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Sunday, April 18th, 2004
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2:13 am - BowieBowieBowie
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"i'm the luckiest guy, not the lonliest guy, in the world...not me...not me."
well, i have to make this brief. i'm kinda fading off and also need to be up early. i saw DAVID BOWIE tonight! it was fucking great. i have now seen all of my most favorite bands at least once. it's taken so long for me to finally get to see him too. i was in row R, which wasn't extremely close, but i was pretty fuckin' close for it being David Bowie and all. i was able to see the whole band most of the time. so no complaints here. i'm glad i saw him at such a small place instead of a big arena (like the show i missed a couple months back). the show was great. they played for a couple hours i think. getting there sucked. i knew i was gonna get lost. and i got lost multiple times. it took me like three times as long as it should have. i guess i need to go to Berkeley more, in case this comes up again. i ALWAYS get lost when i drive somewhere unfamiliar by myself. i suck at that sort of thing. i missed the opener, The Polyphonic Spree. but i didn't know them well enough to care. i was walking down to find my seat when the intro started for Bowie, so i got there JUST in time. i woulda bought a shirt, but the tour dates didn't include tonight cause these dates were add-ons. so i figured i'd save my money. though i could have bought the shirt some guy was selling outside that had a picture of Bowie that said: I FUCKED MICK JAGGER. it was really cheesey...i wonder if anyone bought one.... anyway, lots of good old songs played. i was only slightly disappointed that he didn't play anything from Earthling (one of my favorite albums) or the song Hallo Spaceboy, which i know he's played at other dates. oh well. he has so many songs, and played so many as it was, and they were all good, so i cannot complain at all. i said this was gonna be short, didn't i? i'm just still excited about it. well, here's the setlist that i found for anyone that cares.
( Berkeley Community Theater 4/17/04 )
current mood:  happy
current music: David Bowie - The Lonliest Guy
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004
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4:38 am - pointless words
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some semi-recent writings since i haven't put any up in a while and cause msangel was missing them.
i haven't been too creative it seems lately, so they're not all that great...pl;us they still need editing.
anyway, all i've managed to write so far this year is right ( here )
i feel all self-conscious about my writing now. it all seems kind of redundant and overdramatic. i don't know...i guess i just don't have any good inspiration anymore...?
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3:59 am - Living in Hayward, the YYY's, APC, & Bowie
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fuck. i'm just realizing how ghetto where i live is. i'm not so used to this. there has already been an attempt to break into my car...in the parking garage. the sewage pipes backed up and the toilets would gurgle and stuff came up through the bathtub drain. my friend had his underwear stolen from the laundry room. and just now this guy that lives in one of the other apartments was at the door. i looked through the peephole and he looked all fidgety and spun or something. he keeps coming by and asking for things, like a cigarette, because my friend gives him stuff and he keeps coming back. i never would have thought that i'd be at all worried
about being home alone. maybe i'm just too stoned....
anyway, so here i am. in my fancy new digs. other than that, things are cool i guess. it's great to not be living with my mom anymore. it's makes me feel older in both a good and a bad way. speaking of which, time seems to be going ever faster these days. and fuck, i don't think it ever slows down. i've been pretty broke though with all the expenses as of late. i even had to skip a trip that my friends are taking to vegas. and i've got this tooth that's killing me, but no money for
dentistry.
but i have managed to go to some cool concerts. a couple weeks ago i saw the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. i really like them on cd, but they were so much better live. they're just one of those bands that are best experienced live. and they were filming it, so it might be on a dvd or something, i'm not too sure. and they gave out posters after the show. it's always cool when they give those out. last night i saw A Perfect Circle. i was supposed to have been able to "meet and greet" the band or whatever, but as always with my concert experiences, we were late. i brought my cd to get it signed and was so looking forward to that. even if i just got an autograph or a brief hello, it would have been cool. but, oh well. the performance made me forget about missing out. maynard, of course, hid in the shadows the whole time. it was cool to see James and Jeordie (Twiggy) play in the band. since they're both from bands that i like and have also seen live before. i think i've seen Maynard, out of any musician, the most times live. cause i saw him play with Tool twice and APC twice now. now if only Tapeworm ever comes out...i'll have a third band to see him with. anyway, they played like every song i was hoping they'd play. played kind of a long set too, which was cool. oh, and in two weeks i get to see David Bowie. i shelled out almost $100 to see him. most expensive concert ticket i've ever had to buy. i had to go though. i have to see him at least once. he's the only one of my most favorite bands that i've never seen. it kinda sucks though that i'm going by myself. i hate going to concerts and stuff by myself, but it's worth it....
