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[28 Dec 2001|03:54pm] Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz post comment

[17 Dec 2001|09:47pm] Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge! 1 comment|post comment

[12 Dec 2001|10:17pm] I am a Bride at an ATM. Inconsequential intransigencies provoke my electric riboflavin. I suggest jasmine spanners lead to forthright pipelines of bread. My business feathers jump around bearded numerals. When will coal underwear be stolen? The Utterly Surreal Test 1 comment|post comment

[12 Dec 2001|11:51am] Bye bye again old journal, back hom eI go. 1 comment|post comment

[12 Dec 2001|12:30am] [ mood | annoyed ] Perfect Paul and His Magnetic Spleen http://www.rit.edu/~pmy5192 You are most like Paul Y You enjoy joanna, britt, kevin, and alcohol. Can't be a safe combination my friend. Beware the ^^flappy^^ goths. They travel in packs I hear. Incredibly long sig file as follows: -- AIM Paul Y Rocks e23topy at yahoo.com http://www.rit.edu/~pmy5192 http://fleischbackstein.iuma.com http://www.livejournal.com/~captain_tragedy/ http://thermalnoise.net/kode?2330978431a5 np: Pig - Find It, Fuck It, Forget It "i'll never give up smoking" -Sascha (©KMFDM Inc. 2001) __ The AMM / AMK Persnoality Test by @OgRe928 post comment

[03 Dec 2001|05:05pm] Oh yeah Brian and I ARE back together, DUH. post comment

[02 Dec 2001|09:46pm] I am back here for ten days since they decided to SUSPEND my other journal. Bastards. post comment

[28 Jan 2001|05:07am] Well I thought I'd write one more time so not to give anyone a disalusioned view on what is happening in my life. Brian and I aren't together. We are friends. So yeah. I'm starting a new journal soon. This chapter in my life is closed so I only feel that I shouldn't write in here anymore. I NOW GO BY iworshipsatin. 2 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2001|03:55pm] How did it start? Well I don't know I just feel the craving I see flesh and it smells fresh and it's just there for the taking These little girls, they make me feel so goddam exhilerated I fill them up, I can't give it up To me, I'm just erasing I tell my lies, and I despise every second I'm with you So I run away and you still stay So what the fuck is with you? Your feelings I can't help but rape them I'm sorry, I don't feel the same My heart inside is constantly hating I'm sorry, I just throw you away I don't know why I'm so fucking cold I don't know why its hurts me All I wanna is get with you and make the pain go away Why do I have a conscience? All it does is fuck with me Why do I have this torment? All I wanna do is fuck it away I tell my lies, and I despise every second I'm with you So I run away and you still stay So what the fuck is with you? Your feelings I can't help but rape them I'm sorry, I don't feel the same My heart inside is constantly hating I'm sorry, I just throw you away I tell my lies, and I despise every second I'm with you So I run away and you still stay So what the fuck is with you? Your feelings I can't help but rape them I'm sorry, I don't feel the same My heart inside is constantly hating I'm sorry, I just throw you away Just throw you away post comment

[24 Jan 2001|12:20am] im done with this journal. email me if you want to . evilqueenbitch2000@yahoo.com post comment

[22 Jan 2001|12:54pm] Well Brian is having his doubts again and what if's. Well I understand it's natural. After I talked to him last night I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It almost feels like I've told him everything I've ever wanted to say to anyone before. I feel so good. Even with his doubts I feel good. I feel like I no longer need to depend on drugs for my happiness. I am happy. Wow, this is the best I've ever felt. I know he needs to work on him self and I'm right here behind him. I'm bringing him to conselling on Friday and I think it's going to be great for him. I'm really positive on what's going to happen with us. What ifs and doubts are natural and he should feel them. Believe me I've had mine, and to tell him not to feel those isn't right. What is going on in his head is human. He needs to feel these things, but seriously after what Jill told me maybe it's better what is going on. If he carries it on with her he might be happy but just from feeding it off of her, and in the end it's not healthy. We can be happy, he knows it and I know it. I'm glad he's having these feelings it means he truely cares. 4 comments|post comment

The End [22 Jan 2001|09:50am] [ mood | loved ] Story book endings do happen. 1 comment|post comment

Do you think I'll ever be the same again? [20 Jan 2001|04:28am] [ mood | apathetic ] Fuck optimism. I don't want to think like that anymore. Call me Miss Pesimist. I don't know how but I have to pick my ass up. I have to move on. I have to try to make myself happy, but how? I always relied on people do it for me. That's why Brian was so great. He showed me that I could be happy in the worst situations. He alays made me laugh. I have to realize that he doesn't love me nor he ever will. this is going to be the hardest thing ever. I believe he was honestly my soulmate, and that is so hard to find, and I don't think I'll ever find someone that I love as much as him. It was our destiny to meet, to be happy for the brief few months. I guess it is now my destiny to be what I am now. I hope someday he'll be as happy as I was with him with someone. I hope he'll be happy with himself someday. I hope I'll be there to see him happy. I'm going to stop writing in this damned thing. It makes me only more depressed than I should be. It makes me think what if. I need to think what now. This is my last entry I think. I think this may be the last thing I think. 3 comments|post comment

