| for EVERYONE, jen, jay, chris, everyone. |
[20 Nov 2004|01:52am] |
I had a talk today...with someone that I NEVER get advice from...
...my mom. I told her the situation, and she just let me know that I got myself into a mess. I really needed someone completely, someone who I'd never go to, to tell me what she thought.
She said, "You made yourself look cheap." Yes, look cheap. She told me that I haven't been myself lately. She actually asked me why. "It's not like you to....uh...jump between men?"
Now that's when I realized I did something terribly, terribly wrong. I've had a LOT of negative energy lately; my aunt mentally screwed me up the past couple of weeks, bashing my religion and my mother and me, embarrassed the crap out of me in public several times, and my grandmother said she was disappointed in me for not leaving my religion and not choosing the men in hawaii she had wanted to hook me up with.
My mother calls me a failure. I can't make her happy. I can't make anyone happy. I figure if I disappoint my mother than nothing is expected of me. I've fallen sort of loosely out of conduct. I don't get attention from anyone. I liked the attention I got from Rob. I was ignored by Chris.
I deeply cared for chris, I really really did. I cried and told him "I don't want to do anything to hurt you, I would never cheat on you. I want to straighten things out before something happens with Rob."
So I rightfully broke up with Chris, give him the reasons, and his last words were,"Don't worry. I won't let anyone talk bad about you. I understand how you feel. I'm sorry I didn't pay as much attention."
So I spend some nights sorting things out in my mind, realizing later as of now "what have I done?"
"what did i do to sound so bad?" the only one to blame is myself. what on earth am i thinking? I think this is the worst i've ever been. even megu told me, "well wouldn't you be hurting like jen if someone did that to your brother?"
But, well, chris is a sweet caring, selfless person. And i hope he gets someone just the same, even better. Just...not good for me.
It says in the bible to "Not become unevenly yoked." it is really hard for me to accept a man of no religion or can't live w/ me with my views. That was a big problem w/ chris. He loves the holidays evidently, I can't do them. I don't believe in them, that's my views. Rob is willing to study my religion and even progress. It would be so much easier if i was evenly yoked with someone who shared my religious views.
As for Jen and Jay, before I close for tonight, you both have to understand that I started getting lots of "hate mail" just out of the blue. That made me feel like crap. I have nothing in this life, I have absolutely no one, and nothing but a job a seriously ill father and ppl at work that constantly put me down as well as a disapproving mother. So when i got these emails and comments it made me sink LOW.
I never had anything against you. Not over chris, not over differences, nothing. I barely know you guys. I can say that I said some hurtful things. If you took them to be hurtful, I am sorry. They were in no way meant against either of you. I'm not upset at Chris. I hope he can grow up someday, though. And live for HIMSELF.
I just got a call tonight about something tragic and serious. I was shaking all the way home and twitching. I can't say what it is right now, but i won't sleep for a while.
So, I've been going through some crap lately. we all do. But the point is, I never wanted to hurt Chris. Break ups happen.
Chris is the sweet selfless person, in which that, if he gets hurt, if effects all those around him. Now that is a genuinely kind hearted person. He's just not ready yet. He isn't, guys. I am way too much to be ready. I wanted to move on while he toiled and read comics.
I wish the best for him, more than anything. Because It was always his kindness that attracts people.
Again, to Jay and Jen, I'm sorry; I have a lot of growing up to do. In fact, I've been going through some trauma-in-her-20s that I didn't think ppl in their 20s did.
You guys have life experience. I have none since i am so sheltered. I think that, I appreciate that you guys pointed this out to me. You pointed out the obvious to a girl who wasn't even looking.
Tho maybe you were hostile (based on emotion) just a bit, I realized that you know what, i made myself sound pretty damn bad. Anyone that's really close to me knows that i am not that sort of person.
So thanks....i think, yes. And i didn't know you had a g/f Jay, everyone told me you were gay and i guess they were joking or something. Beats me. If there were things said, you still responded to me tastefully, like a gentlemen.
And Jen, I know you're mature and you have all the experience of someone your age. It just took a while, gathering thoughts and comments, to realize that I made myself sound a bit heredonous. I'm sorry if anything i said lashed out at you, I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I still think that your'e a caring warm person.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I got caught in some moments, and I messed up not taking chris' feelings into consideration. I only hope i can be forgiven since i realize my badness now.
thanks so much again, to everyone. sometimes i need that proverbial slap in the face. to see things clearer, calm down, and go on.
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