itsgottabeclever's Journal
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Monday, June 7, 2004
2:23PM
...i had a really good time yesterday for what it's worth...
2:21PM
what happened to my fairy tale ending?
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
11:47PM
its sad to come down from the past
everything in retrospect smells like the first day of autumn air
i like to move it
and sing a long with a voice i cant catch
Monday, May 10, 2004
8:13PM
im pretty happy right now
except that i work all the time meaning i cant see greg. or anyone for that matter.
also, i have no time to work out anymore.
and id much rather be doing summer school to bump myself back up to graduating in 4 years instead of 5.
but i need money so im working. 10 hour days with one or two days off every 10 days...
cause otherwise ill have to take out a loan and go into debt...and i really dont want to. ive made it this far without it...
so i guess things kinda suck.
but.
im happy.
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
3:18PM
i chased after you in the street but you wouldnt turn around.
i fell.
i ran inside and screamed with sobs that brought me to my knees.
i fell again.
i drove the car 120 but the two cops must not have noticed.
i made it to the highway.
i got on.
and realised you were gone.
and im never going to catch you again...
my heart has officially been ripped out.
i even wanted to hit a small child on my drive home.
just to see if i could care.
Saturday, April 10, 2004
11:04PM
stereolab was so awesome.
my body's still bouncing. and my head is bobbing.
minus some of the people that were trying to hard, it was a good crowd.
the disco ball was perfect and many many men were dancing. not just nodding, but dancing.
too bad it was over so quickly. got there at 7, show was over by 9 15. (it was at the phoenix and everyone had to be out so they could have their regular edge night)
NOT TO MENTION
cbc radio was playing a modest mouse concert on the way home.
good end to an early night.
love you greg. thanks for coming.
12:26PM
attention wood workers:
does anyone know how i can hinge two pieces of thin wood together so that when they are unfolded they are flat against the ground and flush beside each other?
a normal hinge means having a small space in between the boards when its unfolded...i need them totally together...
Friday, April 9, 2004
11:14PM
go if you want to
but break my heart completely
dont leave me with any breath
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
9:07PM
you know whats really bad?
having an exam tomorrow morning and not being able to study.
mental block. cant focus. cant get motivated.
i hope my brain surprises me tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
6:20AM
pointy shoes.
i dont get them.
because the point is totally useless. i dont get shoes that have more footspace than is actually needed...or do peoples toes actually scrunch up into demented points of bulging toe flesh? and if so, how is that comfortable? cause let me tell you, i have wide feet and even normal shoes cause my baby toes to lash out in anger at me for stuffing them in there. thats a pain no one should feel.
also, when you walk how can you tell when to pick your foot up if your shoe is 5 inches infront of you but you cant feel that since your foot isnt actually there? do you wait an extra second or two before lifting again? or do you have to exaggeratedly lift the back foot to give the point proper clearance? because it seems like if you didnt you would be scuffing and hobbling your way down the street...ooo, thats atractive...
someone please explain the purpose of the toe point. especially the really elongated ones.
Friday, March 19, 2004
5:17PM
i live to disappoint.
and ive done just that to 4 important people within a week.
who wants to be next?
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
12:17PM
its really scary to look back at the fervor i once felt because everything now is so...meh
i felt i was hanging on too tightly causing unnecessary worry and doubt, but now that ive let go i dont know how to hold on at all
one conclusion has been to take a break but i fear that if i do then i wont even care...not because i dont love him but because i cant anymore...and i wont really figure out what should be
the mind is very powerful. anything you tell it to do it will
ive told it to back off so as not to feel anymore pain but it backfired and now i feel nothing
maybe my whole problem is that im trying to love with my mind and not my heart
Current mood: 
anxious
Current music: air ... i should be feeling good
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
5:51PM
what a horrible way to live.
and i quote:
"the anticipation for anything is always better"
way to shut off the world and all it offers.
stay inside your own head and never come out because EVERYTHING you encounted will ALWAYS be worse than you imagined.
thinking about sex is better than doing it.
thinking about snowboarding is better than actually going down the hill.
thinking about going to a concert is better than listening to a band live.
thinking about food is better than eating.
yeah, thinking about things is definately better than doing them.
im glad you think that way because now everyone around you can know that you dont value any of your time with them becuase really, the way you thought it would happen was much better.
im feeling less and less like i know you. and what im learning i dont like.
Wednesday, March 3, 2004
9:28PM
I just want to be happy.
