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Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in
Brad Rankin's LiveJournal:
| Friday, April 23rd, 2004 | |
| 8:52 pm | Relative wealth. Recently I was gifted $11,000. To some a godsend, others a relatively small amount in either case regardless of relative wealth of such individuals it was a kind gesture. But it has brought me nothing but a lot of grief, there is so much pressure to do the right thing with the money. Who would have ever thought that a gift would come with rules, I wouldn't. The said person would like to see the money go towards something for me: preferably a car or college. Even though the story began with her spending her money on something she always wanted and would come to enjoy more, as I listened I thought the moral was going to be that buy something you want, that will also work for you. Something practical. Although she did not outright say to use it practically there were guidelines as to she would be very upset if I... And so I feel pressured to spend it on a car because that is something I "kind of" need at this point in time. The Buick runs, yes, but for how long? It really seems to be drinking gas as of late or maybe it's because I've been paying for it out of my pocket. I am unsure. So I've been looking at the Toyotas. Mainly the Corolla S, but I have also been reading up on the Prius, because quite frankly I am looking for fuel economy. I've test driven the S and it was nice, even though the sales person kind of ushered me off the sales floor after the test drive, I guess in all walks of life I am not to be taken too seriously. I also test drove a Mazda 6, later that day with Justin (ironically enough "Crazy Train" was playing on the radio during the test drive), and the sales people were just cold and basically dicks to me telling me that the 6, was a step up and out of range for someone interested in a Corolla S and that maybe I should look into the Mazda 3. After such bruising to my ego they persisted that I "step into their office and do the math, crunch some numbers, see what we can come up with"; I just wanted to get out. Regarding the car I just don't know what to do, I've test driven the S it's nice I need about $5,000 to buy it precisely the way I want it. And then there's the whole matter or haggling over the cost, what I want to pay and what they want to see it go for. If I feel too pressured I'm sure I could get some help from Jansen or his father. Then there's college. It seems like the next logical step for someone who's been out of school for about a year now but I still have a lot of hesitancy. I guess it stems from high school being such a drag or the fact that I cannot think of a single major I could excel in. Maybe I should go to Collins' or Brooks' but photography and graphic design do not seem lucrative, and it's not about the money. It really isn't but the job market just doesn't seem that large for any of my passions/hobbies. I guess what I'm afraid of is spending all this money for nothing. And it's not that I need to have something to show for it, but I do not want the guilt of knowing that I wasted the money that was supposed to have purpose in my life. Then there are the things that delight and tug at my hearts strings. For one reason or another I have this, some would say, "stupid" notion in my head that some day I will "make it" and play in a band. I am sick of my current 15 watt amp, I've had it since 1999 and it's pretty shot, I need a new amp. I am also sick of my Ibanez EDA-905 but I think it may just be the amp that makes me revere playing it so much. Or it could be that it has so much flexibility and I am not a flexible person, I honestly don't know. I believe I tend to prefer passive to active, which could be another factor as to why I have grown apart from Excalibur. Anyway, by chance I was given an hour lunch break from work so I decided to go to Subway for lunch and check out what Whittaker Music had to offer they had Fender, Peavey, SWR, and Gallen-Kruger amps- all combos aside from the SWR. In order to test out and amp you need an instrument... they had Fender and Ibanez, so much for selection. But they had quite a few varying models of the two manufacturers. Anyway I picked a Fender off the wall, not willing to be impressed because quite honestly I have never liked Fender. I played it and just loved it, had the right look and feel, didn't sound bad either. Info. But anyway it's $699 and I really want it but don't want to get it because then I'd be taking money away from the car fund (not the $11,000, but the money I am earning at my job and planning to put towards the car). But then there's the whole amp situation a lot of people have been suggesting that I just build my own rig if the price difference will only be $200 between a Crate BX100 and buying an Ampeg SVT-15E and some used head from Pete's music. The only thing to do is to play them and see which one you like more and what sounds nice to you, and it's really like finding a needle in a haystack because Guitar Center mainly only carries Ampeg gear (and yeah it's high quality and sounds nice but I can't afford to spend $5,000 on a head and cab.) and plus you can't hear yourself playing over the incessant wailing of guitars, my only possible solution would be to get there right as they open. But there still could be guitarists or other eager musicians waiting to try out their own dream rig. Then there's the whole decision of tube, solid state, digital. The deeper I go the more complicated it gets, along with the utter lack of knowledge on the submit. I cannot help but feel a little bit lost and overwhlemed and it's not like there's a real source to go because I've tried review sites and they are not that subjective. 1-10 scale and some added dialogue which is usually "OH MY GOD! THIS THING RULES!!! and I got a really nice deal on it. neener neener neener! :P" I just don't know what to do. My mom says she'll help me through school and/or help me buy the car (I.E. front me the $5,000 and have her pay her back, rather than financing the car). Measure twice, cut once. Is all I can say to myself because there is so much pressure riding on doing the right thing and if I mess up it's not like I can return this stuff it will be a serious financial loss if I make the wrong decision here and it's just really frustrating. Questions, comments. Answers. |
| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 | |
| 12:38 pm | Well, it's finally happened... Mable passed away this morning. |
| Wednesday, March 10th, 2004 | |
| 8:38 pm |  NCE upon a time... |
| Friday, February 27th, 2004 | |
| 7:10 pm |  |
| Thursday, February 12th, 2004 | |
| 12:46 am | To set the tone for things to come... Wednesday evening my hard drive died, lost every single photo I had taken with my digital camera (other than the ones of me with band members (thankfully)) so when I have $1,000 dollars I can ship the drive off to a data recovery facility to have those hundreds, if not thousands, of photographs extracted. Saturday I checked out the Type O Negative site to see if the auction had started and come to find out Teen Wolf (Billy Kelly) had died. Today I learn that L'amours closed. |
| Wednesday, February 4th, 2004 | |
| 8:57 pm | Between the dead, dying, buried and me. Mable has Parkinson's disease and cancer throughout her vital organs, diagnosed with 60 days to live last month. Dub has cancer, in remission. Janice has cancer, unknown status. Who's next in line? |
| Wednesday, January 28th, 2004 | |
| 3:00 am | About last night... I woke up around 11:30 AM, a good while before my alarm was set to go off. I went online and chatted with Jansen until he went idle, I logged off and went downstairs to catch the end of the Kids In The Hall and hopefully eat some breakfast. I had a few glasses of cranberry juice, had planned to eat some boysenberries and bread, but the berries were moldy and Janice had discarded my French bread from two nights prior. I began to eat a "caramel" flavored health bar and nearly gagged, two bites in I threw it away. I knew those health bars were nasty, but that was terrible. I settled on peanuts and dried cranberries for my breakfast. Jenn called at noon to inform me that she was on her way home from the college, I got up and unlocked the door. Jansen called around 12:15 to inform me that he did not appreciate me just logging off and asked me what my plan was for the evening I told him that I would be leaving at 2 at the latest-with or without Jenn. After I got off the phone with him I went upstairs and took a shower, then got dressed and went back downstairs to print directions to Cane's. Then the doorbell rang, it was Jenn, I let her in and began to bring all the things I wanted to take downstairs (camera and extra battery, BW&BK; #70, The Guide, my hooded sweatshirt as well as Jansen's and a black Sharpie). Directions in hand we set out for Cane's Bar & Grill, we made at stop at the bank to cash my last paycheck, we pulled into a parking spot and as we got out I noticed Maria (the teller that is on Myspace) was getting out of her truck, I just started laughing and Jenn looked a little puzzled and I told her why I was laughing, she started laughing too. We walked inside and waited to be served, Maria passed us as we waited and we started laughing again; Kevin called us forward and asked me what I wanted done with the check I explained $50 cash back and the rest into the account, he gave me $88.34 and put the $50 in the account, don't ask me why. We were back on the road, but I was hungry, we continued down SR-79 as I complained and realized that no food was on that stretch- we got on the 15 heading south. Exited in Escondido, Centre City Parkway- I believe, and dined at Carl's Jr. Jenn had a chicken stars kid's meal and I had the charbroiled Santa Fe chicken sandwich with crisscuts. We journeyed onward to the 163 then the 8 and exited W. Mission Bay, made a left at the light and proceeded to get lost-Thank you Mapquest (Strike two). We got lost up in a community of apartments/condos nestled in the hills, it reminded me of C?te d'Azur in Gran Turisimo 3, you could see the ocean from the top of the hill. We stopped to call Jansen, it went to his voicemail, after the fact I realized that he was in class. Jenn called Jesse and told him to go to Mapquest and get directions from where we were to Cane's, down the hill we drove and merged into the 5, from the five to the 8 towards Beaches and again exited W. Mission Bay but made a right this time and found our way there. We had arrived it was 2:30, the box office window was closed, I was a bit perplexed by this and went inside to find a vacant hall with two bars and a stage- no employee of the venue that I could see. We sat in wait out front of Cane's with two other parties, one of fans for Opeth and the other fans of DevilDriver. A while later Moonspell came out of their bus and played soccer, kicking the ball back and forth at one another occasionally adding style and finesse by bouncing it from their heads or shuffling their feet around and dancing with the ball as to confuse whom they were going to kick the ball to, as they played I pointed out to Jenn the members and impersonated Fernando. I thought about running to the car to grab my camera so I could snag some shots of this classic moment, but I didn't I continued waiting in line. Around 3:30 Opeth went on stage to rehearse, they played "The Moor" or attempted to, they stopped and resumed the song several times. Often Mikael would turn around and criticize Martin Lopez or at least that's what he seemed to be doing as they argued in Swedish. Not wanting to invade their privacy any further I wandered back outside. The box office was still closed so I wandered upstairs to the restaurant to inquire about tickets, I bought three from a man serving drinks at the bar he also reminded me to come back for a cocktail if I got thirsty. Opeth had moved on to "Windowpane" which they had actually played in double time, I dubbed it the jazz club remix. I called Jansen sometime after 4:00 to see where he was, he was in his dorm and I informed him of all that he had missed and I hung up presuming that he would be on his way shortly. We waited as band members passed us by just watching and waiting, 5:00 rolled around and he still hadn't appeared, I called again and asked where he was, "In the elevator." he responded; I was disappointed in his answer but what was I to do? His point of view was that he didn't need to be in a rush because he had people holding a spot for him in line. He arrived some time later, we spoke, we squabbled, we joked, we quoted, we poked and proded. Finally the doors opened, two lines, the guy rips my ticket and stares at my ID. We're in the front along the guard rail and the mallcore kids are to our left. Class of Zero was the first act to take the stage, I kind of just spaced out during their set, I paid attention to how the bassist and guitarist played but then just spaced out staring at the Opeth "O" backdrop. Next DevilDriver took the stage I listened and wasn't too impressed; I felt Dez was better off with Coal Chamber, but there was too much inner conflict. DevilDriver is a more metal band than Coal Chamber was, they demanded a lot of the crowd- they acted as if the people were there to see them, some were (Jansen included) I'll give them that. I suppose it just could have just been the P.A., I'll listen to their album before I completely close the book on them. At the end of their set Grizzly came over and handed Jansen and the mallcore kids a setlist, Jansen turned to me giving off his face of false-surprise that has become so common while playing video games,"What? I won. NO WAY!". Moonspell was up next and they had to set up their own equipment, I noticed that Fernando wasn't dressed up, I feared that he may perform in his casual attire and Jenn/Jansen wouldn't be able to experience them as I had at the Palladium with Type O Negative and Cradle of Filth. The same Moonspell I had spent hyping up while waiting in line. VAMPIRIA! But alas they finished and left the stage and Mike (drummer) took the stage again and started their opening loop as fog poured from the ceiling and bathed