My friend Chip hates to wear a tie or speak in public--even the small, admiring public of his investor group. With deep reluctance Chip convened the annual partnership meeting this week to explain why his company's revenue has risen 40% this year, nearly doubling the bottom line, and how his young CFO could justify projections of similar results in the future. At least he didn't have to make lame excuses like these. Hemlock may lose a few extremities, if the Chairman's relatives ever discover his complicity in concealing S-Meg's mismanagement.

The smell of fear permeates Private Office at the top of S-Meg Tower this morning, as the company secretary, the company lawyer, the company gwailo, the company spotty accountant and some other company’s greasy auditor humbly submit the draft interim results announcement to the Big Boss for his majestic approval. Most companies in Hong Kong are reporting good earnings for the first half of 2004, and after the impact of SARS on profits in 2003, year-on-year improvements look doubly impressive. But not at S-Meg Holdings. Last year’s first-half result was dismal. The spotty bean counter employed exceptional creative flair to make the bottom line look closer to half-dismal. We then heaped blame upon the totally innocent killer virus, with all the righteous defiance of the Dongguan police sending Alex Ho off for re-education through labour.

Twelve months on, and the numbers are still dismal. But there is no pestilence to hold culpable, and the scrofulous accountant’s creative powers are exhausted. It has largely been left to me to craft an explanation that plausibly exonerates the management and leaves the world with the impression that the company’s visionary Chairman and Chief Executive is expertly steering S-Meg through a short rough patch to assured growth and prosperity – and is not a bumbling buffoon draining the family fortune through an inept, outdated approach to Canto-capitalist wheeling and dealing. “I am pleased to report to shareholders,” I read out, “that management has continued to overcome some serious external challenges during the last six months, during which time we have taken the opportunity to position the company for the significant opportunities that lie ahead.” The Big Boss nods silently as I pile the excuses on – intensely competitive environment … serious concerns about interest rates … a possible slowdown in China … the need to consolidate our position … the value we attach to prudence … the slowness of the markets … the dog that ate the homework … the fact that it won’t happen again next time, honest. It ends on a cheery note – “I therefore greatly look forward to reporting very healthy results for the full year.” No screaming, no spluttering, no fist banging on table, no embarrassing, hard-to-explain dismemberment of the auditor. Sighs of relief all round as we creep out of the office. That’s all over. For another six months.

And Chip thinks his meetings are stressful...