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Miracles [23 Jun 2002|10:54pm] This past week was one of miracles, and for the first time in my life I am not dependant on the government. Chris is now full time employed as a programmer/analyst at murdoch uni, and we are now able to be human! (ie. can buy shoes, a bin, pay our bills, not be destitute!). For us, this is like winning the lottery! 2 comments|post comment

FreeBSD [10 Jun 2002|08:28pm] [ music | Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile ] I've come to the conclusion I like bsd over linux by a long shot. For people like me who want ot use it as a multimedia system, it looks daunting and unsupported, but with the help of chris I can now watch divx, telly & listen to radio. It is working much better than my windows box, so Im chuffed :-) Plus the ports allow ppls like me to install programs much easier. I'm a happy little lass. Today Chris & I went out and got myself some nifty Logitech speakers with my birthday money. For $119 I got a subwoofer and 2 satellites. If I had an extra $80 bucks, I could have bought the surround sound set, but these are just great seeing I have had basic headphones for hte past 10 months or so. post comment

loserjabber [09 Jun 2002|12:13pm] [ mood | Pleased with Myself! ] I've finally installed loserjabber on my bsd box :-) post comment

update [27 May 2002|11:08am] Well I haven't written here for a while, but like last time, not much has changed. Right now I am sitting in an office doing job search training (looking on the net for work) and need somewhere to talk. It'll be my birthday in a couple of weeks but chris got me an early birthday present, a fender stratocaster copy (of course !) electric guitar! Tis cool! I have already two guitars, a classical and an acoustic with pickups but I have never had a working electric so I'm really happy. I've been wanting to play again lately so it is a good excuse to rekindle my interest. :-) 1 comment|post comment

[23 Apr 2002|08:27pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Wendy Rule ] Its been a long time since I updated but I haven't really felt up to writing and life has just been busy. Since last time, I've dropped out of one unit making life much much less stressful but I am generally not happy with the course so I'm looking at going back to Murdoch. Not much has changed in the job scene, unfortunately, as I want nothing more than a full time job! Half the time it seems my skills are too general or I don't have enough experience. Although going into full time study for another year, which is what I am thinking of doing at Murdoch, seems like more of a waste of time I am actually hoping that it will provide me with more work opportunities. And of course, if I do get a full time job in the mean time then I will take it. Otherwise, not much has changed :) 3 comments|post comment

insomnia [01 Mar 2002|02:36pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Boa - 'Duvet' (The theme song from Lain) ] I woke up at 4am and cried... scenarios of pain played repeatedly in my mind. Im having nightmares again, its all the stress. I've taken today of work with a migraine, and spent the better half of the morning in bed. I was finally able to sleep once the sun came up. I dont know what it is about the night-time and the wind, it makes me feel vulnerable. I lay awake so I can confront any {imaginary} beings that break into my space. Ive always felt that education is the best way out of the poverty cycle, and after getting my degree I thought I would be able to get a good paying job and be able to *live* life instead of forcing my way through the undergrowth. Im praying that something good comes out of my current studies, that I am able to get somewhere. Im hoping to be able to do the work. Ive got myself a second job now, a kind of telemarketing, that is at night. I have extra shifts at the belltower, so I am working all day then heading off to a night job. and trying to do uni work. I *should* be able to cope with this, in comparison to other people it is nothing, but I already feel like I am crumbling under the pressure. The main problem is that I dont drive, and Chris has to take me around everywhere to get me places in time. Chris is also beyond breaking point, he's the busiest unemployed person Ive ever met. Every morning Im waking up feeling terribly guilty. And worthless. stressed/depressed. I dont know what the fuck to do. post comment

[26 Feb 2002|11:22pm] I want to be loyal to livejournal, but .. :-( im thinking of getting a 'weblog' because i can put that on my webpage for free. im sorry ppls - but im poor at the moment and cant afford a paid account... i feel real awful about considering what really is competition *sigh* 2 comments|post comment

Administrative Nightmare [12 Feb 2002|08:21am] If there was a test to see how much of a procrastinator you are, I would get about 80%. I wagged Tafe yesterday to have a big think about what I am doing and what I want and I realised that I don't really want to be doing fulltime study. I want money. I want to be off welfare. I want a job - several jobs if I need to! It took me all morning to realise that, I was just hum-harring.... I am still going to do my Masters. Depending on what time work will be I might enrol in a design unit. I'm thinking (procrastinating) about double-majoring in design and education. Aside from that, my sweetheart bought me a present home last night... a 17 inch monitor - Yay!! My old ones (going on 6 yrs old) tube has been going and the colors have been stuffed so bad that I drew a lovely picture, then looked at it on Chris' monitor to realise the colors i'd chosen looked like something you'd find in a nappy! So I spent the better part of last night playing Diabolo 2 - until now it has been navigating in hte dark and getting killed lots. Now I can actually see better but that doesnt stop me from being killed... doh! 2 comments|post comment

