Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in jayson's LiveJournal:

Monday, February 19th, 2001
7:20 pm	So I woke up at 6 am. Tossed and turned. I went to the hardware store and bought a lock for my door. I stopped by Sky's house on the way back. Their cars were still there. For the third time I actually believed they were going snowboarding. She had lied to me again. She had no intention. I got home and put the lock on and put all my stuff in my room. I left to go to work or do something to take my mind off of it. I knew nothing would. On the way I turned left at Magnolia like I had the week before for the first time, when I first found out what was happening, when I went into Sky's room and found blood on his sheets. They were gone that day. Today they weren't. I immediately walked upstairs and opened the door; walked in, sat beside them both laying naked in bed like the night before. She called my name. I told her to be out by Saturday, that I was putting new locks on the front door. I woke Sky. "I don't want you to fuck her anymore." He woke and agreed. "Are you lying to me again?" I asked. No... I looked at her, she tried to say something, I left. I went to work. It was over. It was over, I felt decent... I felt horrible. I don't know how I could stand. I did, though. I thought she would come right over. Every car that passed by I thought was her, I WANTED to be her though I knew I never could see her again. I wanted it to be her so bad, but it never was. The night before she refused to come home, she decided that it was over herself. She made the choice because she'd rather slept in the arms of another guy than comfort me in the most terrible pain I'd ever felt up to this point in my life. She said, "tomorrow." I refused. So I thought she might show up that morning. As I worked, she slept in Sky's arms; as every second passed as slow as they can only in pain I wished she would come, but I knew it was over and that she couldn't, that I could not talk to her. And she never came, not for 6 hours. She slept with a good conscience, apparently; how else can you sleep? Apparently she went to a movie with Sky... Too much for now... more later... (1 Comment | Comment on this)
6:39 am	Another recent e-mail... last night... You'd have to know the specifics to understand why no Jerry Springer style reaction was involved. I'll try to tell you later. 6:39 AM. At least I got a little sleep... Here's a good story for you... Got back from hanging with Giles and Haddy and Jake to Jake's house; Kim's upstairs in Sky's room... Nice. So eventually after languishing downstairs for a while I go upstairs and knock. Everyone knows what's going on. No answer. Five more times. No answer. I hear them moving. Again. No answer. I leave. I wait. I go back upstairs, I knock again, louder. Lotti wakes up... "Why don't you just go in... I'll do it for you". She opens the door. Kim won't come out. Too tired. And naked. Eventually she does, we chat for a second. She doesn't care at all. She goes back in. I leave the house. A mile away I turn around. I come back, go upstairs, open the door and enter. Her and Sky laying naked in bed. I try to turn on the light. "How do I turn on the light?" calmly. She tells me to leave. Eventually I get Sky to tell me how to turn it on. I sit down in front of them. I had a lot to say, now not much. I say it. I look in her eyes for a long time in silence. She lays on her side in front of Sky, his arm underneath her. Naked. She says she can't believe it. She tells me I should leave. Sky feigns sleep; I don't know what I'd do either. I told him he lied to me (he told me he wouldn't fuck her last week). I told him to help me out, I'm in pain. Help me out. I told her. Laying there she said "I'm having fun". She told me to go home. I just stared at her. She smiled at me most of the time, then she looked a little sad towards the end. She was faking sadness. (Ooh... just talked to her... tell you in a bit). Stayed there looking at her so long she decided to go outside with me. She got up out of bed exposing her breasts to both me and Sky. Interesting. So we went downstairs and talked. After five minutes of bullshit I got up and left, and told her it's over. I circled the car around, got out, walked to her standing there in her blanket. I kiseed her. She kissed me back. I told her she had to go. "Home?" she asked. "No, away." I left. So I'm at home, she's still there. I just called her. I thought she might actually follow me home, but she didn't. She walked right into the house and into Sky's bed. I just talked to her for about 30 minutes. I told her to come home. She said no. I told her I needed her, I've never been in so much pain. She said she was tired. I asked her how she could possibly love me if she could so easily put me through this much pain. A bullshit reply. At least she's being honest. She said she'd talk to me tomorrow. I told her she wouldn't if she didn't come home. There was no give and take. I gave her the final ultimatum; come home or it's over. She didn't hang up, there was silence. "Hello," I asked. "Hello?" I hung up. It's over. I feel good. I think I will sleep decently, perhaps, tonight. It's ok though, she said she's not sure if she loves me. What do you think? (2 Comments | Comment on this)
