Rocket Man Blog

Buzzword Bingo

Anybody who works in a large bureaucratic organization has received memos that sound good but say absolutely nothing. During my career I have received many of these types of memos and over the years I have taken actual quotes from them and created one "standard memo" that can be used in almost any circumstance.

This Task gives us a unique opportunity to demonstrate our organization as an integrated test and fab organization. We have embarked on an initiative to outperform vendors in cost, schedule, and capability. This initiative is aimed at leveraging the strengths and resources of each of our operating areas to enable us to perform with efficiency and agility.

We have made excellent progress in laying the foundation to achieve this vision, and we are fully committed to it. The purpose of this memo is to give you an update on the progress and status of this vision. Key elements include:

1. Establishing a common, lean set of enterprise processes; and
2. Aligning our fab & test organizations to support these processes and a highly efficient workflow throughout our operations.

Prior to our initiative, all operations had been pursuing common goals. These similar efforts have now been aligned and consolidated.

Under my direction, we have defined programmatic schedules and milestones that will ensure our ability to track and optimize the project. We will also continue to ensure that we have in place 'go-forward' decision criteria based upon progress, drawing on the synergism created in our teamwork atmosphere.

Secondly, I believe that action in the areas noted above is critical to establishing and maintaining a competitive advantage, critical to our goals and vision.

Finally, I’d like to firmly emphasize the fact that I will continue to be engaged and focused in this effort. I support the scope of the project, and I am confident the vision of achieving the benefits of this can be achieved with your ongoing dedicated support. If you are called upon to help, I need your support to advance the project to fruition.

I believe that combining our strengths will not only help us better serve our customers, it will also improve the work environment for our employees as we follow a common way of doing business. Outdated processes that vary by operation will be replaced by streamlined ways of doing business. We will strive to make it easier for employees to focus on their jobs.

I will follow up with further communications to keep you up to date as the initiative proceeds. Thanks in advance for contributing to this effort with your ideas and your energy.

Now if you are ever asked to write one of these monstrosities you will have a template to work from.

What Can The Democrats Complain About Now?

Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean today blasted President George Bush for fostering an economic recovery that deprives thousands of Americans of their leisure time. The attack comes on the day the Labor Department reported that payrolls grew by 126,000 last month, more than twice the number economists had predicted.

"Work, work, work," said Mr. Dean, shaking his head in evident disgust. "Is that the American you want to leave for your children? Do you want to live in a nation where GDP and productivity and the stock market continue to rise? Where's the balance?"

Mr. Dean accused Mr. Bush of stealing eight-hours per day of leisure from these newly-employed Americans, and of ruining the future for countless children.

"Kids will grow up without knowing the comfort of government assistance programs," he said. "And think about all the young Democrats who dream of being President. Because of Mr. Bush, they may never get that chance."

In case you couldn't tell, this is not a real news story but comes from ScrappleFace, one of the best humor sites on the web. The sad thing is that with the current rhetoric from the Democratic Party, this parody is almost entirely believable.

The Scotty Of The Blogsphere

James Lileks has said that Bill Whittle from Ejcet! Ejcet! Ejcet! is the Captain Kirk of the Blogsphere and that Steven Den Beste from USS Clueless is the Spock of the Blogsphere.

Well I want to be the Scotty of the Blogsphere. What would a starship be without an engineer to keep it running? If we only have Kirk and Spock, no one is around to "beam them up" or provide "more power." I think the Blogsphere is in desperate need of a Scotty, and if anybody knows James Lileks, please tell him I have volunteered to fill that position.

Update: Professor Hall from Spacecraft wants to be the Worf of the Blogsphere. He probably made a better choice than I did. Even though Worf has a lobster tail on his forehead, he is a badass and gets all the hot babes. Scotty just got old and fat.

The differences between Republicans and Democrats

As regular readers of my blog know, I have often tried to define the differences between liberals/conservatives, left/right, Democrats/Republicans etc. Well I have just discovered that Shamus Young over at The Lemon has made a helpful presentation that clears things up.

Blogger alliance?

I saw this post over at Flit -

- What kind of nutcake idiocy is this 'blogger alliance'? Is it just juvenile hijinks or a byzantine conspiracy to get the mainstream not to take bloggers seriously? I'd announce a "You've got to be kidding" alliance but even my id has more dignity.

Intrigued, I followed some links and eventually made it to this post A Call to Arms - The Most Important Post I've Written -

I spit upon my Instapundit permalink. I shiver at the touch of his wretched Instlanches. And I especially mock and deride his 74,000 daily visitors. That's right. His tens of thousands of visitors is so pitiful it makes me laugh. For there millions our there, millions and millions who will soon see the power of the blogosphere... but only when this obstacle is removed.

Instapundo delenda est!

