|
|
Sunday, January 12th, 2003
| |
12:07 am
|
Hola. I'm not doing a great job of writing every day, am I? Oh well. I'm trying.
I'm proud of myself. I went out with friends tonight. When I woke up at 6PM!, I laid on the couch thinking of excuses to stay home. But I got ready and went out for a few hours. Its good for me to go out and spend time with folks. Weekends are so relaxing - especially after a stressful week. Its so easy to succumb to the temptation to stay home. But I don't want to be a hermit, a shut in. And although I'm far from that, I can see how easy it would be to spend my weekends in the peace and quiet of my apartment.
I'm narrowing down the couch search. I'm researching types of leather, and trying to determine what kind is best for my lifestyle. I have a swatch that I'm satisfied with, but I'm waiting to get the swatch from my favorite chair in the mail. I was able to eliminate a sofa by testing a swatch I received today. The leather scratches too easily, and that just won't suit the dog and me. Tomorrow I'm going furniture shopping with SE and CG, so I'll get to look at more sofas there.
I don't have much to say right now, but I wanted to check in.
Later...
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, January 6th, 2003
| |
12:41 am - Monday Morning
|
Its 12:30AMish, and I have just finished the long awaited steam clean. My apartment looks pretty good! I still have clutter to tackle, and I need to get maintenance in here to look at my crop of carpet mushrooms. Fun, fun, fun. But things look good, and I'm happy.
We went to rover recess today - what a good time. The dogs all played well together, and I was reminded how much I enjoyed that Sunday afternoon outing. I loved my standing Sunday movie date with SS when SR worked at the theater; maybe recess could be our new standing date. I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
Tomorrow, the dog is going in for a grooming. Its high time - she stinks! I'm glad that I waited until after the outing today - she was covered in doggie slobber! I'm dropping her off in the morning and picking her up after work. I am also going to return the steam cleaner before work. That's a story!
After recess, I stopped at Drug Mart to rent a Rug Doctor. The big mean store manager charged the cost to my debit card even though I had the cash sitting on the counter, about three inches from his fat face. I made him run a credit, but my account still shows a negative balance. Fortunately, my rent check has already cleared. I spent a few hours panicking about that, and then checked my balance online. Big relief. I don't feel like going through the cover-the-check dance. That's not a fun one!
I'm a bit worried about the gb surgery. The insurance specialist at the Middletown surgeon's office said that Anthem dropped the requirement of 18 months proof of weight loss attempts with a physician. But, when I went to the presentation, it was on the surgeon's paperwork. They probably haven't updated their paperwork - it was the second day of the new year! But what if? That means it could take more than 18 months for me to be approved! I'm so desperate to have the surgery today! tomorrow! as soon as possible! I'm convinced that it will improve my health - physically and mentally. One step at a time. Tomorrow I'll start making the necessary phone calls. So long as I'm doing everything I can, I think my state of mind will be good.
I also need to remember that keeping active keeps me sane. I spent 10 hours today at recess and cleaning, and I feel good! I was productive, I'm in a cleaner apartment, and I spent time with my best friend. All in all, Sunday was a million times better than Saturday. I slept 13 hours on Saturday! I didn't even nap today. Course, I'm up now. But I've taken two sleeping pills, and I'm starting to get tired. I hope to fall asleep when The Practice goes off at 1:00AM.
Well, I'm off. Stay safe, my friends. Its snowed some thick, wet snow out there tonight. Drive carefully and tune in tomorrow for the latest news.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, January 5th, 2003
| |
5:08 am - Talk about routine...
|
Writing.
Last night, I was laying in bed chewing through the newest Grisham paperback when my phone rang. A quick check of the clock told me that the caller had to be EG - or his crazy cousin. No one else would call at 1:45AM - unless there was a family emergency. Even then, I don't know that they'd call in the middle of the night. Anyway.
I star 69ed, memorized the cell phone number, quickly promised myself that I wouldn't go fetch him from a bar, and called him back. He answered, told me he was at F&H;, and told me (not asked) that he needed a ride.
"Home?" I asked, implying it was his only option. He pretended not to hear me.
I told him to wait outside, and I'd be there in 10 minutes. Then I did an unsuccessful quick-clean of myself, apartment, & car (what kind of miracle could I possibly effect in 10 minutes?), revised my promise to "he's not coming back here," and drove myself & pooch to F&H.;
I passed a black Liberty on my way into the parking lot, and I thought it might be him, but dismissed the idea when the truck didn't turn around. I parked in front of the bar, waited through a few songs, and then - while taking EG's name in vain - went inside to look for him.
There were work folks there, and they accosted me as I walked in. CK gave me a rundown of her FK breakup, and cracked jokes. ML smiled, and looked drunk, tired, or mad at me. (Perma-paranoia) I check all corners of the bar, and came up short. No EG. Saying goodbye to the workfolk, I headed home.