Friday, February 16th, 2001
4:43 pm	So I've had my first broken heart... Now I know, I suppose. If I could find the effort I'd tell you about it. I've told it so many times. I don't like Journals... Or writing, really... Haha, I've been lying to myself all this time! Obviously... (3 Comments | Comment on this)
Monday, February 12th, 2001
1:09 pm	Here's an excerpt from an e-mail I just wrote to Nathalie... Since I haven't posted anything for a while, this should be a decent showing of what's been going on lately... I think I might put up the whole story soon, but it seems sooo long, and is not nearly over... Actually, I will because I want to see how all of this shite pans out from an objective point of view in the future when I'm back in a happy and sedated place... Thank you... I never really thought I'd be having conversations like this with you (well, with anyone actually, but especially with you...) Thanks for the help, it actually made me feel better... I think you are very right in everything you said. I've always wanted this "interesting" drama shit; nothing's ever really affected me before... It's odd, and hard... No appetite, no sleep, walk around all day, the things you're supposed to be doing all in a haze and you can't think of anything else, it's always there in front of, or behind everything, it turns everything else another color, slightly off... Ugg... and all I can do is grunt about it, walk around and grunt because I can't say anything to the one person I can talk to. I never had anyone I could talk to, 1 person in this world I culd cry on but now she's the only one I can't and I have nowhere else to turn. The only reason I see behind any of this is I that I deserve it, for doing it to Tiana, for doing it to Jake... And to top that off I get mad at myself for being such a pussy about the whole thing, for showing her emotions when she doesn't want to see them, when she wants to get fucked, not hold me crying on her shoulder, looking over mine thinking of something many miles away, barely able to play her role as my 1 person, comforting me... And I have no idea what to do... I'm pretty new at this shit... 5 minutes ago I thought I could handle it, decided I'll let it run it's course, now I'm weak again and talking, and every word that comes out makes it worse. I'm supposed to be a bystander, let it happen, be indifferent because she doesn't like guys that like her too much... 5 minutes ago I thought I could be indifferent, 3 minutes ago I thought I could ignore everything, now I'm talking again. She makes plans, tonight will be the third night in the last six she will spend with Sky. She's been with him more than me... bad timing, I say. If you loved me I'd wish you to have fun... But I can't see that you do, you tell me but I don't believe it. If you touched me I would, but now that I've told you, you can't. I feel better now... sorry for the rambling... Anyhow, it means a lot to me what you said towards the end of your letter, that we can not fuck and still have a connection. Sorry to dump all of this on you again, but I need someone to talk to... I'm sure I'll be laughing at myself in a few days from now, if not in a few minutes... I guess I have to go through this kind of shit too... What's the payoff? I better get some fucking sweet prize at the end. (The fear is that I won't). Ok, anyway, onto a good mood now... : ) Sorry for being a downer... I need to go to work, I thing... But I want to go hang with Jake and chat with Sky first. Write me back. And thanks again. Jayson (Comment on this)
Friday, February 2nd, 2001
12:53 pm	Pretty hung over this morning... (2 Comments | Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 31st, 2001
