We have a misleader named George.
On power and lies he does gorge.
Sneers and smirks way too much.
Tries to fake common touch.
Soon we'll Dub and Dick Cheney disgorge.
Ever since my Bush birthday haiku experiment, I've wanted to play some more with that much-harder-than-it-looks 17 syllable form. If it works out, I'll probably make News Haiku a regular feature:
I was thinking about doing a song parody to spoof Bush's I'm a war president, I'm a peace president nonsense. But then I realized I already did it back in November 2003. Here's just a bit of my The Spinning Song to be sung to Spinning Wheel:
Soldiers are dyin' just for Bush.
Spinners lie. Truth is hushed.
Stop all our troubles at the votin' polls.
Time to take George Dubya off the government dole.
War is peace. Peace is war.
Pow'r and oil, that's what it's for.
Cov'rin' up Bush fumbles takes a lot of spin.
White House packed with phonies causin' death as Bush grins.
And speaking of the law, I've just added the new and very promising Lawyer News to my Regular Reads Blog Roll. It features daily legal news updates and info about lawyers, law firms, law schools, and the practice of law and is "dedicated to connecting lawyers with information about the business of being a lawyer, and consumers with information about the practice of law."
July 14, 2004 (Ode To John Edwards a/k/a The Trial Lawyers Song)
I've figured out why Republicans refused to condemn Dick Cheney's four-letter word Senate outburst. It's because Republicans view Democrats as so evil, that anything goes. Especially those Democrats who are liberal and/or trial lawyers, both of which condemnations must be said with curled lip and a disapproving hiss.
Note, however, that trial lawyers are perfectly fine and upstanding individuals, if they happen to be Republicans seeking a Senate seat, like Mel Martinez. Which brings me to my latest song parody, "Ode To John Edwards" a/k/a "The Trial Lawyers Song." I hope you enjoy singing it to "Moon River," by Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer, using this midi link.
Ode To John Edwards (The Trial Lawyers Song) By Madeleine Begun Kane
Trial lawyers
Go that extra mile,
To see that all those vile
Guys pay.
They're risk takers
And rain makers.
They're able and knowing.
Wrongdoers they slay.
Corp grifters
Ripping off the poor.
They always want some more
For free.
But Edwards and like-minded men
Fight hard to rip-offs end,
And warning message send,
To stop corp'rate greed.
Rove lackeys
Go that extra mile
To Edwards' rep defile
Each day.
They're base fakers,
Tall tale makers.
They put down trial lawyers
Unless GOP.
Martinez,
Rove's trial lawyer pick,
For Florida's Sen tick,
You see.
Hypocrisy taints Rove attacks.
Can't beat our Johns with facts.
Rove's shameless lying hacks
We soon will defeat.
UPDATE:The evil and infamous Ayn Clouter, that nemesis of all things good, who attacks so many of my posts she should be designated a blog stalker, has maligned me once again. How dare she parody my song parody with her own anti-Edwards anti-trial lawyers song parody! If Ayn Clouter's compulsive need to attack me weren't so pathetic and sad, I'd sue what's left of her.
Well, yesterday was the big day! No, I'm not talking about Kerry's "Edwards is my running mate, even though he's much cuter and more charming than I am, damn him" announcement.
Happy birthday, Dub.
The Presidency, you flubbed.
Back to Crawford, bub!
And yes, I know that, technically, haiku isn't supposed to rhyme. But you don't expect me to let a little thing like a poetry rule stand in my way, do you? Okay, just to prove I too can be obedient on occasion (but please don't tell hubby Mark), here's my non-winning entry:
"Let freedom reign," George?
We know that you meant "wane," George.
You are freedom's bane.
Last week, when Dick Cheney inspired me to write him my Ode to the F-Word poem, I never expected to revisit the topic. But then I started noticing a new trend among lefty bloggers: verbing Cheney and turning his name into a delightful new curse word. So I couldn't resist writing yet another poem, which I hereby dedicate to the "Dump Bush/Expletive Deleted" campaign:
Cheney 'Em All! By Madeleine Begun Kane
The "F word" and the "C word" and the "S word" and the rest
Must make some room for "Cheney."
