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[Jun. 15th, 2004|10:49 pm] |
evidently, someone from MassArt died because he or she was not wearing a bicycle helmet. i don't know who it was and i can't seem to find out anywhere.
i am on pins and needles. usually that means something nice, but this time it doesn't. |
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[Jun. 15th, 2004|05:27 pm] |
i have not been keeping my readership updated on the whole "moving to new hampshire" situation. who cares about that crap anyway? but, just for the hell of it:
a long time ago i talked about Warner, NH (the town that reminded everyone of Beetlejuice) and the house we were going to get there. well, i never mentioned this, but we're not moving there anymore. now we're moving to Wilton, NH, and this i absolutely, positively know for certain because my parents already bought the house.
Wilton, NH is far, far away from everything. it's a really isolated little town with a mill that i don't think is in operation anymore. there are dirt roads.
in Wilton,
*there are a lot of drifters and bikers, and some lumberjacks, and at least one town psycho
*there are a lot of Victorian houses and few new houses
*people hang their laundry outside on clotheslines
*i've never seen any restaurants (but i guess there must be one or two)
*there's an organic farm/commune near the house we're buying, with buildings emblazoned with stars and moons, and dirty, barefoot hippy children playing in the front yard
*i don't think there's a hospital
there is one movie theater in Wilton. it's called the Wilton Town Hall Theater. you know why it's called that? because it's in the same building as the town hall. last time i went by the theater, they were playing Van Helsing, and the version of Robin Hood that stars Errol Flynn.
Wilton is also one of the most haunted towns in New Hampshire. it's home to the Blue Lady and Vale End Cemetary. our new house, which was built in 1886 by lumber barons, is known to be haunted as well.
by the way, i can show you pictures of the new house because the previous owner used it as a bed and breakfast:
The Fountain House
you're all welcome to come and stay, especially since there isn't really anyone around for me to make friends with. |
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[Jun. 12th, 2004|11:49 pm] |
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does this trendy new icon look like me? |
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[Jun. 6th, 2004|11:05 am] |
it's bedtime for Bonzo. |
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[Jun. 5th, 2004|01:34 pm] |
watching my little brother graduate was surreal. it was like it wasn't happening. but somehow i also managed to be more excited than at my own graduation.
Mr. Coughlan, who was once math teacher to both me and Apesy, looked shocked and even frightened to see Apesy. all the other teachers either ignored us or looked at us a little funny. the same was true of all the former classmates we saw. only Mr. Zeoli seemed really happy to see us.
every year they make a video of each of the kids in the graduating class thanking their families and friends and project it onto a big screen for the families and friends to see before graduation begins. when my brother's face appeared on the screen, a bunch of people laughed. i have no idea why.
this morning, when i got up, Andrew was sleeping off his Grad Night hijinks. i saw his souvenir cup that said "Grad Night 2004" sitting on the countertop. for some reason, that suddenly made me feel like crying.
we're not going to see Harry Potter today either, because Apesy has to work from three to nine. but mark my word, we'll be there tomorrow... |
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[Jun. 3rd, 2004|04:25 pm] |
my little brother is graduating from high school tomorrow.
i can't believe it. *sniffle*
i hope that his graduation will be happier than mine was. in fact, i know that it will.
i will be there. Apesy is supposed to be coming with us. we don't know for certain, but hopefully Ciampa and Flanagan have forgotten over the past two years that Apesy is not supposed to be on school grounds. i don't know what i would do if those guys tried to start with us during my little brother's graduation.
i only hope that my pride in my little brother will make up for my devastation at missing the opening night of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (you can bet i'll be there on Saturday though). |
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| an epic story with no merit and no glory (for the millionth time) |
[Jun. 1st, 2004|02:28 pm] |
so, on Sunday i went to the WBCN River Rave, which is not a rave and not anywhere near anything that is remotely like a river. i did not go because i liked any of the bands that were playing (in fact, i hate most of them), or because i thought it would be cool, or because i enjoy roasting in the hot, oppressive sun. the only reason that i went is because this girl named Melissa had another free ticket and called me up one night to ask me if i would go with her.