6:01 pm	Made about $900 in about 12 hours the last 2 days... Nice. Money... I have some in my pocket and don't feel too badly about it... So yeah, e-mail with Nath, the ex-wife of my best friend as mentioned in earlier posts. (The ex part isn't because of me...) Interesting memories, and we have this odd connection, very sexual, that still exists to this day. She lives in Holland now, has for about 2 years. We met her like this. There was a place called House. It was my house. It was a "party pad" or such where I lived with my mom and brother. We always had friends over, every night. It was the central hangout spot. It was a nice deal, I didn't need to expend energy to hang out with my friends. That's bad now that I live further away by myself and don't know how to make an effort... Anyway, my mom moved out and left House to me. Friends moved in... and out, and in, and out, and in... It was a pretty special place. We were all gonna get little House tattoos on our wrists. I have one. My friend Mike has one. Everyone else was slightly more lazy. My mom's getting hers when she comes over on Monday. I'm not tattooed white trash, it's a very special thing, a friendship thing. An idealism of mine is to write the History of House. It would be sweet. Anyhow, we met Nath when Jordyn (my brother) brought her home. Trying to bum cigarettes, he met her down at Lucky. I guess they hit it off. She was just arrived from Holland a few months ago. She was 25. He was 16. She hung out a few night with all the boys... Spent the night with Jake eventually (my friend who lived there at the time). He clung, they got married so she could stay in the country, she left the guy she'd been staying with (a rich dealer kid) and moved in. She was wild, Jake wasn't. They didn't really mesh well... whatever. She asked me one day if I wanted to go with her and a friend of mine to Vegas. I thought... I went. The rest is history, and Jake and I are better friends for it. Like I said, they didn't mesh well... She liked other guys, she liked sex, lots of it. He was a virgin. She went to Holland wor a visit and fucked some guy on her layover. Fair enough. She and Jake later moved to Holland. He paid. It didn't work, he came back and thankfully didn't kill himself... Now he's down the street again. I haven't talked to him for a little while. I'm a lazy fucker. She stayed in Holland by the way. We all saw her on Euro 99 trip last summer, my second. It wasn't as exciting as the first. Our chemistry kicked in, but I was smart this time. Hooray. Anyhow, there's the story. She's cool, just a bit wild for some people. One day I will have to write the history of House.. You'll like it.. It's interesting. So I'm talking to her again. It's nice. This chemistry we have, I like it a lot... I wish it happened more often; it's odd the people it happens between though, I imagine. Blah... I just got a comment, I'll be right back... (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 28th, 2001
3:49 pm	So I didn't get very far... I saw three cops in a few minutes and turned around. The car I'm driving isn't registered, and not legally insured because it's Kim's. I recently got my license back for the first time in years; everything cost me around $1200, I evengot insurance too, but it excludes the people I live with, which is actually person, which is Kim... So I didn't want to risk it, I've had enough of that bullshit, a fine raquet (no pun intended... shit...) Anyway, I just wanted lots of good free food anyway... anyway... So I find myself back here... I drove around for a little bit looking for that girl, before and after the aborted attempt at the party; no luck, but one similar, was it her? I should have asked her her name or where she lived, or how old she was (she was young (I've had enough of young girls...)). Just to know... Sometimes they make it onto the list of girls that killed me... (Kim will not be happy when she reads this... Sorry). So, as I said before, here I am in front of my computer again. I walked in my room and looked at my bookshelf, very closely, and was sad. Here I am again and none the better for it... (4 Comments | Comment on this)
3:43 pm	I got off the phone with Kim today... She is at work right now. She cannot be pleased. Something no one will say: The only thing we can really always have in a girl is their beauty. Nothing else matters. It's true... Their personality can only destroy that... and even now I wonder if that is true. So I got off the phone and sat there on the couch, and it was very bright in the room with the blinds open, which I like, and it was warm enough. (It was cold outside though). And I lost my equilibrium. It happens sometimes, and I never wondered 'til now if it was actually caused by something. Has that ever happened to you, where your vision shakes back and forth, and you just let it, kind of like spinning when you're too drunk, only you're not scared of puking... That happened and I left to leave for Dave's superbowl party; I would appear drunk to any cop, I thought... and I was driving, and still spinning, and I came to a stop sign and almost pulled through barely seeing someone starting to cross to my right (I was turning right...) And they stepped in front of my car. I was stopped. A girl, jesus, she was gorgeous... Haha, and I was spinning, and she was scared I might hit her at first, but I stopped and they walked, and I probably didn't have a pleasant look on my face (I was angry), and they walked, she looked straight ahead but then as she passed she looked at me again, intentionally. She was beautiful, and I thought to myself, it's sad, that's all they really have; beauty. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 18th, 2001
