Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America

WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day "Solution For America" bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House. Full Text »

Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?

Things Are Starting To Turn Around
By Jim Anchower

U.S. Military Clears A-Team
Of Charges
WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.

Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman
DURHAM, NH—Friends, family members, and teachers close to former little girl Sally Erhardt report that the seventh-grader is now a woman, due to a physical change that occurred in the Durham West Middle School girls' restroom Monday.

Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Brad Framik, a contract attorney at Russell Law Offices and self-described "player," announced Saturday that he was "starting to hit my stride" after unsuccessfully coming on to five women at the Red Rock nightclub.

Al-Qaeda Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip
WASHINGTON, DC—Terrorist chatter about a possible al-Qaeda attack against the U.S. deteriorated into gossip Monday, according to top federal intelligence officials. "We intercepted a phone call in which two al-Qaeda operatives were discussing plans to conduct reconnaissance missions at certain U.S. landmarks," CIA operative Tim Huber said. "But the conversation quickly devolved into a 20-minute discussion of what someone named Majida Sa'doon was doing at Kanebi Hadi Hameeb's home at sunrise." Huber added that the gossip is a "definite improvement" over the glut of small talk about recipes, children, and goats that dominated conversation at this time last year.

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	Interview with: Laura Dern Alongside a young Diane Lane, as well as members of The Sex Pistols and The Clash, Laura Dern had her first major film role in the 1981...
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