Where It All Went Wrong

Hello people who still have me on their friends list.

How are you?

The past few days my lungs have ached like I've been chain smoking. Which is odd because I haven't had a cigarette for two weeks. I used to go on chain smoking binges, where I'd go one after another just for something in my hand, like back ground music for the other senses. Now my fingers are painfully chewed instead.

Sometimes I get this feeling in my chest, like physical pain but not like sore lungs or heartburn more like heartache only hollow; sorrow heavy on my ribs, over scar tissue and muscle spasms; breathing grief. i guess this is what they call depression. only i can't cry because of the afformentioned sore lungs, shortness of breath. to choke on ones own sadness; how fucking cliche.

i promise i'm not like this. i promise i'm not. honest. ?

ok i lie. i'm a mess. and i don't hide it very well.

tonight actually was pretty good; i made a collage paper doll. my mom said she was too skinny. she thinks eating disorders are prevalient in every outlet. i told her it was a piece of paper.

also; i made a three mixed cd's. two of them are classified information and one of them is called "dancing on the ceiling leads to falling on the floor."

HUG ME.

oh man. i'm a mix of this&that; &everything; else tonight, all directions & then some. This humidity gives me migraines, along with everyone else in my family, so we're all on edge. This morning I went upstairs at 6:30 after waking up with a migraine, to find my dad sitting on the couch with a migraine also, and an empty box of suddafed sinus beside him. The tv was on, but the sound was low, and of all things to watch he had Super Dave on. We sat and drank tea with cold presses and it was a really weird bonding moment. He spent the morning checking up on me & saying "poor adrienne." to my mother. I'm pretty screwed when it comes to migraine meds, since I'm on a plethora of other meds and they all seem to clash. So it's advil &darkness; for me.

I spent the night talking to Jaston &I; have a habit of saying "get in your car &come; here right now." It's a half joke but tonight he almost did. I have a feeling it will happen sooner or later though. We're both really weird & really the same & we think we're probably related somehow because we act and think and look the same. It's scary actually, even more so if you know me in person and can envision two of me.

I got to hang out with Robb on Saturday too, which was really cool as I hadn't seen him in.. 3 years? We were best friends in high school and decided that we were the cool kids because Society's Norm played Eric's Trip when we were 15. & we bonded over the first Hayden album, which most people don't even know exists. "When did he learn how to sing?" & we watched Yellow Submarine, which was sort of happy and yet sad because we had drunken Beatle movie memories from back in the day. We looked at old pictures & realized how much we've grown up too.. Atleast in appearence. We're both basically the same kids we were in high school. I really should move to BC.

I really should go.. do something. I'm so scattered. I would sleep, except I spent all day in bed face down in pillows. That sounds really dirty, but it's innocent. I swear.

&! ps: I received a really good book in the mail last week during this period of time in my life that isn't so. Thank you, you know who you are. xox.

I will not miss:

+ barking dogs
+ doing other peoples housework
+ bugs on ceilings, bugs on floors, bugs on windows, bugs on doors.
+ asking permission.

Everyone(family) keeps asking my why I'm moving out, and no one is supportive except my brother, and you'd think I was 16 years old by the way they treat me, and you'd think that I didn't understand how the world works, or that I haven't done this before? I just keep reiterating the point that "I am 23 years old mom." & I say 24 when I was to reinforce the point, since when you're more than halfway there you can always round up for the added emphasis.

My parents projoect their own anxieties upon my brother & I, and instead of being supportive of our actions they're always leary, and saying whatif&have; you thought about this&can;'t&don;'t.. They don't know the concept of attempting and trying and that we're old enough to know better.

I understand though, as best as you can when you don't really, that my own mother is hurting when she looks at me with sad eyes & says that her mother is dying & her daughter is leaving and what am I going to do now? It doesn't matter where I go, as long as I'm not here, and now she is talking about buying a smaller house and finding a hobby. & believe me mom, I would stay a child forever if I could, but it's time for me to become you & you her.

& this is the summer of our incredible change, now nothing seems the same & it's hard to be so excited when everyone's so sad.

&i;'ve been around before,
but this time i don't know what's in store.

http://www.playmash.com

I got the perfect life!!

You will live in House.
You will drive a baby blue bike.
You will marry Jason and have 1 kids.
You will be a artist in england.

(even though I was aiming for marrying Allie & living in a shack & being a hooker...)

I woke up (again) at 6 & i'm up for good this time. I'm going to have breakfast right away and then I'm forcing myself to get on my bike & go up to the store to buy cigarettes & then go to the bank. It's all part of a deal I made with Jason. He's going to pay his insurance today & I'm going to the bank. We've both been putting it off for over a week. We kind of suck, only, not really. We're just scared of leaving houses.

It's really nice to be crazy in company who is crazy as well.

I've already paid bills this morning. How sick is that? I woke up responsible today - ohno.

Sleeping from 6pm - midnight is pretty dumb.

I woke up in excruciating pain today to the sounds of little kids screaming, which is quite possibly one of the worst ways possible to wake up. I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in my abdomen. I went to take my pills this morning and noticed there were still two in mondays box, meaning I forgot to take my pills, but I can't remember how? I swear I took them but I assume I didn't, which is so bad because I missed my pills last week too so now my stomach is all fucked up again when it was almost 100% normal. However, I don't even have the slightest sense of effexor withdrawal, which is pretty weird considering. I don't know how I've missed my pills twice in one week, I've been taking them since November and never missed a dose. My head must be in the clouds lately. (it is.)

I have to go jump in the bath & hope this stupid pain goes away before Alan comes over. I hate being sick around people I don't know really well, although i suppose I should get used to it considering I'm going to be living with the guy.

