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December 31, 2003
Leslie Clark Tours the South
...and is greeted with about as much enthusiasm as William T. Sherman though, sadly, with much less firepower. NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Gen. Wesley Clark swept through Nashville Tuesday on his "True Grits Tour" of the South, a region where the viability of his campaign for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination may be determined.Consider it determined, Weaselly Clark. Clark has two attributes that should play well in the region: He's an Arkansas native...Always an asset in Tennessee. Except when it isn't. ...and career Army veteran with a stellar military resume.Trying to start WWIII and getting fired for being an incompetent prick, always something that resonates well with voters. But as a Democrat [at least until he decides that he isn't - M.], he has to battle the area's increasing tilt toward the Republican Party in national elections....not to mention the fact that he's a lying, two-faced son-of-a-bitch with less principles than the tip of Klintoon's cigar. Clark tailored his Nashville stump speech to an audience of about 400 people jammed into the Democratic Party headquarters building near the state Capitol.About as many as the DNC could force in there at gunpoint. His Memphis stop Tuesday morning was attended by about 75 people.Most of which were there to see how the hell a semi-sentient animal could stay on its hindlegs for more than 10 minutes straight. He stressed his Southern roots, including a year spent 30 miles east at Castle Heights Military Academy, and the values he learned at home, school and church.Such as changing your opinion on everything (inasmuch as you have one in the first place) every five minutes? Must be Anglican. Clark's southern swing began Monday. It includes scheduled stops in Little Rock, Ark.; Jackson, Miss.; Baton Rouge, La.; New Orleans, Birmingham, Ala.; Pensacola, Fla.; Memphis, Tenn.; Savannah, Ga.; and Charleston, S.C.Two weeks of scheduled breaks to go piss or pick up a fresh cold one from the fridge. Thanks, Weaselly. "The values I learned, I learned in the South," Clark said in Nashville, where he was enthusiastically received in a crowded room.The room that, as previously mentioned, had been crowded by 75 people. We've got outhouses bigger than that around here. Heck, we've got iceboxes bigger than that. He identified those values as patriotism, faith, family and inclusiveness, the last reference a nod to his strategy of stressing support for affirmative action.Sorry, Clarkie, but we gave up racism a long time ago, no matter what you call it. Clark pointed to his service in Vietnam...Fucking great. Another Kerry-clone. ...and decision to stick with a career in the Army,...the same Army that decided not to stick with him, we might add. ...making a tacit contrast to President Bush's military service.We must've missed the part where Bush was kicked out for trying to start WWIII, but then again, we miss a lot of stuff. We're pretty sure that we'd have noticed a whopper THAT size, however. "I don't think patriotism is dressing up in a flight suit and landing on the deck of an aircraft carrier," Clark said, one of several jabs at the president."Patriotism is playing dress-up with a Serbian mass murderer and trying to start a nuclear war over a slab of concrete", he then added. Clark also contended Bush "didn't do everything he could have done to prevent 9/11," but did not specify what the president could or should have done....nor is he expected to, since nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about, least of all himself. Clark said Bush "took us into a war we didn't need that had nothing to do with Osama Bin Laden," and vowed that "When I go to Iraq, it won't be the bask in the reflected glory of our troops or deliver a turkey at midnight" but to settle the conflict and get those troops home.In other words: To surrender. How very french of you, Weaselly. With regard to faith, Clark said he learned a long time ago that more people can preach it than can practice it.No need to tell us THAT. You're a text book example. "All religions have one thing in common. If you are more fortunate you should reach out to people who are less fortunate," he said. "You should not have a hard heart."...because it was the only thing he'd said that made a lick of sense. What in the name of tarnation it had to do with his platform, on the other hand, nobody knows. He said "a lot of people talk about family values" but increased unemployment and larger numbers of Americans without health insurance under the Bush administration are not reflective of an administration that truly values the family.True. It's reflective of a recession that started under the previous President. The one that kicked your ass out of the Army, Weaselly, remember that? Besides, you might want to be a little more up to date on your unemployment numbers. Then again, you probably wouldn't want to. "College tuition is up 28 percent the last three years," he said. "The only people I know whose income is up that much in three years is Halliburton," the corporation Vice President Dick Cheney headed before taking office, which has gotten several large contracts to help rebuild Iraq.Gee, journaljismers, thanks for pointing that out. We were wondering how long it would take for you to drop the H-bomb. Good for you managing to hold it off all the way to the last paragraph. Posted by Misha at 11:55 PM
We're off to a Silly Start
...or we will be, once New Year actually rolls around. As usual, those unilateral New Yorkers have decided to jump the gun and start the celebrations an hour early, when everybody and his long-lost cousin thrice removed knows that the Heart of the Empire is where the REAL New Year arrives. While we're waiting for the boot to drop, let's go over a few of the current headlines: Plane Detained at Dulles Airport Israel Plans 25% Expansion of Its Settlements on Golan US sends new warning to Taiwan over referendum 'Religious principles' leave no room for nuclear weapons, says president [Khatami] Pakistani Leader's New Tactic: Persuasion Mail block to catch EU book bombs Israel to deport Swedish lawmaker: reports 2004 greeted amid grim realities US lifts cash hurdles to aid Iran UN adds $2.6 billion to Iraqi reconstruction fund Plea for Bam rescuers not to fly home Posted by Misha at 11:28 PM
Another Stunning Papal Discovery
(And another blatant rip-off from the superlative Rantburg. At this rate, we may have to start cutting Imperial Royalty Checks to Fred Pruitt) So what happened? Well, the Vatican has come to an astounding realization: PARIS (Reuters) - Too many Islamic countries treat their Christian minorities as second-class citizens and bar them from building churches while Western states let their Muslims build mosques freely, according to a senior Vatican official."Quick, Muhammad! Pack up! It's time to go home. Even the Vatican is on to us now!" Cardinal Jean-Louis Tauran, who recently retired as the Vatican's foreign minister, told the French Catholic daily La Croix Wednesday that Christianity and Islam faced "an enormous task" of learning to live together in mutual tolerance.As always, it is certainly not the fault of Islam alone. After all, it is common knowledge that Muslims all over the world live in perpetual fear of the Anglican Martyrs' Brigades, just to name one of those horrible Christian terror organizations. "There are too many majority Muslim countries where non-Muslims are second-class citizens," said Tauran, the church's top diplomat for 13 years before he had to step aside on being made a cardinal by Pope John Paul in October.Ya think? Isn't that awfully unilateral or even, dare I say, simplisme of you? Next: "Pope Paul Announces That Poking Pointed Sticks in Eyes can Hurt Eyesight" Posted by Misha at 05:15 PM
December 30, 2003
Tell Us, Again, Why There Shouldn't Be A Death Penalty?
Give us one, JUST ONE FUCKING REASON, these worthless pond-scum should continue stealing oxygen from the rest of us. TAMPA - At just 4 months old, when most infants are being coddled by relatives and shown off to neighbors, authorities say Dylan Dankert was suffering. We'll be waiting for your "reason".... F.E.T.E. Posted by at 09:14 PM
Teachers Aiding and Abetting Terror
A conservative student at a high school in the Lunatic People's Socialist Republik of Needless to say, much harrassment and threats follows from his fellow students, aided and abetted actively, and this is what REALLY gets my goat, the supposed "teachers" at the school, a bunch of sniveling, Stalinist fuckweasels that should be publicly hanged for their negligence. And hang they fucking well WOULD, if it were my kids being terrorized like that with the teachers' knowing and blessings. We'd say more, but LC & IB Kimberly Swygert says everything we could possibly think of saying (minus the invective) and then some. [UPDATE: The One and Only Bill Quick has more contact information to those Posted by Misha at 08:13 PM
Castro Has a Make-Over
(Link thanks to LC Valerie) Looks like somebody in Cuba has managed to keep his sense of humor. Apparently humor hasn't been declared state property - yet. The Cuban authorities have launched an inquiry into how the official newspaper of the Communist party ran a front page photograph of Fidel Castro which appeared to have been doctored to make him look like Adolf Hitler.A group of German lawyers are rumored to be preparing to file a defamation suit against the paper. Hitler was never THAT ugly, they claim. When the edition of Granma hit the streets this month party officials began to retrieve as many copies as they could, an operation which appears to have deterred foreign journalists based on the island from reporting the story.Gee, ya think? And how could this happen in a Lovely Worker's Paradise? We mean, they're all about freedom of expression, aren't they? The picture appeared above a story which reported President Fidel Castro's meeting with North AmericanWell, numbers aside, one genocidal maniac socialist looks pretty much like the next one, we suppose, so it can't have been all THAT hard. Underneath banners proclaiming Cuba's opposition to war and terrorism,...something that would come as a huge surprise to rather a large number of Africans, among others. If the Cuban soldiers hadn't killed them all, that is. President Castro is seen in full military uniform, but the world's most famous beard has been replaced by history's most striking moustache, while his grey hair now has the faint hint of a black comb-over.Somebody has a set of cojones to be admired, that's for sure. If he gets the fuck out of Castro's "paradise", he might even get to keep them. Get thee to a raft, my friend, and start rowing like hell. Janet "Let the Little Children go Back to Hell" Reno has been put out of our misery, so you should be safe once you get here. Posted by Misha at 07:58 PM
Hark, the Herald Leader Sings...
In case you're not already doing so, His Majesty would urge you most strongly to read through the comments around here regularly, because if you don't, you'll miss out on some fine writing. And not only that, you'll miss out on Sir George Turner's fine poetry too, an example of which we just have to post out here in the open to let you know just HOW much you're missing. Sir George, the floor is yours: Hark! The Herald Leader sings Posted by Misha at 06:50 PM
Elsewhere in the Empire...
Howard Beanie-propeller is being savaged by his fellow Democrats who, owing to a brief outbreak of sanity, seem to have realized that he's a raving loon off his meds. Howard the Duck naturally responds as any other fearless leader of men would, he runs to teacher (Terry McAuliffe) and begs him to tell the meanies to stop picking on him. The Imperial Armorer has the schoolyard brawl covered. Last we heard, Howie was threatening to tell his daddy, right after mom gets him some milk and cookies, that is. Posted by Misha at 06:14 PM
More Rampant Idiocy at IdiotMedia.com
(Link thanks to LC StumpMan) Yes, we realize that this article practically Fisks itself, but sometimes the temptation to drag one of those morons out from its hidey-hole and expose it to sunlight is just too great. The Racist Tapestry of Lord of the Rings !Funny, because your imagination certainly doesn't seem to be lacking in the blabbering nonsense that follows. However, the fact is that the only people of skin color in the entire three part series of films are all associated with the Dark Lord Sauron, the destruction of the earth and all of its occupants....they also have fangs, claws and pointed ears. A racist attack against people with big teeth, long nails and Vulcans. Mustn't forget Vulcans. Spock would be OUTRAGED! That evil, crypto-Nazi Tolkien! Not to mention the elephant riding mercenaries that resemble the cultures of the Arab world as well as Africa, Persia and East Asia......and the fact that elephants were indigenous to the Southern parts of Tolkien's mythical Middle Earth. Quite committed to realism, that Tolkien fellow. Or maybe it was just coincidence that he didn't have elephants roaming the frozen tundras of the North, who knows? ...and the fact that the Monarch of the land of Rohan, King Théoden a white guy yelled out "You great warriors of the West" in the final part of his speech to rouse the troops into battle in the third film.Well, King Théoden (the white guy) did have issues, but it would appear that he still knew how to use a compass or, at the very least, had a basic notion of directions. It would've seemed somewhat silly for him to shout "great warriors of the East" when that was where Sauron lived. In these times when a homicidal maniac from Texas (the Texas capital punishment policy under Bush)Slurs like that work so much better when you don't write a thesis immediately afterwards to explain what you meant, you know. Just a friendly hint, is all. ...has stolen the American throne...He bloody well hasn't. I'm still sitting on it, thankyouverymuchly, and I'm not about to let some silly usurper from Crawford take away my birthright, no matter how much he won the election. ...and called for a "crusade" against the "evil doers" in nations that white people have been invading, terrorizing, raping and pillaging in for 5000 years with zero provocation,Nope, no provocation at all. Actually, if you'd ever bothered to open an actual history book, you'd note that the actual Crusades, not the one that your fevered mind has thought up in between huffs of glue, were very much a reaction to a provocation, unless you don't consider invasion, pillaging, raping and plundering a "provocation", which you probably don't, as long as it's done by somebody "of skin color". I think we could manage some cultural sensitivity in our popular culture which one must acknowledge has a powerful propaganda affect on the general population that participates in it.We promise to only shoot Muslim Islamonazis with culturally sensitive ammunition in the future. Would it help if we engraved a crescent moon on the bullets? Can you imagine how people of skin color, of Persian, Arab and East Asian ethnic background feel when they come out of these films where all the heroes are white and all the "evil doers" are of dark skin.Most likely not and, it'd be my bet (and a safe one at that) that neither can you, judging by your hysterical screed. You see, I don't look at a slobbering, murdering, monstrous freak of a creature in a friggin' movie and immediately think "black person." You, on the other hand... Boy, you got some serious racist issues there... Being married to an Asian American I watch people disregard my wife everyday while regarding me, simply because of her skin color.Based on what I've read so far, I'm sure that you get more attention simply because you're a loud-mouthed jerk. You could paint yourself with polkadots and it'd be the same thing, I assure you. That, and the fact that it's rare indeed to see an animal capable of walking so perfectly on its hind legs. Being part of a European family that has lived on the North American continent for 400 years I've been lucky enough to gain perspective that when you create an evil character (Uruk-hai) that resembles native Americans as they have done in the Lord of the Rings films a great deal of cultural and racial alienation will occur.Being a complete and utter raving loon who has wasted his life on Noam Chimpsky and whatever other easy-to-pass drivel that caught your fancy in college, more like. I am sure that once the filmmakers read this article......which would be considered "cruel and unusual punishment" in any civilized nation... ...there will be claims that they had to stay true to the story that J. R. R. Tolkien wrote,"...but I don't care, so there!" ...but the fact is, African and Asian cultures have always been a part of the European fabric whose ancient legends and fairy tales gave birth to J. R. R. Tolkien's epic portrayal of the battle between good and evil.That's more than just passing strange. If those Africans and Asians had, indeed, been part of the European fabric, they'd have been referred to as "Europeans", I'd wager, based on the insight that I've been lucky enough to gain from a family dating back a thousand years to when my ancestors were busy sailing longboats to England. And what about the Ancient Picts, a tattooed darker skinned cultured that once dominant in the UK.Africans and Asians, the whole bloody lot of 'em. 'Cept they were tattooed, of course. Oh, and not really Africans. Or Asians, for that matter. But who gives a shit? As someone who has grown up in one of the nation's of the Commonwealth of the British Empire,Canada? Ah, but of course. ...I know for a fact that J. R. R. Tolkien's generation were deeply influenced and thus deeply moved by all those people of skin color that fought alongside white members of the British forces in World War One and World War Two forming lifelong friendships and deep emotional ties....all you have to do is to grow up in Canada, and you'll immediately know for a fact every little detail of the personal and emotional ties of people that lived and died decades before you were even born, eh? Kind of silly when you put it that way, eh? Not that you'd notice, eh? Huh, eh? In fact all Europe's mathematics, reading and writing and technological advancements in transportation and warfare are all based on African and Asian concepts.Up to the Middle Ages, at which point the Arabs got stuck partying like it was forever 799, and Europe left them behind in a cloud of dust. The reason that Western medicine has not advanced to the enlightened technological level as Chinese herbal medicine and why most Western technology is diametrically opposed to all life on this planet, poisoning our air and water and causing widespread disease and death is for the simple fact that the Freemasons and the Church have not yet let go of the death grip they have on each other's throats."Who the fuck needs EEGs, CT scans, MRIs and microsurgery when you can have a cup of Chinese herbal tea instead?" You're welcome to leave, Lloyd, anytime. I have to admit that it comes as a shock to me to learn that it was the Freemasons and the Church that invented space travel, computers and the Internet. Been bloody busy in their lodges and monasteries, haven't they? So what denomination are NASA? Anglican? Catholic? Seventh Day Adventists? Jesuits? Come on, you can tell me. In other words, the enlightened knowledge that the church has attempted to destroy that the Freemasons attempted to save and capitalize on with Western patents has turned into a death struggle that has created destructive technological paradigms here in the West that are now being forced on the populations of the entire earth destabilizing life and bringing with them the pollution of the air and water that once existed only in Christendom.Oh. Silly me. It was the Freemasons that invented them all by their lonesome, while the Church was busy trying to destroy their inventions which, by some weird twist of logic, resulted in the pollution, death and destruction that the rich, clean and unmarred by warfare non-Christian countries all escaped. What color is the sky in your world? Of course there are redeeming images and ideas portrayed in the films such as the Ents protecting the forests by destroying the industrial military complex as well as the fact that white people can be turned to evil to join forces with all the evil dark skinned man flesh eating Orcs and Uruk-hai.Destroying industry and sending us back to live off of our own feces in the forests, along with betraying your own to join the man-eating barbarians are "redeeming features"? Not a surprise, really, not coming from you. It is important to understand that young people are impressionable and influenced by the symbols foisted on them by the popular culture.Yes, we know that. This is why we're dead set against the likes of you twisting history and established literature into politically correct fantasies and forcing them down the throats of young people. Let them read it as it is and then make up their OWN minds. It would not have been that difficult to make a contemporary version of the Lord of the Rings that included the heroic symbols of people of skin color.Nor would it be particularly difficult to take revisionist assnuggets such as yourself and shove you into labor camps. As a matter of fact, the idea sounds more and more alluring. The point WASN'T to create a sanitized, PC version of Tolkien's work, you Stalinist moron. I think J.R.R. Tolkien wouldn't have minded including people of skin color as heros in these films if he were alive today....and I rather think that he'd have fucking well included them in the FIRST place if that'd been his intention. Especially after witnessing the rise of the civil rights movements in both the U.S. and the U.K.. I'm so glad that the Dwarfs, Elves and Hobits finally got their due......because G-d KNOWS that Dwarves, Elves and Hobbits have been some of the most oppressed minorities in modern times. Open a newspaper from anywhere in the world and you find hardly any mention of them at all! ...but unfortunately this was washed away by the lack of heroic images of people of skin color. After watching the Lord of the Rings films I thank the universe and Mother Earth for the Rap/hip-hop culture and the counterbalancing influence the Rap/hip-hop culture has on the youth here in America and around the world....while I curse the fact that sterility ISN'T one of the known side-effects of crack usage, or we wouldn't have to endure idiotic ramblings such as yours. Posted by Misha at 03:54 PM
Devil's Advocates
Via the always excellent Rantburg, we find this al-Ghardiyan article full of legal "scholars" trying their best to give lawyers a bad name (an exercise in redundancy, if ever we saw one) by coming up with legal strategies for defending Saddam. If nothing else, the article serves as a perfect argument as to why Sod'em Insane should never, ever be allowed anywhere near the scumsucking, bereft of all decency amoeba that we call "defense lawyers" in the West. WASHINGTON (AP) - Even Saddam Hussein has legal options. The deposed Iraqi leader could harken back to the trials of Nazi leaders and Japanese commanders after World War II to fight expected charges of genocide and war crimes, claiming he never personally killed anyone or that he had no control over atrocities committed in his name, U.S. defense lawyers and scholars say....and we all know what a resounding success that was, don't we? So successful, in fact, that it became known as "The Nuremberg Defense" and remains a textbook example to this day of how to escape the noose. Or not, as it were. Saddam also might look to the present, and adopt the tactics of deposed Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic. On trial now before a U.N. war crimes tribunal in The Hague, Netherlands, Milosevic has essentially thumbed his nose at the prosecutors and judges and uses the sessions to make windy speeches.A perfect argument as to why Saddam should never be tried by that laughable "court", a.k.a. "The Deposed Mass Murderers' Retirement Home." Not that it's the only argument. There's also the strange "logic" in the EUnuch Swine saying "we won't help depose him, we sure as HELL won't help rebuild Iraq, but dammit if we don't insist that we be allowed to try Saddam now that you've caught him." Have fun trying to make us, you Feckless Fuckweasels. Any trial for Saddam may be a long time off, and it is not clear where or how he will be called to answer for alleged crimes dating back decades. But when the expected trial comes, Saddam can choose from a few basic legal strategies."I'm the lawfully elected President of Iraq, by more than 99% of the vote, dammit! The people LOVE me!" We predict that he won't make it halfway through the first sentence before a well-placed Iraqi rock lands right in the middle of his kisser. That attack will be easier to make if Americans are involved in organizing or underwriting the trial, but a smart defense lawyer would use the same tactic to challenge even a trial conducted wholly by Iraqis, lawyers say....and a "smart defense lawyer" trying that particular brilliant tactic in a country just emerging from decades of rapes, murders and torture at the hands of his client would be even smarter if he represented said client via satellite phone. If not, we strongly suggest that he at least makes sure his life insurance premiums are paid before he opens his mouth. Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark said last week that he would be willing to provide legal counsel to the ousted Iraqi leader if he requested assistance.No surprise there. That scumweasel fucknozzle would represent Adolf Hitler himself if given the chance, right after dropping to his knees and fellating the syphilitic Austrian paper hanger for six hours straight. Clark was attorney general under President Johnson and is a staunch anti-war advocate who has met with Saddam on several occasions in the past decade.Well... He can skip six hours of "work" then, since it looks like he's already performed that part of his "duties" to the murdering son-of-a-goat. Another strategy would be for Saddam to plead insanity or infirmity to try to head off a trial altogether, although lawyers say that seems unlikely.Insane, maybe, though that hardly seems to be pertinent to the case at hand. As to infirmity, he certainly was well enough to skip from septic tank to septic tank for months, and we DID give him a full medical when we dragged his skanky ass out of the last one. Assuming there is a trial, Saddam could claim he committed no crimes, or that his actions were justified to put down insurrection or defend his country....or he could claim that the voices made him do it. Next. Or, as in the trials arising from World War II, Saddam could try to shift the blame or turn the tables on his accusers.Good. Now all that Sod'em and his butt-boy Clark have to do is to find an affidavit stating that it's common practice in the U.S. to gouge toddlers' eyes out with spoons, raping pre-teens, gassing villages and feeding people to plastic shredders, to name a few. In Saddam's case, he could claim Western countries including the United States willingly sold him weaponry and chemicals, and turned a blind eye to the consequences.This wouldn't really work unless Sod'em was to be tried by the Russians, now would it? After all, WE didn't supply Sod'em with about 60% of his weapons, unless it's standard procedure for us to stamp our products with Cyrillic characters. But if he WAS to try bringing it up anyway, he probably wouldn't get to say much before somebody found him in his cell with a piece of Russian piano wire decoratively applied around his neck. ``He could try to leverage that, saying, 'You gave me the weapons, did you expect I wouldn't use them?''' University of Denver law professor Robert Hardaway, who favors a Nuremberg-style tribunal for Saddam, said in one of several recent interviews with legal experts.Pity the professor never seems to have read a book outside of his specialty. Saddam might head off some charges, or at least make pursuing them uncomfortable, by pointing fingers at U.S. government figures or companies that had dealings with Iraq, said Douglass Cassel, director of the Center for International Human Rights at Northwestern University School of Law....and we're sure that all charges against Sod'em would be summarily dismissed once the killer argument that Rummy once shook hands with the leader of a foreign country to which he was sent on official business is brought up. Listen, you Moonbat Misfit: It may impress the likes of you (much like shiny objects tend to do), but it won't fly very far with anybody equipped with a brain. Saddam also could challenge the evidence against him, arguing that the paper trail showing his culpability is weak and witnesses unreliable, lawyers said. He could exploit any forensic lapses in the documentation of mass graves or other evidence of murder."Those hundreds of thousands of bodies buried in mass graves? Circumstantial, never happened." We're perfectly well aware of the fact that the O.J. trials, among others, have done a good job of convincing the general public that you can get away with anything, including murder, but Sod'em isn't going to be tried by a bunch of Fruits, Flakes and Nuts from the People's Socialist Republik of Kalifornicate. ``Then, there is everything from denial that these things happened to 'I didn't know my underlings were performing these atrocities,''' said Donna E. Arzt, a Syracuse University law professor who assisted the prosecutor in a special war crimes court in Sierra Leone.One would think that there was some sort of a lesson in that last sentence. A Gold Star to the first Idiotarian who actually spots it. ``One very reasonable possibility for Saddam is the I-wasn't-really-in-charge defense,'' said Paul Rosenzweig, a scholar at the conservative Heritage Foundation who has written about past war crimes trials.It was "rejected on both factual and philosophical levels", and "Saddam would probably have no luck with it either", yet it remains a "very reasonable possibility" for Sod'em, Mr. Rosenzweig? Jesus effin' Christ, do you even LISTEN to yourself? Still, Saddam has nothing to lose by putting on a vigorous defense. He's not likely to win his freedom, but he could save his life.Keep dreaming. Your idol isn't going to escape this one, no matter how much you hope and pray that he will, and when we're done trying and executing him, we should do the same to his defense lawyer. Pour encourager les autres. Posted by Misha at 10:11 AM
Religion of Peace (My Ass) Watch
Via MEMRI (and the Imperial Torturer), we're alerted to this Dec. 26 update from the "Religion of Peace" and their preachers. Sobering stuff, really, though precious few surprises are to be found there (unless you're an Idiotarian or a mosque-licking President that shall remain nameless). The following report consists of Palestinian sermons from 2000-2003. Each Khatib (preacher) is a paid employee of the Palestinian Authority (PA). The sermons are broadcast live every Friday at noon from mosques under control of the PA and are shown on PA television....just in case anybody should feel tempted to drag out the old "just a few addled fanatics"-meme. Read the rest, then tell me why I, or anybody else, should buy into the "Religion of Peace"-lie. "A few fanatics", my ass. Posted by Misha at 07:55 AM
Better Nate Than Lever
It is with great joy and pride that we (belatedly) announce the 2nd Blogiversary of the Dark Lord of the Southeast, Acidman. For two years now, the Lord of Corrosion has been rumbling mightily and, thank heavens, it looks like there are no signs of it stopping. Happy Blogiversary, Lord Acidman. There'd better be some brewskis left when we get over there too :) Posted by Misha at 07:53 AM
Awfully Quiet Around Here
It's the holiday snooze, I suppose. At any rate, we're still here, we're just not writing a lot of posts currently, which seems to be the case all over the BlogoSphere. We'll get back up to speed, we're sure. In the meantime, here's a new blog that you might want to look into while you're surfing for content. Welcome to the Dept. of Entertainment & Satire, Iowahawk. [UPDATE: Or how 'bout this one, "Tomfoolery of the Highest Order", which can be found in the Dept. of Domestic Affairs from now on.] Posted by Misha at 07:52 AM
December 28, 2003
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!!
Whoever said that Christmas comes but once a year has just been proven wrong. Her Imperial Highness, the Duchess Rachel Lucas, has announced that she might start blogging again! Champagne is on the Imperial Tab for the rest of the night! Posted by Misha at 06:53 PM
Howard the Duck Sticks His Head Up His Ass Again
(Link thanks to LC Ms. Heather) You know what? It's getting increasingly hard for His Imperial Majesty to despise Howard the Fuckup from Vermont when he keeps on sticking his feet in his mouth like this. (And here's a link to the Concord Monitor story for all of you trolls getting ready to moan and whine about Newsmax). We're beginning to feel sorry for the dumb fuck. Apparently the Vapid Thimblebrain from Vermont isn't quite sure that Osama bin Liner is all that guilty, and has decided to withhold judgment until after a proper jury trial. In an interview published Friday morning, Dean told the Concord Monitor, "I still have this old-fashioned notion that even with people like Osama, who is very likely to be found guilty, we should do our best not to, in positions of executive power, not to prejudge jury trials."Never mind the bin Liner's public boasts about his mass murder, these are all circumstantial to Howard the Duck, the drooling lackwit who pretends to be a serious contender for Commander-in-Chief of this country. Heck, he's not even sure that Osama should be executed if he's ever captured (which he won't be, having been quite dead for quite some time by now). "I do think if you're running for president, or if you are president, it's best to say that the full range of penalties should be available," the Vermont Democrat added. "But it's not so great to prejudge the judicial system."Always fair and open-minded, that Howard the Fuck. Well, except when he's busy spreading rumors that the sitting President knew all about 9/11 beforehand, yet refused to do anything about it, of course, but that's just a minor piffling detail, isn't it? Then later on, in a true Howard the Flip-Flop Moment™, presumably after his handlers had pulled his feet out of his mouth and put his strait jacket back on, he decided that that wasn't what he said at all: Hours later, Dean's campaign was in frantic damage control mode, with the candidate issuing a full retraction of his earlier statement to the Associated Press."Don't like my views? I got other ones, you know." In related news, the same Howard the Twit who earlier insisted that those knuckle-dragging Southerners should stop deciding who to vote for over minor issues such as "G-d, guns and gays", has now decided that he'll become Born Again in time for his stumping speeches in the South. MANCHESTER, N.H. -- Presidential contender Howard B. Dean, who has said little about religion while campaigning except to emphasize the separation of church and state, described himself in an interview with the Globe as a committed believer in Jesus Christ and said he expects to increasingly include references to Jesus and God in his speeches as he stumps in the South.It is increasingly unclear whether or not the former Governor of Ben and Jerry's will have figured out what he actually means in time for the general election of '04. Even more unclear is whether or not anybody will give a good shit by then. Well, we shouldn't complain. Considering how many checks we of the VRWC have cut for Howard the Flip-Flop by now to keep him in the race, we should be grateful that he's doing such a great job for us. Personally we can't wait for Howard the Clinically Insane to come out and promise to repeal the Law of Gravity as soon as Bush says that he's in favor of it. Posted by Misha at 06:48 PM
Cloroxing the Gene Pool
...well, not quite, but not for lack of trying. (Thanks to Imperial Correspondent Oki and the Imperial Blogma Donna) Fri December 26, 2003 11:13 AM ETGee, who could've possibly seen that coming? Here's a hint to you terror-loving supporters of baby killers: You try and kick in MY front door to let the muggers in and I guaran-double-damn-tee you that you won't end up merely wounded. ...and if you oozing heaps of camel feces masquerading as humans would stop creeping into Israel to blow up buses and restaurants, Israel wouldn't need a wall to keep you out. A U.S.-backed "road map" peace plan that both sides endorsed calls for a viable "Palestinian" state in the West Bank and Gaza....and, in order to be "viable", such a state would have to stop shredding babies with nail bombs. Until that happens, Colon Bowel can take his "Roadmap to Birkenau" and shove it up his fat ass, as far as I'm concerned. "We began cutting the fence and shaking it. The Israeli army was waiting for us and shot live bullets directly at us," Liad Kantorowicz, one of the Israeli protesters who described themselves as anarchists, told Reuters."All we were doing was breaking down a barrier meant to protect Israel, and those mean soldiers started firing at us!" Cry me a river, you traitorous son of a two-bit, syphilitic whore. By the way: If the IDF had been "firing directly" at you, you stinking chancre on the sphincter of humanity, you wouldn't be giving this interview. Kantorowicz said the Israeli man, from a kibbutz (collective farm), took a bullet in his knee and was undergoing surgery. She said an unidentified foreign protester was shot in the shoulder.Can't have been Moshe and Shlomo then. They'd never miss a plump, juicy target like that. We suggest that the IDF starts working on their marksmanship skills so that we won't have unfortunate misses like that in the future. Posted by Misha at 01:36 PM
December 27, 2003
Smoting Them With A Mighty Pen (Or Keyboard, In This Case.)