Melissa and i were friends in high school. i had not seen her in years, if i remember correctly, and she was going to be in town for a little while (she lives in Georgia now, where she attends Savannah College of Art and Design and has wild misadventures working as a bartender). and when a pretty girl calls me up in the middle of the night, i just can't say no.
anyway, this might sound weird, but i was really nervous about going. i have had steadily less and less social interaction since i graduated from high school. in the past four or five months, i've hardly even talked to anyone besides Apesy and my brother. i haven't seen any of my old friends and i haven't made any new friends since i left college (and i don't see my college friends on a regular basis either). i have become a bizarre, nearly-schizophrenic hermit who stays home all day and bakes different types of bread. when Melissa came to pick me up, i felt like i had been in solitary confinement in a mental hospital for years and i finally had a visitor. i was afraid that i had completely lost what little ability i had once had to interact with people.
i have no idea how well i did, but at least i had some fun. the bands were mostly as lame as i suspected but i enjoyed Melissa's stories about her crazy life in Georgia more than the music anyway. i also met some guy who Melissa is friends with. he in turn is friends with a guy that Melissa and i knew in high school (and elementary school for that matter). when i knew him, he was a major nerd, a really skinny kid with a bad haircut, who said bizarre and inept things because he thought they were funny, and who also used to lecture people about drinking and smoking. the last i had heard of him, he was a counselor at a Christian camp. apparently, he has since gotten really fat and also become the biggest drug fiend of all time. i became absolutely fascinated by this information and spent the entire day hoping that i would see him, trying to come up with new nicknames and taunts. but i was totally disappointed.
but the most important thing happened later. when we were watching the bands, i saw some kids moshing. not only that, but they were doing it the way moshing was originally intended: people slamming into each other and having a good time, rather than just some guys beating the hell out of each other. at that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that it had been a really, really, really long time since i had seen moshing of any kind. and this little voice in my head said, "hey Bethy, you may not remember this, but you have been to rock shows and punk shows before, and you moshed. you actually went to Lollapalooza when you were thirteen, and a bunch of unconscious guys fell on you and almost killed you." but it was too late, because i was already an old senile person, and it was not the 1990's, and all the music was bad, and i thought that i would probably never go to a show again. |
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| school is over (if you want it) |
[May. 18th, 2004|11:44 am] |
i never mentioned that i am done, done, done with Middlesex forever. that's two schools in one year.
i have absolutely no idea what my future holds whatsoever. i have no plans for going to school in the fall, and i don't know what i'm going to do ever again.
i haven't gotten called back by any of the places where i applied for a job, but i'm going to keep waiting and apply to more places. i reckon that when i move to New Hampshire there will be more opportunities for work. my dad told me that somewhere near where we're looking at houses there is an organic farm run by Seventh Day Adventists...that sounds exciting to me. except that my dad laughed at me for some reason.
finally, and maybe most importantly, i don't know how much longer i am going to be able to live at home. i was looking forward to the big rambling old house in the country, and i will get to at least move all my stuff there, but i don't know how long i'm going to be able to stick around to enjoy it.
so, with that in mind, i'm looking into moving into a trailer. not right away, mind you. it's just something i'm thinking about and making plans for the indefinite future. i don't know much about trailer park living except what i remember from the friends i had in Michigan when i was little. that's not much. but right now, that's something i have on the back burner. i don't know what Apesy thinks about the idea of living in a trailer, but i don't think that he'd have a major problem with it...at least, not in theory.
anyway, i can't believe that school is over. it's been one hell of a year for Bethy Williams. |
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[May. 15th, 2004|07:27 pm] |
the sun has been shining like absolute crazy all day long. today was the sunniest, blue-sky-ing-est, not-a-cloud-in-sight-ing-iest day i've seen in a long time.
