So a week of full-page NYT ads and slick but oblique flash animations later, we discover that "Retro vs. Metro" is. . . a book? Like the heavy things with words and (what we prefer) pictures? It all seemed so sketchy and mysterious, but it looks like it's a David Brooksian two Americas blah blah blah. Someone will have to read it to find out for sure. Reading! Ha. Talk about retro.
Retro vs. Metro America [retrovsmetro.org]
We're pretty sure we weren't the only ones impressed with the Note's masterfully subtle reference to the shake-up now in process at KE04. We're pretty sure they were very impressed with themselves:
Drudge gets it wrong in touting Mike McCurry as poised to draw a Kerry paycheck.The "apology" is an especially nice touch. (Can we get them to just run it as a disclaimer every day?) We'll spell it out for the outsiders: The Glover Park Group's Joe Lockhart and The Harbour Group's Joel Johnson are rumored to be headed over to rescue the Kerry campaign (headquarters at 15th and Eye -- see how it's all coming together now?) from what some see as a series of gaffes that threaten to stall out an already sputtering machine. This has been semi-confirmed by CNN's Inside Politics, who repeated the bit about Joe -- Joel's more of an underground phenom and his name will not get the same play. As for current KE04 helmer Stephanie Cutter? Well, she's the the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful (and quietest!) human being we've ever known in our life. Everyone is very upset at the prospect of not spending more time with her. Really. It's impossible to say how sorry everyone is.But there are those who are Harbouring a willingness to Park themselves at 15th and Eye Streets. (Note apology: that's mostly for insiders . . .)
By the way, you are the last person to hear this. We can't believe how out of the loop you are.
We Hold These Truths … Pick up Hazy Joely and Killer Joe [ABC News]
Wonkette's weekly service to our readers: Translating Tina Brown's Thursday column in the Washington Post. We understand it so that you don't have to.
| Tina says | Tina means |
| New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's gay declaration of independence, when he advanced downstage to muse about his inner turmoil, brought an oddly Shakespearean turn to the national soap opera. The difference is that when Shakespeare's Richard III goes on about what it's like to be a hunchback, he's talking only to himself. That's what a soliloquy is -- a character's inmost thoughts, overheard only by the audience. | That's right, I think you're idiots. |
| His thoughts are no longer inmost. They're outmost. | I am so fucking clever I can't stand it. At the very least, I'm smarter than you. |
| . . . the retro aroma of old-fashioned, patronage-filled Jersey politics. . . | This Jersey-smells joke required by law. |
| Of course, the candor of McGreevey's speech was deeply evasive. . . | When you you describe something with two words that mean the opposite thing, that makes you sound deep. I learned that at The New Yorker, a magazine I used to edit. |
Many thanks to all those who sent in tips on local burn units, but Gawker HQ exaggerated just a bit in its account of yesterday's computer meltdown. It did not catch fire in a freak bourbon-and-lube accident. It just slipped off the bed. (So hard to balance the laptop and type with one hand!) And there was no bourbon involved. That came later. Anywho, we're now esconced in what must remain an undisclosed location, and trying to get used to the fact that we're dressed and showered before noon. Posting will resume as soon as we figure out how to hide our drinking from the new officemates.
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• Reliable Source: Bob Barr on his Playboy appearance: "But lest the New Jersey governor [Jim McGreevey] get too excited, it's a very, very small [and clothed] picture.". . . Clinton turns 58 today. . . Essie Mae Washington-Williams' face to don coins; memoir out in January. [WP]
• Lloyd Grove's Lowdown: Kerry ex writes novel about Kerry-like character. . . Missy Elliott: "When George H.W. Bush jumped out of the plane for his 80th birthday, I was like, 'Aw, get the hell out of here. Now I have to go bungee-jumping.'" [NYDN]
• Rush & Molloy: Joe Piscopo toys with run for NJ governor. [NYDN]
• Page Six: Teresa says John prefers Zellweger to Zeta-Jones. . . "When Golan Cipel took on the governor, he bit on more than he could chew," said president of NJ Sports Authority. . . [NYP, NYP]
• The Scoop: Liberals desperate for Kitty Kelley's book on Bush, out in a month. [MSNBC]
• Pew poll shows foreign policy tops economic issues for first time since Vietnam War. Poll director: "Iraq could be the tipping point. . . Kerry hasn't made the sale on Iraq either." [WP, IHT, LAT, WT]
• Kerry, citing ongoing terror threat, tells VFW members redeployment plan is "wrong signal" at "wrong time." [WP, NYT, LAT, WT, BG]
• Records dispute account of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth member. [WP]
• Laura laughs at notion of fair press, relates to "shove it" comment: "I empathized with [Teresa], because she and I really are sort of in the same club." [WT]
Over here at Gawker Media Headquarters in New York, we've just received word (by Blackberry, natch) about a certain decrepit computer bursting into flames down at the Wonkette satellite offices. Yeah, we're thinking it too: lube + liquor = flaming disaster. In any event, the glorious Ms. Wonkette is reportedly a wee bit singed, so she may be unable to post for the remainder of the day. (Either that or she's lying to us because she's spending the afternoon "in Congress" or in rehab. We never know from up here.)
