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Friday, February 7th, 2003
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8:45 pm - Le Fin
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Well folks... that about does it for me for a while, don't be scared if you don't see me posting any entries in the near future -- I haven't disappeared, you know where to find me if you need me. I guess there's just certain things in life I still have a lot to learn about; tact (and when to exercise it) is one of the biggest ones. I realized a lot of things last night, things which I need to learn how to deal with on my own. And for once, I don't feel like I have to be committed to anyone, anything, nothing like that -- I'm learning how to get my head out of the future, and listen to myself today.
That's pretty much all I have for now, I may or may not amend this later, we'll see.
Thanks to all of you who've given me so much support. I love you all.
"I have no ending for this, and so I take a small bow."
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Amendment.
Consider the fact that many will tell you otherwise;
I bet you trust your bank, just wait until it tanks;
Your parents had it planned, we're almost like them?
Fun, Racist professional sports, management gets the real rewards;
Multi-national owned evening news, if we believe, we're fools.
You watch 4.5 hours of tv a day -- and we should listen to what you have to say?
Opinions on life and the world, you eat at the Hard Rock abroad and you disrespect your girl;
Sexism so ingrained, that women get the blame;
Is it smug middle class satisfaction you peddle?
Better hope your car don't break down in the ghetto.
Rich companies lobby best, use their products, prepare to lose a breast;
Why your sick mother's health insurance got "accidently" cancelled is no mystery,
Someone's paying the government a lot to have access to everyone's medical history.
Greedy banks bought all the farms, chemical food, aren't our lives charmed?
Teenagers baited, their money spent, with credit cards at 20%;
Too broke to worry about the loan, their funkin turning off your phone.
And politics, a fuckin joke, right and left -- they're both a hoax;
Just hope the "international" markets don't crash! Rock N Roll! Some truth? Alas!
Careerist cowards sucking ass. Is real investigative reporting dead?
Of course, but keep watching your CNN.
The glitz, the glamor, all jokes aside, if a sponsor pays enough, they'd turn a blind eye on third world genocide.
"Bro don't get heavy, the bills are paid!" Twice a week (missionary style) we all get laid;
Middle management goes first, you're out on your ass.
Most ignorance is bred at home -- Good Christian families? Then why condone petty hatred of anything different or new?
The fat girl hung herself in June; no love at home, they thought she was strong,
Her classmates made her up her own song:
"Piggy Peggy ate everyone's pie" -- the kids moved on, one teacher cried.
The kids switched targets the week after she died.
Well? human nature won't change much, unless we make a shameful bunch;
Of those we see so glaringly, who show hate, ignorance, and hypocracy;
Don't be a coward -- Make a stand! Get in their face -- and act like a ham.
Let people know it's not PC to be greedy and judgmental under the guise of religion and democracy.
Get loud and stand up every time, if you even give a fuck about mankind;
Cuz if human nature don't evolve soon, don't kid yourself, you're fucking doomed.
Don't run away from change and growth, let's start right now, "I take the oath!"
But first accept one simple truth... that maybe we've been brainwashed, too.
So cynical, so hip, so full of shit, they told us to shut the fuck up, and write another hit.
-Gregg Alexander
current mood:  complacent
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| Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
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12:23 am
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...can you tell i'm confused?
.shhhhh.. shh....shh. that's a good boy. get some rest now, okay?
.okay.
current mood: frumpy
current music: Guster - Mona Lisa
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| Tuesday, December 3rd, 2002
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11:25 pm
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nevermind. i was wrong. i won't be okay, who the fuck am i kidding. she doesn't understand, i can't talk to her, she doesn't understand. please stop being mad at me becky... please...
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10:52 pm
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i hate this. i never thought that just seeing her for ten seconds through the window could possibly be so painful. i know she is on that side of the glass, and that is where she will be staying. fuck being social. i am on my own now. i fucking hate this. so it's a learning experience. whoop de fucking doo.
The furious forms of life
Our days are never coming back
The cannons of our time
Our days are never coming back
Just... seriously... I'm so sick of telling everyone the whole fucking story. Short and simple, I really fucked up, and now I'm as alone as I've ever been. Everything just hurts so much because it's something I could have avoided if I knew how to really listen to myself.
You see my pain is real
Watch my world dissolve
And pretend that none of us see the fall
As I turn to sand you took me by the hand
And declared that love prevails over all.
*break*
I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion I've caused. I know there's a lot in my life I have to be happy about. Like my guitar. My voice. My roomate. My friends... So what's this then? Why is it dragging me down so? This... this is a bump in my road to happiness. Albeit, it's a rather large bump, but I think I'll make it out eventually... in the meantime, I'll be stressed, I'll be hurt, I'll be panicked. But I think that as long as I can allow myself to relax and acknowledge everything..I'll be okay.
I'll talk to you later.