As a curse word, it's the best.
Instead of saying "f**k you," just say "Cheney you" next time.
You'll like it, I assure you.
As a curse word, it's sublime.
And when perchance you want to tell some bastard where he stands,
Explain that he has "Cheney'd up,"
If "f**ked up" seems too bland.
An alleged writer, whose reading skills clearly rival George Dubya's,
published a post that implies I'm anti-poor. Now I don't know whether to be P-O'd or amused, because any literate person who spends even two minutes reading my blog, knows that I'm a devout liberal who's spent the last three-plus years satirizing Bush and his cronies.
Ms. Writer linked to my obviously anti-Bush Rename the Food Stamps Program Contest, cited a contest entry which offended her tender sensibilities, and didn't even inform her readers that it was a comment authored by somebody else and listed among a slew of satirical anti-Bush contest entries. Here's her post:
//bitter// Make fun of poor people, ha ha ha. "Lard Cards," nice. Back when we got "food stamps" in 1993 in New Mexico, we just called it the EBT card -- more convenient, less likely to get traded/bought/stolen, a lot less paperwork, less shame for the, uh, POOR people because it looks like a debit card -- what's not to like? But poor people ("trailer trash") are always funny, I keep forgetting that. //bitter// But in terms of actual language use, I'll bet they get colloquially called something like "food stamp cards."
June 28, 2004 (And The Winner Is -- Results of the Rename the Food Stamps Program Contest)
Dear President Bush:
Last week, the New York Times reported that you were renaming the Food Stamps Program and soliciting name suggestions from the general public.
I didn't believe the story at first, figuring it was yet another example of media rumormongering. But when I found out it was true, I felt duty-bound to help. After all, I know how busy you must be, what with PlameGate, TortureGate, HalliburtonGate, and the rotten economy you inherited from Bill Clinton.
So I sponsored a contest which yielded nearly 200 creative suggestions from well over 100 people, submitted via comments, message board, and email.
Here's the Winners' List, which you are free to use as you see fit, provided you comply with Trademark Law, Copyright Law, Contract Law, and any other law those pesky trial lawyers may come up with:
The "Ronald Reagan Supplemental User Card Kiosk System" - or simply "Reagan SUCKS" program. The cards can soon be known as "Ron Cards" or simply "Reagans", as America's poor and hungry think about our greatest President (after Van Buren, Harding and McKinley) when they go to the supermarket. (TheTalkingDog)
Needless to say, I couldn't resist the challenge, and the new name I've come up with is "Leave No Stomach Behind."
But I think it's important to give Dubya a wide selection of creative names. So, as a public service, I challenge my readers to come up with some good names and post them in my comments. If I get suggestions from ten or more people, I'll even award a prize -- $10 in PayPal cash.
UPDATE: Thanks for the many creative contest entries, and please keep them coming. I'll continue to accept entries throughout the weekend and I'll post the contest results Monday afternoon.
The Bush administration has been forced to issue a terror report do-over with spanking new numbers showing a rise in terror. Of course, the no longer operative numbers were merely errors that "crept in," with no political motivation whatsoever. Uh-huh. Just like all those other error-laden reports about racial disparities in health care, Medicare prescription drug bill estimates, and the EPA's proposed mercury emissions rules had absolutely nothing to do with ideology and were innocent mistakes. Sorry, but I'm not buying. Here's the real Bush policy on number fudging:
Number Fudging A La Bush By Madeleine Begun Kane
We've won the anti-terror fight,
As you can plainly see.
For numbers never lie unless
We change them sneakily.
And speaking of lawyers, from time to time people ask me why I walked away from practicing law. So I decided to post a piece I wrote 10 years ago on that very subject. Diary of a Bashed Attorney, which was first published in Pacific Magazine and Funny Times, begins:
March 5, 1993
Why did I go to law school? Work is unbearable, I have no free time, and I'm expected to "make rain" at parties. To somehow extract legal fees from revelers who sidle up, drinks in one hand, hors d'oeuvres in the other, looking for free advice. My reward? Lawyer jokes:
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?
Answer: You don't know, either?
I can't believe I fell for that one.
