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An ambitious peasant overcompensates for his humble origins.
He is assisted by: ~epw, professional badass; Aaron, his man in Japan; Adam, Drunken Master; Rachel, Muse; Martin, still undercover in England; Randy Brown, Prison Doctor; Kevin, Cave Gentleman, and Simon, the one true overmind. All death threats, complaints, and other communications direct to: kikuchiyo-*-at-*-gmail.com Kikuchiyo News is maintained by a Kikuchiyo Translations:
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Michael McManus is a Fundamentalist Christian
McManus, AKA Stephen Baldwin, is a fundamentalist Christian nowadays. Example? I oblige: "I'm here to try to support faith-based politics," he said. He declined to name his candidate of choice, saying only that "I'm going to vote for the guy who will truly be led by God." If you are not yet terrified, let me remind you of the psycology behind this man: Old McDonald had a farm, ee-aye, ee-aye, oh. And on this farm he shot some guys. Ba-da-bip, ba-da-bing, bang-boom In light of this, the KN would like to make a statement on the part of the editor: Dear Mr. McManus, I agree with whatever you say. I will also vote for the guy who will be truly led by God. I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I would vote for the godless heathen murderer puppy-hater and general sinner John Kerry. Sincerely, -Kikuchiyo. NOTE: This message is in effect for so long as I am not sure that Kaiser Soze supports Kerry. In that case, this letter will be heavily redacted for security purposes, and potentially modified. Monday, August 30, 2004
Oh lordy!
The Dying Bastard has robbed you of what weekend blogging might otherwise have come down the pipe from me. That said, I'm not the only person who posts here. Surely we can do better, ladies and gentlemen, than we have this week. Er, maybe not. But I'll try to be better. Please understand that I'm working around 14 hours a day at this point. Thursday, August 26, 2004
Quote of the Day
Virginia could become the Las Vegas of gay divorces. I don't mean to be too off-topic, but as a resident of Virginia with an interest in real estate, could I have some on-site luxury casinos and nearby houses of ill repute to go with those divorces? Just asking. Thursday, August 19, 2004
Where the hell am I?
5:45 AM: Wondering why I am alive at this time in the morning. 7:10 AM: Oxford Rail Station Followed by: Radley Culham Appleford Didcot Parkway Cholsey Wallingford Goring & Streatly Pangbourne Tilehurst Reading Twyford Maidenhead Slough Ealing Broadway London Paddington Station 8:30 AM: Shuffling around in a suit, in a sea of other people in suits. Basically, I am a member of a huge herd of penguins marching into the tube station. 9:00 AM: Work. 8:00 PM: Shuffling around in a suit like a single penguin who has strangely found himself at Bond street station in london, and who is surrounded by people who are dressed perfectly normally. 8:30 PM: London Paddington Station Ealing Broadway Slough Maidenhead Twyford Reading Tilehurst Pangbourne Goring & Streatly Wallingford Cholsey Didcot Parkway Appleford Culham Radley 9:45 PM: Oxford Rail Station 10:00 PM: Rinse. Prepare to repeat. The good news is that so far the job is enjoyable, though I'm still getting a feel for things. When will I be back behind the keyboard with regularity? Who knows? Will I be back behind the keyboard with regularity at all? As long as I can twitch my pudgy little fingers. Brave Hero Leader! Where are You?
Brave Hero Leader! Where Are You?
Saturday, August 14, 2004
What I Learned From the Iraq Insurgency (First in a Series)
It turns out that Sid Meier's Civilization games were right: unde the right circumstances, a pikeman unit can defeat a tank unit. Wednesday, August 11, 2004
AVF vs. The Draft
Among teenagers, 55 percent say young Americans will be required to serve in the military, up from 45 percent last year, according to "The State of Our Nation's Youth," an annual survey by the Horatio Alger Association.... Pentagon leaders and numerous generals and admirals have said it should not be resumed because the volunteer military is more efficient. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!Efficiency will never convince any military commander of the superiority of the AVF over the draft. The plain truth of the matter is that with today's equipment, the AVF would make mince meat of any drafted force; generals want to maximize deadliness, not taxpayer surplus. Sleep tight, kiddies. Friday, August 06, 2004
The not-so-sweet sound of silence...
