Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in no words for what i want to say's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, April 13th, 2002
2:44 pm	take it off with razors so it never comes back and then we can pretend its natural. Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art. Thou my best thought, by day or by night, waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise, Thou my inheritance, now and always. Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art. High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Pedro the Lion- I've got my eye on the finish line (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 9th, 2002
4:55 pm	I've got my eye on the finish line I am so confused right now. My mom told me today that is i go back to Ill and go to Rock Valley College that they will pay for a year. something with getting income taxes back. I want to stay here but I dont think I can. I shouldnt have made my schedule with Laura already because that just got me thinking that I am going here next year, when I may not. Why does it have to be so easy for somepeople and crap for me. I just want to go to college and start a life. I dont care about haveing a good job for the money I just want for my family to have it easier than I did. Current Mood: confused Current Music: My roomate watching Love and Basketball (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
4:53 pm	Sing me to sleep WHy does it always rain on me? I am so sad. sometimes i hate my life. I have been hurt so many times in my life. Why would God allow all these things to happen. I thought God would want me to be happy. I feel so small, so insignifivant, so unimportant. I hate it I hate it, I hate it. I am glad that my roomate is watching pearl harbor. so then she wont ask me why I am sobbing. I just wonder why. why why. i just dont understand. whoops I borrowed my roomates lip gloss and forgot to put it back now she is looking for it. anyway. back to me. God knows how much my life has sucked, and what i have been put through in the past. the lies and secrets kept from me( that they dont know i know) I just dont know why God would keep throwing this stuff at me. Like He doesnt care about me getting hurt. I know he does but I dont know what i have done that he would keep throwing this stuff at me. My heart hurts (Comment on this)
12:57 pm	To think that a man as famous as you are could love a poor little nothing like me. Life is weird. My high school best freind just got engaged this morning to a guy named ryan. She and Dj just broke up in the fall. odd. I want to get married. I have had 2 kind-of boyfriends. but they didnt really mean anything. I guess Jeff squad better introduce himself soon. I have a 15 page paper due the 18th and a 3 page paper due tomorrow and a 1/2 page paper due soon. ugh. I got a pagage from my grand parents today. yay. for my birthday. It was a butterfly blanket and a little stuffed bunny, and 10 bucks. I love them, I hope they dont die anytime soon. not that they will but they are old. We are starting Cube-ism/abstraction today. Accually in 8 minutes. i better get to class. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
3:24 pm	just back up off it man!! At the Ramada party, Brown eyed girl was blaring through the speakers. Inebriated Nitten sings to Lissa ?You my blue eyed girl? then she said, ?Erin has blue eyes too? so he puts his arm around me and sang ?You my blue eyed girl? then I said, ?Daniel has blue eyes too? so he puts his arm around my brother and sang. ?You my blue eyed girl.? His breath smelled like intoxicatedness. It was great. Today I get up at 3:30 am and go to Ramada to get the Rockford-Ohare bus. 5:30 am I get to Ohare. My flight was at 7:15. At 8:45 I was still sitting in the airport. Finnally when we get into the plane we had to sit in line. We were sixteenth in line. when we get first in line to take off Ohare switched the runway. After sitting there for about 2 1/2 hours we leave. I get to buff at 12:15. then on the way back we picked up a stranded on whatever highway we were on. now i am sleepy. it is good to be back at school. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 31st, 2002
3:43 pm	He is risen!! On Friday I got a birthay present from Larry! I enjoyed getting that. On Saturday I Went to Don and Darcey's house and had lunch with Darcey and Claire. There is something wrong with Claire. It made me sad. She kept saying she was fine but Darcey and I noticed that she was different. Then I went to Dairy Queen with Don(for my birthday) He is the coolest 45 year old I know. I have decided that I am going to marry a guy like him. Darcey is very blessed. Well Don is too. Last night I went to the mall because I wanted Shrimp fried rice. to my dismay I found out they closed. SO I went all the way to State. I also wanted to buy a kite last night but i couldn't find any pretty ones. Tday I went to the "Son" Rise service. Freeking 7:00 am. I enjoyed it though. I didnt have to go. I talked quite a bit with Jake, Dan, and Dave, they are all sophmores in college, ummm except Dan who is a senior in col. Jakes hair was in dreds. I liked it very much! He is all of a sudden good looking. At the regular service I sang in the Halleluia chorus. Pastor Dave kept making my laugh and me and Kristen Stevens almost knocked over a 10 foot pillar. It was wobbling for a few second i though it was going down. It was great! I am at my sisters apt. My mom and her are playing ladybug domino's. thats right a 49 and 24 year old playing domino's. Whatever floats their boat. I should talk I had an easter egg hunt all by my self. Lissa hit eggs around her living room and I got them all! hoorah. I made my brother smile today. I threw a hard boiled egg at him in the parking lot of Thunderbay Grill. He likes when I am a smart @$$. Well I cant wait to get back to school. