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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
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3:24 pm - Spanky spunky
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And where all you crazy mo'fo'in' friends list people at, huh? Im bored. Im at work. I NEED THINGS TO READ! Ive read the rest of the internet twice over now today just to keep myself from resorting to driving hot needles into my eyeballs to distract myself from the foul stench of wasted lives and perished souls that eminates from this office.
You hear me? The Internet! ALL OF IT!
TWICE TOADY ALREADY!
And by the 90th porn site, second time round, i was sore, know what im saying?
god damn my job...
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2:16 pm - He said 'i wanna be a singer like lou reed', 'oh i like lou reed!' she said...
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Somethings rotten, or at least rotting, around here. Other than my ankle that is, which looks like it might be about to gush forth its rancid packings...
Nothing feels quite right today. The air is empty, the sky is grey and emotionless, im experiencing temperate at its most temperate, and my mind is wandering. I know what i need to do, i think. Everything feels mediocre.
Yesterday i had to write a few paragraphs out giving a synopsis of the lyrics to Paper Skin, a song i wrote initially over two years ago. Theres this film guy we know who has offered to make a music video for us so cant complain. Writing all this stuff out yesterday tho, dredging up past emotions and memories long forgotton, it made me feel weird.
But it made me realise how good things are now, in theory at least. But again, nothing amounts to anything more than perspective. The way i feel now, the way i felt yesterday, the two are divorced entirely from each other. Chemicals ebb and flow in my brain like the Mersey tide. Colour me microcosmically bipolar, or something, perhaps just human. Human seeking for a perfection he knows will never exist for perfection is a fallacy. Whatever, how pretentious. The fact is thats all its about. Tomorrow i will be different again, i think, better, i hope, in fact im sure, as ive not felt like this in i while...
And im having real difficulty switching off these days too. I dont just sit back any more and do nothing. Even when i have the time, i feel like i ought to be oding something. I used to be so good at doing nothing! I miss it. I must re learn...
What is all this anyway? No more self indulgence today for tomorrow, i see the pixies. Why the hell am i being a miserable cunt?
THE FUCKING PIXIES!!!!!
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| Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
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9:15 am - Plugging away, shamelessly....
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If anyone wants to make my year and order a copy of I am Jack's debut CD release online via this page right here -----> (take 1 records) then that would be lovely. International orders available too, i think. Its hidden inside the shop tab on the right hand side.
Or, if you want to wait a while, you can go here to listen to some Mp3s which may, or may not, appear in a couple of days.....
Its your call.
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
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4:24 pm - Jane, pass me The Colonel....
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Man ive felt rough today. Woke up with a start when J knocked on my door at 9.30, and i practically shat myself. I so very meant it when i said i wasnt going to get pissed last night. ahem...
So yeah, i have vague memories of the train back at wank o'clock in the morning and equally vague memories of me probably acting like a complete dick. I think Big played me a Bloc Party track which i remember thinking was shite, even tho now i dont remember the actual song... And then i remember reassembling my bike at york station and then hooning it back with a spliff in hand, thinking a) "im a cool mofo, mofo", b) "christ, why wont the road stay still?...", and c) for some reason that i was gonna be back ages before Al in his taxi. It goes without saying that i was mighty surprised to find that he had been in 10 minutes by the time i returned and was in bed. Amazing i made it back alive tho.
Banal stuff this...
Anyway, our game needs to be upped, Morales Style... No more unimportant looking tuesday night gigs in dodgy daves bargain big function room. That said, i personally quite enjoyed the evening, but the point stands. We are above this, and we need to start acting that way. More arrogance required... Not a particularly attractive idea, but it shouldnt be hard (especially for me, coz im so great and all...)
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| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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3:22 pm - You cook thith peeeztha jutht riiight, maaaan, and itth gonna tathte reeeal niiithe!!!....
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Fuck you Dettori. Stop hawkin fuckin food products and stick to what you know...
Ive hit rock bottom at work. The intray is filled to bursting with reams of mind numbing shitey bollocks. None of it is hard, the opposite in fact, its simple, but i cant be bothered with even trying anymore. Soon enough im going to get a whooping for fucking so many peoples jobs off. Perfect.
