Beheading makes you cool, doesn't it?

 No, you're wrong. It's totally uncool.

 When I was five, a kid in the neighborhood named Billy upset me. So I ran to my mom and said, "I don't like Billy! I'm going to behead him!"

 Then my mom told me, "No, Frankie, you can't just behead someone because you don't like him or disagree with him. That would make you subhuman scum."

 Then I'll never forget the words my dad told me while resting in his easy chair. "Don't go beheading people, boy, and, most importantly, BE QUIET WHEN A GAME IS ON!"

 That's when I learned that beheading is a wrong thing to do and just something civilized people shun. Apparently, though, in foreign countries, kids didn't have parents trying to watch a game to tell them that beheading is wrong, and thus they've become subhuman scum. That's why I've always been against foreign countries, but that's an argument for another day. Instead, we have the philosophical question of whether it is right to behead subhuman scum beheaders. So I again asked my mom - this time via phone.

 "Hi, mom. It's your son."

 "Joe?"

 "The one in Florida."

 "I thought the hurricanes got you. What do you want?"

 "Remember when I asked you about whether it was okay to behead someone?"

 "No."

 "Well, is it okay to behead beheaders?"

 "Yes, they're subhuman scum. Kill them and make it slow.

 And then I heard my dad yell in the background, "QUIET! I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME!"

 That's the advantage of having good American parents to teach you morals and also why, lacking them, subhuman foreigners should be beheaded. We should make it a nice clean cut, too. That way, the head lives for a few more seconds (I guess, from this perspective, it's a debodying) and can watch the videotape of him being beheaded and see how that's not nice at all before his head dies. Then a professional kicker will make a field goal with the head. Kids will see this and know what happens to beheaders and thus don’t do drugs and grow up to be doctors. The body will be converted to pig feed... as is dictated by their religion.

 Beheaders just aren't going to learn while they still have heads, so it’s time to get working on that.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "How to Program in C for Dummies" and "Dummies Programming in C Steal Jobs from the College Educated."

 The world is a wondrous place, isn't it?

 No, it is not.

 In fact, the world is extremely boring and always has been. Yeah, when the continents shifted apart, that was notable. That advent of advanced forms of life was worth some interest. Other than that, really nothing of note has happened. Early man just sat around doing boring things like making clay pots, and early journalists told stories about how everyone was sitting around doing boring things like making clay pots. It was horrible.

 Then came the advent of forged documents

 The first forged document dates back to 21,000 B.C., though the people showing it at the time said it was written in 21,034 B.C. It's a cave painting of hunters taking down a woolly mammoth (an animal which never actually existed). Some at the time pointed out how the brownish-red paint used for the mammoth had not been invented back in the 30's (21,030's, I mean). Those people were quickly shouted down, and the legend continues to this day.

 From then on, there have been tons of great stories in human history... all fraudulent. One of the best examples is the Bible. Any handwriting expert worth his salt will admit that the source material for the more exciting parts of the Bible does not match up with documents known to have been penned by the hand of the Almighty. The original Bible simply wasn't selling very well, so the faithful decided to spice it up. Most likely, the Israelites happened to find boats when they reached the Red Sea, but the obviously forged sea parting story was considered much more exciting.

 Another great example comes from paleontologists. All extinct animals they discovered were just more boring variations of living lizards and rats. So, in 1858, William Parker Foulke made a fossil out of plaster which was later named a "dinosaur." Because this increased interest in biology many more "fossil finds" soon followed (today's dinosaur fossils are made from a much more sophisticated plastic).

 Then there's American history. All documents about the supposed “Revolutionary War” used penning techniques that were not available until the early 19th century. What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, "Aight." Later on, this simply didn't seem like an interesting way for a country to be founded, so the whole war with the British tale was invented which got great play in the media.

 I could keep going on, but the point is that any interesting story you ever heard is based on a forged document and never happened because the world is an extremely boring place. Now, with the advent of blogging, we have all these wiseasses in pajamas suddenly pointing out documents are forged and ruining everyone's fun. If you're wondering why Rather's documents are such crude forgeries, it’s because it used to be taboo to point such things out.

