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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 | 2:36 pm |
vernal equinox so typically, snow frames the initiation of spring, teasing any sighs of emerging vegetation. predictable irony, i'd say. a glint of intrique. much like the rhythmn of my days. the dopamine peaks of a humdrum existence. without which evaporation grows inevitable. today i gazed at erik across the table. for an instant, a stranger glanced back. a boy with ozone eyes. of poise and intellect and x-ray vision. that first day on the stairs, re-embraced to tatters. | Saturday, March 16th, 2002 | 12:24 am |
that's what i get interesting. erik is doing to me what i did to joe. surprise surprise. fortunately, i'm not joe. i'm blissfully calloused. i've lost all hope in bonding. i may be cesium. but i'd like to be a noble gas. i laugh and feign my part. "it doesn't mean anything", right? right? | Friday, March 15th, 2002 | 11:49 pm |
delusions of grandeur exasperated with online conversation. "how do you do? do anything today? what's up?" i feel like prufrock, goddammit. measure my life in sugar cubes. i hate when people fail to catch my initiations to a higher plateau of intellect. or they circumvent the harsh realities with their weak smirks and "lols." chitchat buries my soul. suppose i really am meant to be a disgruntled philosopher type, sulking over a job at some biotech firm and going home to a cave with sixteen locks. | Thursday, March 14th, 2002 | 5:07 pm |
so forlorn, so bartleby people are useless. myself included, of course. completely pathetic. limp and face down, insides leaking onto crisp graph paper floors. overall forecast since last sunday has been atrocious. so defeated. so incurably forlorn. now excuse me whilst i gather enough willpower to rise from this chair, and for god's sake, "do something!" | Tuesday, March 12th, 2002 | 5:54 pm |
bored unchallenged, unchallenged. skies of gray. people dull, people disappear. people fear. unchallenged. sweet suburbia. with the snap of a finger. the snap of a finger. everything you want. without a drop of sweat. deadening haze. everything is blurry. intermittent throbbing in my head. if i tried, tried to say it. no use. no use. an inane and half-witted manner. i'll laugh it off. slam a locker. scowl. wrapped in black, back, and as bitter as ever. | Monday, March 11th, 2002 | 7:23 pm |
romantic idealism dashing a night of flashlights, kissing the dry grass and embracing the sharp wind. erik ended up coming to the party. twelve of us chased each other thru the yard. transformation to a breathless child paradise. no laws. think lord of the flies. erik and i in midst of chaos. revealed paintings, recordings, poems. he was drawn in. companionship, minus the tension and expectation to act out inane "boyfriend/girlfriend" roles. a kiss must be nothing less than a penetrating sliver of ozone, a peaked explosion. otherwise, whats the point. | Saturday, March 9th, 2002 | 5:22 pm |
the observer people barely affect me. it is my brother's birthday party and the house is swarming with 13 year old boys. am rather bored and will likely continously binge on party junk throughout the night -- dirty desire for calories reigning over clean willpower of sweat and water. i invited erik over, but he is again recording with his band. the phrase "never date a musician" comes to mind. despite frustrations, however, i float near infatuation. or i want to. especially when he smiles or i take his hand and we wander. or, when he is physically absent. hm. its saturday but i'm not alone; the computer's on. and i get out when i walk the dog. | Tuesday, March 5th, 2002 | 5:19 pm |
preocupation as the crystals of infatuation enter my bloodstream and invigorate my every step i turn to many sullen boys on my pathway and ponder strategies and entrances into their fragile minds. i mentally list the names. i study the faces, smirk and float away. it passes. i'm certain nobody wants to see me in bed with the covers to my chin. grinding gum with my weary teeth after another regression, another explosion in joe's name. five months, five months. and only five days without erik, and he seems almost equally distant. | Monday, March 4th, 2002 | 3:38 pm |
no alarm a quiet life. march already? a nice, quiet weekend with family. precious, priceless moments. a trip to the park, some television, a family lunch. another six hours of academia. test tomorrow. five hours of homework. holding my head above the water. twirling ravenously against the ribbons of time. no alarms and no surprises. no sparks. no time. a safe, quiet life. blue skies. | Friday, March 1st, 2002 | 10:58 pm |
