just been behind their backs... and I have kept his confidence, and continued to show him the respect he denies me by using his own words to define him... in my eyes that proves who the bigger man is. I don't have to PROVE myself to anyone... I don't have to jump through the hoops in order to claim my own identity... I am who I am, no apologies, no explanations... and Jay, you and many others have been told, if you don't like it, then you don't have to be here... walk away, like the man you keep saying you are. Current Mood: aggravated |
| Friday, May 9th, 2003 | |
| 12:54 am | Work sucks... Had the hearing today for the dispute between myself and my employer (they want to fire me... and I don't want them to) It sounds like the DRC are leaning towards sending me back to work for PEER... I'm not sure if I can physically handle the stress of going back there... they were asking me what it would take for me to feel that I could go back, and basically I don't think it's possible. I would need to have an absolute shitload of support to ensure that I didn't cop anymore crap, and I couldn't handle having to be responsible for ensuring they were being watched... basically it all comes back to me... I'm out as a tranny with work now, and if I go back I'll be speaking to them in depth about that... I will demand that my preferred name is used, I will demand that PEER follow up on any hint of discrimination, and I will demand that my host employer be 'screened' for their suitability to take on a queer little bastard tranny boy like me. I'm going to start my transition... and I demand FULL support to do so. I don't think PEER are capable of that level of support, but I'm going to push it until I get either the result that I want, or as close to it as is humanly possible... they are in for one hell of an education!!! Current Mood:  determined |
| Sunday, April 6th, 2003 | |
| 9:39 pm | I've been thinking over the past few days about what I want to do with my life... in particular if this stuff with work doesn't pan out the way I want it to... I'm not sure... I have found it hard in the past to find a balance between the practical, hands-on type of work that I seem to really crave, and something that is intellectually stimulating, and will challenge me beyond what anything physical ever will. I'm not sure that I can take the current line of work any further towards something more stimulating... I know I'm not capable of being a designer, or engineer, I don't have (and am completely unable to get) the maths skills I'd need to take it further in that direction... unfortunately the only other way I can take that is into assembly, which I get the feeling won't be COMPLETELY stimulating... :/ I've been throwing around the idea of going back to uni... assuming I could get in in the first place. I was interested in doing psychology/psychiatry when I first went to uni... can't remember why it didn't come up on my application list, I think I was concentrating more on other things, and that the course of study itself is fucking huge... I'm pretty sure it involves a year of study that you just CAN'T do here... not sure... might look into it. Current Mood:  curious |
| Saturday, April 5th, 2003 | |
| 3:26 pm | It seems this is necessary.... Disclaimer. This production is a work of truth, however, it should not, and can not be applied to any one person. This is a collection of my experiences, and IS NOT directed at any one person, or even a group of people. I maintain that this is a PERSONAL journal, kept to house my PERSONAL thoughts and feelings. For those of you who have read this, and taken offence, I apologise, but as I said in the last post... if I have a problem with you, I will speak to you, privately and confidentially. Thank you for listening. Hope you enjoy the show. Current Mood:  melancholy |
| Friday, April 4th, 2003 | |
| 1:51 am | I should have been in bed hours ago... I have a headache... so what's new?? Sometimes I really feel like people hate me... am I really that bad?? One of the things that really frustrates me is when people don't/won't/can't talk to me when they have a problem with me... they bitch/complain/talk behind my back, and that hurts more than anything they could have said to my face. I don't play head-fuck games... I am totally and completely incapable of doing it, I say what I mean and mean what I say, no bull-shit, no hidden meanings, no explanations, no apologies. It seems that people have trouble 'reading' me... I think it's sad that they don't recognise honesty when they see it. I feel like I have too much faith in people most of the time, I believe that if someone wants to know me, they'll ask... if they want to understand, they'll ask... if they have a problem, they'll tell... without blame, without emotion. Am I really so scary that no-one can approach me with a question?? 'Cos I guarantee that if there is something that is bothering you, it is most probably because of some misunderstanding... and I am totally oblivious to anything that I have done/said wrong (truth is never wrong, but often misunderstood)... so if you want it to get better, you need to let it out rather than letting it fester inside of you. I am sick of feeling like everything is my fault... and it's going to stop here, I refuse to take responsibility for other people's feelings... you have chosen to react in that way; you have chosen to believe that you are so important in my life that I am constantly planning some conspiracy against you; you have chosen to walk away; you have chosen not to take advantage of the opportunity to get to know another person; you have chosen to mistrust my truth... I don't have all the answers for everybody, but I see myself as an honest, open person... I will answer, as truthfully as possible, ANY question asked of me (within reason of course)... but it is MY truth, MY experience, MY life. The people I hold close to my heart, I