Wonkette

AUG

Dowd + Safire + Murders' Row = TMI

Nothing melts Big Russ like the thought of William Safire in the bathroom:

MR. SAFIRE: You know, distopea and the utopia and--Mo and I and Tom Friedman all occupy a corridor at The Times bureau. Some people who remember the old baseball phrase call it "murderers' row." We disagree. We like each other, and we admire the way each other writes--one another writes.

MS. DOWD: And we share a bathroom, and sometimes he lets me use his hair spray.

MR. SAFIRE: God, I need it again.

MR. RUSSERT: We're going to keep moving it along on this program, sticking to the books at hand.

Go, Tim. As focused as a subpoena.

NBC's Meet the Press, Transcript for August 8 [MSNBC]

Remainders: Celebrities and Substitutions Edition

• Campaign Journal breaks it down: "Number of times Kerry said of Affeck, 'he turned wuss on me all of a sudden': 1. . . Number of times Teresa Heinz Kerry, speaking here in Jefferson City, added 'not yet' after saying Americans 'don't have to fear' being 'hung from a lamp post' or 'shot': 3" [TNR]
• "fundit (fun'-dit) n. A scholar or learned person who disseminates witty criticism; a source of humorous expertise: Bill Maher will never be the fundit Jon Stewart is." [WOW Report]
• The index of "The 9/11 Commission Report," a more concise but equally depressing approach: "Clarke, Richard. . . finds Tom Clancy novels more useful than the intelligence community, 347." [n+1]
• Alan Keyes bodily fluids, now at $242.50. "This sale is on behalf of an individual Alan Keyes supporter but not affiliated directly with the Keyes' campaign." [eBay]
• The Illinois GOP's other options: Shannen Doherty, Farnsworth Bentley, and Dave Eggers, author of "And Act of Extreme and Utter Contempt for the Hallowed Halls of Congress, and These Are Things Which We Do Not Do, for They Are Not Honorable, and I Have Been Orphaned." [low culture]

KerryPool: Copter Ride Edition

We observed earlier that to be a part of the Kerry traveling press pool is the journalistic equivalent of writing about watching paint dry. Yet more proof: The best parts of the Kerry pool reports are the subject lines. The body of Kerry pool reports go like this:

There will be seven helicopters, four for press, three for jfk, agents and staff. Jfk will fly around while press gets set up. Pool will go to landing zone. He walks one way, pool walks another way and meets up were trail meets. In short, little time with jfk who continues to dodge the press. Jfk might talk with some rangers, but not with pool, loftus says. Comments to pool possible at 2. More to come....

And

About to depart. Five per copter. Kerry on knees reading map with pilot. Three cell calls made by jfk because no rnage at canyon. Jfk just said hw would talk to us at canyon

And

You all missed one cool copter ride.

Zzzzzz. But here are today's subject lines, which, while not hilarious, are sort of amusingly sullen: "[Kerrypool] transcript of JK at GC (color TK)." Could not be more apt unless it include a picture of pain drying! (Because, really, the color never does come.) Then, later, "[Kerrypool] also the pool (at least me) owes jodi thanks and booze for transcription." Oh, the sacrifice! Next round is on us, Jodi.

Full report of the copter ride after the jump.

[more...]

This Is Your Bush on Drugs?

We've been getting a lot email regarding a series of articles published in Capitol Hill Blue about the allegedly precarious mental state of the President. Or, as one of their sources put it, "[T]he very real possibility that the President of the United States is loony tunes." Well, we make up news all the time, we know made-up news, and, ladies and gentlemen, is seriously fucking made-up news. We understand why people might want to believe these stories, of course. You know, maybe Bush didn't lie about WMDs, he just hallucinated them. . . Not evil, just confused.

So, to clarify: Based on our admittedly meager contacts, we find it incredibly unlikely that Bush is a doped up paranoid rageoholic.

He is, however, a flaming queen.

Bush Using Drugs to Control Depression, Erratic Behavior [Capitol Hill Blue]
Sullen, Depressed President Retreats Into Private, Paranoid World [Capitol Hill Blue]
Bush Steps Out [Wonkette]

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AUG

When Bill Met Jon #

The Clinton impeachment turned political journalism into a joke, the Daily Show has turned jokes into political journalism. Tonight, the forces of good and evil meet when Bill Clinton turns his charm on Jon Stewart. We were trying to think of a drinking game for this, but are having a hard time getting past "Take a drink when the boundary between satire and reality melts into an indistinguishable blur that normally would be a sign that you're already drunk." Just to be on the safe side, we're going to start with the cocktails now. Hey, there's irony happening somewhere. . .