Shock and amazement - he was waiting in his car in front of my apartment. I recovered from my surprise (yes, I'm being sarcastic) and walked over to him. He jumped out of the car and started playing with the dog. I had him blow in my breathilizer - a Christmas Present from Dad - and told him he wasn't too drunk to drive. That's love, isn't it? Just spreading the joy. He insisted that he wasn't able to drive, and we headed inside.
He stumbled into my apartment, complaining, griping, judging and smoking. What a catch. We played a little backgammon, and then he went to bed and I went to couch. I know - I should sleep in my own bed. But if I put him on the couch, he would spend the night trying to sneak into the bedroom. Yes, I know the door locks. But my resolve is weak, and he can be loud. He'd likely wake the neighbors uptrying to get into my room.
I went back to skimming Grisham, and read from 3 until 6AM. Sore, exhausted, and unable to sleep, I gave up and went into the bedroom. I carved out a corner of the bed and managed to fall asleep.
At 10, I woke him up and told him it was checkout time. After about 15 minutes of poking and nagging, I managed to get him out of bed and on the road. Then I settled in for a day of make-up sleeping. Mom called at 11AM, and I cancelled our shopping appointment. I slept throught the dog's 4PM grooming, waking at 6:30. At 10, after flipping through the so called "premium" channels and watching parts of a few flix, I went back to bed. Woke up at 2, watched some Mallrats, and now I'm getting some writing in.
No analysis of the weekend so far - what's the point. I need to maintain a positive attitude, and pointing out my stupidity ain't gonna cut it.
So that's the story - and that's all she wrote. I'm off to watch more shitty-movie-TV.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, January 3rd, 2003
| |
11:25 pm
|
Hello World! Its Friday night, and I'm spending my wonderful-relaxing-quiet-lazy evening at home. I am really coming to love that I save this night of the week for myself. By this point in the week, my brain is fried and I love the no-thinking-just-drooling time.
Tonight I came home and walked the dog to the tennis courts. We played there for about ten minutes and then walked home. Now I'm watching The Family Man with Nicolas Cage. Its pretty good - a little cheesy, but it also makes you think.
I'm so excited to see DC next week. I love her, I miss her, and I'm dying to catch up with her.
I listened to more of "Chasing Down the Dawn" in the car today. Jewel is a pretty smart girl - I was really struck by her description of her relationship with her dad. And, she reminded me of how important it is to savor the simple things in life.
Read. Walk. Write. Strategize. Dream.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:27 am
|
My breakthrough: Let go. That's why I'm so happy when I'm buzzed - I'm not concerned with anything. I let go! Why can't I do that straight?
I'm going to become the pt philosopher.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
| |
11:09 pm
|
OK, I'm writing. But my thoughts are not in very good order.
Went to the information session this morning, and I really want to have this surgery. But, this Dr has opted out of the networks for most managed care providers, so I'd have to pay 40%. Now Dad offered to help last year - I don't know if that still holds true. Do I really want to go down that road?
And, do I have to have 18 consecutive months of physician supervised weight loss attempts? One of the office women told me I did, the other told me I didn't.
So I came home and checked the in-network list, and there are two doctors down the street. Course, I'm a bit nervous about mortality rates, their experiences, their techniques, etc.
And I haven't talked to insurance yet. I need to do that - maybe I will start that process tomorrow. I also need to get a car key cut and have my car checked for insurance.
I'm a bit uptight about ES - I'm a bit stressed about things - wellness fair, new board members, etc. I'd call AC, but I think its probably too late.
I am so in love with that book I read this week - Good in Bed. I'm so moved that I'm considering writing the author! She showed me that my voice is valuable.
Still haven't cemented my New Year's Resolutions. I'm thinking:
1. Aggressively pursue surgery
2. Walk dog every day
3. Keep a positive attitude
4. Wage war on stress
5. Ask for help when I need it.
Lots to mull over.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
| |
6:40 pm - Apartment Wish List
|
Rug for entryway
Stain remover for entryway closet
Paint in entryway
New furniture in family room
New rug in family room
Palette for family room
Paint 1 wall denim blue or other color from palette in family room
Paint 1 wall denim blue in dining room
New microwave
Better storage and cookware in kitchen
Clean laundry room
New towel rack in bathroom
New light bulbs in bathroom
Window film on windows
Caulk bathroom
Better storage under sink
Touch up paint in hall
Touch up paint in dining room
Finish furniture in bedroom
Paint bedroom
Better storage in closet
Steam clean
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, December 29th, 2002
| |
2:30 pm
|
Tell me on a Sunday
Don't write a letter
When you want to leave.
Don't call me at three a.m.
From a friend's apartment.
I'd like to choose
How I hear the news.
Take me to a park
That's covered with trees.
Tell me on a Sunday,
Please.
Let me down easy
No big song and dance.
No long faces, no long looks.
No deep conversation.
I know the way
We should spend the day.
Take me to a zoo
That's got chimpanzees.
Tell me on a Sunday,
Please.
Don't want to know
Who's to blame,
It won't help knowing.
Don't want to fight
Day and night,
Bad enough you're going.
Don't leave in silence
With no word at all.
Don't get drunk and slam the door,
That's no way to end this.
I know how I
Want you to say good-bye.