March 22
I wonder if killing the managing partner would be justifiable homicide. He actually asked me why I'm not billing clients for time I spend in the john. And he meant it. So I said "You're right. I always think about clients while relieving myself. In fact, I find the process quite stimulating."
The legal-hotshot, who apparently slept through Sarcasm 101, said "Good. I'll expect to find it reflected on your bills." Then he told me if I don't become more productive, I'll never make partner. Of course, what he really meant was more "creative."
I wonder what weapon I should use.
April 16
W.... doesn't want to pay his bill. He asked me how a simple will could cost $6,500. I was tempted to tell him nothing costs less than $6,500 after it's been drafted by a paralegal and reviewed by three attorneys. Particularly, when one of the lawyers -- me -- knows nothing about wills, having been loaned out by Acquisitions...
Am I being petty? Am I overreacting? I don't think so, but here's the deal:
In addition to my Regular Reads Blog Roll, my site has a large categorized links section which I call MadPicks. And from time to time, I get emails from sites that fit into one of the MadPicks categories, asking me to exchange links. So it was with a Gandhi-centric site which emailed me on April 9 to propose a link exchange. (I won't link to them or even name them, for reasons that will become apparent.)
I was impressed with the site, so I agreed to the exchange, posted their link and site description on the appropriate page, and gave them a temporary extra link in my new links section.
When I notified the Gandhi site contact person that their links were posted, I got a response saying that another site took care of their links, and that he'd forward my info.
Anyway, to make a long story short I waited patiently, but my link never appeared. And when I wrote a follow-up note to the person who initiated our alleged link exchange, politely asking about my linkless state, this was his response:
The decision whether your website is getting listed or not is entirely with www.betterworldlinks.org. Please respect their criteria, attitude and decision.
Now I know that a single link is unimportant in the scheme of things. But this obnoxious treatment by the Gandhi guy got me roiled enough to dump the Gandhi site links and send this email:
Let me get this straight. You approach me for a link exchange, and when I agree and link to you, you tell me a different site will be handling your part of the bargain. And when they don't, you tell me I should "respect their criteria, attitude and decision."
I suggest that you stop making offers that you have no intention of fulfilling. I'll be removing your link. Thanks so much for wasting my time.
I guess that wasn't very Gandhi-like of me, but I feel much better now.
I'm looking forward to your comments. And yes, I do finally have Haloscan comments, thanks to some generous and patient help from the savvy and witty Steve Bates.
Sorry for my lack of posts. I've been traveling and was hoping to be able to post updates while I was away. But as you can see, things didn't quite work out that way. And speaking of traveling, have I ever mentioned the travel humor I've written for publications like the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, Philadelphia Inquirer Magazine, The Car Connection, EBusiness, and other pubs? If you're in the mood for some travel laughs, you might enjoy it.
May 6, 2004 ("Unforgivable" Song Parody -- Sing to "Unforgettable")
It's no surprise that Bush's statement on Arab television about the abuse of Iraqi prisoners fell short of an apology. After all, as my good pal Skippy points out, "being president means never having to say you're sorry." Cue my latest song parody, "Unforgivable, to be sung to "Unforgettable," by Irving Gordon. Here's a midi link.
Unforgivable (to be sung to "Unforgettable")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
"I apologize." Bush just won't say,
"I apologize." George Bush? No way!
There's a trail of failures caused by Dub.
He won't say, "I'm sorry." There's the rub.
Never before has someone been more
Unforgivable, in every way.
And forever more, that's how he'll stay.
With his record, it's incredible
That Bush who's un-"I regret"-able,
Thinks that he is God's unbendable tool.
(Long Instrumental Break)
(Time enough to grab a snack or write a check to your favorite candidate)
Unrepentable. Bush just won't say,
That he's ever erred. His course he'll stay.
With his record, it's incredible
That Bush who's un-"I regret"-able,
Thinks that he is God's unbendable tool.
It's time for another edition of Liberal Laughs. But first, I want to recommend something that's both fun and informative: The Deck of Bush: 54 Reasons Not to Re-Elect the Un-Elected Fraud by the creators of the Chickenhawk Cards. I'm a proud owner of both decks, and they're terrific. In fact, while you're reading these Liberal Laughs, I'll busy using them to play a hot game of ... uh ... never mind.
