Humorist Danny Gallagher makes fun of the news, so you don't have to.

 
Normally, I don't post personal news because it just seems so self-serving and egotistical. But then I realized that I'm always self-serving and egotistical, so here's a big, fat, piece of juicy news about yours truly.

"News Rants" Completes Phase One of World Domination Plan by Joining Caffimage.com

Now you can read "News Rants" in full length column form at CaffImage.com, a popular online entertainment magazine based in Montreal. Each week, I'll get to spend 700-1000 glorious words yelling and screaming like a stark raving lunatic about the week's news from the outcome of Kenneth Lay's arrest to the new gay marriage bill under a graphic of me looking like my inner demon. He's demanding a residual check for likeness rights, the little bastard. Bookmark it and check back for a new edition every Wednesday.

Another shortened rant is coming up right after these messages...
posted by Danny at 8:21 AM

 
I know that a story like this isn't as important as, say, the early handover of Iraq to the new government and the bloodbath that ensued or the new interest rate hike or the fact that one of the Olson Twins has an eating disorder. But this is just too good, the temptation is too much. Must...resist...urge...to...talk...about...Dick...Cheney...ah, screw it.

Cheney Curses Out Sen. Leahy on Senate Floor

Now before this little rant takes flight, rest assured I'm not going to make fun of the fact that Cheney was stupid enough to act like a raving lunatic in front of the press and reporters because he's done it so many times, I can set my watch to it. And I'm not going to criticize him for the fact that he used the "f-word" because if using it in public were a federal crime, I'd be writing this week's post from Guantanamo Bay. I'm not even going to make the usual cracks about the fact if the said word raised his blood pressure 1/10th of an inch, he'd slip into a cardiac coma faster than Jim Fixx after a morning jog and a bacon eating contest.

No, what's truly funny here is the context surrounding the curse word and the way in which Cheney talked about the incident after it hit the fish wraps. First of all, it was during a group photo on the floor of the Senate, which means somewhere in this world has to be a picture of Cheney bawling out Leahy, which if I ever find will replace the picture on my computer desktop of Condoleeza Rice playing hopscotch.

He started it (that's right, all you kindergarten teachers out there, he started it) by getting in Leahy's face about his criticism of alleged improprieties in the contracts awarded to Halliburton just after the US declared victory in Iraq. Cheney's probably mad because he's been taking a lot of flak over being a former Halliburton CEO in the midst of this mess. In Cheney's defense, I'd feel a little miffed over the fact because even if the charges are false, it still makes him look like Professor Plum being caught with the revolver in the conservatory.

So Leahy counteracts with the classic "Your mama's so fat, she couldn't jump to a conclusion" snap and Cheney tells him to "(rhymes with duck) off" or "(sounds like hockey puck) you." Apparently, there were some Southern grandmothers on the floor that day who were righteously shocked by his behavior and the word hit the street quick. I'm also guessing one of them gave him a spanking, but it's too disturbing to think about. I know...too late.

Now, here's the best part. In an interview with the Fox News Channel (where our motto is "Fair and Balanced, Schmair and Balanced..."), Cheney not only confirmed that he said it but that he "felt better after I said it." On the one hand, I'm thrilled there's a politician in this world who's willing to act like a human being and not cow-tow to the throes of political correctness in the name of keeping their job. But on the other hand, this is also a desperate ploy to get some approval points after seeming stiffer than Al Gore laid out on the slab for three straight years in office. Take my word for it, Secretary of State Colin Powell will be the opening act at this year's Def Comedy Jam.
posted by Danny at 7:34 PM

 
It's not often that a story like this one rears it's funny looking head on the Internet. But when it does, one cannot turn away, one must mock it. It's like a Medusa version of Siegfried and Roy.

Hastert Critizes McCain on Sacrifices for War

After a two month slapfest between House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Illinois, and Senator John McCain, R-Arizona, the two finally got into a public shouting match over the new budget plans, which amid times of war calls for (guess what!) more spending and tax cuts.

McCain, a constant bitchslapper of the Bush Administration, publically chastized his own party for supporting tax cuts while the war in Iraq is still going on saying that no one seems to be willing to make sacrifices. Hastert then cleverly retorted, "Of course, we're making sacrifices except mine's taken the form of a tax cut."

Then the two got into a shouting match with Hastert actually lecturing McCain on what it means to make sacrifices during times of war implying McCain didn't know what he was talking about. The funny thing is McCain spent the Vietnam war in a POW camp because he was called to serve his country (that's not the funny part, I'm not there yet) and Hastert spent the Vietnam war stateside probably in some kind of tennis resort/masseuse college because of a shoulder injury.