well, there's plenty more i wanted to say, but i've said enough for now. now that i'm all set up here, i hope to update more often. things have been kind of crazy lately. but i suppose they always are...
current music: Rasputina - Saline The Salt Lake Queen
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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4:12 am - what? 4 months without any updates and now 2 in less than a week
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god, i need to be asleep cause i work early tomorrow. but for some reason i've been reading over past entries and stuff in my journal. have you ever done that? just spent a good long while remembering what happened and seeing how you got where you are. damn, it was depressing. it really was. there were a lot things that made me smile and laugh. but too much that made me think that i became a horrible person. i mean, i don't think i'm that person anymore. but, i guess i am, since it took all that to get where i am now. i'm just thinking about all the people i let down. including myself. i could trace where i lost all hope and any sort of optimism. there was a good almost two years where i kept digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. and now, i don't know why, but i think that's all over. it just sucks that i basically ignored so many people that were very important parts of my life. i've lost touch with so many...and i don't know if i can ever get back to how it used to be. things can't be like they were. i know that. i just saw that i screwed up for so long. in many ways. i miss the past (i always do though). and i miss so many of you. there's really no point to this entry. i just felt the need to say these things right now. i'm just feeling a bit melancholy about it all and reminiscing about the good ol' days. well, i've put off going to sleep for long enough. so i'll stop rambling now.
current music: radiohead - idioteque (live)
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| Friday, February 6th, 2004
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4:20 am - (insert clever title that sums up what i just wrote here)
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well, well. been a long time, no? for a while there we were sans internet. now we have dial-up again. yay!, in the way that's not. this shit's slow as hell, i tell ya. i guess i was just spoiled for a while there.... i've also been working a lot lately, up until the last week or two. now i'm only getting like 40 hours. i miss all that overtime i was getting.... my manager even said that for one of the pay periods i had the most hours that he's ever called into payrool before. i broke a record or something. yay for me? so, what have i been up to? not all thst much really. in some ways, things are better. and in some ways worse. i've given up the pot, the whacky tobaccy, if you will. well, it's only been a week. but, i'm really committed this time. seriously. more so than all those other times i "quit". time to finally get out of the stoned age i thought. not to say that on special occasions i can't partake. but not for a good long while of soberness first. it kind of feels good actually. i noticed this for the first time today. i realized that i'm happy about quitting. i can't believe that i wasted a good almost two years in that haze. and i haven't even resorted to heavy drinking or anything as a subsitute. though a beer does sound good right about now. hmm.... ah, nothing like a beer and a cigarette. anyway, work's been okay lately. i was getting really sick of that place for a while there. i still need to get another job soon though. something with benefits would be nice. ooh, and more money. which brings me to the bad. my sister just moved out this month. which means i need to pay half the rent. i need to buy car insurance and re-register my car. and try to come up with some extra money this month. because i need to come up with some deposit money cause it's looking kinda likely that i'll be moving in with some friends (or just one...that part's still sketchy) next month. and so far it's looking pretty unlikely that i can come up with all that money. i might have to start selling crack...or my body. any takers?! i also wanted to buy a ticket for bowie which goes on sale this sunday. oh, and i still need to buy a ticket for a perfect circle. and the yeah yeah yeahs. damn. i'm starting to run out of cd's and dvd's i wanna sell too. i have like a thousand cd's...but i want them all. argh. the other thing about moving out is my mom is trying to put this whole guilt trip on me about my sister abandoning her and now me. it's fucking shit because i need to get out on my own. and it's not my fault she dug herself into this hole. i really don't know what to do about all that. either i piss her off...like a lot. or i get dragged down with her depper (edit: what the fuck's a depper? an obsessive johnny depp fan?) and deeper into debt. it wicked sucks. i don't know, but things are definitely changing. some of it will be bad, yeah, but i still like it. i've needed fucking change for so long. and i noticed i'm saying fuck a lot. fuck. i haven't written my poem thingies much at all in the past few months. there's a couple that i wrote fairly recently though. i don't know if i think i'm really any good at it anymore. it all sort of sounds the same, ya know? i miss all you guys. i really do. sorry i haven't been around at all in, like, forever. i'm a bitch, i know. forgive me? i also haven't been able to read up on anyone's lj in a long time. so i'm very muchly out of the loop. if anyone wants to fill me in on what's up with them, feel free. i can't exactly catch up at this point, but i suppose i should end this novel that i'm writing and at least see what's been going on recently. so yeah, that's it. over. finito...or something.