thought they knew me... enough to know that if I said or did anything that offended/hurt/confused them, then they could tell/ask me to explain myself, I thought they trusted me enough to realise that I would never be consciously malicious towards them, that any harsh words were a result of miscommunication, of my inability to express myself with the love and truth that beats in my heart for them. Sometimes I just feel so inadequate... I don't have the words for the truth that I feel, nor for the love... and it seems that I am unable to prove it in my actions, and for this I apologise profusely, I only hope you can forgive me, and believe that there is truly no malicious intent in my words/actions, I am merely unable to express myself any further... so please tell me when I am lacking in my approach/delivery, so we can build up from here. I really don't understand... there are a few people who have trouble approaching me... speaking to me... they try to read me, and read much more into my intentions/actions than what is there... it might take me a while, but I only ever act in truth (MY truth, and no one elses)... I make the hard choices, and take the hard road... and I know I don't have the most tact when I deliver that to other people (their truth as I see it)... but I mean only the best, and where I have caused pain, I am sorry... but really people... for God's sake TELL ME!!! I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong!!! I won't necessarily make everything easier on you, but I will try to soften the delivery... I don't want my friendships to be superficial exchanges reinforced by the pretense of being 'polite'. There's no point in being friends if we can't be honest with each other (and that means sending it back in my direction too!!) without blame, without fear, but with love and respect. ... OK... so now... with all that said... off my chest... I have the arduous task of actually confronting (not exactly the right word, but as close as I can come to it...) some of the people that I really care about, so we can sort this out, and so that they can realise just how much I do care for them... and promise I'll make an effort to show it more often. Current Mood: crushed |
| Tuesday, April 1st, 2003 | |
| 9:23 pm | I'm tired... and run-down... I'm having way too much time off work, and I feel fucking helpless that I can't do anything about it... I'm doing the best I can to make things work my way... and then BANG there's another thing piled on top of me... I really don't know how much more of this I can take. Current Mood:  tired |
| Saturday, March 29th, 2003 | |
| 7:14 pm | Today my body has decided to let me know exactly how much it hates me... I'm actually considering going to hospital over this... but I'm not going to, I'll just take some drugs, and alternate between hot showers, and hot packs... :( And just to add on top of all that, I think I might be coming down with a cold or something... Current Mood: crappy |
| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003 | |
| 12:47 am | Not sure how much longer I can go on like this... I'm stressed, I have a headache (so what's new??), I'm not sleeping, or eating, and I'm practically living on painkillers... I feel like I can't get anything right, even turning up to work, I don't feel like I'm even capable of working, and like they're doing the right thing trying to fire mw, and I'm just making the whole process worse for myself by fighting it... I can't follow conversations, I can't keep up, feel like I'm in a demented whirlpool that is washing away any hope I have of a happy life, I feel like I'm talking gibberish all the time, I'm grumpy, frustrated, and taking it out on people around me, I don't know why they're putting up with it... I feel out of control... OK... you win... I'm not invincible... does that make me vincible? Current Mood: crappy |
| Tuesday, March 25th, 2003 | |
| 12:43 am | Thinking about making myself annoying on a couple of Feast Commitees... they're advertising for young queer commitee, and for a trans committee... :) Generally any input I make is seen as annoying because I am not one of the 'in' crowd, Adelaide is really clique-y... :( Feeling a bit more positive about the trans stuff, and a lot less positive about the work stuff... I don't have any definite idea of how thigs are going to turn out for work, but I can see some hope in the steps I'm taking with my trans-treatment... although it'll be really hard to transition without work... feel kinda lost, and really frustrated. Current Mood:  blah |
| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 | |
| 1:03 pm | Well, it's been a while, so what's new??? The work stuff is dragging out... I got their letter and supporting info to answer to today, and I got slightly pissed off about it... there's a bunch of reports in there which are vaguely bad; they say that I'm slow, which I have always admitted, I'm not suited to the building and construction side of the industry... they reckon they have asked me for medical documentation verifying that I have problems going to work... I know I have had a lot of time off, I never denied that, but I do believe that they are the ones at fault, 'cos I have no knowledge whatsoever of any of the other problems listed in those reports... I have a week to respond to that letter... to put forward my case. It's really frustrating, that I have to respond to a bunch of reports that I have never seen... I never had a chance to improve on anything that was happening, and now I'm here, I can't go back and fix it... but it doesn't matter, I would still have been in the same place, 'cos the majority of guys I've worked with don't want women on site, let alone a butch, queer bastard like me!! They would have said something to get rid of me regardless. Current Mood: angry |
| Wednesday, March 12th, 2003 | |
