(2004-08-20) -- While his battle against his former swift boat comrades raged on, Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry learned today he will have to fight a two-front political war as yet another anti-Kerry group prepared to release a book and TV ads to challenge the candidate's version of events in his life.

'Senate Page Veterans for Truth' (SPVT), a coalition of 254 people who used to carry messages around the Senate floor, announced the publication of Empty Desk: The Senate Career of John F. Kerry.

"We're not accusing Kerry of lying or being a bad leader or even dramatizing injuries," said an unnamed spokesman for SPVT. "We're saying, 'We couldn't deliver messages to him, because he wasn't really there.' It was Christmas in Cambodia all over again."

The Kerry campaign immediately filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission and Amazon.com to block the ads and the book.

"My time at that senate desk is seared....seared in my memory, and on my dorsal regions," said Mr. Kerry. "This is clearly part of George Bush's plot to suggest that I wasn't really a senator, just because I have no major legislative accomplishments. Well, at least I was elected a U.S. Senator--which is more than Mr. Bush can say."

(2008-08-20) -- Senator Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, does not pose an immediate threat to the security of the American homeland and he should be allowed to board commercial airliners, according to a statement from Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge.

The Massachusetts politician complained recently that he had been prevented from boarding planes because his name is similar to an alias used by a man on a government "watch list."

"We do not, at this time, view Sen. Ted Kennedy as an immediate threat to the safety and security of America," said Mr. Ridge. "We continue to seek the whereabouts of another man--Mohammad Tehdi al-Kennedy, who has ties to the al Qaeda terror network."

Mr. Ridge added that, "although the Senator and his party seek the overthrow of the current administration and preach a radical doctrine that would decimate the American economy, we have no hard evidence that he's linked directly to any foreign groups that would celebrate those outcomes."

(2004-08-19) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today charged President George Bush with using surrogates to "do his dirty work" by distributing excerpts from the Congressional Record which chronicle Sen. Kerry's accomplishments in the Senate.

The one-page document details all the significant legislation Mr. Kerry has written during the past two decades, including his major healthcare reform initiatives and measures that strengthened America's intelligence capabilities against terrorists.

"I know that I accomplished much more than this," said Mr. Kerry as he waved the single sheet of paper. "In fact, my achievements as a champion of significant legislation are seared in my memory. George Bush is using surrogates to do his dirty work because he doesn't have the courage to stand up in public and say 'John Kerry didn't do much as a senator.'"

At a news conference this morning, President Bush was asked what he thought of Mr. Kerry's record of accomplishment in the Senate.

Mr. Bush responded, "I'll get back to you on that. I started reading it last week and I'm only halfway down the page."

(2004-08-18) -- After rebuffing a peace delegation from Baghdad yesterday, revered Islamic leader Muqtada al-Sadr today continued to lead "intense theological studies" within the walls of Najaf's Imam Ali Shrine, Shia Islam's holiest place.

"The men are really cracking the books in here," said an unnamed spokesman for Mr. Al-Sadr. "After all, this is a holy place for the religion of peace, so most of our time is spent in prayer and studying the Koran. We have quite a stockpile of what we call 'theological supplies' and we're devoted to practical application of our theology."

Meanwhile, U.S. and Iraqi military forces continued to provide "complimentary sighting and range-finding services" to the young theologians in the mosque.

(2004-08-16) -- President George Bush today announced that the United States would begin "drawing down" its military forces in Germany, signaling the impending end of the U.S. occupation of post-Third Reich Germany and thus the official end of World War II.

"The dictator is gone and it's time for the German people to chart their own course," said Mr. Bush. "Their land is now safe for democracy and our mission is accomplished."

Meanwhile, Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry said he would have voted to give authority to the president to remove troops from Germany, "but I oppose the way the president is going about it."

"It's good that the dictator is gone, and that World War II is over" said Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator, "but does the president have a plan to win the peace?"

(2004-08-16) -- New Jersey Governor James McGreevey, who last week admitted that he is an "adulterous gay American" today told a packed news conference that his wife, Dina, is "a male American."

"Despite the fact that she gave birth to our first child in December 2001, I can assure you that my wife is a male American," the governor said. "This should reassure everyone of my status as a gay American, and will silence the shameful gossip that I'm somehow not a fully-gay American."

The announcement is part of the "serious work of transition" that Mr. McGreevey said he's rushing to complete in the 91 days before his resignation takes effect on November 15. Insiders say that additional transitional announcements are forthcoming.

Mr. McGreevey said his wife has struggled with her maleness throughout her life, and especially during childbirth.

The governor added, "I can remember her--I mean him--screaming through the contractions, 'How can this be happening to me?' It took a lot of counseling after that for my wife to come to terms with her maleness, just as I have made peace with my adulterous gayness."

When asked about the sexual identity of his first wife, the governor said, "We're pretty sure she was a male American too, but that announcement will come later in the transition process. We're taking a serious, deliberate approach to ensure the stability of government in New Jersey. We must not hurry through the people's business."

(2004-08-13) -- Iraqi Islamic theologian Muqtada al Sadr, whose Friday prayers have stirred the Muslim faithful to perform many deeds of mercy in the name of Allah, today said he would "negotiate to the last drop of blood" with Iraqi government forces who have surrounded Shia Islam's holiest shrine.

Iraqi and U.S. troops today halted offensive operations in Najaf pending the outcome of talks with Mr. Al Sadr.

"I will be heading to the negotiating table with fire in my belly to engage in sharp diplomacy on behalf of the God of peace," said Mr. Al Sadr through an interpreter. "If necessary, I'm willing to die in negotiations for the glory of Allah. My name shall be added to the long roll call of Muslim statesmen."