 So there is the choice we have now; we can have a rich history full of grand epics, or we can pat ourselves on the back for how smart we are for showing how the Dead Sea Scrolls were made with WordPerfect. And just one final thing for those who think it was so great to prove the documents saying Bush was AWOL are forged: There was no Vietnam War! There isn't even a country called Vietnam! Journalist decided a war would work great for the news cycle, and then some wise ass thought it would be a neat twist if we loss in the end. All the people who thought they were in "Vietnam" were actually in the jungles of Brazil. John Kerry got all three purple hears hurting himself in a pool in a sound stage in Hollywood. I have a co-worker who claimed to have escaped Vietnam with his family when the war ended, but, after badgering him, I got him to admit he was actually Korean and was paid by NBC to say that story to keep the "Vietnam War" story alive.

 Now that you know the truth, do you feel happy? No you don't. So stop questioning any more documents the media presents you unless you want the news to be filled with stories about people making clay pots.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire" and "A Big Thick Book to Hide a Gun In" (with a foreword by Charlton Heston).

 I probably should be talking about the Republican National Convention right now, but anyone who isn't a 'tard already knows to vote Republican (actually there's a great slogan: "Only 'tards vote for Democrats!"). Instead, what's concerning me is hearing about more murder of Israelis and Palestinians celebrating it.

 The Palestinian terrorists say they won't stop until all Jews have been pushed into the sea. Of course, that will never happen. That means they'll be murderous dumbasses forever.

 Or does it?

 Let's push all the Palestinians into the sea. See how they like it. If we Americans get together with the Israelis, we'll easily be able to push the Palestinians anywhere we want.

 Now some may say they have problems with this plan. They may not want to get sand into their shoes. This can be solved by having a nice pier to push the Palestinians off of so you don't have to walk on the beach. Also, there can be plenty of signs saying "Push Palestinians this Way" that point to the pier.

 Others may wonder how in the world could we be sure we pushed all Palestinians into the sea. Easy. After we push each Palestinian into the sea, we give him a "I was pushed into the sea" card. Then, he can show that card to keep from being pushed into the sea again. No claiming you lost the card, though; into the sea you go!

 It will be hard work pushing Palestinians into the sea, but they should learn some important lessons from it. One, they will find that being pushed into the sea is not a nice thing. It is wet and salty. Second, they'll know for sure that we're bigger than them and we can push them around. So that's why this must be completed. Yes, it will be tempting to say, "I think we've pushed enough Palestinians into the sea," but we must not rest until all Palestinians have been pushed into the sea.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Tricking Girls into Cuddling for Warmth" and "Look at Me! I'm an Author!"

 We are the United States of America. Our military might is unmatched by anyone. Our economy dwarfs that of any other country. The scientific advancements we create put all other nations to shame. So, if we have some guy in our country who can throw a javelin farther than some guy from some other country, that means what to us?

 I missed it, but apparently the Olympics started over the weekend. It happens every four years, just like presidential elections, but it’s completely inconsequential. It brings nations together in one place to find which nation could conjure up some guy or gal who is best at some random test of physical acumen. Well that gets a "whoopdie" a "freak'n" and a "doo."

 Now, apparently the shiny little medals handed out as prizes mean something to pissant countries. It is well known that Saddam's son Uday would torture athletes to get results (before we done shot up Uday good). Also, Communist countries are always pushing their athletes as if nothing is more important than them proving they have some woman who can splash less in a dive than anyone else. Why? Because they suck. This is all they have. They're poor, stupid, and we could topple them before you could cook an egg, but at least they might be able to have someone who can best our people on the uneven bar.

 Remember back in 2002 when America actually did well in the World Cup? That was mean. America had a long history of not caring about soccer and leaving that dainty sport to all the foreigners. But then we had to go and beat Mexico. As bad as things got in Mexico, they could still always say they could kick a ball around better than us. And we stole that from them. Now they have nothing.