even when the sky began to set less than an hour ago, the sky was still as clear and blue as ever. it was a regular idyllic summer evening.
then, about two seconds ago, i thought to myself, "it's about time for my evening walk, isn't it?"
so i looked up to the window, where only moments ago there had been birds singing, frogs chirping and gentle golden light, to see that, in mere seconds, the sky had completely filled with angry grey clouds. the wind was whipping the trees violently and...what was that, a thunderclap...?!?
in the time it took me to look down, then look up, a thunderstorm had rolled in completely out of nowhere.
it was a total magical moment. |
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[May. 11th, 2004|11:17 pm] |
i came into English today, not expecting anything exciting or out of the ordinary. then, my teacher announced to my class that i had won the school-wide essay contest.
i just about fell out of my seat.
i didn't even want to enter that contest. i wrote the essay for a totally unrelated assignment. my teacher entered it in the the contest for me without even asking me first. she told me about it later, but i didn't even remotely think that i was going to win. i had even forgotten all about it before today.
i wouldn't have showed that essay to anyone. i just thought it was some piece of crap that i did to fulfill an assignment. i was almost embarassed that she entered it in the contest. it would be like trying to get a lame doodle i made on a napkin into the Guggenheim.
yet, i beat the brains out of everyone in my school, and now i'm going to get a check for one hundred bucks. it feels totally unfair somehow...but i guess you won't see me complaining when i cash that check! |
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[May. 11th, 2004|12:27 am] |
i can't tell you how insane it will be when, at three o' clock on thursday, i will be done with school for a long time. not just for the summer either. because i have not had any idea at all what i've been doing for about a year or more, i could not possibly go to school next semester. so i will be out of school for a whole semester. maybe even a year.
i have been going to school non-stop since i was...what, three? four? unbelievable.
this will of course be marred by the big move, and my parents' psychotic behavior related to selling the house/the big move. but, all the same, i will not be in school anymore.
i am glad to finally get this feeling, which i reckon i was supposed to get at graduation. but i was too busy hating graduation, and besides, i had to go right off to another school anyway. |
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[May. 10th, 2004|12:19 am] |
i want to volunteer for a suicide prevention hotline.
the problem is that there doesn't seem to be one anywhere near where i could conceivably go every day. they are in places like Boston and Keene. why isn't there one in Nashua, or Manchester, or Lowell?
maybe i will have to start my own hotline. although, instead of it just being a service where you talk to someone on the phone, it will be a service where you can come to my house and cry into my shoulder.
it has always really made me hurt to think of how many people in the world are really, really sad and lonely. and they have no one to talk to, except some stranger on a hotline. i wish that i could be a guardian angel, and magically swoop everyone away from all the heartache. |
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[May. 9th, 2004|11:03 pm] |
my most esteemed little brother turned 18 today. we celebrated with korean food and bowling. actually, i didn't bowl because i didn't want to embarass everyone, so played House of the Dead instead. Apesy was not there because he was celebrating Mother's Day with his family, but Andrew's girlfriend Alyssa was there.
i made Andrew a chocolate cake. the thing is, i didn't have enough powdered sugar for the icing, so i tried to use some Florida crystals, which are superfine but not powdered. so the icing was gritty and weird and there wasn't enough to cover the cake. but i guess everyone liked it anyway.
the end. |
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[May. 5th, 2004|01:08 am] |
okay...i'm still up making journal entries with no substance. i just don't want to go to bed. i'm incredibly sad and lonely and depressed and overwhelmed by everything. i want school to be over really badly. at the same time, i feel really empty knowing that there are some cool people i've met that i will almost definitely never see again, and that i could use some friends now more than ever.
i want to get the jobs i've been looking for: not just the steady paycheck retail job i will probably not get, but the job writing for magazines and doing illustration that i only dream about. i want to remember the songs i think up in my head on the way to school long enough to make them into something, so i can reasonably call myself a musician again. i want to learn to play the violin that Apesy got for me. i want to be done packing my stuff into boxes and thinking about moving. i want to be making my new comic book.