McCain retorted Hastert's hypocritical statement, which for no reason is translated below into Jive speak thanks to the folks at "The Dialectizer":

"De rapa' is co'rect in dat nodin' we is called downon t'do comes close t'matchin' de heroism uh our troops. All we is called downon t'do be to not spend our nashun into bankruptcy while our soldiers risk deir lives. ah' fondly rememba' a time when real Republicans stood fo' fiscal responsibility. Slap mah fro!"

Hastert and McCain have always had bad blood between them. But President Bush is scheduled to make an appearance on Capitol Hill Friday to patch things up, and it'll probably do about as much good as letting Ozzy Osbourne become the Secretary General of the United Nations. They should just get the whole thing over with a boxing match. I can see Don King pitching it to the networks now...

"I'm telling ya, only in America will you be able to watch the most splendiforous, blastitidunal, hogtastic, toasterific bout in the history of professional boxing! I'm calling it "The Decorated War Hero Who's Loud and Crass vs. the Speaker of the House with the Big Fat Ass!"
posted by Danny at 5:55 PM

 
The mud in this Presidential election is flying like they've sprouted wings and headed South for the winter. And, not surprisingly, almost all of it is focused on John Kerry and President Bush's military record.

Kerry's Military Record, Achievements "Bush"whacked

Since Kerry's military record as a Vietnam veteran is his strongest asset as a presidential candidate, the Bush campaign has decided to blitz this first string star quarterback since the military record quarterback on Bush's side is a fat, deaf, one legged guy with asthma.

Basically, the attacks have worked like this. Kerry would accuse Bush of starting the Iraq war under false pretenses or giving Haliburton a high priced contract or giving POV's indian burns or something. Then Kerry would say at least he served in a war or a forward area unlike Bush who protected America from the scourge of the Earth in the National Guard. Then Bush would tell Kerry to back up his military claims with his military records unless he's chicken. Then Kerry would show Bush his military records, which weren't up to John Rambo's standard but proved he served in Vietnam during heavy combat and got a couple of medals along the way. But that's not enough to shut the Bush team up, they started claiming he spoke out against the war and even (GASP!) threw his medals away.

They'll go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. One of them will probably accuse the other of having an affair with General McArthur's chambermaid. And when the whole thing is played out, whoever's holding the potato when the music stops doesn't get to be President.

I'm not sure if Bush's jabs are sticking with the voters, but Kerry's doing a nice job with the blocking. The truth is basic military experience is like having "can speak Portugese" on your resume. It's a nice thing to have there and it'll probably come in handy at some point, but chances are you only know a few choice phrases like "Can you fix my broken record player?", "My Mom's hair is black" or "This beer isn't cold enough."

Besides, the American people don't care if their favorite candidate served in the military. They'll vote for a candidate based in one of the three following areas: (1) does he have sex with his wife, (2) does he play an instrument or speak a foreign language or (3) does he watch NASCAR.
posted by Danny at 6:25 PM

 
Ever since 9/11, a lot of political and government figure heads have been wanting to take away some of our most basic civil liberties and Constitutional rights for the sake of safety and control. But there's a small town in Texas called New Braunfels that's passed an ordinance that if it has a ripple effect on the federal level could destroy freedom as we know it.

New Braunfels Bans Beer Bongs

That classic college party favor, the beer bong, is no longer allowed for public use along the city's Central Texas rivers BY LAW because they present a bad image to citizens and tourists on vacation because I'm sure we've all got New Braunfels, Texas on our "Places to Visit Before I Die" list right between the Taj Mahal and the Wayne Newton/Tony Orlando theater in Branson, Missouri.

Ken Valentine, District 6 Councilman on the New Braunfels City Council, said the city decided to draft (HA! Draft! Get it? Oh somebody please shoot me) the ordinance in order to curb their image as a binge drinking town and because it discourages people from using the rivers.

First of all, when I'm drinking my weight in luke warm Pabst Blue Ribbon, a river would be the first thing I use if one's available nearby since beer makes me piss like a wine taster with a pea-sized bladder. And even though I've never been to Funtown, U.S.A., I can definitely say that drinking until you pass out is probably the only thing worth doing in New Braunfels.
posted by Danny at 6:46 PM

 
I realize that I've been picking on the Bush Administration a lot lately, but trying to do otherwise is like trying to win a staring contest with Medusa. The stories lately are just too ridiculous and too ripe for ridicule to pass up. Here's what I mean...

White House Denies Sacrificing Scientific Fact for Political Agendas

The President's Office of Science and Technology Policy is being accused of promoting incorrect information as scientific fact in order to support their own political beliefs and agendas on such issues as abstinence, abortion and the environment, if you can call being against "the environment" a stance since you really don't have to do anything to show people that you're against the environment.