the stage in it's mist, the rest of the members slowly took their place and Fernando could be seen peeking through the door, finally he came out. His hair draping behind him, wearing his black cloak as I hoped. The set was practically the same, with a few exceptions... In and Above Men From Lowering Skies Alma Mater Vampiria The Southern Deathstyle Everything Invaded Opium Devilred Full Moon Madness Their set, regardless of the songs played, was a lot better; they were warmer- Fernando informed us that they saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time and plus I didn't have a fat Mexican guy in a Reebok jogging suit trying to toke from his pipe in front of me while yelling "Moonspell, motherfuckers!" and pushing people around. They actually played an encore, I didn't suspect that people starting chanting there name as soon as they left the stage, "You really want us to take time away from Opeth?". The only bad thing was during the middle of their set I looked to the left of me, don't ask why and I saw this stupid broad in a pink and black dress with pink arm bands...I look up and it's this twat that I sold a Britney Spears CD to while I was working at Wal-Mart. WHAT THE FUCK?! Don't try to rationalize with me, "It was probably just a gift..." NO! It wasn't a gift, I distinctly remember her saying that she likes Britney Spears, REGARDLESS, of if she felt guilty for doing so: 1) She should not have been in the front and 2) she should not have even been there, period. That whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth, ruined my fucking night (just like seeing those assholes from work at Static-X). And it has nothing to do with me being pious, bias or anything of the sort... I go to concerts to avoid those people and yet they find away to desecrate my holiest of temples. While I waited for Opeth to take the stage some girl pushed her way from the back to be behind me, it bugged me I turned my head to the merchandise booth and examined the Moonspell shirts and ever so discretely eyed her, this went on for quite sometime, "AM I BOTHERING YOU?". "No...", but she was. There was a roar from the crowd as Opeth took the stage, they opened with "Master's Apprentices"- fucking brutal. My arm was up and the horns exposed. Master's Apprentices Drapery Falls The Moor Windowpane In My Time of Need April Ethereal Deliverance Blackwater Park Demon of the Fall I had my arm up giving the horns the entire set and in between songs when Mikael would switch guitars or warm up the crowd; Martin Mendez would look down at me and nod in approval and occasionally return the horns. The moments in between songs were classic, as per usual, whether it be something Mikael said or a fan yelled, "You're obscure and we love it!" one could be heard yelling before "In My Time of Need" or the idle banter of songs wanting to be heard, sometimes the listing of random tracks from bands like Iron Maiden, The Scorpions, and bands of the like, to which one Mikael replied "That's a kiss ass song, I never liked that song." I honestly don't know why I try to describe the concert it's all black to the blind, in all honesty you just had to be there. But we learned that they only have two songs in dropped-D tuning, because a fan yelled "YEAH! Dropped-D!" and Mikael corrected him and alluded to the songs that were (Blackwater Park and Demon of the Fall). In closing they played "Demon of the Fall" and dedicated it to "our dark lord, Satanus." When they left the stage Martin Mendez came up to me and shook my hand, he held on for so long I had to pull away. The concert was good, aside from knowing that girl was around. Yes I lacked the awe I once had when I saw them first at the Galaxy Theatre, there performance was still flawless and to make it better I was in the front. I just wish they could play more songs in a given set, I know it deals with time because all their songs are in excess of 10 minutes but they are masterpieces and they must be treated that way, maybe they should only have one opener so they can perform longer, but I suppose asking for more than 90/120 minutes is cruel. I guess I just want more. As the crowd began to move for the door I realized that I couldn't walk, my knees (right in particular) had locked; Jenn forced them to bend with her foot and I crept towards the door and I bought an autographed copy of "The Antidote" (Moonspell), an Opeth shirt, and a Opeth key chain. We walked to the car where I got out Jansen's hooded sweatshirt and then mine, as I lifted mine out I heard something hit the ground, I feared it was my camera, but the noise didn't sound large enough I got on my knees and began feeling around on the ground it turned out to be my camera's spare battery. Jenn was cold so I gave her my sweatshirt to put on she got in the Focus, reclined the seat and balled up as I grabbed my camera, the sharpie and the issue of BW&BK; and headed out to meet the band(s). There were hordes of fans in their own little social circles and I stood alone waiting patiently. There was a clamor of noise that could be heard in the distance, shortly after Fernando rounded the corner of the venue (facing the ocean) there were a lot of people following him, it was as if he were the singular dot on 5-side of the die, they were all around him but you could see him to do his height. He spoke they listened and sometimes laughed, it was a really odd scene all in all. I interupted him and asked for a photograph, "Yeah, yeah, sure... Hey you watched us play soccer...How did you like the show?" "You guys were great, I saw you a couple of months earlier in L.A. with Type O Negative" "No, the game of futbol!" "Oh, that was pretty good man!" "Yeah? We just got that futbol." The someone asked him about his leather jacket and he went into a story about how Kenny from Type O Negative wanted to buy it off of him. I walked away and shortly there after Martin Mendez came out, I had him sign my copy of BW&BK; and took a picture with him. Next was Peter, he signed the magazine and a girl, Alinas, took the photo for me (we spoke while were waiting, I asked her why she prefered the Canon AE1 over another camera). I could have sworn I saw Martin Lopez pass me as I waited for other members, but I didn't want to ask the guy and be wrong because no one else seemed to care or notice it was him. As it turns out it was him, god damnit! I saw the drummer from Moonspell walking about and so I went over to him and asked for a picture, "Hi, I'm Mike." he said to me, I was kind of confused by it. But whatever he's a cool guy and an awesome drummer. Next up was the unnamed bassist of Moonspell, Aires Pereira, who was just standing outside of the Moonspell bus. The guy has some bad ass shirts, when they were playing soccer he was wearing a Black Sabbath "Headless Cross" tee shirt and then a Death shirt after the show! (R.I.P. Chuck) Last but not least was Mikael of Opeth , everyone had something to say to him but he was very modest to their praises "You were great tonight!" "No... I fucked up a couple of times" I asked him about Martin Lopez and he commented that he was probably smoking weed in the back of the bus. Oh well, It seems I am destined to meet all the members of a band except for one every time. Rivers from Weezer, Kenny from Type O Negative, Pedro from Moonspell, and Martin Lopez of Opeth. Maybe someday, I've been fortunate enough to meet members of these bands so I shouldn't complain. |
| Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 | |
| 5:55 pm | Yesterday don't mean shit I've worked out things with Janice, she read a couple of other things she shouldn't have read and assumed they were about her but I told her that they weren't about her. Then we went computer shopping for her she bought an HP-320, more than enough to meet her requirements. It was her New Year's resolution to buy a computer and use it for dealing with all her personal affairs; business and friends. Anyway I had to network the two computers together so she could connect to the internet, that was a frustrating ordeal. The Wireless-B adapter worked fine in my computer and when we switch roles, her's rejected the Wireless-B after days of inactivity I updated the drivers and it began working. I took too long to register for college, I was waiting for Jenn to get back from Santa Cruz so I she could walk me through it and possibly sign up for a lot of classes together or a least in the same window of time so we could commute, but alas I didn't register so I cannot go. I need to get another job, which will most likely suck- but I have a light at the end of the tunnel this time. I plan on working towards buying some live audio equipment and/or an ugly car to call my own preferably a BMW 2002 or any pre-90's Honda (Accord, Civic, CRX, Prelude) or Toyota (Camry, Carolla, Celica, Corona, Supra, Tercel). Like I said something ugly, preferably boxy, something to customize, something that suits me, and something fuel efficient. I plan to one day have an armada of ugly cars with unique paint jobs and various modifications/manipulations and not "speed" or "performance" ones like a stupid ricer. Putting a wing, tip or carbon-fiber hood on your car does not make it a race car. In other news I've been wasting a lot of time on myspace trying to befriend those with like interests and possibly find a girlfriend. But it's turning into an enormous waste of time; everyone listens to emo, rap, hip-hop, pop or techno or they drink too much and smoke too much or maybe, just maybe, I'm being to picky and critical. It's like shopping in a museum, "You look. You do not touch, you fool." In other news I've been pretty bored and pretty lonely, everyone's off doing bigger and better things. I suppose the seclusion is fine gives me a lot of time to myself to waste on HTML and playing guitar/bass. |
| Thursday, January 8th, 2004 | |
| 2:25 am | Nothing ever turns out right... I went to Guitar Center today to check out bass amps and possibly purchase one. Because in all honesty I need something better than the fifteen watt practice amp, something that actually sounds good with my bass. Maybe it's me, maybe it's the bass- I really don't know but nothing sounded that good and then this guy came in slapping and tapping- outshining me; I was pretty much done checking out the amps so I walked over to the counter where they were holding my case and thought about leaving, but I decided to just put the bass away. Jansen and I ventured into the drum room and there I discovered that I am not as good on double bass as I once was- couldn't even get a good rhythm going, onward into the live audio room where I wanted to get help picking out a starter P.A. system, but no one could be of service- they were all helping customers or lost in there own world, which is fine because I only have $800 or so left in the bank and no job. Back onto the sales floor I combed the guitar wall and was kind of shocked to see that their B.C. Rich display was gone, as we walked for the door we noticed something too good to pass up a B.C. Rich Warlock for only $99! I plugged it into to a Line 6 with a bunch of odd presets and it sounded pretty terrible. But it gives me pleasure to aggravate the ones I hate. After some more meddling, trying to get a cleaner tone out of it I put it back on the stand, then we noticed it! A used Washburn/Dimebag Darrell signature series guitar only $149; I went over to the counter and asked for a pick, since the machine was out of order, I went back over to the guitar picked it up and prowled for a cord and an empty amp; a Crate amp with three channels did quite nicely. This guitar, I don't know something about it made me so happy inside, I heard how bad I was playing and I didn't care it just slid off of me as I continued making noise then all the ideas of modifying and treating it like shit, like Dime made me salivate. How would we paint it? What would we etch into it? How would it sound afterwards? I couldn't help it I was grinning ear to ear. Needless to say I bought the thing. "Best $150 I ever spent", I thought to myself as I was walked towards the door then this authority figure approached me "Do you know that man?" "What man?" "Ian." "Ian who?" "The man who sold you your guitar." "Uh...no?" He let out a sigh as he snatched the receipt from my hand and began typing into the computer, I still had no idea what had happened or why he was doing this. He grunted in anguish as he had to retype all that he had entered and then cursed a little over something printed out a second receipt, gave me mine then walked away. I looked to Jansen and then the girl at the counter, no clue what happened... grabbed my bass and headed out the door, the girl mentioned that every Saturday local bands play and that if I have a band we should come play. "Rock on." she said as we drifted through those doors, I turned to Jansen and told him in a couple of weekends Dreadnought could be playing there- we shared a laugh and then I asked him what the hell just happened and he suggested that the guy might have done something wrong. Maybe so, with that we were on our way home listening to none other than: Pantera. The whole ride home we sang along and intermittently I would just laugh at my investment, I bought an instrument I don't even play. When I got home I rushed in with it giddy to mess around with it some more. "Mom, look what I got!" I held it up with glee "I stole it from the kid down the street." She could not be seen nor heard, but her presence was there. I walked up the stairs and she's hiding her face, I sit at the computer and notice that the LiveJournal module is open to the entry about her... "Is this really how you feel about me? If it is maybe you should just leave. You need help." so many other things she spouted as she wandered downstairs, Jansen looked to me in a bewildered manner and I called him over to read it. I went downstairs and filled a glass with water and said "I'm sorry" before I went back upstairs but she continued avoiding me, she came back upstairs and locked herself in her room, I looked to Jansen and pointed at him and then the stairs and he quietly asked if I wanted him to go, I said no and then pointed to myself, then him and then the stairs. I got up and grabbed my GameCube games, my new guitar, my bass, and my amp and headed out the front door. We threw the stuff in the back seat and headed over to his house, quite possibly my new home I thought. As things go from bad to worse, I fail to comprehend why it is constantly raining down on me. Just as soon as I begin to see the light something steals it away. In a matter of moments a good day for me was sheered to shit. Why must this constantly happen to me? Am I wrong? I thought and I couldn't shake that from me, had what I done been so terrible? Lord knows there's worse. She'll stand by Reanna regardless, I don't get her a Christmas gift and the whole world falls apart. Am I supposed to just stand there and take that? When in comparison to Reanna I am an angel. Am I supposed to accept the fact that she brings the tree skirt up to me soiled in cat vomit and says "I'm sorry I overlooked your gift"? Am I not supposed to react to the fact that you tend to treat me like shit and expect better in return? No. I'm sorry I wrote down my feelings far from your eyes instead of expressing them to you, I thought this might spare us some drama, but I guess I was wrong. I turn to Jansen and ask "Am I wrong?" "I don't know" not meaning to offend "she was overreacting, but that's what women tend to do: overreact" he reasons What does this mean for me? Where am I going to go? Bruce's, Jansen's or moving out on my own are my only options right now if I cannot reconcile with Janice. Who would have thought this day would come so quickly, recently I'd been thinking of moving out on my own- but now to be forced out to do it on my own? I'm not so sure I want that, I want to leave on my terms. |
| Monday, December 29th, 2003 | |
| 6:54 am | Mother, do you wanna bang heads with me? Hey Bacchus, She hates me. Or so it would seem? She tolerates what she can until she explodes in my face, this cannot be healthy for either party. Take your anger out on me, I'm sorry I'm everything you never wanted. I know I'm a constant reminder of failure. What do you think I see in the mirror? Make me feel guilty about all my shortcomings I just want to hide, why can't you understand? Rob me of my faults, grant me serenity I'm sorry, but that's not enough It's never enough What do you want from me? The tears of my heart? The hollowness from this coward's eyes? You're pushing and shoving me I'm scrambling Maybe the reason you didn't receive a gift is because nothing's good enough for you. Shaving would have been an adequate gift, I realize that and I apologize that I did not shave; I'm such an embarrassment, but you forget I'm also repugnant. If only the truth could be told. I'm walking on eggshells and cursing at these paper walls I'm losing what's left of my fucking mind and trying to keep what's left inside I'm spilling my guts to bathe you in blood You're baptized again, drown in my sin I'm fed up with you I'm not as good as you? Fuck you, I'm better than you. |
| Friday, October 3rd, 2003 | |
| 9:30 pm | Apologies are unacceptable now... I've made a date to meet my fate. Just let me die with dignity It's not suicide, simply mercy. |
| Sunday, September 21st, 2003 | |
| 3:25 am | And God don't know Cause God don't care |
| Thursday, September 18th, 2003 | |
| 4:40 pm | I love you But you don't know Snuck away with a grasp When all I wanted was a kiss |
| 12:00 pm | I am no longer a member of the human race. My membership was denied. I am now some lower form, a subhuman. Which humans can no longer identify with. No reason left to live. No one speaks. No one listens. No one... |
| Monday, September 15th, 2003 | |
| 10:10 am | The things we force ourselves to do. In hopes that it will bring us closer to them. I feel like such a fool, for being your tool. I haven't played this way since my parent's got divorced. When they used me to get back at one another. |
| Sunday, September 14th, 2003 | |
| 11:15 pm | She's crawling away Weak and sore Her trust I tore Frayed nerves wray Could not ignore Nothing to try for I left She wept |
| Wednesday, September 10th, 2003 | |
| 8:15 pm | My voyages on the seas of asphalt, part three I woke up at 8:30 to the repetitious sounds of an alarm clock and laid in bed contemplating whether or not I should go back to sleep since I didn't really want to go back to Temecula just yet. I came to the conclusion that I might as well just get up and go as I drug myself out of bed and into the kitchen for a bowl of Rice Chex. Then I took a shower, while I was getting out of the shower the telephone began ringing and I rushed over to answer it and it was Bruce "I was just calling to make sure you were up" "All right..." "Okay, have a safe trip. I'll call you later tonight about the interview." I went back to the shower area and finished drying off and then I combed my hair back and went to my room to dress. I grabbed the first of whatever I saw, so I wound up wearing the pirates are the new monkeys tee shirt, some beige shorts and white socks. From there I began packing everything. Dirty clothes into a plastic grocery store bag, clean clothes into the duffel bag, medication and toiletries into a baggie. Then I took everything I had hidden out of hiding, for instance my camera, video tapes, the Pantera CD case and DVD, and a notebook. Put all of my stuff by the front door and began loading it into the trunk: duffel bag and amp in the very back, the two basses in the front and everything else squeezed into crevices of space left between the front and back of the trunk. Once I was finished loading I went inside and made the call, but she wasn't home... "Hey mom it's Brad, I'm leaving and it's 9:30." I took a different way home, the way I am more accustomed to taking... Take D Street all the way out of town and merge onto 198 and from there you take the 99. On the 99 I got stuck behind people who wanted to go slow and such and so I would pass and sometimes I would gain ground, other times I would lose it, but one time in particular I got in from of this Eco lab van and I'm checking my rear-view mirror as I steady myself in the lane and he's just looking back at me shaking his head in disapproval, like the guy in Happy Gilmore. Pantera / Vulgar Display Of Power From the 99 to the I-5... Type O Negative / Life Is Killing Me I stopped at the basin of the Grapevine to some gas, while there I changed CDs I took images of the Angeles Mountains while I climbed the I-5 A charred hill and a semi. Trees and a barricade. More trees, less barricade. Static-X / Machine From the 210 to the 57, to the 71... Soulfly / Soulfly From the 91 to the 215 to the 79... I let my mind wander and I thought over so many random things. Mainly my statement to Jasmine in an offshoot thread about how "life would be pretty exciting, if we could all get laid by who we want." Think before you speak: If we could get who we wanted there would be no sex in this world. Unless of course you're looking at this from the perspective in which love is purely one-way. Regardless, love is an everlasting compromise. You love her But she loves him And he loves somebody else You just can't win This lead me into the belief that life is one great big compromise and regardless of circumstances you will always settle for less as long as you walk away with a piece of what you want. You take what you can and stow away until you can get what you really want. It was then that I decided that it was worthless for me to further pursue interests of love, that "[I] would save all my loving for someone who's loving me." I would rather spend my time pursuing things of interest rather than chase smoken trails and play these stupid little games. I promised myself somewhere in teenage life I'd never submit to the ones I will not be like Live in a hole, but stay close to my kind 'Cause they understand what burns in my mind As I walked in the door there was no welcome, my sister just starred at me vacantly and I just looked away and went up the stairs... With each step I got a glimpse of the lounge and what had become of it, that woman had cleaned it. There were two chairs obstructing the windows, the coffee table was pushed against the throne and those two wooden chairs. The record player was gone and there was not a single thing resting against the carpet. I didn't really mind the fact that she had cleaned the lounge because she's so anal retentive about having everything clean and orderly. I walked to my desk and sat in the computer chair and booted up the computer, as I reached to push the power button for the monitor I noticed an envelope propped up next to it... Brad and Friends- You have done a nice job on the shutters with the B-B Gun. The shutters for that window only cost $500. No big deal - Right? Wrong! The B-B Guns and ammo are not allowed in this house or outside my property. Enough - Pay for the shutters. As I look up from reading this she is standing to the right of me and just begins reiterating what I had just read. I stared at her with such animosity, rage, and pure hatred. All those feelings blended together and mutated into something much more sublime, the fire inside of me was burning out of control. I just wish that for once I could just cut right into her like she does me and make her feel as pathetic and meaningless as I. It's as if she thinks I'm Iron Man, that I don't feel pain. I travelled all this way for an interview, to try and get a job so she would shut up and recognize for once that I am trying. No one understands how hard life is becoming for me, it's a daily struggle... As she walked away I began weeping silently... I told Tina about what was happening, but she had to go. So I told Jansen of my struggles. How I had travelled so far just for a single interview and I wasn't welcomed home, instead she automatically started in on me on another thing that I had done wrong. "It's bullshit that I have three interviews, it's bullshit that I have to pay for these shutters, and it's bullshit that I'm even back here. I don't know why I even bother." I crept away into the shower and cried, my tears and the water merged into one... And I cursed her name, and repeated words of how I felt. People like me feel lost and little and ugly and dispensable... I know I'm failing you I know I'm disappointing you It's like every morning I wake up and I fail and I look around and everybody seems to be pulling it off but somehow I can't no matter how hard I try... I'll never be enough. When I got out of the shower I saw my reflection in the mirror and cried even more... I didn't even bother to disguise my scars as I walked into my room, turned on my stereo and blared Jerry Cantrell's "Anger Rising" in hopes of her hearing and understanding she plays the role of father. Alabama trailer park they call home Boy standing at attention in the corner his own Terrified, scorpion crawling the wall By the way father, could you please beat me some more? Anger rising up inside him yet again Tell me you got a plan Deaf and blind I'm living with the lepers and You want to hold my hand Cold Alaska, hiding, bundled up tight Stretch aluminum foil 'cross the window at night Mother crying, calling out up the stairs By the way father, do you even care that I'm scared? Anger rising up inside him yet again Tell me you got a plan Deaf and blind I'm living with the lepers and You want to hold my hand Devil rising up inside him yet again Tell me you got a plan Deaf and blind I'm living with the lepers and You want to hold my hand Generation three, solitary, alone By the way father, created hell on my own Anger rising up inside him yet again Tell me you got a plan Deaf and blind I'm living with the lepers and You want to hold my hand Anger rising up inside him yet again Tell me you got a plan Deaf and blind I'm living with the lepers and You want to hold my hand I collected my composure as I dressed in black slacks and a black tee under a grey dress shirt. I put my hair back in a ponytail, and with that I was on my way back to the EDD for my second interview. I sat in the drivers seat starring at my house and in the rear-view mirror while I cursed her name and beat myself up. I was livid, I was losing to her, I listened to "Vulgar Display of Power" because I needed something angry that I could relate to as I screamed in rage, Phil sang: Mouth Of War, Walk, Fucking Hostile, and Rise. I entered the EDD and went to the place where I had dropped off my application, but there was a meeting being conducted in there and it said for all Wal Mart applicants to go to 200 and so I went into the room across the hall, but I am not to sure it was 200. I just assumed it was since the first room was 201, and there was only one other door. I went inside and paced around for any familiar faces, after a couple of minutes of wandering around I noticed this lady was talking to a man in a navy blue shirt with Wal Mart embroidered on it so I went over to him and I told him I was there for my second interview and he told me to follow him, he led be back into the hallway where I came from and asked me to sit down in a chair. I took a seat and waited and he walked away and told me to stay seated, some time later Randy came out with my papers and asked me why I was there and I told him that I had called yesterday morning saying that I couldn't make a second interview that day and that he said it would be fine if I came in today. He led me back into room "200" and led through a maze of quasi-cubicles to an isolated room in the corner with a glass door and chairs lined against the wall and told me to take a seat, he exited through a door to the right and went off to fetch someone else to review my information and survey answers with. She asked me to read as couple of the questions on the survey to myself and then give her my answer, she really seemed to enjoy my answers as they were not only dealing with the issue from one side. When I was finished she led me back to Terry, the man I had initially spoken with that day, he's the manager and asked me a couple questions about what I did/didn't like about previous jobs and what I would do if I noticed an employee stealing, and I told him I'd tell him that I would tell a supervisor. "That's right, tell me, tell Terry." He had a Mike Tyson characteristic to him, how he looked