So, what are my thoughts on the subject? As you might expect, I've put them into song. Feel free to sing my "Daily Kos Song" to "Mister Ed," by Ray Evans and Jay Livingston, using this midi link which opens a second window.
Daily Kos Song (to be sung to "Mr. Ed")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Kos was "The Source,"
Of course, of course.
That powerful blog was a force, of course.
That is, of course,
Until the Kos made a
Famous blog misstep.
The right hit the Kos
With mighty force.
They piled on the libel, till they were hoarse.
Retraction mattered not of course.
Costly blog misstep!
Bloggers yakkity-
Yakked a streak
And scared Kos ads away.
Then Kerry yanked
His Kos-bound link,
As right wingers cheered, "Hooray!"
Now the left knows the force
Of blog discourse.
The right wing may rue what they've wrought, of course.
Will they be next with an
Ad divorce?
Well, listen to this:
We'll catch their missteps.
The Flip-Flopper-In-Chief would have us believe that John Kerry's the real flip-flopper. This, from a President who never lets the facts interfere with policy. Which brings me to my latest song parody, Fact-Free Bush. Feel free to sing it to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain," using this midi link which opens a second window.
Fact-Free Bush (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When the facts get in the way you change the facts,
And when facts get in the way, give facts the ax.
When the facts get in the way,
When the facts get in the way,
When the facts get in the way you change the facts.
When Iraq is not as threat'ning as you claimed,
Say you never said it was, play language games.
When Iraq is not as threat'ning,
When Iraq is not as threat'ning,
When Iraq is not as threat'ning as you claimed.
When your job projection numbers are quite wrong,
Blithely claim you never bought them all along.
When your job projection numbers,
When your job projection numbers,
When your job projection numbers are quite wrong.
That was always my position, is your line.
Doesn't matter if you've really changed your mind...
If you're inclined to send an email to the future you, say a decade or two or (if you're very young or very optimistic) five into the future, FutureMe is the place.
Right now I'm glued to the radio listening to The O� Franken Factor on Air America Radio on its New York WLIB - 1190 AM outlet, and I am absolutely loving it. Congratulations to the heroicfair and balanced Al Franken, his outstanding co-host Katherine Lanpher, and the entire Air America Radio team on their long awaited, outstanding launch.
UPDATE: I'm now listening to Rhandi Rhodes, whose show comes on right after The O'Franken Factor. She's brilliant -- entertaining, ascerbic, and well informed. What else could you ask for?
UPDATE 2:Rhandi Rhodes is on fire. She did a phone interview with Ralph Nader which consisted mostly of her berating him for screwing up Election 2000 and trying to do the same thing to Election 2004. Nader didn't know what hit him and, after lots of back and forth yelling, he hung up on her. It was just great!
As you can see from Big Bush Lies' front and back covers, it features twenty original essays by academics, activists, legal experts, financial leaders, and journalists. The essays document Bush lies and inconsistencies about Iraq and WMD's, foreign policy, the environment, energy, health and science, religion, education, women and minority policies, national security, 9/11, campaign lies, and other topics.
I have a soft spot for blogging related humor, as anyone who's read/sung Bloggers' Rhapsody or Weblog Wonderland would know. So you can imagine how much I enjoyed the witty Steve Bates' delightful poem about blog addiction: Blog Doggerel. It's guaranteed to make you laugh, if not send you into therapy.
Hey, Donald Trump, I'll make you a deal. You can have your damn "You're Fired" trademark, but only if you hand deliver a personalized "You're Fired" T-shirt to Bush.
For years I've been flooded with emails challenging the accuracy of MadKane.com. At first I did what most publications do -- I ignored them. But as time went by, I realized that something had to be done. So in keeping with recent trends and in the interest of sound journalism, I've appointed an ombudsman who'd like to be known only as "Bud." Here is Bud's first report:
The poem entitled Dubya's Poetic Injustice states that during George W. Bush's Election 2000 campaign, Bush promised to be a "compassionate conservative" and to have a "humble foreign policy." After this poem was published, we learned that Bush was "crossing his fingers" whenever he made those promises, so "they didn't really count." We regret this error.
