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Friday, February 9th, 2001
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3:13 am - love me!
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love me! what am i doing wrong? i find a perfect guy, who won't leave no matter how bad i treat him... and i don't want him. erg.
current mood:  aggravated
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2:33 am - my celebrity-match was....
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*LOL* i swear, this thing is not lying.... i did a quiz for who my celebrity match would be, and it asked what i preferred... so i clicked on woman, and i did the test, and it came up with Britney Spears!!! that cracks me up, because i'm OBSESSED with britney spears!!! *RAWR* lol... that rocks so bad. hehehe. :)
current mood:  horny
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12:41 am - destiny
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I swear, God must have some really huge plans for my life. Over and over again Satan keeps throwing all these bad things in my life and keeps trying to get me to kill myself and all this other stupid stuff... I'm so depressed and so just... pissed at the world. So, three months or so ago I got engaged, and now I'm trying my damndest to call it all off. I've treated him like shit, told him a billion times I don't want to be engaged because I don't know if it's God's will. And I don't. I want some freaking sign from God that I'm with the person I'm supposed to be before I go off and marry him and realize three years down the road that I was supposed to marry someone else. This summer at camp I met a guy named Brad Edwards, and fell head over heels in love with him. I still can't get over him. He's perfect. And now all this shit with Danny and I just want some very obvious sign from God who I'm supposed to be with. And I'm willing to be patient. But when I'm sitting here night after night with Danny fighting because he's so depressed because his life would be Hell without me. Well how many freaking guys have told me that? And are they alive and happy now? Yes.. So why should that have any affect on me at all? I'm just so freaking frustrated with everything. I'm applying to a college in the same city where Brad lives, and I'm also applying to a Christian college in Texas. I think that's the thing I need the most, is to be at a college where God is number one and I don't have to worry about guys!!! I mean, I know there will be guys there, but their number one concern will be God, and I won't be pressured into anything. I want to get my life right with God first before I get married, but apparently that's not possible. So wherever I go, Danny's going to go. I want just to be far away and to find out while I'm down there if that's who I'm supposed to be with. Maybe I'll propose that as an idea. I'll go to college in Texas away from everybody, and when I'm down there i'll get an answer. My mom and dad both went to college there. It's either there or Oral Roberts University in oklahoma. Maybe I'll apply to both. I"M SO FRIGGIN FRUSTERPATED!
current mood:  indescribable
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| Thursday, February 8th, 2001
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5:58 pm
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5:57 pm
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I'm taking new correspondance classes from Indiana University classes, and I'm going to post my writing assignments on here. (The Composition class, not the american history and government crap, who cares about that stuff, right?) :)
current mood:  blah
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| Friday, December 15th, 2000
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6:07 pm
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I hate this... my heart feels so heavy. I'm sad. I miss Justin. I think I'm happy with Danny, but then I start thinking about Justin and how horrible his Christmas is going to be this year, and it just tears me up. I see pictures of us everywhere, and everything that reminds me of him makes me cry. I miss him like crazy. The doctor has me on a different kind of depression medicine now.
current mood:  depressed
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| Monday, December 4th, 2000
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5:44 pm
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I'm waiting on Danny to come get me... I'm picking through songs that I can sing on Sunday at Church... oh wait... I have to work Sunday. Nevermind. :) I had another near-nervous breakdown last night. Me and Justin have decided not to talk for awhile. It'll help us heal. It just hurts so bad because I know the way he copes is to be hateful and hurtful... And I don't want him to hate me. Once Danny gets here he's gotta go take a shower, then we're going by the mall to pick up something for my "secret pal" and then we're gonna go see my mom. We may just go to Wal-Mart. Well, I'm getting restless, so I'm gonna go find something constructive to do.
current mood:  ditzy
current music: Flower in the rain - Jaci V
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| Sunday, December 3rd, 2000
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11:32 pm
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Artist: Lee Ann Womack
Album: I Hope You Dance
Title: I Hope You Dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone
current mood:  content
current music: Redeemer - Nicole C Mullen
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