(2008-08-13) -- New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey, who thrilled Democrats nationwide with his announcement that he's an adulterous homosexual American, today called his extramarital affair "a badge of honor comparable to President Clinton's impeachment."

"It is a badge of honor, but I don't want people to think of me as the first openly-gay adulterous governor," said Mr. McGreevey. "I want to be viewed as an adulterer who happens to be a governor who happens to be gay."

Mr. McGreevey spent the day after his announcement arranging all the details of his transition out of the governor's office--a process that will occupy almost every hour of the next 94 days.

"I'm pouring all of my efforts into ensuring that the government of New Jersey does not collapse into utter chaos because of a hasty transition," he said. "I spent most of this morning reviewing my packing-tape options. It's grueling work, but I'm devoting meticulous attention to it for the good of the people of the Garden State. It will be a challenge to meet the November 15 deadline, but I gave my word, so you know what that means."

(2004-08-12) -- Civil rights activists nationwide celebrated today's announcement by New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey that he is "a gay adulterous American."

Mr. McGreevey, standing next to his wife, told a packed news conference he had feelings even as a child that he was "different".

"I've been in the closet for many years," he said, "but I'm proud to finally come out and say that I was born a gay adulterer and I have finally embraced who I am."

The governor, who will resign November 15, said he plans to devote himself to lobbying for equal rights for men who cheat on their wives by having homosexual affairs with their subordinates at work.

"It's a civil rights issue," said Mr. McGreevey. "It's about granting freedom and justice to adulterous gay employers who just want to be themselves with their employees."

(2004-08-12) -- In the wake of a California Supreme Court decision to annul 4,000 homosexual marriage licenses granted in San Francisco early this year, realtors in California have been flooded with calls from people looking for new homes.

"My gay clients are desperately seeking separate living quarters," said one unnamed realtor. "Now that the sacred bond of matrimony has been broken by the state, they want to protect their reputations as moral citizens by living separately. None of them want to be seen as 'shacking up' or engaging in extramarital physical intimacy."

The realtor said that the word 'marriage' has "deep meaning to these folks, and they're moving apart to protect this institution which is the bedrock of our society. They're committed to avoiding even a hint of immorality."

(2004-08-12) -- Just hours after the California Supreme Court annulled 4,000 homosexual marriage licenses granted earlier this year by the City of San Francisco, Mayor Gavin Newsom annulled the state supreme court.

"I find the court to be invalid," said Mr. Newsom, "I'm taking this action on the same principle under which I overruled existing law, and the so-called will of the people, by granting homosexual marriage licenses. History will vindicate me as the man who understood that the law is what I make it."

The mayor has not yet declared martial law but said "all options remain on the table."

(2004-08-11) -- Former President Bill Clinton today charged the Bush administration with "plagiarism of ideas" and offered as evidence a 1998 speech Mr. Clinton made to explain his order to bomb Iraq.

"If you read the text of my speech, you'll see that President Bush lifted practically all of my reasons for attacking Iraq and used them as his own," said Mr. Clinton. "I was the one who said Saddam Hussein must be stopped before he used chemical, biological and nuclear weapons. If you read the papers today, you might think that Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld just made that up out of whole cloth."

Mr. Clinton indicated his willingness to graciously receive an apology and overdue royalty payments from Mr. Bush.

(2004-08-11) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry told a crowd of supporters that Americans should be able to "shop internationally" for the best deals on educating their children.

The remark comes just hours after Mr. Kerry demanded that the Bush administration open U.S. borders to foreign-made prescription drugs.

"I call on the president to get out of the way of Americans being able to import elementary and secondary schools from Mexico, Canada, and other developing nations," said Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator.

The National Education Association (NEA) has long resisted such a policy change, claiming concerns about quality. But Mr. Kerry scoffed at that reasoning.

"It's a specious argument concocted by Republicans and their cronies in the National Education Cabal...I mean, Association," said Mr. Kerry, drawing laughter and applause from the Democrat party faithful on the word "cabal."

Under the Kerry proposal, parents could import an entire foreign school staff to run their local public school.

When challenged by reporters to respond to the new Kerry proposal, White House spokesman Scott McClellan asked, "Which part of this proposal is new?"

(2004-08-09) -- Hans Blix, the former chief weapons inspector for the United Nations, has agreed to serve as chief monitor of U.S. elections on behalf of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE), however Mr. Blix said he needs more time to do the job right.

"November is just around the corner," said Mr. Blix, , "My European team will need much more time than that to be ready. We'll need six-to-nine months just to discover if there are, in fact, elections in the United States."

The selection of Mr. Blix to lead the monitoring team was a condition demanded of the OSCE by U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, who developed a close relationship with Mr. Blix during the runup to the Iraq war.

"We want Hans Blix to take as much time as he needs to get the result he wants," said Mr. Powell. "Gone are the days when elections have to be one-day events. The important thing is that America regain the legitimacy it had, for example, during the Carter administration."

(2004-08-09) -- At the invitation of the U.S. State Department, a contingent of democracy experts from Europe will monitor all votes in Congress starting in September, according to a spokesman for the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE).

"Our monitors will focus on reducing fraud, and the disenfranchisement of the American citizen," said the unnamed OSCE spokesman. "The way voting is done in the U.S. Senate and House opens the door to corruption, strong-arm tactics and other stains on the garment of democracy."

Secretary of State Colin Powell said the presence of European voting monitors in Congress "will help to lift our constitutional republic to the heights achieved by the governments of France, Germany and Italy. It is our invitation to come out from under the cloak of national sovereignty and join in the bond of trust shared by the interdependent community of modern nations."