Ahead of the Curve

Not only ahead, but waaaay ahead. So far ahead we can look back and see everyone else just thinkin' about lookin' for the curve. When are you humans gonna' start catchin' up to we canines? No wonder Lassie had to resort to draggin' people out of the house by their clothes to save Little Timmy.

Today Mr. Minority finally points out the obvious--dogs (and their people) know who makes the best Alpha. I've been tryin' to tell you people that ever since I started bloggin'!

Canines know right up front which human is worth listening to, and it's not always the ones giving us treats and ear-scratches. We want respect. We want dignity. We want to be acknowledged as the intelligent, discriminating beings that we are. Refuse us and we'll whizz on your shoes. Political correctness is not in our vocabulary. You smell bad? Cover your balls, 'cause we're comin' for you.

And I told you about columnist Burt Prelutsky's prediction months ago.

"If you want to know who's going to emerge victorious, all you really need to do is find out how many people have cats living with them and how many have dogs. The cat people, I have decided, will go overwhelmingly for Kerry; the dog lovers will do the same for Bush."

Well, now do you believe me?! "Kerry gets bitten by a survey of dog owners."

"Asked which candidate they'd trust to walk Fido, dog owners favored Mr. Bush 51% to 37%. Asked which candidate would be better for their pooch's happiness, 44% favored Mr. Bush over 37% for Mr. Kerry. But perhaps more troublesome for the Democrat is what happened when participants were asked which dog breed they most closely associated with each candidate. For Mr. Bush, two breeds tied at 20% each: the Labrador retriever, the most popular family dog in America, and the Rottweiler, often used as a guard dog. As for Mr. Kerry, 15% associated him with Labs--but 14% picked a poodle (the poll didn't specify a French poodle).

"Beyond being just good fun, the poll results hint at a more serious political issue: trust and likablity. And while this is the first year the American Kennel Club conducted the poll, dogs have a long pedigree in American politics. Desperate to bolster his family credentials after the Monica-sex-scandal, Bill Clinton ran out and got Buddy, a chocolate Lab--the breed that polls indicated was the most beloved family dog."

And, sadly, as soon as Bubba didn't need him any more, Buddy was allowed to run unsupervised and was killed by a car.

"For his part, Mr. Bush is clearly a dog lover and is confident enough in his manhood to be seen carrying Barney, his Scottish terrier.

Kerry is obviously a cat person, but he's tryin' to fake it by ownin' a dog--just like Bubba Billy tried to do.

"It's not all bad news on the dog front for Mr. Kerry, however. Asked which breed they'd prefer to be the "First Dog," 51%-27% of dog owners picked German shepherd over Scottish terrier.

Hey, I can't help it if people are ignoramuses about the superiority of terriers. 'Course there's a Chow, a Rottie, and a couple of others out here who could tell 'em a thing or three.

"Maybe if Mr. Kerry brought his shepherd, Cym, on the stump with him, he could beat his poodle image."

French Poodles and German Shepherds… Seems to me I was just talkin' about Kerry and his devotion to those twanger plunkers and jackboot lickers...

Oh, Grow Up Already

Boy, does this guy have it wrong! And speaking of "growing-up"…why do all these people use the same insults? Not an original bone among the lot of 'em. (Or maybe they're all crabby 'cause they can't get the ole' bone to work?)

Whatever. I checked out the Jonah Goldberg article that's got this piece of kitty litter all upset and thought it was pretty good. But I'm a canine not a Demo-cat, so I'm smarter than he is.

"What a retarded analysis that was! But maybe I was more retarded for expecting something intelligent from an NRO column. If this were a perfect world, you'd be fixing faucets or something--not writing asinine articles for a living. Stop trying to pass off something stupid as something smart. Sophistry went out of style thousands of years ago."