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 29th, 2002
12:32 pm	I love Jesus Today about 2000 years ago Jesus christ was beaten, whipped, flogged, cursed, spit on, humiliated, and hung on a cross to die. He was whipped with a 'cat of 9 tails' which is a whip with 9 leather straps with bone and glass on the ends of them. During a flogging the skinn was stripped from the back exposing a bloody mass of muscle and bone. the Roman soldiers put a crown of thorns on his head gave him a staff bowed to him in mockery shouting "hail king of the jews!" and spit on him and beat him with the staff the gave him. they continued to beat him on the head drinving the crown of thorns to dig deaper into his scalp. He was forced to walk to the execution site. aprox. 650 yrads. He carried a cross bar that weighed 80-100lbs. Nails about 7 inches long were driven into his wrists. When the cross was erected there was tremendous strain on his wrists and arms resulting in dislocation of the shoulders and elbow joints. With the arms being outstreatched as they were the rib cage was in a fixed possition that made it difficult to breath only alowing Him to take in short breaths. He would of had to push up on his feet rubbing his torn back up and down on the cross. Jesus did these things so that we could be forgiven of our sins even though we do not deserve to be forgiven. My sin yells crucify louder than the mob that day. Jesus died for you would you live for Him? In 3 days He will rise again!And the people will rejoice in our Saviour! Last night i got a message form my best freind on my answering machine wishing me a happy birthday. That was the best present that i got. Yesterday I went downtown Rockford to some thrift shops. One of my favorites, Catherines Thrifty Boutique, is right across the street from the Crusader Clinic(an abortion clinic). I see people come and go from there like it is nothing. there is sometimes "doctors"(i hate calling them that because doctors save lives) standing out back smoking cigarettes. later in the day i asked my mom what they did with the dead baby bodies. she said they are saposed to cremate them but alot of places don't. she said protestors have gone into the dumpsters and found bags of mutilated babies. She said that there has been cases where dogs have gotten into the dumpters, I think i will stop there. It is so sad how life can be treated like it is nothing. i ate crab today and threw the shells in to garbage. to think that human bodies are treated the same as crab remains. (I know awkward analogy) It is the same type of thing. How can people be so blind. The crab legs were very tasty though. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 28th, 2002
10:50 am	Forest why are you so good to me? 'Cause your my girl. Happy birthday to me! Today is really no different then any other day. when i was little I always had huge parties with all the little neiborhood girls. we made princess hats out of paper plates (the joys of being poor) and my mom would make me a cake usually shaped as a bunny rabbit or a teddy bear. I would open my millions of gifts and play with them and not share with anyone because they were my gifts. my uncle Russ would spank me depending on how old i was. and my grandma would tweek my butt cheeks and call my her little panda bear. Today I am sitting at home, later i will go shopping for my cousin Erika's birthday presents( her birthday is on sunday)I might stop by ramada, I might see matthew, I might stop by the church, or i might not do any of those things. Sometimes i wish i was a kid again. I bought Colleen a present yesterday!!! For no reason just that i love her. I think she will like it! Current Mood: crushed Current Music: my dog licking his feet (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 25th, 2002
6:44 pm	I appreciate your poetry and beauty I am going to ask Matthew to go to church with me on sunday. Pray for him. He is heavily bound. He sometimes goes to First Assembly of God, but not regularly. and it doesnt seem to do anything. so I will invite him to a church with different docterine. Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. Dear God make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here. God didn't answer Jenny's prayer that day but he did send the police over and they said she could live with her grandmother. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