It seems that all is quiet on the Kikuchiyo front. At least, it's silent at 4:48 AM, MST. I would like to reassure our readers that posting from the brains of the operation will continue soon, but I am only the Drunken Master, and have no say in these things. On an up-note, I should be a stringer for a automotive trade journal in the near future. More money for tattoos! w00t! ~A. Sunday, August 01, 2004
B3ta Pick
Ghostdude's Xanga Site hates Rob Manuel. The review is long. The comments are inane. The homophobia is shocking. The point is missed. Thursday, July 29, 2004
spontaneous human combustion
spontaneous human combustion You know you want to read about SHC, it's a great urban legend. And with text like this, To cremate a human body requires a temperature of 1600 degrees Fahrenheit for about two hours."* To get a chemical reaction in a human body which would lead to ignition would require some doing. If the deceased had recently eaten an enormous amount of hay that was infested with bacteria, enough heat might be generated to ignite the hay, but not much besides the gut and intestines would probably burn. Or, if the deceased had been eating the newspaper and drunk some oil, and was left to rot for a couple of weeks in a well-heated room, his gut might ignite. How could you not want to read on? Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Super Astute Political Commentary, Part 1: President Flip-Flop
For months, the GOP has been engaged in a relentless campaign to portray John Kerry as a vacillating flip-flopper, and the media has been only too happy to go along with it. But what about George Bush's record of reversals? In the 1970's, Bush loved alcohol. He couldn't get enough of it. He drank it every day. Now, he says he doesn't drink at all! He says he prefers Jesus to drinking! How can America trust a man who can't make up his mind on something he does every day? Which is it, Mr. President, alcoholism or prayer? Huh?! Huh?! I thought so. Tuesday, July 27, 2004
New Waits Album
A good way to waste a weekend.
I would suggest checking on the linup for this. If you are able to attend, the plan so far is for ~epw and I to be in attendance, but we'll have to see about that. If you're out of the country, it sucks to be you. ~A. Saturday, July 24, 2004
The Blind leading the Opticians
It is generally poor form for me to offer musical advice. When it comes to what KN readers ought to spin on their CD or Record players, or which concerts they should strive to attend, it is best to defer to the judgement of our other contributors. The reason for this is that other contributors sometimes listen to artists who began releasing albums in the present decade. Also, other contributors have better taste than I, and are not the subject of Grand Jury investigations. Usually. That said, on our recent trip home I was playing some songs on the porch of Randal Brown, Country Doctor's residence, and I wondered if anyone would like to hear some Tom Waits songs. The response was, shockingly, that most people had not sampled the wares of Mr. Waits. That's a damn shame, because listening to Tom Waits is wonderful. Before I present lyrical excerpts and commentary to argue for this conclusion, let me say that the most eloquent defense of this position is the amount of work that a devoted fan has put into creating this incredible site. Aside from presenting deeply fanatical fans as evidence of Tom's Greatness, I'll explain why I'm a fan. Probably the first reason is that I'm a guy who needs lots and lots of lyrics that I can listen to and memorize and (because of my limited vocal and instrumental skills) perform over and over to feel a real connection to a band. That's why I enjoy Hank Williams, and Portishead (sadly, not on the playlist for obvious reasons), and Leonard Cohen, and other acts that seem to spend a lot of time chewing pencils to get the words right. Tom Waits writes damn interesting words. Sometimes, they are straightforward and do a nearly Hank-Williams-Level (this is the highest level, for the unschooled) job on a song that's been done a thousand times. Witness: from the "Blood Money" album, the following song: Another Man's Vine At other times, he does a damn good job of living up to the description of himself as "like Allen Ginsberg with a really good band." In one notable case, he actually did write some music to which ol' Al read "America", if that's your kind of thing. For an actual Waits sample, here's lyrics from a song on "Nighthawks at the Diner," which was released 27 years before "Blood Money": Emotional Weather Report Even if you're not into the longer stretches of Waits lyrics, the man should be commended for some fabulous one liners. The man is a modern-day Yogi Berra. Proof? A few quotations from here: "There's a place down the street; Seven Xs. What does that mean? Maybe it's... girls without skin." And of course, perhaps TW's most famous line: "There ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk." So: the fellow writes good words, and this ought to be a sufficient inducement for you to listen to some of his albums. Of course, you might wonder what the actual music sounds like. And? It doesn't sound like you would expect it to. Even after hearing nearly every song Waits has ever done, I've decided not to develop any pre-conception about what kind of music he'll use on a track I haven't heard. I mean, a Tom Waits song might be a sea-chantey-sounding-thing, or it might rely on honky-tonk guitar. Some songs sound like Brecht or Sondheim, and some sound like a terminal lung cancer patient vainly attempting to cure himself by painfully spitting out readings of Ed Gein's diary. That last bit-- the disgusting part about the concer patient-- is one thing to bear in mind about listening to this stuff. The tracks are almost universally very cinematic, but quite a few of the most recent ones are screening Evil Dead II. They are still funny, and still have great words, but they aren't the kind of thing that you'd want in the tape deck while you give the boss a ride to work. I'm ashamed at the poor job I've done of talking up Tom Waits, but I seriously hope that my inability to recommend music doesn't keep you from checking out some of his albums. Also, if anyone hears of him showing up in concert, please let me know. Beltway Gets Bigger