If there is only one "End of the Year" column that you read, it should be this one by Brent Bozell III, in the opinion of the Imperial He wields the ClueBat™ with Ruth's power and Williams' sweetness. We'll give you a sweet little tidbit, but you MUST go read it in its entirety. But for intense idiocy, it doesn’t get any better than Charles Pierce, who won the Quote of the Year hands down with this achingly perverse Chappaquiddick sentence in the Boston Globe Magazine: "If she had lived, Mary Jo Kopechne would be 62 years old. Through his tireless work as a legislator, Edward Kennedy would have brought comfort to her in her old age." Please go away, Mr. Pierce. Kennedy couldn’t even bring her a life jacket. F.E.T.E. Posted by at 04:27 PM
Honoring Our Heroes, Texas Style
This is something that I wanted to make a post about a long time ago, when LC Cannoncocker mailed me the pictures. Somehow I forgot, for which I'm truly sorry. Well, here it is, in the form of a link that I found at the Imperial Armorer's Excellent Site. While the Sidewalk-Puking Batshit Brigades are "supporting" our soldiers by urging them to shoot their officers, REAL Americans are busy honoring our fallen heroes like this. Oh, and while we're on the subject of the Imperial Armorer: He's got a post that you really MUST read if you're one of the reservists who've been "loop-holed" out of a job by a, shall we say, "less than patriotic" employer (or puling, fuckheaded asscrust, as we like to refer to the bastards). We have some personal suggestions as to what should be done to employers like that but, unlike the Imperial Armorer's suggestions, ours don't exactly pass legal muster. Unfortunately. Posted by Misha at 02:21 PM
New Blog Showcase Vote of the Week
(Reposted by request, since last week's vote got screwed up) Before we allow ourself to forget, here's this week's Imperial Vote in the New Blog Showcase. And the winner is... Pragmatic Conservatism for the post "Bush, Saddam, and Howard Dean". Posted by Misha at 01:21 PM
December 26, 2003
So, Why Didn't You Go BEFORE The War?
Yeah, yeah, yeah........ we know... "All we are saaaaaaaaying, is give peace a chaaaaaance......" Couple Bound For Baghdad To `Take Risks For Peace' How quaint. And just what are they going to doing while taking these "risks" over there?
Their goal: help reunite Iraqis with Uh-huh. They also will document human-rights violations and offer humanitarian assistance to displaced citizens. Like we asked in the title... "WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHILE SOD'EM INSANE AND HIS DEMONIC SEMEN-SPAWN, ROOM & TEMPERATURE, WERE IN POWER?!" We're sure they mean well, but deluded, well-intentioned Idiotarians of any stripe need to just stay the hell out of the way and let the adults take care of business. F.E.T.E. Note: We're not sure how long the link will be good for, so we'll put the entire article in the "Give us more Caesar" section below. TAMPA - As families celebrate Christmas today in churches, at dinner tables and around brightly decorated trees, Rose and Haven Whiteside will be flying toward Bethlehem, where Jesus was born. Posted by at 02:24 PM
So THAT'S What Happened to Osama bin Liner
Well, maybe not, but you owe it to yourselves to go read the Imperial Blogson Jay's creative adaptation of one of our all-time favorite Monty Python sketches. Just, you know, don't have anything in your mouthes when you do so. You know, drink alert and all that. SERIOUS drink alert! Posted by Misha at 12:56 PM
Another Paleswinian Head Cheese Meets His 72 Raisins
It's time to dig out the Imperial Credit Card and start spending like there's no tomorrow again, for the IDF has managed to clip another baby-killing scumbag. The head of the Islamic Jihad's military wing in the Gaza Strip, Makled Hamid, was killed Thursday evening, along with four other Palestinians, in an Israeli missile strike in Gaza City, militants said.That's another three dead terrorists ready to be nailed to the Imperial Scoreboard. It was the first air strike of its type in more than two months. Israel Defense Forces spokesman Capt. Jacob Dallal described Hamid as a "ticking bomb," and said Hamid "was behind a long, long list of terror attacks, and he was in the midst of planning a major attack."Unfortunately for him, the IDF had other plans, and the human bomb ticked its final tock, turned into an artistic pink mist and spread all over his surroundings. But wait, there's more: Israeli soldiers killed a Palestinian armed with a bomb near a settlement in the central Gaza Strip early Thursday, a military source said.A pity they didn't hit the bomb, as that usually saves the IDF the trouble of rounding up a burial detail, and you just can't leave the carcasses of those paleswinian baby shredders out in the open. Even the vultures won't touch them. And finally, in Gaza, there's been some house-cleaning too: Nine Palestinians were killed during an Israeli military raid this week, during exchanges of fire when IDF forces searched for openings to weapons-smuggling tunnels in the southern Gaza town of Rafah.That's another five plus one unconfirmed. You never know with the PA "police", but unconfirmed ones don't count. We gotta play fair here. All in all, not a bad week, so get those pizza pies out of the oven and off to our friends of the IDF. Good job! [UPDATE: And another "Good Job!" goes out to LC & Imperial Blogmama Donna as well as LC CheezNCrackers for doing their bit to close The Dread Pizza Gap™] Posted by Misha at 12:41 PM
Sad News
We interrupt our regular broadcasting to send our support to the people of Iran who have just been hit by a natural disaster of horrid proportions, costing tens of thousands of lives. Not only do you have to deal with the oppressive regime of the Mad Mullahs and their continued violations of your rights as human beings, now you also have to deal with this. Our prayers go out to you, prayers that you make it through these incredibly trying times along with our continued prayers that we may all soon see a free Iran.  Posted by Misha at 12:27 PM
Back From the Dead
OK, enough of this holiday hiating already, there are rants to be written and invective to be flung, dammit. Of course, the task would be so much easier if the news weren't so damn slow these days. Not that there's a shortage of Idiotarians preening themselves, there never is, but there is only so much you can do to hammer home the same point over and over again. On the other hand, if His Imperial Majesty has another slice of turkey or another eggnog, he just might explode, so let's at the very least cover some of the headlines that have polluted the airwaves over the holidays: 1) The Air First off, anybody that were in the least bit surprised to hear that the Flying Frogs were the first to receive the honor of being told to stay the fuck away from Imperial Airspace should go to the back of the class immediately and stay there until they've learned how to spell their own name. That shitty little country has been EUroweenie HQ for terrorism for years, not to mention a very obvious enemy of the United States, and the only surprise here is that we hadn't thrown cancellations in their faces a long time ago. As to their hurt wittle feewings, they can stick them where the sun don't shine. 2) Mad Cow Disease: Get a grip, people, that's all we have to say. You're more likely to win the State Lottery six times in a row than catching anything from your hamburger. We STILL haven't figured out just how the Hades BSC spreads to humans, if it spreads to humans at all, yet that won't stop us from creating a nation-wide state of panic over ONE FUCKING COW. 3) Howard the Ducks Imaginary Veteran Brother: Let's get one thing straight here: Howard the Fuckup's bubba never wore a uniform, as a matter of fact he was as far removed from being a soldier as you could possibly be, being a long-haired, commie fucknozzle with a deep and abiding hatred of his native country. The closest thing he ever got to the military was when he went traipsing all over Southeast Asia, presumably in an attempt to find "evidence" that the REAL soldiers were "evil babykillers". Instead of that and a tenured career as an America-Hating professor, however, he found out the hard way that commies aren't your friends when he got his fool ass killed over there. You go swimming with the sharks, don't be fucking surprised when they bite your dumb noggin off. But that's as may be. His Majesty was a Lefty Lickspittle himself when he was a young'un, and he's grateful that his youthful Idiotarianism didn't get himself killed. It would've been much better if young Charles Dean had just had a learning experience and come home a better man, but that was not to be, sadly. However, what REALLY pisses His Majesty off is shit like this. Kicking REAL soldiers' remains to the back of the line so that a lefty tool's carcass can get home first and be buried with full military honors is not only WRONG, it's fucking DISGRACEFUL, it's a loud slap in the face to all of those who DID serve and who DID give their lives for their country, and if Howard the Fuck thinks that his little string-pulling stunt along with his repeated intimations that his idiot brother ever served anywhere more glorious than behind the counter at Mickey D's is going to help in '04, we predict a REAL learning experience for the Puling Prickhead of Vermont. LC & IB Captain Holly, among many others, agrees. Posted by Misha at 12:05 PM
December 25, 2003
More Yuletide Lightheartedness
Z9 has a bunch of best wishes that should be absolutely PC-proof, and a hoot to read as well. Posted by Misha at 11:17 AM
Operation Bob Hope
Visit with our troops over Christmas and let them know how much you care. No, you don't have to jump in a plane to do so, some of them have blogs. Posted by Misha at 11:07 AM
December 24, 2003
Just a Short Message Here:
His Imperial Majesty, Darth Misha I, wishes all of the citizens of the Empire a: MERRY CHRISTMAS HAPPY HANUKKAH BLESSED YULETIDE HAPPY EID LOVELY KWANZAA... ...and whatever else floats your boat this time of year. Any omissions in the above is due to the fact that the Imperial Councillor for Religious Issues was, er, "decommissioned" last week as a result of a minor theological dispute involving angels, pins and dancing. His "commission" no longer obscures the view over his shoulders, so to speak. Now go eat, feast and be merry and send a loving thought and prayers to our brave men and women all over the world, who are willingly and proudly sacrificing their all so that the rest of us may know peace and freedom. G-d Bless You All, and G-d Bless the United States of America. (And a special Merry Christmas to LC Neil and his lovely missus, who just had an heir and new citizen of the Empire. Bother mother and child are doing great, the father's status remains questionable ;) ) Posted by Misha at 10:46 AM
December 23, 2003
...And a Happy Hanukkah Too
...since it's that time of year. [UPDATE: This post will stay "on top" for the duration to keep it from slipping off the page before every last ONE of the soldiers out there have received some recognition from home. New content will appear below] We've decided to do a special version of Pizza for the IDF and shamelessly plug Michele at A Small Victory's second annual Hanukkah Pizza Drive. Just hit the button below to feed our friends of the IDF:  Also, if you have a link to one of the many charities reaching out to our American men and women far away from their loved ones this Christmas season, please put it in the comments and we'll update accordingly. If they can't be home for the holidays, let's at least try to bring the holidays to THEM. How 'bout this entry from Civilization Calls for starters? Lotsa good soldiers on that list who could use a bit of cheering up over the holidays. Don't just stand there, hop to it! Ask and the Emperor shall receive! Here are some more links that you can use to say thank you to the ones that are manning the wall while the rest of us sleep soundly and safely in our beds. Thanks for the updates, LCs! Want to send a package to one of our soldiers abroad? Any Soldier can help you out there. The list isn't exactly huge, but they're all deserving. Want to help out the families of fallen SpecOps soldiers? The Special Operations Warrior Foundation needs your help. These people gave all, now you have a chance to give some back. Still not enough? Winds of Change has a HUGE list of various ways that you can reach out to troops overseas, our own as WELL as countries from the rest of the Coalition. Posted by Misha at 11:38 PM
And You Thought the Fuckwads of the ACLU Were Bad....
If you thought we would ever start feeling a bit less like taking 95% of lawyers on the face of the Earth and shoot them into the sun, perish the thought. Here is a group that is surely among the few that would welcome Ramsey Clark with open arms. More Than 600 Jordanian Lawyers Have Volunteered to Defend Saddam Hussein Why are we not surprised by this? Oh yeah, they're Arabs AND lawyers. The Arab Lawyer's Union, which comprises members from across the Arab world, is setting up an international team for Saddam's defense, Hussein Mejali told The Associated Press. And we are willing to spare no ordnance to wipe you filthy fucknuggets off the face of the planet, Mejali. Mejali said last week he believed Saddam was unlawfully deposed by coalition forces and unlawfully captured by U.S. troops. He maintains Saddam is Iraq's legitimate president because the U.S.-led occupation has no legality. Looks like he received the DNC talking points paper, too! Probably studied in *spit* France *spit*, also. On Monday, Jordanian lawyer Saleh Armouti said he and French attorney Emmanuel Ludot are trying to obtain American permission to visit Saddam to ask to defend him. Yeah, we'll get right back to you on that, Saleh and Emmanuel. We're kinda busy letting Sod'em enjoy being on the receiving end of his own little toys for a change. Jordanian professional organizations, including the bar association, have long supported Saddam, including during Iraq's 1990 invasion of Kuwait. Sounds about par for the course, when it comes to Bar Associations supporting the continuance of despotic regimes. (Looking over at you DNC-fellators at the ABA.) What, we ask you, could be a more vile, corrupt, putrid gathering than a bunch of goat-raping, camel-felchers who also happen to be LAWYERS?!! Oh yeah, a Hollywood-ISM-MoveOut-Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N-Klintoon fundraiser. Silly us! Time to fuel up the missiles and punch in the launch codes and co-ordinates.......... F.E.T.E. Posted by at 10:22 PM
More Chatter...
In a burst of genius that rivals the cracking of the Enigma code, the Department of Homeland Insecurity reveals the following: Officials at the Department of Homeland Security said intelligence and electronic chatter indicated Usama bin Laden's terror network was hoping to launch strikes on large urban areas...Thanks, Poindexter, we'd have never figgered that one out without your help. Now go back to predicting the trajectories of bricks dropped from an elevation of 6 feet, please. Remember to move your feet this time. Posted by Misha at 11:06 AM
December 22, 2003
Waffle, Waffle, Waffle
More from the U.S. waffling position on the Middle East, a.k.a. "it's OK for terrorists to kill people, as long as the people killed are only Jooooos". Israel's position that even under a settlement freeze, construction can continue in built-up areas of the settlements is not accepted by the US, a US official said Monday.We guess that the shitheels at Foggy Bottom have concluded that any "excess Jooish population" will just have to be "resettled", huh? How very, Eichmannish of you. The official said the Prime Minister's Office understands very clearly that US President George W. Bush expects Sharon to keep his commitment and remove the outposts, just as Sharon would expect Bush to keep his commitments.Given the fact that President Waffle Iron has yet to come up with an actual commitment (or at least one that he's not willing to forget about as soon as an Arafuck sock puppet shows up on the White House dais), that shouldn't be too hard of a "bargain" to keep, should it? He said the US is in discussions with Israel over the security fence, and has scored some "small successes" in altering its route in certain areas in Jerusalem to reduce its impact onHeaven forbid that there should be any impediment to the free movement of terrorists across Israel's borders. He said that while the US does not agree with the planned route of the fence, it does understand the security rationale for the fence....as long as enough holes are left in it to make sure that the paleswinians are free to keep murdering those pesky Joos, of course. Turning to the Palestinian Authority, he said the US is "not happy" there has been no progress in the PA investigation of the terrorist killing of US officials in the Gaza Strip earlier this year.And wudda fucking surprise THAT is, considering that it's the friends of the Joo Hating fuckwits at Foggy Bottom, the terrorists themselves, that are conducting the "investigation". But hey, that's what we've come to expect from Colon Bowel's little henchmen, isn't it? He said the US made it known to the PA at the recent donor's meeting in Rome that progress on this issue will determine whether US aid can continue.One is left to wonder how US aid can continue at all, considering the fact that the paleswinians have been busying themselves with shredding toddlers ever since the Roadmap to Auschwitz was first put on the table. Of course, for anybody to wonder about that, said somebody would have to have believed the President for one fleeting second when he called this "a war on terror", instead of just coming out in the open and calling it "a war on terror (as long as it's not terror against Joos, in which case it's perfectly OK)". Want a reminder of what the paleswinians that we're still supporting the work of are doing? The ones that our President just can't seem to end his love affair with? Well, here it is:  Look at this picture every night before you go to bed, you fucking hypocrite son-of-a-bitch, and enjoy Hell, because you've got your own fucking room there already. Posted by Misha at 11:07 PM
Imperial Endorsement
OK, we cannot hold our cards this close any more. Since it's pretty clear to us that we're not quite ready yet to close the deal and do away with this whole "election" business for good (our fresh legions of Sith still need some training, after all, and the sweat shop making the uniforms is falling behind), we find ourselves in the unenviable position of having to endorse somebody to act as President until we can get this silly "democracy" charade done away with for good. So who do we love (apart from our Imperial Self, that is)? Well, let's just say that the official Imperial Candidate for interim President is none other than: "Because if you gotta have a sock puppet, you might as well have the very best!" Or how 'bout this one?: "He may be an asshole, but he's OUR asshole!" Of course, the mainstay of the Imperial Campaign for Cooper will be: "Vote for Cooper - Because the mines of Kessel are fucking COLD!" Posted by Misha at 10:35 PM
You DO Have Rights, You Know
The Laughing Wolf has a great essay on the differences between being a citizen of a free country and being a serf, brought on by quite a few abuses of power from the ones that think that their power derives from their title, rather than from the consent of the people. I've said this before, and I'll keep repeating myself until every last one of you have it etched in your minds so that it can never be erased. Your rights as citizens are just that, RIGHTS. They're not privileges, they're not the scraps left over from the table of the perpetually powerhungry that you should be ever so grateful for still having, they're your RIGHTS, dammit! This means that when somebody tries to take them away from you, you do not merely have the RIGHT (there's that word again), you have the solemn DUTY to stop it, by ANY AND ALL MEANS NECESSARY. You were BORN with those rights, given to you by your Creator or, if you don't believe in Creators, then by the simple fact that you're a HUMAN, not a SLAVE. Governments cannot GIVE you rights, but they CAN try to take them away. And they will. Power corrupts, and there is not one single example in human history where a right handed over to government has not eventually been abused. This is why you should ever be leery of handing over power, ANY sort of power, to ANYBODY. Ask yourself every time a government asks you to hand over a power to them: "Would I grant this power to my worst enemy? Would I grant this power to, say, an Adolf Hitler?" Because, sooner or later, the power you hand over today for the best of immediate reasons WILL be in the hands of somebody you wouldn't trust with anything. If you still believe that handing over said power, while a bad thing in itself, beats the alternative, then be prepared for having to take it back one day, because no government ever willingly gave up a power, once it'd coerced it out of the people they governed. If you think for a second that any government will ever say "here, we don't need that anymore, have it back", then you SERIOUSLY need to crack open the books and start reading some actual history. This is why the 2nd Amendment is so vitally important. Never trust a government that doesn't rightfully fear for their lives in case they should overstep. And if you live in a country where the government has nothing to fear, you're screwed. Very, very much so. Posted by Misha at 10:04 PM
Yay, More "Victims" of "the Man"!
The ACLU, ever diligent when it comes to digging out imagined wrongs that they can milk for all that it's worth, have managed to find yet another oppressed group they can champion. Which one, you say? Well, poor widdle rich trust funders being "unfairly profiled" during rock-throwing, sidewalk-puking, molotov-flinging extravaganzas, that's who. ... OK, now that you're all done choking yourselves to death with laughter at this the ACLU's latest bout of ridiculosity, you've got to admit one thing: They've finally managed to find an "oppressed victim group" with an actual credit line. Billable hours and all that. Sharp Knife, as he is wont, has more, much more. Put down that cup first, though. Posted by Misha at 06:48 PM
A Helping Hand to france
LC & IB Cato the Youngest has a special 12-step-program, designed to address the particular needs of impotent Gauls. (And no, Viagra isn't mentioned. The frogs' problem isn't getting the little feller to stand to attention, it's not like they've suddenly run out of alluring sheep, it's achieving penetration of anything more resistant than a runny brie). Posted by Misha at 06:37 PM
Return of the Male
James of the VRWC is yet another male who's had it and ain't about to take it anymore. Yes, it's been said before and no, we don't give a shit. It bears repeating, over and over and over again, until the last home-knitted "metrosexual" has been bred out of us. Posted by Misha at 09:59 AM
Osama bin Remix
How many times has His Imperial Majesty told you that Osama's much-publicized "tapes" are no more interesting than remixes of old Vanilla Ice songs? Well, how 'bout a big, generous, steaming helping of I TOLD YOU SO? Advantage: The Dark Side. Posted by Misha at 09:34 AM
We Swear We're Not Making This Up!
(Via the Imperial Linkmaster General) Hootinan has a heart-warming story about a EUnuch doofus (and, redundancy alert, reader of al-Ghardiyan) what fell for one of the numerous Nigerian scams that grace our mailboxes, electronic and otherwise. Now, whereas I might be persuaded to find some sympathy for the simple-minded socialist suckweasel somewhere in the deepest, darkest corners of my cold, black Sith heart, her email achieves Pure Comedy Gold status when she turns around and blames her misfortune on, you guessed it: Bush. Thank G-d for Idiotarians, because if we had to make up shit like that, nobody would believe us. [UPDATE: This is turning out to be the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks to a gentle hint from LC Edmund, we looked into the article mentioned a little bit further, and it turns out that it's not just any Polly that was caught up in her own idiocy, it was the one and only Known Moonbat and Columnist, Polly Toynbee, a bint so fantastically dense that time and space itself curves around her. Couldn't have happened to a nicer person. MUAHAHAHAH!] Posted by Misha at 09:26 AM
Too Little, Too Late
Time Warner is trying to buy back our good favors by endorsing the U.S. soldier as their "Person of the Year". While we DO appreciate the sentiment, some of us also have a memory, and a rather excellent one at that. So, with that in mind, I join Greyhawk in telling Time Warner this: FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON! Posted by Misha at 08:55 AM
"It's Getting Hot In Here, So Take Off All Your Kaffiyehs..."
While the Usual Suspects are busying themselves with babbling about how we're less safe than ever because of our "illegal, unilateral war", the people that actually matter seem to be getting the message. WASHINGTON (AP) -- -- Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has admitted trying to develop weapons of mass destruction but now plans to dismantle all such programs, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair said Friday.Gee... Ain't that just the darndest thang? Just as we're done de-lousing Sod'em Insane after having dragged his flabby carcass out of a septic tank, Moammar decides to change his spots and hand over all of his nasty weapons. What a coinky-dink, no? It's a sad indictment of the body politic in this country when crazed Islamic dictators exhibit more common sense than half of our politicians. Britain and the United States have been talking about the issue with Libya for nine months, Blair said.No, it CAN'T be. Where's the Mythical Arab Street? Where's the outrage? Where's the quagmire that the Socialist Democrats have been staying up late praying for every night? Keep this up and Howard the Duck will have to strap on a Semtex belt himself to make his fond desires of a bloody setback for the nation come true (if he can find one large enough, that is). In the meantime, we'll just sit back and watch the dominoes falling. Posted by Misha at 08:43 AM
December 21, 2003
What Fresh Hell is This?
His Imperial Majesty is not normally one to be in favor of government interference with private business, seeing as how it tends to screw up the businesses and land the taxpayers with the bill, but the business practices of one McWane Inc. make even this Despotic Tyrant sit up and take notice. Leave the running of hard labor camps and mining operations to the correctional arm of the Empire, if you please. Posted by Misha at 01:07 PM
Terror Color Up Again
It would seem that something's spooked Tom Ridge again, or maybe he's just decided that yellow is so last month and that we need a new color in time for Christmas. At any rate, to save you the time of trying to figure out what the heck Tom is talking about (and don't bother asking him, because it's highly doubtful that he knows either), here's an Imperial translation of it all: "Citizens of the Empire. As of today, we've decided to raise the terror alert level to Banana Fudge Sundae with Nuts and an Extra Cherry. We've decided to do this because of unspecified chatter that we don't entirely know what's all about, but it might be dangerous. We urge you to stay extra-super-duper alert with a cherry on top in the coming days, though we can't tell you what you're supposed to stay alert for, nor do we have the faintest clue as to where in the Empire you should stay alert, if at all necessary. We don't mean to freak you out, we just want you to know that we may or may not have heard something that may or may not be a threat that may or may not turn into an attack somewhere on the planet. Or not. Oh, and happy holidays." Posted by Misha at 12:52 PM
One Meeeeeee-llion Served!
...and, hopefully, quite a few annoyed too. Yes, it is a day of much celebration in the Anti-Idiotarian Empire, for somehow we've managed to attract no less than 1,000,000 uniques since we assumed the purple (and then the black, since purple really clashed with our Evil Demeanor). How this could come to pass we really don't know. Never in our wildest imaginations had we thought that our venomous and, at times, incoherent ramblings could ever attract more than a select few, yet here we are, staring in disbelief at the hit counter as it keeps on ticking and ticking. All that we DO know is that we owe a huge thank you to all of you who keep returning because, even though blogging is fun in itself, knowing that all of you enjoy it enough to come back time after time, not to mention all of your contributions to the site over the months, makes it even MORE enjoyable by far. So, with that in mind: Thankyou, thankyou, thankyouver'much! To mark the occasion, the Imperial 8th Fleet, under the command of Admiral Darth Monkeybone, has been dispatched to the moons of Endor where we'll have some fireworks later tonight as we demonstrate the full firepower of the New and Improved Imperial Star Destroyer MkII on a bunch of furry freaks living in tree houses. Posted by Misha at 11:26 AM
December 20, 2003
"If you only knew the power of the Dark Side"
Oh yay, oh joy! Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen and my journey to the Dark Side is complete. By giving in to my anger and unleashing its full fury against the puny Moonbat Alliance, I have attracted the attention of the Sith and am no longer "merely" an Emperor, but a full-fledged Dark Lord, complete with black outfit, intimidating wheeze and Twi'lek dancers in skimpy outfits. Soon my hordes of Imperial Stormtroopers shall end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. Signed, Emperor and Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Misha I (P.S.: First item on the agenda will be to thoroughly Force Choke™ George Lucas until he carries off Jar-Jar Binks and buries him in an unmarked grave, never to be heard of again. Then we'll test our new Battle Station on a certain moon of Endor. Fur flying everywhere, my young padawans, it will be a glorious sight to behold indeed.) (P.P.S.: OK, so this post might seem kinda silly, but the Imperial banner was in dire need of an update and we needed an excuse for the addition.) (P.P.P.S.: I've sent a request to the Sith Council regarding personal appearances. I mean, the breathing mask and the cape are cool, I dig those, but what's up with the mottling of your skin and shit? I mean, if we're supposed to rule the Galaxy and all, wouldn't it help if we tried NOT to look like we'd spent the last two decades of our lives in a leper colony, avoiding sunlight like the plague? How in the name of the deepest, darkest mineshafts of Kessel are we going to win the hearts and minds of the people if we insist on walking around looking like Gnome Chimpsky after a 20 year stay in a septic tank?) Posted by Misha at 04:48 PM
Sir Banagor's Hippie Hunting Tutorial (Cont.)
Our Imperial Paladin has survived the flu (pbuh) and is churning out material at a frightening pace. Once again, we direct you to his invaluable advice for the aspiring Hippie Hunter. Do NOT venture into the lice-infested dens of Hippiedom without familiarizing yourself thoroughly with his writings. (And do NOT familiarize yourself with his writings without first making sure that anything liquid in your household is as far removed from your mouth as humanly possible. This is also known as a "Massive Drink Alert") If you're a hippie, you should immediately jump up and scream "hate crime" at the top of your lungs, because clearly Sir Banagor means every word he writes as an incitement to murder (no satire here, nosirree, it's very VERY serious!) and the FBI, Secret Service, Black Helicopter Squadrons and Men in Black should be informed IMMEDIATELY. They could use a good laugh, after all, and it saves them the trouble of having to manually update their Humorless Loony Moonbat Register™. Oh, and make sure to campaign to delink this hate-mongering right wing nut too, not to mention having somebody issue a fatwah on him. We'd do so ourselves, but we just don't have the contacts to terrorists that you Lefty Moonbats do, so help us out here, willya? Posted by Misha at 03:38 PM
The PETA Asshelmets Are Cruising for a Bruising Again
Thanks to LC & IB Bronson, whose great take on the issue you can read right here, along with too many other LCs to mention (our thanks to all of you), we're alerted to fact that the PETAssholes have decided to try on child abuse as their new tactic in their war on mankind. Animal rights advocates will single out small children at performances of ``The Nutcracker'' in the next few weeks by handing out fliers saying ``Your Mommy Kills Animals'' to youngsters whose mothers are wearing fur.And maybe when the PETAssholes abusing kids in public are confronted by a nail-studded ClueBat brought down hard on their pointed little skulls, they'll realize that having your brains seep through cracks in your skull is a major inconvenience. The fliers include a color drawing of a woman plunging a large bloody knife into the belly of a terrified rabbit. The fliers urge kids to ``ask your mommy how many dead animals she killed to make her fur clothes.Try it on my kids, you Tofu-munching, child abusing freaks of nature, and you'll realize that their daddy is a killer too. Lisa Franzetta, a national coordinator for PETA, said the group will launch its ``fur-ocious'' protest at `Nutcracker' performances in as many as 20 cities across the United States.The "Nutcracker", huh? You sick, twisted suckweasels have no IDEA how appropriate that is going to be. But you'll find out, oh yes, you'll find out *evil snicker*. Franzetta, who is based in California, said yesterday she did not yet know when the protests will begin in Boston, where ``The Nutcracker'' is playing at the Wang Center for the Performing Arts in the Theater District.Abusing children, traumatizing them by calling their parents murderers, creating a backlash? What on earth would give you THAT idea? The ERs in the Boston area had better make sure that they're well-staffed, because, G-d willing, they'll be very very busy stitching up asshelmets in the near future. [UPDATE: Imperial Re-educator of Idiotarians Wind Rider has a few worthwhile suggestions on how to handle those sick bastards.] Posted by Misha at 02:57 PM
'America is a Liberator and not an Occupier...'
