Fixing my broken wings

About Recent Entries

DisturbingNov. 30th, 2004 @ 12:11 am
Apache Video

The 70s was truly a scary decade...

PrettyNov. 28th, 2004 @ 11:26 pm
I looked in the mirror tonight and for the first time in a long time, I thought I looked pretty. My hair is the right length, my eyes have that gleam in them, and my face, even at 31, still stands unlined. I haven't felt this way about myself in years.
Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Jeff Buckley - Satisfied Mind

The usual thanks listNov. 25th, 2004 @ 10:19 pm
So much to be thankful for, despite everything I'm going through.

I am thankful for:


  • My sons

  • My parents

  • My sister

  • My job

  • My friends at work and outside of work who I speak with regularly (you all know who you are)

  • My independence

  • My guardian angels



On a sad note, Jerry didn't even bother calling to at least speak with his sons on this holiday. And he is insisting to the court that he loves them, can better care for them, and is more stable than I am at being a parent, which is why he should be granted full custody and I'm the one stuck with visitation? Jerry, thank you for showing your true colors.
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: VAST - Touched

...Nov. 21st, 2004 @ 08:39 pm
I'm wondering if I'll be mourning the loss of Jerry for the rest of my life. I miss being his friend. I miss how he was when he actually did love me, treated me well, and wanted to pitch in and support me and our marriage. I can't stand who he is now, I don't recognize him at all as the man I fell in love with when I was 19, and by all rights the man I used to know as MY Jerry is dead and gone.

So I mourn his loss. And it hurts.

( I told him last year that this was our Christmas song, and he just scoffed at me... how right I was. )
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: The Pogues - Fairytale of New York

Sabbat...Nov. 21st, 2004 @ 01:00 am
Sabbat was... interesting.

I get picked up on by four guys -- all of whom were gay. One of them just started talking to me as he and his boyfriend were waiting for a cab, and he tells me that he thinks I have gorgeous eyes and he loves the way that I did my makeup. I've got these tiny rhinestones under the center of my eyes that make it look like I've got teardrops from a distance, and then I've got the standard black eyeliner and silver highlights. My hair is done up in pigtails and ribbons, and he tells me that I have this Betty Paige look about me. He made my entire night with his compliments. He says I'm so very cute, that I'm gorgeous, etc.

Why can't a straight man think the same way about me? JFC...

My two friends that I was supposed to go with ended up either going to TJ or to LA, and so I drove up there alone. Which kind of pissed me off, cause I left [info]insomniacjack's phone number on my notepad at home, so I couldn't just drive up and pick him up instead. So I hung out with Danny and Chris, the bouncers. Danny spanked me good with his paddle. It stung, very sweet. Chris gave me a rose made of a palm leaf that some dude made while standing out there. He's so very cool. I'm going to bug him everytime I see him now at Therapy or Sabbat.

I saw [info]namey who looked cute as ever. Both of us have colds, and weren't in the best of head spaces, given everything he and I are going through at our respective workplaces. I couldn't even dance more than 4 or 5 numbers tonight, my head was just too stuffed up to deal with the activity. So I went outside and hung out with the bouncers, and let gay men fawn all over me.

I should have been born a gay man. Good Lady, the Gods are cruel.

Going to sleep now after drinking enough Nyquil to unstuff my sinuses enough so that I can actually breathe.
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Rob Zombie - Dragula (Hot Rod Herman Remix)

No Therapy last night, but Sabbat tonightNov. 20th, 2004 @ 07:06 am
Would have gone to Therapy, but large doses of Nyquil make me sleepy. Going to Sabbat tonight though. Arthur is out of town, driving to Portland, OR for Thanksgiving to be with family. So I'll try and get a hold of Moose. I don't want to end up there alone again without any friendly soul to talk to... or dance with :P

Colds suck. I can taste things again sort of, my ears are popping like corn kernels in the microwave, and my throat isn't as sore but this post-nasal drip is making me nauseous. Boogers can go to hell.