Hiatus still in effect... busy leaving Japan. However, a joyful message toshare with the penguin in the beltway. I shall soon be joining you in the sweaty nation's capital. I am the latest addition to Georgetown's Graduate School of Foreign Service. See you on the Metro... Diana Memorial a cruel metaphor for Monarchy
In the sense, that is, that it appears to be an expensive and slightly dangerous white elephant that sounds impressive until you've actually seen that it's a bit dumpy in person. Seriously: take it off your list of things to see in London. Can I be deported for that? God save the queen. I didn't mean it. Another Good BBC radio program
People have to talk for a minute on a randomly given topic-- such as cheese rolling, or second thoughts-- without repeating a word or hesitating. It's funny. Would also make a tricky drinking game. Thursday, July 22, 2004
Kikuchiyo Translations Service Presents...
Scott McClellan v. The Press. Again. July 21 Q: Speaking of things that didn't come to your attention, the Attorney General has testified that the after action report from the millennium 2000 terror threats was not brought to the administration's attention before 9/11. So does the administration share the view of some on Capitol Hill, that what Mr. Berger was doing might not have been inadvertent, might have been, in gathering up these copies of this report, aimed at preventing some embarrassment? KIKUCHIYO: Man, you guys are good. I mean, only a few weeks ago it looked like you were a bunch of lying liars whose cruel war-mongering senselessly drove a nation to war. Now it is clear that you were telling the truth the entire time, and that the appearance of impropriety resulted only because—as we might have expected—an Clinton administration heavy was meddling about with the administration. Wow. I’ve got to stop reading the New York Times. MR. McCLELLAN: Well, this is an ongoing criminal investigation that has been going on, apparently, for several months. And we believe it's best to direct those questions to the Department of Justice, they're the ones that are overseeing this investigation, and that's our stance. KIKUCHIYO: We wanted to wait until November, but we’re very pleased to have disrupted the Kerry campaign just before the convention and the commission report. Also, have you noticed that Richard Clarke turns out to be completely full of s**t? We thought that it was quite a nice touch, although frankly we’re just as shocked as you are to find it out. Q: But aren't you concerned, as some Republicans on Capitol Hill have expressed that they are? KIKUCHIYO: Would you care to further implicate Bill Clinton’s administration in the failure to prevent 9/11? MR. McCLELLAN: Well, there's an investigation going on and they're looking into all these matters, and we need to let the investigation proceed. KIKUCHIYO: No, we would prefer to stick it to Kerry. Stick it right in the ring, if you know what I mean. Maybe twist it a bit. Q: Was anyone at the White House aware of this investigation prior to this week? KIKUCHIYO: Enough of this love fest. You two are disgusting. Admit that you scheduled the leak to the last second in a cold political manipulation that Josh Marshall has intelligently identified as yet another wanton abuse of executive power. MR. McCLELLAN: Actually, I'm glad you asked that question, because I first became aware when the news reports came out. But my understanding is that this investigation has been going on for several months and that some officials in our Counsel's Office were contacted, as part of the investigation. Because, if you'll remember, the Counsel's Office is the one that is coordinating with the September 11th Commission the production of documents. And since this relates to some documents, the Counsel's Office was contacted as part of that investigation. KIKUCHIYO: I will enjoy evading this line of questioning, because it’s both easy to evade and because asking the question makes you people look incredibly desperate. At any rate, here is my uninteresting explanation of how the administration managed to know about the investigation, as well some lingering silence in the place where I ought to deny that we leaked it to the press. Q: Yes, but who else knew? Did the President know? Did the Chief of Staff know? KIKUCHIYO: I don’t know why I even try with you sometimes. MR. McCLELLAN: Well, what I know is that a few individuals in the Counsel's Office were contacted. I first became aware of it yesterday. I'll do some -- if I have any further information, I'll be glad to get that information to you. KIKUCHIYO: I don’t know either. Have a nice life, dipwad. Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Teenagers are Ruined