[19 Jan 2001|09:24pm] [ mood | honestly, suicidal ] [ music | tool prision sex ] I don't have a reason anymore. I honestly feel like I have nothing left, and what happened last night with that girl Brian is about to start dating just fucking killed me. She made her intention was quite clear that she was going to sleep with him, and she made it quite clear she doesn't want me in his life. Maybe I should stay out. I bet he'd be a whole lot happier with out me crying and whining all the time. Maybe she'll make him happy, but i seriously doubt that. I know I could have made him happy if he only would have let me, but I know he has his reasons. But why can't I understand that? Why do I think I may still have some remote chance. I think this is why I'm too scared to kill myself. What he ever realizes he does love me? I would have lost the chance to be happy again. But high expectations I have. I know in my heart he'll never love me. He'll never love anyone. 3 comments|post comment

[19 Jan 2001|05:27am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Tool Hush ] eMoBiTc: why does it hurt so much that he hurts? Psychoticdream1: love i guess Psychoticdream1: maybe that's what it is? eMoBiTc: have you ever loved someone so much you haet them and you want to just hate them but you cant? Psychoticdream1: unfortunately no, i've yet to learn what love is eMoBiTc: its horrible eMoBiTc: but its so good too Psychoticdream1: that you love them even when they do wrong? when they hurt you? eMoBiTc: yeah eMoBiTc: when i looked at him eMoBiTc: i could picture myself growing old with him Psychoticdream1: that's nice, really.. Psychoticdream1: but the question is now.. will it still happen? eMoBiTc: he doesnt love me Psychoticdream1: did he say that? Psychoticdream1: i mean just now that you were talking to him? eMoBiTc: no Psychoticdream1: then how do you know? eMoBiTc: he said he loves me "but not like that" Psychoticdream1: oh eMoBiTc: he said that a few days sgo eMoBiTc: what i dont get eMoBiTc: is how can you love someone and 2 hours later decide that you dont love them anymore eMoBiTc: it doesnt seem human Psychoticdream1: it's almost as if they werent in love with you at all doesnt it? eMoBiTc: yeah eMoBiTc: exactly eMoBiTc: he doesnt know what real love is eMoBiTc: he cant eMoBiTc: he hates himself eMoBiTc: he cant love another Psychoticdream1: maybe he can, but hasnt met the right person yet? eMoBiTc: you cant love if you dont love yourself eMoBiTc: seriously eMoBiTc: you cant Psychoticdream1: i dont get that, can you elaborate on that? how can someone not know what love is if you cant love yourself? eMoBiTc: everything starts with yourself eMoBiTc: he expects someone to make him not hate himself anymore eMoBiTc: noone can do that eMoBiTc: he has to do it for himself eMoBiTc: noone holds a magic wand eMoBiTc: when you fall in love trust me youll know what i mena eMoBiTc: mean* Psychoticdream1: the truth? i think i have been in love once or 2ice, but it was unrequited *shrug* eMoBiTc: ok let me elaborate more Psychoticdream1: pls do eMoBiTc: he expects if he loves someone all the years of self loathing and hate he has will just go away. he expect the burden to be on someone else. he wants someone to fix the customized hell he made for himself eMoBiTc: only you can fix what you know is wrong eMoBiTc: noone should ever have the burden of doing it for you Psychoticdream1: oh i see what you mean, that is interesting.. really.. off topic what is your major? you sound very smart eMoBiTc: bio chemistry eMoBiTc: but seriously eMoBiTc: im thinking of switching Psychoticdream1: to what? eMoBiTc: i think i want to help people eMoBiTc: i think i want to be a shrink:-D Psychoticdream1: i think you would do great, you have an interesting way of talkign to someone. Psychoticdream1: want an example? eMoBiTc: ok Psychoticdream1: me lol eMoBiTc: hehe why is that? Psychoticdream1: you've never ever met me before or talked to me yet you have quite caught my attention with your ability to speak clearly what is on your mind eMoBiTc: i think its because im so much like brian eMoBiTc: i know how he feels eMoBiTc: and it kills me Psychoticdream1: maybe eMoBiTc: i want him to be happy Psychoticdream1: the question is.. will you be happy? eMoBiTc: honestly? Psychoticdream1: yeah eMoBiTc: no eMoBiTc: without brian eMoBiTc: im miserable eMoBiTc: but to see him a bit more happy would make me feel better Psychoticdream1: love got quite a hold of you eh? eMoBiTc: yes. Psychoticdream1: and to tell you the truth i feel the same way, i feel like to make someone happy you gotta let them go and let them follow what they want even if it hurts eMoBiTc: i dont think i could ever let myself feel like this again Psychoticdream1: you shouldnt talk like that Psychoticdream1: who knows.. maybe you'll find someone who makes you feel like that again and you'll regret having said that eMoBiTc: i may be only 20 (not to sound like forrest gump) but i know what love is eMoBiTc: he is my light Psychoticdream1: i feel the same way about someone i know, trust me eMoBiTc: i dont ever want him out of my life eMoBiTc: hes my best friend Psychoticdream1: good.. if you feel that way then fight to keep him in your life, even if just as a friend eMoBiTc: it hurts too much Psychoticdream1: trust me kiddo.. all guys are scared of being alone, we just dont like to show it eMoBiTc: im scared im going to lose him eMoBiTc: i want him to be happy eMoBiTc: but then again im selfish\ Psychoticdream1: how so? eMoBiTc: i want to be happy too Psychoticdream1: that is not selfishness Psychoticdream1: selfishness would be if you wanted to be happy but didnt care if he was happy or not Psychoticdream1: it's good to be selfish every now and then dont worry about it eMoBiTc: ill try not to eMoBiTc: im going to go watch tv i have a long day ahead of me eMoBiTc: thanks fidel eMoBiTc: ill keep intouch Psychoticdream1: sure kiddo no problem Psychoticdream1: i'll always be here :-) eMoBiTc: :-) Psychoticdream1: get some rest, it might do you better Psychoticdream1: as for me i gotta hit the hay cuz i gotta work early eMoBiTc: hehe k eMoBiTc: thanks again Psychoticdream1: no problem danielle, if you need someone to talk to Psychoticdream1: i'm always around :-P Psychoticdream1: later * eMoBiTc: bye someone thinks that i am smart!!!!!!! post comment

