I could not have imagined a more perfect Christmas. Surrounded by the people I love most, wrapped in the warmth of giving and receiving, blessed with safety, prosperity, and health (for the most part), I got everything I wanted this holiday season. It kind of put things in perpective, the minor annoyances that have been worrying my head these past couple months. Sure, I'm not thrilled with my job situation, but at least I have the ability and desire to work. Sure, I struggle with insecurity in my fledgling relationship, but at least I have someone to sleepily whisper to me, "I love you," as Christmas night is deepening. Sure, I'm not exactly where I'd hoped I would be at this stage in my life, but I'm blessed with a loving family, good friends, and the promise of a future that may not line up exactly with the timeline in my head, but still can fulfill all my hopes and dreams in the fullness of time.

2003, for me, is broken in thirds. The first third was awful, devastating; it left me doubting I'd ever get warm again. The second, beginning on my birthday, April 1, was a period of healing, of knitting together the rips in my self and figuring out how to avoid putting myself out there for more hurt, while still leaving myself open to connecting with others. The third part of the year began when I gave up the idea that I can hold part of myself back, that I can be fully present with other people and still keep my guard up. When I let go of that impossible task, faced up to the reality of who I am, I became truly happy again. As the year is ending, I find myself in nearly the same place I was last year at this time; hopeful, unguarded, looking to the future. The difference, I think, is that I've made better choices this time around. Only time will tell, but, as always, I resolve to make 2004 the best year. The best.

Sigh

December 23, and as of six tonight I've finished my shopping, and as of a few minutes ago I've finished wrapping, packing, and otherwise getting ready to leave in the morning for parts east. Mike and I are heading to Kennewick for Christmas, and planning to return to Seattle Saturday morning so I can (purportedly) work Saturday and Sunday evenings.

It's been a busy couple weeks of parties, gift exchanges, secrets, spending, scheming...I do love the holiday season but I admit I'm ready to relax a bit. Looking forward to a few days en famille to unwind and recharge.

I'm going to stretch out on the couch and watch the end of "It's a Wonderful Life" with the kitties, then go crawl in bed, while visions of presentses dance in my head.

Merry Christmas, friends. Merry Christmas, family. Pax.

I've learned something this holiday season, something that has escaped me these past thirty Christmasses. My lights are weird. Out of the ordinary. When Mike came over to see my tree for the first time, he said "What's up with your lights? They're outdoor lights." Tis true, the lights I put on my tree (and always have) are the indoor/outdoor lights with the fat colored bulbs. Not the huge ones, the smaller ones. And that's how it was always done in my family. We always had fat colored lights on our tree, fat colored lights on my grandparents' tree, fat colored lights on the trees at my near relatives in the town where I grew up. I guess I didn't realize it wasn't the norm until just this year. Anthony (upstairs neighbor and fellow blogger) came down to fix the toilet and he commented on it, too. I guess, growing up, I failed to notice my friends' families didn't have bigass lights on their trees. But I like my big lights. They're unique. And they're part of my childhood Christmas memories.

(Yes, I know, I need to get a decent camera. Sorry for the blurry webcam shot.)

Seasons Greetings! {via Lee Lefever}

beth says:
i'm having the worst time coming up with a gift idea for my mom.
Icarus says:
grandchildren?
beth says:
dude.
Icarus says:
Sup?
beth says:
something i can do, you know, on my OWN.
beth says:
and in less than two weeks.
Icarus says:
Ahh. No idea then.

(I should add that a few minutes later he sent a link to GiftIdeasForMom.com. He's good people.)

Signs you're getting old...

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down their stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. Nowadays you don't know what time Taco Bell closes.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you..........and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass.

Damn. It.

Murphy's Law regarding my bus wait: A total of seven busses must pass in the opposite direction before one will come in the direction I need it to (specifically, the 3/4 line that runs by Swedish Hospital). This law is in effect regardless of which side of the street I'm stranded.

More bus: Overheard on the ride home "Ooh, tonight's Must See TV!" Come on, it hasn't been "must" see for a while now. After Friends goes buh-bye next year, it's going to be more like Maybe Can See, If There's Nothing Better On And I Don't Need A Nap.

I went up to Broadway to have pho for dinner, and as I passed a couple walking the opposite direction on the sidewalk the male component leaned a bit away from the female component and blew snotrockets in the general direction of the gutter. First one side, then the other. I didn't catch her expression. Suddenly, I wasn't so hungry.

I got a CD compilation in the mail from a good friend (albeit a ether one) in the midwest...I won't disclose the theme of this one (they always have a unifying theme) but it's funny how each new CD I receive matches my general mood to a "T". Last time it was "Hang Your Head and Cry: Songs of Love and Doubt."