That is an excerpt of a quote, brought to you, once again, by the fine folks over at MEMRI. The quote comes from the Saudi columnist, Dr. Muhammad Al-Rasheed , who writes for the Arab News. The Leftists and other assorted anti-American Screeching MoonBats of Idiotaria should have the following excerpts tatooed on the insides of their eyelids with rusty railroad spikes, dipped in muriatic acid. "Beware the march of history or the ides of March, whichever appeals to you. Those who have eyes and ears will learn from the demise of Saddam Hussein and the pathetic pictures shown to the world. Gone are the palaces, the swagger, the mindless ruthlessness, the endless resources of money and men. Nothing is left but a shabby old man, who is now as pathetic as his rise and fall had been tragic and murderous. Need we say more? (Note: There is one line in there that had us scratching our heads, down here in the Imperial F.E.T.E. Posted by at 09:40 AM
Time To Pull 'Em Out & Bring 'Em Home
"......morale is at an all-time low.....""Okay, since the "warriors" are down-in-the-dumps, it's time to pack up the bags and retreat to home base." Sounds like an argument that the MoonBats of Moronico™ would use, in order to get the US to pull the troops out of Ch-Iraq & Crapcanistan, right? If you said "Yep!", you'd be wrong. They're talking about the morale of Catholic priests who're complaining about Cardinal Egan's suspension of more than a dozen priests, since Easter 2002, who have been accused of "varying degrees of abuse" of children. Well, we here in the Imperial After all, the US shouldn't be trying to force "democracy", "capitalism", or "Western mores & values" on the PoorOppressedBrownPeoplesoftheWorld™, right? Well, the Pope shouldn't be trying to force his "mores" and "values" on the same. Fair is fair. *Note: This view is solely (as of press time) the view of Imperial F.E.T.E. Posted by at 07:07 AM
December 19, 2003
Seething in the Casbah
(Via the Imperial Torturer who was too busy and left us holding the Ba'athwater. OK, so that one was a stretch, but the baby had been thrown out and we thought it was time for another horrid pun). The Arab Street (that mythical creature that is supposed to rise any day now according to the Tranzi Idiotarians shitting their britches at the thought of the U.S. defending herself) is too busy seething about being "humiliated" to have time for their massive uprising, it would seem. CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Was he an Arab hero or a dictator?...or was he an insane, murderous fuckwit with a head sixteen times too big for his narrow shoulders? We may never know, but tonight on "The Arab Street Seethes", we'll be investigating this question in depth. This is the question being debated in newspapers in the Middle East and by Arab intellectuals faced with the image of a bearded, bedraggled Saddam Hussein in the hands of American captors.So far, 8 out of 10 household pests seem firm in their opinion that he was little more than breeding ground for lice. Many are asking, too, if Saddam's downfall was a humiliation to the entire Arab world, not just to the ousted Iraqi leader.The parts of the Arab world dreaming of world conquest in the name of Muhammed the Pedophile, to be sure. Unless they have a cunning plan to take over the world through a network of filthy old men hiding in septic tanks, that is. Others say that with Saddam's capture, it's time to drop any expectation that a great hero will unite the Arab world.We refer to these as the sane members of the Arab world. "A new humiliation to Arabs" was the headline on a column this week by Abdel Bari Atwan, editor of the London-based Arabic daily Al-Quds Al-Arabi.We so bad. Heck, we only lose a few thousand innocent civilians to a bunch of murderous Islamofascist goat molesters, and we immediately go on to humiliate their friends? Talk about overreacting. Surely the Arab Street will rise any day now. "It was a shock for us,...welcome to the real world, Ahmed. The one in which hopping around wrapped in bedsheets while taking pot shots at professional soldiers wearing Kevlar and very, very hi-tech weaponry is an exceedingly bad idea. ...and a humiliation to millions of Arabs who saw the TV shots of the Iraqi president being subjected to the humiliating medical checkup.What? Somebody gave him a prostate exam while we weren't looking? Heads will ROLL! We hoped that he would have fought until the end, and fallen as a martyr like his two sons and grandson......hiding in an shithouse while letting the grandson duke it out with the professionals solo? What a noble way to go. Well, if you're an Arab, that is. ...or chose Hitler's end," Atwan wrote, referring to the Nazi leader's suicide.Apparently ol' Sod'em couldn't fit a German shepherd into the septic tank. Arab admiration of Hitler noted. Again. But Atwan was quick to find excuses for Saddam's succumbing to U.S. forces without a shot being fired after he was found in aFinding excuses, a field that Arabs have excelled in for centuries. Not surprising, really, considering that they have all the military prowess of a gun shy frenchman with both eyes pricked out, no arms and a loose sphincter. "We only heard the American version of the story. Maybe they drugged him because if Saddam wanted to surrender this way, he would have ... accepted the many offers to leave power," Atwan wrote.Dammit, they figured it out! What we really did, but don't tell anybody, was to send one of our top secret Zionist spies into Sod'em's septic tank and shoot him full of surrender drugs (that we got from france, where it's mixed with the drinking water) while he was sleeping. Those wily Arabs. Just can't keep a secret from them folks. Instead, he added, Saddam had chosen "to stand up to American arrogance."...with both arms lifted and a "please don't shoot" on his lips. Sounds remarkably french to us. Apparently, many Arabs shared Atwan's view of Saddam's arrest on Saturday as a collective humiliation - and an intentional one.See what we told you? It's just IMPOSSIBLE to keep a secret from those dish towel wearing supersleuths. We sent a quarter of a million men halfway across the globe, just so we could humiliate an unnamed falafel-salesman in Ramallah by sticking a swab in Hussein's kisser. And we thought we were being so subtle. Dammit. Curses, foiled again! YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT WE WANTED TO HUMILIATE YOU FUNDAMENTALIST FUCKNOZZLES! And you know what? It worked, didn't it? In a telephone poll, the popular Arab satellite channel Al-Jazeera asked viewers if showing Saddam being probed by U.S. military doctors was meant to humiliate Arabs. Al-Jazeera said that of the 1,500 people who called in, 97 percent said it was.Heh. Just wait until you see what we have in store for the next humiliation. Do the words "bend over" and "probe" mean anything to you? Don't worry, it will. Kuwaiti columnist Ahmed al-Robei expressed anger at such talk of a hurt afflicting all Arabs. He wrote in the pan-Arab daily Asharq Al-Awsat that the worst thing on Middle East satellite channels since Saddam's arrest was the idea of "humiliation to Arab dignity"Listen to the voice of reason. You don't get to hear that very much out of the sand box. He said he wondered how long Arabs would go on "glorifying oppressors and despots and portraying them as the saviors and leaders of this (Arab) nation, which is handed over from one executioner to another."Well... If you want out of the past, a good first step would be to move out of the 7th century. There is absolutely NOTHING to keep you from becoming strong, proud and glorious again. Except for yourselves, of course, but it IS easier to sit on your donkey and piss and moan than getting off your keister, isn't it? Fouad Ajami, director of Middle East Studies at Johns Hopkins University, said in his 1998 book "The Dream Palace of the Arabs: A Generation's Odyssey" that too many Arab intellectuals prefer invoking Arab unity and anti-Western defiance to dealing with real problems in the Middle East.Another smart guy. Maybe there IS hope after all. The argument over whether Saddam should be praised or criticized has spread across the Arab world, from pan-Arab dailies published in London to newspapers in the Gulf nations....or maybe there isn't. The research has already been done, Sayed the Simpleminded, and the results of it are right here. But hey, it's not like this would be the first mass genocide that you sandworshipping scabs denied ever happened, would it? Nassar praised Saddam for building a large army to defend his country......an army that lasted all of four weeks when faced with a much smaller force operating on extended supply lines under horrible weather conditions. ...and said that without harsh policies Saddam wouldn't have been able to rule Iraq's different ethnic and religious groups.So what's a few thousand children buried alive clutching their dolls and a few hundred thousand adults raped, murdered, mutilated and thrown into plastic shredders? It was all for the common good, don't you see? Saddam's only mistake was invading Kuwait in 1990, Nassar wrote.Skeptics might mention the Iran-Iraq war that made even WWI look well-planned and executed by comparison, but hey, that's just nitpicking, isn't it? In Saudi Arabia, Abdallah Nasser Al-Fawzan, expressed quite another view in the Saudi daily Al-Watan: "We all saw the pictures ... Saddam was miserable, and I, as an Arab, felt humiliation. But my other feelings against Saddam were stronger. He was a paper knight."G-d bless you for making sense, because people like you are the only thing keeping the entire Arab world from becoming one huge, glowing crater. Hopefully the ratio of sane people to hopelessly deluded fuckwits will improve drastically soon, so that we may all put this behind us and move on to a more peaceful world. This is my Christmas wish this year. Posted by Misha at 11:37 PM
Like Father, Like Son
(Via the Imperial Armorer) As we all know, Sod'em Insane's hellspawn, Dixay and Chixay, were snuffed out while crapping their pants in a shithouse, leaving the actual defense of their useless asses to a 14-year-old, a fine example of Islamic courage under fire. It now turns out that their old man outdid them again. You see, his "spider hole" wasn't really a "spider hole" at all. It turns out that the Mother of All Turds had hidden himself in a septic tank. How very appropriate. Posted by Misha at 02:20 PM
December 18, 2003
New "Scientific" Approach
LC & IB John Ray reports on a group of skeptics who've decided to do away with skepticism and decide what's scientifically true based on a vote. Democracy in action, Loyal Citizens. We've been digging around in the Imperial Archives and found a survey from 1903 among leading scientists, stating that a majority were certain that the Wright brothers' contraption would never fly. Based on this information and this fascinating new scientifical principle adopted by "The Skeptical Inquirer", we've decided that aviation is impossible and that you'll just have to find some other means of visiting with your loved ones over the holidays. Those things you see in the sky are nothing but figments of your imagination. Another great day for science. Posted by Misha at 10:36 PM
The Various Strains of Hippiedom
Sir Banagor, the Imperial Paladin, updates his ongoing series on hippie-hunting with a post on the various strains of hippie that can be found out there. A most excellent read, even if we DO highly recommend that you keep anything fluid well away from your mouth while reading it. Posted by Misha at 10:27 PM
And While We're on the Subject of La-La-Land...
...somebody over here is still fantasizing about hordes of FBI agents descending upon the Emperor's head over the "death threats" against Eric BumItch. You know, I did a thought experiment the other day on what not to do when you're being investigated for making death threats. The result: posting a story about "hippy hunting."While we're still awaiting the approach of the Men in Black, called out to defend Ewic the Ghoul's honor (a hard job made harder by having to find any honor to defend in the first place), we're left to ponder what in the name of all that's good and holy gave the Moonbats the idea that the Feds had time to go on a manhunt every time somebody expressed a desire to kick Ewic's ass. They'd never have time for anything else. Of course, we already know the answer. No, it's not that they don't understand satire or hyperbole, nor is it that they don't understand the meaning of the 1st Amendment, though both facts are demonstrably true. The only reason that Loony Lefties firmly believe that the government can be called upon to imprison people willy-nilly for made-up thought crimes is that that's EXACTLY what they'd do, were they ever to gain power. Thankfully, the Nazi left won't ever come to power in this country. At least, if it does, I won't be around to see it. Nor will as many of the National Socialist creeps as I can take with me. Posted by Misha at 09:51 PM
Oh, Puh-LEEEEEZE!
LC Monster Kabasue couldn't resist the temptation to try and lure His Majesty into breaking his own "No Wacko Jacko at Imperial HQ"-rule, and sent us a link to this. Of course, His Majesty's curiosity is as legendary as his rudeness (thank G-d he isn't a cat), so he couldn't resist reading it. After all, reading something isn't the same as posting about it, is it? There we go, down the slippery slope again, but we digress. The article starts out innocuously enough: Michael Jackson last night became a member of the Nation of Islam -Well, pedophilia seems to be right up their prophet's alley, so if he's guilty of the charges brought against him, he should feel right at home. Not very surprising, that. But then the article took a turn for the worse: ...and sources told The Post his religious changeover comes along with a shake-up of his personal staff.Now, Fisking Idiotarians with an IQ below the freezing point of methane is ONE thing, but we most definitely do NOT want to hear about anybody "shaking Wacko Jacko's personal staff"... Into the shredder with that piece of filth... Oh, and the article too. Posted by Misha at 09:17 PM
"al-Qa'eda is Winning!"
(LC Ann asks us to take a gentle look at this outburst of rampant Idiotarianism. Naturally, we're only too happy to comply)  Why al-Qa’eda is winningHis Imperial Majesty, having waded through Barnett's drivel, concludes that this Moonbat is just about as knowledgeable on this issue as a lobotomized lemur. Last month, the sixth since President Bush proclaimed ‘Mission Accomplished’ in Iraq,Actually, he proclaimed it on the flight deck of the "Abraham Lincoln", based on the fact that the crew of that proud ship had - well - accomplished their mission. ...proved the worst so far in terms of American and ‘coalition’ body bags: 81 in all. November was also marked by the bombing of a residential quarter in Riyadh,Another devastating strike against the U.S. Armed Forces, we're sure, considering how almost all of our assets are concentrated in the residential quarters of Saudi cities. ...and by the four Istanbul car-bombs.As despicable and atrocious as this attack was, we still fail to see the connection with the U.S. war effort, unless you really DO believe that our General Staff is plotting in synagogues along with our puppet masters in the Zionist Conspiracy, and you might very well believe just that. Of course, this would mean that you're in sore need of some serious therapy. Or perhaps a condo in the residential quarters of Riyadh. You'd fit right in. In ironic contrast, this was the month dignified with President Bush’s state visit to Britain, complete with his and Blair’s defiant rhetoric about defeating ‘global terror’. All in all, now is surely a good time coolly to re-assess the state of play in this so-called ‘war on terrorism’.Never a bad idea. Based on what is to follow, though, you'd have done even better if you'd taken off your tinfoil beanie and flipped the "on" switch on what passes for a brain in your pointed skull. First of all, we have to clear our minds of moralising political cant and media clichés.Good. We'll just shred your entire screed right now, then. Except that we won't. We'd hate to ruin a perfect opportunity to run your moralizing political cant and media clichés through a plastic shredder. Thus it is misleading to talk of a ‘war on terrorism’, let alone a ‘war on global terrorism’.Let us know when you're done setting up your carefully designed playing field for the discussion. We'd hate to run the dozers through there before you're done. ‘Terrorism’ is a phenomenon, just as is war in the conventional sense. But you cannot in logic wage war against a phenomenon, only against a specific enemy.Great. That means we can't lose against a phenomenon either. Hooray, we won. Now that we're done declaring all such "wars" null and void, could we please eradicate the "war on poverty", the "war on (some) drugs", the "war on everything that lines an incumbent's pockets"? Because all that these wars have had a real, tangible effect on has been my wallet. It is therefore as meaningless to speak of ‘a war on terrorism’ as it would be to speak of a ‘war on war’. Today, then, America is combating not ‘terrorism’ but a specific terrorist network, al-Qa’eda.BZZZZT, wrong. 15 yard penalty and automatic loss of down. Nice try, though. We're absolutely certain that you and your terror-loving friends would love to limit this war to the pursuit of one organization and one organization only, leaving your friends in Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad and the entire "Palestinian Authority" alone. Ain't gonna happen, though. What’s more, terrorist campaigns, whether conducted by al-Qa’eda, the IRA or ETA, are not at all irrational expressions of hatred, let alone manifestations of ‘evil’ to be denounced from political pulpits, but instead are entirely rational in purpose and conduct.About as rational as Hitler's decision to hold on to Stalingrad when Ivan was busy surrounding the 6th Army and, based on actual facts, about as likely to succeed in bringing about anything but crushing defeat. To adapt a well-known dictum of Clausewitz about conventional war, terrorism of any brand is a continuation of politics by other means.I'd hate to be anywhere near the ghost of von Clausewitz when he hears of this one. Here's another adaptation, by the way: "Beating up socialist shitheels and stealing their lunch money before shipping them off to the gulags is a continuation of politics by other means." Al-Qa’eda’s own political aim has been proclaimed by Osama bin Laden: to expel American military forces, bases and business corporations from Arab or Islamic soil, along with ‘corrupt’ Western cultural influences....and what a stunning success his aims have met with. We've never had this many troops on Arab or Islamic soil, Burger Kings and McDonalds are shooting up everywhere we go, Muslim women are dropping their veils and shackles all over the Islamic world and stonings are a thing of the past. We sincerely wish the remains of Osama has-been Laden all of this kind of success that he can stand. Furthermore, to adapt a second of Clausewitz’s dicta about conventional war, terrorism is an act of violence intended to impose the terrorists’ political will on their enemy.Funny, then, that the only part of the world where Islamists have seen any progress is in the Grand EUrinal and the Caliphate of Canuckistan, where Shari'ah is waiting just around the corner, isn't it? Especially seeing as how these are places that haven't seen much of Islamic terrorism. The question for us today is this: which side is at present imposing its will on the enemy — the United States or al-Qa’eda?This is only a question if you're really, really retarded or if you're doing your best to make it easy upon the person being questioned. Which side enjoys the initiative? Objective strategic analysis can return only one answer: it is al-Qa’eda.Congratulations! You've just set the bar for Idiotarianism and imperviousness to facts so high that it'll take another Apollo mission for other Idiotarians to even approach your level. For ever since the destruction of the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001, America has haplessly reacted to al-Qa’eda’s prior actions.First, we haplessly took out Afghanistan in slightly less time that it takes a Valley Girl to perm her hair, then we haplessly disposed of the One-Eyed Cleric and Osama bin Liner, neither of which have been heard of since (not counting the comedy tapes recorded by various and sundry looney impersonators who are now enjoying a post-Osama boom in employment), haplessly removed the Taliban and sent them scurrying off to the hills, haplessly overthrew Saddam Hussein, a major funder of al-Qa'eda and most any other Islamic Nutjob Goat Fucker Terrorist serious enough to send a "please send more money"-postcard to Uncle Sod'em, haplessly sliced through the only thing resembling a military in the kitty litter box in about four weeks, and have been haplessly bumping off unorganized terrorists ever since, when not taking time out to haplessly capture or kill Sod'em and his family. If this is "loss of initiative", His Majesty hopes and prays that we'll lose some more of it. Osama bin Laden’s very purpose in launching the attacks of 9/11 was to provoke an open conflict between ‘the West’ and the Islamic world. He succeeded.Succeeded so well, in fact, that he hasn't been heard of since. Succeed some more, Osama, please. The American people’s rage and grief (fully shared by Bush’s Washington) made some massive American counter-stroke politically inevitable, no matter whether strategically advisable or not.More from the french school of strategy: Whenever faced with a threat, hurry up and surrender, because fighting back is only playing into the hands of the enemy. The LAST thing the enemy wants for you to do is to give up and hand him victory. No wonder the french haven't won a fight since they gave up fighting among themselves. Hence followed the invasions and occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq. And only last month the worsening security situation in Iraq, and especially the killing of the Italian carabinieri, led to Paul Bremer, the American viceroy of Iraq, bringing back from Washington a new policy and a new timetable for the future of the country. Here is proof that al-Qa’eda still holds the initiative.Defeat = Victory. We'd compare this drivel to Joseph Goebbels, but that would be an insult to Mr. Goebbels. But have the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq enabled the United States to inflict decisive damage on the al-Qa’eda network and curb its operations, as was the proclaimed intention? Hardly: since the first of these two invasions in 2001, al-Qa’eda’s rate of global striking has, in fact, greatly increased in comparison with the years beforehand.We must have missed all of those victorious and devastating strikes to us. Fortunately, so have everybody else except for Mr. Moonbat here. The Sand Nits are reduced to crapping in their own nest, attacking their own people, and this is a victory for them? In the two years 2002–2003 there have been 17 major bombing attacks around the world (up to and including the Istanbul attacks on the HSBC bank and the British consulate), as against only five major attacks in the eight years from 1993 to 2001 (up to and including 9/11).And hey, as we all know, an attack is an attack, whether it kills 3,000 people in the middle of the U.S. or blows up a residential building in Riyadh, right? The truth is that the two military occupations (and especially that of Iraq) have simply opened up long American flanks vulnerable to increasing guerrilla attack: a classic case of strategic overextension.To the point where they're attacking our flanks where we don't even have any. Maybe they've read B.H. Liddell-Hart's texts on "the indirect approach" and misunderstood every single thing he said? Sounds like it to us. In Iraq, moreover, Washington has brought about the linkage between al-Qa’eda and Saddam’s men which, despite Washington’s claims at the time, never existed before the war.No. We stated before the war that we had no ironclad evidence at the time that such a connection existed. However, as is often the case when you take over the enemy's HQ and start rifling through his files, evidence starts surfacing. Major American combat divisions — airborne, armoured and infantry — are now tied down in Iraq in peace-enforcement operations, for which they have not been trained and wherein they are clearly floundering (viz, the random blasting of firepower in all directions when ambushed in Samarra the other week)....where we floundered some three score terrorists straight to Hell. If we keep floundering like that, we'll have our troops home before we know it. These field divisions are of course no longer available for deployment elsewhere in the world. Result: the army of the world’s single hyperpower is now seriously overstretched in terms of personnel, with reservists and National Guardsmen having to be posted to Iraq.One of these days we'll introduce twits like this one to the actual reason for having reservists, but we don't think that they're quite ready yet. Hint: It's in the definition of the word "reserve". What is more, al-Qa’eda also holds the psychological initiative. By its acts of terror, it provokes fresh outbursts of grief and anger in the West (cf. the reaction to the Istanbul attacks) and a political response of windy rhetoric (cf. Blair and Bush at their joint press conference in London). But grief, anger and windy rhetoric are poor guides to shrewd strategy, as the ‘coalition’ entanglements in Afghanistan and Iraq already go to demonstrate. As also demonstrated by these entanglements, an equally poor guide to strategy is the romantic vision of ‘neocon’ ideologues in Washington like Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz who want to revolutionise the entire Middle East, even the whole world, into ‘democracies’....and, as the entire loony left never fails to inform us in their own inimitable racist way, those damn wogs are just too damn stupid to have a democracy. So what is now desperately needed are cool heads, soberly realistic judgments, and actions based on pragmatism rather than on ideology.Why do we have a feeling that surrender will feature prominently in the next few paragraphs? Firstly, in a conflict with insurgents, as in Iraq, there can be no quick fixes of the kind so congenial to the American temperament. It took the British colonial government in Malaya 12 years, from 1948 to 1960, to defeat the communist guerrillas.Maybe it's because the British colonial government wasn't going about it right? Maybe it's because Malaya was, and is, quite different from Iraq? Maybe it's because history is a learning tool and not a gold standard? The vain British attempt to defeat the IRA lasted from 1969 to 1994, when the present armistice was concluded.Did they ever try to invade Ireland? Not that we're not happy that they didn't, but it would seem that somebody's busy building strawmen and comparing apples to oranges here. I could cite other similarly discouraging case-histories.Could you cite just one that is similar to the actual situation, by any chance? At present, the various insurgents in Iraq enjoy the active or tacit support of a population deeply resentful of the American occupation.Would you care to tell that to the vast majority of Iraqis who want us to stay? They don't quite seem to share your enthusiastic support of Sod'em and his Ba'athist Buttplugs. The only way to short-circuit this resentment and so isolate the insurgents is to transfer military command as soon as possible to the United Nations: a command preferably led by officers from suitable Muslim countries.This would be a perfect place to turn the table and start "citing similarly discouraging case-histories" of what happens when that conglomerate of dictatorships get involved in a situation but, since we're all only too familiar with those, we'll just leave it at rolling our eyes and chuckling to ourselves. Similarly, the American army should as far as practicable be replaced as a presence on the streets by soldiers from Muslim countries able to win the trust of local Iraqis.Actually, we're doing just that right now. Only, we're not replacing them with wild-eyed fanatics from Somalia, Malaysia and Syria, we're replacing them with Iraqis. It IS their country, after all, no matter how much tranzi tossers like yourself want to hand it over to somebody else. Nor can there be quick fixes when it comes to creating stable democratic regimes in countries fractured by ancient rivalries — tribal, religious and racial.Would you kindly remember that the next time a herd of Idiotarians start howling about how we haven't turned Iraq into Belgium yet, after all of six months? The shooting war in Bosnia ended eight years ago, and in Kosovo four years ago. Yet in both countries only the continued presence of large international garrisons to enforce the peace prevents a relapse into civil strife.Odd you should mention those two "successes" of the UN. It doesn't seem to support your earlier point, does it? Also taking into account the turbulent history of Iraq itself in the five decades before the advent of Saddam Hussein in 1968, we should therefore reckon on a period of at least five years and probably ten before a completely stable and secure democratic regime could exist in Iraq.Is it OK if we let the Iraqis have a say in this? Certainly, Iraqi society is far too complex for ‘democracy’ to be simply flown in and installed by an American viceroy and his tame advisory council.Come on, don't hold back, you can say the way you really mean it: "The wogs are too stupid, dammit." Racist swine. And in any case Washington will simply have to accept that, in the long term, an Iraqi democracy may turn out to be dominated by the clerics: in fact, a people’s theocracy.But weren't Iraq supposed to be the most fanatically secular society in the Middle East, thus ruling out any connection with al-Qa'eda? And now they're fanatical Islamists who will never, EVER give up their dreams of theocracy? In the meantime, the hostility within Iraq and in the wider Islamic world towards the American viceregal regime makes it desirable that administrative as well as military responsibility for Iraq should be vested as soon as possible in the UN, acting through a UN high commissioner, preferably a Muslim.Nope. We want the Iraqis to have a future, and that cannot co-exist with UN presence, as any example of UN involvement will prove beyond a reasonable doubt. Moreover, it is only by the United States handing over political and military control in Iraq in this way to the UN that major states originally opposed to the American invasion, such as France, Germany and Russia, will take part in forging Iraq’s future.And why would we want THAT? The Axis of Weasel were vehemently opposed to losing their puppet to an invasion and couldn't care LESS if Iraq continued to be a dictatorship, yet now they just HAVE to be involved in the rebuilding? Why? Do they have anything to contribute? Of course they don't, but they wouldn't mind a slice of the pie one little bit. Unfortunately for them, we don't play that way. In regard to the wider global conflict with al-Qa’eda and its franchised supporters, the West should drop all its rhetoric about winning ‘the war on global terror’, and instead lower the emotional temperature....and surrender. Silly french-alike little turd. We should keep our nerve...Funny, coming from somebody eager to surrender every time a car bomb goes off in Riyadh. ...and, above all, get the terrorist threat into quantitative proportion. In terms of rates of striking, casualties, and physical damage, al-Qa’eda can wreak only the merest fraction of the destruction done by strategic air forces of both sides in the second world war.And, after all, it's not like it's YOU doing the dying, is it? There are no words for how despicable you are. America in particular must remember that al-Qa’eda can never inflict on her more than minor hurt, which is what even 9/11 was in terms of a nation of nearly 300 million people, immensely rich, and possessed of the most powerful armed forces on the planet.We "must" do no such thing. And we most CERTAINLY "must" not take marching orders from EUnuch fuckwits determining how many lives we can "afford" and must accept to lose. Time to unleash some unacceptable hurt on EUnuchistan, if you ask me. See how THEY like it. America must comfort herself by recalling that she was fortunate enough to come through the dreadful 20th century without a battle fought on or above her continental soil.We didn't have the time. We were too busy saving YOUR ungrateful asses - TWICE. Won't happen again, we promise. Next time you can all go straight to Hell. And she should also comfort herself by recalling that her casualties in both world wars were very much smaller relative to population than those suffered by European peoples.Why the everloving fuck should we care? WE didn't start your internecine, genocidal wars, YOU did. WE, on the other hand, were called upon to clean up the mess both times. Never again. So it would be sad indeed if she has allowed herself to be rattled (with far-reaching effects in Washington’s conduct of world policy) by a single terrorist hit, uniquely sensational though that was.It'll be even sadder if you allow yourself to be rattled by the imminent insertion of a very splintery, nail-studded two-by-four into your rectum, uniquely sensational though the feeling will be. Just hold still and smile as we rip open your sphincter and pour hydrochloric acid in the wound. The truth is that the occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq serve as bitter object-lessons in how not to conduct an anti-terrorist campaign."Whatever you do, do NOT beat the snot out of the terrorists! This will only make them retreat and start bombing the UN, the Red Cross and other soft targets. Washington must recognise that combating terrorists is essentially a job for special forces like the SAS, for the police or gendarmerie (or troops trained in a gendarmerie role) and, above all, for good intelligence (meaning, at best, spies inside al-Qa’eda cells) — and not a job for heavy-weight hi-tech firepower.Idiotarians like you must realize that our special forces and police come already equipped with hi-tech firepower, and they don't really give a shit if terror-sympathizing fucknozzles such as yourself don't like it when your buddies get turned to red smears and pink clouds. What we kill STAYS dead. Rather than kicking down front doors and barging into ancient and complex societies with simple nostrums of ‘freedom and democracy’,"...that those hopelessly retarded cavemen have no chance of ever understanding anyway", we presume? ...we need tactics of cunning and subtlety, based on a profound understanding of the peoples and culture we are dealing with — an understanding up till now entirely lacking in the top-level policy-makers in Washington, especially in the Pentagon.A JDAM up the ass isn't "subtle" enough for your refined, EUroweenie sensibilities? Too fucking bad, weasel, cry us a river. Posted by Misha at 12:33 PM
Chicken Coming Home to Roost
(link via the Puppy Blender) It would seem that Howard the Duck's lies and rumor-mongering is beginning to backfire severely. So much so, in fact, that his own are beginning to deliver well-deserved kicks to his butt as well. Personally (and this is just a theory we've heard, not something we actually believe in, but definitely an interesting theory nonetheless) we're wondering if we'll ever know the truth behind the theory stating that the reason former Governor Dean sealed his records for an unprecedented 10 years back, was that one of the reasons for his objections to parental notification when teens and pre-teens want an abortion is that he was involved in a child prostitution ring and had personally impregnated quite a few of the kids. Of course, it's just an absurd theory and we naturally don't believe a word of it, but we won't really know until all of Dean's records are unsealed, will we? Posted by Misha at 09:01 AM
December 17, 2003
So How to Dispose of the Swine?