[07 Feb 2002|02:06pm] [ mood | mellow ] Every month chris and I celebrate the 'anniversary' of when we first started going together. It is kinda silly in a way but it is a good excuse to go out somewhere special together, esp when life has been busy. So yesterday afternoon I met chris in Subiaco when Tafe finished and we spent the afternoon together. In Subi there are a couple of excellent Japanese stores (one 'real', the other a franchise store). The first one we went to is a Japanese food market that also stocks some kitsch items such as Hello Kitty paraphernalia (really really cheap!). They have miso paste in tubs that would make the yummiest soup, as well as all sorts of noodles and dried vegetables. We're going to go back there for a shop-up. Over the road there is a 'Made in Japan' store, that has high end pottery, 2nd hand kimonos and the How to Draw Manga books. They also sell old Japanese school books that I can just imagine rich Subi people putting on their coffee tables as something 'fashionable' and the books containing elementary reading such as 'see spot run' :-) Our plans were to go see Amelie at Luna cinema but one way streets and a desperate need to go to the toilet meant we were late. So to cheer ourselves up we went... shopping! I got chris a haircut... by force but I think he is happy now. It did look gorgeous and spunky but he brushed it down this morning in the same dreggy, old fart hair do (like his dads) that he has all the time. He doesnt seem to have the confidence to wear his hair differently anymore, and that is really sad. Anyway, I also got myself a copy of No Logo by Naomi Klein and the Cure - Greatest Hits DVD. I reckon they should make more video clip DVD's. (We have the Blur one also). We also got a rubber penis and later put it in chris' mums' chocolate tin *eg* That was funny. After the gym we went and say Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Everybody with an odd sense of humor should go see it. Then we came home and I went to bed :-) Im going now... bye! post comment

[05 Feb 2002|09:30pm] [ mood | humoured ] Im apparently a Hobbit, which suits me fine except I actually shave my legs :-) post comment

[05 Feb 2002|09:11pm] i have a question for anyone who reads my journal... what is EMO as in "emo kid", or "my subculture is emo"?? post comment

how good it is to be in love [20 Jan 2002|11:57pm] today, at work, i talked awhile with a lovely irish woman who had 'lost' her husband in the building. we talked of home and travel, of love and of marriage. she was saying se had been married for 40 years and despite having a disabled son, they have been the happiest days of her life. she loved her husband for who he was, she did not want to change him and he hadn't changed. that man she married when she was 20 was still the same, loving person at 60. i told her that one day i would like to get married to my sweetheart of today but how people nowadays would say 22 y/o is too young to have made up your mind about who you want to be with, that it will end up in divorce. the thought of such really really scares me and at times i feel like we are falling apart although really we are just growing together. i wanted to know what the difference was between this womans generation and ours, she didn't really have an answer, but i wonder if in those days, for people who were in love (not those in forced marriages) there was a different kind of community, and i wonder if the way us young people - well, since the 70's really - are shrouded by subculture and identifying tags that we assume somethings from people guided by those representations, and what we love is not the true person. either that, or the person does not know their true self through the disguise. after this conversation i felt so in love, it was like something that swiftly filled my body from my feet to my head, and i felt confident in knowing that love was real. 1 comment|post comment

[19 Jan 2002|09:48pm] [ mood | working ] I've just discovered that emulsifiers in bread are derived from animals. :-( this really annoys me as I see no reason for so many animal products to be used! i was also wondering what other people think of this? most people dont eat products with gelatine because it is animal based, but does anyone think it is going 'too far' as a vegetarian to not eat bread with these particuluar emulsifiers in it? I am not too sure, but now I know I don't think I could eat the breads that use them again (at least when I am aware of it). Here is the information: http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~kkaos/add.html 1 comment|post comment

[19 Jan 2002|09:28pm] [ mood | working ] Ive been hot and listless today but now it is night and I am settled in from of the fan so I think I may go about learning more mysql and php. post comment

Officially a student of Curtin Uni [17 Jan 2002|09:51pm] I was in panic mode today, trying to get everything to work together and all be okay by centerlink. Well, I don't know about that yet - its so complicated and when you are on benefits they rule your life! Anyway... after a day of running around Im too stuffed to write about it, and I have to do it all again tomorrow. *sigh* post comment