The brunt of attacks came from the Washington based Union of Concerned Scientists (motto: "We're concerned! We're scientists! Get used to it!") who claimed the Office purposefully left false information on their website, long after some of them were debunked in widely published scientific studies and experiments. Director John H. Marburger III denied the group's claims saying all is happy in the Land of Make Believe, and added, "Oh, look, here's a pony, would you like to ride the pony? It's fun. I also bet you'd like a lollipop as well. Mmmmm, lemon, my favorite."

Take for example, according to the Washington Post, a post on the National Cancer Institute's website suggesting a positive link between breast cancer and abortion. Several members of the Centers for Disease Control vehemently refuted the claims saying years of study have proven otherwise, the report said, and the information only came down after a public outcry forced the OSTP to take action. Marburger said the information was removed as soon as they found out it was incorrect, which just happened to be in the same amount of time it takes for Styrofoam to biodigrade.

Even though the White House and the OSTP is going to deny everything the UCS claims, it made me realize just how easy it is to fudge scientific facts to push your own political ideals. It's like screaming "Fire!" in a movie theater or "Shark!" at the beach or "Rush Limbaugh!" at an all you can eat "Seafoodfest and Nacho-Off." Take a look and what some other politicians and pundits are saying...

JOHN KERRY: Being out of work or joining the National Guard in times of world war can lead to heart disease and impotence.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: Addictions to pain killers make you smart enough to tell off those whining Liberal child molesters.

STROM THURMOND: (NOTE: He couldn't say anything because, one, he's dead and, two, he was born before science was discovered.)

HOWARD DEAN: An over active medulla oblongata just means you're really enthusiastic about becoming president.

MICHAEL MOORE: Driving an SUV is a symptom of male genital shrinkage.

Actually, that last one's true.
posted by Danny at 8:30 AM

 
Ever since Sept. 11, the American people have been trying to figure out what went wrong with our national security network. But now that certain defense members of the Bush and Clinton Administrations have finally decided to meet with the 9-11 Commission this week, maybe there's a smidgen of a chance they'll shed some light on the answers we've been searching for all these years. Then again, there's also a smidgen of a chance that "Dawn of the Dead" could win the Best Picture Oscar next year, but that doesn't mean there's no chance.

Powell, Rumsfeld, Cohen Take Stand Before 9-11 Commission

Monday marked the beginning of the 9-11 Commission's interviews with the Who's Who of the Bush and Clinton Administrations' national defense and safety departments to figure out exactly what went wrong on Sept. 11, 2001 and why Osama Bin Laden wasn't stopped.

All of this back and forth blaming started after former White House counter-terrorism expert Richard Clark (no relation to presidential candidate Wesley Clark, anti-aging mutant Dick Clark or sugary confection the Clark Bar) started blabbing to "60 Minutes" about how the Bush Administration ignored the warnings about Al-Qaeda and how they pushed him to use the attacks as an excuse to go after Iraq. Now with Republicans and Democrats tossing more blame at each other than a knocked-up whore on "The Jerry Springer Show," the 9-11 attacks have become what we feared they always would become between Republicans and Democrats - a game of "Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?".

Democrats are echoing Clark's sentiments while Republicans blame the Clinton Administration for not stopping Bin Laden when they were in office. But the truth is never going to come out because each party is more interested in saying what they can to protect their side than to actually finding out what went wrong.

Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld actually said the reason they didn't find Bin Laden in time is because the intelligence they received didn't indicate such a thing was happening. I find that fascinating because when it came to the accuracy of reports about Iraq gathering enriched uranium in Africa, their intelligence is 100% correct. But now, he's saying the CIA couldn't find both of their hands with a flashlight even if their fingers they were on fire?

Former Clinton Defense Secretary William Cohen also said his people tried to kill Bin Laden numerous time, which pleased former Senator and Commissioner Bob Kerrey about as much as sitting on a cactus who said, "We had a round in our chamber, and we didn't use it." Cohen and Kerrey are scheduled to face off in a "Yo Momma So Fat..." contest later this week to settle the dispure.

The only shining grace for keeping this debate from becoming a partisan blame game came from National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice who said both the Clinton and Bush Administrations did everything in their power to bring terrorism to a standstill. I was shocked when I read her editorial about it in the Dallas Morning News Tuesday morning because she's normally pretty partisan when it comes to national security issues. She's also pretty. But, like the rest of this country, maybe she's tired of focusing on who to blame and more on bringing the perpetraitors to justice.

But it looks the only way she's going to keep both sides from using 9-11 to tear each apart is if she lines them all up for a spanking. But, hey, a guy like me can always dream, can't he?
posted by Danny at 11:03 AM