The Daily Show [Comedy Central]

Staged Right: Unclear on the Concept Edition #

• NYers self-publish convention guide, give it away for free. Did they not get the memo? Republican convention, people -- you know, for capitalists? [NYT]
• Delegates happy to conform, consume: "It's like a really well-oiled machine," says one Illinois delegate, of the orientation package, which "forces people to travel light and buy what they need after entering the convention center." [The Southern]
• Williamsburg guy plans "personal protest" at Central Park against . . . uhm, unclear: "It's just to be there, just to claim my couple square feet to stand on. I'm not killing the grass, I'm not part of any organization, and I'm not seeking a permit." Not killing grass, just smoking it. [NYT]
• Convention may make homeless even more homeless. [AP/Yahoo]
• Nader seeks journalist credentials. Because he's not annoying enough yet. [SFGate.com]

Gore-Ku: Submissions #

Gore-Kus of note:

Election stolen!
Too depressed to shave, at last
you moved on (dot org). -- RO

Wonkette, Kerry's hung,
it's true. But Tipper's man has
six full feet of wood. -- MC

We seem to have reached some kind of point of diminishing returns with the Gore-kus, actually, and the applications to serve as Wonkette Intern/Reporter/Assistant/Love Slave are only trickling in. Sow we're gonna close the window on both at the end of the day today, and we'll make some kind of decision about the position in the next week or so. Thanks to all those who applied to far, and to those would have applied but didn't want to submit, we think we know where you might find a better, uhm, fit:

DIRECTOR OF DISCIPLINE

The Academy of the Holy Cross, an all girl's Catholic HS, is looking for an indiv. to monitor student's compliance with school policies, procedures, regulations & enforce standards of conduct.

We're going to go try on some knee socks right now. . .

DIRECTOR OF DISCIPLINE [WP]

Famous-for-D.C., Fun-for-Ohio #

So you're a journalist on the campaign trail. It is very boring. Your candidate speaks with the cadences of a anti-abolitionist and his veep is so relentlessly on-message that you've already memorized his stump speech. Your editor told you that they can only take so many stories about the wacky wife. And the real tragedy? They keep dragging your ass to Ohio.

But you're creative, you're vaguely naughty, you're not exactly going to burn through your expense account at the Columbus Hilton. . . So you decide: When life gives you lemons, make bets. Specifically, start a buck-a-head pool with your fellow reporters on how many days Kerry will spend in the battleground state. We're guessing that's the genesis of an intriguing email forwarded us to by an anonymous party that shows members of the Kerry traveling press engaging in just such sport.

[more...]

EdwardsPorn #

We love that Aaron McGruder actually tries to make a political point with this cartoon. . . as if wanting to make the mad monkey love with someone wasn't reason enough to vote for him!

hottttt

The Boondocks [Yahoo]

Vote and Die: Free Iraqi Reinstates Death Penalty #

Yesterday, the interim Iraqi government announced a permanent solution to crime: They're reinstating capital punishment. Hey, it's an unelected, unaccountable government without a functioning justice system and the ability to kill whomever it deems guilty! That seems familiar somehow. Of course, it's not like this is a dictatorship. After all, democracy is about choice: "Yesterday we announced an amnesty. Today the death penalty," said a government spokesperson. "Choose one of them."

[more...]

Gossip Roundup: The New Kennedys Edition #

• Washington Whispers: Many minority journalists disenfranchised, consider themselves newsroom tokens. . . White House "insiders" listening to Ingraham. . . Friends say Chelsea will pick an issue to champion. . . Homeland Security officials complain most Capitol Hill visits are photo ops. . . Gov. Huckabee for president in '08?. . . Bush likely to hit more local eateries. [USN&WR]
• Out & About: Romney excited about his new book and the Olympics. . . Author Ron Kessler: "It is very lonely being a Bush fan." Greenspan, Andrea Mitchell attend book party. [WP]
• Heard on the Hill: BC04 reportedly stiffs tab at Helix. . . Rep. Jones (D-Georgia) offers to debate Zell Miller over the Democratic agenda. . . Democrats see hypocrisy in Kid Rock performing at Republican convention. [Roll Call]
• Inside Politics: Harper's Bazaar declares Gavin Newsom and Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom "the new Kennedys;" photographs them lying on the floor. [WT]
• Rush & Molloy: New computer program uninstalled after DOJ employees complain vulgar emails are blocked. . . Darrell Hammond to attend Lorne Michaels' convention party honoring McCain. . . Kristin Gore: "My dad had me file his Beatles albums in order." [NYDN]
• Page Six: Maureen Dowd: "If you are a woman in Washington and dress well, you are suspect. It means you are not spending enough time studying the Law of the Sea Treaty. If you dress in a dowdy way — and I hate that word — people think you're really at home at night going over quorum call records.". . . Barbara's table-dancing partner reportedly banned from convention. [NYP, NYP]
• The Scoop: Clinton signs 1,500 books in Toronto. [MSNBC]

Election Recycling: Increasingly Loose Edition #

• Bush, Kerry under pressure from 9/11 commission members to advance recommendations. [WP]
• Bush "increasingly loose" on the trail, enjoys raw ear of corn. [NYT]
• NRA mobilizes its 4 million members to see through image of Kerry as a recreational hunter. LaPierre: "There are hundreds of thousands of gun owners and hunters in [key] states and the gun issue is worth several percentage points on Election Day." [WP]
• Nations reluctant to provide troops for Kerry's internationalization of Iraq. [LAT] • Anti-Kerry veterans driven by his lies. [USAT]
• Keyes launches bid against Obama: "I'm not going to stand here and with tremendous ease promise you a victory. . . I will promise you a fight." [NYT, WP, WT]
• Kerry-Edwards bus tour follows tradition of Clinton-Gore in 1992. Voter: "I watched him at the convention and was cheering from my chair. Now to come out and see him, it's unbelievable." [LAT]