Once again, we're taunted, teased and cajoled by LC Jeff into going where sane people fear to tread, the BBC's "Talking Point" section, where one of the current topics is what to do with the Butcher of Baghdad. Needless to say, the amount of vapid vacuousness in this EUnuch forum rapidly approaches critical mass, so let's jump in there before it falls on itself and becomes a singularity of stupid: Wil Voitus van Hamme of Blandford Forum, Dorset comes up with this brilliant display of EUrinal "logic": The fact that Saddam has been captured loads the obligation on the world to bring him to justice under international law.Sorry, but Captain International wanted nothing to do with his actual capture, so he'll just have to sit this one out - as well. He cannot be tried just by Iraq because his crimes have gone beyond the borders of this country. He should stand trial in The Hague, The Netherlands....considering Saddam's numerous and blatant crimes against the people of the Netherlands, of course, not to mention the vital assistance from Dutch law enforcement in securing his capture. This will not only ensure a fair trial but also no death penalty.Because, as we all know, the FIRST thing to ensure when you capture a known mass murderer is that he never, EVER end up dead for his crimes. Brian of Prudhoe must have stayed out in the snow for too long, because his brain has frozen up completely: This seems to be a catch-22 situation! If he is executed he may become a martyr, if he lives in prison even for life he will remain a rallying point for extremists. Is there any solution?Well, we could transport him off to an alternate dimension, such as the one you seem to live in, but hanging him would be a lot easier. He always said that he wanted to be a "martyr", and who are we to deny a condemned man his last wish? He'll probably lose valuable martyr points for refusing to draw his sidearm, begging his captors not to shoot and saying that he was ready to negotiate, though. We're still negotiating what kind of rope to use, by the way. Saddam should be given a fair trial and the trial should be made public so that people can also hear his side of the story.With all due respect, Adil (which is none whatsoe'er), we don't much care to hear more of his side of the story. The Iraqi countryside is full of his "story", in the form of mass graves. But we're sure that we can arrange for you to share his destiny, should you so desire. That way, you get to hear all of his story, over and over and over and over and over again... After viewing the distasteful examination of Saddam Hussein's "medical" which I found totally unnecessary, I feel the western world should be ashamed of themselves for stooping so low. Let the Iraqi people decide the fate of this man, as it is they that have suffered.It's a good thing that you're not a physician or, if you are, at least show the courtesy of not being one around here. The rest of us, on the other hand, do not consider medicals of lice-infested rats "unnecessary". L-rd only knows what might happen if you got bitten by such a foul creature. How can Saddam be fairly tried in Iraq when the country doesn't have a sovereign, autonomous government with a functioning court system? The only way to engender impartiality is to try him in an international court with Iraqi, and perhaps Iranian and Kuwaiti, representation.Didn't take long for our local village idiot to show up, did it? It's awfully nice of you to at least allow the Iraqis that he murdered by the hundreds of thousands to be present at the trial. Such magnanimity is rare in an Idiotarian. Fortunately, it matters not a bit what Idiotarians think since they, thanks be to G-d, aren't running this country anymore. Unless the absolutely unconceivable happens and he's found not guilty, Saddam should be jailed for what's left of his natural life....which would be all of three minutes. And once Saddam has been tried and punished are we going after the people who kept him in power and sold him weapons? I'd guess not.Why do you think Schröder, ChIRAQ and Pootie-Wootie have been sleeping so uneasily as of late? Now, if only we could get Chairman Hu (the fuck is he anyway?) on the bench as well, but Wal*Mart would never allow that. If Saddam is executed he will just be seen as a martyr to all of the rebels currently in Iraq. Instead, he should be held in a maximum security prison. Tyler, USAAnd wouldn't you know, we've got just such a prison handy: It's called "an unmarked grave". He once lived in a golden palace and has ended in a pit. The man is finished. And this is proof enough that he does not have the weapons of mass destruction because he would have used them by now! Leave him alone! Eranive Chilembwe, Blantyre, MalawiAnd he would too, if only he could've stuffed them into that spider hole of his, but that 55 gallon drum wouldn't quite fit. Instead we got 55 gallons' worth of human refuse. Well, once we're done with him, he won't hurt anything, ever again. Saddam should not be sentenced to death. Instead, world should try for the better reconstruction of Iraq and let Saddam see how he could have developed Iraq instead of being dictator.I swear, Acchut, if you as much as think about launching into a chant about teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony, I'll kick your fucking teeth so far down your pie hole that you'll have amalgam fillings in your crap for a week! Now take your Hare Krishna and stick it in your pointy ear. Saddam's trial will provide a true measure of how subservient the UK is prepared to be. As part of the coalition that deposed Saddam, we should have a very strong say in his trial. That means that the UK should continue its policy of opposing the death penalty in all forms. Saddam does indeed deserve the harshest punishment for his crimes against humanity, but that does not include committing another murder under the auspices of justice.Tell you what, why don't we put it to a vote? As far as I know, a vast majority of Britons want the death penalty brought back. Of course, in a democracy that would mean that you'd be getting it back, but that's not what you want, is it? Now, the only reasonable way of settling it would be to ask the Iraqis, but you bleeding heart fuckwads wouldn't like the answer, which is why you're not asking the question. It is true that Saddam has been harsh and inhuman to his people; still he gained our affection when he was seen behind the scene.I'm sure he gained your affection, Aziz. Thankfully, your opinion counts for less than that of a soon-to-be-extinct species of cockroach. If we don't give Saddam a fair trial, then won't we be just as bad as he is?No, to round you up in the middle of the night and dip you and your family in a vat of acid would be to "be as bad as he is". Don't tempt us. If it was that easy to capture Saddam and defeat his army, why did the West starve 1 million Iraqis to death in the past 10 years? Saddam did not kill my cousin's two sons, but the UN sanctions imposed by the US did.I'll tell you why, Hussein: Because for 12 years, the world refused to do a damn thing unless the french approved of it, that's why. Besides, your hero Saddam starved those Iraqis to death by spending all of the money from the Oil for Food program on palaces and weapons. I am glad that he is captured but did we need a war for this?You think he'd have showed up if we'd asked him to really nice? Do tell. He should be tried by an international court. Why? Because Slobodan Milosevic is being tried in the World Court (The Hague) - and Saddam Hussain should be too. Saddam Hussain should be tried in the same way in a court that is fair, unbiased and not politically motivated....and we all know what a stunning success for justice that trial has been, don't we Irfan? Saddam should face an international Court and Bush should face another when the war is over, if that is even a possibility. Next time, the U.S. wishes to fight violence with violence, it should become enlightened by Mark Twain's "The War Prayer." Perhaps, an old wise man can shed real patriotism.You certainly seem to have shed yours easily enough, Beatriz, much like most of your fellow travelers on the loony left. Big surprise there. Posted by Misha at 08:14 PM
Marksmanship Is Everything
The Imperial Firearms Advisor has just (today) undergone surgery, presumably to turn him into even more of a marksman than he already is. Or maybe it's to allow him to shoot lasers from his eyes at errant hippies? We don't quite know yet, but it would be in extremely good form to go wish him all the best. Not to mention that not doing so might attract unwanted attention from the Imperial Stormtroopers, who are in a decidedly pissy mood after they discovered that the cheap champagne they were quaffing in celebration of Saddam's capture was as good at producing hangovers as it was at producing a buzz. Well, at least they haven't burned down any peasant villages yet... Not a lot, anyway... Not like those mud huts were much to look at in the first place. Posted by Misha at 07:21 PM
The Return of a Prodigal Blogson
Imperial BlogSon Jay has returned after having been gone for G-d knows how long and to G-d doesn't even WANT to know where. From this post, one might suspect that he'd been wandering on the savannah, but then again, you never know with Imperial BlogOffspring, do you? At any rate, he's now back in his Shiny Happy Gulag, and the Imperial Guard has doubled the number of sentries surrounding it. Posted by Misha at 07:13 PM
In Case You Actually Need Proof of CNN's Lying and Treasonous Ways
Isn'tapundit has it, in spades. Posted by Misha at 01:30 PM
"The Roof, the Roof, the Roof is on Fire..."
Tim Blair notes that the Axis of Weasel have become strangely co-operative since the news of Sod'em Insane's capture. Anybody finding this strange will report immediately to their nearest Imperial Clinic for an urgent update of their ClueShots™. In (possibly) related news, sales of male Depends™ have gone through the roof in Fermany and Grance. Mheh. Posted by Misha at 01:15 PM
New Donk Slogans?
Harvey has a new humor assignment for The Alliance. His Majesty hasn't quite had enough coffee yet to be funny, so he'll just post a minor quibble with one of Harvey's suggestions: Joe Lieberman - Because Al Gore used to like me.Nononononono, Harvey! HERE'S the one that Joe wants to run with: Joe Lieberman - Because 1 out of 1 GoreBots hate me enough to stab me in the back. Of course, that one might actually work. Posted by Misha at 10:04 AM
Somebody Stop Her Before She Vibrates Again!
(Thanks to reader OR Duck, who is kind enough to show us a prime example of ignominous idiocy in the very heart of the Empire) A Texas housewife is in big trouble with the law for selling a vibrator to a pair of undercover cops, and the Brisbane vibrator company she works for says Texas is an "antiquated place'' with more than its share of "prudes.''Yes, you heard it right: This horrible king pin of vibrating crime was the target of a Narc sting operation and is now facing jail time for the horrid crime of selling a dildo through her own business to a private couple. Well, a couple of useless pricks with badges, really, but they posed as human beings. Isn't there a law against pigs impersonating humans? If not, there should be. While we're waiting for the Crack Imperial Legal Team to write up such a law (another bonus of Empire is never having to wait for the bill to actually pass the floor), we'll ponder if Mr. and Ms. Narc can't be more usefully employed flipping hamburgers at Gitmo. It certainly doesn't seem like they have any actual IMPORTANT work to do at their current place of employ, other than to do what government does best: Put money in its own pocket and giving absolutely zilch in return. It's not like Ms. Webb was peddling condoms to elementary school students. We have TEACHERS for that, after all. Now, would you, for the love of G-d, get your bureaucrapping fuckweasel gov't employees the HECK out of my bedroom??? Oh, and yes, it IS Texas law, apparently. So don't bother telling me "well it may be stupid, but it's the law", because I already know. It being the law, however, while certainly clearing Cleburne officials of any technical wrongdoing, does NOT automatically mean that the Narcs have to chase around like glue-sniffing rats in a maze, arresting dildo-selling housewives to enforce it. It's called "common sense", people, and it's all too uncommon within 300 yards of a civil "servant", but that's belaboring the obvious. There are several yeasts and fungi on the books as being endowed with more common sense and intelligence than your average civil "servant". "Civil service" is neither one nor the other. "Uncommon", on the other hand, does not mean "non-existent".The Puppy Blender brings us an example of a judge following the law as he must without giving up his personal good, common sense in the process: CURTISS BROWN, Justice, concurring.[UPDATE: For those who might, inexplicably, feel inclined to jump to the defense of the crack Narcs of Cleburne, here's a piece of Imperial Analysis for you: Either there are real, ACTUAL criminals in Cleburne currently laughing their tuchis off because they're NOT being chased by law enforcement, in which case somebody should be fired for negligence OR there aren't any actual criminals other than the heinous dildo merchants to chase, in which case somebody should be fired for wasting the taxpayers' monies. Pick one.] Posted by Misha at 09:29 AM
December 16, 2003
"H" is For...
Betcha you thought we'd forgotten about that, huh? Well, it's long overdue for another addition to your collection of Official Imperial Primer Cards™, designed and lovingly crafted as always by our Imperial Poet Laureate. So, without further ado, here's the latest one. Teach your children well:  Posted by Misha at 10:45 PM
Poetry Corner
So belated that His Imperial Majesty is re-acquainted with his long lost memories of shame, this link to the Imperial Poet Laureate's ode to Miserable Failures is now posted, that you may all enjoy his verse. He's Dead Right too. Given the predictive abilities of the Loony Left, His Majesty wouldn't want them within three parsecs of his personal portfolio. Not that an Emperor has a portfolio, living off the blood, sweat and tears of the oppressed, huddled masses as he is, but you get the drift. Posted by Misha at 09:25 PM
Things You Should Know Before You Go Hippie-Hunting
Good Sir Banagor has been kind enough to share his experience in what to bring for a good ol' Hippie Hunt, vital techiques that he has learned stalking the syringe-strewn steppes of Haight Ashbury. The aspiring Hippie Hunter should NOT leave home without familiarizing himself with this text. Of course, His Majesty has a few tips of his own as well: 1) Re: the aforementioned streets of Hippie Reservations, you should ALWAYS have steel inserts in the soles of your boots when stalking a Hippie through its natural habitat. Not only does it protect you from a wide variety of really nasty infections, it also helps produce a nice cracking sound when you stomp on their Birkenstocked feet. (Should you have acquired one of the "incurable" infections above, report to your nearest NeoCon Zionist VRWC Cabal HQ with your membership card and you'll be given the injections necessary to cure you. As we all know, we of the Cabal (T.I.N.C.) have had the cure for all of those diseases for decades, but we're holding them back in order to help our associates in the Pharmaceutical Illuminati. Don't tell anybody, though). 2) I believe that Sir Banagor has already mentioned the usefulness of a leaky oil pan on your OppressorMobile™. It throws the typical Hippie into a screeching fit and renders him immobile while he hugs Mother Gaia and begs for her forgiveness. However, some of you may be leery of having a leaky oil pan due to the risk of forgetting to top off the oil regularly. If that's the case, a nice alternative is to mount a flat, gallon-sized container under your car with an adjustable spout. All you have to do now is to visit your local garage and ask them to give you some of the old motor oil that they otherwise would have to pay to get rid of. They'll be only too happy to help. 3) Ever tried mixing laxatives in lattes? It's fun, let me tell you, and it creates a nice line in front of the restrooms just PERFECT for trying out the steel inserts in your boots. For extra points, have your Hippie Hunting friends go occupy all of the stalls before you strike. 4) If you see a lone hippie in motion, try to resist the temptation to score an easy kill and stalk him instead. The only time hippies move, as opposed to sitting around on their butts puffing on their bongs and listening to Phish, is when they're on their way to a hippie congregation of some sort. If you're lucky, the hippie just might lead you to the most longed after trophy in the country, the legendary Chimpsky or, even better, a Hildebeest. Of course, most of the time he'll just be headed towards the local watering hole (welfare office), but don't let this dishearten you. Many times you'll find interesting targets there and, if all else fails, you can always snatch his check as he moves away and watch him cry while you light it up with your Zippo (a Zippo with a very loud patriotic message on it, of course). If you're carrying the necessary protective gear, you should try to collect the hippie's tears, as they are known to repel 99% of all known household pests (the remaining 1% being other hippies, of course). 5) Never EVER try to initiate intimate contact with a hippie. Not only is it unsanitary, but 97.6% of the time the hippie will turn out to be the opposite gender of what you thought it was, which is a source of much embarrassment. Nothing compared to the embarrassment that you'll face if other members of the VRWC learn of your encounter, however. There are SOME things that not even a desperate VRWC'er in the darkest, dankest depths of Idiotaria shouldn't be caught dead with. 6) If you get in an argument with a hippie over your personal weaponry and the moral implications thereof, try this sentence: "Guns don't kill hippies, I kill hippies!" Be careful, though. This is likely to cause a stampede and, hippies being dumb animals, they just might decide to stampede in the wrong direction, and wouldn't it just be mortifyingly shameful to be trampled flat by a herd of stampeding patchouli-cows? 7) Leave the engine running at all times, even when you're outside smoking a cigar while scouting out the area. This is not only good for our allies in Big Oil, the sound of a real engine idling (punch a couple of holes in the muffler with a nail if your engine isn't as big as you'd like it to be) is known to strike either fear or indignation into the heart of the hippie, either of which serves your purposes just fine. Should they be running for their forest sanctuary to pray, the dust cloud will betray their position, and should they decide to charge you in a howl of indignation... Well, you didn't bring all of those, er, "crowd control measures" for nothing, did you? 8) Never, EVER aim for the head. There is NOTHING up there that you could POSSIBLY harm. Posted by Misha at 09:01 PM
"Throw Out Yer Dead!"...... (Horses, That Is)
Here's a little info, for all of you LC's out there, for use in whacking your Screeching MoonBat™ friends, foes or relatives across their wet noses, the next time they scream out "The economy may look a little better, BUT WHAT ABOUT JOBS!??" U.S.: The Job Market Is Stronger Than It Looks Shock! Gasp! The HELL, you say?!!! November's employment report, showing a meager 57,000 increase in U.S. payrolls, was a real stinker. That was still true even after accounting for the strike on the West Coast of some 23,000 grocery-store workers. Damn. This isn't starting out looking as good as we thought it would........... ...However, given all the other data showing the improving tone of the labor market, the monthly payroll numbers may not be giving an accurate picture of job growth. That's especially true when one considers that the economy is likely to post growth at an annual rate of about 5% for 2003's final three quarters. Those sneaky bastards! They had us going for a minute there. ;) To be sure, productivity growth has been soaring -- jumping at an annual rate of 9.4% in the third quarter alone -- and if businesses are increasing output through better efficiencies, they don't have to add to payrolls. But productivity this quarter is already showing signs of slowing, so more workers are needed to meet the faster pace of demand accompanying the economy's new vigor. (Emphasis mine--- B.) What was that thing we've learned about economic cycles? Oh yeah, now we remember.... "Jobs growth is the final phase of economic recovery." "But wait!" your Idiotarian Parallel Universe Dweller™ will say. "The unemployment numbers show the economy's still swimming around the bottom of an Arkansas Two-seater Shithouse!" Take your Slobbering Fuckweasel out back, tie 'em to a tree, record the following on a tape and put it on "Continuous Loop" for about 2 weeks, or until they've been released from the grip of Mindless Idiotarianism, whichever comes first. Policymakers also said that the risks of deflation have diminished. The bond market read that as a sign short rates might rise sooner than expected, despite the Fed's continued belief that policy can remain accommodative for "a considerable period." Both bond traders and the Fed will be keeping an even closer eye on the job markets for signs of potential price pressures as 2004 progresses. (Emphasis mine---B.) [Chucks one dead horse into the Imperial Dog Chow™ Shredder. THAT'S WHY CARVING OUT an accurate view of the labor markets is so crucial. But November's job growth is at odds with several other job-market indicators. For example, weekly unemployment claims are down to levels consistent with much larger job gains.(Emphasis mine---B.) Hmmmm....... We smell something........ ... Employment indexes from the nation's purchasing managers, which measure the breadth of hiring, are at levels not seen since before the recession. And a survey by the National Federation of Independent Business says hiring plans among small businesses in November were comparable to the strong readings of the 1980s expansion.(Emphasis mine---B.) Now we know what that smell was! It was the smell of Donks shitting themselves at the thought of "Reaganomics" making a ROYAL, ROARING FUCKING COMEBACK! Aaaaaaaaah...... Donk shit. Smells like roses in Springtime. [Throws another head horse into the Nag-O-Matic™] Perhaps most important, the Labor Dept.'s other survey of employment, taken by canvassing households instead of businesses as with the payroll data, shows sharply greater job growth in 2003 than the more widely followed survey of company payrolls. (Emphasis mine---B.) That would be "more widely followed" by the Donks, as they twist themselves into "pretzels of oozing, vagina-friendly lava", looking for a way, ANY way, to talk down the overall economic recovery and increasing prosperity of the individual American. ;) So far this year, the household survey, on which Labor's calculation of the unemployment rate is based, shows employment has grown by 2.2 million workers. The payroll survey says jobs are down by 24,000 (chart)* . (Emphasis mine--- B.) *Note: Check the original article link if you wish to see the charts. They're in the article and didn't have a separate URLs. Now, that seems like one HELL of a disparity between the numbers, does it not? Well, fret not. The article goes on to expain it. One difference in the coverage is that the household survey counts people who say they are self-employed, while the payroll data do not. (Emphasis mine---B.) Nothing like leaving out those selfish bastards, the "self-employed", to skew your jobless claims numbers, is there? Contrary to popular notions, however, this is not the major difference in the two accountings. Damned "popular notions"! I thought we got rid of those when pResident Shrub™ was sElected™???!!! True, the count of self-employed workers is up substantially -- (Emphasis mine---B.) And by "substantially", you'd mean what, pray tell? ...by more than 330,000 this year, and by nearly 700,000 since the recovery began two years ago.(Emphasis mine---B.) But, but, but............ But what about all those Great Depression™ bread lines and all of those millions of Starving American Children™ we see on TV every night? Oh, that's right. They don't exist. But even excluding the self-employed, the household survey shows 2003 job growth of more than 1.8 million, possibly because that survey better captures the hiring at small companies, which sometimes falls through the cracks of the business survey.(Emphasis mine---B.) Those aren't exactly the numbers we've been hearing from the Riders of the Tard Cart of Life™ lately, is it? [Picks up the entire Budweiser Clydesdale Team (tragically killed when Helen Thomas' skirt blew up and she flashed 'em) and drops them straight into the Rotties pen. No sense wasting that meat, since it's been marinated in beer for years.] (Note: We'll skip the stuff about them instituting revisions in their future counting to try to more accurately reconcile the two surveys. Onward we trudge!) IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME that revisions gave the job markets more muscle. The initial payroll data reported by Labor has a history of underestimating job growth early in a recovery when hiring begins to take off. "And what time-frame would be a good example of that?", you ask. (Damn you're smart! They were just getting ready to tell you that! Are you psychic or something?) For example, in the second year of the recovery from the 1990-91 recession,...(Emphasis mine---B. "Second year of recovery........" That would be....... let's see....... 1993. Hmmmmmm. We seem to recall that, at the time, there was a certain Bent-dick Hillbilly and his pack of Braying Jackasses™ screaming about And "1993" being the "second year of recovery" would infer that "1992" was also a "year of recovery", would it not? That would also, in turn, infer that the "Economic Boom of the 90's" did, in fact, start BEFORE the Philanderer-in-Chief was soiling the Oval Office. Silly "facts". ... payroll gains were first reported to be only about 300,000. (Emphasis mine---B.) Remember that little thing about the "payroll survey" from up above? Well, the Donks ran, like Michael Moore-on after the Krispy Kreme Donute truck, with that number. But a series of revisions now shows job growth was a much higher 1.6 million. In the third year, job gains were originally reported as 2.2 million, but were later revised up to 3.2 million.(Emphasis mine---B.) Phenomenal job growth without the fiscal policies of the Harlem Dress Spotter having had time to make a discernible impact. Those damned "facts" just keep getting in the way here. [The dogs are gonna be really hungry next year, what with the dead horse population dwindling this early in the election cycle.] Regardless of what next year's revisions show, job growth seems bound to strengthen in coming months, given the recent trends in several forward-looking indicators. First, based on past correlations, the four-week average of new unemployment claims, at 363,000 at the end of November, is consistent with monthly job growth of around 150,000. Facts. Use them like garlic against a vampire on the LLL's. They avoid them like baths. IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING. Some of us already knew that. We live outside of the Idiotarian Parallel Universe™. ... Fourth-quarter output, based on gross domestic product, is expected to come in at about a 4% annual rate, but data through November suggest that hours worked are rising at an annual rate of about 3%. That would be the first increase in hours worked in three years, and the largest rise in four years (chart). As a result, fourth-quarter productivity is making little headway, and a slower pace will continue in 2004. (Emphasis mine---B.) Hmmmmm........ ".....largest rise in four years." Larger than the "splendiferously spectacluar" last year of the Chinese Missile Guidance Mogul™, Hillbilly Hard-on? Wow. What the hell are we gonna do with all these facts that keep filling up that hole the Donks have dug for themselves? Another reason why job growth will pick up is the rebound now under way in manufacturing, which will help to stanch the enormous loss of factory jobs. Since the end of last year, manufacturing has let go of 478,000 workers. The service sector, which employs 83% of all payrolls, has added 336,000. Damn those optimists! We can't have them running around during an election cycle! Unemployed factory workers have been waiting for three years for the payroll ranks to start rising again. Now, with demand set to keep expanding into 2004, the outlook for factory jobs -- as well as service employment -- is improving, no matter what the November job report seemed to imply. (Emphasis mine---B.) Yep. No matter what the Desperate Dimwits of the DNC™ may wish for, the economy's coming back with a vengeance. Don't you almost feel sorry for the Drooling DiaperSoilers of the DNC™? No? We didn't think so. Now, don't forget to print out about 50 copies of this, roll 'em up really tightly, and whack the shit out of the next wet-nosed, tongue-draggin' Idiotarian who utters "What about the jobs?". PS: Oh, and you horse lovers out there better keep an eye on your steeds. There's HUGE shortage of dead ones, so don't let any Donks get near your wonderful animals. You never know what they'd do to have one to kick around, come next October. ;) F.E.T.E. Posted by at 09:00 PM
More Moonbattery
Our Imperial Friends at the Moynihan Institute have been sparring with a moonbat known as Mike Rausch, news director of ABC affiliate KATU Portland. Mr. Rausch seems to have gotten his laced panties all tied up in knots over the Moynihan Institute exercising their 1st Amendment rights (as is only too familiar when moonbats discover that the 1st Amendment not only covers their right to speech, but also *GASP!* others!), and proceeded directly to the second stage of Terminal Moonbat Syndrome™, characterized by threats of lawsuits, FBI investigations (it's always amusing how moonbats claim to be oppressed by the Evil Man™, then turn around and assume that said Oppressive System™ has nothing to do other than hunting down people who hurt their precious feelings), and a partridge in a pear tree. Rings a familiar and quite amusing bell around here. Well, Mr. Rausch then, presumably after having discovered that the FBI didn't give a tinker's cuss about his personal vendettas, started doing some "investigative journalism" of his own in order to get back at the vile people who'd dared talk bad about him. Naturally, as is almost always the case with the species known as Moonbattus ravingus litigator frivolii, his efforts were as fruitless as they were inept. The Moynihan Institute's efforts, on the other hand, weren't. We fully expect Mr. Rausch to start threatening with the CIA, the Secret Service, the National Guard and the Chinese Red Army next. Posted by Misha at 11:06 AM
A Day in the Life...
...of a Hippie Hunter. (Massive Drink Alert) [UPDATE: Trackbacks are a wonderful thing, but sometimes they lead you to stuff that leaves you stumped. Such was the case with this post. On one hand, I had Sir Banagor claiming that some comments had been deleted from Political Puzzle, and on the other I had Dave, my good friend and admin of Political Puzzle, completely mystified as to that claim. Now I know that Dave wouldn't censor out posts and pretend they never happened, he's a stand up guy that I'd share a foxhole with any day of the week and twice on Sundays, and I'm also sure that Sir Banagor wouldn't be making shit up either. Turned out that it was just a matter of link-screw-uppery in that Sir Banagor's initial link was to the wrong post. Glad that that's cleared up and I knew that there had to be a logical explanation to it.] Posted by Misha at 07:38 AM
December 15, 2003
The Empire Mourns
...for the Imperial Educational Advisor has hung up her cleats. First the Imperial BlogSis, now this. We will miss you, Connie, and nothing will fill the hole that you have left behind. Posted by Misha at 06:32 PM
Crapweasel Retreats in Shame
This piece of good news, delayed by yesterday's drunken reveling and celebratory firing of the Imperial ICBM Surplus (if you're living in a country that got unseasonably warm all of a sudden, we send our condolences. Unless you happen to have deserved it, of course), brought yet another shit-eating grin on His Imperial Majesty's face. It would seem that the Crapweasel decided to pull Ewic BumItch's death pr0n ad, something most likely having to do with this petition drive, the reactions from Blue Star Mothers and, of course the very honorable Blackfive's efforts in shining the spotlight on "Mind Beam" Kucinich and his slimy roach of a traitorous slimebucket, Ewic. A few helpful and suggestive phone calls, letters and emails may have had something to do with it as well. Guess all of that "free publicity" didn't help you out all that much after all, Ewic, unless you're planning on moving your business to North Korea, in which case we'll be happy to throw in a few bucks for the ticket. But that's beside the point. The main thing is that that vile, filthy parading of the bodies of our dead heroes has been stopped and that their names will no longer be defiled by the likes of Blumrich and Kucinich. To that, we raise our glass: HUZZAH! Posted by Misha at 03:38 PM
A Rare Outbreak of Sanity
Realizing that the primaries are getting closer, the least insane of the Nine Dwarves, Joe Lieberman, took a deep swig from the Anti-Idiotarian ClueMug™ that he had secretly bought while he thought nobody was looking, and was immediately overwhelmed with an unstoppable urge to make sense: "If Howard Dean had his way, Saddam Hussein would be in power today, not in prison," Lieberman told NBC's "Meet the Press."The Powers of the ClueMug™ are infinite indeed. Things seem to be heating up. Well, the primaries will be frightful, Posted by Misha at 01:51 PM
Aww, Aren't They Just CUTE?