menacing but had the voice of a mouse when he spoke. But he asked me several other questions like what type of employment I was looking for and I told him I'd like to work in either Electronics "We don't need no body for electronics, we're hiring overnight stockers and truck unloaders." and I finished with my answer by telling him that I was also interested in being an overnight stocker. Later on he had asked me if I had any "mechanical skills" and I just told him that I was really good with computers. "Fine, fine, I'll put you in electronics. You'll be an electronics sales associate, Brad. How do you like the sound of that?" I was kind of pleased and upset at the same time but we shook hands as he told me that he looked forward to working with me. He led me to a table where I sat while he fetched Randy. I had to sign some documents regarding whether or not I felt I could complete the tasks that the job would require. Randy gave me a sheet of papers and directions to a medical clinic in Murrieta where I had to go to do a pre-employment drug screening. I told him thank you as I walked away, with a dose of glee in my system I got in the car and headed to The Chocolate Peddler to thank Donna and her mom for saying good things about me, from there I went to the comic book shop and picked up my subscription. Then I went to Murrieta and did the drug test, on the way home I listened to "Hollow" a couple times and just kept chanting "Mad at God." I came home and downloaded the images of my voyages and shared the images of Steve with Emilia since she wanted proof of his existence... I showed her and she began kicking herself and then said how cute Steve was, this just set me off. It knocked over the can of gas left in my mind. I just got back into my car and began driving and thought to myself while listening to "We Hate Everyone" Why doesn't anyone think I am cute? Why is it that ugly people always have cute friends? What makes Steve more cute than me? I was driving with no clue as to where I was going... I thought about going to Eagle Nest so I could look God in the face and scream at him. I thought about just driving until I ran out of gas. I thought about going to Best Buy to see if they had any thing worth buying. I wound up in the Best Buy parking lot crying on the inside while beginning to write "My voyages on the seas of asphalt, part one" 15 minutes later when the sun finally decided to disappear I looked up and just punched at the air. WHY AM I HIDEOUS?! WHY ME GOD DAMNIT?! FUCK! I drove back home and parked the car in the driveway and just pondered...Why? I went inside with a blank face and went upstairs to see if anyone was online that I could vent to, but everyone was away. I just went in my room, turned on the stereo and fell asleep weeping to "Anger Rising" while wonder why I just didn't get up and drain my veins. I was so sick of living and I promised my life away into the hands of those who didn't care. I should have done it. To defy them, to do something for me. But no I fell asleep crying. |
| Tuesday, September 9th, 2003 | |
| 12:40 am | My voyages on the seas of asphalt, part two I woke up at 7:30 torn from my slumber by the sounds of a throaty exhaust humming it's tune and car ripping down my street. Which was rather odd because the night before, when I was going to sleep I had thought about how much Matt loved his cars and how I didn't mind helping him with them, regardless of the time or what I was doing. I helped him as much as I could. But what makes it odd is how I was thinking about how to describe waking up in the middle of the night because you heard the throaty exhaust of the '57 hacking as it drove up and down the street before it was parked again before more work. I looked at the alarm and noted the time and didn't even bother going back to sleep because I figured it was worthless with what had happened the day before and if I fell asleep I might wake up late. So I crawled out of bed and went into the family room and put the Pantera DVD in and watched "Vulgar Videos" as I continued to wake up and as I had my breakfast of Rice Chex. At 8:30 my mom called me and told me that Wal Mart had called about a second interview and gave me a telephone number and the name of the person she spoke with. I called, it was busy. "Vulgar Videos" ended just in time, 9:00 AM, I rushed into the master bedroom and took a shower then proceeded back to my room and decided on what to wear... Pirates are the new monkeys, Cradle Of Filth - Damnation And A Day, Opeth - Deliverance. I had thought about wearing the Cradle Of Filth, but then wondered why I had even bothered to bring it along because the back reads "Thank God for the suffering" and that would absolutely make Bruce livid. I decided to wear the Opeth - Deliverance tee because I planned on wearing my Jack beanie and the pirates are the new monkeys tee has a skull on it, and I didn't think I needed to wear two skulls. I turned on the computer and made some notation of last minute directions. Before I left I called the number one last time and Randy picked up and I told him the situation and he said it would be fine if I came by tomorrow and did the second interview. I got into the Buick, put Opeth's "Still Life" in the CD player and with that I was on my way to Gilroy. I got onto the 198 headed west and merged onto the I-5 I drove on the freeway my best friend and died on and I drove on the freeway from my childhood, the one with all the grazing cattle and the stench of manure prevalent and all the hills that looked like they had been formed from granules of wheat that rolled and roll, the same ones that seemed to be staked into the ground with electrical poles. Those Hills. From the I-5 to the 152... Rammstein / Herzeleid My CD player kept having a fit of the hiccups so I turned it off and turned the radio on, I kept passing in and out of reception due to hills but I thought I'd finally found the right station when I heard Metallica's "Ride The Lightning" but soon it faded to static and continued fumbling through FM stations. I wound up on a station that came in clear as a bell, some Christian radio talk station. They were talking about how Christians view abortion as part of the "thou shall not kill" commandment. Which enraged me, but I continued listening, they were talking about how Christian's came to this view in the second century and it was written in the New Testament, rather than the Old Testament and how some Pagans thought Christians were cannibals because they ate the "body of Christ" when they consumed the Christ waffers, and they drank his "blood" when they sipped wine. I turned it off and began thinking to myself. I began thinking about all the hypocrisy of their commandments and especially "thou shall not kill" Because all those stupid hunting shows on the television they all profess themselves as Christians from putting a Jesus fish somewhere in their logo to saying thinks like "thank you god almighty for this kill" or "god bless" and all this other shit and it's like wait a minute. You're killing. You're killing an animal and all these Christian tycoons are killing nature. What gives you the right to kill an animal? Is it because you are the dominate species? Or what? Because "thou shall not kill" sounds like a pretty clear case for not wanting killing of any kind. Maybe I'm just jaded or something... And abortions in the second century, what the fuck? How in the hell did they manage that? Was it some form of a coat hanger abortion? Did they even have enough intelligence to comprehend such a thing at the time? And don't get me wrong, I am not religious in any aspect... All this talk and thought of abortion made me want to listen to Cradle Of Filth / Midian, any fan will know why... So I listened to "Midian" for the rest of the time on the 152 just as traffic was beginning to be backed up I turned off onto Bloomfield AVE / G7 and it was a nice little short-cut to the 25 which merged onto the 101. This is when Mapquest decided to be very hazy and start cutting out on directions I stayed on the 101 looking for a "Castro Valley Rd." exit, but it never came but I saw signs for a "Gavilian College" on some exits, I got off of the 101, I don't quite know which exit but I just got back onto the 101 but this time headed south and exited on the exit with the "Gavilian College" sign because Emilia told me to go to the college if I got lost or whatever, but wouldn't you now it-That exit was Castro Valley Road, from there I made a right onto Santa Teresa and a left onto Mesa RD. and noted a small entry to a residential area to the right of the college, but I wound up circling the college once because Mapquest wasn't precise, So I took Santa Teresa back to Mesa and this time I took that small little road into the residential which was a continuation of Mesa RD, I kept my eyes peeled for "Carignane DR" because I wasn't going to let Mapquest fuck me over, again. I found it and took it to the very top. Emilia was right about how incorrect Mapquest would prove to be. I circled around the Cul de Sac once and then parked in front of her house, or what I thought was her house. The numbers matched but was I on Michelle CT? I walked over to a set of mailboxes to see if they had any mail in them that could direct me elsewhere, had I been so wrong. Walking away I noticed some trashed mail in the recycle bin and I picked it up to examine, but no address. I went up to the door and knocked and no one was home. So I went to my car and put away my valuable as I was going to sleuth this one out. I leaned against the car in a quandary and noticed an elderly couple eyeballing me with high suspicion, I could only imagine what they were saying. I didn't like them starring at me so I began to walk away to find out for sure if I was on Michelle CT and as I was doing so this little white '91 Civic came charging up the hill, I peered inside and it was her giving me the finger. I couldn't help but feel appreciated, y'know visiting her rather than heading back for a possible job or staying in Lemoore to spend time with my friends. She gets out of her car and starts bitching to me about I parked in her spot and she thought it was the neighbors and was going to bitch at them, but it was me so she bitched at me. We went inside her house and she let in her dog who was supposed to hate men, but for whatever reason, it loved me... She gave me a tour of her house starting in the kitchen, into the garage and then to the backyard because she wanted to try and get one of her cats in. We almost had them both in but I guess she gave up or something because she didn't bring them back inside. We went back out front I don't really even remember why, I think it's because she wanted to take pictures, but we sat on my car and took pictures. Her dog's better side. Ms.Emilia, note the house to the background is where the Neighborhood Watch lives. Her dog, again. The following images she took: Emilia's test shot, which you can see in my photograph of her. Me looking at the image of the big fucking spider from the other night. Her goofing off with her camera. Her photo of me taking a photograph of myself, we thought it would be funny to have a photo of each other taking photos of ourselves. Her dog, my shadow. I asked her what she wanted to do then and she said go to get lunch... So we got in the Buick,I wanted her to listen to Type O Negative- so I took "Midian" out of the player and put it back in the case and then put in "Bloody Kisses" She was intrigued by the album art on "Midian" I told her it was Cradle Of Filth and she looked away as if she had something sickly sweet in her mouth "Trevor says they suck." "Trevor probably doesn't like black metal." I began driving, as she gave directions. "Christian Woman" played through the speakers as she spoke. "This sounds like something someone would listen to before they committed suicide." The conversations continued and she spoke of a Bill Hicks sketch on "abortion" because I had mentioned the crazy religious crap I had listened to in the mountains. I told her that he was dead and that Tool's Eulogy is in part either about Jesus Christ or Bill Hicks, but those are only theories. At Ayuttaya, she had noodles and I had beef dish with onions, red and green peppers, and a side of rice. It was very good. I guess I made her feel bad because I ate fast, she said she felt like she had been eating away at the noodles for hours and there was no sign of progress. But comforted her and told her there was a significant difference from the state of the plate then compared to when it was brought out. I covered the bill, she covered the tip. That's fuckin' team work. She locked the doors, I feared that we may be both locked out as I put the key in and turned it to see if it would unlock. Safe, we got back into the car and I skipped to "Black No.1" rather than attempting to fast forward to the second movement in "Christian Woman" She had said something about heavy music after meals making her sick and so I skipped to "Kill All The White People" to mess with her, and she asked me "[if Peter] really had that accent." "What accent?" "That Jamaican one" "Haha, no." And I tried to tell her why they had even bothered recording that track, but I think the meaning was lost in its translation. But I skipped ahead to "We Hate Everyone" in hopes of her grasping the concept of what I was attempting to say. We passed a dirt lot and she said "That's my high school", and I commented that she probably got a great education there...Ha-ha! "No, it's around the corner..." And I took a turn to fast just for fun, but I don't think she enjoyed it. We went by her bank, she withdrew $40. When she got back in the car I told her she could pick out a CD to listen to, she rummaged through them and decided on A Perfect Circle's "Mer De Noms" and then we went to the Gilroy Outlets. And she thought Tool was dead since Maynard was in A Perfect Circle...and I taught her otherwise. "Lateralus" came out in 2001, "Mer De Noms" came out in 2000. As many have said and will continue to say: Tool is the masculine side and A Perfect Circle is the feminine side. We parked in the back, where the employees park and she laughed at Building D for not taking in their shipment. We