i want to be healthy again. i want to stop having to worry about surgery and cancer.
i want people to admire me and love me, and for me to not be completely petrified about it.
i want all my silly childish longings to come true. and to make peace with the longings that will never be fulfilled. |
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[May. 4th, 2004|11:24 pm] |
this is going to sound really stupid, but i really, really, really wish i had some Vernor's ginger ale right now.
it's not for sale at any place i've ever seen in New England, but when i lived in Michigan it was in every store. it was in soda fountains instead of Canada Dry.
it's the best carbonated drink in the entire world. it's spicy and powerful and sweet. it makes every other beverage calling itself "ginger ale" look really stupid. i haven't had any in years, and for some reason i've been wishing really badly that i could have some.
some of the other things i miss about Michigan:
-hiding in the basement during tornadoes, which i always found incredibly exciting
-having families of deer who lived in my backyard and browsed from our trees
-also having a lot of rabbits in my yard
-finding fossils in the stones around my house
-Mackinac Island
-The Henry Ford Museum and Greenfield Village
-the weird hippy bakery in town that i remember for having giant mixing bowls and giant ovens
-the town where kids weren't allowed to get ice cream without written permission from their parents (for real-i just wish i could remember the name)
-being able to see really, really far away because the land was flatter
-my friends who had bohemian parents with stuff like giant Buddha statues in their gardens
-my friends who lived in the trailer park and brought Slim Jims and packets of Kool-Aid to school for lunch
-lots of guys who wore John Deere hats and trucker hats all the time, before it became Ashton-Kutcher-cool
-about 100,000,000,000 other things that i can't think of right now |
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[May. 4th, 2004|08:59 am] |
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[May. 3rd, 2004|03:38 pm] |
the surgeon came back from vacation. i went to see him today.
my biopsy results are negative for cancer. that means that they are 90% sure that i don't have cancer.
BUT
that also means that there's a 10% chance that there was cancer and they just didn't find it.
the only way to be certain is to get the lump removed and then analyzed.
the surgeon really, really, really wanted me to get surgery. he practically begged me. but i told him i didn't know if i wanted to get surgery yet. it seems like too much of a risk to take just to avoid having a sore throat once in a while. and i guess a 10% chance of cancer doesn't make me feel any better about surgery.
my dad thinks i should go to the Lahey Clinic for a second opinion, and i think i will. until then, i have an appointment with an endocrinologist, and i have to check back in six months or less for another round of biopsies and ultrasounds.
my mom is scared out of her wits. she thinks a 10% chance is too high, and that by the time i go back in six months, the cancer might have spread to my lymphatic system. i'm not as scared of cancer as i am of either dying in the midst of unnecessary surgery, or of losing my voice. at least if i'm going to die young, i want to have a little more time to do some of the things i want to do instead of dying in the next couple of weeks. |
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[May. 1st, 2004|08:31 pm] |
i go outside at night in the summer. i'm surrounded by the massive black shadows of trees. they have the presence of cathedrals, or skyscrapers, but more alive, like there are giant people all around me, watching me quietly. the sky is a dark blue that is luminous, that you could swim into with your eyes. there are no streetlamps or lit-up signs or anything to disturb the blue. it's the pure dark blue of a country night.
the peepers and toads and crickets are extraordinarily loud. it's not the shy, muffled chirping of one or two crickets, but an orchestra that overpowers all other sounds. it is possibly my favorite sound in the entire world.
and then, the way that the moon is so bright and so perfectly silver, and the way that she lights us all up like we're on a stage: the trees, the peepers, the toads, the crickets and me...
sometimes, it almost makes me cry, because i can't believe that there was a time when i was far, far away from all of this in the city. at least my body was there, but my soul was still here, without me.
and also, because i wish that you could be here, and feel the way that i do. |
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[May. 1st, 2004|10:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | m'aidez! m'aidez! | ] | Happy May Day to commies, pagans and everyone! |
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