Thanks to LC SlimyBill, we have this picture which we have titled "YOUNG LOVE"  Barf bags are on the back of the seat in front of you. One down, one to go. Posted by Misha at 11:27 AM
Consent of the Governed
...is the title of this blog, which also happens to be the latest addition to the Dept. of Domestic Affairs. Read early, read often. Posted by Misha at 10:34 AM
December 14, 2003
Interview With the Goat Fucker
Officials of the Iraqi governing council had a chance to visit with the cowardly fuck who left his sons to die and gave himself up without a shot, even though he was armed at the time. Some "martyr", huh?. Mr. Rubaie said: "One thing which is very important is that this man had with him underground when they arrested him two AK-47's and did not shoot one bullet. I told him, `You keep on saying that you are a brave man and a proud Arab.' I said, `When they arrested you why didn't you shoot one bullet? You are a coward.'He should be shot for the crime against humanity of speaking that language of syphilitic, cheese-eating surrender monkeys alone. Still, we predict that Sod'em Insane will be speaking a LOT more french in days to come, and that a certain back-stabbing surrender monkey will be sleeping very uneasily, wondering what he might have to say. [UPDATE: Via RightWingNews, we get a highly appropriate and absolutely priceless PhotoShopJob:  Oh, and Frére Jacques? Ask not for whom the bells toll... Posted by Misha at 08:02 PM
It's "Snatch a Swine Day" in the Empire!
Not much we can add to the Imperial Torturer's post below, except to thank him for not hesitating to run with it as soon as he got it. Good news of that caliber must be spread far and wide as soon as possible. Personally, His Imperial Majesty's feelings wouldn't have been hurt if the murdering bastard had "resisted arrest" but, on the other hand, he just might know stuff that could help us, and it sounds like he's chirping like a canary. Good. Now, of course he has to be executed as soon as we're done with him and he's no longer of any use to us, preferably in a spectacularly painful manner, but any kind of dead will do. The only fair solution would be to hand him over to the Iraqis for disembowelment. They're the ones that have been suffering under his genocidal tyranny, after all, so I hope that that's what we end up doing. Also, handing him over to the people that he's been abusing, raping, murdering and torturing for decades decreases the risk of him getting off alive considerably, and he must not be allowed to live. For one thing, we surely don't want to have every Islamofascist whackjob in the world running around committing atrocities in order to pressure whoever ends up with him into setting him free. If he's dead, there's no way they can "free" him. For another, and equally importantly, we CANNOT, MUST not send a signal to the world that you can do what Saddam has been doing and be allowed to live. It is imperative that he be made an example of, preferably in as humilitating a manner as humanly possible. Parading him in front of the world, forcing him to admit to all of his crimes, sentencing him to death and taping him crapping his pants and begging to be spared just before the lever is pulled would be the best way of doing this, which actually makes his capture a positive. You see, that way we can not only squeeze him of any and all information that he has, but we can break him completely in the process, reducing him to a slobbering, crying, drooling wreck of a human being prior to his trial and execution. The LAST thing we want is a defiant Saddam marching to the gallows with his head held high. Thankfully, there are many, many ways of completely destroying the psyche of a human being. All we can do is to hope and pray that we employ every last one of them. Saddam must be dragged to the noose, crying like a child and shitting himself all the way, so that all of the world may see him for the worthless, subhuman slime that he is. Let's start off by showing him home videos of his sons before and after their, er, "capture", shall we? It would be a nice start. Piping recordings of their voices into his cell while depriving him of sleep would be nice too. Saddam must not merely be exterminated, he must be utterly destroyed. Posted by Misha at 05:52 PM
Bring On The Rope!
The Butcher of Baghdad™ has been caught! More to come............
Here is one excerpt from this story on a UK site. "We are celebrating like it's a wedding," said Mustapha Sheriff, a resident of Kirkuk. Yep. Sounds like they reeeeeeeeeally don't want the US and our unilateral coalition of 30+ countries there. Update #2: (After the power came back on in the Imperial Also, those backstabbing, dictator-fellating assholes, *spit* ChIraq *spit* and Scroter, actually came out and gave their "heartfelt congratulations" earlier. Hey, Jock & Gearhead! Y'all can take a long flying fuck at a rolling donut on a short pier! :) Update #3: The good folks over at BlogsForBush have a run-down on the VRWC's take on the uprooting of the Pig of the Euphrates™. (Once again, apologies to pigs everywhere.) They've also got the "Yo' Ass Is Ours, Beeyotch!" T-shirt up.
Posted by at 07:10 AM
December 13, 2003
"No Law Abridging"
Francis W. Porretto offers up one of the best-written pieces on the Supreme Whore usurpation of powers and shredding of the 1st Amendment. Teaser quote (but read the whole thing): If this Supreme Court ruling is not completely disregarded by the press -- if it is not the explicit subject of an overwhelming campaign of civil disobedience -- the word "freedom" will have lost all meaning for Americans.He's right. If this betrayal of our most sacred document is allowed to stand, the 1st Amendment will no longer have a meaning and we've earned and deserve the chains wrapped around our necks. There IS no "optimistic" interpretation. We either HAVE Freedom of Speech or we HAVEN'T. There ARE no "degrees of Free Speech". As of Dec. 10th, 2003, we no longer have it, and we won't have it back until we TAKE it back. Posted by Misha at 04:54 PM
Don't You DARE Protect Yourself!
Because that is, as you all know, the sole responsibility of the Almighty State. Blogger Michael Williams tried to get a permit to carry a concealed weapon in the People's Socialist Republic of Kalifornia, something he shouldn't even have to do in the first place, as per the 2nd Amendment. Living in a statist, socialist shithole as he is, he was of course turned down, in spite of his exemplary and spotless record. His response is a whole lot more polite than the authorities guilty of condemning him to perpetual victim status deserve, but it makes for a fascinating read. Get thee the Hades out of that Idiotarian cesspool, LC Michael. Posted by Misha at 01:45 PM
New Blog Showcase
This week we'd like to nominate HipperCritical for his post Israel's Sammy Davis Jr?. Why? Because we like stories about Arab citizens of Israel being brutally oppressed, of course. Or not, as is the case with Mr. Firas Khoury, who is apparently QUITE capable of being a non-Jew without "being driven by desperation" to blowing up Israeli toddlers. Imagine that. Good on you, Mr. Khoury, and the Empire is proud to have you as a Loyal Citizen. You're an example to us all. [P.S.: Just to make sure that we don't miss out on HipperCritical's writing in the future, we've chained him to a desk in the Dept. of Common Sense.] Posted by Misha at 01:12 PM
Why Isn't This Fine American Fighting Man on our Blogroll?
Because our Imperial Spies have been sleeping at the switch again, that's why. Well, there's an office waiting in the Imperial Dept. of Hegemony by Force for you, Mike the Marine. Just try to make the suspects brought in for interrogation stand on the plastic, please. The rug cleaning bills are KILLING us. Posted by Misha at 12:22 PM
Multi-Lateralism, EUnuch-style.
Looks like the *spit* Grench *spit* and Fermans ("Old Europe") aren't going to be able to walk over the former Soviet-bloc nations ("New Europe"), quite as easily as the Wehrmacht did to the vaunted *spit* Grench *spit* military, back in WWII. It seems that "New Europe" is being "intransigent" , in the words of a *spit* Grench *spit* diplocrap. European Union's Constitutional Talks Collapse And these guys (Grance and Fermany) want to be part of the rebuilding process in Iraq? Even their soon-to-be "partners" to the East don't trust the bastards. (Can't say we blame 'em, either.) Any way, it's Saturday, so we'll keep this short. (Gotta go out, get drunk, fire our guns randomly in the air and oppress some more Third World Children™, ya' know.) F.E.T.E. Posted by at 11:16 AM
December 12, 2003
GoreBot Mk II
Dear Citizens of the Empire, After you have witnessed what we are about to show you, there will be no doubt in your minds that Allah truly IS grea... [RRRRRINGGGG!] "This is the Emperor, and may we ask who the HELL gave you our num..." "---" "Oh... Er, avert our eyes and all that, it is THEE, O L-rd! Just joking, You know, nothing serious... What?" "---?" "No, O Creator of all of Mankind, surely there IS only One True G-d..." [RRRRINGGG!] "YES???" "---" "Oh, it's you, er... Mother..." "---?" "Could you keep it down, All, er, Allan? We've got Somebody on line 2..." "---???" "No, dammit, we don't much think that He'd like to hold! Er, peace be upon you and all that... Wait, that's Him, please hold for a second..." "Yes?" "---!" "No, L-rd, I'm NOT talking with Allah on the other line... Oh damn, what's the point? Yes I am." "---??!?!" "We didn't even know that You KNEW such words..." "---?" "Well, yes, of course You would. You know everything. Yes, we know. Listen: Could we put the two of You on conference here?" "---?" "Yes, of course, L-rd, it's just that we were in the middle of something here and..." "---!!!!!" "Of COURSE it can't possibly be any more important than what You have to say. We just thought that the two of You might, you know, iron out a few details while we attend to our incredibly insignificant and boring mortal tasks that would not be worthy of Your time anyway, after which we could continue our incredibly stimulating and enlightening conversation undisturbed by petty concerns of this Vale of Tears, and..." "---?" "No, we have NOT been talking to The Fallen One Who Shall Not Be Named lately. He's been pissed off ever since that last shipment of Islamists we sent down there, something about them liking it too much when his minions ream them with pitchforks..." "---?" "With all due respect, O Exalted One, we only ship them there. We can't hardly help it if they've been of exceptionally poor quality as of late." "---?!!!" "Of course we're not questioning Your Divine Judgment. Somewhat hard to argue with Omniscience, O L-rd. Listen, could we continue this in a minute? We PROMISE it'll only take a second." "---?" "Only a second, we swear! We do not mean to question You, for we are not worthy, but the rates are killing us and You always seem to call collect. No free roaming in Heaven, we're afraid." "---?" "Technical jargon, pay it no mind, for it is not worthy of Your attention... Hello? Allah? You still there? I've got a call for you on the other line, patching through..." *Cough* Sorry 'bout that. Now, where were we? Oh yes... Allah has been toying around with his PhotoShop again and the results are predictably hilarious. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a long-distance Armageddon that we need to break up or, at the very least, transfer to somebody else's phone line. Posted by Misha at 11:41 PM
What a Sterling Feller
Well, well, well. Whereas His Majesty was going to be perfectly content with shutting up about that Bastion of Free Speech Whom Nobody Must Offend, Lest One Be Branded a Brownshirt™, Eric Blumrich, the Loyal Citizenry isn't quite done with him yet and, considering that this is your site as well, we're happy to share this memo from LC Chris, who has had the distinct displeasure of getting in touch with Eric the Ghoul in the past: Hello,Thanks, LC Chris. Who'd have thunk it? Eric Blumrich, tireless champion of the little man, pissing on veterans? Gee, it's almost enough to make you angry, isn't it? [UPDATE: Blackfive claims to have dug up a new animation by Blumrich, this one starring the man himself. The resemblance IS stunning, we must admit.] Posted by Misha at 08:02 PM
OK, This is Getting Ridiculous
So this is the final word I'm going to have on the famous "Death Threat" (don't make me laugh) post. As we have already mentioned in the rather lengthy update to said post (none of which any of the Lefty Moonbats screeching at the top of their lungs seem to have actually read. No surprise there), there is no such threat in there, as the continued absence of Men in Black on the Imperial Doorstep would seem to support. It's called "hyperbole", and is no more of an actual threat than saying "gee, I wish that the moron would fall off a cliff" or, a phrase that some of the righteously indignated Moonbats may be more familiar with "gee, I wish he'd choked on that pretzel". Now, that being off my chest, I WILL admit that I was (and am) immensely pissed off at the time of my posting and that posting the map, upon reflection at a later, more calm time, while not illegal (it's called "publicly available", look it up), certainly was in bad taste and just MIGHT give a sick, demented individual happening to come by all the wrong ideas. Still not my fault in any legal sense, but it DID bother me on an ethical level, which is why I took it down immediately. However, I DO apologize for acting in bad taste, legal or not, but show me somebody who's never done a distasteful thing in a fit of anger and I'll show you either a liar or a saint. Still, no matter how many reasons I may have had at the time for doing it, it WAS in bad taste, I DID do it, and I DO apologize for not taking a deep breath before posting. The other issue that might be considered troublesome was the posting of the /WHOIS info (again, look up "publicly available", you'll learn something) in the comments to the post. Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with me since I didn't post it, and I have neither the time, obligation nor the inclination to run around policing every last comment put up on this site. I built the wall, yes, but if you paint a swastika on it it's YOUR responsibility, not mine, and I will not be held responsible for washing it off. That being said, however, I DO have a contact email on the sidebar that is perfectly functional, yet I received not a single ONE pointing out that it might be nice of me to remove said post. Not ONE. I guess you trolls were all too busy jerking off at Eschaton to actually bother to go to the source and raise the question. Big surprise that - Not. And before you get started on "yeah, like you would've listened", I think you'll find that I'm more than capable of listening to reasonable requests. That is, you'd find that I was if you'd ever bothered to TRY, which you haven't. No big surprise there either. (As an aside, don't bother writing with that request now. After I found out what you wanted to say by wading around in the muck that my referrer logs pointed me towards, I decided that you might have a point. No, it is still not my responsibility what other people post in the comments, I'm sure the bloggers among you trolls wouldn't want to be made responsible for some of the shite that YOUR guys post, but you DID have a point, so I removed it. In the future, please try to talk to the person you're angry with, OK? You might actually get something done, and I promise you that there'll be plenty of time left for you to enjoy your circle-jerks, although there might not be anything left to circle-jerk about, which might explain why you never bother.) What the Moonbats DID find time to do, however, was to try to launch a criminal investigation in order to get me locked behind bars (I'm sure the Feds will love wasting their time with your temper tantrums, yet they don't seem to be too interested, since I haven't heard from them), try to track me down to get me fired because they didn't like what I said (you never know a true defender of Free Speech until he drops the mask and shows his horns), fat luck with that too, and finally trying to harrass my hosting service into throwing out my account, something they didn't react too kindly to, since they're not in the business of getting involved in flame wars. There's the difference between somebody who BELIEVES in Free Speech and somebody who PRETENDS to believe in it (as long as the speaker agrees with him), by the way. Well, thanks for showing your true colors. Not that I didn't already know them, but it's always helpful when the roaches crawl out from under their rocks so that you can count them. Funny thing is, I distinctly remember defending one of them when HE was being harrassed by a fuckwit with pitiful reading comprehension skills. Even funnier thing is that I, unlike you twits, would do it again, if he were to come under attack for exercising his 1st Amendment rights to be silly, outrageous or even offensive on a blog. But that's a one way street, I suppose. I can't say that I'm surprised, really, because I'm not, but still. Oh, by the way: I'm sure that all of you Paladins of Mr. Blumrich's will be pleased to know that you seem to be the only ones going ballistic over the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that he's had to endure. In his own words: Man...Can you guys say "tool"? I knew you could. Oh, and in case anybody out there actually were (or are) harboring plans of going out to kill somebody for being an utter, Constitutionally protected fuckwit, here's a free clue: YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND YOU SHOULD SEEK HELP BEFORE YOU HURT SOMEBODY. Posted by Misha at 04:08 PM
How Do You Castrate a EUnuch?
Good question, no? Well, it would seem that the President has found a way: Bush said even a decision by countries such as France and Germany to forgive Iraqi debt would not enable them to compete for the contracts in Iraq. And he was derisive when asked about German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's remark that "international law must apply here," saying: "International law? I better call my lawyer; he didn't bring that up to me."There's really only one word for a reply like that, and the word is: "OUCH!" The Axis of Weasel and the Useless Numbnuts are, of course, all tied up in Gordian knots over this. Not a problem, we've got JUST the solution to Gordian knots, and we've got it right here, in a scabbard on our left hip. Don't MAKE us draw it, y'hear? U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan branded the U.S. policy "unfortunate,"Well, that's all very nice, Kofi, now shut up and go clean up table 39 before we have to kick your ass - AGAIN. ...echoing protests from allies such as Germany and France"Truth in Journalism Moment" - Allies of the UN, yes. Allies of OURS? Ha. Never were, never will be. At home, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (RINO-Tenn.) registered his concerns,How fast can you flip hamburgers, Bill? We may have an opening for you. Diplomats and foreign policy analysts, meanwhile, warned that the policy, which bars countries that did not support the invasion of Iraq from getting prime contracts there, could crimp or cripple two major diplomatic missions: winning international forgiveness of Iraq's $120 billion in debt,How 'bout this tack, then: We tell the fucks to stick their worthless claims up their asses and, if they don't want to, invite them to come over and collect. Don't mind the mine fields, just don't move if you hear a "click". ...and rallying U.N. support for the Bush administration's plan for the political transition in that country.Does this sound like blackmail to you too? I thought it would. How's this for a reply: "Fuck you and the three-legged nags that you limped in on." Or how 'bout putting the shoe on the OTHER foot for a change?: White House press secretary Scott McClellan suggested countries that forgive Iraqi debts could be added to the list of those eligible to bid. "If countries want to join in our efforts in Iraq," he said, "circumstances can change, and we'll make that very clear."Chew on that, weasels. Lead, follow or get the Hell out of the way. Washington looks hypocritical to some of its allies, analysts said.Oh, a deputy NSA from the halcyon days of Fellating Fuckwit Administration. Now THERE'S somebody we should all listen to. Or not, as the case may be if you have more than three functional synapses in your skull. And what's this about "sacrifices" again? Oh sure, forget about the soldiers of the Coalition who actually fought their way to Baghdad and are still there, forget about the $87 billion that we've donated to rebuilding the country, if you REALLY want to talk about sacrifice, think about the poor EUnuch bankers doing business with a mass murderer who might end up screwed as a result. Bring us our Imperial Nanotech Violin, please. We feel a horribly sad song coming on. U.N. diplomats are cautioning that the ban will make it harder to get a concrete statement of support from the Security Council for the U.S. exit strategy when an Iraqi delegation presents the transition timetable and plan at the United Nations next week. Annan, speaking in Berlin, called the U.S. decision "not unifying."Is that you again, Kofi? Didn't we tell you to fix that mess on table 39 ONCE already? Fuck, if you're not the most incompetent busboy we've ever hired. Now, before we send you off to clean the floor of the ladies' room (we'll even let you use a mop this time, if you're lucky), here's some free advice for you: If you're trying to bargain, it generally helps if the goods that you're offering are actually WORTH something and, considering the UN's track record, there aren't very many things worth LESS than a UN Resolution. "Domestically this works, but diplomatically it makes it very tough," added a U.N. diplomat in New York. "The United States has been saying for the last couple of weeks that we have to look forward and, whatever you thought of the war, now is not the time to fight past battles but to look to the future to help the Iraqis. But the [policy] does exactly the opposite -- it rehashes the past and penalizes people."And how bloody unfair is THAT? We mean, all that the Axis of Weasel has done is to sell weapons to our enemies, do all they could to prop up the regime of said enemy and keep him in power, and block all efforts of ours to defend ourselves, and here we are *GASP!* penalizing people! Oh the HUMANITY! Let's say we DO (and it won't happen, it'd BETTER not happen) play kissy-kissy with our enemies in france and Germany. What are the french going to do for us, exactly? Set up a compound in Iraq and refuse to come out if there's gunfire in the area, just like they did in the Congo? Thanks, but no thanks. We don't have the time nor the manpower to change the diapers of the french "soldiers" every time they get spooked by loud noises. Up yours, weasels. Posted by Misha at 10:54 AM
December 11, 2003
Shredding the Constitution
Since I'm obviously incapable of making it clear just WHAT just happened to the First Amendment and the bloody FOUNDATION of this country, I'll give the floor to Noel of Sharp Knife, because nobody puts it better than he does. Now tell me again why President Shrimp Dick is worthy of anything other than pissing on? Posted by Misha at 10:54 PM
In Case You Were Wondering...
This is how you break your Oath of Office. And here's a bio of the Oath Breaker. Impeach him, now. Before it's too late. Posted by Misha at 09:18 PM
While We're Waiting For the Media to Catch Up
...and we'll be waiting for a long time, methinks. But thankfully, we've got some actual Iraqis reporting on yesterday's demonstrations in Baghdad against the New York Slimes' friends, the murdering Ba'athist swine. We can only assume that the reason that the media have completely ignored the event is that there weren't any dead American bodies that they could gloat over while masturbating with glee. Once again, we're reaffirmed in our conviction that the planes hit the wrong buildings. But then again, why would terrorists try to harm their allies? Please welcome Healing Iraq to the Imperial Dept. of Foreign Affairs. In other news, the Man With the Rapidly Shrinking Balls has been busy telling Taiwan to go fuck themselves and play sucky-sucky with communists. Way to go, cowardly fuck, you never cease to underwhelm us with your massive dedication to freedom and human rights. Who're you going to sell out next? We can't hardly wait to find out, but at least we should be happy that you didn't sell out your own country and its Constitution for once. That alone is an improvement of sorts. We'd say more about President Shrimpya's support of communism and the subjugation of free people, but there's nothing we can add to what Marie and Arthur Silber have already said, just to name two. Israel - Sold to Yasser Arafat for a blowjob by Abu Mazen. The Constitution of the United States of America - Sold to Sandra Day O'Connor for a picture of her having wild animal sex with a geriatric donkey. Taiwan - Sold to China for a peck on the cheek. What a track record. Posted by Misha at 08:40 PM
We Get Hate Mail...
Somebody named Edward writes us to tell us this: Your guys are pigs, morons, racist and plain out wrong. you guys are EVIL!!Edward (may I call you Teddy-baby?), Well, faced with such a scathing rebuttal and exposé of our True Evil Nature™, we're left with few options other than to concede defeat, pack up and go back to collecting stamps (the ones you put on letters, Eddie, your food stamps are quite safe from us). Or we could shrug, say "who gives a shit?", and throw your mail in the trash. Decisions, decisions. We'll be pondering this while we're out oppressing poor people and stealing social security checks from little old ladies, and we'll let you know when we've made up our mind. Yours derisively, Emperor Misha I Posted by Misha at 12:34 PM
The BlogXodus Continues...
Yay! Aaron's Rantblog has left the yoke of BlogSnot far behind and has moved itself to the Promised Land of regular access, fast loading times and condescending sneers at less fortunate bloggers. In the future, you will find Aaron and his essential rants right here. Now go ye and adjusteth thy bookmarkes and bloggerolles... Posted by Misha at 11:13 AM
How's This For ACTUAL Threats, Then?
Blumrich and his jolly morons get all tied up in knots over things that they perceive to be a death threat, yet they don't have a problem with issuing real ones themselves. Blackfive is, of course, not easily threatened. And it goes without saying, Blackfive, that if I can ever do anything to help you, all you have to do is to drop a word. Not that I think you need any help, as a matter of fact I pity the poor fool trying to mess with you, but always know that you've got it if you want it. That's what friends are for, after all, and I'm truly honored to be able to call you one. Posted by Misha at 09:55 AM
Can We Have a Regime Change, Please?
Spoons notes, among other things, that since the SCOTUS' outrageous, treasonous and un-Constitutional piece of legislation from the bench yesterday, we now have less freedom to criticize the government than the Iraqis we just liberated have. He's absolutely right. Read the whole thing. Posted by Misha at 09:37 AM
December 10, 2003
Never Forget Who Protects Our Freedom....
Imperial thanks go out to LC Delftsman for sending this. May he soon return to the firing range. If you don't have tears in your eyes and a lump in your throat after watching/listening to this wonderful tribute, you're not human. (And you CERTAINLY aren't a REAL AMERICAN! ) 'Nuff sed. F.E.T.E. Note: This link is not really for the connectivity-challenged, but it is DEFINITELY worth the wait. You won't regret it. You have our Imperial Word™ on it. Posted by at 09:15 PM
"Safe to Sign", Eh?
...because the Supreme Whores will knock it down, right? Well, it appears that they wouldn't. Led by Slutface Bray O'Cunthead, the Supreme Whore leading the charge to shred the Constitution in favor of rules imposed on us by such august bodies as the UN, the Supreme Whores just struck down the 1st Amendment. Not surprising, really, considering that Swing-Vote O'Clown recently buried the 14th by endorsing racism in the admissions process, while President Wimpya was hopping around on his hindlegs, clapping his paws with glee. So to all of you Kool-Aid drinking clowns out there, stating that it didn't matter one whit that President Milquetoast couldn't find his veto back way back when, claiming that the bill would be struck down immediately by the Supremes: Here's a heaping helping of crow. Now eat it, dammit, EAT IT!!! [UPDATE: We tried to get a comment from President Dickless, but it was feeding time, and he was slipping in his banana peels] [UPDATE the 2nd: Some are, understandably, wondering what it would take to impeach and remove the Herpetic Whore from the bench, so let me answer that one for you. It is possible, but you'd need some heavy political artillery to do so, and just where would you find that? From President "Oath About Defending the Constitution? What Oath? Where do I Sign?" Needledick? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! That was a GOOD one! Try to catch him while he's not busy pandering to the vote of transsexual, lesbian Eskimos, why don't you?] [UPDATE the 3rd: Should've been the first update, really. Speaking of oaths, I'm reminded of this part of mine: "that I will support and defend the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic;" Leaves me with very few options now, doesn't it? Well, at least I REMEMBER it, unlike the elected President of the nation, who apparently uses it to wipe his ass with.] (via LC & IB Pamibe) Posted by Misha at 04:29 PM
Let Them Eat Cake
Seems like the Axis of Weasel will be needing to tighten their belts even further in times to come, according to the latest from the White House: WASHINGTON, Dec. 9 — The Pentagon has barred French, German and Russian companies from competing for $18.6 billion in contracts for the reconstruction of Iraq, saying the step "is necessary for the protection of the essential security interests of the United States."Two things particularly worthy of note here:
And if you think that the future trials and tribulations of the Grand EUrinal Axis of Weasel ends there, you couldn't be more wrong. Evil Glenn brings our attention to a quote from the President that suddenly sounds a whole lot more interesting, in view of the above: The future of the Iraqi people should not be mortgaged to the enormous burden of debt incurred to enrich Saddam Hussein's regime. This debt endangers Iraq's long-term prospects for political health and economic prosperity.If His Majesty were a EUnuch owed anything by the now defunct management of Iraq, he'd be handing off those pieces of paper so fast that there'd be a real risk of them catching fire. Just saying, 's all. Posted by Misha at 04:00 PM
Kucinich Bitch-Slapapalooza!
We've already mentioned Kucinich doing the polka over the body of our fallen in yet another pathetic attempt of his to get another vote, the cock-sucking, motherfucking, sister-molesting, goat-felching, traitorous, should've-been-hanged-fucking-years-ago, ghoulish son of a mangy, syphilitic, three-legged bitch (and these are the nicest things we could possibly say about the crazy sack of shit known as "Kucinich"), but we certainly weren't the only one to take notice. The Imperial Armorer isn't too pleased either. Not pleased at all. Baldilocks (and if you don't know her, you're missing OUT!), is about fit to be tied, but His Majesty would much rather let her loose on Dennis the Fuckwit Ghoul's scrawny little ass and assorted tender parts of his anatomy, equipped with a bunch of dull, rusty implements. Harvey is, of course, short, sweet and to the point. Blackfive, in his own inimitable way, opens up a 55-Gallon Whoop-Ass Oil Drum of Death all over Dennis the Needle-Dick AND the designer of the ad, one Eric Blumrich. Lil' Eric obviously thinks that the reactions to his little peace of treason and pissing on dead heroes' graves is funny, or maybe he's just pretending to be laughing, to hide the fact that he's got shit running down the legs of his pants. Here's a hint to you, Eric, and we're only trying to help here: The gov't can't do anything to you over that ad, nor should they, but that's the extent of your protection under the First Amendment. The First, however, doesn't protect you from the consequences of pissing people off, and quite a few people out there might just be pissed off enough to wipe that nervous little grin off your traitorous mug - with a belt sander. You've pissed them off - bad, and if those were MY friends and/or relatives whose dead bodies you'd just been dragging down the street of your online Mogadishu, I'd be pissed off too, even more than I already am. Abusing somebody else's death for personal gain isn't likely to garner you very many friends. Just keep this in mind, and don't start whining if you end up reaping the whirlwind, because you asked for it. Eric may not be famous enough to be a pick for the 2004 Dead Pool, but there's another signed Imperial Mug for the first LC to inform me that Eric Blumrich has had a "tragic" accident. [Note to Idiotarians: If you think that this is an encouragement to go break the law by instigating such an accident, FOR A FREAKIN' COFFEE CUP, you're quite out of your minds and possibly dangerous to your surroundings. Seek help. Now.] Accidents DO happen, you know, and that's the kind of news that would definitely make my entire day. [UPDATE: Well, it would seem that Mr. Blumrich isn't quite as fond of publicity as he claims to be. It also seems that his reading comprehension skills are as limited as is his sense of morals, in that he has decided that the above constitutes a "death threat", and has sought legal recourse for the "crime" of publishing publically available information on the Internet. Then, in his second email to yours truly, he seems to regain his composure and decides that he loves publicity after all and backs down from his temper tantrum. While we're waiting for Mr. Blumrich to make up his obviously confused mind, we might as well make a few things clear to him: There is nothing published here that isn't easily accessible by anybody capable of doing a simple /WHOIS search. No private information has been divulged, nor would I publish any information of a private nature even if I DID have access to it. That would be illegal, you see, and I don't walk around breaking the law, no matter what Mr. Blumrich might think about my actions. Second: As to the "death threats", I've read through the above post at least a dozen times by now and, try as I might, I simply cannot locate any threats made by me against Mr. Blumrich's life, unless you call "you're a rat bastard swine and I'd like to kick your ass seven ways from Sunday" a "death threat", in which case I'm sure that Mr. Blumrich will find that rather a large number of such threats have been issued lately, publically and otherwise. Using our war dead as props, without their permission, in an attempt to gain votes for a twit that'd sell every one of us down the river in three seconds flat, were he ever to gain power, DOES tend to evoke some rather powerful emotional responses from people. Pissing on people's graves and then turning around to bitch and whine when people get pissed off because of it is as stupid and cowardly as it is hypocritical. Deal with it. Piss people off and they will get angry. Cause and effect, you know. But I'm a nice guy, so just in case somebody out there really IS as stupid as Mr. Blumrich and have somehow interpreted the above to mean "go kill Mr. Blumrich", here's a free lesson in civics, irony and personal responsibility: Killing people is illegal. "Illegal" means "breaking the law". Breaking the law is a Bad Thing™, and is something you shouldn't do or you WILL reap the consequences, with no-one but yourself to blame. There. I much doubt that anybody around here don't already know that, seeing as how it isn't really hard to comprehend, but never let it be said that we're not helpful. Oh, and since Mr. Blumrich has stated that he ISN'T interested in publicity (except when he is, unless he isn't, he seems a bit confused on the subject himself), and since the point has already been made, we've decided to bump the map from the front page. Not because we're under any obligation to do so, unless Mr. Blumrich wants to shut down Yahoo.com as well, which is where it came from, but because we're so fantastically nice that our good nature is legendary already. There you go. Oh, and one more time, since the concept seems to confuse the likes of Mr. Blumrich to the point where they can't quite distinguish anger and hyperbole from conspiracies : "Thou shalt not murder"] [UPDATE: Further information (and this is the end of it) can be found here.] Posted by Misha at 02:17 PM
Hooray!