I guess i could still quit and get another McMonkeyJob to sidestep the ignominy of a firing. Could do without that bad reference. Dunno tho. I like my fridays off... In my current state of unemloyableness im not sure i could even bring myself to be in an office for 5 days a week. 4 is only just tolerable.
Which reminds me. Need to buy some porn for my fridays off.
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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1:59 pm - shedding my skin...
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Last night i trapped the fingers on my right hand in the hinges of a door. I screamed. I bled. I snapped a nail at the base, perhaps even a bone. I wanted my mother. I wanted pills, morphine, anything, perhaps just a slap round the face and a quick, "grow up, pussy boy". But for only a moment. The pain and horror was transient, bad, yes, but transient...
Half an hour later, i was playing a gig in a bar in Sheffield. I was still bleeding, but the pain was gone. I felt like helium, and as i floated along thorough our 6 song set, everything seemed so right and i had not a worry in the world. I had the feeling that i had finally fallen into place, both actually and metaphorically, and i wanted those 45 minutes to last and last.
...
Today, i am back at work. The pain in my fingers has returned, with a vengeance, im still bleeding, and im angry. Im angry, im tired, and im resenting so many things. Right now the extent of my creative output is this... a journal post that is about to amount to nothing more than just another lame, ill-thought out tirade about the fact that, because im forced to waste 8 hours out of 5 days of every week in a shitty office that bores and stifles me so much, i spend most of those 40 hours every week wishing that i could spontaneously begin to spew forth my intestines through my eye sockets. My work directed indignation has nearly reached critical mass. In the words of Samuel L Jackson, im about to turn into a 'mushroom cloud layin' mothafucka, muthafucka'...
Colour me unemployable. Do what you want. Make my fucking day. I want out of this lifestyle, and away from everything that reminds me of it. I want rid of the philistines from around me, the people who will happily sit back and listen to and love the CDs they own, rely on them even to define parts of their own personality, but who will NEVER appreciate ANYTHING about where they came from or how lucky they are to own them. To use a slightly modified and expletively-enhanced-for-effect fatherism, "CDs dont grow on fucking trees".
I sound like a bloody 16 year old again.
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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1:08 pm - Definition
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If ever there were to be anything that might be considered 'perfect' it would have to be something that implied or imposed absolutely nothing more than a starting point that could potentially lead in any one of an infinite number of directions. For perfection is subjective, if it even exists that is, and as such it can not exist as anything that might be based on or around any kind of tangible pretext. True perfection can only ever be the experience of complete nothingness by the eternally and completely open mind.
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11:16 am - Every day is a countdown....
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I calm my mind with thoughts of running far, far from here. Severing ties, forgetting past, just for a few weeks. The thought that i might then come back from the side of a mountain with a clear head, to an easy existance, with total freedom of choice - all this appeals to me more than ever...
Its a pipe dream, and im becoming pathetic.
Remember when you had nothing to worry about? I dont. But there will have been a time, like this im sure, when i was worried and wishing that everything would work out, and longing for times easier. But the fact that im still alive, for most part happy as i could possibly be, and around people that i care about dearly, says to me that back then, back at that time when i was probably yearning for change, dying for an easier ride, i should have just slapped my metaphysical self round its teary eyed, weak little face, quit with all the sniffling and whining, and started actually doing things for myself. But lo...
Why is it so astonishingly simple to dissociate what you know is right, from the way you actually live. Why is this? Schizophrenia here i come.
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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10:19 am - maaahh knooorrrb... (scotish accent)
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You know how when you ignore problems and stuff, they go away? Yeah? Like really... Theres nothing like denial as a coping mechanism...
But the funny thing is that im beginning to think that maybe ignoring problems DOESNT make them go away, in fact, rather astonishingly, it only defers them, and ulimately, makes them worse.
CRAZY, I KNOW!
Im the victim of my own stupid self. What id really like to do now is be a good person.