current mood: content
current music: nine inch nails - something i can never have
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| Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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11:11 pm
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p.s.- i was at the store and thought i had found some sesame chicken ramen. which is my very favorite ramen. and i hadn't been able to find it in the stores lately. so when i saw it, i got excited and bought a whole 24 pack of it. now i just went to go cook it and i find out it's terriyaki chicen ramen that i just bought. a whole 24 pack of the wrong kind. oh well. just another perfect thing to happen today.
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10:23 pm - every ying has its yang
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well, my original plan was to get on here and talk about how everything was going good. i was actually fucking happy. i've been in such a good mood for the past week or so. that is, until today....
( can't wait for tomorrow/tomorrow's much too long )
so yeah, sorry for all the ranting. like i said, i really wanted to get on here and talk about all the good stuff that's been happening. ah well, maybe another time. even with all the crappiness of today, i'm not in all that bad of a mood. i've already calmed down some. and i'm still excited about going camping tomorrow. so yeah, yay for that. i'll just try and forget today....
current music: A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
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| Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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2:17 am - Ravished
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red lines of death
obscure the face
this damaged flaw
of the human race
a bitter promise
that words cannot say
it takes a last breath
to make it all go away
now everything is slit
bleeding dreams through the eyes
and the rapture i miss
just to kiss my demise
(just a little something i wrote just now and needed to put somewhere...ignore if needed...)
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2:13 am - thank you
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i'm too tired and too lazy at the moment to do this one by one. i haven't really been home much until now, but i have to get up very early tomorrow. so for now i wanted to tell everyone THANK YOU for the birthday wishes. it means a lot to me. so thank you very much everyone, i loves ya.
p.s.- contrary to my birthday post, things are a bit different now that i'm 23. but more on that later....
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| Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
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12:14 am
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so i am now 23
how pointless...
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| Monday, September 29th, 2003
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8:32 pm - naive
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Interpol:
i'm so stupid. i bought two tickets for interpol when they first went on sale. figuring i could find at least one person that would at the very least feel bad that i didn't have anyone to go with and go. i was even willing to give the ticket away for free. anyway, so here i am, the night of the show and now i'm not even going. i couldn't find one damn person to go with me. my friends don't really feel like friends sometimes. would it have been such a big deal to go to a concert...for FREE? i was still probably going to go. even though, for some reason, i hate going somewhere by myself where there's a lot of people. i don't know, it's stupid. i'm just that shy i guess. but it was such a headache to try and get someone to go, that i started feeling kinda crappy and fell asleep. and now it's too late to go. this fucking sucks. i wasted $60 on two tickets and i didn't even get to see the concert. and i'm kind of poor, so that's a big waste. i also got my shift covered from work tonight so i could go. there's more lost money....
Radiohead:
this happened with radiohead too. but at least at the last second i found someone to go. and that concert was so fucking cool. radiohead was amazing. ever since i've gotten into radiohead i've been dying to see them live. i just knew that the music would sound awesome live. and it did. they played a really long set too. the friend i brought wasn't all that big into radiohead, but he was amazed by the show and told me afterwards that he was now a radiohead fan. i thought that was so cool. i almost got drunk and almost got stoned for the show. but i'm glad i didn't. i don't usually remember much of shows if i'm not sober. plus, there were a few moments during the concert where i felt a sort of high. it's hard to explain unless you've felt it before. it's sort of this perfect moment where the energy of the band on stage, mixed with the crowd, and then with what you're feeling, it all kind of connects. it's like everything coming together at once...all reaching the same wavelength. sometimes it gives me chills. it's a great feeling. it almost feels like being in love. that happened to me a few times at the show. it's something that's only happened with certain bands too. the ones i can remember are nin, tool, zwan, the smashing pumpkins, and now radiohead.