Glenn Reynolds keeps on pointing out that teenagers have completely gone to crap and are refusing to behave in the fashion that nearly got many of us killed during our adolescent years. For some reason, Dr. R seems to think that these profoundly disturbing trends-- falling crime, drug use, and teen pregnancy-- are evidence of some kind of improvement among the teenage population. That's bulls**t. There are other trends that people are pointing out as positive, and that equally clearly belong in the negative column. For instance, G.H.R.'s article refers to a TCS article which I will excerpt: Violence, drug use and teen sex have declined. Kids are becoming more conservative politically and socially. They want to get married and have large families. And, get this, they adore their parents. What we can see in these survey results is a generation of teenage children who we, the generation preceding them, will have to radically re-educate when they rise to adulthood and become our wage-slaves, research assistants, and even our colleagues and superiors. It will be a generation who, robbed of the experience of an argument escalating from mere words to (say) Adam smashing their skull into a slab of concrete or a nice bit of hardwood, will be impaired in tense social interactions. The failure of today's kids to partake in drugs and sex will make the world of employment seem unduly unfair and cruel, as they will not be accustomed to the exogenous rate of separation from the peer group caused by teenage drug use and pregnancy which prepared the rest of us to be capriciously laid off, denied tenure, and otherwise smacked in the head by market forces. Kids are becoming politically and socially conservative? Get a helmet, folks. Seriously. This is bad new regardless of your political leanings. Why? Because, conservative or not, these people are still teenagers and they will eventually lash out against the world. Old fashioned liberal teenager lashing out was annoying and kind of destructive, but basically harmless. Like other pointless and misguided efforts by well intentioned but possibly muddled liberals to assert themselves, in our day the kind of "lashing out" that you could expect was a long speech railing against some straw bogey-man in spite of audience booing. Like that Mike Moore thing at the Oscars. That's a liberal lashing out. That, or maybe a sex-pistols-esque act of impersonal and random violence, or a particularly serious reading of Manufacturing Consent or something. It's almost cute. How will conservative teens lash out? I don't know, but I'm terrified. Why? Analogies. The Clinton administration was around for eight years, and they just took a random swipe at an aspirin factory and dropped some misguided bombs in a region full of small countries with hard to pronounce names. In three years, George Bush managed to more or less level two countries that we'd actually heard of before he came into office. You don't want to be the authority figure in the crosshairs when socially conservative teens get pissed. Prohibition will be back or something. Big families? Who is going to explain to these kids that they can't afford to have more than one or two kids, and that if they do have more than two kids they're simply putting them in danger of serious psychological trauma because the odds are that one of the two working parents will be laid off from their job or shot (by someone born around 1979) and the traumatized remnants of the family will end up in Rio Rancho living off food stamps? Who wants to give that explanation? Don't call on me. I refuse to even explain Rio Rancho. The saddest part of all is the thing about family problems, of course. How are teens supposed to adapt to life without the family problems that plagued our generation? What kind of negotiating skills would you develop if your parents had a pleasant and amicable divorce, or even (and apparently this is now legally permissible) a relatively smooth marriage? Why would we deprive kids of the useful sneaking-around experience that comes from evading the constant snooping of cranky and superstitious parents attempting to prove allegations of teenage drug-use and sex? Most importantly of all, how are people expected to make the transition from childhood to adulthood without ever first concluding that: no-one cares about anyone else, we are all on our own, and much of society (and important bits of biology and physics) appears to be a conspiracy to single out and ruin gentle and kind-hearted individual teenagers? I mean, as I recall it it's only after you've reached a real nadir of melodramatic teenage despair that the future starts looking OK-- as in "Life is crap for me, and I will probably fail out of school and be a failure, but at least I don't have raging diverticulitis that causes blood to pour from my anus without warning." It seems pointless to continue, because it's obvious that some people have been conviced that the upcoming generation of conservative teenagers is a moral and political boon to society and the world. I assume that this is because those people are conservative (or maybe they just write for TCS for some other reason), and are possessed of the misguided notion that the true sign that you've got the right political beliefs is when all the hip kids in the Junior year agree with you. It's a guess. I find it-- what's Josh Marshall's term for something he just wishes would go away because it interferes with his worldview?-- inexplicable. I personally always thought that conservatives got lots of mileage out of the "aren't you grown up enough to be a conservative by now," type of angle, but clearly I'm not only young and immature but also completely wrong about ideological tactics here. Sigh. Welcome back to blogging, Kikuchiyo. Monday, July 19, 2004
The Aeroplane Over the Sea
Preparing to make the arduous journey from Philadelphia to Providence for the conference of the Society of Historians of the Early American Republic (SHEAR), I sought the lowest fare for my passage. My researches have brought to my attention the following: Sky High Airlines-- Now featuring flights to T or C, New Mexico! (This actually appears to be some kind of front for Alaskan Airlines,which really has no business making fun of NM...) Skynet-- It sadly appears that John Connor has failed. Skynet is fully operational, and evidently the "Irish Airline Designated for Flight Between Ireland and Russia." Keep this in mind when making your future travel plans. The Onion: Aint what is used to be
This is just awful. What the hell happened to the onion? And since when is cruel and senseless attacking of Bill Maher funny? Did they hire Ari while we were looking the other direction or something? We're not all dead, I swear!