Blackfive, who's been on top of the LTC West case since it broke (and a crisp, snappy salute to you for that, sir!), has good news, good news backed up by this article: An Army hearing officer has recommended administrative punishment — but not a criminal court-martial — for Lt. Col. Allen B. West, who is charged with assault for firing a gun to scare a confession from an Iraqi detainee.What does this mean? Well, LTC West will NOT be discharged and he WILL keep his pension. Good? Damn straight it is! Good enough? Hell no. He should get a medal for saving American lives. But it's a step in the right direction, and the Empire celebrates with LTC West, a true American hero, today. Now, if you'll excuse us. His Majesty has to go lose whatever shreds of dignity he may have had left by doing the happy dance on the Imperial porch. Posted by Misha at 07:55 AM
December 09, 2003
URGENT Request
(Thanks to LC Tanker S for passing this on!) Chief Wiggles of well-deserved "Toys for Iraq" fame has a situation on his hands, and you, or somebody you know, may be able to help. Help Chief Wiggles save these Iraqi girls from the hands of the terrorist thugs that seek to murder them for the help they've provided us with. Posted by Misha at 04:32 PM
Ask the Emperor
Reader Beckett, based on this article about Muslim spy and traitor James Yee, writes to ask us the following: When are you going to apologize for calling Chaplain James Yee a traitor and saying things like "Here's how we fix that: We tell the traitorous swine that if he tells us everything he knows, we'll make it quick. If he doesn't, his death will take a month" and "Time to take the kiddy gloves off and put the firing squads to work."We'll tell you when that'll happen: When, and not a second before, the charges against the traitor have been dismissed and/or he's been found not guilty, that's when. The article you provide us with says nothing about the original charges having been dropped, although it DOES seem to claim that they've been watered down a bit. As to your second, and completely irrelevant, question, our answer is this: No, we don't execute adulterers in the Empire. We castrate them. With a cheese grater. [UPDATE: Rusty, for extra points] Yours &c;, Emperor Misha I Posted by Misha at 01:32 PM
Join Dead Pool 2004!
'Tis that time of year again, the time when we all gather and make our picks for next year's Amish Tech Support Dead Pool. This year, to further encourage the Citizenry of the Empire to join in gloating over the demise of Idiotarians, His Imperial Majesty has decided to chip in for the ever-growing pool of prizes. Therefore, let it be known that the first participant to pick up points for the joyous and, hopefully but not necessarily, gory departure from this world by a paleswinian name-recognizable fuckwit (we're talking Yasser, Saeb Erekat, whoever Arafuck's sock puppet du jour is running the PA and the like) will receive their own very personal copy of this little baby:  ...naturally personally endorsed and signed by His Imperial Rottiness himself. In the event of a tie, the lucky Loyal Citizen will be the first one to email His Majesty a copy of their receipt from Pizza for the IDF, celebrating the happy event. Obviously, this collector's item won't be for drinking out of, so while you're all busy filling in your nominations for the Dead Pool, you might as well go right ahead and order your very own extra mug. It'll make you more attractive to the opposite sex, improve your sex life, grow vital parts of your anatomy and scare liberals enough for them to stand still until you can draw a good bead on their foreheads. (Yes, having more than one DOES add to all of those effects, so go ahead and fill up all of your cabinets. You'll be happy that you did) Posted by Misha at 12:16 PM
LTC West Update
Spoons has an update in the form of a letter purportedly from LTC West's counsel, LTC (Ret) Neal Puckett, USMC. Also, he has a quote from the Washington Times from LTC (Ret) Puckett, that ought to be a real eye opener to members of the "but we can't lower ourselves to their level (in itself an absurd claim, equating scaring a terrorist with feeding people to plastic shredders)"-brigades: "All of the intelligence witnesses regularly expressed the fact that detainees bragged they know they don't have to talk because we can't do anything to them," attorney Neal Puckett said in an interview yesterday....and, as a result, the fruits of our intelligence-gathering efforts approach nil, leading to more of our soldiers getting killed in attacks that could have been avoided, if only we didn't have our hands tied behind our backs by treasonous REMFs. But what the heck, we get to feel really good about ourselves and how much better we are than them, and what can possibly be more important than FEEEEEEWINGS, right? Tell that to the relatives of the soldiers that your masturbatory halo-polishing will get killed, why don't you, because I'm not interested. Posted by Misha at 10:41 AM
Another Argument For Home Schooling
(via Right Wing News) Another result of Zero Tolerance Lunacy combined with the cesspool of human ignorance that we've left in charge of our schools. Student kicked out of school for a year for possession of Advil A student expelled from Parkway High for a year for having Advil, an over-the-counter pain reliever, will not be allowed to return to the school.So, in case you're in a Publik Skool and have a headache, we strongly suggest that you just suffer in silence. Of course, your lack of concentration as a result of the pounding headache will most likely have your If you're in a Publik Skool Gulag, you're fucked if you do, and equally fucked if you don't. Not surprising, when you consider that the administrators of said Gulags are slightly less intelligent than your average staphylococcus aureus. Repeal the Ted 'Swimmer' Kennedy "No Teacher's Salary Left Behind", then repeal the Skool Administrators' Right to Steal Oxygen. The Empire will supply the rope, free of charge. Until that happy day, when commie indoctrinators dangle from lampposts everywhere, home school your kids. Posted by Misha at 09:48 AM
December 08, 2003
The Socialist Manifesto Doesn't Work?! Sacre' Bleu! Non!
(Linkage props to the MIA Imperial Correspondent Oki.) (Note: To make this post about *spit* France *spit* a little easier to read, we're going to go ahead and give a giant *HACK UUUUURRRRRGH SPIT!* to the Empire of Weasels and SurrenderMonkeys™ up front and be done with it. Also, the link in the story is to the Star Tribune (Minn), which requires you to register (For free) before you can see the article. We'll try to post as much of the article here as possible. Thank you for your attention. Let the games begin!) Imperial kudos to one Rebecca Goldsmith, Newhouse News Service, for an actual, honest-to-goodness, whoop-ass piece of journalism. We know it's a strange and foreign concept in these times that we live in, but she put the boot right deeply into the crotch of the Socialist Suckweasels of EUnuchistan™. Their eyes have GOT to be watering from such a gargantuan nut-crunching, teeth-shattering barrage. (And she does it without heaping the well-deserved scorn that the sniveling little bastards have brought upon themselves.* A truly professional job, Rebecca.) *That's what we're here for! ;) The shit has gotten so deep in France, that EVEN THE FRENCH PRIME MINISTER HAS ADMITTED that a government-enforced, 35-hour work week, with NO OVERTIME ALLOWED, (nada, zip, zilch, sifr) is a really, really bad idea. IVRY, France -- One recent Friday afternoon, Fernand Lopez, a manager at a private mail-distribution facility, wasn't at work. He was at the shopping mall, helping a co-worker cart some packages home. Sounds like a normal enough scenario. At one time, Lopez worked a full schedule each week. He got standard pay for 39 hours and overtime whenever he could. "At one time" France was also a powerful, relevant nation, which actually had something useful to contribute to the world, in general. (Well, maybe not "contribute" in the sense that they did much good. But at least they didn't bow down before every dictator and fellate them like a Donk delegate in Klintoonz office.) But, back to the story, shall we? Now, French law.... There's a MILLION jokes right there. ;) ...restricts him from working more than 35 hours and bars him from earning overtime. The rules sentence him to a life of deprivation, he said. BUT WAIT! Socialism is supposed to guarantee that TO EACH, ACCORDING TO HIS NEED.... and other assorted Marxist horseshit and pie-in-the-sky, utopian, ejactulatory, soft lava, vagina-friendly...... Aaaaaaarghhhhh! No. We won't go there in this post! At least not any further. Onward we trudge. "I'm 35 years old, and I still live at my mom's place because I can't afford to get my own place. Sounds like he got a Liberal Arts degree. ;) ....Try to live at 1,000 francs [about $180 a week] when you know all the bills are going to pile up," Lopez said. But, Mr. Lopez, that's what the Socialista Elites have alloted to you. Now, GO EAT YOUR CAKE, DAMMIT! As Americans work longer hours and their country's economic growth shoots up to near-record levels,.... What's that you say?! But the DhimmiDonks of Doom & Despair™ have been screaming that we're in The Great Depression™ and that 95% of The Children™ are starving to death and having to fight off packs of wild dogs for food and beating up homeless freaks under bridges to get their needles, so they can give themselves immunizations so they'll be allowed into the Under-funded Skoolz™??!!! the French are worried they might not be able to compete globally. Some say the shortened French workweek is to blame. "Might"? How about "Won't", "Can't" or "Snowball's chance in Hell"? How the flaming fuck does a country with ZERO natural resources*, a fifth-rate military, an un-natural tendency to surrender at the drop of a hat and a president named *spit* ChIraq *spit* expect to "compete globally" with the only HyperPower™ this little ball of dust's ever seen? *Note: Unless one considers "odor", "white flags", "cowardice" & "treachery" as natural resources, these days. They'd have the market cornered in that case. During 2000, the Socialists then in power enacted a policy designed to decrease France's characteristically high unemployment by forcing everyone to work fewer hours. The policy limited a worker's regular hours each week to 35 and capped paid overtime, requiring employers to give time off to workers who exceed the limit. "We'll make the ones who want to work, not work, take those hours (Read: money) and force the ones who don't want to work (or are unqualified) and give those hours (Read: money) to them. Que simplisme'!! Everyone gets screwed equally!" While proponents credit the law for creating as many as 450,000 jobs, economic analysts say the benefits have been debatable. Unemployment initially sank, but the improvement coincided with France's dot-com boom. When the bust began, unemployment rose again. During September, France's jobless rate climbed to 9.7 percent, its highest since April 2000. Sounds vaguely familiar, non? Lately, opponents are blaming workweek restrictions for everything from the country's large public deficit to thousands of heat-related deaths during the summer. Some critics say the short week creates a culture of people so focused on vacation they are unable to concentrate on work. Mr. Ass, Meet Mr. Slam! Ouch! That's GOTTA hurt! The Socialist ShitScow™ is taking on water so fast, even the "The future of France is not to be a huge leisure park," Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin said in a televised interview last month,... Quite correct you are, PM Raffarin. France's future is to be a giant, glowing, radioactive mosque. ...adding that his country needed to "rehabilitate work." Translation: "We need to get off our lazy asses and actually do some WORK!" Though France has gotten the most attention for its short week, it has company in Europe. Since the 1940s, Europeans have expanded their annual time off by about one week, said Lawrence Jeffrey Johnson, chief economist of employment trends for the International Labour Organization, a branch of the United Nations. Yeah, we remember those years during the early 40's when the EUnuchs took all that time off from work and left it up to the Joooooos to pick up the slack. In the United States, a 40-hour workweek is standard and the government doesn't regulate vacation time. It's a couple of things we like to call "work incentive" and "free will". "The U.S. labor market is much more flexible that way, to allow people to work out individual accommodations in how they want to organize their lives," said Paul Swaim, an economist specializing in labor market issues for the Paris-based Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. Holy Jumpin' Jeebus On a Nukular-Powered Pogo Stick!!! We can't be havin' none of that!!! Next, the plebes'll be wantin' things like "free speech" and "the right to bear arms"!!! But working more doesn't mean employees are more productive, Johnson said. In fact, the French and Belgians are more productive per hour than Americans, he said. We'll have to get back to you on that one, Mr. Johnson. You'll have to forgive us if we don't believe everything that issues forth from the spew-hole of a UN bureaucrap. Besides, what the hell could they be so busy "producing" in France and Belgium? There's not a single item in the Imperial "It's not necessarily that people (in the United States) work harder, but Americans may be working more," Johnson said. We'll refresh your memory here, with a quote from up above: Some critics say the short week creates a culture of people so focused on vacation they are unable to concentrate on work. 'Nuff sed. The difference between Europe and the United States might come down to incentives. Working longer in Europe doesn't bring the same economic rewards. Donk, Thy Name is Socialist. Game. Set. Match. In France, the short workweek has been a financial disaster for many unskilled laborers and recent immigrants. Nothing like opening up the floodgates to a tidal wave of unskilled Islamonuts and then setting them up for a financial disaster and a life of misery in the slums of EUnuchistan, eh? Nope. No recipe for disaster there. Move along, people. Nothing to see here. "One of the drawbacks of the 35-hour week is it's a good case of a one-size-fits-all philosophy -- forcing everyone to make the same trade-off between free time and income," Swaim said. And now we have finally come to the crux of the matter. That is a classic case of utter Socialist Elitism run amok, if ever there was one. Hypocrisy, Thy Name is EUropean Socialism. "There are two Frances," said Sabine Syfuss-Arnaud, a reporter for the monthly business magazine L'Expansion, who recently co-authored a report on the economic and social shortcomings of the law. Holy Shi'ite On A Shingle!!! It's a ClueFlu™ epidemic of Biblical Proportions™! Low-skill workers aren't the only ones dissatisfied. Some large companies doing business in France say the restrictions make them less flexible and less globally competitive. French economist: "We'll just shuffle the numbers around a bit, the peasants will never know the difference." But the shorter week might be too entrenched to eliminate. Almost instantly, it became "acquis social" -- an entitlement in French society. Can you say "Donk"? Does "Culture of Entitlement" ring a bell with anyone? "At first it was like utopia and euphoric. There was this idea that we could share the work," Syfuss-Arnaud said. "It was something that was very French and quickly became part of our culture." Flashback to 1917: "At first it was like utopia and euphoric. There was this idea that we could share the work..... and that the first 5-year plan was but a stepping stone to a new Golden Age. It didn't take long for the masses to realize that they had been duped and that the Proletariat Revolution had all been a guise, a ruse. By the time they realized it, it was too late. They could only hang their heads and face the fact that they would never see the light of freedom or the torch of liberty that had been promised them. They wept for the lives lost and the freedom that they would never know." The law has been a boon for do-it-yourself home repair suppliers and businesses that thrive on leisure time, like the French-based sporting goods chain Decathlon. Unless the person who wants to take it away says "Achtung!". Then, it'll be gone quicker than a gross of jelly doughnuts within close proximity of the Massive Moore-on of Michigan™. Sylvain M'Boussa, 30, was recently leaving the "Big Sky" mall in Ivry, a gritty suburb on the outskirts of Paris, with his wife and small children in tow. They had shopped at Carrefours, the French answer to Wal-Mart. M'Boussa, who works as a dispatcher for a messenger service, said the short workweek is great for his family life but disastrous for his wallet. "The free time has allowed me to spend much more time with my family. We've all grown so much closer since we've moved into the cardboard box under the bridge. Watching my family starve, albeit starve together, has been such a wonderful experience! I'd like to personally thank President ChIraq and his fellow Socialists! *pulls out hanky* Now look what you've done! I'm weeping tears of joy! Please, turn off the camera." "I can't save money. I'm thinking of leaving France" to seek better opportunities in Canada or elsewhere, he said. "There, maybe you wouldn't get good health care or pension benefits, but at least for those who want to succeed, there are real opportunities. Here, you're just blocked." Well, at least he's got the general idea. We couldn't have said it much better ourselves. F.E.T.E. *SPIT!* ;) Posted by at 11:01 PM
Like, Whazzup, Dude?
(via LC & IB Serenity) December 6, 2003 -- Struggling 2004 Democratic wannabe John Kerry fires an X-rated attack at President Bush over Iraq and uses the f-word - highly unusual language for a presidential contender - in a stunning new interview with Rolling Stone magazine.Asked whether he was trying to pander to the younger readers of Rolling Stone, Mr. Kerry [...who is rumored to have been in Viet Nam - M.] answered: "Man, that is like, SO totally not true! By the way, did I, like, mention that I was in, like, you know, Viet Nam and stuff?" Posted by Misha at 06:55 PM
20 Most Annoying Liberals of 2003
OK, so His Imperial Majesty seems to have lost himself in a soft, hot, empathic, breathing, authentic, vagina-friendly, relational lava of linky love today, but that's mainly because there's so much damn good stuff out there to read that he doesn't have time to write anything of his own. Take this post by John Hawkins, for instance. Pure genius. Posted by Misha at 06:21 PM
Ask the Emperor
LC Roger writes to us from an undisclosed location at 56 Nevskiy Prospekt, St. Petersburg, Russia (third button from the top on the right, the one where the paint is beginning to flake off), weekdays from 6pm - midnight, to ask us the following question: You know the comfort that you and my fellow Loyal Citizens bring to us Joos, with your blessed expressions of support for embattled Israel (even Orion, though why you'd want some rugby football animal in the Empire, I'll never know). So maybe you and/or the other LC's can tell me. Is there any sense to Israel's "tit for tat" methods of responding to the terror? Does Israel accomplish anything with this retaliation stuff? Isn't it obvious that nothing else will work, that Israel can't survive, short of kicking all the Moslem Arabs completely out of the country, including Gaza and the West Bank? This must be as plain to the Israeli government as it is to me. So why isn't this happening? Maybe I, being a Joo myself, should know, but the rest of them never tell me anything. Hail, Sire LC RogerDear LC Roger, The problem with Eretz Yisrael's "tit for tat" policy is that the tits of the IDF aren't big enough, so to speak. If every paleswinian terrorist tat was replied to with the Mother of all Tits, the already sagging will of the paleswinians would soon become flaccid, and they'd lose all ability to penetrate into... Wait a minute... Is it just us, or has this Imperial Answer wandered off into decidedly strange territory? Where were we? Ah, yes, tits... No, tats... Wait... AS we were saying, there are simply not enough tits to go 'round... ARRGHHH! Scratch that, let's just cut to the chase for now: Kill 'em, kill 'em all. (Not the tits, though) Yours very X-ratedly, Emperor Misha I Posted by Misha at 05:36 PM
More Miserable Failures
Somebody doesn't like the Hildebeest very much. Unless miserable failure is a compliment, which it might be in her case. Beats felon, skanky, commie, traitor whore, doesn't it? Posted by Misha at 05:15 PM
The Democratic Surrender Monkeys, the Party of Islam
(by recommendation of LC JohnH) And a good recommendation too. You're either with us, or with our enemies and their allies, the Democratic Surrender Party. Posted by Misha at 04:59 PM
Another Candidates' Debate (With a Difference)
Forget about scoring the occasional interview with various hotshots. Tuning Spork jumps way ahead of us all by landing an entire Donk Candidates' Debate, complete with extras. Posted by Misha at 04:44 PM
Nice Try, Fuckwads
You know, just like Spoons, I've long had a problem with the nonsense that we "can't question the patriotism of any of the Donks". My main problem is that so many people on our side seem to have fallen for it. Can't question the patriotism of Dhimmi Cah'duh? Puh-leeeeze. Few Americans, Presidents or otherwise, have done more to actively hurt their own country and provide aid and comfort to her enemies than that sniveling, terrorist-loving slug. If HE'S a "patriot", then the word has truly lost its meaning. Or how 'bout Bonior and McDermott, traipsing off to Baghdad to declare loudly that they trust a psychotic mass-murderer and avowed enemy of the U.S. more than their own President. Can't question their patriotism either? Kiss my hairy, Imperial butt. I don't care if it isn't "nice". If it's true, it's true. But I have to hand it to the Demoscum: They've been pretty damn successful in turning that word into a taboo. Well, with some people, at least. Not with this Emperor. Posted by Misha at 09:56 AM
Donk Nastiness Watch
If you thought that the The Imperial BlogFather has a link in this post to a DemoScum attack ad trying to get Dennis "Tinfoil" Kucinich elected by using dead American soldiers as props. Posted by Misha at 08:05 AM
December 07, 2003
'Tis New Blog Showcase Time
As promised, here's this week's Imperial Vote for the New Blog Showcase. This week, the nod goes to Dangerous Liberty for his blow-by-blow commentary on an interview with Sick Al Frankenstein. [This post will stay at the top all Sunday. New material may pop up below, if His Imperial Majesty somehow manages to come up with something] Posted by Misha at 11:58 PM
Day of Infamy
On this the 62nd anniversary of the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, I want you to forget, for once, about the attack itself. Before you proceed to call for a lynch mob and make for the Imperial Palace, however, I'd like to qualify my outrageous statement a bit. I do NOT want you to forget all of the brave souls that died that day and I do NOT want you to forget the righteous anger that the cowardly attack aroused in all true Americans back then. What I WANT you to do is to not leave it at that. When you remember 12/7/41, I want you to remember what we did to the bastards that attacked us. I want you to remember the resolve, determination and sacrifices in the years that followed, because THOSE were the factors that gave us victory. Anger itself is worthless. Anger transformed into action, on the other hand, isn't. Our grandparents' generation transformed their anger into action, and they STUCK WITH IT. THEY didn't allow their resolve to be watered down by defeatism, THEY didn't throw the towel in the ring at the sight of the first setback, and THEY sure as Hell didn't get all pissed off, then sat down to ponder if it was "all their own fault". THEY didn't show up for a candle-lit vigil in the week after Dec. 7th, only to go home the next day to resume whatever they were doing on Dec. 6th, thinking that "they'd done their bit". They stuck with it, through 4 long years of struggle, staring the Devil in the eye, celebrating their victories and dealing with the defeats, never letting go of the throat of the monster until the monster was dead, shunning no sacrifice and, ultimately, doing whatever it took to win, no holds barred. We need to emulate that now. We've been doing "OK" so far, but that isn't good enough. That alone won't win the war. We can continue to "play at war" for a long time, this is true, we certainly have the strength and resources for it, but if we want to WIN it, the gloves have GOT to come off. Islamofascism must not be merely "defeated", it must be vanquished, eradicated, wiped out, exterminated, because anything less than that will only serve to drag the war out indefinitely. They must be shocked and awed by our resolve the way that Tojo had his shit-filled britches scared off of his scrawny legs in '45, in a way that will leave no doubts in their diseased, murderous minds that not only do we have the MEANS to wipe them permanently off the face of the Earth, should we feel that it is necessary, we also have the WILL to DO SO. In THAT department, we've failed miserably so far. The deterrence of our military might is useless as long as we continue to show the insects that we don't really have the nads to use it. No, we don't have to exterminate a billion people to achieve that goal, not even by a long shot, and thank G-d for that. But we DO have to convince the sick, deranged sand nits that we WILL, if need be, and only action will do that. So remember Pearl, by all means. Never let that day pass away into obscurity, but focus your minds on what had to be done to win, because the times may have changed, but the rules still apply. They will never love us, nor should we waste our time trying to make them do so. But we CAN make them fear us, and the sooner we achieve that, the sooner the peace will be won. No mercy, no prisoners, and never forget. Posted by Misha at 02:38 PM
Fisking "The Nation"
No, not I, but Iraq Now, and boy, does he ever Fisk the living daylights out of a particularly nasty piece of moral equivocation from the bird cage liner (if you print it out, obviously, but what did those poor trees ever do to deserve that?) known as "The Nation". (Link thanks to LC JohnH) Posted by Misha at 01:55 PM
The "Solutions" of Socialist Medicine
(Thanks to LC Fiery Celt) The socialist "hospitals" of Great Britain are turning into germ pools and what does the "enlightened" government suggest as a solution? Create more pen-pushers, of course. That's what socialists and other nanny statists always come up with. Throw more money at the problem and hire more of my pen-pushing pals and all of the world's problems will go away. The only thing that government, ANY government, produces is more government. Thus it has always been and thus it always will be. This wouldn't be so bad if government wasn't the poster boy for inefficiency and waste, but there it is. Which would you consider safer, Central Park or your back yard? Which would you consider cleaner, your bathroom or the pissoirs of Paris? Who would you rather entrust with your life, an Evil Capitalist Private American Hospital or the germ vats of Canada or Britain? The Canadians have already answered that one as far as they're concerned, and I can't blame them. Government isn't the solution, it's the PROBLEM. Posted by Misha at 01:31 PM
Terror-Loving Dhimmi Carter
(Via Sharp Knife) Just in case you were wondering whether Dhimmi Carter really IS a miserable failure, this article by Jay Nordlinger, that is best summarized with the words "case closed", should blow away the cobwebs of doubt for good. Or maybe it's more appropriate to label him "Traitor Swine." Posted by Misha at 11:56 AM
Season's Greeting to the Empire
Even an Old, Curmudgeonly and Evil Despot and Tyrant has to give in to the Christmas Message from time to time, and now is just such a good time. LC Paul, apart from donating generously to the Empire (for which we thank him most profusely), sends us a story that he borrowed from the "Trans-Siberian Orchestra", a story so heartwarming that its message just has to be shared. If you're not yet acquainted with the "Trans-Siberian Orchestra", by the way, you could do a lot worse than to correct that error at your earliest opportunity. Anyway, here's the story. Enjoy: It was Christmas Eve and the Lord looked down from above all at His children. It had been nearly two thousand years since the birth of His Son and turning to His youngest angel the Lord said: "Go down to Earth and bring back to me the one thing that best represents everything good that has been done in the name of this day. Posted by Misha at 11:39 AM
Today's Quotable Quote
Sharp Knife has a few choice words to say about transnationalism in this post, but the choicest ones have to be these (which pretty much sums it all up, no further discussion warranted): A country without borders is a bus-stop. After dark. In Beirut. And you're wearing a yarmulke. Jew.Sharp Knife, Your One-Stop Shop For Quotable Quotes. As Seen on TV. Posted by Misha at 12:58 AM
December 06, 2003
Hanoi Jane and the Mysteries of Menopause