| 10:37 pm | Had a chat to my Mum on the phone last night, it was the first time we've really talked about the Trans stuff (since my second coming out anyway...) and it was really good... very honest and emotional... Basically she has said that she supports me totally, whatever I decide, but she doesn't necessarily agree, and that for her to be happy about my decision I have to convince her 100% that this is the right thing for me... which I understand, 'cos it's a pretty extreme thing to do, and I know I'd want to know that was necessary before I was happy about condoning it. She's had talks with my Dad (IM talks) in which she's tried to help explain to him that I'm the sort of person who agonises over any decision I make before saying anything about it... he has some idea now of just how much thought has gone into it... which is good. That's one of the things that really hurt for her though, that she does know how much thought I put into things, and that she really had no idea this was coming... I don't know how I could have done things differently to lessen that for her, I suppose it's something that I'll take to my grave. I feel so guilty that I've caused her this pain, and I can't think of anything else that I could have done about it, to make it better, to prepare her... I suppose all I can do is make up for lost time now. Al though talking to her last night felt like our old conversations, we have always been close, but I've felt like we have grown apart, and we felt a little closer, like it was the honesty (or lack thereof) that was dragging us further apart. She knew that something had been bothering me, just had no idea what it was... :) Well, I feel good about our chat, and even though it didn't answer all of her questions, I feel like she has more of an idea of how important this is to me, and just how important it is to me that she knows about it, and is an active part of my transition... if you ever read this Mum, I love you more than I can say, and I really appreciate having you in my life... I know I don't HAVE to say, I WANT to... :) Current Mood:  peaceful |
| Sunday, March 9th, 2003 | |
| 12:44 am | Well, I have had a response to my email from both of my parents... it felt kind of like coming out again... Both of them said that they were concerned for me, and interested to hear/be educated on the issues, what happens, how, when, where... Mum said she felt guilty that I didn't have a conventional upbringing, and perhaps that caused it, she also said she felt the same when I came out as being gay, which I never knew. I ended up feeling guilty that I'd upset her, but I know that for us to have an honest relationship, she needs to know, and BEFORE anything happens. I told Mum that she should feel proud that she's raised me to be strong enough to be honest about such a difficult subject. I told her that nothing in the past would change, and that there wasn't any event in my childhood that caused this... I was happy, well adjusted, and basically normal... until puberty, then my belief that I would never grow-up was shattered. My Dad didn't take it as badly, but then I didn't expect him to... he doesn't have the childhood memories of me. It kind of makes it easier in a way, I was paraniod that he was going to walk away and say it was all too hard to deal with... he didn't which I am extremely happy about. I know this has caused me a lot of stress over the past 18 months or so... I have had more migraines in that time than I have had in a long time... I've also had more responsibility than ever, and my world has been turned upside down by a number of events that will continue to have an effect for a long time to come, I'm sure. Even in spite of the things threatening my way of life (money, work, etc) at the moment, I feel a certain calm that my parents know... that I don't have to hide myself, or lie to two people who matter so much to me. Current Mood: calm |
| Saturday, March 8th, 2003 | |
| 11:41 pm | Tales and Truth I have nothing more than you, I have nothing less I guess But when it comes to tales and truth tell me, what's your interest I have seen more than most, but when my eyes are tight and closed I feel almost human, almost human I've been bathed in all the seasons, waking up alone Telling my old demons they can go on home I've been making my own mind up, holding my own hand Leaving just the hall light on when I'm scared We have made this all worthwhile, we have dignity and style And more than ever now I feel like flying He said, when you're eighteen you will know, when you're forty-five you'll see When you're twelve the world's your oyster, at least it was for me. Sam Lohs Fruit Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: Here For Days - Fruit |
| Sunday, February 23rd, 2003 | |
| 11:58 pm | Frustration, stagnation... that's pretty much how I feel right now, I feel like I need to get some sort of contact with people in my situation... I've been told there's about 500 on the local psych's books... but I don't seem to be able to make contact with very many of them (and given that we are all very different people, I have trouble relating to at least a few of those I know) I've put myself forward as a contact for people looking for contact, and offered to organise something on a less formal level that may just give some of us a support network that is a little more understanding than what we're getting around us (for some of us at least, I count myself as one of the lucky ones)... I feel like I'm swimming in the dark... floating... I don't know which way is up... down... left... right... I don't even know if I'm facing the right direction... I'm just drifting towards... whatever... I don't feel like I'm in control... like I'm suspended... trying to reach out... to find someone who can understand... who can help... who can lead me to the surface and the sweet, sweet air that I need... information... socialisation... understanding... contact... I need... I want... Current Mood:  listless |