As a kid i always used to enjoy the drive we made with my family through Snowdonia Mountains on our way to Anglesey each year. It was a fairly long drive, especially for my parents with two young kids moaning away in the back, so we would stop for lunch in the middle of nowhere, amongst the sheep and the grass for a rest and some lunch. We would be there eating our sammiches, relaxing and everywhere around there would be huge piles of slate, broken from the mountain side. I always used to love finding a fresh piece of slate and scribbling all over it with a stone until it was completely whited out. After a time of doing this, i would decide that i prefered it unsulied so i would find another one, all crisp and fresh and black, and admire its untouched perfection again. Sometimes, if we were sat near a stream, i would take the whited piece of slate and soak it until it was black again. This was always even more satisfying. I always liked the way stones, especially slate, looked when they were wet and shiny. I would always wish that they could stay looking like this and that they wouldnt dry out and go all dusty and dull again... But i always knew it was only a matter of time. But each time, i thought, i hoped, that it might be different and that the slate would stay smooth and wet.
What the fuck im on about i dont know. this just came to mind, and it feels strangly pertinent right now.
I still have a faint 'Jack' penned on the back of my hand. Last night was strange but fun. Need to do more drugs before gigs in future i think... Felt a bit awkward last night, which is odd, but its probably just a one off...
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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9:35 am - Its all in the wrist....
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Dont you just hate those days when you are really really so very tired, generally you're feeling quite like a sack of shit, you cant see straight or focus properly on anything, your head hurts, you're at work, miserable, alone, and hungover, but for some reason you've got the most persistant fucking boner ever.
/////////////////////(.)
()()
The male psyche never ceases to amaze me. Why is it, that at times like these, times of abject tiredness and physical pain, my libido is convinced its gonna get some?... LEAVE ME ALONE, EVIL THOUGHTS OF LAZY, STONED, SUNDAY AFTERNOON NOOKIE.... please......
Im never going to make it through today alive... I feel baaaaad (and not in the michael jackson sense).
Other news, i have a contract for my job for the first time in 16 months. I was hoping to avoid this sort of thing as technically, they cant fire me for interent use when im not under contract... Ive not signed yet, nor do i have any intention of signing in the near future... To quote clause 9 regarding Intellectual Property...
"You acknowledge that all intellectual property rights made or discovered by you during the course of your employment shall belong to us...."
Can this possibly be right? Does this mean that these low down dirty mofos in fact want to own the rights to my every thought? That seems a little extreme to me, but perhaps im paranoid...
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| Saturday, April 10th, 2004
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12:49 am - give me three weeks, give me whatever you want
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Every time i come back here it gets a little more depressing. The worst thing, the only thing in fact, is that nothing has changed.
Tonight, im in Liverpool...
In the next room are my parents. Outside there is no one i know. In my bedroom is a bunch of stuff i dont really own any more. Memories are everywhere, things to remind me of what has gone before. Its like where ever we go we leave a small part of oursleves behind which will outlive us and will be there, waiting forever, to remind us of everything about that particular point in our life. A save point. And at the same time, everywhere we go we pick up an equally small sized piece of that time and that place which is, at least temporarily, transplanted into our personality. We can take it anywhere, and we will take it everywhere and we can pass it on to anyone, at any time. Anyone who reads this will forever have been subject to a tiny part of my personality. And whilst on perhaps only the most microscopic of levels, you will still carry this moment forward. How can anyone say that we are not all one. With just six degrees separating us all from one another, how can we be so arrogant as to think that any of us are individuals, that we arent all the same thing only different in our vantage point, and that we might even be remotely in charge of our own destiny.
Im drunk, im dying for a spliff, my parents are in bed, and i have a roof to go to soon.
But im worried tonight. Im worried about all the things i used to be worried about.
But everything is the same, only perspectives have changed...
I used to sit in a pit, now i sit on the edge. the earth surrounding me is the same, flat grassland. The air is the same temperature and the birds in the trees sing the same songs. But this time im facing a different way, and as a result, to me, the breeze is blowing in the opposite direction.
The future right now seems so set. My future that is. The only thing i feel i will have control over is what effect it has on others.
current mood: crispy, yet wilting
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| Thursday, April 8th, 2004
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10:40 am - Run to you with a burning desire!!... baby you set my soul on fire!!....
