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Monday, November 26th, 2001
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8:38 am - WOW!
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Hi! I haven't written in a LONG time huh? Sorry. Since my last entry though, some things have happened... I dumped Jalu' because he let some white hoe that I know give him pesci and I ain't down wit that. Second, I've had more convo's wit J since and found out that yes he still does like me but, without getting into details, some stuff happened at home wit him so we kinda are putting any relationship happenings(of which we both do want) on hold. And my Aunt B told me that I was going to meet a guy at a b-ball game in red who lkes me but is very shy. I'm gonna call her more often! Chat later!
current mood:  anxious
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| Tuesday, April 17th, 2001
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2:52 am - Hello!
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My friend was here today! J. But I don't care anymore. I've moved on and found someone much better! His name is Jalu'. He is Cape Verdean and lives in Brockton. He is also one of the finest brothers I have ever met! He treats me good. Writes me poems. And says I love you every now and then but... I don't respond! I know it sounds harsh but I'm not ready for all that just yet. I gotta go! Tell you about me & J. later.
C-ya!<3
current mood:  confused
current music: Somebody's Sleeping in my bed- Sisqo
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| Friday, March 16th, 2001
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2:10 pm - Hello
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Just saying hi! Haven't talked to ya in awhile... O.K. C-ya!
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| Saturday, March 10th, 2001
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3:22 am - A note
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was given to me thursday by J. Before he gave it to me I apologized for my rudeness and he forgave me, but still gave me the note. This indicated to me that the note was about what he told my cousin and sister before. It said how right now he needs a friend not a girl and how he likes me but not as much as he believes that I like him. It also said that the reason he would never want things to go that far is that we are too good of friends and we know too much about each other already. He needs a girl that he can talk to about stuff. Now, if we are such good friends... wouldn't that make the relationship better since I would know the background of his current situations??? Oh well. And do you want to hear the funny part? This is the same exact excuse that I used this past summer when he asked me out 9 times in 2 weeks. {This is when I first started to like him again but was still somewhat infatuated with someone else.} Back then I thought he only wanted a piece of ass and I was probably right. What really makes me upset is the fact that when we were having our "Deep Conversation" last wed., he almost refused to answer my question of who he liked in which, when he finnally answered, he listed "Bambie", Erica, Emily, and... ME! Why the hell would someone say that if just 2 weeks earlier he realized that he really didn't like me on that level. That is what made me call him a faggot, not because he didn't tell me when I gave him the chance just this past wed. C-ya
current mood:  crappy
current music: Destiney's Child- Survivor
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| Thursday, March 8th, 2001
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8:40 am - the most awful day of my life!
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Last night I confronted J on everything. I gave him 1/2 an hour to tell me how he felt. I repeadedly asked him why my cousin sent me over there to talk to him. He finnaly said to tell her that he tried, but could not tell me. As I was sitting there, I called him an @$$hole and walked out. Something told me to go back and speak my mind so I did. I called him a faggot and all and told him that my bro.s g/f was right all along since she thought that he was gay. Then I left but I know that he is pissed. So am I , but I hate having people mad at me. oh, well!
current mood:  depressed
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2001
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7:48 pm - nothing still
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The most that he's said to me is hello. I think that he has been deliberately avoiding me. And truthfully, I wouldn't doubt it. What an ASSHOLE! I had a dream that he finnally told me, and I went balistic on him. Telling him exactly how I felt. And that when he wiped the vasaline off his mouth to come and talk to me but in the meantime... leave me the fuck alone. I am waiting for the day that he tells me how he really feels. I'm gonna go buck-wild on his sorry ass. Why does love have to hurt so much. Wait, why does LIKE have to hurt so much? Oh well, g-2-g.