Goodnight...
current mood:  quixotic
current music: System of a Down - Streamline
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| Monday, December 2nd, 2002
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11:56 pm
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| Monday, November 25th, 2002
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7:05 pm
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Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you,
tell you I need you,
tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets,
and ask me your questions,
oh, lets go back to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
comin' up tails,
heads on the science apart.
Nobody said it was easy,
it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, I'll take it back to the start.
I was just guessing,
the numbers and figures,
pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
science and progress,
do not speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me,
come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy,
oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.
current mood:  uncomfortable
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| Sunday, November 24th, 2002
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11:44 pm
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Now again, I find myself so far down, away from the sun that shines into the darkest place, I'm so far down, away from the sun that shines to light the way for me, to find my way back into the arms that care about the ones like me, I'm so far down, away from the sun again...
Hello folks. I think my mind is a lot clearer now than it was last night, which is a good thing... I'll just be re-evaluating my life and my ideas and my values really carefully over the next few days. There's so much I really need to just step back and look at, and get me back onto the track I'd started down a while back but then somehow broke loose from... thank you very much for all your concern, I really appreciate it. I think this is something I need to deal with myself, though, as much as I really don't want to...I know I have to. I know I messed up. Trust me, I know. Things will work out, though, cuz everything happens for a reason -- I may not know what reason this happened for, but I know what I need to do.
Talk to you in a few days.
current mood: discontent
current music: Our Lady Peace - Not Enough
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9:27 am
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everything gone. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. so confused, so eerily calm, about to burst into a million pieces. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. wish i knew what was going on in that head of mine, wish she knew what was going on in that head of mine, everything is collapsing right now. sent out a cry for help. sent out two cries for help. maybe one of them will be answered. i am so lost right now... my mind is so very far from being clear. my conscience hurts. i cannot apologize to my world enough. what happened? i thought i was ready. i guess this is what comes out of overanalyzation. god fucking damnit...
current mood: numb
current music: Papa Roach - Time and Time Again
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| Saturday, November 23rd, 2002
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2:45 pm
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i think i have figured out what it is i fear the most in life, and it is uncertainty. i am afraid of not knowing what's going on, of how someone is doing, of just not knowing ----
is this rational? is there a cure? or am i just doomed?
i wish i knew how she was doing. i am so upset right now... turmoil inside... i just wish i knew.
current mood: worried
current music: 3 Doors Down - Going Down In Flames
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| Thursday, November 21st, 2002
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9:20 am
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...what if i don't say anything anymore?
current mood: strange
current music: granian - foresight
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| Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
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3:11 pm
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meh, why not? though, tattooing is a bit overrated... ah well. :)
current mood:  relaxed
current music: 3 Doors Down - Away From the Sun
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| Sunday, November 17th, 2002
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9:45 pm
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New definition of "amusement": seeing your roomate forcibly hump a wall, per his girlfriend's orders.
current mood: amused
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| Saturday, November 16th, 2002
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12:07 pm
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I'm gonna miss that kid, I really am. Last night was great, man. Tiring, long, and insanely illogical, but great. (I finally made it back at 4:26, by the way.... heh heh...)
Good job with your life thus far, soldier. ^_^
xx*J
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Guster - Parachutes
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| Friday, November 15th, 2002
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12:37 pm
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Jutsin, if you see this prior to when we'd need to leave tonight, call me! Number's in my AIM profile. Word...
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9:13 am
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thank you for one of the most enjoyable nights of my life. crazy how that works, no?
xx*J:)
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| Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
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9:53 pm
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yeah, so the ring was the scariest movie i've ever seen. good thing i have an essay to write, or else i wouldn't know what to do while i'm wide-eyed-fearing-sleep tonight. shit son........
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| Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
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7:01 pm
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life's a bitch, and so am i.
if you tell someone not to fucking touch you, then they shouldn't fucking touch you. is that so hard to get?
you're going down, dammit. and i mean business.
that's so gross, man....
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Green Day - The Grouch
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| Monday, November 11th, 2002
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6:24 pm
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feelin' a little bit better.
sister is more mature than she used to be, but has a lonnnnng way to go.
almost want to talk in complete sentences.
need to do some more work soon.
my two beards hurt?
i wish my hair would grow faster.
i wish the cafeteria here didn't suck.
i wish i could look up and smile.
oh wait, i can.
why is my life so great? why can't all of our lives be as comfortable as mine? i wish everyone was happy. WHAT MAKES ME SO SPECIAL?
Great, I'm bitching about having a good life... why don't i go just crawl in a hole now...it makes you wonder.
xx*j
current mood: thankful
current music: The Avalanches - Frontier Phsychiatrist
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| Sunday, November 10th, 2002
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9:23 pm
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4:41 pm
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Weekend good. Saw Jutsin, fun. Saw Amy, fun. Saw Liz, Liz, KatieB, Steve, Melanie, Moon, Andi. Fun. Brought sister to school, here now. Will continue normal life soon. Okay, bye bye.
current mood:  blah
current music: Massive Attack - Protection
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