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crushed

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it's done then. i've gotten rid of the rock in my raging sea. i had a long conversation with jameson tonight. it's classic really. i started the conversation trying to get it out that i wanted to kind of take a break from us so that i could concentrate on figuring me out. i've been pretty messed up lately and i thought maybe i could just focus on - stuff. as the conversation progressed i realized that jameson was really calm and he was hurrying to agree with me. i told him how i thought that i am learning how to handle responsibility and i brought up last summer and how i needed to get my shit together fast. i said that i haven't learned to look out for myself personally. i don't speak up when i've been hurt or if i'm in a situation where i could be. i don't say what i want because i'm afraid. i brought up last night and how i was really upset and out of nowhere jameson says that chris's mom was going to call soon and we should stop talking. we talked some more and then he said he had to get off the phone. i just said goodbye and cried. he told me that he thought that's what happened and then he went on to tell me that he expects that when someone wants something then they're going to say something. and he said, "i guess i'm just not used to you yet." this really hurt me then and it really hurts me now as i'm typing, and even though i can't explain why i do know that it hurts and for once i don't care if i'm allowed to be hurt by it or not. i told him that he's different from me. he learned that being passive isn't good. i told him that i know when he says i remind him of how he used to be that's what he's talking about and i'm trying really hard to change that. then i told him that i see myself in him with the responsibility and the job thing. it's not easy for me to critisize, i agonize over everything i say to him, worrying that i'll upset him. he told me that he can see the concern but he can't see the compassion. he told me that if i keep pushing him he's going to fall over. i tried to tell him that i was sorry about not showing enough compassion, that i see so much in him and i want to encourage him, but i don't think he heard me. shortly after that he said, "you can shoot this down if you want, but how about if we don't talk for the rest of the summer. give us some time to think." what could i do? that's what i was aiming at, at the start of the conversation, but all of a sudden it hit me and i didn't want it anymore. of course i agreed. i couldn't, being who i am, do anything else. so other than me asking him if he could still come for my birthday even though we won't be camping anymore, that was it. although technically "a break" everyone knows what that means. am i afraid? scared shitless. i don't have anyone. he was the only person in my life right now that i could call when, bad things happen. he's the only person that i could talk to when things got so much in my head that i'd pace, and eat, and half a dozen other, scarier things. i can't talk to my mom, she just tells me that her life is worse or gives me advice. i don't have anyone else. not really. i don't have the energy to create a confiding relationship, and even if i did i don't think i could summon the trust. this suddenly feels like the last link, like he really was the last rock in my raging sea and now either i have to find the strength to swim or i'll drown. the worst part is i'm rather sure that even if i called him right now and told him that it wouldn't change anything, if anything it could very well justify everything for him. my worst fear has been realized and i brought it on myself. i was so afraid that he didn't need me as much as he said he did, and now i know he doesn't whether or not he did no longer makes a difference. i finally have proof that i'm bad for relationships, for people who want to be close to me. it's hard evidence this time.
well if you've actually made it all the way through this, thank you for the time you've wasted on me. and if you enjoyed it i'm sure there'll be more as the days roll forward.

[	mood	|	awake	]
[	music	|	weird creaking... basement of straz	]

i've stopped going to art survey: modern art. i'm still doing ok in drawing. i still haven't petitioned to drop lit in it's time 2. i still go to lit traditions 2. that's pretty much school for me.
i called in sick to work tonight. i'm a little disappointed in myself because i was doing really good. i applied for leave and even though thursday is my last day on the sheduale (not this thursday the last thursday we have class the 13th) my last day of work is acually tuesday. go figure. i don't really care if i get a raise or not, i just really hope that i'll still have my job when i get back. since it looks as though me getting a job over the summer is going to be a little bit harder than i thought, i'm really going to need that money. especially the way school's going, since it seems i shall be here even longer than i thought.
i had another emotional thing today. something happened between jameson and me and instead of just saying how i felt i ran away and ended up smoking another cigarette. at least i didn't burn myself or scratch off any skin this time. although when i was talking to jameson about it later he agreed with me that physically speaking the cigarette was probably worse. emotionally they're pretty close though.
that's why i called in to work. he's in practice right now so i'm online. i came online to email deborah. something's got to give and i really need to let it.

[

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tired

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last night i didn't do my paper. i did some of my homework and then karl and i went to walgreens and i bought b-day cards for my family. then i went to jameson's and ended up spending the night. today we got up really late (11) and ate "breakfast" in the caf. then we wen't to wal-mart and got my check. i told him i'd buy him something so we wandered around electronics and toys for a while, but i said i wanted to go some other places first. we went to hobby lobby and tjmax. i bought him a puzzle and i bought some clothes. i missed class. i didn't do my paper. we watched life as a house and we ate pizza from papa john's. later i broke down and started crying because i was insanely worried that i was pregnant. i knew that i wasn't and that there was practically no way i could be but i was worried anyway and i ended up telling him a huge pile of stuff. i cried and then cried some more. it was a pretty draining emotional experience. now i'm futzing online. i guess i'm kind of hoping to see him again before i head back to the apartment. he said his meeting was supposed to be short. *shrug*

new things...
i was engaged to jameson... then i wasn't.... then i was... now i'm not.
we were going to get married in 2006... then 2005... then 2006 now we're not.
we were going to get married in rio... then illinois... then kenosha... then rio... then hawaii... now we're not.
we broke up and then we got back together, but we're together now and that's a good thing.

he's changed. i wanted him to change so bad and now that he has...
i haven't changed, not for the better. i'm worse, but i'm trying. jameson thinks that i need "help." he never says what this mythical help is supposed to be but apparently i don't have what's necessary for this. there must be some outside force. he alludes to me being in therapy and i think he thinks i need to be on some kind of medication. this isn't really plausible, considering. he's gotten full of advice in the past couple of weeks, which means that he's gotten really annoying. it's true that i liked him better when he just gave me a shoulder to cry on instead of a book full of "this is what worked for me so it's going to work for you" ... stuff.

i got health insurance and now i have to cancel it because i can't afford it. why? because carthage fucked up my financial aid thingy and as of four days ago i was informed that i owe them $1900 by the third of may. yeah right, cuz i have that much laying around. it's ok though because with my next paycheck from good 'ole walmart i can put just enough on my credit card to make room for this unexpected expenditure. yeah. and then i'll just barely be able to make my monthly payments on the beast. good times right?

school's not going so great. i'm going to class, but i'm not really getting my work done. right now i should be writing a paper that's due tomorrow, but instead i'm on the internet. woo hoo. bah.

[

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okay

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hmmm, new things:
went home for thanksgiving break. it was ok. i guess my favorite part was getting to sleep in as long as i felt like which was usually much shorter than when jameson wanted to sleep 'till. oddly enough he complains of my bed being uncomfortable but he didn't seem to ready to get out of it.
we left for rio on friday and we took steffie along for the ride. saturday we went to my friend stefy's suprize welcome home party. i was mildy suprized as to the lack of stories concerning basic, but there was millions of middle-schoolers milling around for her sister's birthday party so maybe she was distracted by bright shinny objects.
sunday my mom had an early thanksgiving for me because i left on wednesday to go to jameson's house.
thanksgiving was nice. food was good. i had a semi-interesting time. it wasn't altogether exciting but it wasn't boring either. the rest of the time at his house i basically spent looking for something to do. he had his x-box (which i had him hook up at my house and i actually played yes i did) and he had the internet so he was usually amused. i wrote an extra-credit paper for my english lit class, it was a week late but it's extra-credit so it's all good. even if i only got one point it was worth the twenty minutes i spent writing it.
saturday i bought a game cube. i don't feel that this was actually an impulse buy. i've been thinking about buying a game cube since the price dropped down to 99.99 and when i saw the commersial for the promotional zelda game with game cube purchace i knew it was time to fork over the credit card. speaking of which i need to check my balance. doint that now.

[

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blah

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i submitted this to a creativity with your favorite element contest here on campus. i was one of two winners (which isn't as exciting once you realize there was only four entries). for my troubles i recieved a beaker mug, which i'm quite proud of, and some random stuff in it as well. oh yeah, and free nachos, i was all about the free nachos. anyway, i was just excited that there were people to whom i didn't have to explain all the jokes to. a joke isn't funny if you have to tell people it's funny. anyway here it is:
Dearest Xenon,
How can I begin to express my feelings for you? You mean so much to me that the mere thought of you sends thrills through my heart. There is nothing about you that I do not love, nay cherish. I love you, I say, and I’ll say it 53 more times, if only to reach your number, the number that is sacred only because it is yours. You are a noble beauty, more noble, think I, than your five brothers; and I admire your disdain for all the garish colors of nature, how proud you are of your colorless hue. If only I could melt your heart, it is so simple a task (only -111.9 °C) and if that I could boil your passion for it takes only a small amount of heat to reach (-108.1°C). Your neutrality in argument is commendable and 77 rings in my ears, for it is you Xenon, my beloved! Oh that I could have your hand in marriage, I would present you with a ring, not of any specific crystal nature, but whose structure would be cubic to better compliment your wondrous countenance. Marriage to you, Xenon who is a powerful light illuminating my life is something I must, need to aspire to. How can anyone not be changed by the glow of your lamp of delight? If we were to be wed I would build you a house and fill it with chambers, chambers of bubble to best suit your needs. To obtain your love I would do anything, anything that you ask. I would even turn the air to liquid at your command. I cherish your father, Sir William Ramsey, for bringing you to this world. A world that was dark and cold before you graced her waiting arms. If only you were in my arms, then I could be truly happy. I worship your year of delivery. 1898 is sacred in my soul because of you. Dearest Xenon, I beg you, console my heart. Tell me that you will return my love, my devotions with all the energy you have ( for you have five levels: 2,8,18,18,8) and I know that in the face of such energy I could only attempt to match it. I plead with you Xenon, forsake your namesake and remain not a stranger to me.

Sincerely,
Julia Hannah Jacobson

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awake

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Snagged from alithium

1.Boyfriend's name: Jameson Robert Gagnepain
2.Hair/eyes: Dark blonde/BLUE
3.His Height: ummm 5'7"
4.His age: 20
5.Dating since: 05/10/2003
6.First actual date: ummm... damn I can't remember the date... it was a double date with his sister and her husband i know that.
7.Who asked who out? On the date? Him. Who started the dating? Me.
8.Where/when did the asking take place? In Jameson's bed, afternooninsh.
9.Describe your first kiss: He walked me to my door... stood there... left. I went inside, then ran after him and kissed him.
10.When did you meet him: French 101, 09/03/2001
11.Worst qualities: Argumentative, competative... (likes to WiN).
12.Best physical feature: Eyes... butt (what? it's cute).
13.Best emotional qualities: He is always concerned about how I'm feeling and never lets me feel sad or go too long without telling me that he loves me.
14.Favorite outfit for him to wear: I like it when he dresses up, but only cuz it's rare and i like it when he wears tighter shirts with his baggy pants (that are only baggy cuz he's too skinny ;).
15.Favorite place to cuddle: Wherever he is.
16.Type of cologne he wears:He doesn't
17.Do you ever argue? Semi-frequently, but never heatedly.
18.Favorite school event to attend together: Ummm, does MP count? (Merely Players: improve group).
19.Best thing he's ever done for you: Take me seriously and love me.
20.Do you perform sexual favors for him? Why yes I do.
21.If so, which is your favorite? Hmmm, I'd have to say... for the sanity of certain members of my friend's list: I'll keep that to myself.
22.Do you have sex? Nope
23.If not, how far have you gone? See #21
24.Seen each other naked? Mmhmmm.
25.If so, when was the last time? Each other? Sunday.
26.When was the first time? Ummm, I don't member.
27.When was the last time you kissed? Maybe 15 minutes ago.
28.Favorite type of kiss together? All of them (I concur)
29.Do you tease him? Constantly
30.Is it easy to turn him on? Depending, yes.
31.What's your favorite way to tease him, if you do? Hmmmm.
32.Best movie you've seen together: The Matrix Reloaded
33.Worst movie you've seen together:uhhh The English Patient
34.His favorite outfit of yours: huh, he likes the new halter dress I just bought, be he doesn't want me to wear it...
35.Favorite thing he's given you: More happy than I can handle.
36.Favorite thing you've given him:heh...
37.Favorite date: When we went to see Finding Nemo.
38.Thing you regret most that you did during your relationship: dude...
39.Does his family like you? A little too much maybe.
40.Does your family like him? Why yes they do.
41.Say something to sum your relationship up:Constatnly on the edge of ruin (melodrama, seriously) we're happy-sappy silly boxes of odd.

[

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-Do you want to go on a roller coaster?
Nah, I'm not really up to it right now.
-We can go on your favorite...
Well alright I suppose.

Wow, that was wonderful!
-My turn, where are the tickets?
Oh, I don't have any left, is it ok if you don't go?
-Yeah, sure.