Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Untergrundbahn, sie treasonous schweine - Ihr sandwich unterhält uns nicht! Why do I keep missing the important stories? How is it that I am unaware of Subway's treasonous belittling of America to our archenemies the krauts, until they've already cowered, running back under the rock from which they've crawled, mixing their metaphors with their tails tucked firmly in their cheeks. I dunno, maybe I should read Town Hall more. That way I would have heard about the Center for Individual Freedom's campaign to end these blasphemous tray-liners before victory was announced. It's not funny, people. I wish you would quit treating this sort of thing as a joke. Look: The German Subway outlets used tray-liners that showed an obese Lady Liberty holding her fries up high and a burger in her hand, with a caption asking, "Why are Americans so fat?" You think that's funny? Shame on you! You just wait until after the election when we can round you people up and show you 'funny'. As CFIF spokesman Jeff Mazzella so eloquently stated it, "Simply put, SUBWAY’s advertising strategy is a new low in corporate behavior -- exploiting cultural tensions and inflaming anti-American sentiment abroad just to sell more sandwiches. It is appalling that SUBWAY, a U.S. company, would attack Americans and the Statue of Liberty in a time of war ... just to gain market share." Just to gain market share. The befuddled North Korean sandwich chain didn't even apologize, just mumbled something about some 'campaign' to fight obesity. This will not stand! Even Tom Delay interrupted his busy schedule to comment: "This is every bad stereotype about corporate America come true." You go, Tom. "I guess for some companies, corporate patriotism is as flexible as Jared's waistline." Truer words were never spoken, and just for the record, we never liked Jared either. 12:04:02 PM    comment []

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Nothing much rhymes with orange, which makes for a boring alert. Old intelligence is better than no intelligence, I say, and we should be grateful for any intelligence we're given. Like a moderately fine wine, some of this intelligence is Clinton-era info, back in the days when facts were rare as all hell. 'Woodwork creaks and out come the freaks'. Well, shit, only a sorry-ass traitor would suggest we're being manipulated, and let me tell you something mister, even if we are, I defy you to tell me to what ends we're being bent. Think about it, don't think about it, all our intelligence is darn good intelligence, and uh... Driving out of town yesterday, driving real slow cause there are way too many cops on display, blue suits sitting on their hogs all along the Fairfax Parkway, just a-scanning the horizon for that mini-van of terror, and of course, folks don't know better, maybe they feel a little shady, maybe they ain't got their county sticker renewed, the same type of detail your garden variety suicide driver might overlook, so they power down to about half the speed limit cause that don't look suspicious. "We're a nation in danger." Yeah, man, could be, like who's not, and you're making me blasé. 10:58:57 AM    comment []

Opinion: Whiny Girl Needs to be Smacked "Beauty? Let me tell you something — being thought of as a beautiful woman has spared me nothing in life. No heartache, no trouble. Love has been difficult. Beauty is essentially meaningless and it is always transitory."  - Halle Berry, August 2. 9:45:40 AM    comment []

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Preaching to the Choir Here's a new one. Anyone who wanted to attend Vice President Cheney's Republican pep rally in Albuquerque on Saturday was required to sign a loyalty oath. No shit. According to today's Washington Post (print only), if you wanted to attend the rally and were not a known contributor or volunteer worker, you were required to sign the following: "I <full name> do hereby endorse George W. Bush for reelection of the United States." First off, that's illiterate. What the hell does that mean, "for reelection of the United States?" Sounds like Bush wrote it himself. See, the idea was to keep out potential protesters. Cause like the form said, signing it gave the RNC permission to release your name as an endorser of Bush/Cheney. And golly, I know that would be enough to cause me to give up my plans and head right home. I'd be so frightened of seeing the next TV ad, the one that said "President Bush is endorsed by Mark Hoback." But some people were deterred  by the tactic, according to the Albuquerque Tribune. Undecided voters. Maybe this will help them make up their minds. 11:25:16 AM    comment []