Thanks to Imperial Correspondent Oki (who, thank G-d, hasn't been completely lost in her undisclosed location in the middle of who-knows-where), I was finally convinced that I should cast an Imperial Glance on Hanoi Jane's latest incoherent babble. Seems to my trained eye that she badly needs some, but I haven't been able to find a creature willing to volunteer for the task, which may be a good thing. After all, we wouldn't want to miss out on comedy gold like this: Before I turned sixty I thought I was a feminist.And before I turned twenty, I knew that you were a skank, an idiot and a traitor. To this day, I still haven't quite figured out why the latter hasn't led to your dancing at the end of a nice, tough length of hemp, but maybe one day I'll understand. I doubt it, though. I was in a way – I worked to register women to vote, I supported women getting elected. I brought gender issues into my movie roles,The most important of which was "how the hell can a biped be this mindcrushingly ignorant and still remember her lines?" I encouraged women to get strong and healthy,...as opposed to the feeble, sickly wretches that women were until St. Jane of the Communist AA Gun lifted them all up and led them to the Promised Land. I read the books we've all read.Unfortunately, you never bothered to read any of the books that the REST of us have read, such as the numerous tomes with the word "history" somewhere in the title. Or perhaps you did, you just didn't understand them. I had it in my head and partly in my heart, yet I didn't fully get it.Story of your life. See, although I've always been financially independent,...much like any other prostitute. ...and professionally and socially successful,Still high on the rest of the fifth column's "A" list, we're sure. ...behind the closed doors of my personal life...If only you'd keep them closed. Not many of us are interested in the mating habits of primates. I was still turning myself in a pretzel so I'd be loved by an alpha male.Maybe if you'd tried to turn yourself into a human being? Granted, it would've taken quite a lot of doing, but still. Instead you turned yourself into a traitor to your countrymen, a snitch to communist murderers and a whore to any wallet big enough to warrant your attention, the secret desire of Alpha Males everywhere. I thought if I didn't become whatever he wanted me to be, I'd be alone, and then, I wouldn't exist.Which, much to our eternal shame, you still do. Exist, that is. There is not the time nor is this the place to explain why this was true, or why it is such a common theme for so many otherwise strong, independent women. Nor is it the time to tell you how I got over it (I'm writing my memoirs, and all will be revealed).We could help you shorten those memoirs a lot, if you like. After all, they'll probably be ghost-written anyway, so you don't strictly NEED to be around. What's important is that I did get over it. Early on in my third act I found my voice and, in the process, I have ended up alone...but not really. You see, I'm with myself and this has enabled me to see feminism more clearly.Much like every other man-hating FemiNazi out there. Alone, that is, railing against what they secretly desire but can never have. Pitiful. It's hard to see clearly when you're a pretzel.It's even harder to see when some commie interrogator has poked your eyes out with a red-hot nail. Not that you would care. You'd be too busy doing it doggie-style with the butcher to bother. So I want to tell you briefly some of what I have learned in this first part of my third act and how it relates to what, I think, needs to happen in terms of a revolution.Oh wonderful. Another loon calling for "The Revolution"... Would you morons, for the love of all that's good and holy, quit fucking talking about it and get STARTED already? I can't hardly wait. All the filthy commies you can shoot and no bag limit. GET ON WITH IT! Because we can't just talk about women being at the table – it's too late for that – we have to think in terms of the shape of the table. Is it hierarchical or circular (metaphorically speaking)?A "hierarchical table"? Can I have fries with that? While His Majesty is busy taking the commie cunt apart, would one of you LCs please be as kind as to call "Rooms To Go" or "Office Depot" and inquire about that particular kind of table? It sounds intriguing and, if it exists, he HAS to have one. How can he possibly be a Despot Tyrant without one? We have to think about the quality of the men who are with us at the table,If they're at the table with YOU, I can tell you right now what the quality of them are. (Unless they're bound and gagged, of course). ...the culture that is hovering over the table that governs how things are decided and in whose interests."Look! Something's hovering over the hierarchical table! The table that governs us all!" Children: Let this be a warning to you about the brown acid. This is not just about glass ceilings or politics as usual.Good. Because there's no way in Hades that you'll get me to crawl up on your hierarchical table to inspect the ceiling while that culture thing is hovering over it! It looks like it hasn't eaten for months! This is about revolution,It's safe to say that, as of now, there are so many calls for "revolution" from various members of the Loony Left that we can start measuring the activity of the Moonbats in rpms. ...and I have finally gotten to where I can say that word and know what I mean by it and feel good about it because I see, now, how the future of the earth and everything on it including men and boys depends on this happening.Count me out. If you want company at your hierarchical table, you'll have to chase that hovering thing away first. Then it would help if you'd throw yourself out of the window as well. Let me say something about men: obviously, I've had to do a lot of thinking about men,...until you ran out of batteries. ...especially the ones who've been important in my life,Ho Chi Minh, Fidel Castro and the like... ...and what I've come to realize is how damaging patriarchy has been for them. And all them are smart, good men who want to be considered the "good guys."Nothing says "good guy" better than having millions marched off and shot in the back of the head. But the Male Belief System, that compartmentalized, hierarchical,How do you think we came up with the idea for those damn tables you were talking about a moment ago? ejaculatory,You say that as if it's a Bad Thing™? Well, in the case of your father, it WAS, but I digress. andocentric power structure"Andocentric"???? We thought that the Evil Neo-Con Jewish Zionist Illuminati Cabal™ had its HQ in Switzerland, Area 51, under the North Pole or some place like that, and now it turns out that it's in the ANDES? No effin' wonder that I haven't been getting the memos lately. ...that is Patriarchy, is fatal to the hearts of men, to empathy and relationship.Relationships with and empathy for the likes of you, that's for sure. It's actually the whole point. Yes, men and boys receive privilege and status from patriarchy, but it is a poisoned privilege for which they pay a heavy price. If traditional, patriarchal socialization takes aim at girls' voices, it takes aim at boys' hearts – makes them lose the deepest, most sensitive and empathic parts of themselves.That is, of course, pre-supposing that we had that whiny, home-knitting, navel-gazing, tofu-munching group hug mentality to begin with, which we don't. It takes YEARS of liberal indoctrination and conditioning to turn a boy into a snivelling door mat, because it just isn't the natural order of things. Men aren't even allowed to be depressed,We aren't? Good L-rd, what'll happen if we defy that and get depressed anyway? Will we be arrested? ...which is why they engage so often in various forms of self-numbing, from sex to alcohol and drugs to gambling and workaholism.Considering the nature of your metaphors so far (and with worse to come, we assure you), perhaps you should consider laying off the self-numbing too? Patriarchy strikes a Faustian bargain with men.'Cause G-d knows that nothing has helped bring divorce rates back down like FemiNaziism has. Heck, if it wasn't for ugly, man-hating, lesbian hags teaching women that they're being oppressed and that they need to leave that Neanderthal thug behind and run off with the kids (and rip off the Evil Testosterone Bag in divorce court as soon as possible), there's no telling how many families would be breaking up on a daily basis. I'm referring here to real relationship, the showing-up kind, not the "I'll stay with him cause he pays the bills, or because of the kids, or because if I don't I will cease to exist,"...or, indeed, the "damn, there are things bigger and more important in life than hanging out with my lesbian buddies from Gender Studies, such as my *GASP* family"-kind of relationships. Or how about the "life sucks at times, but the sacrifices we make are worth it, compared with the joys of having a family"-kind of relationship? You think I LIKE hauling my tired ass away from my family every fucking day to go slave at the salt mines, you babbling bint? You think I wouldn't love it if I were able to go tell my boss that he could take his job and shove it, so that I could go home and spend the rest of my life with the people that mean more than life to me? You obviously do, you silly slut, but then again, you obviously WERE dropped on your head as a child. Repeatedly, though not hard ENOUGH. ...but relationship where you, the woman, can acknowledge your partner's needs while simultaneously acknowledging and tending to your own. I work with young girls and I can tell you there's a whole generation who have not learned what a relationship is supposed to feel like – that it's not about leaving themselves behind.Because, as we all know, the poor oppressed "womyn" are the only ones having to leave anything behind while us Evil Men are off having the time of our lives working our fingers to the bone, 60 hours a week (if we're lucky). Selfish sow. Now, every group that's been oppressed has its share of Uncle Toms, and we have our Aunt Toms. I call them ventriloquists for the patriarchy.The rest of us call them "mothers" and/or "wives", and we revere, love and respect them. I won't name names but we all know them. They are women in whom the toxic aspects of masculinity hold sway. It should neither surprise nor discourage us. We need to understand it and be able to explain it to others, but it means, I think, that we should be just about getting a woman into this position or that. We need to look at "is that woman intact emotionally," has she had to forfeit her empathy gene somewhere along the way for whatever reason?That's an awfully long-winded way of saying: "We must identify women who aren't as miserable and useless as ourselves, then do our damndest to fuck them up as well." And then, of course, there are what Eve Ensler calls Vagina-Friendly men, who choose to remain emotionally literate.He doesn't like bragging, but His Majesty is definitely one of the most "vagina-friendly" men that ever lived. To the point where he couldn't imagine living in a world without them. It's not easy for them – look at the names they get called: wimp, pansy, pussy, soft, limp, momma's boy.Call me that to my face, bitch, and you'll end up thanking your Maker that I was brought up to not hit a woman, under ANY circumstances. Men don't like to be considered "soft" on anything, which is why more don't choose to join us in the circle.The REAL reason we don't want to join you in your Feminazi circle-jerk is that we're quite comfortable being men and that we don't particularly much feel like offering ourselves up for castration. Actually, most don't have the choice to make. You know why? Because was they are real little (I learned this from Carol Gilligan), like five years or younger, boys internalize the message of what it takes to be a "real man." Sometimes it comes through their fathers who beat it into them.You need to get out more, you twit. I've met "men" who had stuff beaten into them, and, as a result, they're just about the last creatures on Earth that I'd ever call "men". Sometimes it comes because no one around them knows how to connect with their emotions (This is a generational thing).Or maybe we do, we just don't wear them on our T-shirts for all of mankind to see. We DO share them, though. With close friends. We CERTAINLY do not share them with the likes of you, but that doesn't mean that they don't exist. It just means that we know a lost cause when we see one. Sometimes it comes because our culture rips boys from their mothers before they are developmentally ready.Looking at statistics for a moment, it's far more common that boys are ripped from their fathers before they're developmentally ready. Thanks, mainly, to the indoctrination and relentless campaigning from the likes of you. Sometimes it comes because boys are teased at school for crying. Sometimes it's the subliminal messages from teachers and the media.Actually, these days the not-so-subliminal messages from "teachers" and the media are the main reason that boys grow up to be fucked up misfits ashamed of their penises. It can be a specific trauma that shuts them down. But, I can assure you, it is true to some extent of many if not most men, and when the extreme version of it manifests itself in our nation's leaders, beware!I like to take turns, but maybe that's just me. Besides, if you want a democracy, I suggest you move to one. I'll just keep my republic. ...when women, who are a majority, live within a social construct that discriminates against them, keeps them from having their full human rights?Keep Islam out of this, please. But just because Patriarchy has ruled for 10,000 years since the beginning of agriculture, doesn't make it inevitable....which is where Patriarchy comes in. Somebody needs to man the walls while the barbarians are at the gate. We've conquered our predators,No we haven't. There are still well over a billion of them left. ...we've subdued nature almost to extinction,I wonder what the Hades all that green stuff outside the Imperial Palace is, then. ...and there are no more frontiers to conquer or to escape into so as to avoid having to deal with the mess we've left behind. Frontiers have always given capitalism, Patriarchy's economic face, a way to avoid dealing with its shortcomings. Well, we're having to face them now in this post-frontier eraThat's what the contemporaries of Columbus were saying too. No more frontiers, it's the End of History, we're just stuck where we are and we'll never move anywhere ever again. Pardon me for not falling for that one again. ...and inevitably – especially when we have leaders who suffer from toxic masculinity – that leads to war, the conquering of new markets, and the destruction of the earth.First we were going to war to steal the Iraqi oil, and now we're presumably going to war to sell it back to them? However, it is altogether possible, that we are on the verge of a tectonic shift in paradigms – that what we are seeing happening today are the paroxysms, the final terrible death throes of the old, no longer workable, no longer justifiable system.Gee, this would make you the 3,445,876th Idiotarian to confidently predict the end of capitalism, wouldn't it? Look at it this way: it's Patriarchy's third act and we have to make sure it's its last.As a matter of fact, you're desperately praying for it. Not that it's anything new for you to pray for the defeat of your own country, the Hell with the costs. That's why you're a traitor and why you should've been strung up decades ago. We know that this new "preventive war" doctrine will put us on a permanent war footing.Si vis pacem, para bellum. Trust me, Hanoi Jane, when prospective tyrants go shopping for countries to conquer, they don't go for the most well-defended ones. We know there can't be guns and butter, right?No, we don't know that. Seems to me that we have plenty of both, with room for plenty more. We learned that with Vietnam.The only thing you learned from Viet Nam, you commie whore, was how to please the perverted desires of every creature with a red star sewn on its underwear. Don't you fucking DARE mention Viet Nam, you syphilitic sow and traitor to your nation! We know that a Pandora's box has been opened in the Middle East and that the administration is not prepared for the complexities that are emerging.No, we don't "know" that either. What we DO know is that we're doing a marvellous job of adapting to changing situations, to the point where our enemies are forced to lash out ineffectually at targets of little, if any, importance. We know that friends are becoming foes and angry young Muslims with no connection to Al Qaeda are becoming terrorists in greater numbers.No. We KNOW that "friends" have dropped the mask and shown themselves for the enemies that they are, which is good. We won't have to pretend to like them anymore. As to the "angry" young Muslims: Ain't our fault that they're "angry", nor do we care much. If they want to live, they'd do well to curb their "anger". We know that with the new tax plan the rich will be better off and the rest will be poorer.Just like in the past, right? Yes, the rich get richer, but the poor get richer too. Read books, Hanoi Whore, you'll find the experience "enriching". At the moment, our "poor" are better off than most of the middle class in EUnuchistan, that enclave of statism that you adore and admire so much. We know what happens when poor young men and women can only get jobs by joining the military...Because we all know that the military is made up of poor, ign'ant slobs that could never make it on their own, right? If somebody kills this arrogant slut tomorrow, it'll still be too fucking late. ...and what happens when they come home and discover that the day after Congress passed the "Support Our Troops" Resolution, $25 billion was cut from the VA budget. We know that already, families of servicemen have to go on welfare and are angry about it.Odd how we never heard this kind of outrage "on behalf of the troops" from your ilk back when the Klintoons were busy sending our troops off to collect food stamps to survive, isn't it? It's even ODDER why a traitor whore like yourself would think, for a fleeting fucking second, that the soldiers that you betrayed so you could go felch the North Vietnamese would give a flying fuck in a sandstorm for your "concern". Bitch. So, as Eve Ensler says, we have to change the verbs from obliterate, dominate, humiliate, to liberate, appreciate, celebrate. We have to make sure that head and heart can be reunited in the body politic,If you shove your head a few inches further up your crusty asshole, you will, indeed, have succeeded in joining your head and heart. and relationship and democracy can be restored.Some may say that we haven't yet seen what it really is, but we sure as Hades HAVE seen what it's been turned INTO, and we want no part of it. So our challenge is to commit ourselves to creating the tipping point and the turning point. The time is ripe to launch a unified national movement, a campaign, a tidal wave, built around issues and values, not candidates.Can't wait to have an "issue" elected for President for the first time in history. Maybe that hovering thing above your hierarchical table wants to run? That's why V-Day, The White House Project and their many allies are partnering to hold a national women's convention somewhere in the heartland, next June of 2004. Its purpose will be to inspire and mobilize women and vagina-friendly men around the 2004 elections and to build a new movement that will coalesce our energies and forces around a politic of caring.The "do as I say or you won't get any" has already been tried, thankyouverymuch. There will be a diversity of women from across the country who will participate in the mobilization. There will be a special focus on involving young women. There will be a variety of performers and artists acknowledging that culture plays a powerful role in political action.Hooray! Giant puppets!!! There will be a concurrent Internet mobilization. Women's organizations will be asked to sign on and send representatives to the convention.It's times like these that I find myself wishing that I were roaming the highways in a Big Rig equipped for mayhem instead of sitting here. ...of diverse women leaders, celebrities and activists who will work with local organizers to build momentum, sign people up, register them to vote, get them organized and leave behind a tool kit for further mobilization through the election and beyond.Gives a whole new meaning to "drowning in the crimson tide", doesn't it? Allow us to put it bluntly: EWWWRRKKKKK! We will be the flood and we'll be Noah's arc....and I'll be the leader of the wolfpack, waiting patiently with my face against the periscope... Posted by Misha at 10:50 AM
December 05, 2003
Here's Somebody Who Gets It
The only thing better than having an epiphany is somebody else having the epiphany for you. For one thing, it's safer. Imagine going bumper-to-bumper in 80 mph traffic (speed limits? We don't need no zteenkin' speed limits!) and then, just as the myopic bluehair in the left lane finally decides that going 10 mph below posted isn't something you should be doing and decides to pull right, RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF YOU as you're passing on the inside, you have this mindblasting epiphany. Well, you can always finish having it in the local ICU, I guess, but I'd rather not. Bloody hard to do deep thinking with that all of that wheezing and blipping going on around you. Even harder to do so if you're in a coma, but I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes, epiphanies: You know, it gets to be really hard being perpetually angry and pissed off at the cosmically huge amounts of Idiotarianism and Evil going on in the world after a while. Not that I CAN'T, five minutes of watching or reading the news and there's enough stupidity to fill up a week's worth of white-hot ranting and raving and banging the keyboard into submission. How the fuck can anybody NOT be pissed off to the core under those circumstances? It's that it's so damn tiring. It's the kind of thing that makes you want to take up cat-blogging or something along those lines, it's the kind of thing that makes me envy bloggers like Steve H., Laurence Simon and Frank J., just to name three, who can stay on target and be hilariously funny at the same time. In the meantime, I'm finding 20 examples of fluorescent, infuriating idiocy for every one example I can find time to blog about, and the shit just keeps on coming. So it's truly great when somebody like LC & IB Denita TwoDragons comes along and sums it all up with a post like this one. So many of my own thoughts in there and, on top of it, an invigorating and forceful message to those of us that, from time to time, tire a little from tilting at the windmills. My Imperial Thanks to somebody Who Tends the Fires, and does it well. Posted by Misha at 10:04 PM
Bush Hatred
(via American Digest) Wannabe rapper Eminem is reported to be coming out with a new "rap" with lyrics including this: "F--k money. I don't rap for dead presidents.Obviously, Eminem is very aware of the fact that we've gone from being a nation of strong-willed men and women of principle to being a nation of wet blanket pussies afraid to harm a fly, or he would've known full well that he'd lived the longest time when he "composed" this incitement to murder of a U.S. President. In the Empire, on the other hand, you'd be reading this headline the next day: "Rapper Eminem Found With Multiple Gun Wounds to Head, Noose Around Neck and at Least a Dozen Knives Sticking Out of Back" [UPDATE: It seems we've done Eminem wrong here. Reader Nick gives us some more of the lyrics in the comments: "They took away my right to bear armsThis does, undeniably, change the entire message of the song. It changes it so much that I find myself nodding in agreement, as a matter of fact. Thanks, Nick.] Posted by Misha at 09:33 PM
Ah, More Awards...
At least, that's what we expect to receive, once all of you have run off to vote for yours truly in Wizbang's 2003 Awards. We ARE somewhat disappointed that we're only nominated in one category, "Best Conservative Blog", but we guess that they can't ALL have categories such as "Most Unrepentant Asshole", "Foulest Mouth on the Web" and "Most Likely to Have a Lefty Loon Challenge Him to a Fist Fight". Now, go thee hence and vote. Posted by Misha at 03:55 PM
Britain Up In Smoke
Or not, if the twits of The Lancet have their way. Not happy with merely banning smoke in all public places, restaurants and places of worship (OK, so we made that one up), they're now demanding that tobacco be outlawed altogether. You know, back in med school I was always worried that the formaldehyde fumes wafting from the dead bodies (and parts thereof) would eventually fry my brain, and I believe that I've finally found a group of imbeciles that had to take Anatomy at least one too many times. "Smoke on the Water" (that would be the Imperial Sailor Jim, and G-d, that is one sweet looking sloop!) has gone to the trouble of telling the fried brains at The Lancet just how idiotic an idea that would be. Posted by Misha at 03:45 PM
Imperial Justice
So what happens when, say, an Imperial Secretary of War is generously assisted by the Imperial Poet Laureate and Artiste Extraordinaire in producing an Imperial Seal of Office and said Secretary subsequently fails to provide proper and appropriate linkage to said benefactor? Are the Imperial StormTroopers called out? Is the Imperial Torturer told to ready a cell in the Imperial Dungeon? Oh no, much worse than that. The Imperial Poet Laureate will write an ode, just for you. Ahhh... That sharp pen. Posted by Misha at 11:58 AM
December 04, 2003
Ship O' Fools
(via the Puppy Blender) Or should it be "Ship O' Frogs"? December 4, 2003: France is considering quietly retiring their new nuclear powered aircraft carrier...Well, "new" is obviously in the eye of the beholder, seeing as how the Frog Barge was commissioned in '89. Of course, if it were ever to actually leave port, it certainly would be considered quite a "novel" experience. ...and joining with Britain to buy a new carrier of British design. Actually, the French had planned to built a second nuclear powered carrier, but they are having so many problems with the first one that they are quite reluctant about building another one.Translation: They still haven't figured out how to make the first one sail. Britain is building two 50,000 ton conventionally powered carriers, at a cost of $2.5 billion each. France would order a third of this class, and bring down the cost of all three a bit. The new French nuclear carrier "Charles de Gaulle" has suffered from a seemingly endless string of problems. The 40,000 ton ship has cost over four billion dollars so far and is slower than the diesel powered carrier it replaced.Except in reverse. Frogs have always excelled in the field of making military equipment go in reverse. Flaws in the "de Gaulle" have led it to using the propellers from it predecessor, the "Foch," because the ones built for "de Gaulle" never worked right.They tended to fall off, as it were, which is never a good trait in a sea-going vessel, especially when you're trying to get as far away from the enemy as froggily possible. Worse, the nuclear reactor installation was done poorly, exposing the engine crew to five times the allowable annual dose of radiation.Given the french foreign policy, one might say that it's a good thing for the Gauls to get used to "The Glow™", but that would be mean, wouldn't it? There were also problems with the design of the deck, making it impossible to operate the E-2 radar aircraft that are essential to defending the ship and controlling offensive operations.Not that anyone has yet figured out what a french "offensive operation" might look like. It's much like the Yeti, actually. Everybody's talking about it, but nobody has ever actually seen one outside of the world of hallucinations. Many other key components of the ship did not work correctly,...such as the entire crew, who were given to spend all of their time on duty sewing white flags. ...and the carrier has been under constant repair and modification.The most heralded of which was a mythical modification that would actually allow it to leave port. The "de Gaulle" took eleven years to build (1988-99) and was not ready for service until late 2000.Still isn't, unless "service" consists of beeing moored to the nearest brothel while the seamen are busy sampling the wares and smoking Gauloises which, when we're talking about the french, is entirely possible. It's been downhill ever since.Which, coincidentally, pretty much describes the whole "french experience" ever since they managed to get themselves beaten by a group of drunken Roman auxiliaries on shore leave. So the plan is to buy into the new British carrier building program...Following the tried and true First Law of Getting Things Done in france: Getting somebody else to do them. ...and keep the "de Gaulle" in port and out of trouble as much as possible.Something the french have vast experience in. As long as enough white sheets are handy, of course. The British have a lot more experience building carriers,That's pretty much a given. The SWISS have more experience in building carriers than the french. There are hitherto undiscovered species of insects living in the deepest part of the Amazon that have more experience in building carriers than the french. ...and if there are any problems with the British designed ship, one can blame the British.Another field in which french expertise is second to none. Posted by Misha at 11:12 PM
Mr. Kettle? We've Got a Mr. Pot on Line Two For You
You know, His Imperial Annoyingness, having been immersed in what passes for "news" at ABCCNNNBCCBS just like the rest of you, has been laughing his merry butt off ever since the U.S. media were accused of being "too biased in favor of the Administration". Of course, this outburst of Imperial Mirth was greatly helped by the fact that the accusation came from Greg Dyke, director general of the BBC. Yes, that BBC. The one that has found itself under intense scrutiny since it went so all-out berserk in its support of Saddam that it drove one of their sources to suicide. This is what passes for "fair and balanced" in the UK these days. LC & IB Greyhawk of the Mudville Gazette, on the other hand, didn't merely sit down and laugh his tuchis off, he actually decided to dig into the issue and see if our media were, indeed, as horribly guilty of "banging only one side of the drum" as Mr. Dyke [one more joke about his name and I'll call the Stormtroopers, I swear! This is se... *chuckle* SERIOUS business, dammit! - M.] alleged in defense of his own The result is one hell of a post which should lay Mr. Dyke's delusions to rest forever. If he could read, that is. All of you, on the other hand, CAN. And you should. Posted by Misha at 08:09 PM
Ninth Circus Court Sides With Terrorism
(Link thanks to LC Matthew) Well, we all knew it was coming, and here it is: The Ninth Circus Court of Clowns have finally crossed over from being mere idiots to actively providing aid and comfort to an enemy of the United States in times of war. Seems we WILL finally see the joyous day where judges are dangling from lampposts while crows feast on their eyeballs. We can't hardly wait. Those long, black robes flapping in the wind, while excrement drips from their limp, lifeless feet. SAN FRANCISCO — In a potential blow to the Bush administration's legal strategy in the war on terror, a federal appeals court overturned part of a sweeping law the government has increasingly used to arrest or prosecute suspected terrorists.Get that? It's "unconstitutional" to punish people for providing training and/or personnel to our enemies. You know, the same people that turned four of our planes into cruise missiles a little over two years ago. Don't you just LOVE the 9th Circus? Maybe they should just go ahead and institute Shari'ah in the 9th Circuit right away? Maybe they should all just hang? The ruling also requires the government to prove that defendants knew their activities, such as donating money to outlawed groups, were actually contributing to acts of terror.Because, as we all know, the courts have been positively SWAMPED with such cases. Reductio ad absurdem, live before your eyes, performed by a "judge". In addition, the court wrote that it is unconstitutional to criminalize donations of personnel or training, which fall under the "material support" section of the law, because that "blurs the line between protected expression and unprotected expression."I must have missed the part of the Constitution that mentions providing training or personnel to an armed enemy of the United States as being "protected expression". Is slicing open the gut of a black-robed traitor and strangling him with his own guts for being a terrorist-loving swine ALSO "protected expression", by any chance? If so, look out, because somebody's got an appointment with the Imperial Broadsword. Normally I'd just await the usual strike-down of yet another idiotic ruling from the most struck down circuit court in the nation, but this is beyond the fucking PALE. A mere "strike-down" won't suffice this time. These terror-loving traitors deserve the noose, nothing less. Posted by Misha at 07:19 PM
Geniuses in *spit* france *spit*
(Link thanks to LC Tanker S.) A Jewish pupil attending a highly rated Paris secondary school was repeatedly beaten up by Muslim fellow pupils."Non! Zere is NO connection between la Mooselimb population and le anti-Semitisme in la belle france, any such claims are atrociouse and must be suppressed at ONCE! "The headmaster filed a lawsuit against the two aggressors."Religion of Peace?" Keep it up, you Moon God worshipping camel felchers, and we'll finish the job we didn't quite finish in Nuremberg. We can't wait to hear you begging for your miserable lives while you piss your robes and crap on your Q'urans. The headmaster moved the Jewish boy to another class within the 1,800 pupils secondary school. The victim is currently under tranquilizers, according to the French weekly "Le Journal du Dimanche".And the perps SHOULD be under 6 feet of topsoil. But that won't happen in *spit* france *spit*. The victims are only Joos, after all, and we all know how the french love shipping them off to "camp". The Lyc e Montaigne is located in one of the most exclusive areas of Paris opposite the Luxembourg garden.No, no foot-dragging at all. The kid has been assaulted and threatened with the murder of him and his family and friends repeatedly, and all that you snail-munching, effeminate surrender monkeys can think to do is to "organize a debate" while you tranquilize the victim. Nice, REAL nice. "The issue is very complex. There is obviously a victim that should be protected,You can hear it coming from ten thousand miles away, can't you? Of course you can: but there are no admission and no witnesses willing to testify. We're in a dead-end."Yeah. You got a beat up kid on tranqs and a bunch of ragheaded sand nit perpetrators that should be retroactively aborted with a pitchfork, yet you're at a "dead-end", according to your Inspector Clouseau-like deductive abilities. Of course, what he's REALLY saying is: "We know they did it, but the victim is a bastard Jew, so he obviously had it coming. Besides, the imam that I spent all of last night licking the sweaty scrotum of wouldn't like it if I actually DID anything about the darling little boys." Other Jewish pupils at Lyc e Montaigne decided to take off their "Hai" and Magen David necklaces.No. What they SHOULD be wearing is Uzis. Then they should proceed to mow down every last motherfucking ONE of the stinking little goat herders. They could use the *spit* french *spit* for target practice in between. It's not like it would be a great loss to humanity, after all. Nuke france, and nuke it fucking NOW! Posted by Misha at 06:45 PM
Misha the Emperor Goes Quality Surveying...
(Link thanks to LC Brummbar, Count Palatine of Long Island) The "Religion of Peace" (my ass), clinging desperately to their myth of the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" being a historical document, rather than the sick concoctions of a bunch of Jew-hating insects, have decided to proudly display a copy of it right next to the Torah in the New Alexandria Library (funded, in part, by your tax dollars, thanks to UNESCO). Why? Well, they state the reasons thusly: 'The Protocols of Zion Are More Important Than the Torah'Funny you should mention that, because it just so happens that the Imperial Dept. of Research has come out with a report titled: "The Paper Quality of Charmin™ is Higher than that of the Qu'ran" And trust us, we've tried both. Repeatedly. The soft, almost velvety feel of Charmin™ caresses the discerning butt even during the worst bouts of the trots, whereas the coarse, scratchy paper of the Qu'ran does nothing other than irritate your posterior, not to mention the fact that, no matter how hard you scrub and no matter how much feces you manage to transfer to the Suwar, there always seems to be some left in your crack, and frankly, that's both unhygienic and just plain nasty. Alternative uses for the criminally low-grade paper could not be found, although the dogs seem quite happy pissing on it. Not enough paper in there for it to be a practical option, though. This has been a Public Service Announcement from the Imperial Research Dept. Posted by Misha at 06:16 PM
Oh, So THAT'S What the "Principled" Left Is All About?