Rant:
i love going to concerts. i just hate how it's such a headache to go to so many shows that i want to see. i go all the time when it's bands that my friends want to see, but i don't care so much about. it's something to do. it's a concert. it's fun. but no one else seems to understand that. you'd think since i go to the ones they want to see, they'd go to ones with me...at least once or twice. but no. i really feel fucking alone sometimes with who i am. i mean, i don't expect people to like everything i like and be just like me. but it would be nice to know at least one person that actually can enjoy some of this stuff with me. i need a concert buddy at least. yeah...maybe i just need a girlfriend so we can force each other to see the things we want to see. that could work. but yeah, i never meet anyone new anymore. i hang out with the same dateless crowd, and i get nowhere at all. i am SO bored. it sucks. whatever.
current mood:  drained
current music: not interpol...
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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3:45 am - 13th step of my addictions...(A Perfect Circle-related)
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i love Thirteenth Step. even though i keep hearing people say it's lacking something. i think it takes a really good listen. it's something that definitely hits you more the more you listen to it. there's some amazing stuff on there. the songs on Thirteenth Step that are standing out the most right now are Pet, The Package, Blue, and The Outsider. The Package is just this great jam that builds and drops so wonderfully. just this meandering opening for the album, that creeps up when you least expect it and then hits you hard. this would be so cool to see live. Pet is just this...it's hard to describe. it sounds like nothing else to me. but it’s truly amazing. The Outsider is this great rocking number that just has this sort of...primal sound. Blue has this great mesmerizing, haunting effect. i would love to see these songs live. i can’t wait until they come by here. i had to miss them at Lollapalooza unfortunately. i think this album just has this sort of flow that takes you up and down and up then down again. god, i take this way too seriously, don’t i? anyway, yeah, guess that’s my stoned album review for the week. but stay tuned for more...
current music: A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
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2:27 am
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things are always changing. changing what we know. changing what we are. the only constant is change.
( ...make the change... )
but you never know, things change. always changing. what we feel. what is true. there is just one constant.
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Drown
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| Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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6:18 am
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| Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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4:23 am - dance, dance, dance through the fire
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just saw the Reverend Horton Heat tonight. was a rockin' good time. there was a fight which ended up with a beer bottle falling on my foot. there was also this drunk girl that fell on me, borrowed my friend's glasses, and came on to pretty much any guy there that was breathing. oh, and the doorman got pissed at me because i walked outside through this door, smoked, then walked back in through the same door...it didn't really make any sense.
apparently i'm going to be working 6 days a week now. joy. more hours means more money, but having only one day off a week is going to get old fast. and i'm going to have two morning shifts. i am very much not a morning person, so that's going to take some time to get used to. i better get a raise soon....
we only made rent for this month because i sold a bunch of cd's so i could put up the rest of the money. it sucks to have so much of what i make go into living here when i don't even want to live here...i just have nowhere else to go.
everything else is pretty much the same i suppose. except...i guess i've been more coherent and a bit more sane since i've pretty much been off that "whacky tobaccy" as the kids like to call it.
i don't know. things are starting to go somewhere i think. i just don't know where.
next week will be a very good week for me, music-wise. i'll have new Bowie and APC to keep me happy for a while.
speaking of music, i actually have a song like halfway written, words and music. unfortunately my bass is out of comission until i can afford to fix it. so that's just another thing that's held me back from finishing it.
all right, i suppose that's all i have to rant about for the evening.
oh, and check out my icon. it's the only halfway decent recent pic i had of me. not all that flattering, but hey, i never am.
hope everyone and everything is well. i'll be back around again sometime soon. i promise....