Why was I even put on this Earth? [18 Jan 2001|11:38pm] [ mood | scared ] My sinuses are killing me, and to top it all off my dad just got home. I forgot to put the tarp down on the wood pile and he rammed it with his truck. I'm just waiting for him to come in here and go off on me. I hate when he's like this. I'm scared as hell, and to make it even better I have nowhere to go to get away from him. What the fuck am I going to do? Please someone call me so I can come over. post comment

When I start to feel better something else happens... [17 Jan 2001|11:04pm] I went over to Brian's earlier, we had some important shit to discuss ( none of anybodies business yet.), and something horrible happened. He was giving me a hug goodbye , and he picked me up, and he fucking kissed me. I was shocked for two seconds then I just started balling. It hurt so bad. I was hoping I could kiss him one last time. And he said to me the other day becareful what you wish for. But you know me always thinking of myself. I don't know who kissed who really but I don't care. It still hurts like hell. God damn I'm stupid. Well I'm going to Kim's to watch a movie. Hasta mannana. post comment

[17 Jan 2001|05:42pm] blah post comment

[17 Jan 2001|04:04pm] CodeMunkee: even if you could have gotten dest.s car.. i cant do tht today because i can hardly move my feet CodeMunkee: danielle look.. yes im changing my mind again. CodeMunkee: I dont think we should see eachother tonight. it is just making things more difficult. I want you to understand that it isnt my fear that is the problem CodeMunkee: I dont have the same feelings for you that i did. You need to understand this. you need to accept this. i know you love me, i know you need me and miss me.. but i just dont feel the same way. CodeMunkee: im sorry. CodeMunkee: I dont want to be harsh, but god damn it i dont want to prolong your suffering Yeah he doesn't love me. I'm a failure. post comment

[16 Jan 2001|04:54pm] [ music | Soul Asylum - Runnaway Train ] Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a blowtorch burning I was a key that could use a little turning So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep I promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep It seems no one can help me now, I'm in too deep; there's no way out This time I have really led myself astray Runaway train, never going back Wrong way on a one-way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Can you help me remember how to smile? Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded? Life's mystery seems so faded I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train And everything seems cut and dried, Day and night, earth and sky, Somehow I just don't believe it Runaway train, never going back Wrong way on a one-way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Bought a ticket for a runaway train Like a madman laughing at the rain A little out of touch, a little insane It's just easier than dealing with the pain Runaway train, never going back Wrong way on a one-way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Runaway train, never coming back Runaway train, tearing up the track Runaway train, burning in my veins I run away but it always seems the same 2 comments|post comment

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