walked around for awhile and she was window shopping for a red dress, but that store doesn't carry her size so she didn't bother going in. We went into Music For A Song and I wandered about endlessly searching for something that would pacify me, I wound up buying Pantera's "Vulgar Display Of Power". After watching "Vulgar Videos" I really wanted to hear that album, I guess I had a hankering for Pantera that day. She bought Norah Jones' "Come Away With Me", and mentioned how she wished they would carry the string tribute to Coldplay. Well we continued walking and we went into the Jelly Belly store where she bought a pen and a box of the Hogwart's jelly beans. The female employee was way too happy to be helping us, she was really trying to sell us on jelly beans- but I guess I should give her a break for doing her job. Then we went in to No Fear where she was hoping Jaimie was, but he wasn't so she tried to get me to buy some clothing. And I just wasn't interested, I am happy with my wardrobe. We went into Nautica, a place where I would most likely never buy clothing from, and the onslaught continued. Haha, eventually she just gave up. We walked away with our CDs in our bags and these two guys passed us and commented on my shirt "Yeah, Opeth!" and I was proud of that. I showed her up, only she has a problem with what I wear. We got back in my car and it smelled like her Thai noodles, not like I cared, I just felt like making a point of it. So we went back to her house and just hung out, which was cool. She showed me a bunch of her drawings in sketchbooks and in a shoe box, she's talented to say the least. And then she braided my hair to "Ticks & Leeches" and commented how she needed more "angry" music and I was like,"Yeaaaah." as I remembered that we didn't listen to Type O Negative's "Slow, Deep and Hard" which kind of upset me because that's an album I listen to and quote a lot; it's kind of my "angry" music, since it encompasses a lot of what I tend to feel. And when I transcribed "Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty Of Infidelity" she said she liked it. But oh well, not enough hours in the day. We let the album finish and then she began doing dishes because she was supposed to have done it earlier, but didn't since I was there when she got back from school. We talked about things and I tried to make her happy, because this day was for her... I left at 4:30 PM because her parents were supposed to be coming home at 5 or 6 and she didn't tell them she was expecting a visitor. We went outside to my car and I opened the rear driver's side door and unwrapped my copy of "Vulgar Display Of Power" for the ride home. I told her "I guess this is where I go... do you want a hug?" And there was a hushed "Yeah..." as we hugged good-bye. I left the way I came and got back onto the 101-S and contemplated going all the way back home to Temecula that evening about 13 miles later I decided against it and turned around and sped back to the 25 and then made the left onto the G7 and took it back to the 152. I exited a while later because I was nervous that I may run out of gas and be stranded out there. I paid for the gas in cash because I wanted this trip to be my little secret. Well I drove back listening to Pantera's "Vulgar Display Of Power" singing along with Phil, and snapping pictures of things I noticed on the way there Before the stop for gas. Before the stop for gas the sequel. A dam on the 152. A different shot of the same dam. The scenic I-5. The scenic I-5. The scenic I-5. The scenic I-5. The scenic I-5. The scenic I-5. I was on I-5 when it first played through "Hollow" upon first listen it reminded me of my relationship with Jansen We seemed like bothers Talked for hours last month About what we wanna be I'm close with his mother Several miles down the road "Hollow" played again and it reminded me of Matt, a lot. What's left inside him? Don't he remember us? Can't he believe me? We seemed like bothers About what we wanna be I sit now with his hand in mine But I know he can't feel... No one knows What's done is done It's as if he were dead And she cries endlessly Lord how we miss him At least what's remembered It's so important to make best friends in life But it's hard when my friend sits with blank expressions No one knows What's done is done It's as if he were dead He as hollow as I alone now He as hollow as I alone A shell of my friend Just flesh and bone There's no soul He sees no love I shake my fists at skies above Mad at God He as hollow as I converse I wish he'd waken from this curse Hear my words before it's through I want to come in after you My best friend He as hollow as I alone I couldn't help but feel the emptiness in me, I wanted to cry so bad but it just stayed inside of me. When I entered Lemoore I stopped by Sean's house because I thought surely he had been wondering where I had been and so I would hang out with him. But his mom answered the door and said he wasn't home, he was at band practice. I went home and Bruce was having dinner, he told me that Janice called and I called her back. She just wanted to know where I had been and such. She inquired if I was in Fresno all day, and I just went with that as my alibi. So the story is that I went to Fresno and went to Heroes, Best Buy and drove around all day. Around 8 Brian showed up at my door while I reviewing friend's LiveJournals and was talking to people online, mainly Chad, Emilia, and Michelle. Chad was being all condescending to me which really pissed me off because I was bitching about how I had just come up and already I had to go back down for an interview And he was just like "Oh yeah it's bad to have a job and to make money" and all this crap I didn't need to hear, it's like for the past two years you've been unemployed so fuck you, you have no ground. I thanked Emilia and told her I hoped she had a good time and other kind things. Brian went into my room and grabbed my acoustic bass and began playing it because I was ignoring him and all this crap, and it's like I am in the middle of something right now just give me a minute to finish these conversations then we'll hang out. And just when I was finishing I get a telephone call from Steven Gerking and he tells me to "Step outside" "What?" "Step outside" "All right, I see headlights?" "Do you now?" "No..." He sounded really cold and I thought he was there to kick my ass or to start something up with me, but he just wanted to hang out and wondered why I hadn't called him and so I explained my situation to him. And I snapped some photos of him for Emilia, since she wanted proof of his existence. Brian and Steven. Steven. We wanted to do something and I kind of wanted to get out of the house so we got into my car and drove to the tattoo parlor, but it was closed. Damn, I couldn't get an estimate or even snap a shot at what I was thinking about getting. So we drove back to my place and fooled around on the net, Steven introduced Brian and myself to Super Greg and re-acquainted us with NewGrounds. But he had to leave at 10:30 PM, his parting words were that if anyone confronted me about me being on FMC last night or giving my password to someone else to just deny it, and I just laughed to myself based on what I read in Emilia's journal. He had logged on using my account, because I had given him the password months earlier when I felt like I'd never even bother going back there, and caused some sort of commotion. Whatever. Shortly after everyone had vanished I got an IM on Yahoo! from someone with a name that seemed to be very fake and opened vaguely with a "Hey..." I replied but waited for the spam to start "For hot teen on teen action"...you know what I'm talking about, but she was a real person she lives a couple miles out of Temecula and we talked about stuff, she seemed pretty cool. I logged off around 11-11:30 PM because I wanted to be well rested for my journey back to Temecula tomorrow morning. But I stayed on that computer until 12:30 updating Windows XP and getting some protection... I went to bed after installing numerous patches and doing a virus scan. I just hope I don't get a call from Bruce asking me what's wrong with his computer. |
| Monday, September 8th, 2003 | |
| 10:00 pm | My voyages on the seas of asphalt, part one Woke up at roughly 5 AM and for the life of me I couldn't get back to sleep. I laid in bed for at least an hour waiting for sleep to come, but finally sometime around 6 I gave and turned on the computer to see if there was anyone online to chat with or at least do something to pass the time. No one was online and there was nothing to do, so I wrote in my journal about my departure. And looked where I had left off on "Chaos" so many months ago and tried to work on it, but lost interest and packed my bag with clothing and when I was done with that I went downstairs and watched television, I wound up watching a trial on CourtTV. Whenever it was my mom woke up and stumbled down the stairs I asked her if I could have some breakfast and she asked me to go out to breakfast with her again, but this time at Richie's Diner rather than IHOP. I really don't understand why she keeps taking me out to breakfast, it's either because I am up at that hour or because she's trying to communicate with me. But I doubt that it has anything to do with communication because we barely even spoke. After breakfast we got back on SR-79 and she noticed a job fair banner and told me to go by there before I left town. So I got home and began loading everything into the car it was around 10 AM when I finally decided to leave, I went to the tent with the job fair banner above it, it was for Wal Mart and it was nothing they just gave me an application and told me to drop it off at the EDD, but since it was only an application I wasn't to enthused or too motivated to fill it out and rush it to them so I got back on the 79 and got onto the 15, about halfway between the Indio/SR-79 exit and the Rancho California exit I realized that I had forgotten to pack my basses. So I exited Rancho California and turned around and cursed myself for being so stupid and thought maybe it's because I was getting tired that I forgot and that maybe I should just go home and crash and then begin driving when I woke up the next time, but I scratched that idea because the guys were depending on me to be there that afternoon. Stupid images of their eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree when they saw me, an old friend, up for a visit- for them kept popping into my head. When I turned right onto Margarita I noticed a red Focus had begun following me and I didn't really think anything of it because there are tons of Focuses on the road today, but it was kind of following my route and at the stoplight for Redhawk Parkway/Vail Ranch Parkway I noticed it was my mom, and continued on home but couldn't help but wondering if she was trying to follow me to tell me something, like I had forgotten something or maybe I had an interview. But no, when I got inside I noticed the note that said she had gone to the store. I thought it was kind of odd she knew I would be back, I got my basses and put them in the trunk and came back inside because she had something to say. She just said that my dad wanted me to call before I took off so he could get an idea of when I'd be arriving. Since I was already home it was of no use to wait until I returned I filled out the application for Wal Mart, called my dad and took off. I went to the EDD and dropped off the application but they told me to sit outside and wait for an interview, I just took a step back and thought to myself "What the hell?" within a minute or two this woman Tammy had called me in for the first interview, mainly just went over the application to make sure all the information was correct and then passed me over to Randy and his interview was more of an interview he asked me questions about my references, what they would say about me if asked, why I should work for Wal Mart and all this other stuff when I was through with that he sat me down at a table to fill out some paper and a survey. When I had finished that I gave them to Tammy and was on my way, by this time it was 12 PM and I felt a bit like the White Rabbit, "I'm late, I'm late for a very important date" I got onto the 15 and thus began my journey. Static-X / Wisconsin Death Trip Transfer to the 91 to the 71 to the 57... Sepultura / Beneath The Remains From the 57 to the 210 to the 5... Type O Negative / Slow, Deep And Hard From I-5 to the 41... Soilwork / Figure Number Five I got in town at 4 PM. That's right four in the afternoon, not five or six like I should have. Four! I dominated that trip and all the roads I travelled on. I only had a few near-death experiences, like on the 41 when I attempted to pass a semi but had to give up half way though because another semi was coming on the other side. First thing I noticed when I walked in the door was a computer in the living room, I looked to my left to where the dining room used to be which had now become some sort of office with a desk, a telephone and papers strewn about. I walked over to the telephone and noted the stale red "1" I pushed play thinking I was important and that someone wanted to get in touch with me, but it was just an old message from my sister, Reanna, trying to get Noel to say "Hello" to Bruce. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the telephone and dialed Sean's number... "Please record a message", then dialed Brian/Steven's and all I got was a triple beep indicating that I should enter my telephone number so they can be paged. I tried Sean's again, still no response, I hung up and wandered into the living room to further investigate this computer. It was a Dell desktop with DSL and couldn't help but think that my LJ entry was now all just a forgery as I let the computer boot up. Once it was finished I attempted to log on to the internet but it kept bugging me for a password and so I just gave up since Bruce has his DSL password protected. I shut it down and took a seat on the couch in the family room and turned on the television, it was on The Outdoor Channel (go figure) and the show was Team Fitzgerald Outdoors I didn't change the channel but continued to watch in awe as this guy prepared a meal for himself on the tailgate of his truck then wrapped it in aluminum foil and put it right next to the engine and decided to drive around for an hour to let it cook then take it out and eat it. It just was so out there and this guy, Dan Fitzgerald, looked really ratty and it was just weird, it was like Martha Stewart Living as hosted by Charles Manson. Sean called me at 4:25 PM and asked me when I got in and told him I got in at 4, he gave me some excuse why he didn't pick up the phone but I didn't catch it. Well he showed up at my door a couple minutes later wearing a shawl and told me the neighbors gave him weird looks while he was walking down the street. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he want to see if he could find an album for a band called "Kashmir" and so we made our way to Hanford, but first we had to stop at his house because he forgot his wallet, while he was inside I snapped this shot. So Hanford bound with Carnivore's Carnivore pumping out the speakers. During one of the breaks in "Predator" Sean notices the squeals of what seem to be pigs and he asks me "Are those are pigs?" I tell him no, that they are actually human cattle. More questions come with "Carnivore" "Are we're listening to porno music?" because he hears all the moaning, and I tell him no right as Peter Steele belts out "I LOVE TO EAT PUSSY!" I couldn't help but grin at the perfect timing. Well we went to Music Trend, and I put all my valuables in the trunk since I can no longer lock the doors of the Buick. I join Sean inside a couple of minutes later and am overcome by the scent of some sort of cleanser when I walk in, it gives me a headache but doesn't stop me from rummaging through the used CD bins for anything good. Sean was unable to find his "Kashmir" but I continued looking around and noticed that they now sold DVDs and walked over to see what they had. Only a few things worth mentioning, such as House Of 1000 Corpses but it was thirty bucks so I told Sean I would pick it up a copy of it when we made our field trip to Fresno for A Perfect Circle and comics, since he hadn't seen it yet. Tucked away, the last shelf and bottom row they had a small cove of used DVDs and amongst the others was Pantera's "3 Vulgar Videos From Hell" it was only 16 bucks so I decided to get it since you would have to pay $35 for a new copy and I looked the disc over and it's as if it hadn't been watched, the case had a small crease, but I could live with that since the DVD was in pristine condition. Sean and I headed back to Lemoore still listening to Carnivore and his inquisitive nature continued as we listened to "God Is Dead". By the third or fourth time Peter bellowed "God is dead" he asked me "What religion are you?" "None... well I guess agnostic if anything." Before going home I made a stop at the cemetery to see if Matt finally had a headstone, he did. I just stood there starring, thinking of so many verses that fit the part of what I was feeling, waiting for him to come up behind me and tell me if wasn't true. All I thought spanned from one thing to another woven together by verses... Confirming the epitaph Written in dust Tainted by memories I confess my hope Recognize my loneliness A dusty stack of photographs Of times I cried Commit the past Into blue flame Acrid smoke cowardly shame Someone drops dead Whom I adore Chalking up my dead friends And loved ones long gone Thinking about my dead friends Whose voices ring on I'm searching for something which can't be found But I'm hoping I still dream of dad Though he died No why Oh god, I miss you I really miss you Everyone I love is dead All dead God damnit And I mean there's more, but I am the only one who really cares- so I will spare those who are reading... I took a couple photographs of his headstone, one, the other. You may notice that they are slightly angled and you cannot view it in it's entirety but that's because I didn't want my shadow cast over his grave in the image. As we walked back to the car I couldn't help but think to myself: had it been there all along and I never noticed it in my constant scouring of where I thought the grave had been when he was buried? Or was it that his parents had recently purchased it? Or could it had have been that I had forsaken my own best friend and just didn't look hard enough? Well...he has a grave now, and I know where it is- so hopefully I'll visit it again. As I turned the key in the ignition I heard the "Star-Spangled Banner" and couldn't help but scoff, I shook my head and wanted to cry... Cruel, cruel fate. I drove back to my house and we sat on the couch with nothing better to do I put in to Pantera DVD and we began to watch "Monsters of Rock in Moscow" got though "Cowboys From Hell" before Bruce came in and I decided to turn it off. Sean called Brian and he was with his fuck-buddy, Carly, so Sean and I just watched TV for awhile, since we had nothing better to do. We watched Happy Gilmore on USA and about thirty minutes into it Brian showed up. Bruce pulled me aside to tell me the password for the DSL. Dear lord mustn't let that one get out... Bruce made tacos for dinner. Sean and Brian went home at 9 or shortly there after and I attempted to connect to the internet and Bruce was like "Oh, it's acting up again because of the satellite-give it a minute." I looked it over and he had a filter attached to the DSL, I laughed to myself and then unplugged it. We restarted the computer and it worked; yeah, I checked my e-mail, read my friend's LiveJournals, and downloaded Trillian. Michelle was on so I talked with her some. But I was getting frustrated that Bruce had not touched the computer one bit, it still had all the default XP settings and all the new computer trash associated with it. But did I do anything to change it? No. Because to him if one thing is missing from the desktop or if AOL doesn't bug the shit out of him on start-up the whole world will fall apart. It just really pissed me off having the loathsome starring back at me so I shut off the computer and went to bed at 10 PM. |
| 8:00 am | To those who care and some who don't: I am travelling north to the central valley. I am not quite sure the point of the journey, I just have some friends who want to see me. I am taking my camera for when I get bored, I'll chase my past much like jimmy. I don't know when I'll be back, so I'll see you whenever I return. Let's all hope for the best, - Brad |
| Saturday, September 6th, 2003 | |
| 4:55 am | Ever wonder if God has call waiting and doesn't wanna click over to listen to you bitch? |
| Thursday, September 4th, 2003 | |
| 12:25 am | I try and I try and I try and I've tried for the last time Whatever I do it's never enough, it's never enough for you Why can't you just be happy for me? For once why can't you just be fucking happy for me? You wanted me to get a job, so I went out and I searched. Today I found one, or at least I thought I did. I was hired, but now I must resign before I even begin "It's not legit, I want you to quit" I guess I can't do anything right I guess that is about right That you are right and I am wrong I took a bath and bathed in blood Hoping to escape you, but what I did wasn't enough Two cat scratches along my left forearm's veins And a one inch gash, a quarter of an inch deep on my shoulder I bled, but not enough I'm still alive, still I cry I went to sleep to escape your scorn From my slumber I was torn Once, twice, thrice. Sleep, I cannot get enough Kept up by regret or was it shame? So here I sit, to write in hope of a release. But it itself is not enough I tried to die, again, but I guess that's just more proof How much a failure I truly am I truly wish this was good-bye, but I know I'll wake in the morning To taste more of your bitter wrath |
| Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003 | |
| 1:55 am | The darkness, the void, the emptiness and everything else inside of me. |
| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003 | |
| 2:25 pm | People like me feel lost and little and ugly and dispensable... I know I'm failing you I know I'm disappointing you It's like every morning I wake up and I fail and I look around and everybody seems to be pulling it off but somehow I can't no matter how hard I try... I'll never be enough. |
| Friday, August 29th, 2003 | |
| 6:00 am | How's the ignorance taste the second time around? To think that there was something to hide Something just for me and no one else to find Maybe it's all just a matter of pride How could I have been so blind? |
| Thursday, August 28th, 2003 | |
| 4:35 pm | Well that just makes my day I was talking to "RayneCloud" and told her that I went to the Free show and proceeded to give her the URL of my images and she's like I've already seen these, they were posted on the KT Board and I was like "Re-he-he-eally?!" And she's like "Yes, she posted the link...It said your name on the page and she told us that you and her would be forced to hunt us down if we stole em..hehe" So I went to the board and checked out the thread and the new post with my URL read "If you steal these, me and brad will be forced to hunt you down. and I know these are waaay better than mine." Very sweet gesture, thanks Tina. And some other guy in response was all like "Awesome fucking pictures!" Damn it feels good to know I'm appreciated. |
| Monday, August 25th, 2003 | |
| 5:30 am | Where to begin for such a wonderful day... I got up at 10:30, not as planned but the earlier the better I suppose. I turn on the computer, print directions and chat for awhile then shower. Then I get everything ready for my adventure, but I am fucking starving so I search the fridge and the pantry for something to eat before I head out. I didn't really want cereal and a sandwich didn't seem to appetizing, but then again neither did Jack And The Box but that's where I ate. Spicy Chicken Jack and a medium Sprite. $5.04. I park it and eat my make-shift breakfast while listening to Tenacious D in the Jack And The Box parking lot. 79 to the 15 to the 91 to the 5 to the 101 exit Sunset BLVD and I am there the Los Angeles House of Blues at 1:45 PM, five hours before doors even open. Waiting in anticipation to see my gods perform. Weird thing is I was stoked out of my mind the days leading up to the show but when I got to the venue it all died down to a hush in the back of my mind (don't get me wrong, I was still excited- but in a more calm and collected manner. Maybe I was in the "zone"). There I am on the curb hours before doors open; not even the band is there yet. Around 2:15 I am joined by three Hispanic guys, never really caught there names- I exchanged with them, but don't really remember the names just the faces. We talked for a long while on what bands we listen to and who we've seen in concert and stuff. The bus gets there and we're all prairie dogging to catch a glimpse of a band member. Josh Silver. They were too afraid to go up and ask him for a picture, not that I cannot blame them. Who's to say he really wants to deal with fans just yet, he could have just woken up. From where he is he waves to us, some while later Peter wanders out and walks around, shakes our hands then sits down next to us and asks us what's up and how we're doing, then asks who we're there to see and we reply Type O Negative to which he replies "You suck!" But who are we to take offense? We're screaming teenybopper Beatles fans passing out left and right behind a guise of testosterone. He glances us all once over and looks at our tees; two of them were wearing Danzig shirts to which he says that Mr. Danzig might be in attendance for the evening. The other was wearing a Type O Negative "Least Worst Of..." tee, I on the other hand was wearing my 1984 Russian Olympics tee-shirt, CCCP on the front, Hammer and Sickle on the back. Oooooh yeah. He turns to me and says "I like your shirt" Peter was sitting not three feet away from any one of us, I was pretty shocked. I couldn't say anything, I was too busy admiring my idol. I was surprised at how green his eyes really were, a really entrancing shade of emerald and at how thick his Brooklyn accent was because you don't really hear it on the albums aside from Origin of the Feces and even then I thought they were playing it up since the whole disc is one long joke. Well someone's wife came over with her child I think it was some guy named Moby, and Peter excused himself and left us with his bass tech and I asked him how he got into being a roadie and he said that he had a band a long time ago that opened for Type O Negative in local shows New York/Jersey area and that on the 2001 tour they had asked him along and then again on this because they couldn't get their regular roadie. Some of the other guys started unloading and he left us to help unload and set up gear. So the four of us sat there in anticipation. Intermediately people would show up but not in great numbers until around six. Then these assholes who made dinner reservations come down and they get in before us, honestly man. WHAT THE FUCK? I'd been waiting there for several hours these people eat in the restaurant and get to cut? That's not the way it works, bub. Some 20+ assholes cut in front of us, when they finally wave us in I race to the floor to find a front row spot. I felt like a pup fighting for his moms milk in a heard of runts, but I got my spot front row center-left. Dino Cazares' new band Skumlove took the stage first, I didn't really care for them, I only really liked one song. There drummer was Chris and Chris is a beast. After Skumlove was Depswa, didn't care too much for them either. Surprisingly enough though neither opening band got that bad of crowd response, it wasn't as terrible as I've seen at other shows. Around 9:15 Type O Negative took the stage, what followed was just simply stunning. Yet another great highlight to my life. Peter's commentary was classic from calling Phil Anselmo a werewolf (Wolf Moon) to saying we were lucky for having security to catch those who were crowd surfing because the last time he did it he landed flat on his face "Look at me! I'm hideous!" I'm seriously so entranced by the entire evening, my love for the band has grown. They played the following