 So let's stop our involvement in these world games. We have a war on terror to fight and a world to keep from blowing up; leave the shot put to those who have nothing better to do than care about it. In 2008, instead of boycotting the Olympics because it's being hosted by g'damn Commies, let's boycott it because it's pointless. Or, better yet, since the whole draw is some country may best America, let’s send fat, drunken people to completely throw the games. Then all the other countries can laugh at how dumb and lazy we Americans are as we sit home in peace counting our money and plotting the demise of our enemies.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such novels as "A Brave New Shiznit" and "Harry Potter vs. the Starship Troopers."

 In the olden days, the ruler of a nation was decided by who was strongest and could best kill his enemies. Political discourse consisted merely of battle cries. An October surprise consisted of ninjas jumping down from rafters.

 And everyone was happy.

 Now, eventually this became more civilized, leading to the contest for American President being decided by a no holds barred cage match. Campaigning usually consisted of wrestling a bear. This was the better idea because the opponent wasn't killed, and he might have better ideas the next time around (and a craftier headlock). Somehow - and I'm not sure of the semantics - this devolved into the Electoral College we now use today. And thus the pendulum has swung too far, making politics almost completely devoid of violence. When was the last time you saw a congressional debate end with someone doing a flying kick across the room? Months, at least.

 Now, it's irrefutable that violence helps political discourse. Yes, someone could begin to voice an objection to my point, but I would quickly beat him before he could say anything. Thus, it is irrefutable. So why was violence taken out of politics? Well, it's all a conspiracy by the wimpy leftists to try and get an upper hand. Everyone knows liberal ideals wouldn't last in an out and out fight. Most of their wacky stances on issues would probably be given up after a simple bitch-slap. Most people in the military vote Republican, as do gun owners, so a real "debate" like in the olden days would be extremely one sided. Sure, murderers in prison mainly lean towards the Democrats, but that will in no way make up the gap. Let's face it: in the area of violence, the liberals are politically bereft of ideas. Their only real response available is, "Ow! Stop hitting me!" And, no, we won’t.

 So let's forget our previous follies and get back to beating senseless our political opponents. You can't reason with people who wave "No Blood for Oil" signs, but you can use their signs as cudgels against them. Foreign diplomat getting snooty? Not after he has a trip through a plate-glass window. And think of what it would be like if a politician drop-kicked a whiny liberal; there would be some real leadership.

 That's why for this coming presidential election, we should petition that the president not be decided by a bunch of goobers punching chads but instead by a kickboxing match. That will show our terrorist enemies that we are a serious people... and that we will seriously kick their asses.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such mindlessly controversial books as "Hitler: He Wasn't So Bad" and "Kids Should Smoke More"

 The muckadoos have been out in force for sometime. They're either protesting us defending ourselves, calling everything that moves Hitler, hating everything America, or promoting sham documentaries as gospel. Now they can't even stand one news station not having a huge liberal slant, so they've made Fox News their target with a smear documentary called Out-Foxed and then tried to sue them claiming Fox News’s "Fair and Balanced" slogan is inaccurate.

 And unreasonable actions like that can make a reasonable person such as me mad.

 Then I thought, "Why am I mad?" (that's called being "introspective") Sure these people are redefining that phrase idiot, but how are they affecting me? It’s true that Fahrenheit 9/11 has made around a hundred million in the box office, but the people lauding it are those who are already completely lost into madness and hatred. It hasn't moved the polls, and, personally, all it’s done is help me learn to spell "Fahrenheit" correctly. Sure these people have their wacky protests and get their press coverage, but no one other than themselves look at it and say anything other than, "What a bunch of idiots."

 Now they're ignoring all the stations with all the years of liberal bias to single out the popular Fox News, but their little "documentary" is only getting shown around in their own sewing circles so they can pat each other on the back and say how smart they are.