prototype bored bored bored. dramatically awaited night off and of course, absolutely nothing to do with myself. erik left. no desire to chatter anyway. my beloved microscope nitpicks every imperfection. i attempt to silence, to suppress disagreeable notions, but they mock and snicker, armed to destroy. slowly tainting my metamorphosis. obligation to maintain mutual interest haunts me. people assume we are dating. may want to mention this to erik. that prototype means nothing. which is what i'll attempt to bring up. sometime. maybe. hm. | Thursday, February 28th, 2002 | 8:33 pm |
cries in the dark in the car to biotech class my father speaks of revolutions. musical revolutions. scientific revolutions. thought revolutions. i'm immersed. after school i loiter at club meetings, listening back and forth and all at once. perceptions and nuances of existence hurled into the stale, usually tiresome air. lively, intellectual discussion elevates even the observant spectator. although someday i desire to lead, not watch from the security of a pretty shell, or the confinements of dear samsa's little room. | Saturday, February 23rd, 2002 | 3:31 pm |
the dead letters office midday melancholy sets it. i am starved for things no one provides. the moon peers prematurely through sighing branches, and bartleby sneaks into me. | Wednesday, February 20th, 2002 | 10:41 pm |
the same traps i think i just won myself a date. typically reluctant and apprehensive, i feel like doing a billy goat dance on one leg. or checking the movie showtimes. quick, before he does! | 3:21 pm |
erik welcome ambivalence. it locks the air, causing inaction and dust. i want to clutch him and sob into his sleeve and become his eyes and share his mind. nothing should hold me back. he sees my pasts and futures. but without explication, details remain blurred. the drug's effects continue. if i spread my mind across a table, exposing every nuance, every sob-wracked past, he would take it. and preserve it. and protect me from it. but seems futile and silly, discussing it now. the past happened, what now? it hangs heavy in the air, locking me in a warm, wet, clutch. | Monday, February 18th, 2002 | 9:29 pm |
"we dont feel like dealing with the world or moving on because we're overwhelmed?" -- erik we dream in layers. we stumble the parking lots. and droop in the mud of winters melted. we march armed. we nap in the fuzzy haze blurring our vision. we shield our fingers. and curl our toes. we laugh. we glitter the snow. we scuba-dive the wind. but once on the hill. we hesitate. because before us unfolds. the whole world in lights and pieces. ...from today's family ski trip. it was a good day. | Sunday, February 17th, 2002 | 9:54 pm |
normalcy last night i crashed with the real world. extraterritoriality -- stepping outside of the blanketed zone. visited cousin in city apartment. an old friend. quite an adventure. among the strobe lights, the glazed eyed dancers, the drooling frat boys, the ostentatious chitchat quivering with lies and smiles, and the wafty, smoky, alcohol-poison ridden haze. not shocking really. but was exciting nonetheless. circa 1920s rebellious disillusioned insta-pleasure thrill kittens. face it, we live in a sex-crazed world. maintaining immortal, pure bonds grows gravely & desperately important. yet ridiculously naive, i guess. | Friday, February 15th, 2002 | 6:27 pm |
free at last just when the entire student body is near absolute madness and acts of angst- ridden self-destruction involving fire and high caloric stress binges, they give us a week off. works for me. the poison of academia was becoming all too clear. julie was near tears. last night i went to a valentine's party at unaiza's. enjoyable nonetheless. today was in school til 5. clutching erik's warm sleeve-covered hand. tinkering the drums and keyboards in rooms of vacancy. i am spending the rest of this day doing absolutely nothing. it will be a beautiful time. | Monday, February 11th, 2002 | 3:42 pm |
monday even when curious repetition marks the days i refuse to resign from the cycle. trudging halls, floor growing all too near. but i persist. for i have allies. hey, not everyone would stay in school for an extra hour to watch you analyze the intoxication behaviors of fruit flies. well erik does. gradually/possibly/intime. the wretched eternal void will disperse. | Sunday, February 10th, 2002 | 11:19 am |
the outskirts of paranoiac forbidden from external interaction due to excessive schoolwork this weekend, i fear i have collapsed into a fantasy world. | Saturday, February 9th, 2002 | 7:31 pm |
the jaded generation i intrude fragile psyches and what do i see? vigorous disillusionment glaring back at me. at a young age, the subject is already weary and unchallenged by the dulling environment. |
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