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| Tuesday, March 6th, 2001
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2:51 am - Him
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1st, sorry for not continuing that night... I was too damned tired. 2nd, back to the subject. Someone please give me some advice if you read this. This boy J. has been such an ass and it hurts. On the 28th of feb. I had the best convo with him about us etc. I told him how I felt and who I liked {basically I told him only him which is true} and he told me how he liked me on that level too. When he asked what I was thinking about I told him the truth since we were having one of those "COMPLETE HONESTY ONLY" convo.s and I told him how I was thinking about kissing him. When I asked him what he was thinking about he said the same. As he asked me the same question {again} my conscience kicked in and I told him that I was thimking about how wrong that would be right then. Before and after this there was a lot of flirting going on. The next day he said nothing to me and I figured he just felt uncomfortable, I did as well. We both always do after a deep conversation like that. He still has said nothing to me up to this day. Just the occasional "hi" and "where's your sis. and cousin". My sister and cousin are my angels though. They told me what the prob. was. Since about 2 weeks ago, he has been contemplating on how to tell me that, altough he likes me, he thinks that I am too good for him an don't deserve him. Also that I am too serious for him right now and he wanted to know why I liked him so much... because he makes me feel good about myself. I don't have to be perfect little me. He respects me. I can't say that he cares anymore however. He never did say though that he doesn't like or want to be with me. So what am I suposed to think? My cousin and sis are still trying to get him to tell me. He doesn't know that they already told me. So I have to try and act normal and not hurt around him until he gets the balls to do so. And he told me that that email that his cousin sent back to me was written entirely by that person and not him at all. Then why, when we were talking on the 28th, did he not tell me how he really felt. In that email I sent him I asked for honesty on how he really felt. Even if he didn't email it back, he could have at least told me at some point. It has been over 2 weeks already and he is just misleading me every day that he says nothing. This hurts so much. And, although he told my cousin that him and Bambie were breaking up, I bet any amount of $ that they are still together... I hate him for that. For someone who thinks of me as a best friend too, he sure is an ass at showing it. He can't even tell me that when I basically asked him straight forward about it. I guess that proves that he doesn't care about our friendship among other things as well. My tarot cards said to forget about it but for some reason, I can't let go. You readers advice is greatly appreciated. I know that he cares about me, but nowadays I am not 115% sure. :(
P.S. Happy Birthday Afro Ame-Rican! :)
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Jagged Edge- Promise / 112- It's Over Now
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| Saturday, March 3rd, 2001
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4:29 pm - past nights
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Let's say that i had some interesting convo.s this week. I had a long convo. with my friend lacy about all of her recent probs. and about her man but truthfully... it was boring. Everyone say hello to my cousin calvin! to whom is sitting right behind me. so I'll finish tonite. :)
current mood:  blah
current music: Janet Jackson- It's all for you
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| Friday, March 2nd, 2001
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10:56 pm - I'm back
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And I am not alone. I feel like I am 5 different people all rolled up into one. No outlet, no escape, no freedom from my troubles. People act like I don't hurt every now and then and that my feelings don't matter. I feel invisible yet all eyes are on me. I'm having anxiety attack after attack. I feel claustrophobic constaintly. But then again, life sucks regularly anyways.
Things are looking up on my love side though. that I can be thankful about. I speak right now though, a certain persons ears are near by.
c-ya
current mood:  drained
current music: Brownstone- Half of You
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| Monday, February 26th, 2001
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6:25 pm - why life sometimes sucks!
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I sent a certain person an email claiming my feelings and asking for an answer. (whether we were just friends or whatever) But the answer that I recieved made me think that I shouldn't have sent it at all. Why does live proceededly kick me in the rear end every time I get happy. He had told me that he was unsure not but less than 1 month ago. And the messed up part about it was that he didn't read the email I sent... he had his cousin read it to him who is much older than he. How embarrased was I!?! Now everyone knows my business in his family probably. And he said that she replied not him and he wrote me a note that I still have not gotten. I hate life. I was so mad then that I couldn't even think straight. And at the same time that he told me what happened, he wanted to know why I had an attitude lately. I told him I didn't... at least not right then anyways. I can't stay mad cause in a way I asked for it. I said that he could tell me if he wanted to just be friends or not... but he didn't have to mention Bambie . Why the hell would I want to hear about her for. She kinda wrecked yet another chapter in my depressing life...
p.s. Sorry about not writing in so long. The shit was just hitting the fan!
current mood: depressed
current music: Creed- Beautiful
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| Thursday, February 15th, 2001
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1:39 am - Valentine's Day
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Today sucked! It really, really sucked! I went to my friend J's house only to find that he had given "Bambie" a teddy bear for her on Valentines! Can you stand it! he actually was talking to me about it. I think that he does it to intimidate me and make me jealous... who gives a fuck? not me! Not anymore. I sent him an email telling him just how I really felt... It hurt but, it had to be done. It's not like he checks them everyday anyway. Now I know that Valentines day is just a damn gimmick that Nestle and Hershey's came up with to make us buy their products. On valentine's, no one really gives two shits about you. They just don't want to look bad in case you got them something and they didn't get you a fucking thing. I know I sound pathetic saying all of this but, I've liked this kid for the past two years and that is a long fucking time.
Has anyone reading this ever thought about what life would be like after death? Just think. What if you can't think. What if it was just pitch black and you had no memories at all. I would be so scared. But, then again, I wouldn't know what I was actually afraid of... Just some food for thought.
Chow babes!
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Creed- Faceless Man
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| Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
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11:22 pm - 1st entry
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Hiya folks!
I am Shediva and if you don't like me already, you have got issues. Currently I am in a state of mental depression for various reasons, and am speaking to someone but still am single ;) The person to whom I am conversing with is my neighbor and best friend, J.
Or so we were. At least until, "Bambie", {as I like to call her} came into the picture. I really like him but, I started to receive mixed messages around the beginning of Jan. Then I met her and realized why. In Nelly's word's I am a "Thicky, thicky thicke girl!" and she is an anorexic, facially distorted _{says jealous me anyway}, short little, eleven-teen year old, herpes having bitch! As far as I am concerned, he can suck my right tit and make her left third, flat nipple jealous. And you know what, I would be glad if he read this. He told me that it was finally over, then it was undetermined, now they are back together without letting me even know.But that is o.k. because he will be getting his soon.{ and I am not talking about nookie! Although I probably wouldn't mind that!} {Omg! calm down, you haven't even made a promising commitment to the boy yet!} {I really would like to though!}
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Nelly= Greed, Hate, & Envy
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