Senate aides with spare laptops are hereby requested to make contact. No questions asked. We all know something falls off that truck to the Pentagon every week.
Thank you for your patience in this time of national crisis.
As we sift through the D.C.-centric and political blogs, we notice a trend: We notice that we can barely stay awake. The best item we've read in weeks is about the Bush girls' eyebrow waxer's gay marriage, which at least involves ass-fucking. But in general, we've got Olympic athletes and Amber Frey. Could gossip get more boringer? It would have to involve non-sexy old people involved in a trivial spat over something you've never heard of. Oh, wait:
Only on TVNewser: Brian Wilson, host of Sunday's 'Weekend Live' on FNC, is pretty peeved with CNN's Wolf Blitzer," sources say. Apparently it revolves around Blitzer's continuing habit of holding on to guests who are scheduled to make subsequent appearances on Wilson's program. Last Sunday, Blitzer kept questioning Fla. lieutenant governor Toni Jennings during the time slot promised to Fox News. "The feeling at Fox is that CNN likes to employ such delaying tactics with guests in an attempt to keep the Fox show off-balance," one source says. (Weekend Live usually beats Late Edition in the ratings.) Is Wilson thinking about meeting Blitzer in the CNN parking lot for a 2:05pm face-to-face chat about professional courtesy?...It's enough to make you want to engineer a sexblog Senate staffer prostitution scandal or something.
CNN's Dirty Tricks? Wilson Peeved At Blitzer [TVNewser]
He's really just warming up:
• Reliable Source: Minus Angie Harmon, Jason Sehorn, Andre 3000, Bo Derek, "celebrities" attending GOP convention don't qualify for boldface. . . Man escorted from Bush rally for wearing KE04 shirt inside out. . . 1,600 extras sought in D.C. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: Political-sensitivity quotient index at new high. [WT]
• Inside Politics: Kerry relates to Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer, favors Dylan's "Lay Lady Lay" and Rolling Stones tunes. . . . KE04 confuses Kerry's record with Bob Kerry's. [WT]
• Lloyd Grove's Lowdown: Bush twins express interest in attending gay marriage of their eyebrow waxer. . . Former Kerry lover: "All I can tell you is that John is 100% male." [NYDN, NYDN]
• Rush & Molloy: Sharpton spotted dancing with Black Eyed Peas. [NYDN]
• Page Six: Sarah Jessica Parker has her son calling Kerry the president. [NYP]
• Bush says Kerry is "living in the past" for not fully supporting missile defense; Kerry advisor responds Bush is "preoccupied" with the system. [WP, LAT, BG]
• Kerry, echoing McCain, calls MoveOn ad about Bush's military service "inappropriate." [WP, LAT]
• Many conservatives feel snubbed by prominence of moderate Republicans; most convention speakers disagree with Bush on guns, gay marriage, and abortion. [LAT]
• Kerry to address American Legion gathering during Republican convention. [NYT]
Sightings of pundits, aging teen idols and other famous-for-D.C. types are sent in by readers. Send yours to . In this issue: Usher, LaHood, Stein, Hunt, Richardson, Stein, Danes, Wilson, Firestone, Sperling, McCain, Schroeder, Frank.
• I was at the Columbia, MD mall Friday afternoon [7/30] when I heard a great commotion outside a baseball cap store. 50 or more people were in the aisle, and they all started cheering and clapping. From the crowd emerges Usher, accompanied by several bodyguards and hangers-on. He paraded through the mall with a black Atlanta Braves cap on. The brim was completely flat. Is that in style now? Are the frat boys out of fashion? Usher was shorter than I'd imagined, although I hadn't given the matter much thought previously.
• Sunday, Aug 1, 1030PM, Saw Congressman Ray LaHood (18th Ill.) driving east on K St from Georgetown in his definitely uncool dark Buick sedan with Illinois congressman license plate, number 18, turning left onto 18th and heading north...all the while with a cell phone plastered to his head. From the way he was driving, maybe the cell phone wasn't all that was plastered.
• I saw Ben Stein on the upper patio of Sequioa with a fetching, petite, late 30's early 40's blonde. [8/2] They were each eating some sort of multilayed, multicolored sorbet dessert and wearing that annoying carnival wristband that the bouncers seem attach to the hairiest part of your arm. The crowd maintained a laissez faire too-cool-for-famous-for-DC-types pose. I left before anybody drunkenly insisted he perform the "Bueller" schtick or recite his favorite Nixon speech, but I'd like to think that it happened.