songs, but not in this exact order... Unsuccessfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity (I Know You're Fucking Someone Else) Wolf Moon Anesthesia World Coming Down Love You To death Medley Kill All The White People Prelude to Agony (Pain) Christian Woman My Girlfriend's Girlfriend Encore: I Don't Wanna Be Me Black No. 1 And there was so much more, like during Christian Woman when he exclaimed "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!" and flung wine at the audience or in closing when Peter said, "For those of you drinking and driving tonight, don't forget to run over somebody you hate." I stuck around after the show waiting for the roadies to clear the stage and give away goodies and I was rewarded. I walked away with one of Peter's bass strings; it was so excellent when he broke all the strings off of his bass with brute strength. After I left the House of Blues I ran down two blocks to my car to get my camera, low and behold a parking ticket for not having a R7 permit or something to be parked there. That didn't stop me though, I grabbed my gear and trucked it back to the venue, I sat in front of the tour bus for an hour staring at the woman across from me thinking about asking her what she thought of the show, but I didn't I waited in solitude. Then some of the guys who had been waiting with us were kind enough to inform the two of us that Josh was taking pictures and signing stuff at the entrance to the parking lot. We both got up and walked there to see him on the way up I finally asked her, she said she enjoyed it. I had Josh sign the back of my shirt and I got a picture with him, the guy on the far right is Casper he got in my shot because he thought it was his brothers camera, the remaining stragglers got a second wind after seeing Josh. I was determined to meet with every member of the band, while waiting I overheard a conversation saying that Dani Filth had confirmed that Type O Negative and Cradle of Filth would be touring together. I thought that was pretty cool and listened attentively to the rest of their conversation, jumped in every once in awhile. Turns out the guy who said Dani had confirmed the tour was from Australia! He travelled all the way from Australia with his girlfriend to follow Type O Negative and Ozzfest around the U.S. for three weeks. It had cost them about $10,000, I asked him how long they had been saving for the trip and he said about a year, "Y'see I grow these 'plants'" and every three months he earns $3,000+ from his "plants". I hung around this guy for a while because he had a lot to say and I enjoyed hearing every bit of it. His ramblings made me fond and how he spouted about how great America was in comparison to Australia made me grow patriotic I had realized that I had taken several small things for granted. We all continued waiting and waiting... around 3AM Peter stumbles out and everyone crowds around him and he asks if we could possibly move this party 40 meters that way as he pointed towards the tour bus. As we began to crest the hill he set down his bags and Teen Wolf his bass tech came running up asking him if he needed a hand, he said he didn't but Teen Wolf grabbed his bags anyway and took them to the bus. Since we were already so close to the bus he decided he should change his clothes, he disappeared into the van and we all waited for him to come out in the distance I hear drunken ramblings and I head back down and there is Johnny with the guitarist from Danzig, Joey Jordison and some other member of Murder Dolls and Chris of Skumlove. I took a few pictures of Johnny with his eternal date, here's another, we all found ourselves huddled around them and I'm looking around and my eyes lock with Casper's and he's like "Just go up there have him sign your stuff I'll take a picture." I hung down there a while longer because everyone was dependent upon the Brad for getting things signed, I was the only one who had brought a Sharpie. When I was no longer needed I headed back to the bus to see if Peter had come out yet. Nope, but no more than ten minutes later he comes out wearing a Devo shirt and begins signing. He wasn't quite sure how to sign the Australian girl's autograph book, "What is this a recipe book? You want a recipe? How about one for dealing with cheating partners..." I myself don't remember the exact ingredients but I do know that it mainly consists of diazinon, it serves one and is best applied while the cheater is sleeping. Finally the time had come for me to get my turn with Peter, he signed the back of my shirt, and I got two photos with the man. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch where you're pointing that thing!" and "Look at this mug, would you look at this mug?!" Although, other fans had their moments- like the girl I asked for her opinion flaunted her '94 Corvette. Peter looked it up and down and commented that, "The internal combustion engine is the way of the future." Then there was the guy who had Peter sign his shoe, "Aw man, smell this thing!" And then there were all those random photos I shot of Peter: Mugshot anyone? Profile [input: something witty] Peter is a T-1000 I waited around a while longer in hopes of meeting with Kenny. The man is a ninja, far superior to any member of the postal service. Very stealthy and very reclusive. Didn't get to meet with him or have him sign my tee shirt, rather upset about that but I mean I can deal with that since I shook Peter's hand, was complimented by the man, he grab my face (Ha-ha), and my shirt was signed by every other member of the band. Maybe someday I will get Kenny to sign it, until that day... I am putting this fucking shirt, the string, and the ticket in a frame and mounting it on my wall next to the portrait of Peter. I feel fairly confident in saying that I could die in this moment and feel rather complete. It's things like this that make all worth the while to me. And in this moment I'm happy Current Mood:  happy |
| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003 | |
| 2:20 pm | This is love And this is hate This is me While this is you Our philosophy has torn us in two |
| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003 | |
| 12:08 pm | And all is lost And there is nothing you can do I don't know what to say I don't know what to do I must say I feel like such a fool I must attempt to rid the disease Dies irae Dies illa Solvet saeclum in favilla Carpe diem |
| Monday, August 18th, 2003 | |
| 10:57 am | Pawing like at cat at litter to cover up your mistake You've soiled this earth, now you must pay the price with your life You lie You try to hide But in you I must confide You'll surrender in time You'll run to me As always And forever Nevermore |
| Saturday, August 16th, 2003 | |
| 1:45 am | Deep down I just feel hurt and betrayed but I'm not even so sure it's even of concern to you. |
| Tuesday, August 12th, 2003 | |
| 12:51 am | The ivory disc glowing brightly in the night Occasionally hiding behind a veil of darkness The shroud of clouds alludes the eye to something far superior A rainbow reflection across the night sky Brighter than the stars, or even the moon Is this hollow glow, a ring on the cusp of the moon |
| Saturday, August 9th, 2003 | |
| 5:15 pm | There's a numb feeling in my head As if my brain were dead It seems I have no rational All my eyes see are spinning spirals Going round and round No reason can be found |
| Friday, August 8th, 2003 | |
| 1:15 pm | The sands of life are slipping through my hands. |
| Thursday, August 7th, 2003 | |
| 9:25 pm | Racing to the nest, as the sun sinks behind the hills... I never thought about how awkward this all must be to her. Me inviting myself back into her life, I shouldn't be welcome. But she's so kind hearted, there's so much more I could tell her but I'm not quite sure she would understand. I've opened the doorway to a void that is all but familiar to her, me on the other hand... I've taken her back to a place I'm sure she doesn't want to be, a place so vague- I cannot try to explain. She says "thank you" but I'm not so sure she appreciates having to remember all she's forgotten. I feel so guilty. I probably shouldn't have called her, I don't want to be another flameout in her life. I only hope she'll allow me to stay here if it's only a while longer. How she's grown in five years apart. Now a woman, once a girl while here I am in adolescence. I am confused as to why. Maybe it was meant to be, I cannot say for sure. I crushed her unintentionally but it seems both our worlds are coming down, she has a plan and I have an exit. I do this for her because it's all I feel I can do to fill this new found void in her soul. In an instant, torn away. She's different from me, but that's not to say I won't be there for her. I have to, I owe it to her and I owe it to him... I only hope she needs me as much as she needed him. She's gorgeous and strong-just like a princess. What he always knew she was. |
| Wednesday, August 6th, 2003 | |
| 6:35 pm | All the stuff that was supposed to happen today hasn't. |
| Tuesday, August 5th, 2003 | |
| 5:56 pm | Well, the green eyed monster lives... That's good. Seems a whole lot of time has passed in those 5 years we've been out of touch. Kind of odd how I'm always chasing my past. I called her mother's house, she took the message and my number. I guess Rachel has a cell phone, and she's like well did you try her cell phone. "No..." "Do you even have her cell phone number" "No..." "How old of a "friend" are you?" "A couple years?" "Oh, well... then... let me take your number" "All right" |
| 5:42 pm | The rain and my tears are now one in the same. |
| 1:49 pm | It's kind of hard for me to believe that I ever even loved you That I got so distressed over you Knowing what I know now... That this could all be for nothing You little whore What you said was for my eyes only was shared with everyone. If only you truly knew my pain, How much of it all was a charade? God damnit I'm sure you never meant it when you said you loved me. You just liked my compassion and wearing a human being as a ring I would have done practically anything for you, but this cancels out everything I had in mind. You fucking liar! In love and war there ain't no rules |
| 1:11 am | On the outside looking in is my cold and bitter soul. |
| Monday, August 4th, 2003 | |
| 5:07 pm | You recite the words to yourself because you know damn well no one will ever tell you what you want to hear. |
| Sunday, August 3rd, 2003 | |
| 3:30 am | Now my eyes are open I wish I could look away I wish I could just shut it out Given the facts I wish I had never known Another lie? Can it be true? Coming from you Who's to believe? |
| 12:00 am | I need someone, a person to talk to, Someone who'd care, to love Could it be you? Could it be you? |
| Monday, July 28th, 2003 | |
| 5:52 pm | It's funny how fast you learn who your real friends are How quick they are to change, when they have others to appease. Why did they bother inviting us if we weren't welcome? The minority makes no difference, they do not rule. When we squealed the room bellowed with laughter from the majority A few ruin it for everyone? No. Everyone ruined it for us- the few. We should have never returned to that pile of vomit. But I am the dog to blame. Alone I left. |
| Monday, July 14th, 2003 | |
| 9:25 am | I'm at a loss of words, I cannot even begin to explain your own idiocy to you. |
| Thursday, July 10th, 2003 | |
| 1:19 am | "Its a total lie. Everybody needs love. It's just that love happens to be a very frightening thing for me because its the most valuable thing to me. It crushes me when its taken away. Whether its voluntary or involuntary, it still hurts the same way. Actually, maybe voluntary is worse. If a guy is going out with a girl and she takes off, it's somewhat worse than say having a parent die on you. There's no way to get that parent back but you can always harp on the possibility of what I could possibly do to get my partner back? It's easy for someone to become obsessive about that. I would rather not have it in my life. The person who once said, 'It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all' can suck my dick. For you to say that, you have never truly been in love and lost because it is not better. Love is the deadliest addiction in this world. Once it's taken away from you, you will crave it for the rest of your life. People talk about coke and heroin and smoking, just say no to love." - Peter Steele What can I say?! When you're right... You're right! |
| Wednesday, July 9th, 2003 | |
| 1:20 am | I'm waiting for something That something is not coming Therefore I'm waiting for nothing. |
| Tuesday, July 8th, 2003 | |
| 11:30 pm | You'll never see me on the front page No one cares enough to cover me No one even comments Why must I take it to heart? I spill my heart on ever piece Then you spit or tear at them You will never see when you stand on you pedestal You make my passion for violence grow You're so oblivious to the weeping soul Above all things boy, be a man |
| Monday, July 7th, 2003 | |