12:05 am	I did absolutely nothing today. I didn't even work. Why am I working? What a disgusting life. And we wonder how we got here... "I don't know what else to do?" Anything deviating from my habits requires inhuman effort. He found out he was a normal person... (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 14th, 2001
9:39 pm	I like hoodies... I like being hidden away... Out of sight, out of mind; I feel safe. I feel strong. I just got a new computer, but my DSL isn't working. I am upset. This is the most effort I've used on anything in a long time... bastards, fix my DSL. I used to do this thing with my friend Steve; homework assignments. It was pretty simple. We would give the other person an assignment; something they HAD to do, no questions asked... whatever we wanted... The idea was to break someone of a fear, to get them (ourselves) to do something interesting, new, unique. It was a good idea. Mine for Steve was to go down on the girl he was seeing at the time. He never had before and was scared that he couldn't perform; he didn't know where everything was. That's understandable. So I showed him. And I said, you have to do this, this is your homework assignment. He didn't want to, but he had to. And he did. It was nothing too exciting. I can't remember what he told me to do. I'm not sure he told me to do anything. Well the idea was to do this every day. I did one with the girl I was seeing back then (who I now live with. Her name is Kim. She is good.) Her assignment for me was to leave my house with only $5 and not return for at least 24 hours. That was a brilliant one. But I blew it... I should have just cruised around, but I got it in my head that I would walk to see her at her house in Claremont. I lived in Costa Mesa. After 10 hours of walking with 30 minutes rest I found myself on a bus bench in Diamond Bar at 1 AM. I rested for exactly 20 minutes. I stood up. I tried to walk. I couldn't bend my legs... It was kind of wierd, and scary... It took me 5 minutes to walk to a pay phone straight legged 2 feet away. I wasn't going to make it by 6 AM when she left for school, and it was too cold to sleep. I didn't make it. I shouldn't have tried. I missed out on a lot of interesting things that might have happened elsewhere. But I got to spend a few minutes in a hotel room with her the next day recuperating. We hadmany good times in hotels, just laying together... she puked on me once. It was funny... That's the only way we could see each other back then. She was 17. She couldn't get out; her parents didn't like me back then. I used to sneak into her bedroom when they were home too... Haha. Good stuff. But enough for now. Anyway, asignments... yeah, that's what I need again; some new habits, new life... What do you think? Hers for that night was to bring herself to orgasm. She couldn't do it. She had never masturbated before and wasn't into it. Whatever works... She tried. Like Steve we were supposed to do one a day, or at least every other day. We only did that one day. Perhaps we should start again. You lose a lot of the magic when you have to pay bills together, know what I mean? So you out there, give me an assignment. I'll tell you all about it. (1 Comment | Comment on this)
Thursday, December 28th, 2000
2:40 am	I really hate being overly interested in other people's actions simply because they are attractive... What are we missing? Base... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2000
11:03 pm	Fun Facts 3 He's still my best friend! (Comment on this)
11:03 pm	Fun Facts 2 One of them was my best friends wife! (Comment on this)
11:02 pm	Fun Facts 1 I've had sex with 3 strippers! (Comment on this)