To all the readers of KN that are not teh posters, I am simply here to reassure you that we are not all dead and that posting will resume shortly. Professional badass, ~epw Friday, July 16, 2004
I really will be back eventually...
It's just that I've been doing... stuff. Like smoking cessation. Also, as the time of this post may indicate, I've given in to the jetlag and started just staying up the night. Will have to stop it soon, but it sure does get quiet at 4:00... Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Lincoln Country, NM...
...of the Lincoln county war, and thus also of Billy the Kid fame, is in the news. Sheriff Tom Sullivan believes that he's seen the worst homicide ever in the county. Unless there's something missing in this (admittedly tragic) story, Tom Sullivan has no idea about the kind of crimes that have been committed in Lincoln county. Funnier than Bush
This is funny as hell. Maybe I'm just drunk, but it's funny. You can go here to convert any website into pornospeak. Go porn! ~A. This is probably funnier. Mostly because I hate Rupert and everything he stands for. To hell with the Sun. O'Niell's, Monday.
A quick tally of the evening. Out of shape David Bowie lookalikes = 2 Joe Brown (PhD in Fun, NYC) lookalikes: 1 Drunken Barflies: 13 Kegs of Hazed and Infused floated by the Burque branch of KN: 6 Pints consumed tonight: 5, so far. Cigarettes smoked: 6, so far. Drunken Englishmen: 1 Napoleon References: 0. Tonight a member of the KN staff has been imortalized as one of the "top ten" of O'Niell's pub glass owners. Glass number eight now reads "TIKIPRIEST". Refer to earlier post on the nature of Democracy, Whiskey, and Sexy for more info. ~A. UPDATE: Pints consumed now well over 11, satisfying teh[sic] Spinal Tap quotient for the evening. Monday, July 12, 2004
And behind curtain number two...
On an unrelated note, I decided to check out Mozilla's hot shit new browser, FireFox. After a couple of days evaluation, I think it's the best thing to happen to the web since html. All the functionality of Mozilla, but with a happy new interface that may cause spontaneous smiling. And a built-in box for Googling things. And custom skins. And if you ask it nicely, I'm sure it will beat up a homeless guy for you. It's that cool. All "shiny new toy" ranting aside, you gotta check this out. Go here for the free download. ~A. Saturday, July 10, 2004
Second day home...
...and after sleeping for nearly 14 hours in an effort to recover from our recent flurry of activity, we've risen to dicover that apparently the weather doesn't seem to change here during the summer (as was advertised). Except that there is lightning together with the downpour. Weak. Friday, July 09, 2004
Home again
Rachel and I have returned from Southern California to Oxford. Both of us had a wonderful time visiting our friends back home, so thanks again to everyone who came up to see us. As an interesting side note: absent from England for three weeks, I had not a single sip of tea, nor the desire to partake of the taste of dried leaves soaked in sugar-water and diluted by milk (squirted out of a cow). Back in England for one evening, and I awake at 4:00 AM desperately wanting tea. There is something wrong with this country. Monday, July 05, 2004
Flames, Flames on the Side of My Face
From the "liberal" NYT today, in an article about securrity fears at the national conventions: "New York is regarded as a higher risk than Boston by counterterrorism officials because President Bush is a Republican and because of consistent intelligence" WTF? There's nothing in the article to suggest that militant Islamic theocrats are any better disposed toward decadent, capitalist American Democrats than toward decadent, capitalist American Republicans. Nothing. And yet this sentence suggests exactly that: that Al'Qaeda is somehow only opposed to the stand-up leadership of the GOP. The decline of our national press corps into cruel joke status continues unabated. |