5:57 pm	gonna make you dance boredom over takes the innocent ones. hmmmmmm. See Dan Lowe in Room 158 for computer or printer problems. 10 things i hate about you... 1 i hate you 2 you smell 3 the girl sitting next to me keeps coughing (i better not die) 4 i am bored 5 5 5 5 6 7ytuuhg jhb jhlk ............. ldslkjh lkjhlkjh .................gjhgh.........................dsg h.....................df....................g............... ...................................., ...................... ........................................blink............... ....inhale............exhale.............blink.............. ......inhale...........exhale..............blink............ ........inhale....cough.....exhale............blink......... .......heart.beat......blink......heart.beat..........inhale ......heart.beat........cough.....heart.beat.....click.click .......blink......................heart.beat.......inhale... ......heart.beat.....blink........clink.click.....heart.beat ......exhale........cough....blink.....welcome.to.rockvalley .......college....heart.beat........cough.........inhale.... ........blink........knuckles.......crack.crack.......exhale ..........heart.beat.........blink...cough...........welcome ........crack.crack......heart.beat.inhale..........blink... ..........welcome.........cough.......exhale.....crack.crack .......high.heeled.....shoes....poc.poc....blink....inhale.. .........cough..............welcome.....crack.crack....... heart.beat.........cough.........poc.poc........blink....... ..exhale........blink......inhale....blink....exale........ heart.beat....heart.beat....heart.beat............heart.beat ......................heart.beat............................ heart.beat................................................. ..........heart.beat.\...............................heart. beat..\/\........................... heart.beat\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ rug.this.boredom Current Mood: bored Current Music: high healed shoes poc poc poc poc poc poc (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 24th, 2002
12:45 pm	So I went to Ramada yesterday and got my job back...saw Alison and cathleen and gay billy there. I love Alison, her emo haircut grew out, i didnt even recognize her. She is soo pretty(well she was before too). I found out that seth left the marines. he graduated 1st in his platoon he had 3 more years to go but being the idiot that he is convinced them that he has mental problems. so he was clinically diagnosed as 'insane' and they let him go. "not fit to use fire arm and 'dishonorably let go'" cathleen said. She said he left because of that "F-#*&^%$ Pu$$^ in Pecatonica. I love cathleen she is so funny, she is seths step mom. He said that he wants to get into the art institute in chicago. She said he is F-ing crazy if he thinks that he will be able to. that f-er is going to have to get an f-ing job and an house his dad and i arent going to let him live with us and my son wont let him stay there and he wont live with the drunk in Pec(his mom). she cracks me up. My mom told me i am pretty today. the brighteyes chicago show is sold out. rug you chicago. Current Mood: amused Current Music: pedro the lion- the longest winter (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 23rd, 2002
9:32 am	moses is hot I wathced the Prince of Egypt aat colleens house and moses is hot! even after her grew his beard and longer hair. I would marry him. 3 nightas ago there was a bad snow storm and a lady slid off the road and her car was on fire, some guy drove over to her through 6 lanes of traffic pulled her out and asked her if she was ok. when she said she was ok he drove off and left. no one knows who he was or whetre he came from. I think he is an angel. the same thing happed to my freind pete and his then girlfriend. he rolled his truck down a hill and a guy showed up and gave them blankets and hot chocolate and prayed with them. but when the emergency vehicles came he left with no foot prints in the snow and nobdy knows who he was or where he came from. I think we are always surrounded by angels. Current Mood: awake Current Music: american football- never ment (Comment on this)
Friday, March 22nd, 2002
4:07 pm	mmmmm the sweet sound of squad five-o So i am home the flight was delayed for 2 hours but i wathced the emporers new groove on my laptop. guess who got the new SQUAD FIVE -O cd. Me. i am surprsied they sell it at the campus store ther is a song called 'make you dance' Current Mood: content Current Music: what do you think i am listening to (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 21st, 2002
11:44 am	this is colleen testing comments. they work erin. Original flavor Wheat Thins INGREDIENTS enriched flour, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, defatted wheat germ, sugar, cornstarch, high fructose corn syrup, salt, corn syrup, slat syrup, leavening, vegetable colors, pink poptarts, malted barley flour. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: vast : somewhere else to be (3 Comments |Comment on this)
