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"We Will Have More Money Than God!"

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Should Republicans Get Special Rights?

Washington —The guns of compassionate conservatism have been mostly silenced in Iraq, except for the occasional target practice on citizens who question their liberation. In this country, homosexuals have achieved equal rights with pedophiles and those who make advances on cocker spaniels. Poor people have been all but eliminated thanks to state budget cuts forced by the current depression.



For George W. Bush, it’s time to bring out the weapons of mass destruction. “Just watch,” a Bush adviser told Time magazine, “We’ll have more money than God!”


The adviser unfortunately does not speak of a national treasury that once would have made Bill Gates green with envy. Thanks to 30 months of compassionate conservatism and revenue sharing amidst needy people who had to water down their martinis at the country club, the national treasury resembles the checking account of the average dot.com survivor.

“More money than God,” refers to the Bush re-election campaign that can now get underway with its goal of achieving those last 500,000 votes Bush needed to win the 2000 election. Having just defeated a popular Iraqi official who won his last election with 99 percent of the vote, Bush believes he’s ready for a roll.

In addition to those who will be sending in some of their dividend tax savings to the Bush campaign, there will be new money from the liberated Iraqi oil workers. “What else could we do but send some of our token oil profits to keep our liberator in office?” An Iraqi oil official noted.

Even though the Bush campaign has more than enough money to win the election and placement of millions of butterfly ballots in every state in the country, campaign officials promise some additional insurance measures to keep Bush in the White House.

“You’re either with us, or you are with the terrorist!” will be the theme of the 2004 GOP campaign. “It doesn’t quite have the ring of “It’s the economy, stupid,” a Bush campaign marketing aide admitted, “but I think when voters are shown the facilities we built on Guantanomo Bay for those who continue to be reluctant to keep this administration in office, they will get the message.”

Just in case they don’t, Attorney General John Ashcroft has proposed new legislation that will require voters to submit a DNA sample with their ballots in the November election. “This simply protects America’s tradition of a secret ballot,” Ashcroft said while autographing copies of his new book Good Is Evil: An Insider’s Look at Patriot II.

Former Enron CEO Ken Lay will be named chairman of the “Let’s Forget Florida” committee charged with keeping Bush in the White House rather than in a Belgian jail after his impending war crimes trial. “Considering everything that’s happened, “Lay recalled, “being Kenny-Boy for Bush, beats being somebody’s bitch in a federal prison.”

Lay says he will keep the lights on for Bush in 2004, just as he promised to keep the lights on in California during 2001. In preparation, Lay says he will send a huge donation to the Al Sharpton for President Committee to make Sharpton the Democratic front runner. “We Republicans must do everything we can to promote diversity,” Lay said.

Georgia’s new Republican Senator will be brought in to advise the Republican campaign how to make honored Vietnam War Veteran John Kerry seem like a traitor, while still another dirty tricks effort will organize a “Nazis for Lieberman” committee. Christian conservatives will march on New Hampshire with tales of Howard Dean sending Vermont homosexuals sucking maple syrup from New Hampshire trees and selling the syrup as a Vermont product.

A former tobacco company marketing director now working on behalf of the Bush campaign says the key to Bush’s election will be to continue America’s current addiction to the commander-in-chief. He notes that despite the fact that Osama bin Laden is still at large and people are still dying in Afghanistan, America gives high marks to its commander-in-chief. Despite the fact that many Iraqis are reluctant to be liberated, and Saddam Hussein is still at large, the general public still loves its war-commander. “As long as the White House keeps blowing smoke on the Big Picture, America will continue to breathe it in,” the marketing man acknowledged.

But what of America’s faith-based interest in doing good and eschewing evil?

“Hey, “the marketing director noted, “You heard the man, we’ve got more money than God.”


   

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