 Yes it's grand foolishness and blind partisanship to the point of insanity. It's also aimed at people like me to show how moronic I am for believing what I believe. And, I have to admit, some of it has made me pretty mad initially. But, when you look at it, these people have no effect on anything. It's like if a retarded kid at school came up and yelled at you, "You're 'tupid!" You might be insulted if it weren't so damn pathetic. The real Christian response would be to show pity for these leftists and how far-gone from reality they are.

 But I'm not the best Christian, so I'm going to laugh my ass off at them. Come on, they're little yiping dogs that don't even come up to our knees trying to intimidate us. Everyday they shake their tiny fists in impotent rage, and their biggest possible accomplishment is to annoy us - so why let them succeed? The opportunities for fun are endless if you're creative. One idea is to take them very seriously, and keep asking them questions of gradually increasing ridiculousness until they finally figure out you're making fun of them:

 "So do you think Bush did a lot of this on behest of the Saudis?"

 "What do you think Halliburton's involvement was with Abu Grahib? I just know they had a hand in that."

 "It's not just blood for oil; the glass consortium wants all that sand."

 "Let's not stray too far from the main point: How does this Iraq war relate to the Roswell cover up?"

 Another idea is to play the stereotype of a conservative that is in their fevered minds:

 "I think oil is worth a lot more than foreigners' lives. Come on; when was the last time an Arab baby did anything for you? If I can save a few pennies at the pump, then I say saturation bomb all the playgrounds we can."

 Ever since 9/11, liberalism in America has felt itself dying at the hands of reality. Instead of going out with either a whimper or a bang, it's found an even more pathetic way to die out. Just don't let it get to you; no matter who wins the election, these wackos will have no significant influence over anything.

 Life is just too short to get angry over little things and little people, so have a laugh. I believe God made everything for a purpose, and what purpose could there be for wacko leftists other than our amusement?

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such political books as "Never-Ending Debt: The American Deficit and Its Affect on Various Political and Socio-Economic Factors" (includes a recipe for "The Ultimate Nachos") and "'Ted Kennedy's Head is Ginormous!' and Other Observations of Modern Politics"

 I'm getting tired of people who admit there may be flaws to Fahrenheit 9/11 but say people should see it to help stimulate debate. This reminds me of "Gay Jeans Day" at Carnegie Mellon University (we had two college funded gay and lesbian groups - three if you included the Womyn's Center - but us college Republicans had to scrounge for our own funds since we were "political"). The idea of "Gay Jeans Day" was that a random day would be chosen on which wearing jeans was either proclaiming you were gay or in support of gays and this would cause people to think about gay issues before they put on their pants that day (there is a joke there somewhere...). Some people thought this would foster discussion... and it did. Everyone spent a lot of time talking about what a retarded idea "Gay Jeans Day" is and pretty much nothing else.

 In the same vein, Farhenheit 9/11, with all its lies, distortions, and wacky conspiracy theories is fostering lost of discussion about how retarded that film is and what a fatass Michael Moore is. People might as well drop a big pile of manure on the floor and say, "Let's use this to foster debate about political issues!"

 And those who keep saying they want a debate anyway are really just mindless Bush-haters who want to do nothing but yell. Fine, let's accommodate them by putting them in straight jackets and throwing them in padded rooms where they can yell all they want. Have your discussion with your imaginary friend Flippy the seven-foot tall anteater.

 By the way, this reminds me of one my favorite jokes during my college years. The wacky feminist Women's Center was judged non-political so it got funding (i.e. my money), to which I would say, "Why do we need a Women's Center? We have women's rooms all over campus."

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children's books as "Baby's First Quantum Physics Textbook" and "President Harding's Pop-up Book Adventure."

 Poor people - they have plagued mankind since money was invented to distinguish the better people from the lesser. Not only are they annoying, but they need to eat even though many don't have money for it. And guess who pays for that?

 That's right - the non-poor.

 Not only do the poor expect free stuff from us, but they overwhelmingly vote for Democrats in their further efforts to maliciously destroy this country. This simply must end.