8:34 am	A line allows progress, a circle does not. I just took a western civ test. I think I failed...well the essay part anyway. Western Civ is homo. Being an art major i shouldnt have to take it. I should just have to take the art history classes is art renesaunce and what not. I like bib lit though. I think it all depends on the teacher. Neese is boring. I cut my hair yeaterday by my self. I dont really like it but everyone else said they really do. Colleen was the first to notice, that is what best friends are for. I think i might chop it all off like it was last year. nah. My roomate is swearing at her laptop. I am stuck in a soap opera. I have to do luandry before I go home today. And i have to go to the pottery studio and do some bowls. (throw them i mean) Current Mood: busy Current Music: Ben Kweller-lizzy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
11:31 am	Take the Radiohead Collective Member Test. (Comment on this)
9:33 am	Home sweet home...? I am going home on friday thanks to John Wood. God Bless him. I am not really exited to go home though. I am accually dreading it. Sure I want to see some of my friends but for the most part I dont really want to. I always seem to leave Illinois emotionally exausted. I'm sure it'll be weird with Daniel going to the airforce. I want to spend as much time with him before he leaves but I think he doesn't feel the same. I still dont want him to go. . People say oh he'll do fine, it'll be good for him. but most people don't know him like I do. I really dont think it'll be good for him Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Training for Utopia- Baby (Comment on this)
Monday, March 18th, 2002
5:05 pm	New York, New York This weekend we went to The Met. the MOMA (museum of modern art) Central Park, the Rockefeller Center.We saw the light columns from ground zero. Beth and I had our first authentic New York City hot dog, and we saw a real authentic New York City rat, its eyes glowed green in the dark...it was great. Current Mood: blah Current Music: STIX (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
4:22 pm	blckoutcurtn (8:10:16 PM): i sing in a goth band blckoutcurtn (8:10:19 PM): not really gomer shell (8:10:21 PM): yeah? gomer shell (8:10:32 PM): are you angry and bitter a lot on stage? blckoutcurtn (8:10:40 PM): yes and i paint myself white and wear all black gomer shell (8:11:18 PM): do you moan and stroke the mic and stare menacingly out into the crowd blckoutcurtn (8:11:45 PM): yes and i sing operatic notes that mezmorize the audience gomer shell (8:11:59 PM): do you make sweeping generalizations about the rest of the world and the system and all those other bastardizers blckoutcurtn (8:12:19 PM): yes....kill...kill the bastardizers gomer shell (8:12:23 PM): and the jocks and preps! oh, man, do you hate jocks and preps blckoutcurtn (8:12:35 PM): boy do i...no not really gomer shell (8:12:56 PM): no? then you must be one of them! kill her blckoutcurtn (8:12:51 PM): i am a happy goth blckoutcurtn (8:13:12 PM): that wears pink and prances around in feilds of daisy's with a crown of lilacs gomer shell (8:13:32 PM): oh, I'm more of a mellow goth gomer shell (8:13:48 PM): I sit on a sofas on rooftops and play guitar gomer shell (8:13:59 PM): and smoke cigars with my friends blckoutcurtn (8:14:00 PM): i believe that is called emo gomer shell (8:14:16 PM): oh really? cool! now I wanna be emo blckoutcurtn (8:14:18 PM): i rather go for bubble pipes gomer shell (8:14:45 PM): bubble pipes? sure, and I'll smoke those candy ciggarettes gomer shell (8:15:08 PM): have you seen those? blckoutcurtn (8:15:08 PM): and ill shoot up with melted sugar Current Mood: amused Current Music: Project 86 featuring Sup the Chemist (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
10:55 am	HAPPY SQUAD FIVE-O DAY!!! Lets get away from here, sometimes i just want to run away. and follow are dreams out of this town and outof this place. come on honey come on lets go. it's you and me on the open road north to the future on the stereo roll down you window, turn up the radio. Out there in the distance tomorrow calls our name. yesterday cant find us when we're up around the bend run away with me, baby dont look back and we'll never go back again, baby don't look back I'll steer into the wind, you'll pull the hair back from my face. and i find that all i've ever needed here in your embrace hold me baby, hold me tight hold me close in your arms tonight we can leave this world behind so far behind And when your talkin in your sleep dreams of yesterday silhoette what used to be just dream of me how ever far away and hold me in your heart whenever your afraid The headlights lead the way across these asphalt covered dreams as the sun begins to rise out of the east another mile passes by, another problem left behind and we've got something they cant deny another mile and our destiny Out there in the distance, still tomorrow calls our name yesterday cant find us when we're up around the bend Don't look back. no baby, don't look back Current Mood: excited Current Music: Squad Five-O (Comment on this)