60 Years of Bad Sex

60 Years of Bad Sex

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

History of Beer

[Originally posted on October 15, 2003]

History of Beer

The history of beer is a five-part series documenting... well, the history of beer.

1. The History of Beer
2. The Story of Beer
3. The Brewing of Beer
4. Styles of Beer
5. Beer Today

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Beer is as old as civilization itself. One of the most common and popular of beverages, it is made in every corner of the world. It has a long and fascinating history, from ancient Egypt to medieval monks, to (for a time) being outlawed by the U.S. Constitution. It has been part of the daily ration for people whose lives have been long and hard, as well as the symbol of celebration, recreation, and relaxation. The local tavern has been a refuge and social universe to many.

The simple combination of barley, water, hops, and yeast produces many different styles of beer. The process has several steps, and although it is simple enough that it can be done at home with the right equipment, many people would consider brewing an art.

Beer types range from a pale, sparkling yellow to dark, rich reddish-brown. There is a place and time for each, from tossing back a cheap cold lager on a summer afternoon to sipping a sweet, syrupy Christmas brew on a cold winter night. Beer generates a sense of well-being and enhances conversation. [ed. Yeah, but what if your are an asshole?]

Although ancient, the custom of beer drinking is by no means in danger of extinction. The recent explosion of microbrews has created a new generation of beer connoisseurs, while the less sophisticated will no doubt continue to love it blindly but passionately.

Martinis

Martinis

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. Bust you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle ?
Kang A Roo: Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a joke book for chickens ?
Kang A Roo: A yolk book !

Harv E Roo: What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
Kang A Roo: 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer' !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken ?
Kang A Roo: An egg-splosion !

Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground ?
Kang A Roo: To get to the other side !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?
Kang A Roo: A woolly jumper !

Harv E Roo: What has two legs and flies ?
Kang A Roo: A pig !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus ?
Kang A Roo: A cow that can milk itself !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a sleeping bull ?
Kang A Roo: A bulldozer !

Harv E Roo: Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a dirty double crosser !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Roger Morris

There was a young student from Boston,

Who drove around in an Austen.

There was room for his ass

and a gallon of gas.

But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

Breasts and Trains

Breasts and Trains

Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday ?
Kang A Roo: Eat him on Saturday !

Harv E Roo: Why did the foal cough ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a little horse !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a pig that took a plane ?
Kang A Roo: Swine flu !

Harv E Roo: Why was the farmer hopping mad ?
Kang A Roo: Because someone had trodden on his corn !

Harv E Roo: What's the best way to make a bull sweat ?
Kang A Roo: Put him in a tight jumper !

Harv E Roo: Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep ?
Kang A Roo: She had a crook with her !

Harv E Roo: Why do cows like being told jokes ?
Kang A Roo: Because they like being amoosed !

Harv E Roo: What do you call an arctic cow ?
Kang A Roo: An eskimoo !

Harv E Roo: Why did the pig go to the casino ?
Kang A Roo: To play the slop machine !

Harv E Roo: What is a pigs favorite ballet ?
Kang A Roo: Swine Lake !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By:Al the Pal

There once was a man named McGill,

Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,

He insisted on habits,

involving white rabbits,

and a bird with a flexible bill.

Nashagai Ana

Nashagai Ana

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker. As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all...". He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys. He slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right. The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana." The American says, "What does that mean?" He says, "Wrong hole."

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: Where do you take sick ponies ?
Kang A Roo: To the horsepital !

Harv E Roo: What do you say if you see a flying pig ?
Kang A Roo: 'I see bacon's going up' !

Harv E Roo: Who tells chicken jokes ?
Kang A Roo: Comedihens !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a bull who tells jokes ?
Kang A Roo: Laugh-a-bull !

Harv E Roo: If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have ?
Kang A Roo: Plenty of milk !

Harv E Roo: Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a little gobbler !

Harv E Roo: Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To see Gregory Peck !

Harv E Roo: What kind of tie does a pig wear ?
Kang A Roo: Pig's tie !

Harv E Roo: What is another name for a cow ?
Kang A Roo: A lawn-mooer !

Harv E Roo: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: Because she was afraid someone would caesar !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By:Tom Maguire

There once was a girl named Madonna

To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?"

Warren Beatty said no,

called her a "HO"

Now she cries and smokes marijuana.