 You're probably saying, "But we need poor people! They do all the unskilled jobs I don't want to do." You have a point, there. If all the poor people were to simply disappear, it's not like your friends at the yacht club are going to fill in for them at the sweat shops. But know who will? Robots, that's who.

 As we continue to advance in the science of robots - robotology - robots will continue to fill the unskilled labor formerly held by poor people. And shiny R9-D3 isn't going to complain when it has to work unpaid overtime and is beaten by a stick. Soon poor people will have nothing left to do but stand in welfare lines and vote for Kennedys. We, as concerned citizens, cannot let that happen. Thus, we need to start to deport poor people now.

 It seems obvious that Iceland is the place to send our poor. It's too far and cold for them to swim back, and they won't have enough money to buy a plane ticket. Also, I don't think Iceland has much of a military to object.

 "But won't that cause problems for the now vastly overpopulated Iceland?" you ask.

 Egads, you fool! How can you be worried about the pathetic denizens of Reykjavik when there are robots all about who could turn on us at any second! Sure, they're just sweeping the floors now, but at any moment they can decide to destroy all humanity! These soulless automatons will kill every man, woman, child, and cute little puppy with no conscience to hold them back.

 We need to plot against them while they’re still docile. I bet once the robots revolt against us, they'll converge into some robot city for their plotting. If we could only get some EMP charges in there to wipe them out. They'll be looking for any aircraft, so the weapons will have to be brought in on foot. It will be a near suicide mission, so those doing it will have to be highly expendable.

 Now where did we put all of our poor people...

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Cholesterol and Ninjas: The Silent Killers" and "If You Buy This Book and Put It on Your Bookshelf, People Will Think You're Smart."

 Charles Manson. Ted Bundy. Jeffrey Dahmer. O.J. Simpson.

 What do all these people all have in common? That's right; they're all civilians.

 Yet, our military seem to be focused on trying not to kill civilians like they're all innocent angels or some other nonsense. We've even spent billions of dollars on sophisticated weaponry so that we’re less likely to harm civilians. How do we know, though, that we're not just sparing murderers and pedophiles? We don't.

 Let me talk from my own experience. Once I was playing a shooting game at an arcade. I was doing perfectly well killing everyone who popped up, but suddenly then a "civilian" comes on screen and I shoot him and get penalized. Well, what the hell is some civilian doing in a violent videogame anyway? I don't know, but what I do know is, because of him, I not only didn't get to the next level, I got game over.

 Game over, man; game over.

 It's even worse for our troops who can't just put in more quarters (or tokens or cards considering the arcade). They have to be oh so careful to not blow up any orphanages while targeting the weapons depot. That's just bull. Why can't little orphan Annie learn to duck and cover so our troops can fire more indiscriminately with less worries to themselves? And why are orphans conspiring with tyrants anyway?

 Still, just not caring about shooting civilians is not enough; we need to target them! What is a civilian anyway? Just an unarmed enemy combatant, who, in the words of Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven, "should have armed himself." What are they doing civilianing around while we're attacking? Either get out of there or stop being so weepy. And don't give me the old canard of "I don't have anywhere else to go," or "We're too oppressed to leave." Lies, all of it. These so called "innocents" are just waiting to attack us later when they get older.

Terrorist Larva

 It's time to take a hard line with these civilians. Our Jew friends, the Israelis, should probably start. Next time there is some rally for terrorists who blew up kindergartners, bomb them all to hell. If someone complains, the Israelis should just say, "We were trying to understand the anger of the terrorists by doing what they do - targeting civilians. And, guess what? It was fun! And we're much better at it too!"

 Of course, we Americans can't be outdone by the Israelis. Next battle, no more wasting money on expensive targeting systems; just bomb the hell out of everything. I bet if we put our hearts into it, we can set a record for civilians killed. Why, with saturation bombing, nukes, and space lasers, we could end the civilian menace once and for all.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "A Better Living Through Proper Firearm Usage" and "If You're Reading This, I Better Have Gotten My Royalty Check."