Mom and Dad got me some neato boots that swat teams, ems crews, etc. use, and I'm breaking them in at work. They kick ass. I've always wanted a pair but didn't have the $100 to spring for them. So now I'm dancing in my living room with these boots on. To Garbage. This band is so underrated. The song that's playing has a great beat, one you could really shake your hips to. Rawr~

Blame me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you
I think I'm paranoid
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Garbage - I think I'm Paranoid

Sniffles and sneezesNov. 18th, 2004 @ 06:33 pm
I've got the worst cold right now. It sucks.
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Jeff Buckley - Grace

EwwwwNov. 17th, 2004 @ 07:59 am
Today's to-do list:


  1. Find some way to get rid of my sniffles.

  2. Clean up living room

  3. Do dishes (yuck)

  4. Do laundry (somewhat yuck, I'm starting to like doing laundry... must be the clean-clothes smell and fresh-from-the-dryer warmth that gets to me)

  5. Clean out fridge

  6. Straighten up bathroom, since half the stuff is still boxed up from when my apartment was renovated

  7. Drive to Costco (Poway) and pick up my paycheck

  8. Go to bank and deposit check

  9. Vaccum

  10. Take out the trash


This cold sucks. My sinuses feel all raw and my throat kind of hurts. Today will be my first quiet day alone in my apartment since mid-October. I could enjoy the silence, or I could play some loud EBM/Industrial and dance while I clean up.

Alex, I think I'll take option 2 as my category.

P.S. Happy Birthday Jeff Buckley. I love you.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up

What I wantNov. 16th, 2004 @ 01:25 am
If I should ever get involved with another man again, here's a short list of what I want:

I want him to be...


  • Educated

  • Stable (financially, emotionally, spiritually)

  • Kind and loving

  • No history of violence or abuse

  • Somebody who doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol

  • Somebody good with children

  • Somebody who will understand my ambition and drive to succeed

  • Somebody with ambition and a drive to succeed that matches the same path mine lays on

  • Somebody who will continue to move forward with me, instead of holding me back

  • Self-made

  • With a good sense of humor

  • No loud bodily functions

  • Someone who can clean up after themselves

  • Somebody who likes doing dishes, because I sure as fuck don't :P

  • Someone who takes good care of themselves, because if they can't care for their own self, how can they possibly care for another?

  • The kind of man who knows when to hold a woman

  • The kind of man who knows when to give her space

  • A man who isn't clingy

  • Strong

  • Faithful

  • Devoted

  • Truthful

  • He's got to have a great smile

  • Somebody at least 5'11", because guys who are significantly taller than me make me feel femenine

  • Somebody who can keep his temper in check

  • Somebody who appreciates the finer things in life

  • He can't be the selfish or jealous type

  • He must be well-written and well-read (I guess that ties in with Educated)

  • Somebody who likes to, or at least understands why I feel the need to, dance


I doubt any such man like that exists out there. I'll probably remain single for the rest of my days. After a lot of thought and looking back on things, I'm really not interested in getting into another long term committment. I now officially suffer from committment phobia. I know my list is rather long, but it all boils down to a few basic elements:


  1. I want somebody who loves me, loves the boys, and who I can love without reservation.

  2. I want that somebody to be a person I can live with in harmony. Compatibility is key.

  3. I want that person to be somebody I can rely on to help me support my family, because I'm not going to be supporting anybody who is in the struggling phase. It may sound selfish of me, but in my case it's the only fair thing for me and for my boys. What little time I have outside of work, I try and devote entirely to my sons, since they are my #1 priority in this world. I have no time to try and help anybody get on their feet while I'm still struggling with my fledging wings.

  4. I want somebody who I can TRUST without hesitation.

  5. I want whoever this future man is, to be somebody that would make me proud and yet humbled, to call my own.



I'm an educated, presentable, ambitious, somewhat attractive young woman in her early 30s who has her own apartment, her own car, pays for her own bills, has a job she can be proud of, a future career she can brag about persuing, has two very incredible sons (although they are a handful), and has a somewhat varied set of hobbies. There is NO reason at all for me to settle for just anybody out there.

I will not settle for just any man.
I will not sell myself short when it comes to future prospects.
I will not allow myself to repeat past mistakes.

And that is why I'll probably never get involved with anybody again.
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Garbage - Special

FreedomNov. 13th, 2004 @ 08:22 pm
Is once again, mine.
I'll never take it for granted again.

More details over the next few days. I'm bone tired now, my blood pressure is 141/103 and I shouldn't let anymore stress and anxiety get to me. My pulse rate is 47, which is actually a bit low, but WNL; the BP, especially the diastolic reading, is frightening for my age.

I also saw [info]insomniacjack at my store today, ran out to give him a quick hug and chat with him for a bit after he dropped off his app. I told Bentley to run that ASAP or else!