The Enemy must be destroyed, and then true democracy will come to the blogosphere. They will see our brillance, no longer filtered through the one, and they will be awed. So we must strike against Instapundit.com, and we must strike against it so hard with so loud a battle cry that the isolated tribes in Africa will shiver in fear. In the sound of battle, everyone will soon take note of the blogosphere, and, when the dust settles and the Enemy has fallen, they will no longer look to the Rush Limbaugh on the radio for commentary, they will not look to O'Reilly on the T.V. for analysis, and they will not look to the New York Times for news... THEY WILL LOOK TO US!!!

I need not just blogs to help in the battle, but blog readers as well. All people of all crafts need to join together and get the blogosphere the recognition it deserves. We need people to make banners, people to get the attention of the media, and people to keep an eye on the Enemy as his scheming to stop us.

We are the future, people. Our actions now will decide the fate of the world. And your grandchildren will ask you about the great blog war and upon which side you stood. Will you tell them you sided when the Enemy, forever to be his slave? Will you tell them you sat on the sidelines like the Swiss, mired in irrelevancy? Or will you tell them you took a stand for freedom, for democracy, and for intelligent news commentary?

Those are your choices. Bow before Instapundit.com and I promise you continued enslavement and a weakened blogosphere, but follow me and I promise you the respect you deserve, hundreds of millions of readers to split between us, and bag and bags of money.

WHO IS WITH ME?!!!!

So "is it just hijinks or a byzantine conspiracy to get the mainstream not to take bloggers seriously?" If you know please clue me in.

Update: I have found out that the Blogger Alliance is all in good fun. I had suspected as much, but I wasn't 100% sure.

American bastards

VodkaPundit has a list of 50 Things al Qaeda Hates about America. By far the best one is -

You bastards fight back

The Lifecycle of a News Story (As Bloggers see it)

If you read blogs regularly (and you wouldn't be at an obscure site like mine if you didn't) then you will thoroughly enjoy The Lifecycle of a News Story from The Lemon.

Things to say during a colonoscopy

I don't have much time to post today, so I will leave you with things to say during a colonoscopy -

Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before.

Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?

You know, in some states, we're now legally married.

Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!

And my personal favorite -

Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

Rejected Crayons

Sometimes market research can make a difference. To see for yourself, check out these rejected crayon colors.

If Women Ruled the World

If you have a good sense of humor and are not easily offended, check out If Women Ruled the World.

Hat tip: Sgt. Stryker

Liberals - You have to laugh at them

I wrote this a couple of years ago. Some of them are recycled from other sources, and some of them are my own, but I can not remember which ones are which. Enjoy.

A Liberal is someone who will give you the shirt off of somebody else’s back.

A Liberal is someone who will fight to the last drop of somebody else’s blood.

A Liberal is someone who wants to help people, but only with somebody else’s money.

A Liberal believes that the further removed from reality a political philosophy is, the more morally pure it must be.

Liberals support abortion but oppose the death penalty . The mental contortions it takes to be a Liberal are amazing.

A Conservative worships a higher spiritual power. A Liberal worships Government.

If you’re not a liberal by the time you are 18, you don’t have a heart. If you’re not a Conservative by the time your 35, you don’t have a brain.

A Conservative presents his policies in terms of hope. A Liberal presents his policies in terms of fear.

A Liberal believes that Conservatives have no heart, but that is just because there is not blood leaking from a Conservatives heart all the time like there is from a Liberals heart.

A Liberal believes that the primary purpose of Government is to redistribute income from the rich to the poor. A Conservative realizes that the primary purpose of the Government is to provide equality of opportunity, not equality of outcomes.

A Liberal believes that all money belongs to the Government, and any of your own money you get to keep is a gift from the Government.

A Conservative believes that a problem is solved by solutions. A Liberal believes a problem is solved by throwing money at it.

Liberals hate what they call “Big Business.” What is their solution, to stop all small businesses from growing so that they will never get bigger?

Liberals hate the idea of “Profit”. If they hate Profit so much, they should give away whatever money they have left over after they pay all their bills. After all, isn’t that what profit is?

A Liberal believes that the Military is an outdated organization that should be an equal opportunity employer, a jobs program for the poor and a place where the feminist agenda can be advanced. A Conservative realizes that the Military’s job is to defend the country.

A Liberal believes that the Court System’s job is to advance the Liberal agenda that can not be passed into law through the normal Government process. A Conservative realizes that the purpose of the Court System is to enforce the laws, not make them.

A Liberal believes that the Government is the best solutions to most problems. A Conservative realizes that the Government is the cause of many problems.

A Conservative believes that the Constitution is meant to limit the power of Government. A Liberal believes that the Constitution is an obstacle to increasing the power of Governments.

Conservatives view Liberals as political opponents. Liberals view Conservatives as evil incarnate.

A Conservative believes that both the costs and benefits of a policy need to be examined. A Liberal believes that cost is no object, as long as somebody else is paying the cost.

A Liberal believes that it takes a village to raise a child. A Conservative realizes it takes parents to raise a child.