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The above lyric (or an approximation thereof) was brought to you by 'Burn', officially the worst band ever, 2004....
So yeah, we won. Both actually, and morally. Thats the first round out the way... Check out that mo'fuckin result right here.
New songs are getting darker too. This can only be a good thing. A recent review described us as being vaguely akin to early verve in parts except that our music is apparently based "firmly in reality", that reality being one of "angst and hardship" (sic). Whilst this amuses me slightly, it also makes me feel kinda bad about musically portraying an image that perhaps our lives dont necessarily reflect. I mean, we all have it fairly easy, compared to some at least... But I guess people can read into it what they want and i suppose thats one of the points of good music is it not - letting the listener draw any sort of emotion they can from it.
Was discussing with the bear last night how we'd much rather people described us in terms of the way our music made them feel, rather than with technical descriptions of whats going on, such as "... funky basslines underpin blistering guitar riffs..." (this has never, nor will ever be said about us, by the way). Quite frankly, I couldnt give a shit if i never ever play what might be deemed to be a "blistering" guitar riff in my whole life....
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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11:49 am - No offence meant by posting this, it just amuses me greatly..
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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11:21 am - Always have an adult present when attempting to open a bag of oven chips with a breadknife...
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Als hand still looks like on of those cheap barbeque beef steaks you get from iceland - you know the ones, they're not made from meat at all but still they have a strip of fat which is literally stitched on along one edge in an attempt to fool the consumer into thinking that maybe, just maybe, it once formed part of a living, breathing, ruminant, cow (they fooled me the once). Its the stitches which do it i guess... (and the fake blood they put on them too, no that Als blood is fake...)
So no drummer for saturdays gig unfortunately so we're going to attempt a paired down version of what we would normally plan to play. On the plus side, working out a vaguely acoustic set is something that we have been meaning to do for a while. Looking forward to it i think too....
Its raining again today which pleases me although it looks like it might be clearing up which is a shame. I love the days where the weather is extremely one sided and remains so for a good length of time. Heavy rain all day, but nothing else, blue skys for a week and nothing else. etc. Mixtures of weather never work with me especially well. Least prefered weather combos include wind and sun, wind and snow, wind and rain, (that is unless you are in doors and have a lots of comnputer games to play, b) lots of weed to smoke, or c) lots of games to play and plenty of weed to smoke...). Wind, in general, tends to unsettle. me, although having just read that back i acknowledge just how hammy i probably sound in saying that.
I have nothing interesting to say today.
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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9:30 am - Will you find me
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The sun shines down today. Its warm, its nearly summer, and this morning on my way to work i listened to Ida's "Maybelle" whilst i cycled. It made me think of a million early spring time mornings past and a million still to come. I feel warm and safe, if perhaps a little nostalgic.
Funny thing nostalgia though. How you can remember bad times even with a certain rosy glow. A dangerous thing too, if afforded too much time and brain power. Perhaps one day everything will be looked back on with a reddish tint. I hope that, before i die, i am able to look back on EVERYTHING my life has involved and draw at least some sort of positive feeling from it all.
Right now though, im drawing on every second i have as it passes.
current music: Ida "Maybelle"
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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9:41 am - Everything makes sense.
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Do you have back door out?
There are few things more tiresome and wearing than a sense of impending failure/gloom/difficulty. Oddly, however, i find it all too easy to distract myself from these things. I am detatched, cold perhaps. I say this with all honesty. I exist within my own mind. In here i feel safe.
You feel trapped?
If i were to speak out loud my thoughts everyday, i probably wouldnt be here. Not only becasue what friends i currently have probably wouldnt bother talking to me anymore, but also coz id probably be in jail, and for a fairly long time too. This both amuses me and fascinates me. Im not the only one who could say this, im sure. And im also sure im not in the minority. Perhaps we all need to be more honest with ourselves...
Can you justify your behaviour?
My special powers lie my ability to bullshit my way out of most awkward situations. Im a predator in this sense, i figure weaknesses and prey on them until i get my resolve. Im not the nicest person, you know.
Whats to justify?