current mood: complacent
current music: David Bowie - Bring Me The Disco King (Loner Mix)
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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5:30 am
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talking to my friend tonight, who's going to be moving to new york next month, made me start questioning what the hell i'm doing with my life. he's 20 and he's breaking away from everything, all security, pretty much all ties he has, and setting out for something new and exciting. and i have to admit, i'm kind of jealous. because here i am, almost 23, and it feels like i have no future sometimes. what have i done? where am i going? i feel like i'm so far behind. like i have nothing to show for all these years i've lived. like i should be further on in life at this point. i still have no plans, no idea what i want to do. i have no degree for all the time i wasted in college. i have no real career going for me. i'm still living at home. i have no goals, only limits. i have yet to even experience a real relationship. i've only been in poor, fucked up, attempts at such. i don't even have any friends around me that i feel close enough to talk to about any of this. so i just push everyone away. and spend way too much time alone in this fucked up head of mine. this isn't living. this is barely surviving. this is a waste of a life. this is going nowhere at all. i'm not sad. i'm not happy. i just feel nothing. and that's what bothers me. sorry. ignore this ranting. i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. everything's going by so fast. but somehow i'm just standing still...
current music: new order - thieves like us
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| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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4:49 am - disconnected by your smile
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so yeah, let me just first skip all the unnecessary bullshit about my life here. nothing really important there anyway. well, kinda, but i'm tired of it all. complaining here won't change anything....
first off, i have no more aol. so all those names are gone. i wish i had been able to check any mail i had gotten for the past...i don't know how long. but yeah, i can't. unfortunately i don't remember everyone's addresses anymore. i also don't know what messenging screen names anyone is using anymore. so if anyone reading this would be kind enough to fill me in with their details, i'd appreciate it. aim finally let me create a name (damn site wouldn't let me do a thing until tonight). so my aim name is now: flux fray. it's not really what i wanted, so i'll probably change it though. but that's what it is for now. i'll post whatever it ends up being....
there seems to have been more i wanted to say...but i am at a loss for words it seems. yeah, nothing really to say that doesn't fit into the "crappy things i'm tired of rambling incoherently about" category. on the positive side of things, i at least have a roof over my head for the time being (it was looking very unstable for a while there). though i'm going to have to get either a new job or a second one. sometimes i wish i could just go back to school or something. i kind of miss it.... i am also starting to learn to function without the assistance of mind altering substances. so i suppose that's good....
so yeah, things have been chaotic for a while now. but things are starting to get a bit clearer. so i plan to keep up more with everything and everyone like i've promised. so we'll see how that goes....
( surrection )
current music: smashing pumpkins - the aeroplane flies high
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| Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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6:08 am
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| Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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7:03 am - at the heart of it all
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| Friday, July 25th, 2003
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6:09 am - nothing like originality
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i got a call from Tania today. i haven't seen that girl for a while now. she has a baby now, which is so weird. she's coming down this weekend and we're supposed to hang out either saturday or sunday.
i'm going to a concert tomorrow. gonna go see The Misfits and The Damned. speaking of concerts, i need to remember that tickets for Interpol and The Dandy Warhols go on sale on sunday.
i just saw the movie Blow tonight. it was pretty good. i knew it wasn't going to be all happy. but god, that was a depressing movie. makes me want to never become a drug lord....
random thing from work tonight: i accidently counted this customer's money wrong that she gave to me. then Brad laughed at me and all. then the girl i was ringing up said to me: "it's okay, i still love you." not that it meant a thing, but i thought that was a sweet random thing to hear. it made me smile.
i'm starting to hear songs that i wouldn't expect to hear in places lately. when me and some friends were eating at Chili's the other night, they played The Tourist by Radiohead. i don't even think they ever played that song on the radio...plus i don't think i've ever actually heard Radiohead played in a restaurant before. and at Wal-mart they played Spoonman by Soundgarden. then again, they also played the song from The Neverending Story. maybe i'm just getting old. i hear they're starting to play stuff like Nirvana on the classic rock station even. scary....
speaking of old, i want to do something interesting for my birthday this year. i don't know what though.... yikes, i'm going to be 23. how did i get so old? it feels like i have yet to even really do anything with my life yet....
i just heard a clip of the new A Perfect Circle song. sounds pretty good. i can't wait 'til the cd comes. ooh, and David Bowie's new one comes out the same day. hmm...i'm going to have to decide which one to listen to first. but, yay, that'll be a good day of new cd's. now if Trent will just actually release some new NIN sometime soon, i will be a happy Mike.
random excerpts from the book i'm currently reading, Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk:
"when did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?"
"when we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves."
"nothing of me is original. i am the combined effort of everybody i've ever known."
"the one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
( TragicSwollen )
current music: The Rapture - Alienation
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