[14 Jan 2002|11:24pm] [ mood | Hot... it is so damn hot here! ] [ music | Belly - Superconnected ] I got into TAFE :-) This means I have the opportunity to study printing and graphic design (basically desktop publishing) 2 and a half days a week and work the other days, as well as doing my master. I will be a busy lil gal! This course looks cool, you get to use macs (yay! i want one of the new ones as seen here) and learn software like pagemaker and quarkexpress, so i'm hoping it will give me skills to get better employment. :-) It still feels weird tho, cause once you've been to uni theres the impression that it is a step down. My family won't be too impressed, for some rellies it is bad enough that I have done an english degree. Hmm... oh well. Im going to bed. post comment

It is the small things in life tht matter [08 Jan 2002|07:06pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | PJ Harvey - We Float ] My sweetheart quinna said something the other day that made me realise that it is the small things in life that matter the most and are what we really love about one another. We were sitting in a cafe putting the sugar in the coffee and mixing it in. He looked at my drink, and smiled. I was wondering why, but continued stirring the froth about. He finally admitted that he was admiring the way I always make the froth into a consistent creamy color and texture instead of the dark cream/white swirls. Such a small detail! I couln't believe it :-) I had never even noticed that I dealt with coffee in that way. It was such a sweet little thing to think of, and they are the things that matter beyond anything else. post comment

Resolutions [04 Jan 2002|12:28am] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Patsy Cline - Crazy ] *This had been extracted from my private journal. I couldnt sleep last night, I had this acute paranoia over me that something bad was gonna happen if I fell asleep so I forced myself through the night by playing the Sims and in the early hours I wrote this...* A new year has come upon us and with it brings new hopes, dreams and goals. From this day forward I have the ability to change the direction of my life. Long have I planned changed but the implementation is always the hard step. You have to find the confidence to break away from your old, comforting cycle into something which is scary at first but you will find yourself adapting to. I have found this working at the belltower, in Perth. It is a tall glass structure, and before this time, I have been terrified of heights so working at such a place would be inconcievable. However, I really wanted the job, and money will help you do anything really. So I have adapted and I find I quite like it. I spend most of my work time on level six, the observation deck. Whilst I can't walk around the gantry, that is a minor thing that I will, too, eventually overcome. Of the many changes I plan for this year, my health is top of the list. Chris & I have had a pretty shocking eating plan in recent months, having alot of take away. Even tho we buy organic, fresh vegies each fortnight, most of them go off. Which I feel is really unethical and again something I want to change. Basically, we need to eat a better diet consisting of several meals - not snack times - that have all the nutrients we need. I can feel how bad my body feels in every pore! I want energy from good food, I want to lose weight from good food & regular exercise! So... New Years Resolution 1 : Eat Healthy, Eat up all our good food, Exercise regularly & be clean in the kitchen! Emotional changes also need to take place for me to be able to succeed with healthy eating and healthy living. I find when things get me down - and lately it has been easy to do this - I comfort eat, I struggle to think and I cry alot. My goal is not to get rid of these, they are normal parts of life and one cannot deny them. My goal is to set in place alternative ways to deal with the triggers. It involves me becoming stronger and in a way becoming selfish. The triggers often are * issues with my mum, * negative comments or uni results and * misconceptions that happen between chris and I. There are also other emotions, namely fear and lack of confidence, that stop me from reaching my full potential. I feel that as I start to look after my self better all these will fall into place. Again, these are big things to conquor but if I can get over fear of heights thru adaptation then I can do so with these! So... Things to do Jan 2002 - Work out a 'plan' of positive ways to counteract negative emotions... And... New Years Resolution 2 : Become emotionally stronger, Believe in yourself, Have confidence, Walk with your face to the sun so you do not see the shadows! I have been offered a place in a Masters degree @ curtin uni, and this is one thing I *have* to have success in. I know I am excellent at the subject and all it requires is a regular study pattern and confidence in my ability to get through. This Jan I am to: begin work on a website for my research materials, that also compiles materials I have at my disposal already & begin writing - anything! Technical manuals, short essays. Get into the habit of writing more! So... New Years Resolution 3 : Utilise a good, realistic study plan, write regularly and read diversly! Just a reminder to myself, you know you have the ability, and you should no longer let yourself down because of fear. The world is in the palm of your hand and you must take advantage of all your opportunities! (Back to now...) At the moment I am completing a statement against the criteria for a government job that is similar to my role at the belltower. It has to be in by 4pm tomorrow (yikes - today!) so I had better get to it. I am having a bit of a Gal's Day Out today (friday) with my high school buddy Sandy, so somewhere in there we will fit in job applications! I'm also getting a letter tomorrow from Murdoch to confirm my graduation so I can go enrol in the Masters course... yay! :-) post comment

[31 Dec 2001|11:42am] my journal is a year old today - happy birthday :-) happy new years everyone! post comment

[28 Dec 2001|10:00pm] hehe... i've seen lord of the rings twice now... sweet :-) post comment

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