Alain don't phone me while I'm in the bath! :p

I'm scared that I've said too much. & most of me knows this isn't true, but there's a little part, the undersides of spindle back chairs and swept under the floor tiled mats, that wonders if maybe I've .. spoken from the heart in a way that doesn't make sense, in a way that screams need instead of want. I think I've realized a lot of things since X started stalking me. One of them is that speaking from your heart with no input from the mind is really fucking frightening. It's too much for another to handle. I don't want to hold back though, I want to speak all the beautiful words in my mind to another who wonders and understands. We'll see if answers are given, truth be told and tomorrow is always another day.

I can be so mature sometimes, and so incredible immature at others. I need to keep my head on straight at all times. I need to handle things in a better fashion when others are involved, hold my head up high and act with dignity at all times.

i'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.

I don't know if I know what I'm doing. I want to move out so badly, but part of me is worried now that mom mentioned things like grocery shopping on my own and whatnot. Am I doing the right thing for the right reasons? I can't even go to the bank today & the corner store for cigarettes with mom. How how how how how!! Sometimes I hate this life just as much as I love it. Things always seem so.. impossible and beyond my reach but I'm the one who binds my own arms behind my back.

This are confusing today. I tried to talk to mom, but she didn't really respond. I guess her own mind is filled with her own thoughts and there is no room for mine. I don't know what it's like to watch your own mother die. I guess I will one day, and who will I turn to then?

Maybe I'm just as crazy as the rest of them. I never realized how scary other peoples thoughts can be. Maybe it's time to start keeping some things within, for my eyes only. Maybe I should just pretend to be someone else, then none of this will matter and life won't depend on my .. i don't know where I'm going with this.

confusion confusion. maybe paranoia. i wish my stomach didn't hurt.

& it always comes down to this.

I have a habit of lighting a cigarette and smoking it with my left hand, pausing between drags to rest my thumb in the crook of my eye (this is possible if you believe in poetics) but every now and then, moreso then not, i hear the sizzle of hair coming in contact with my cigarette. I should learn to put my cigarette in the ashtray between drags. I never put it down once it's lit.

I had a dream that I moved into an old apartment, and I could see everything so clearly, the rooms and yellowed walls and my grandmothers couch in the livingroom. When I went into the kitchen I opened th cupboard doors, and they were full of old dishes, floral patterns and tea cup dreams. I took each dish out of the cupboard and put it on a shelf for safe keeping, and then walked out the back door down steps that hadn't be painted in years.

It was so real that I woke up wondering where I was.

living on some modest trust
from daddy 'fore his oil went bust

lovin you is just enough
cause no one gives a fuck about us

I slept at my auntie & uncles house last night & babysat my dying grandmother. We did cross word puzzles and drank tea and smoked lots of cigarettes (cancer won't get her down?) while watching the game show network. No whammies & all that. I crushed her many pills between spoons and served them with jam and helped her get around, tucking her into bed and taking off her leg braces that keep the swelling of her bruised&black; legs in check. She said I'd make a good nurse and I'd make a better mum.

This life seems so surreal to me & I don't know how I can be sohappy&sosad; at the exact same time. There's all these new feelings flowing through my veins into my fingers of things I've never experienced before and it makes my stomach feel like it's spinning upwards&out.;

I slept on a highback pink couch with ancient afgan blankets knit by people who don't exist anymore and dreamt about a boy and a hardwood floor and interlocking hands held behind backs with forehead kisses and smiles galore.

this is the summer i finally grew up & started to understand.

& i don't really have many words today, just a picture
& the shins on repeat & an idea in my head that
i need to get on paper.

(& allie, I can hear you tsktsking me from all the way over there.) >:)

I feel like I'm 15 years old again.
This is amazing&more.;

I thrive on lack of sleep? It's been storming for almost 2 days straight, i can't remember so much thunder
so fast. & i slept with my window open,
to awake to brown water lines staining the wall to the floor,
incense ash on window panes.
i guess this means it's time to wash the walls, or move.
(which i might be doing sooner than naught, with my friend alain.)

sometimes i get so excited thinking about tomorrows that
i have a hard time falling asleep todays.

Nothing says "mental disorder" like dying your hair at 10 in the morning after being awake for 30 odd hours just because the colour annnoys you when you look in a mirror.

I swear to god one day i'm going to a) shave my head or b) dye it black.

red hair is a bitch on the upkeep.

I have found the proverbial it.
& i'm not saying any more than that, but
I'm certain of this.

I doubt I ever loved you.
I believe I have chosen peace.

Think of this as the dormant phase
of a disease.


KEEP
(for you)

I know that you will die
before I do.

Already your skin tastes faintly
of the acid that is eating through you.

None of this, none of this is true,
no more than a leaf is botany,

along this avenue of old maples
and birds fall down through the branches
as the long slow rain of small bodies
falls like snow through the darkening sea,

wet things in turn move up out of the earth,
your body is liquid in my hands, almost
a piece of solid water.

Time is what we're doing,
I'm falling into the flesh,
into the sadness of the body
that cannot give up its habits,
habits of the hands and skin.

I will be one of those old women
with good bones and stringy necks
who will not let go of anything.

You'll be there. You'll keep
your distance,
the same one.

- Margaret Atwood

I went and visted baba for a while tonight. We sat in her bed together, her under blanket and in her nightgown, and looked through old photographs. We had a little talk and lots of hugs. We told each other we loved each other.

I miss her already. All I want to do is sit with her and hug her. I don't know what the fuck I am going to do when she dies.