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
6:27AM
all i really care about right now is sleeping. i want to sleep all day.
and i will give up almost anything if i can get more sleep. meaning, i dont even care about missing school.
this scares me because its a throw back to gr11/12/13...where i HARDLY went to school and because of that my honour roll marks dropped to gracious passes from caring teachers.
well i cant *almost* flunk out now because, well, there has been a WHOLE lot of money put into this, ive only got one month left, if i dont get high marks then i wont get into teachers college and i will have no life plan and no skills for any other career path, my parents would kill me and i would let myself down too.
fuck you depression.
Saturday, February 28, 2004
10:08PM
if you know me, youll know why this is so amazing.....
mojopin
Guppy
Agility
9 | | | Strength
9 | | | Stamina
5 |
| Battle Rating
23Origins
mojopin was bought at Walmart |  |
|
Sunday, February 22, 2004
11:19PM - birthdays are bullshit. and mine is tomorrow.
DONT YOU SEE THAT I CANT JUST DO WHAT I WANT TO TOMORROW?
birthdays arent for the person actually having the birthday. they are when everyone else gets to try to prove how nice they are. you not making real plans or not following through with them just proves that, becuase now i feel like i have to help you prove you wanted to be nice to me.
8:31PM
i truly believe that the way a person writes reveals quite a bit about them as a person.
i wrote that. in 2001.
ive been reading all my old entries tonight. and admiring what i used to be. its giving me hope actually. quite the opposite of what i would expect.
my mind moved so fast then. and i was stupid and was told that it shouldnt.
i was medicated.
i slowed it to a crawl.
it almost stopped dead.
after 24 hours of being in critical condition i jump started my heart with my own writing. its intensity. its transparency to the way i thought.
ive had a true near death experience tonight through writing. it all flashed before me.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
6:33PM
im so weak.
i thought my life was going to be so very different than it is.
ill be 21 on monday. but i stopped living at 14.
if things continue, when im old, ill look back at my gr 8 days as the good old days. and even then i was longing for the future that was supposed to bring me so much independence.
instead. im the most dependent person youll ever meet.
i wont try new things; im deathly afraid to.
just being in a store, being approached by sales people makes me sweat with anxiety.
i have a lot of things that "should be" and nothing that feels 100% right.
i should be writing. i should be travelling. i should be in nicaragua helping people. i should be at the shelter. i should be at the hospital. i should be at church. i should be madly in love. i should be happy, horny, healthy, young, vibrant, excited.......
but something killed my spirit in gr. 8. and i havent been able to develop ever since then.
elementary school brought me popularity, parties, friends, relationships and fun. and then it all stopped. all throughout highschool i told myself i was better off without those old friends because i was real, i wasnt conforming, that all they did was backstab anyway and that i was much more mature then their school girl antics.
but now im dying for a sleep over. for drama over kissing a boy. for a hug from a friend when that same boy kisses someone else.
i read in the paper the other day that now they think depression is caused by an actual undeveloped/malformed hippocampus (the part of the brain that controls emotion). it makes so much sense to me. and yet brings a lot of despair because its not likely that ill be getting "hippocampus enlargement surgery" in the near future.
so what do i do?
my future seems so unbelievably bleak. i KNOW that im not supposed to be living an "average" life. married. with kids. in a house. in suburbia. working as a teacher. cooking dinner. driving kids to lessons. but it feels like everything im doing now is pointing me towards that.
this year should have brought me a plane ticket to nicaragua for 8 months. but i chickened out and ripped up any chance of that ever happening. now my life is so dull, so lack lustre, that even i cant imagine how i was ever a happy, outgoing, fun-to-be-around person.
im currently seeing someone who im driving away at a speed even faster than he likes to drive. ive gained so much weight that anyone who knew me a couple years ago would see me now, walk away and whisper "wow. she used to be so skinny" and the thought of that really isnt helping me want to get out in public.
so how do i change? how do i start living again?
i want to feel. to run up hills screaming at the top of my lungs some ridiculous song JUST BECAUSE. and not feel like i have to hide. i want to dance again; to be INSIDE my body, feeling its movements, knowing how to control it. the weight is such a visual for an inner chaos that i cant get control of, that i cant stop.
ive always been torn between the cheerleader and the outcast. even while i was "popular" i was never the same as everyone. but ive slowly conformed and lost sight of who i am. its so much work to stand out. and i worked so hard at it that by the age of 14 i was already burnt out.
god. life is so complicated. i know everyone says and understands that. but when you actually sit down and try to write out an explanation for how youve travelled from point A to point B, you realise theres so many off ramps and hidden driveways that youll never be able to figure it out.
Current mood: intimidated
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
8:47AM - my love
careful where you stand.
Current mood: 
grateful
Current music: sparta
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