I went to the first ever Seattle Webloggers White Elephant Potluck Christmas Party last night, hosted by the lovely Daymented. I was nursing a pretty nasty headache, so I left before the actual gift exchange, but I did finally score a copy of Matt's book, Things That Never Were. It's autographed, and slightly rain-spattered, and maybe someday it'll be worth lots of dough.

Right now, though, I'm working my way through Douglas Adams's Salmon of Doubt, a compilation of articles and other material posthumously culled from his computers.

I would like to go to Las Vegas now. Or somewhere warm. Please?

The party last night was, indeed, held at Union Station (thanks to Anita for the link), and it was a gorgeous place to hold a holiday fete. It was fairly formal (dress ranged from polo shirts and slacks to tuxedos and ballgowns, with Mike and me somewhere in the middle) and there was lots of great food and the bartenders were pouring generously. Actually, Mike looked great, and was sporting new threads, including a new jacket which I pronounced "Two shoulder straps away from a Members Only jacket" in the store, moments before he bought it. Oops. There were casino games set up at one end of the hall, and we were all given "$30,000" to play with. We fooled around with blackjack for a while (I've never played, and needed to learn the whole idea of doubling down, splitting, etc.), learned how to play "Let it Ride" and watched the craps tables a while. There was a DJ playing mostly 70's and 80's stuff, and the only couple dancing treated us to a bizzare modern interpretive dance to "Get Down On It" by Kool and the Gang. Around midnight the doorprizes had been distributed and the party was winding down, but we joined several other couples walking down to the Fenix Underground and danced until around two. As we were sitting outside waiting for everyone to come out, we got our picture taken by a guy with a digital camera and portable printer. I get hot when I dance, which explains why I look all glowy and mussed. Mike's cute, though, yeah?

Coupla links for your chuckling pleasure....
The End of the World (via Kate at Open Diary)
Go here to make your anonymous, cleansing confession (via I Don't Remember Where I Got This)
The Top 50 Quotes at the Quote Data Base (IRC chat chuckles, via Mike)
Radiohead: The Ballet (via Dan)
I have no news...not much happening...going to Mike's work Christmas party tonight, it's being held at the Seattle Train Station, which I can't picture as a party site but have no doubt will be a cool venue. I'm thinking I need some more coffee first, though...

It would appear that, unless I'm willing to pony up the cash on E*Bay, I'll have to wait until next year for a chance to try Jones Turkey and Gravy Soda. No, really, I want to try it. Really. {via Tim}

Here's a timewaster for all you children of the decade that brought us legwarmers, parachute pants, and Vanilla Ice: 80's Lyrics Quiz. I got an 85, I think, and much forehead-slapping occurred when the answers were revealed. Mike got something like 135. Font of useless knowledge, he is. {via Silflay Hraka, among others}

Go nurses! We, as a profession, are seen as the most ethical and honest, according to a Gallup Poll released yesterday. Sucks to be a car salesman, apparently, with only 7% of people surveyed ranking their ethics as "high" or "very high," compared with 83% of people putting nurses in those categories.

Latte is moving centimeters at a time trying to get onto my lap while I'm typing, as though if she moves slowly enough, I won't notice that she's shown up draped over the keyboard, purring away. Bruno, on the other hand, is curled up next to me, snoring away. I wonder if they make kitty CPAP?

Mike and I spent a good deal of time trying to get my bubble lights to bubble last night. Of the six lights in the string, one is broken (nasty hardwood floor episode a couple years back), two bubble, and three do not. We managed to get all but one of the lights going by repeatedly flicking them (resulting in sore fingernails), but by then it was close to eleven and we were tired and so did not get to enjoy the bubbling. Not surprisingly, today I've only got two bubbling.

I can't believe I just typed that paragraph.

Searches that have landed people on my site in the past two days include:

frasier apartment furniture
hey ya and outkast and story
joseph b. mccormick picture
quit smoking three weeks
road rage
rolling stones paint it black explained
salty dog crisps
samson don't cut your hair
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why are my eyebrows falling out
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zoe's ghost

Joseph B. McCormick? Que? Not surprisingly, my traffic has fallen off a bit in the past two months, I guess I need to write if I expect people to read.

It's feast or famine in the ol' baby business. I'm assured that the scheduling mishaps at work will no longer happen; however, there just aren't enough patients to go around lately, and I was cancelled from work Sunday evening and put on call this afternoon (for the first four hours of my shift). I'm sure the pendulum will swing soon, though...it always does. People will always have sex. That's job security for ya.