Healthy Drinking Tips

Updated: 12.10 1:15am

Shaping Up Your Inner Child
Your girlfriend says it, your parents say it, and everyone at the court-mandated A.A. meetings say it: “You need therapy to discover the deep-seated motivations that make you drink so much.”

If they don’t buy your answer of “My competitive spirit,” then you may feel compelled to seek out and interrogate your inner child. And I’m going to help you.

Why? Because you cannot have a sound body unless you possess a sound mind. They go together like Jack and Coke, like blackouts and bruises.

In the spirit of that fine understanding, I will generously share a secret Swedish regression technique that will enable you to find your inner child and discover what makes you the drunk that you are.

Secrets of the Backa Genom Sprit
It is common knowledge among the village wisemen who live in the shadow of Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain, that it is quite easy to delve inside your psyche using a powerful tool called Backa Genom Sprit. Which roughly translates into Regression Through Drinking.

While this sounds too easy and delightful too be true, I can readily assure you it is a highly effective technique. Ever since I became a practicing Spritist, I’ve had a much better relationship with my family.

What follows is a basic guideline to becoming a Spritist based on someone of average age, weight, and drinking ability. Modify your levels accordingly. It is best to do this alone or with a group of strangers you will never see again.

Level One: Jeff The Juvenile Delinquent
Number of drinks: 1-5
Regressive State: 16-20 years old
Common Behaviors: Rather relaxed, as the stress of the daily grind of your life slips from your shoulders. You may feel the urge to rebel against authority figures.
Common Revelations: Your job sucks, your life sucks and you will never be 17 again.

Level Two: The Hormonal Monster
Number of drinks: 6-10
Regressive State: 10-15 years old
Common Behaviors: Unnecessary hooting. Hitting girls that you are secretly attracted to. Complaining about your mother to strangers.
Common Revelations: You deserved every bruise your momma ever gave you, that she did the best with what she had, and that you now realize that every time you stole drinks from that bottle of peppermint schnapps she kept in her sewing box, you were actually stealing her only source of joy.

Level Three: The Wild Child
Number of drinks: 11-15
Regressive State: 5-9 years old
Common Behaviors: Pointing at people. Ignoring common sense. Poor math skills when trying to remember how many drinks you’ve had. A tendancy to treat women as both mysterious and icky.
Common Revelations: The dreams that you had as a child don’t die when you enter that cubicle. That if John Glenn can be an astronaut at age 70 there’s still time for you. That there’s still time to find that pink princess you used to draw.

Level Four: Harvey The Big Cry Baby
Number of drinks: 16-20
Regressive State: 0-4
Common Behaviors: Drooling. Grabbing breasts. Baby talk. Throwing temper tantrums when your bottle is taken away. Wetting your pants. Falling asleep in odd places.
Common Revelations: That you will forget much of this period, but you will later be haunted by painful feelings of disempowerment and being touched in naughty places.

So now that you know the way of the Spritist, a sect of peaceful Swedish mountain folk who have been quietly harvesting wheat and barley for centuries in pursuit of mental harmony, I hope that you too will be able to find inner peace and be able to create a stronger relationship with your friends and family and most importantly yourself.

Infidelity

From the files of ZooAss...

Infidelity

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get the hell out." "That makes sense." said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'BAD DOG!'"

Oral Care

From the files of ZooAss...

Oral Cure

A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery.

One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's pussy and again she quivered.

Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.

So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."

Shorty's Bar & Grill

A joke from Ms Pam:

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute.”

Internet Pecker

From the files of ZooAss...

Internet Pecker

Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product.

A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang ...

That Pesky Red Riding Hood

From the files of ZooAss...

That Pesky Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red RidingHood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood. Once again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf!", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you leave me the fuck alone? I'm trying to take a shit you dumb bitch!"

No ChurchKey?

32 Ways To Open A Beer

[via Bacon and Ehs]

How Unfortunate

From the files of ZooAss...

How Unfortunate

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Honey, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Texas Talking

[Originally posted on October 16, 2003]

Here in Texas, everything IS bigger and better! We even have own own vocabulary called: Texas Talkin'

Here's what the heck we mean in the Lone Star State...

• The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart


• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person


• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy


• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action


• We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced


• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink


• She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker


• It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice


• Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving


• This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block


• He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y


• They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin


• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told


• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart


• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing