Miss Penny Lane's LiveJournal -- Entries

Miss Penny Lane's LiveJournal Entries

Miss Penny Lane

[ website | the writings of emily rugburn ]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]

[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

sing me to sleep. [06 Jul 2002|12:18am]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | click. click. click. ]

i have this strange knot in the pit of my stomach.

i can't figure out why.

i think i'm excited to go to the city tommorrow. i miss it. i miss them. i hope this little outing goes well.

i wish i could figure out what i'm upset about. i just have this strange lonely feeling that has set in, with no catalyst that i can think of, and it's sorta eating away at me right now. i feel kind of like crying but i dont think i will because it's easier not to right now.

i'm such a mess sometimes.

invade the city

im bouncin off the walls again i'm lookin like a fool again so go ahead and take a picture... [29 Jun 2002|01:33pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

[ music | bouncin off the walls - sugarcult ]

...then hang it up so you can tear me down.

yeah, fuck the thoughts. fuck 'em.

so - i like sugarcult. is that horrible? i mean... oh god. yeah, i like sugarcult. sigh.

my fucking head hurts.

...twenty-four hours on an empty brain: i got my finger on the trigger and you're in the way...

invade the city

...and who *forgot* to remind me that little plastic is a bitchin album? [22 Jun 2002|03:51pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | derp. as is. ]

as is

you can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely
cuz you lied
in my face of all places
but i've got no
problem with that really

what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is

just give up
and admit you're an asshole
you would be
in some good company
i think you'd find
that you friends would forgive you
or maybe i
am just speaking for me

cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things

--(from an old version, pre-album)--
you can't hide
behind social graces
cuz i don't buy it
like everyone else
and you can lie
in my face of all places
just don't
lie to yourself
------------------------------------

cuz i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i say
when i say i'll take it
i mean,
i mean as is...

-ani difranco

1 mile an hour| invade the city

oh yeah, something else... [22 Jun 2002|03:01pm]

ps, i ran into (of all fucking people) travis swan yesterday. cosmic godfuck. it was so fucking awkward... first of all he looks like he's fucking dead. and then i actually had the perverse lack of presence of mind to mention craig&teddy.; i realized as soon as i said it, and then i almost cried or ran away or something... so ridiculous. yay for my idiocy, and yay for me apparently being cursed or something. and looking at him, i was just like, wow... if this happened 6 months ago i would still have a giant stupid girly lame crush on you... and now you kinda make my stomach turn in a big way and you dont know that i know but maybe you do because i'm a fucking IDIOT and i just told you that i knew people who you knew then and who i definitely shouldn't have mentioned. gah. it was not so good and thinking about it is making my stomach all turny again (i get that way when i think about it. actually i kinda get that way thinking about stuff involving katherine in general. not in a katherine-makes-my-stomach-turn kinda way, but just in the general scheme of things and my relationship to her in the fucking extended metaphor that is craig's life...) so i'm going to stop typing.

yes.

bah.
miss penny

invade the city

what a motherfucking surprise. no really i'm shocked. [22 Jun 2002|02:55pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

[ music | i just got that awful "alive" song from 'amy in my head. ]

Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You? Take the test here

damn right they drove me gay... aghghahghga. too bad i could never be a lesbian. it's not for lack of trying, you see. hell, i even had a girlfriend for a few hours a few nights ago. granted, it was sam... but still, i'm trying. operation: dyketastic was in full swing when i met craig, so we're just going to have to try and kick-start the operation again. riiiiiiiight. ("good luck with that").

invade the city

my thoughts are stuttering. how interesting. [18 Jun 2002|01:54am]

[ mood | yeah. ]

[ music | asleep - the smiths ]

i i i want people i want i want people to know, i'd like, i'd like for you to know it's not, it's not that i dont WANT to feel, to feel (please i'd like to feel better now) to feel better about all this i'd like, i think i think i'd like nothing more than to feel better, but i'm just, i just, i'm just going to have to SHINE IT ON for a little while a little while longer because i can't i can't help it right now i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so, i want to be the life of the party but, i'm sorry i'm sorry i can't pick up spirits right now i'm sort of stuck i'm sorry i'm stuck in this place but i'll try, i promise i'll try to get better,it's just, i'm lonely, i'm lonely and i think i'm hurt more than angry which i hate because i i i hate when i let people hurt me, and i hate this sign of weakness, see, i'd like, i think, i'd like to get better now i want i would like nothing more i want i'd like to feel better. now.

i'm sorry i've been so upset and moody lately.

i'll feel better soon.

if i've snapped at you. or been unkind. or just stupid and melancholy and linger-y. please. understand that i am sorry and i'll be better soon. i just need some time with these thoughts. and then i'll mend. and things will be okay, because allie always says - things are going to be okay. and if you can't believe allie - who the fuck can you believe?

i love you guys so much.
miss penny.

2 miles an hour| invade the city

you can kiss it, you can break all the rules, but still everything is broken. everyone is broken. [17 Jun 2002|12:27am]

[ mood | crushed ]

[ music | just - radiohead ]

fuck this.
fuck my thoughts.
fuck ani lyrics.
fuck photographs.
fuck my poetry from a month ago.
fuck finding my poetry from a month ago.
fuck lingering in this melancholy ugly state.
fuck the fact that i can't help it.
fuck "ask the dust".
fuck the violent femmes.
fuck happiness is a warm gun, martha my dear, and why dont we do it in the road.
fuck "show me round your smokey mountains way down south, take me to your daddy's farm".
fuck "i don't like your girlfriend, i blame her/never seen one of your lovers do you so much harm/i loved you first and you know i would prefer/if she didn't empty her syringes into your arm".
fuck morphine, amphetemines, cocaine, and kitchen tables.
fuck dope. fuck dope. fuck dope.
fuck "needle addiction", fuck the imagery of that needle in your vein.
fuck not being able to take back my emotions.
fuck not being able to take back my words.
fuck words said in "sincerity" that become painful later.
fuck lame apologies.
fuck lame apologies that force me to smile anyway.
fuck weakness.
fuck feeling like this, still.
fuck feeling invisible again.
fuck vermont, fuck maple fucking syrup, fuck strung out girls with ridiculous names.
fuck pregnancy.
fuck marriage.
fuck the ashtray, broken, repaired, and broken again.
fuck trusting you.
fuck trusting you against all odds.
fuck trusting you against better judgement.
fuck trusting you against all warnings.
fuck trusting you when you gave me ample reason not to.
fuck yellow tonic water bottles.
fuck horrible, horrible cheap vodka.
fuck the stoop.
fuck barnes and noble.
fuck standing in the rain in union square and being paralyzed.
fuck feeling comepletely safe in pincushion-arms.
fuck t.s. elliot.
fuck shakespearian sonnets.
fuck dorothy parker.
fuck the queen mab speech - incorrect quote and all.
fuck yeats-in-the-park in lieu of class.
fuck talking and talking and talking and holding your hand and letting you listen.
fuck letting you call me "beautiful".
fuck crying in front of you.
fuck crying because of you.
fuck the velvet underground.
fuck "heroin, be the death of me - it's my wife, and it's my life."
fuck the pixies.
fuck post-punk.
fuck the jukebox at monas.
fuck the dance floor at monas.
fuck the drinks at monas.
fuck monas.
fuck song-to-person association.
fuck smell association.
fuck memories.
fuck enjoyable memories.
fuck cigarette runs/beer runs/food runs just to be with eachother.
fuck "inconspicuous" departures.
fuck having to lie about it.
fuck hurting her, because you did, and then we did, and you knew it.
fuck being confused, fuck being completely unaware of where you are.
fuck wondering where you are.
fuck caring.
fuck la casa.
fuck loeb - oh god, fuck loeb.
fuck the shirt that still smells like you.
fuck that sid viscious glossy-eyed stare.
fuck nancy-to-your-sid, bonnie-to-your-clyde.
fuck being stuck on a fucking junkie.
fuck being compared.
fuck knowing why you always run away.
fuck katherine.
fuck letting katherine be the excuse for everything you do.
fuck letting the past dictate the future.
fuck always being afraid.
fuck letting myself get fucked over again.
fuck being warned and not listening.
fuck the idiocy of screwing up twice.
fuck the feeling in my stomach that lets me know a third time wouldn't be a surprise, if it weren't for all this.
fuck this web you wrapped me up in.
fuck everyone i know making pincushions of themselves.
fuck falling into a cycle i can't drag myself out of,
and most of all, fuck you. for all of this - fuck you.

((forgive my predictable rant))

1 mile an hour| invade the city

Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt. [12 Jun 2002|05:35pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

[ music | blah. ]

If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
-Dorothy Parker

invade the city

help me in my weakness, 'cause i'm calling out of grace... [11 Jun 2002|11:53pm]

[ mood | um... ]

[ music | pale blue eyes - velvet underground (ow.) ]

god...so tired. why so tired? i'm such an old lady.

thoughts:

-jake makes me crazy happy. that's all.

-the squirrels in the dumpster need to stay the FUCK away from me.

-i have to call diana soon.

-i like my job. i am definitely acquiring florist's hands - i de-thorned roses today. fuck yeah.

-i'm excited for rocky this weekend. yay for dressin' up skanky and matisse deciding i'm the lesbian.

-sometimes my mom tells me, for twenty minutes after allie leaves, how fucking cool she is. and i'm like - ma, i know. that's why she's my best friend. but it's pretty bitchin anyway.

-sean had better marry lauren cuz she's fucking cool.

-i'm still working on the manifesto. it's going to be something, i'll tell you that.

that's all for now. i'm off to make side 2 of the first summer tape, which will include ZERO that's right ZERO songs about heroin (cuz i think "white light, white heat", "happiness is a warm gun" and "heroin" all on the first side made allie want to kill people...)

closing statement:
"Sometimes I feel so happy,
Sometimes I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel so happy,
But mostly you just make me mad.
Baby, you just make me mad.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Thought of you as my mountain top,
Thought of you as my peak.
Thought of you as everything,
I've had but couldn't keep.
I've had but couldn't keep.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes."
-lou reed, "pale blue eyes"

...

desperately seeking mental respite,
miss penny says lou reed will be mine, oh yes - he will be mine.

invade the city

"...it's my wife, it's my life..." [05 Jun 2002|07:34pm]

[ mood | just like jesus' son ]

[ music | heroin & sweet jane - v.u. ]

nick carter (that idiot dj on wbcn) was babbling today after playing "caress me down" by sublime and he mumbled something about "stay away from the H, kids..." and went on to talk about how important it is for kids to look at bradley nowell and make sure to stay away from heroin. i was impressed, considering nick carter's generally a moron, that he was making a positive statement on this factor. then his co-dj guy was like... yeah, unless you want to be the envy of all your friends... and carter renegs the entire 5 minute diatribe and says "ok, the NEW public service announcement is, 'dont do heroin - unless you wanna be the coolest kid in your school'..."

sometimes i hate the radio.

on a pleasant note, however, my new job is kinda bitchin, and i'll be getting a paycheck sometime soon which is such a wonderful thing. nadia's been making some of the deliveries with me. that makes me intensely happy. we're excellent partners in crime. minimal progress on the florist's hands. i have to do more conditioning and get back to you on that front.

ok. so here's the thing... i'm feeling fine all day, doing well, working, so on, so forth... and then i hit bottom for no reason. and it's been when i'm at home. with the fam. which is no fucking help. i really need to pull myself out of this lonely-feeling cycle cuz it hurts like hell and it's time to deal with it or cut it loose. blah.

mmm, chocolate stout. (do you guys think i drink pussy-beer?)

one and one and one is three,
miss penny is a stare that lasts for an uncomfortably long moment

3 miles an hour| invade the city

"speak, why will you never SPEAK." [01 Jun 2002|03:32am]

[ mood | call me a wan-bulance ]

[ music | asleep - the smiths ]

I WANT MY HEAD BACK. i want my thoughts back. fucking christ, i just want one day's respite, one day where my thoughts are free of this heavy syrupy-thick lonliness. i want to go to bed for one night and not wish he were there with me. understand, it's not that i'm lonely, all the time. i surround myself with people i love and care about, but somehow ("so i wait for you, and i burn...")i always end up having at least one moment ("...will i ever see your sweet return...") where i'm almost cold i'm so detatched and i'm so fucking lonely and i feel that fucking dull ache and i know what would fix it ("...oh, will i ever ever learn...") and i hate that i'm not smart enough to wake up and search for something ("...oh, sweet lover you should've come over.") BETTER to fill that hole in my chest, dug in underneath my ribcage feeling hollow all too often lately, something. someone. better. because aching for this shit is pointless, and stupid as well, because even if i got what i wanted i couldn't keep it, as having what i want would in actuality be a horrible idea... i want my fucking head back.

"sing me to sleep - sing me to sleep - i dont want to wake up on my own anymore. sing to me." - the smiths

this is bollocks, darlings,
miss penny hates feeling emo.

2 miles an hour| invade the city

i like cooking with good white wine, cuz it means i can drink it as i go... [30 May 2002|06:27pm]

[ mood | hungry ]

[ music | tv news ]

i just made *the* most amazing dinner. i hope they like it.

the big manifesto is still coming. it's not done yet. maaaaan. it's pretty intense. ha.

i'm fucking hungry. where's my dad?

allie where are you? i wish you were having dinner with us. blah to that. blah to strawberry pops. yes.

that's all i think. that and: i made a sticker for my lunch box that says "Fuck Heroin. Eat." which makes me happy.(because, boys and girls, no matter how you ingest it: "There's No Hope In Dope"...)

all my love and whatnot,
miss penny says fuck tha po-lice

invade the city

an allie conversation + 14 cups of coffee later... (or: "mother held him too much or not enough...") [30 May 2002|06:24pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

[ music | pretty vacant - the sex pistols ]

(from a few nights ago)

i tried to talk about him tonight. it was ridiculous. i couldn't gather my thoughts or express what i meant at all. and if i closed my eyes, even out of frustration at my inability to articulate, it was like being caught in his goddamn headlights. i still find myself making excuses - usually his fucking patented excuses - for his behavior. i can't help it - i try to agree and then there's a voice that says "if you don't get his back, who will?" and he's had so many moments where he held together my pieces, so many nights where a word from him could kick my mood in the ass and remind me that every minute of this life is worth living the hell out of, so many instances where his touch was all i wanted in the room, city, state, world, and he was there for me. there were times, yes, when he wasn't there when i wished he was, but unfortunately these are not the thoughts that stick to the flypaper-for-thoughts in my head. so, i get his back, defend him and his stupid, inconsiderate, junkie-mentality actions every goddamn time. because i'll try to get angry with him, and then i'll remember the first night at the retreat, or the lobby of chicagomatt's house or the night in angie's kitchen when i cried and screamed and just kept talking and fell apart at the seams, and he stayed with me, and he wanted to stay with me, and he held my hand and listened and listened and cared. and these thoughts run head first into my other, "well-advised" thoughts, and i'm fucked. i guess the point of all this is just that i know right now, if he were to show up and tell me that he was done with this girl, i'd fall into the same pattern one more time, and my back would be against that fucking wall again. because i'm stuck on the goddamn junkie.i hate knowing that. but i'm also not going to lie to myself or anyone else and deny that that's the case, cuz fuck anyone who thinks i'm unjustifyed, i really dont care. and i shouldnt have to pretend that everything about this is so fucking funny. because some of it isn't.

goddamit. i hate realizing weakness.

bugger off,
miss penny

invade the city

fun with the dictionary at 3am... [29 May 2002|11:58pm]

[ mood | intellectual ]

[ music | fortunate fool - jack johnson ]

of interest to me: from webster's ninth new collegiate dictionary (published 1985)

heroin:\her-e-wen\ n. [fr. Heroin, a trademark] (1898) a strongly addictive narcotic C21H23NO5 that is made by acetlyation of, but is more potent than, morphine and that is prohibited for medical use in the US but is used illicitly for its euphoric effects.

heroine:\her-e-wen\ n. [L. Heroina fr Gk. heroine fem of heros] (ca 1659) 1 a: a mythlogical or legendary woman having the qualities of a hero b: a woman admired and emulated for her achievement and qualities 2 a: the principal female character in a literary or dramatic work. b: the central female figure in an event or period.

i find this interesting for several reasons.

a. they are directly next to eachother in the dictionary. this seems like it would be obvious (what with the spelling, it would stand to reason) but i still believe it to be of note.

b. i think this should be or somehow does (not sure yet how) further my theory that Heroin is a feminine substance - the nature of it is female (subargument: what does this say about my heroin-and-homoeroticism argument? is the user not being seduced by the substance, which in my estimation is female in nature? how then, is the homoerotic relevant to the male dope-user?)

c. "the central [female] figure in an event or period", "a mythological or legendary woman having the qualities of a hero". in the words waxed poetic that i have heard from dope-users describing Heroin, these definitions would both ring appropriate and accurate.