A Conservative wants to solve a problem. A Liberal wants a problem to continue so they can use it as an issue to scare people.

A Liberal believes that electricity comes from a plug in the wall. A Conservative knows that electricity is generated in power plants (Liberals in California might eventually learn this fact).

Liberals believe that gasoline comes from a gas pump. Conservatives know that gasoline comes from oil, and that the only way to have enough gasoline is to drill for more oil.

A Liberal believes that it is cruel to hunt animals. A Conservative realizes that is cruel to let animals overgraze and destroy their habitat and let them starve to death.

A Liberal believes that Government control of the economy is the most efficient way to run a country. A Conservative knows that if Government control of the economy was the most efficient way to run a country, Russia would have been the most prosperous country in the world.

Liberals are afraid to call themselves Liberals and instead hide behind the labels “Progressive” or “Moderate.” Conservatives are proud to call themselves Conservatives.

Liberals believe that the center of the political spectrum is what they believe, and that they are a “Moderate”. Anybody to their left is a “Progressive” and anybody to their right is a “Right wing political wacko.”

To a Liberal, an Environmentalist is someone who owns a house in the mountains, and a greedy Developer is someone who wants to build a house in the mountains

A Liberal believes that guns cause crime. A Conservative knows that a gun is an inanimate object and is incapable of performing any action on its own.

A Conservative believes in freedom of speech. A Liberal believes in freedom of speech as long as it doesn’t offend anyone, or contradict what they think, or hurt someone’s feelings, or question politically correct philosophies, or promote conservative causes, or question the power of the Government, or ....

A Liberal believes that schools should teach children about self esteem, the environment, diversity, etc. A Conservative believes that schools should teach children reading, writing, math and history.

A Liberal believes that people should have their cars taken away and be forced to use mass transit. A Conservative believes that people should be free to go where they want when they want.

Liberals want people to live in high density urban environments to combat “Urban Sprawl.” Conservatives want people to have the freedom to live where they choose.

Liberals believes that Conservatives want dirty water and dirty air. Liberals also think that water and air should be free of all pollution. A Conservative knows that it is impossible to completely clean the water and air, pollution will always exist and the only thing we can do is minimize the pollution.

Liberals want to eliminate all health risks. Conservatives realize that health risks occur naturally in the environment and can never be completely eliminated, only mitigated.

Liberals desperately want life to be fair. Conservatives realize life is inherently unfair.

Conservatives think people should be paid what they are worth. Liberals think it is unfair that some people make more than others.

Liberals believe that Conservatives are intolerant, bigoted, racist, sexist, homophobes, but it is Liberals who want to label everybody by their race, sexual orientation or gender. Conservatives believe each person should be judged as an individual regardless of their race, sexual orientation or gender.

A Liberal believes that there is no right or wrong. A Conservative knows that belief is asinine.

Only a Liberal could call an increase of 5.6% in the school lunch program a cut just because they wanted a larger increase.

Liberals blame Ronald Reagan for budget deficits and give Bill Clinton credit for budget surpluses, but they have obviously never read the part of the Constitution that gives Congress the responsibility for the federal budget. The Democratic congress under Ronald Reagan gave us deficits and the Republican Congress under Bill Clinton gave us surpluses.

Liberals believe that Conservatives want to destroy the environment, and Liberals want to preserve the environment as it is at all costs. Conservatives realize that the environment is going to change no matter what we do, and that environmental resources can be used in a responsible way without destroying the environment.

Liberals are certain that humans have caused the Earth to experience “Global Warming.” Conservatives realize that the temperature of the Earth changes all the time, and that the biggest causes of global temperature change is from the Sun, dust in the solar system and the Earths orbit around the Sun, not from humans. Conservatives also realize that the data used in “Global Warming” calculations is highly variable and not very accurate, and therefore inconclusive. In the 1970’s, Liberals were certain that the Earth was experiencing “Global Cooling.” They were wrong then, and they are wrong now.

If a man is drowning 100 ft. from the shore, a Conservative will throw him 75 ft. of rope and encourage him to swim the other 25 ft. A Liberal will throw him 200 ft. of rope and then drop his end to run off and help somebody else.

Liberals attacked Newt Gingrich relentlessly for accepting a 4 million dollar book deal, but said nothing when Hillary Clinton accepted an 8 million dollar book deal.

Liberals said nothing when Bill Clinton dodged the draft in a letter saying that he “Loathed the military,” but attacked George W. Bush relentlessly for his service in the National Guard.

Liberals called George Bush a warmonger when he used the military to free Kuwait after it had been invaded by Iraq, but they were eerily quit when Bill Clinton bombed places all over the world to divert attention from his impeachment trial.

Liberals found nothing odd when Bill Clinton argued over the definition of “is” is, or when he tried to claim oral sex was not sex. They would have crucified any Conservative who tried to make the same pathetic arguments.

Update: Averie over at Tinmen Don't Dance comments. Her comments on drowning are particularly funny.