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Balloons   by Don Mischer*   We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. . . . No confetti. No confetti. No confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? All balloons -     Where the hell -          There's nothing falling. What the fuck are you guys doing up there? * producer of the Democratic National Convention. As heard on CNN when balloons did not fall on schedule. 9:18:19 AM    comment []

Friday, July 30, 2004

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. 7/30/04 "I appreciate my running mate. He's not the prettiest man in the race, but he's got sound judgment." Goddamnit to hell! I'm sick of these backhanded compliments. George obviously knows a pretty man when he sees one. When we're together, it's nothing but rainbows, flowers, and lollipops, but when he talks to the press, he acts like everything's... casual. Well, as far as I'm concerned, he can go fuck himself. 7:21:48 PM    comment []

September 1, 2004, 9:17 PM EST <Sea of red, white, and blue, and that's only the delegates' hair. Balloon and confetti and thousands of happy flushed faces. Zell Miller is speaking.> ZM: ...it's no longer the Party of Hope, I wanna tell you now, it's downright depressing. Today's Democratic Party has become Mr. Kerry's many mansions of cynicism and skepticism. And when I say many mansions, I mean many mansion. Why, John Kerry and his foreign speaking wife have more moola than all but a handful of Republicans. Hey, maybe you'd like to give some of those clams back, huh Mister Flip-flop. When it comes to taxes and services, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone more opposed to the interests of middle-class Americans than that rich old French speaking John Flip-flop Kerry. Except maybe the Breck Girl, Pretty Johnny Edwards. Both voted against tax relief, and both... <A large contention of men in black push their way through the hall, making a path for Vice President Cheney> DC: Hold it, Zell. We've got an important announcement to make. ZM: Oh, God. Are the terrorists attacking? Is that what's happening? Do we need to evacuate? DC: Keep your panties on, Zell. This is a good surprise. Sorry to interrupt you, but I think you're going to like it. All right, fellas, roll in the cage. <Four Marines wheel is a large velvet covered cage, followed by Condi Rice in a sequined circus girl outfit, and Trent Lott in a ringleaders hat and tails> ZM: What the hell, Dick.! DC: Condi, the cape please. CR: <whipping the cover off the cage> Whammo, Zammo, It's a little bit of campaign magic! <A tall man in a white robe is inside clutching the bars. A sign over his head reads 'The MasterMind'. He appears to be shouting, but between the gasps from the audience and his lack of microphone, no one can hear him> TL: Ladies and gentlemen, we present for your entertainment tonight none other than the Monster of the Middle East, the Titan of Terror, Pure Evil Personified, Mister Osama bin Laden! Audience: BOOOO. HISSSSS. Off with his head. <from the cage, muffled> I'm not him! DC: What's that you say, Mister Insane Killer? <from the cage, a little clearer> I'm not him! CR: Oh, really. Well, you're certainly the right size. And you are in a cage. DC: Cooperate, you bastard. Confess, or you'll never see your dialysis machine again. CR: So, Mister not-Osama, just what were your doing with a towel wrapped around your head? <from the cage, indignant> Your goons grabbed me right as I was getting out of the shower... TL: Ladies and gentlemen, the second most evil man who ever lived has just called our brave Army Rangers a bunch of goons. Audience: HISSSSS. BOOOO. Cut off his balls! ZM: The only men who wrap a towel around their heads are either camel-jockeys or girly-boys. TL: Yeah. Queers or steers, and you don't look like a cow to me. CR: Huh? <from the cage, shouting loudly> I'm Hollywood's Jeff Goldblum!!! ZM: Don't know the name. DC: You've been hiding in Hollywood all this time? Doh! We should have known. TL: Let's bomb Hollywood, Dick, let's bomb Hollywood. <from the cage, desperate> I was in Jurassic Park. CR: Not Hollywood, Dick. Jurasiparque. That's right over the border in Pakistan. DC: Gag him! Enough of your lies, Evil one. TL: <Approaching the cage> Yeah, enough. America has had enough. And I'm gonna tear your heart out. Just like you tried to tear the heart out of... DC: Hold it, Trent. Where's your manners? CR: Right, Trent. Where's your manners? TL: Uhh... DC: I believe that Mister Miller here has the floor, and we've cut into his speaking time. Etiquette states that if anyone tears out the madman's heart, it should be him. Here, Zell, use my gun. <from the cage> Mmmmuhmm. ZM: Take this, you murdering bastard! Gun: Bang! Bang Bang! Bang Bang Bang! CR: Whoa! DC: You can say that again, Condi. Guards! Grab him. ZM: Whuh? TL:  You just shot Hollywood's Jeff Goldblum. Ashton Kutcher <Appearing from nowhere>: Zell Miller, you've just been punked, dude. ZM: <Being dragged away> Sorry Mister Goldblum. DC: <taking the microphone, and pointing to Goldblum's body> You know, four years ago, he said "Please, dear God, let Al Gore get to be president." Hasn't had a lot of good rolls since then... 2:29:01 PM    comment []