Find a circus ring
With flying trapeze.
Tell me on a Sunday,
Please.
Don't want to fight
Day and night,
Bad enough you're going.
Don't leave in silence
with no word at all.
Don't get drunk and slam the door,
that's no way to end this.
I know how I
Want you to say good-bye.
Don't run off in the pouring rain,
Don't call me as they call your plane.
Take the hurt out of all the pain.
Take me to a park,
That's covered with trees.
Tell me on a Sunday, please.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:48 pm
|
I'm in a deep rut, and the light at the end of the tunnel is this surgery. Its Sunday, and on Thursday i go to the orientation session. Can't come quickly enough. On Wednesday, my new insurance takes over. I'm going to call them at get as much information as I can. I imagine that they won't be open until Thursday, but I'll call then.
I'm having a hard time getting things together. My apartment is so so dirty. I want to clean it, but I also don't want to get off the couch. I think the dub is causing me to be depressed and lazy, and I know I need to keep away from it. I'm trying to turn my life around. I really am.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, December 28th, 2002
| |
11:31 pm
|
Carry Me written by Tim Easton
People love you like a diamond in their hands
They don?t know that diamond like I do
They put you up in the bluebird sky
Until they lose sight of you
People love you like a diamond in their hands
I always wanted to chase you down
And like many I fell in love with you
When you gave your heart back to me
I didn?t know what to do
I always wanted to chase you down
Carry me carry me
Back to your heart tonight
Carry me carry me
Through this cold midnight
Many times a young man has to wander around
Until he breaks himself in two
Not all but many many of us
Will never learn what to do
Sometimes a young man has to wander around
I had my reasons for leaving and
Now I know that I was wrong
It was selfish to think you?d be better off
Just cause I wanted to be further along
Carry me carry me
Back to your side tonight
Here comes that old devil midnight
And I have not slept in days
And there?ll be no rest on this midnight
If the highway has it's way
Here comes that old devil midnight
Carry me carry me
Back to your heart tonight
Carry me carry me
Through this cold midnight
Carry me, carry me
Back to your side tonight
Carry me carry me
Through this cold midnight
Bury me bury me underneath your starlight
Bury me bury me underneath your starlight
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:20 pm
|
|
EG used to come up with clever ideas for ESPN commercials...
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, December 25th, 2002
| |
1:37 am
|
The Middle
Written by by Jimmy Eat World
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own
So don't buy in, live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head
You feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:18 am - Life or Something Like It...
|
|
Are we in love? I mean, what is it? What is it that connects us... What is it that is going to keep us together for 20 or 30 years?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
1:17 am - Social Distortion - Story Of My Life
|
|
Wonderin' bout what you're doin' now and when you're comin' back
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
| |
10:10 pm
|
|
| Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
| |
5:54 pm
|
we all fall down....
i woke up this morning wonderin..
if i slept any at all
i can't quite remember
a struggle so big
or ever feeling so small
it took all my strength
just to get out of bed
as the ache in my heart
went straight to my head
i just can't keep my feet
on the ground...
i guess we all learn the hard way...
i guess we all fall down...
sometimes the answers
don't fall from the sky
sometimes they hurt
too much to hear..
and sometimes we sweep
the truth under the rocks..
and the night when it reappears...
hang on there's no use
in running away..
and when it's hard enough
to stand up and say
that i can't keep
my feet on the ground
i guess we all learn the hard way
i guess we all fall down
wish i could find
a road out of this place
somehow it hollows my way
i wanna show you
the light in my eyes
and the smile upon my face
maybe tomorrow is counting on me
to learn my lessons today
i stop by taking a step
at a time..
and stop throwing my lessons away...
i'll give myself up
and i'll brush myself off
take back some of
the pride that i've lost
'coz we can't always keep
our feet on the ground
i guess we all learn the hard way...
i guess we all fall down....
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:51 pm
|
Near You Always
please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
don't think you realize the effect you have over me
and please don't look at me like that
it just makes me want to make you near me always
please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
and please don't touch me like that
it makes ever other embrace seem pale and shallow
please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
and don't try to understand me
your hands already know to much anyway
it just makes me want to make you near me always
and when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
it's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
so be gentle if you please, 'cause
your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth baby
and it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, December 20th, 2002
| |
11:01 pm
|
|
"Is that your true intention" - takes things from humorous to serious....
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, December 19th, 2002
| |
11:49 pm
|
|
you always think you're scott free when the law grabs your wrist from behind....
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:18 pm
|
|
Lastly, I take the liberty of confiding to your charity & humanity the precious little person of my Dachshund Max, who is the best & gentlest & most reasonable & well-mannered as well as most beautiful small animal of his kind to be easily come across -- so that I think you will speedily find yourselves loving him for his own sweet sake. The Servants, who are very fond of him & good to him, know what he "has", & when he has it, & I shall take it kindly if he be not too often gratified with tid-bits between meals. Of course what he most intensely dreams of is being taken out on walks, & the more you are able so to indulge him the more he will adore you & the more all the latent beauty of his nature will come out.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|