• al hunt -- saw him "ambling" outside of the "Ascot" restaurant. [8/2] Didn't look like he was going to make it much further along. The hair was in great shape, but the rest of him was looking sorry.
[more...]• TBogg wants you to play paparazzi, snap pix of GOP delegates visiting "massage parlors...or hotel lobbies with women who may not be their wives. . . Extra credit for shots in front of strip clubs. Extra extra credit if you catch a pundit. Extra extra extra credit if you catch Rick Santorum going into a pet store. Extra extra extra extra credit if you catch him coming out with Ann Coulter." [TBogg]
• Radical geek: Electronic civil disobedience (a.k.a. denial of service attacks) to target "web servers, phone systems, and email addresses of various RNC delegates." The message? Who cares. Fuck shit up! [CrimethInc Black Hat Hacker's Bloc]
• "Free for All Wet Anti-Bush T-Shirt Contest and Water Gun Fight," to be held on Saturday, August 28, in the Sheep Meadow of Central Park. Objectifying women and promoting symbolic violence! That's my kind of liberal agenda. [VV]
• FBI tracking protesters. Because nothing threatens democracy like free speech. [AP/CNN]
• No need to track protesters, just follow your nose: Activists "have posted notice that they can accommodate 70 people - in rooms with no air-conditioning or hot water, on floors covered in sawdust." [NYT]
Yesterday's web chat about the Jessica Cutler WP Magazine article answered those questions inevitably left when one only has 10,000 words to tell as story. Questions such as, Why do men want to sex with an attractive girl? Truly one of life's mysteries. But author April Witt has one theory: "I think it might be DNA-encoded. The cave man looked for visual clues to indicate that a female was healthy and fertile, a suitable receptacle for his seed." Of course, $400 can make almost any receptacle suitable, if not exactly fertile.
A few of the search strings that brought people here over the past week, and what we think they mean. Remember: Gossip is what people want to know more about.
• barack obama drug addiction: Give Alan Keyes's campaign manager a raise!
• jenna bush michael phelps: But he's not old enough to drink!
• Michelle Malkin gay marriage: Congratulations! Which one of you gets to wear the dress?
• Gang of 500: The Note is fucking Jessica Cutler. Obviously.
Found on Craigslist, apologizing in advance:
Dear Self:Jenna writes pretty well for a state school grad, no?I am writing you in advance of this evening’s happenings; because I am convinced tomorrow I will be too hung over to apologize. And its not that I wouldn’t apologize, because I would, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I will be doing one of several things including, but not limited to:
- Hanging my head over the toilet….both in sickness and in shame.
- Lying in bed groaning, desperately trying to think of yet another excuse to call out of work on Friday, even though everyone knows it was because I went out drinking and not because my basement flooded for the 4th time this month.
- Waking up at 6am in some strange boy’s place, silently repeating “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” in my head as I attempt to stealthily gather all my clothing without waking what’s-his-name.
- Least likely, but possible, I may actually be at work. The misery that I would endure if this was to happen is too great to fathom. I am cotton mouthed and nauseous simply thinking about it.
An open letter to myself: preemptive apology for future actions [Craigslist]
• Reliable Source: Kerry likes Zeta-Jones, Marilyn Monroe, calls Charlize Theron " pretty extraordinary," advises men look for a "woman who loves being a woman. Who wears her womanhood.". . . Teresa: "I'm sure there will be stories that I've given birth to children from Mars. . . You know, there are a lot of bored people out there.". . . Rumsfeld attends three-hour ballet in Russia. [WP]
• Rush & Molloy: Broadway actors, specifically the gay ones, asked by group to call in sick during convention to protest marriage ban. . . Hatch on Teresa: "She's nuts. She's crazy, but I like her." [NYDN]
• Lloyd Grove's Lowdown: Kerry flies hairstylist Isabelle Goetz from D.C. to Oregon. [NYDN]
• Bush announces troop redeployment; one-third of service members overseas to be relocated. Move could up support among military families; veterans expect strong turnout. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT, USAT]
• Veterans' memories of Kerry turn political; Harkin calls anti-Kerry ad "cowardly," says Bush and Cheney are "running scared." [LAT, LAT]
• MoveOn ad rebuts claims of swift boat veterans, questions Bush's service, and asks Bush to "take that ad off the air." [WP, USAT]
• Fresh BC04 ad attacks Kerry's record on intelligence. [LAT]
AIM: tipwonk
Disclaimer
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"Gossipy, raunchy, potty-mouthed." [New York Times]
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[Richard Leiby]
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[The Nation]
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"Wonkette's arrival on the steps of the Capitol is a quiet victory for creeping National Enquirer values." [Christian Science Monitor]
"[H]er enthusiasm for penis jokes cannot be as great as her blog suggests"
[Jack Shafer]
"A pre-menopausal Lucianne Goldberg"
[Reason]
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