Sleep calls. I will answer.
Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Garbage - Medication

Grrr...Nov. 10th, 2004 @ 12:24 pm
Supressing the urge to scream...
Current Mood: annoyed

HauntedNov. 5th, 2004 @ 08:00 am
Yesterday I had to pick Rome up from school because he was being sent home sick. When I picked him up in the office, he smiled and was very excited to see me. He had a slight fever. I signed him out, then we both walked hand in hand out to the car. We stopped by Costco first so I could pick up my paycheck and get my work schedule. Everybody who I work with commented on how much he looks like me, but I know otherwise.

Then off to the doctor's office. While we were in the patient's room waiting on the doctor, Rome was sitting on the bed and I was in the chair below him. Everytime he looked at me, I could see his father's face staring back at me, except with Rome the look behind the eyes is filled with love and admiration, not hatred and disgust.

It reminded me so much of a time, so long ago, when his father would look at me the same way. Much as I detest, dislike, and begrudge that man for all he's done to me and the boys the last few years, part of me, the part that was his friend, couldn't help but miss him. And when Rome would stare at me the way he did, that part of me mourned his loss.

I wish, even if only for a few minutes, that I could just HATE the man. I just want to be able to despise him with sheer, unadulterated hatred, but I can't.

It will vex me for the rest of my life that my oldest son has his father's name and face. I'm just hoping that someday I'll be able to look back on the 12 years I devoted to that man and not feel some sense of loss.

I hope that someday will be soon.
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Snow Patrol - Run

More meme goodnessOct. 20th, 2004 @ 01:07 pm
( My interest ranking )

Today's to-do listOct. 20th, 2004 @ 08:22 am

  • Wake up

  • Get kids ready for school

  • Shower

  • Make shopping list

  • Go to work and pick up paycheck

  • Deposit check at bank

  • Make a very important phone call

  • Go to grocery store

  • Come home and finish cleaning

  • Pick up kids from school bus

  • Clean up some more

  • Fix kids a snack

  • Clean up some more

  • Make dinner

  • Pack up some clothes for kids to spend the night over at my parents' house

  • Clean up some more

  • Panic

  • Try and rest

  • Wait for the late night knock on my door


Looks like I'm going to need a lot of coffee or red bull to make it through the day.
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Belly - Gepetto

Raven haired JenOct. 19th, 2004 @ 10:13 am
This is what I look like now that my hair is black. This is pre-Sabbat on Saturday. I know the lighting sucks... must say that before [info]greenman11 does :P

Other entries
» S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!
Going to Sabbat tonight.

I don't know who else is going to be there... I can't get a hold of either Arthur or Moose so I may end up alone. But tonight is going to be a night filled with aggressive dancing, so I'm geared to go.

Then I drive home at 2AM and try and be ready to leave for work tomorrow at 8:30AM. I am the supervisor in charge tomorrow, so it'll be a big day. Yargh.
Oct. 16th, 2004 @ 07:53 pm
» Going raven-haired
I dyed my hair brown-black today. In fact, I'm sitting here as the dye develops. I got bored of my mousy brown natural color and decided to try a darker approach to coloring. Next week, after my hair rests I am bleaching some streaks on the underside of my hair and I will turn them a deep purple shade. It should blend in nicely and not be obvious enough that people at work will freak out. I'm good about being subtle.

Shitty pictures via JeisCam when I can get that stuff set up.
Oct. 14th, 2004 @ 04:31 pm
» Lyrics Time
( Tesla - Love Song )

The opening guitar acoustics in this song have always had a very tranquilizing effect on my psyche. The song, while it's been one of my favorites since its release in 1989, has always brought me hope that there is really love somewhere out there waiting for me.

Fifteen years later, it finally found me. I am ready.
Oct. 13th, 2004 @ 11:00 pm
» Silly, silly little girl...
It's hard for a star...

Sweet, sweet, sweet wind
Burn off this skin
Get it to reach Sachuest Beach
I can never win with this body I live in

It's all right
it's all right
it's all right
I'll just stand up, pick up my stuff and...

Sweet, sweet, sweet wind
Burn off this skin
Get it to reach Sachuest Beach
I can never win with this body I live in

Sweet, sweet, sweet wind
Burn off this skin
Sweet, sweet, sweet wind
Burn off this skin
I can never win with this body I live in
Oct. 13th, 2004 @ 06:37 pm
» Lyrics Time
( Jet - Look What You've Done )

It's too bad I like this song, because it reminds me in every way of the sperm donor.
Oct. 12th, 2004 @ 05:40 pm
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