The Daily Ablution has done some digging and sums up the Mission Statement of the Loony Left in this post. Of course, we've all known this for quite some time. We were going to try to reach the mass media for comments, but they were too busy concluding that a fake turkey proves beyond a reasonable doubt that President Bush is the anti-Christ, lied about Iraq and is personally responsible for every war dating back to the First Punic one, not to mention global warming, local ozone alerts, acid rain and those annoying DVD shrink wraps that can't be opened by anything less than a thermonuclear strike. We used to think that "dead tree media" referred to the material that paper was made of. It's increasingly clear to us, however, that it refers to the contents of the skulls of the editors. [UPDATE: In case you'd like to hear the impressions of an actual SOLDIER who was actually THERE, you might want to go read BlackFive, because he's got just the kind of letter you're looking for] Posted by Misha at 09:48 AM
December 03, 2003
The True Face of the Left
It is quite often, as illustrated by his recent prestigious award, that His Imperial Majesty is taken to task for being "too harsh" on the "peaceful" dissenters who are, after all, only voicing their disagreement in the most noble of American traditions. A Loyal Citizen and photographer from the San Francisco area sent us a picture taken at the February 16, 2003 "anti-war" protest there. The picture shows a banner prominently displayed by the main organizers of this "honorable" protest, International A.N.S.W.E.R., and we (and anybody else who might feel inclined to do so) have been granted permission in full to show and distribute it as we see fit. It would seem that we have to, since our "free and unbiased press" seems to not have seen a thing, so here it is, an example of the "noble dissenters" to whom all due respect and tolerance must be shown, lest you be named an intolerant fascist prick: Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you the true face of the left:  If this is what the "compassionate and open-minded" among you are willing to "tolerate", then go right ahead. But count us out, and don't come whining to us if you find a nail-studded ClueBat™ crammed up a very sensitive part of your anatomy if you should be skullcrushingly stupid enough to display your Biblical good-naturedness within whacking distance of yours truly. Because THIS Angry American won't stand for that kind of anti-Semitic shit. You have been warned. Posted by Misha at 10:39 PM
Pacifism and Irresponsibility
LC & IB Ironbear explains why the two are one and the same, and he's absolutely right. I have no problem with some people being pacifists, not at all. For one thing, they won't be cluttering up the gene pool for very long and, for another, they don't hurt me. As long as they stay the Hell away from me and stop trying to tell ME what to do to defend me and mine. The moment they do that, they're fair game and, if you convince them to zig zag as they run, make for nice target practice too. Posted by Misha at 08:18 PM
More Signs That We're Losing
(Link thanks to LC Fiery Celt) Well, we may not be losing it HERE yet, but with shit like this going down overseas, it can't be long until the UK will be known as Dhimmistan. A British prison officer with more than 20 years service was sacked for making an insulting remark while on duty about terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden, a London newspaper said today.After 21 years of spotless service, this man is fired because he might have offended somebody who might believe that the mass murder of civilians is a wonderful thing. It's a good thing Idiotarianism wasn't this rampant in Britain during WWII, or we suspect that the entire British Army would've been court martialed for making jokes about Hitler. And before you get too snarky and start saying "well, that would never happen HERE", we'd like to remind you that we have a strange habit of court martialing U.S. officers for scaring terrorists. We either STOP fucking playing around with this war, RIGHT THIS FUCKING MINUTE, or we might as well get ready for Shari'ah. Posted by Misha at 08:02 PM
And About Bloody Time Too
First things first: The fix is in in the RightWingNews' 2003 Warblogger Awards and, much to His Majesty's pleasure, he's managed to snatch the coveted "Most Annoying Right-Of-Center Blogger." We'd like to say that we didn't know what we'd done to deserve this honor, but we'd be lying, because we know damn WELL what we've done and we're intensely proud of it too, so let's just cut that part of the acceptance speech out, shall we? As a matter of fact, let's cut out that whole being thankful business altogether. We wouldn't want to lose the title to some mildly offensive upstart nun next year, now would we? Yes, we're annoying. We bug the living SHIT out of people (and you all know just WHAT kind of people, don't you?), and we're loving every last nanosecond of it. "You're no-one 'till somebody hates your everloving guts", as the song goes, and boy are we SOMEBODY, judging by our convincing and devastating win in that category. So here's to pissing off prudes, annoying the sweet bejeebus out of loony libs, immolating idiotarians, pestering PCniks, hurting the feewings of "progressives", socking it to socialist shitheels, giving the heave-ho to gun grabbers, belittling bureaucrappers, insulting the "intelligentsia", shredding Saddamites, deep-sixing Donks and frightening the horses. You hate us, you really, really HATE us! We've rarely been more proud. And, to further illustrate how we're putting our Imperial Boot Imprint on the faces of Idiotarians, it is with no small amount of pride and joy that we can announce that we've put our name on the map of the Blogosphere. Eat our Imperial Dust! Or, as we'll practice saying in the future: "How may we piss you off today?" Posted by Misha at 07:36 PM
Killin' Made Easy
His Imperial Majesty hasn't gotten himself worked into a blind rage over the activities of Suffice it to say that this article, "The predators of Planned Parenthood" by the always excellent Michelle Malkin says all that he needs to say on the matter of Now, His Imperial Viciousness is hardly what you'd call a "prude", nor does he dispute the value of teaching your children in order to help them avoid at least a few of the mistakes that they'll make anyway, being teens and all, but when you start a website devoted to telling teens that fucking everything that walks is "perfectly OK" and that, should your activities have "consequences" (i.e. a child), then it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to go have it executed for the crime of getting in the way of your sexual "awakening". Wouldn't want to interrupt your promiscuous exploits for longer than absolutely necessary, right? Well, go have a pill and you'll shit out that nasty little "glob of cells" quicker'n blowing your nose, after which it's off to banging the next guy that winks at you. One not enough? Ask Teenwire, they'll tell you it's just peachy to boink them both. Heck, bring a girlfriend if you want, it's all OK. Anything Goes, come one, come all. RU-486? Perfectly safe. Nobody's ever died from it (this will come as a surprise to the parents of Holly Patterson, we're sure). Emotional after-effects? None, or next to none. Mostly relief (yes, that's what they say. They might as well have said "you'll be SO relieved once you've killed that nasty little critter, anything else is secondary). And on and on it goes, including legal expert advice in how to kill your baby without your parents knowing. Don't believe it? Check out the site yourselves, but bring a barf bag. Sickening, truly sickening. But then again, what would you expect from an organization that specializes in murdering the unborn, as many as possible too? (Link thanks to LC Jim) Posted by Misha at 07:10 PM
Kucinich is From Venus, Dean is From "Who the Fuck Knows Where"...
LGF is turning out to be a right royal feast when it comes to illustrating just what a cosmically clueless cunt Howard "Repeal the First!" Dean is: "The most interesting theory that I've heard so far - which is nothing more than a theory, it can't be proved - is that he was warned ahead of time by the Saudis," Dean told a caller to Washington, D.C's Diane Rehm Show, according to a transcript obtained by Opinion Journal.com.Sheesh, Polly Pothead Parrot, could you at least try to be subtle about it, or is that too much to ask as well? Dean is obviously trying to plant a meme and steal Dennis "Waiting for the Smurf Endorsement" Kucinich's thunder at the same time. In other news, Howard the Dumb Duck doesn't think it matters much whether Osama('s remains) and Saddam are tried in the Hague or in the U.S: DEAN: Again, we are allowing the Bosnian war criminals to be tried at The International Court in The Hague. That suits me fine. As long as they’re brought to justice and tried, and so far we haven’t had to have that discussion because the president has not been able to find either one of them.Another winning Dean Strategery, right up there with bashing the Southerners in order to get our votes. You may not care whether the terrorist scum is brought to justice in the U.S. or afforded a room with a view, spa, three squares a day and escort service in the Hague, Deanovich, but we have a feeling that the voters might. Finally, Dean "Don't Know Much About Nothing" displays his stunning insight into geopolitics with this little gem: The Soviet Union is supplying much of the equipment that Iran, I believe, most likely is using to set itself along the path of developing nuclear weapons. We need to use that leverage with the Soviet Union and it may require us to buying the equipment the Soviet Union was ultimately going to sell to Iran to prevent Iran from them developing nuclear weapons.Well get right on it, Mr. "President", as soon as you'll point our people in the general direction of the Soviet Union that you repeatedly urge us to put under pressure. We can't seem to find it anywhere, but surely a statesman of your massive intellect can enlighten us plebes? I thought I'd never find myself saying this, but Dan Quayle is beginning to look smart by comparison. Now excuse my Imperial Self while I go roar with laughter. I've flushed things more intelligent than this presidential candidate. Karl Rove was right: Dean's our man. Posted by Misha at 02:06 PM
Well, That's ONE Way of Solving the Problem
Quite a lot of us are not only sick and tired of watching the EUroweenies passively allowing a resurgence of anti-Semitism, we're downright friggin' OUTRAGED. There seems to be a lot of policy makers in EUnuchistan who haven't quite yet figured out just HOW damn serious the rest of us are when we say NEVER AGAIN. Synagogues are burned down, Jewish cemetaries are desecrated with nazi slogans and swastikas, Jewish school children are assaulted and beaten up on their way to shul etc. etc., and what do the EUronazis do? They commission a study. "A first step", you say? Well, I might have agreed to a point, at least until it turned out that the EUnuch neo-nazis of Brussels didn't like the fact that the results of the study were less than flattering to one of their pet protected "minorities", and, as a result of it being illegal to say "nasty" things about Muslims in EUnuchistan, they deep sixed it. Of course, having grown up in the PC-Idiotaria of EUroweeniestan, I wasn't particularly surprised, but I WAS pissed off, and right royally so. It's quite obvious to me and a lot of others that the Slave Masters of the Grand EUrinal have no intentions of doing their duty and protecting their citizens (if they're Jewish) and, in view of this as well as my commitment to never seeing another Kristallnacht anywhere in the world, it's equally obvious to me that somebody else needs to do it FOR them. Tom Paine of "Silent Running" has an idea: What would the political effect be of several hundred American, Australian, New Zealand and English Jews being deployed in key continental cities to patrol neighbourhoods where attacks on Jews have taken place?Sounds perfectly good to me. Not only would I support such a solution, I'd do my damndest to raise the funds for it, because it most assuredly wouldn't be free. Sneaking automatic weaponry into Shari'ah EUnuchistan isn't impossible, but it isn't cheap either. No, I don't care. The EUnuchs have decided to ignore the rise of anti-Semitism because they think it's "cheaper" to just let the Muslims murder the Jews. Let's prove them wrong, shall we? NEVER AGAIN! Posted by Misha at 10:20 AM
December 02, 2003
...And Boy, Do They HATE Her!
Remember how the President didn't eat at all while in Baghdad, but spent his time serving the troops instead? Well, that's not how the Hildebeest played it in Bagram, Afghanistan. We just hope the troops like cold turkey, because that's all they got from HER visit. TWICE. [UPDATE: And if you think that that's one of Steve H's better posts, it's just because you haven't read this one. If you read nothing else today, make sure this is what you read. Friggin' EXCELLENT!] Posted by Misha at 08:52 PM
Everybody Hates a Hildebeest
Mickey Kaus reminds us why we should read his stuff more, seeing as how we're always looking for a SANE voice on the left, and slams the Hildebeest severely for what he terms "more of a 'stunt' than Bush's". Here's a quote: Hillary's criticism isn't a real criticism or an honest criticism, it's a strategic, partisan criticism, and it's the sort of un-straight talk she should drop when she's talking to the troops in a war zone.The rest is just as good. Read it all. (Link thanks to LC JohnH) Posted by Misha at 08:22 PM
What Do You Call Someone Who Saves An Elderly Person's Life In St. Petersburgh, FL?
Well, if you answered "Hero", you'd be wrong. At least according to the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office. They prefer to call that person "Inmate at the County Jail".
ST. PETERSBURG - A 71-year-old man was arrested for firing a gun at three men beating up his 63-year-old friend, striking one of the men in the arm, deputies said. (Emphasis mine---B.) The "men" were in their twenties (at least the dickless wonder who was identified) and were kicking the shit out of a 63-year-old man, who had the unmitigated gall to confront the fuckwitted, pussified morons for "banging on neighborhood cars and making a ruckus". Yep. That's reason enough to kick and beat a person to death. Melvin B. Spaulding held up his .22-caliber pistol and told the men to stop hitting and kicking his friend George Lowe. When they didn't listen, he fired the gun, Pinellas County Sheriff's spokesman Tim Goodman said. Ever heard of the term "Fair Warning"? And PCS spokesman Goodman then proceeds to utter one of the dumbest fuckwitticisms that we've ever had the displeasure of hearing......... "I'm sure he was concerned for his friend's safety...," Goodman said. "The use of a weapon to stop a confrontation is not the right way. He would have been better off calling 911." (Emphasis mine---B.) Okay. Quick! Three young, dimwitted thugs are kicking your 63-year-old friend to death in front of you. What do you do?! A)Pull out your gun, yell at the street trash pussies to cease and desist, then fire when the bastards don't stop kicking the shit out of your 63-year-old friend. or B) Go inside your house (leaving your 63-year-old friend to the tender ministrations of said assnuggets) to the call 9-1-1 and wait the 10 minutes it takes the cops to get there? Sorry, Spokesman Tim, we'll opt for "A", in this case.
James T. Moore, 20, was treated for the gunshot wound at Bayfront Medical Center and was arrested for an unrelated battery charge earlier the same night. If the person who was assaulted by this sewer-dwelling troll, earlier the same night, had been armed, then maybe the 63-year-old man wouldn't have had the shit kicked out of him by said assmunch and his Troglodyte sidekicks. (Apologies to Troglodytes everywhere.) Spaulding, who had no criminal record in Florida, acknowledged firing the gun, according to sheriff's records. He was being held without bail in Pinellas County Jail. A man, without a criminal record in the state, who saved his 63-year-old friend's life, is HELD WITHOUT BOND, while habitual offenders, with rap sheets longer than Helen Thomas' drooping, Jurassic labia, are let out of jail the same night as they are arrested on $250 bonds? Yep. That's JUSTICE, St. Pete-style. The Pinellas-Pasco State Attorney's office would carfully investigate the case before deciding whether to file an attempted murder charge against Spaulding, prosecutor Bruce Bartlett said. Yeah. You guys had BETTER study the case carefully, alright. If not, you'll think the riots from a few years ago were a Sunday picnic. Oh. No, wait. Spaulding is "white", so the Democratic community in South St. Pete won't be up in arms over the incarceration of a truly innocent hero, instead of rioting over the shooting death a 16-year-old habitual felon who tried to kill a cop who had stopped him, in a stolen car, by running over him in said stolen car. There will be peaceful protests outside the courthouse if charges are brought up against Mr. Spaulding. You know, that's how those Eeeeeevil Conservatives™ do things. Think we can get Jesse, Al and King Louie to come down and give a "ShoutOut!" for the "Free Melvin" movement? Naaaaaah. Wrong amount of melanin involved. F.E.T.E. Note: Thanks to LC Robb Allen for the original linkage. (We saw the story on the local news last night, but he sent the link.) Also, if you'd like to view a news story on this situation, click here. (Not for the Connectivity-Challenged™) UPDATE: As of 11 P.M. (12/2), or thereabouts, Mr. Spaulding has been released on his own recognizance. But, as of this posting, he's still being charged with "attempted murder". We'll see if the DA has the foresight or cojones to drop the charges A.S.A.P. once they've had their morning cup of coffee, tomorrow, and realize "WTF were the Sheriff's Deputies THINKING?!!". Posted by at 07:41 PM
What, He Fisks TOO???
Other than being the Imperial Firearms Advisor and one HECK of a knowledgeable gentleman to boot, he also swings a mean FiskBat of Doom™. Is there no END to that man's talents??? Verily, I bless the day that I made his and his equally astoundingly brilliant and kind wife's acquaintance. I only wish I could spend more time with them. Well, I've had a subtle threat about what'd happen if I don't MAKE the time before Christmas issued to me by the Mrs. du Toit, so I'd better get cracking :) Posted by Misha at 07:39 PM
Lessons Learned
To those of you about to ship out to defend all of us, I've got two requests: 1) Please please PLEASE find a way for me to sneak along with you and 2) The Imperial Armorer and Keeper of the Imperial Arsenal of Doom™ has an ESSENTIAL post up on the lessons we've learned in Iraq so far. Please read it, and may G-d Bless You All! Posted by Misha at 07:10 PM
The Mask Slips Again
...and if he keeps letting it happen this way, SS-Obersturmbannführer Dean of Vermont soon won't be able to hide the toothbrush moustache beneath the makeup any longer. Dean: I'd 'Break Up' Fox News"...he was then seen slapping his right arm violently with his left, apparently trying to keep it from flying up in some sort of salute." Listen carefully to Herr Reichsführer-wannabe Dean. He's NOT saying that he'll "break them up" based on their size or the "unfairness" towards the competition, which would be bad ENOUGH in an allegedly free country, he's stating point blank that he'd break them up BECAUSE HE DISAGREES WITH WHAT THEY SHOW! Fascism, much? A moment later the "Hardball" host pressed: "Seriously. As a public policy, would you bring industrial policy to bear and break up these conglomerations of power?"...the plopping sounds were either his feet being pulled out of his mouth or his brain falling out of his ears... ...and began to equivocate, saying, "I don't want to answer whether I would break up Fox or not."Sorry, you NAZI fuck, but you JUST DID! What made his pathetic attempt at back-pedaling from his sick, perverted outcry against the First Amendment look even worse was his follow-up, although we're sure that the Nazi from Vermont thought he was being awfully clever: The leading Democrat then explained, "What I'm going to do is appoint people to the FCC that believe democracy depends on getting information from all portions of the political spectrum, not just one."In other words: You just repeated that you'd revoke people's right to free expression (there's that pesky First Amendment again, GOTTA hate it, right, Herr Dean?) based on their opinions. Again: Fascism, much? Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead and tell us that it'd NEVER HAPPEN, because nobody EVER got away with violating the Constitution. Tell it to the students who'll be turned away from Michigan U in the future because Sandra Day & the Supreme Whores just endorsed racism as a "compelling interest". Posted by Misha at 06:54 PM
Well, Here It Is...
Remember the report about EUroweenie anti-Semitism that the EUnuchs didn't want us to see because it didn't like the fact that their new friends in the Kaffiyeh'ed Kountries of Kamelistan were mentioned unfavorably in it? Well, here it is, in .pdf form. [UPDATE: LC Aelfheld suggests that it might be a good idea to save a copy while it's still available, because it might not be for long. We agree. Oh, and gratuitous shout out for the Imperial Birth Country: The link points to a Danish TV channel's server.] (Thanks to LC & IB Mamamontezz) Posted by Misha at 06:38 PM
Judge. Rope. Tree.
Some assembly required. (Link thanks to LC & IB Mamamontezz) A "judge" of San Diego, one William Mudd (obviously named for the substance between his ears where a brain should normally be found), has decided to turn a kiddy diddling piano teacher loose, a monster who molested three girls, one of them 9 years old. Prosecutors said that Jose Emilio Gonzales molested three young girls during their lessons.COMMUNITY SUPPORT??? If that subhuman collection of cells has support from his community, then the entire friggin' community should be napalmed repeatedly! Prosecutors expected Gonzalez to be free by Monday night.Let the hunt begin. Bonus points if Gonzalez is found beaten to death with one of "justice" Mudd's torn-off limbs.  This is what the scum looks like, in case anybody should be interested. Posted by Misha at 06:31 PM
December 01, 2003
Sturmbannführer Carter Speaks Again
Well, we guess we COULD excuse him partially by taking his rapidly advancing senility into consideration, but then again, why should we? The anti-Semitic Peanut Farmer has once more decided to come out and help the paleswinians finish Adolph's job, much to nobody's surprise. Former US president Jimmy Carter unleashed a fierce attack against the Israeli and American governments in his speech at the Geneva Accord ceremony here.How DARE we defend ourselves? Once again, Jimmeh "Killer Wabbit" Peanut proves that he hasn't quite gotten his diminutive brain wrapped around this whole "cause and effect" thing. They hit us, we hit them back. If that pisses them off, good. Pissed off enemies are even EASIER to kill. "The present administration in Washington has been invariably supportive of Israel, and the well-being of theOdd, isn't it? We look at the risk toddlers in Israel run every day of being nail-shredded by one of the paleswinian terrorists, then we look at the paleswinian unemployment rate, and we decide that the former is more deserving of our attention than the latter. Listen, you dense block of cement, it's quite simple: The palis either stop blowing up innocents or they die. If they stop, we'll talk. If they don't, we'll shoot. "Without a resurrection of strong and unbiased American influence, Israeli and Palestinian extremists will prevail."The situation is biased. On one hand, you have child murderers blowing up restaurants and buses, on the other hand you have a democracy trying desperately to stop that from happening. For us to be "unbiased" in such a situation would be the same as saying that maybe Hitler had a point. "There is no doubt that the lack of real effort to resolve the Palestinian issue is a primary source of anti-American sentiment throughout the Middle East and a major incentive for terrorist activity."Fortunately, we don't run our country according to what a bunch of medievalist child murderers think we should do. I don't really CARE why the kaffiyeh'ed kamel fuckers are seething, as a matter of fact they can seethe all they want, but they'd damn well BETTER keep their fucking seething to themselves or we'll get REALLY angry, and they wouldn't like us if we got really angry. Carter said settlements in Judea, Samaria, and the Gaza Strip and the security fence are the main obstacles to peace.What happened to that whole "Habitat for Humanity" deal of yours, Jimmeh? Oh, we forget. According to the likes of you, Jews aren't part of humanity. And if somebody keeps running into your home and blowing up your family, it makes perfect sense to lock the door. You'd be an idiot not to. He called repeatedly for the return of Palestinian refugees to the territories, beyond what is called for in the Geneva Accord.Yeah, let's have some more terrorists. We hear that Ham-ass are running kinda low on cannon fodder. Senior government officials dismissed Carter's comments as irrelevant. "Does anyone really care what Carter has to say?" one said.Only inasmuch as it gives me material for Imperial ass-whuppings. I find that amusing. Reminded that the former president is a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize and, as a result, enjoys widespread international recognition and standing, the official said, "Arafat also received the prize, what does it mean?I want the name of that official, RIGHT NOW! The man needs a friggin' MEDAL! "Carter apparently doesn't realize that Palestinian terrorism has killed 900 Israelis over the last three years. He should take a visit to our cemeteries and see what Arafat brought upon us after being offered everything [former prime minister Ehud Barak offered him at Camp David and Taba."If it wouldn't be desecrating the ground of Eretz Israel to do so, I think we should give him a nice little plot of his own. "With massive financial and political incentives from the Israeli government over the past decade, the number of Israeli settlements has skyrocketed," Carter said.No. There is one basic choice for the paleswinians: Do you want to live or do you want to continue killing the Jews? As per usual, Jimmeh the Coward is too busy to surrender to another dictator to even consider that, of course. He said it is of equal importance that Palestinians renounce violence against Israelis, but he said this must happen in exchange for commitment to the Geneva Accord.No again. They need to renounce AND end it, RIGHT FUCKING NOW! In exchange for that, they get to live. If they don't understand that killing civilians is wrong and needs to end, unilaterally and RIGHT THIS FUCKING INSTANT, BEFORE, not AFTER negotiations start, then I don't honestly give a shit whether they're wiped off the face of the planet, every last fucking one of them. Carter said the main flaw of the US-brokered road map is its step-by-step approach, which he said has allowed Israel to stop its advance by building "an enormous barrier wall" and with "the colonization of Gaza."Kinda hard to "colonize" your own territory, isn't it? As you may recall, you blithering babboon, Gaza used to be part of Egypt, and was ceded after they lost a war of aggression against Israel. Too bad, so fucking sad. "The people support a peace settlement, but political leaders are the obstacle to peace," he said.What people, you drooling dimwit? Last poll I read, the paleswinians overwhelmingly supported the terror bombings of Israeli civilians. Carter said not a single word of the peace agreement he negotiated between Israel and Egypt has been violated.Of course not. He probably doesn't want to look like an idiot. Sadly for him, his mere existence is more than enough for that. He said peace prevailed after the Oslo Accords were signed in 1993, but the peace was extinguished by Palestinian suicide bombers and rocket attacks and by Israeli house demolitions.Suicide bombings and rocket attacks = demolishing the homes of terrorists. Welcome to the moral equivalence of History's Greatest Monster. Again: "Cause and effect" is lost on the likes of Jimmeh the Tumblefuck. Carter also called for the implementation of the Saudi initiative, which called on the Arab world to recognize Israel in return for Israel accepting into its borders the 4 million Palestinians who claim to be refugees."We'll recognize your right to exist, as long as you cease to exist first." If memory serves me right, Hitler tried that one too by offering to abide by a referendum in the Polish Corridor, as long as he got to send every German who claimed to be a former resident in there before the vote. Not surprisingly, the Saudis are up to speed on the tactics of the Austrian paper hanger. They, and their paleswinian friends, idolize him, after all. Other speakers in the ceremony included Nobel laureates Lech Walesa of Poland and John Hume of Northern Ireland.For once, the old canard "fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity" seems to be appropriate. Both Palestinian and Israeli speakers criticized the government of Israel. Neither criticized the PA leadership."Dog Bites Man, Film at 11" Lord Michael Levy read a letter from British Prime Minister Tony Blair endorsing the initiative and calling for a return to the negotiating table."Blah-di-dah-di-blah-di-Blair" Blair, French President Jacques Chirac, former Czech president Vaclav Havel, and former US president Bill Clinton sent warm messages. Former South African president Nelson Mandela addressed the gathering by video.It will - if you don't. There was no formal signing of the agreement, but following their speeches, two of the accord's architects, former justice minister Yossi Beilin and former PA information minister Yasser Abed Rabbo clasped hands, bringing the audience to its feet amid thunderous applause....saying all anybody needs to know about how much attention we need to pay to this the latest conference for anti-Semitism. The event was sealed with a song called "Generation Demands Peace," written especially for the event and sung by the Palestinian group Dam and the Israeli group Fools of Prophecy.What? Not a single "Kumbayah" in there? I'm disappointed. The ceremony was a brief moment of self-congratulatory celebration......the word you're looking for is "circle jerk"... after the end of the hard negotiations and before the difficult task of publicizing the accord and building on its momentum.Nothing more momentous than an accord written by a bunch of morons waxing nostalgic over Babi Yar and Birkenau that they can't even bring themselves to sign. The chief negotiators of the accord will head to the US on Tuesday for a visit that could include a meeting with Secretary of State Colin Powell.No doubt that Colon Bowel will be ready to suck their collective dicks. He seems quite good at that, proving, once again, that there is no heap of human refuse so immensely incompetent that it can't find anything that it's good at. Next month, the planners will hold a conference in Egypt with representatives of Arab countries.Bring your own jackboots, swastikas and commemorative "Zyklon B" canisters. The plan was mailed to almost every home in Israel and published in Palestinian newspapersk.That ought to alleviate the catastrophic bird cage liner shortage in Eretz Israel for a while. Barf bags are going to be in short supply if anybody tries to actually read the drivel, though. Now, supporters of the plan will go door to door through Palestinian and Israeli neighborhoods trying to stir up the public support so crucial for the accord to have its intended effect.Does Israel have a 2nd Amendment and trespassing laws like we do, by any chance? I sure hope so. Going door to door selling encyclopedias is one thing, trying to push "Holocaust II: The Sequel" is quite another. "After the celebration comes the real work," said Abed Rabbo, who led the Palestinian delegation.Well... You COULD start by turning in your terrorists, but I guess that's far too simplisme for your discerning tastes. Earlier in the day, 58 former presidents, prime ministers, foreign ministers, and other global leaders expressed "strong support" for the accord in a joint statement.Carnival of the Has-Beens. Nothing easier than to lend your support to every cause you trip over when you don't actually carry any responsibility for the effects thereof. European Union foreign policy chief Javier Solana congratulated the promoters of the accord in a letter to Beilin and Abed Rabbo, his spokeswoman said Monday.Beilin, for instance, has worked hard to betray his country behind his government's back. Highly commendable. If you're a EUnuch Swine. Barak is being too kind. This is a farce. Negotiated by a traitor and hailed by a bunch of filthy goons that would feel quite at home in a brown shirt and a pair of jackboots. They should all be shot. Posted by Misha at 11:17 PM
Pick One
Today's question: Who should be in charge of U.S. foreign policy?
Posted by Misha at 10:17 PM
Silly Kids
First, I owe it to everybody to make one thing clear: I've NOT given up on the New Blog Showcase, even though I can certainly understand it if some members of our Glorious Alliance were to think so, given my dismal voting record over the last few weeks. I've just been very, very busy and forgetful as a result lately. Now, while we're on the subject of voting, here's a report from The Commissar on some highly suspect doings of the League of Liberals, our rivals in the "Sponsorship Contest". Let's cut the crap, shall we? They're not "highly suspect", they're cheating. Now, if this was a contest involving something tangible like, say, huge bundles of cash, I'd be pissed off. However, seeing as how it's nothing but a silly, but fun, contest, I can't even muster outrage. The feeling that I DO have is more akin to the feeling you get when you watch a bunch of third grade kids (with my apologies to actual third grade kids) fighting over who gets to wipe the blackboard. The difference is this: It's excusable in kids. This whole "Sponsorship Contest" was supposed to be a fun incentive for people to vote for new bloggers and give them the exposure they need and deserve, and I for one was thrilled to learn that we of the Alliance had gotten some competition. It makes it a whole lot more fun, if you ask me. But apparently the League doesn't think much of the "fun factor", they're dead serious about it, to the point where they'll tweak the "rules" and downright cheat to get what amounts to a gold star on your report card. Pathetic. However, the New Blog Showcase remains a worthy effort. I remember only too well what it was like to be an "unknown", blogging for hours and not knowing whether anyone actually read the stuff or not. Sure, I'd have been blogging anyway, but it DOES make it a whole lot more interesting if you know that people actually care, not to mention that my whole blogging experience wouldn't have been NEAR as valuable to me as it is if it wasn't for all of you readers chiming in, supporting me, chiding me, poking fun at me and generally having a grand old time around my humble BlogWallow. I think of all of you as friends, odd though it may sound, considering that I've only actually met a small fraction of you, but I hope to make that a much larger fraction in the future, and friends are very high on my list of Important Things that Mean a Lot to Me™ You can never have enough. So, to wander back to the actual subject before I meander off so far that I forget what I was talking about, I intend to return to voting for the New Blog Showcase starting this weekend, so that I may at least play a small part in giving "newbies" (how I hate that word. We all were at one point) a shot at a regular readership. I just can't take the whole "Sponsorship" nonsense seriously anymore, now that I've found out that we have a bunch of pre-schoolers gumming up the works. Again: You guys are pathetic, as you'll find out eventually if you haven't already, and you'll hate it when you do. Posted by Misha at 01:07 PM
"But Fictional Characters LOVE Me!"
...Dennis "We Need Laws Against Mind Control Satellites" Kucinich shouted as he tried to wiggle out of his strait jacket. The Muffin Man and Peter Pan couldn't be reached for comment, but surely their endorsement can't be far behind. (Link thanks to LC Johnh) Posted by Misha at 12:39 PM
A Little Visual Aid
...to any Lefty Loons wandering by who don't quite understand why reasonable people despise you so. This is what you were and are defending. Socialist swine. (Link thanks to Imperial Torturer B.C.) Posted by Misha at 12:29 PM
Mauling Mark Morford
Well, it may not be much of a task, but doing it like Ironbear does it turns something "simple" into a work of art. Yes, Eric and Denita of Who Tends the Fires really made a scoop when they persuaded Ironbear to become a co-contributor. Dammit. Posted by Misha at 12:22 PM
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