11:02 pm	Backwards Something neat happened, but it's one of those things you can't just hop on here and write about... Like thoreau said, too busy experienceing it to write about it... and his journal is 10+ volumes... Sometimes I liken my life to a computer rpg... but the difference is I never make the decisions in life that I would in the game, if my life were the game and I could watch it in a little box in front of me... in the game you're the hero and all of your heroic decisions are no-brainers. If I watched my life as a game like this, I'd never pick the heroic paths... But occasionally I pick one, and the difference is rididculous. It gives you hope, and power, and... blah... good stuff. But anyway... I love where I live. Huntington Beach is fantastic. I got pulled over on the way home... when he got behind me, I knew it was going to happen. I've been driving on a suspended license for about 2 years, and for 1.5 years a couple months before that. I got the original suspensions for court no-shows after fix-it tickets... pretty stupid. I guess I'm lazy. It is taxing though, driving for 3 years with no license... I'm adept at avoiding police (this was unavoidable... and this is driving a piece of shit car, and I look Mexican, which doesn't help (especially in Mission Viejo, where I used to live)). Anyway... this was going somewhere but now I'm bored with it... I bro'd out with the cop and he said I could get the car back in 30 days, and he let me go with all of my stuff, even though I have a warrant... So I had to walk home and while I was hanging around downtown I saw the guy at a coffee shop, so I went up and talked to him and he cancelled the 30 day hold. Aww... how nice. It made me happy. It gave me hope. And I hate(d) cops... (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 21st, 2000
10:35 pm	Put a fork in it... 1.5 years almost. You couldn't imagine; I don't even remember what it was like, I vaguely remember it was amazing... Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: none (2 Comments | Comment on this)
12:41 am	Christ, I can already tell I'm gonna be psycho with this thing... At least with real journals/writing you have the choice of going back and reading what you've written; it all stays on the last page folded over, hidden away for a long time. With all of my multiple personalities and what not I'm gonna be thinking I'm a complete ass most of the time... oh well. Narrative: playoffs tonight (roller hockey). Elite in Anaheim, pros and shit (end bragging). Won our first one, got spanked in the final. Played good. End. I still smell like hockey. If you play, you know... I've been playing with these same guys for about 8 years, basically grown up with them. We're all nearly the best in a little niche sport that gets no attention or respect. It's too bad, it's glorious. It's an amazing game and a major creative outlet, believe it or not. I've been playing about 9 years, seeing these guys every week but we never hang out. It's too bad. I need to organize some big party or something. It's like having 50 really good friends that you don't really know. Actually, now that I think about it all of my friend but 2 I know from hockey. It's sweet though; we're all not nearly the same... good stuff. But alas, we're losing them one by one to weed and beer. Not that I'm opposed, but I'd still rather play hockey than do most anything... And there's nothing I could say here to make you appreciate it... Good mood, emotion, shallow, happy. Maybe we'll get some of the other stuff soon... (I feel so inclined to fit in with the "deep" people here... I have a bumper sticker that says "So Fucking Deep". I never used bumper stickers before this one...) But I'm enjoying myself... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 20th, 2000
8:13 pm	"There, it's done, what do you think..." So I'm technically a "computer graphic artist" yet I can't get a picture of myself on this thing... All in due time I suppose. Instead, for now, you get a picture of Clinton as dictator. It was going to be Dee from Twisted Sister (I have a limited selection of corny photos on my hard drive), but apparently you can't change file size in Microsoft paint. I guess that means I'll have to get off my lazy ass... Odd this first day I'm in a good mood, so I won't fit in with all of those people I admire so much on here; no poetry or lamenting yet... It does get old after a while, especially cycling through random people, all the woe is me... woe is everyone, it just upsets me to see so many in one little confined space; I can't give them all the attention they deserve. I'd be in love with and give myself completely to everyone I met on the street if I had time for it... oh well. Perhaps one day... So here's my test before I go to play some hockey... I'll see that this really exist "out there" and that people like me might read it and perhaps become inspired to make something of it and more... inspiration is hard to come by; you have to make it yourself, for yourself, I think, and they call that work. Never was very good at that... Or maybe I decided I was through being solely a voyeur and it is time to make my self available to the others in recompense... Whatever... time to go see if this works and what else I can do... Cheers... PS... Oh, sure, now they tell me this is the simple page, "for more options click here..." Nice. Well my music is nothing, and my mood is excited. So there. See you after the game... (Comment on this)