I DO still feel like a contradiction. As a child i was always a bit of a mummys boy, things have changed, but there are still lingering contradicting perceptions of me that rear there heads occasionally simultaneously just to cause me bother.
Where do you draw the line?
Make your own rules. This is important. The only thing you have complete control over is yourself so you should make the most of this. Just use it for good, both for youself and others. As long as your rules dont result in harm to any other, then it dosent matter what they are. This doesnt really need saying tho...
Is there any moral difference between your thought and action?
Ive spent a lot of time thinking about deception. I can now say for sure that honesty is NOT merely a single page bearing two sides.
Is there any sort of love?
Ive noticed recently that i often have difficulty drawing distincitons between myself and others. We all get confused, we all like to think we are in control, we all want to believe that everything is going to be ok. And these things are worth believing. If you can define something in your ouwn mind then it exists. We all share everything, no matter however deeply something might be buried in our subconscious. We are all transparent, we are all open books, we wear our emotions on oiur sleaves whether we like it or not. If you ever met me, and knew me, you could talk to me and know everything about me. This is true. But we have a long way to go yet....
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| Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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1:31 pm
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Concentration - Poor and diminishing
Drive - Negative
Mind - Elsewhere
Optimism - is a luxury
Relaxation - was expected
Nothing - is ever easy
People - are rarely helpful
Chicken - is your only friend
Savour the flavour. Its all you'll ever have.
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| Monday, March 8th, 2004
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9:47 am
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I sit atop the peak of the my efforts. My hands are worn, my eyes are tired. I sit here calmly as i come to terms with with my most recent realisation. Its nothing new. But I contemplate.
Without webbed fingers its hard to push water uphill. Without flesh and bones, its hard to draw blood.
And nothing changes. Achievement over expectation. I am forever damned by that equation. Someone throw me a bone?
Whatever. Im now too tired to care about much more. When i awake in a week or so i will unveil my news and my views, which i'll figure out in that interim. Right now though, my head is mine, and i will do nothing for others. Its about me for the moment, and for the forseeable future.
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| Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
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1:29 pm - First breath after coma...
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THE EP IS FINISHED. You heard me... Finished. Le Fin. Finito. The End. Goodbye. Burn my hard drive. Throw my amp out through the window. Suck my balls. Etc.
Yes, i am relieved. Thats 1/3 of a year of our lives invested in that bastard. And now its over. Nearly... Well, pretty much.
I feel like im in the process of waking from some sort of deep sleep. A social hibernation. Whilst i wont be completely happy until there's a massive box of the suckaz sitting in my living room, a certain weight has lifted nonetheless. No more late night recording, production and tweaking sessions. No more full days on the weekend laying down track after track after track with a hangover and an empty stomach. No more having no time to buy food, do washing, tidy house. etc. Perhaps now, musically, i can return to normality and start experiencing again, what its actually like to be in a band... writing songs, rehearsing, gigging, instead of sitting in front of a computer for 3 hours per night with only a guitar or one person for company. Never again, quite frankly.
But dont get me wrong, ive enjoyed this, possibly more than ive ever appreciated anything. Ive never focused on anything this hard in my life, and whilst this revelation hasnt any real value in its own right, im glad that, were it to ever happen, it happened on something like this. It gives me confidence that what im doing is right. For me, at least. For us. I hope i speak for everyone concerned.
So. Out of what few 'friends' i have here, if any of you want a copy, get in touch and i will see what i can do.
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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10:32 am - Got KFChickens on the mind again.....
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Steve, my sort-of-not-really-kinda-in-a-way-boss-type-guy who sits opposite me has recently developed a rather freaky habit of popping his falsies out with his tongue and playing around with them in his mouth. I never considered how strange a mans face could look when his teeth cease to be attached to the inside of his head and are visibly moving at unnatural angles.
Anyway, in response to this, i also seem to have developed an equally strange habit of whistling the tune to "have i got news for you" whenever i see him doing this. I have no idea why.
We are both confused.
Anyway, technically its friday for me today. Want to score a big bag of goodness and chill whilst listening to Squarepusher. Its been too long, goddamnit.
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