Plug TheStain 12:13:12 PM    comment []

11:01:41 AM    comment []

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I Ain't Fraid of no Bike For the second time in three months, President Bush has fallen down and gone boom, a victim of his own evil bicycle. As opposed to the May incident, where Bush landed on his nose, his ass, his right hand, his chin, his upper lip, his left knee and his right knee, this accident involved significantly fewer body parts. According to the AP, at one point Bush went "sailing over the handlebars and landing on his back." In some way that defies my personal knowledge of anatomy, this somehow also resulted in a cut to his knee. The AP report has some disturbing information, such as this: "He pants hard, emitting low ``hrrr, hrrr, hrrr'' grunts with each stroke of the pedals, his shoulders bobbing up and down." Hey, that is disturbing to me. It's the same sound that the tentacle creature in my dreams makes when it chases me through the abandoned warehouse, my path illuminated only by one dim bulb which keeps threatening to flicker out forever, much like my own existence. "Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr," it grunts from mere inches away, it's tentacles bobbing up and down. I feel a clammy suction cup brush up against my neck, and then awake, bathed in sweat, the possibility of sleep - for me - no longer an option. 8:34:30 AM    comment []

Monday, July 26, 2004

7:48:38 PM    comment []

...and now, it's time for Steve Raker TV Newsroom Pep Talk About the convention coverage; I know you people are doing your level best to convey to all our viewers that the current crop of tame political conventions will be different from the rip-roaring, gun-totin', whiskey drinkin', sheep rapin' conventions of yore.  We must do more.  I heard today about a fella who had just popped up from a deep 50 year coma and he said he was unaware that conventions are no longer significant in a big decision making way.  He is our audience; coma man and also extremely bad memory man.  Remember people, no convention story is complete unless some way can be found to weave in the idea that conventions used to be different.  Different than they are currently.  In fact, screw 'weave in', I smell a Pulitzer; let's go full time with our take on the notion that things are not now as they once were.  Bill, I want you in charge of our monster data base of things that have happened previously that won't happen now.  Sally, you'll be our liaison with the graphics department; you know, something like two circles that don't intersect because one of them is full of things that did happen and the other is full of things that probably will happen.  Have them do something like that, 50 different ways.  Sue, you handle the old photos of very young looking newscasters with big funny hair and big funny clothes, you know, ties and lapels that could double as bedspreads.  Other Bill, get me some old geezer interviews.  Ask them, oh I don't know, something about how conventions used to be different than they are now.  Go people go; this drivel won't write itself.  Our coverage will not be about what is happening, but of what's not happening.  Oh baby, that's gold; get that to the intro crew stat.  If the FDR - Truman convention story does not air at least once every 15 minutes, heads will roll - not like they used to roll, of course.    12:58:02 PM    comment []