According to a State of Disunion crossword puzzle clue, President Bush believes that raising twins is even harder than waging war. While Bush did in fact make that statement, he has since changed his mind and now acknowledges that waging war is "an itsy-bitsy bit harder than raising twins." We are sorry for failing to keep up to date on this issue.
In Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song the lyricist itemizes several things as not being George W. Bush's fault, including the jobless rate, 9/11, the mission accomplished banner, and the lack of WMD's. We have since learned that many more things weren't the President's fault and we regret our lack of comprehensiveness.
It has come to our attention that the author of Dubya's Dayly Diary may possibly be an impostor. Further reports will be forthcoming as our investigation develops.
According to an email from Karl Rove to Ralph Nader urging Nader to run for President (published in a column called Ralph & Rove), Mr. Rove referred to President Bush as "Texas Souffle." As far as we can determine, Rove has never called Bush "Texas Souffle," although he says it sounds "delicious." Additionally, Mr. Rove claims that he did not actually send this email. Rove admits, however, that on hearing the Ralph Nader run announcement, he did several celebratory sommersaults.
A song entitled Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure repeatedly refers to President George W. Bush as a "mis'rable failure." As it turns out, George W. Bush is a fabulous success. We apologize for this error and have terminated the songwriter.
A Jan 31, 2004 interview with Vice President Cheney quotes Cheney as claiming (1) to have created more jobs than any prior administration and (2) to have never heard of Justice Antonin Scalia. The Vice President asserts that he was "just kidding around with the interviewer" when he made both statements and that "the interview never took place." After a lengthy interrogation, our interviewer finally admitted that the interview "was only a dream." We would make her apologize, but she's currently in therapy.
The Spinning Song asserts that the Bush administration uses spinmeisters. However, Bush spinmeisters advise us that the Bush administration never uses spinmeisters. We are really, really, really, really sorry.
Please send all questions, comments and complaints to our ombudsman by email to MadKane@MadKane.com with "Dear Bud" in the subject line.
And please stay tuned for Bud's next report.
Here's some cool news -- I've sold reprint rights to one of my essays to appear in -- of all places -- a college textbook. And no, it has nothing to do with Bush.
The piece, originally called "Gender At Work," dates back quite a few years to my lawyering days and its subject is subtle sexism. It's been published in several publications including Pop Politics, where it appeared under the name ''My Most Attractive Adversary.'' And that's where the editor of The Contemporary Reader discovered it.
Okay, it's a Super Tuesday knockout -- I get it already. Edwards' campaign has ended with a whimper, and I'm drowning my sorrows in a new crossword puzzle: Political Dish.
From: Karl_Rove@Whitehouse.gov
To: Ralph_Nader@Spoiler.org
Subject: What will it take?
Hey Ralphie. How ya doing? Long time no talk.
I didn't think we'd need you in '04, but things aren't going as well as I expected.
So, are you in? As always, we'll make it worth your while. Advise ASAP.
PS Let me know what it'll take to get you on board. Everything's on the table.
PPS Don't forget to destroy on receipt.
PPPS I'm just brainstorming, but maybe EPA Director? Secy of Commerce? Whatever rings your chimes.
I refuse to comment on "you know what" or link to "you know who." I also refuse to comment on "you know what" or link to "you know who" program-related activities. However, if you simply must know what "you know who" is up to, skip the "you know who" website and visit this one instead. You'll thank me in the morning.
February 11, 2004 (Liberal Laughs & Desert Island Music)
Here's a fun pair of posts for anyone who enjoys music: Matt Langdon over at Rashomon polled numerous bloggers, writers, and online pals for their top 10 desert island/ burning house CD choices. Part 1 is posted here and Part 2 is posted here. (You'll find my own eclectic choices at the top of Part 2.) It's fun to match up bloggers with their musical tastes. Plus, chances are, you'll discover some great music and rediscover music you've long forgotten.
It's time for another batch of humor that's made me laugh lately. Enjoy!