| 10:30 pm | Vegas. I had set my alarm to go off at 7:30 so I could get up and print directions, coupons, and just mess around on my computer before we left at 9:00, and my mom was to get me up at 8:00 in case my alarm didn't go off or I chose not to get up. Well, I got up at 6:00 for whatever reason I couldn't get back to sleep after an early morning urination break. I blame the sun rising, but I really don't know what it was- could have been anticipation or restlessness, whatever it was I lye in my bed for 45 minutes before I got tired of waiting to fall back asleep. My eyes were burning, teary for whatever reason. Went downstairs for some water, then logged on and forged some coupons for a fireworks stand in Pahrump, they had expired on the 5th- I edited them to expire on the 6th at closing. I figured it couldn't hurt. I took a shower and put on my Vegas attire: Black tee shirt, white dress shirt with blue strips, tan shorts, golf hat, big black tea-shade aviators, and the pipe (the perfect compliment). Before I knew it 8:30 had come and I rushed to my room to fill my bag with clothing: 1 Opeth shirt, 1 Tool shirt, 1 pair of pants, 2 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of underwear, and the Jack beanie. Then I filled a large plastic bag with my toiletries: 1 toothbrush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 stick of deodorant, and my medication. Then I got the call. Josh's mom. "Brad, please don't take Josh" It went on for awhile, some threat was dropped by her, I cannot really recall all of the conversation. I attempted to call Chad, but the line re-connected to Josh's for whatever reason. Marty was calling out Josh's name... I hung up. Then I called Chad and told him not to pick-up Josh as soon as that was uttered call waiting started beeping, it was Josh. "What's up? Are you going?" "Yeah!" "But your mom..." "FUCK MY MOM! Tell Chad to pick me up at Ryan's" Then I switched back to Chad and told him to pick up Josh at Ryan's I hang up and go down to have breakfast, 9:15 I get a collect call from Josh wanting me to pick him up at the park across the street from his house. I grab the keys to the Buick and head to the door, my mom stops me and asks me what I'm doing. "Going to get Josh" "You can't" "Fine, you get him- He's at the park by his house" I take a seat on the couch and watch Short Circuit while I wait When Josh arrives I give him the phone and tell him to call his mom, he goes out back and proceeds to call her. Shortly after Chad and Jansen arrive... Two hours later we leave the house and go to Sav-on for some last minute shopping: 1 disposable camera, 1 pack of cigarettes, and 1 Twelve pack of condoms. Then across the parking lot for some ice at Ralph's since Sav-on was out. I was rushing through the store, couldn't find the damn ice- I stop and ask a clerk where the ice is... To the left of me. God damnit, I felt like an ass. Grabbed a bag and proceeded to check-out the bagging girl was in my Mythology class, I don't think she recognized me... Darted my eyes and mutter 'ey as I headed to the door. She gave me the weirdest look, it was classic... I proceeded to the Sienna where I can see Chad and Jansen laughing through the windshield. I jump in and ask them what's so funny... They wouldn't tell me so I kept prying and they told me it's because I looked like Ernest Hemingway. Whatever. Not as funny as they had made it out to be. Onto the 15 and the Vegas mix was put in the CD player... I must say Elvis' "Viva Las Vegas" got something brewing within me, I really wanted to be in Vegas for whatever reason. Hours and hours on a road with no scenery: vast desolation, cacti, and Joshua trees. So boring, I could help but slip in and out of sleep, I was thrown out of my dreams when Chad slammed on the brakes... some sort of accident ahead... We almost hit the guy in front of us. We all had adrenaline pumping through our veins... We stopped in Baker for food, but every single place was packed at 1:00 in the afternoon, so we got back on the road and pulled off in Yermo at a Jack in the Box and got lunch. By this time the road was getting to me, I was crawling in my skin and wished I was in an asylum bouncing off the walls... 2 more hours. Finally in Vegas. Get to our hotel and attempt to check in, I made reservations over the phone and the credit card number I used to reserve the room had only been used for that not to pay for the room- What the fuck?! I wanted to leap over the counter and beat both of the clerks with a baseball bat, the stupid whore in her blue uniform with her leathered face from her gorgeous Vegas sun. Fuck her. What the hell was their problem: I am Brad Rankin, my mother is Janice Rankin- I have an identification card to prove it, I have her permission to be using her credit card. The list goes on, I call home and wouldn't you know it, she isn't home to give them confirmation. I call Chad over to the desk to see if he's willing to charge the room to his credit card. He was as frustrated as me about the whole mess that is Hampton Inn: Tropicana. No apologies from the clerks, fuck them. Up to our room 368, down one hallway and at the end of a left turn. They were fucking with us. We get in the room reserved for four, 2 people can barely fit on the beds comfortably. Josh turns on the television while we settle in... Chad gets some sort of excitement and wants to head to the strip. We were just on the road for at least seven hours, I didn't want to deal with the people or the heat... they forced me out. Treasure Island, The Mirage, The Venetian, and Fashion Show can all kiss my ass. They reeked of the pitfalls of humanity. That scent of cigarettes, alcohol, air purifiers that don't work and seas of flesh moving back and forth, people losing money left and right. It is 6:00 before I can finally convince Chad to head back to the car so we can get to the show which starts at 7:00. We get there at something like 6:30, and there's a line to the corner on the right of The Huntridge. We are there. "I told you so" I didn't say it, but I felt it inside as I heard Chad and Jansen's doubts about a line reiterating within my skull. The line crept along very slowly as the sun began to set and a desert wind picked up and burnt it's way across my face. We finally got to the front, they patted us down. No metal detectors, they didn't even notice my camera. I am slowly becoming pacified. We get inside the lobby is for food and beverages not merchandise, we head into the darkness- I trip down the first stair. To the left of us as we head down the stairs is the merchandise booth, we venture onward to the right. The back right is where we remain. The venue's acoustics and audio equipment was very nice. Sworn Enemy take the stage and I must say they are on that list of "Worst openers" along with Diecast, Slow Motion Rain, and Unloco. There was a guy in the front row giving the band the finger throughout their set. Beautiful. By the third or fourth song, the band has had enough and start trying to insult him. "Ay, ay... Fuck you!" in their thick Brooklyn accents. The front man dedicated the next song to the guy giving them the finger, some song about faggots and queers-something along those lines... I forget exactly what he had said. Now the guy is jumping up and down saying "fuck you" and flipping them off, I guess this was Sworn Enemy's breaking point because during the break the guitarist attempts to get down into the pit to kick his ass and the security stops him, so they proceed to insult him some more and then the front man goes into a rant on how he had better get used to them because they'll be around for awhile. My ass, they will go out with next weeks trash. I was beginning to give Sworn Enemy the finger when security moved in and removed the guy from the audience, what a rip! He paid to see a decent band, not some third-rate group who barely has a contract. They kicked him out, what a crock. Anyway their set went on and on... terrible, I never thought it would end. Shadows Fall took the stage, a superior group to the torture we had just endured. I didn't know they were from Massachusetts, pretty cool. They don't sound it or look the part. Brian's dreads are seriously long, in the videos they're long... but in person... God damn, he was doing circular head spins and he kept hitting the guitarist to his right and the fans in front of him, they are seriously at least 5 feet long. They played "Thoughts Without Words" I was content, and I learned that Brian isn't the only vocals, the deeper stuff is done by both guitarists... That was disappointing. Chad and I headed to the lobby during Killswitch Engage's set, we didn't want to sit through another shitty set. It was kind of cool out there, this girl approached me with her boyfriend and wanted to take a picture with me- I looked like a friend of theirs back home in Tucson. When I gave a thumbs-up in the photo the boyfriend got really excited because "That was totally something he would have done!" Anyway we waited in the lobby for Cradle of Filth with much anticipation... I had reviewed the day within my head and sincerely hoped Cradle of Filth would make the journey all worth while. Cradle of Filth finally made it to the stage and came out to "A Bruise Upon the Silent Moon" With great fury I began snapping photos, from every possible place I could leaning forward, back, side to side. I really tried to get some good shots of Dani and every time it seemed like a perfect shot and I would prepare to take the shot some asshole would step into my shot. There was only one considerate soul who would duck as he passed me, I never got to thank him... Dani dedicated the second song to everyone who had travelled at least 200 miles to see them that evening. Us. Delightful. Their set was fantastic, they played "Her Ghost in the Fog" which Dani dedicated to all the women in the audience. I had taken at least 190 shots by the encore. I got everyone but Adrian (drummer), which was simply out of the question due to the angle I was taking the shots from. All in all I was fairly content. During the break before the encore I went down to the merchandise booth and bought a tee-shirt, then went over to Josh and Jansen. The encore sucked from there... I had to watch out for these idiot hardcore-punks who were moshing in all the wrong ways. It wasn't even a pit! They would all clear out and in one would go in the circle and do some spinning kicks or punch at the ground or punch to the air, It was quite hilarious watching them make idiots of themselves. The crowd was my only complaint, they were all there to see Sworn Enemy and Killswitch Engage. They should have left after their acts! They just ruined the show for the Cradle of Filth fans in attendance. After the show we headed back to the hotel room, in the car I reviewed the images I had taken and deleted all the bad ones: back of people's heads, people's arms blocking a member of the band, or something of the like. When we got to the hotel and discussed what we were going to do, Josh went to the room. Chad and Jansen wanted to go wander on the strip, I decided to go with them which was my mistake. We went to Excalibur, Luxor, and Mandalay Bay. We went to diner in the Luxor... On the tram to the Mandalay Bay this girl offered for me to take a seat next to her, I didn't take it, some other guy did. Chad and Jansen wouldn't let this go! I am sure she wanted nothing to do with me, she was just being kind. Besides, if she had wanted something of me... I don't know. Didn't seem right. In the Mandalay Bay Jansen got two shots of me messing around. I was tired of walking around, through casinos seeing empty stores, and just doing nothing. I headed back to the hotel, I got there and got to the room started knocking but no one answered... I thought that either Marty had either come for Josh or he had ventured out on his own. I went down to the front desk, checked messages nothing from Josh- I asked the clerk if they would let me into my room, which was out of the question so I took a seat in the lounge where I listened to these two girls ramble on about nothing to a marine. "We are warriors for our nation, but in the afterlife we will be citizens of humanity" something like that. I went back up to the room and started pounding on the door after about 5 minutes of it Josh finally came to the door, he had gone to bed. Convenient. I took a shower and went to bed around 3:30 Jansen and Chad came in and went to bed. In the morning Jansen and Chad talked about what had happened after I left: 4 people offered them chronic and a prostitute propositioned them. Well we gathered our things and checked out, got into the van and were about to take off when I had remembered I dropped my pipe on the floor in the room and didn't remember picking it up... so I went to the front desk and asked for a key so I could look for it, well it wasn't there... went back to the car, I guess I had packed it. We went to the strip to find a breakfast buffet but Jansen and Chad were too hungry to wander for their food so Chad turned around and headed for Jack in the Box, we filled up on gas before we went to get food. After Chad filled the tank some woman came up to him with some bogus story about her car running out of gas... He gave her two bucks. Went through the drive through and then proceeded to the Hoover Dam, nothing too spectacular-definitely wasn't worth the 10 bucks. I would have rather gone to Pahrump to get fireworks...which we never did. I didn't even get to ask my question: "Is this a god dam?" Pretty trite, but I would have found it amusing... Back on the road at 2:00, arrived in California at 7:00... back on that stupid road with unexpected halts, changes in pace, and everything else. It feels like forever when everything looks the same. On the road home Josh entertained himself playing with the unused condoms, he tried to pull one over his head, but that didn't work... He filled two of them to the brim with air, tied them off and pretended they were his breasts. A while later he began experimenting with them and made a condom penis in the fashion a clown would make a balloon animal. We all fell asleep on that lonesome road, except for Chad... he drove onward in the desolation. He has my sympathy because Jansen and Josh fell asleep and I tried to stay awake to keep him company so he wouldn't fall asleep behind the wheel like so many drivers before him. Luck be a lady. Vegas be a bitch. I hate that town, and that's final. |
| Saturday, July 5th, 2003 | |
| 3:00 pm | The Nature of the Beast is Revelation... Today my mother wanted to talk to me, and I didn't really know what to make of it at first because every time she pulls me aside to tell me something it usually isn't something that good. Point and case: Suicide notes, Letters, and Matt's death. Well as it turns out I am a test-tube baby. My mom was artificially inseminated to give birth to my sister and myself because she was desperate to have children. I don't really know what to say, feel, or think. It's not shock and it's not disgust. I am numb to this discovery, quite frankly I don't know what to feel. It should be earth shattering, but it's not... It just helps to confirm so many things in my family life. Definitely explains a lot. Maybe the shock and disgust will cue in later, but now I bask in callousness. Current Mood:  confused |
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