d. i'm positive i'm not the first to get all pneumonic about this but isn't Heroin, to many dope-users, to be viewed as a heroine? (i realize this is pretty much the same point as is made in point c, but it's the word-play that interests me here...)

e. for some reason Medea weighs heavy in my mind here, as a tragic heroine. tragic, interesting.

f. obviously (on a personal note), my thought process travels directly to the craig parallel. Katherine - the central female figure in an event or period (in this case the period of time in his life). of interest, the way heroine and Heroin coincide here.

i suppose that's all i have on this matter for now. anyones thoughts or comments would be welcomed - i'd like thoughts that aren't just mine, cuz words make me think too much and i'm probably reading into things a whole lot. well, anyway.

/end rant-investigation-dissection.

she's got it all figured out,
miss penny is used illicitly for her euphoric effects.

invade the city

a chance meeting, really... [29 May 2002|09:13pm]

[ mood | yeah. ]

[ music | dear prudence - the beatles ]

the stoop on 11th street, (less a stoop than an indent in the sidewalk) tonic water bottle full of cheap vodka,
brushing unkempt blonde hair from his eyes, adjusting glasses that don't help him to see.
"brigit?"
"brigid."
"brigid. ...have we met?"

and then the grin that shatters the earth around it.

invade the city

to preface the next few entries... [29 May 2002|08:59pm]

[ mood | whitealbumtastic ]

[ music | glass onion - the beatles ]

so, i've been doing a lot of thought-excavation recently and many thoughts that i'm coming across during this mental-spring-cleaning happen to be (surprise!) about craig, and related topics. i'm going to be writing some stuff in here that i've been scribbling down because i find the thoughts somewhat interesting (and i'm always excited when i think my thoughts might be interesting, even if i later come to find out that they aren't) if you're anti-hearing about him/related issues, or if you think i'm dqwelling or even if you just dont care to deal with these thoughts (some of them are oddly jarring, at least to me) please feel free not to read them. but most importantly, i dont want anyone getting worried or concerned due to the resurgence in craig and/or drug related thoughts. i'm not all depressed or freaking out. i'm just pensive. and pensive is ok, maybe even good. might lead to (gasp) dealing with some issues instead of just laughing and spouting "russel...has a girlfriend. and i can't even say her name." (although that's still pretty damn ironic)...

that's all. just so people are aware.
mwah.
miss penny owns you/.

invade the city

descisions... [29 May 2002|01:48am]

[ mood | a bit drunk ]

[ music | i still have "happiness"in my head ]

-i like allie + tony + marmon + woods.

-everything leads back to newburyport, and that scares me.

-i have things. that are to be updated on here. big manifestos. but they're coming later. i told you, get excited.

-allie says she doesn't enjoy "partaking" at home. i might agree with her? it's just different at school. even bacardi silver is different at school.

-diana finding a new prospective boy = very good

-talking to tony about the city just makes me miss the convenience of EVERYTHING in new york.

-i need to get these thoughts OUT of my head, because they're not going to make me feel any better they're just going to make me remember, which only leads to me getting furstrated/confused/nostalgic/defensive. those are not good things to be.

i think that's all. i need to sleep really badly and i'm going to right...now.

heart.
miss penny

1 mile an hour| invade the city

when the trash bag's too full of liquor bottles to tie it shut... [28 May 2002|09:39pm]

[ mood | angry ]

[ music | i'm so tired - the beatles ]

fuck this place - just fuck it. that's all.

there's a whole bunch of ramiblings that are going to be posted in here soon. get excited.

i can literally say right now, however, "fuck it dude - let's go bowling".

heart,
miss penny

invade the city

tisse & i matched on this one. [25 May 2002|06:48pm]

which beatles song are you?
this quiz was made by janel

fucking amazing song, and must i ask again... why dont we do it in the road?

invade the city

oh yeah, something else... [25 May 2002|06:22pm]

[ mood | amused ]

ps: can i just say that the "you're free, cheesybread, FREE! go! GOOOO!" commerical is definitely to be credited as one of my reasons for living right now? jesus god, i love that.

(yeah... the "jesus god" bit started as a fear and loathing ref and has since worked it's way into my everyday vocabulary... interesting...)

1 mile an hour| invade the city

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