Well, I had to have AHM look that up that word "sophistry." It means "plausible but fallacious argument." Damn dictionaries. Had to have her look up the meanin' of "fallacious," too. Imagine my surprise (not) when she said it means "tending to mislead or deceptive." So… If "sophistry" is like a thousand years old, what does that make Kerry? Two thousand? How else can he explain the fake Swift Boat Dog story he tried to paw off on the Humane Society people?

"Conservative a-holes like yourself always try to group dems together as one hyperactive glob of over-sensitive drones. You try to emasculate us and portray us as uncourageous. The fact of the matter is conservatives are the pussies."

A Demo-cat calling us pussies? Geeze! Has he taken a good, close-up look at Kerry recently?

"The conservative answer to any epidemic is a fire bomb. From pot plants to inner city crime to international poverty to… terrorism. You just want to drop firebombs all over the place because you're too afraid and too lazy to solve things the right way. I'll firebomb a terrorist any day of the week—but firebombing "terrorism" is a whole new gag, my weak-minded friend."

Gag? As in "hairball?" Didn't a weak-minded liberal Demo-cat firebomb a U.S. city once? Need to have AHM Google on that… Okay--Wilson Goode--mayor of Philadelphia firebombed the MOVE people. (No relation to MoveOn.org, I don't think)

"And your megalomaniacal "leaders" from Giuliani to Schwarzenegger to Bush—all taking pains to assume Athenian statuesque poses… give me a break! It's all a big farce. Or a big fart. Heroes, schmeroes. Anyone trying to be a hero is really just a pussy. Bush is a pussy. Arnold is a pussy. Hannity is the creamiest pussy. You are a pussy."

Now here this cathole really misses the litter box. (I knew a fe-lying who used to do that--scratchin' and scritchin' until he raised a major dust cloud--to hide his stupidity, no doubt--then squattin' very business-like--with his butt hangin' over the outside of the pan.)

Well, listen up hairball! It's Demo-cats who are pussies. Franco-Prussian Pussies, no less, spendin' all their time purring around lace-trimmed Vichy anklets beggin' for them to plunk their magic twangers, or rubbin' German jackboots like a raddled old French--ah--female poodle hopin' one or the other of them might toss off a big, slurpy kiss in the Demo-cats' direction.

"Go read your romance novels and spend the rest of your life trying to imitate every fictional protagonist you've ever heard about. Meanwhile, real Americans will try to solve real problems while gritting their teeth in the face of the over-romantic pussies attempting to elevate themselves by assassinating everyone else's character."

See what I mean about missin' the litter pan? That fe-lying I knew used to grit his teeth too--scrunched up his lips, whiskers flappin', grunted, huffed, got his tail straight up all quiverin' and twitchin' and spastic--then bam-o! He'd let the mess fly all over the floor. That pretty much sums up Demo-cats. Leavin' a mess all over the floor and hopin' someone else will clean it up.

"Love, Albert [Name and address withheld]"

Albert? Bert? Ha! Wonder if Ernie knows he's writin' this kind of stuff? Better watch out Alllll-bert. Someone might firebomb Sesame Street but Goode.


The Discerning Texan likes Jonah's ideas. "…in reading this piece, it was like this "aha" feeling came over me." He's got it about right.

Olympic Finale

I was reminded of somethin' when I was pawin' through the Homespun Bloggers list this morning where Wandering Mind has an interesting slant on the Olympics--and how we lost. Hmmmm.

AHM didn't watch much of the Olympics--most times she already knew the results so why bother watchin' people tryin' to pretend there was a mystery about the winners. I can't see the stuff anyway, so I could have cared less… Except…

Did ya' know animals compete in the Olympics? Yep, they do. And did ya' know there is one sport where men and women compete equally? (AHM said our basketball team would have been better if they'd let the women play on the men's team but I don't know cat barf about basketball so I'll take her word.)

'Course it wasn't canines competin' (their loss). It was equines. Horses. Somethin' NBC totally ignored. Well, maybe they showed somethin' on BRAVO or MSNBC during their wee-hours broadcast, but AHM couldn't find it. USA won medals, too--just like they usually do. Sure as hell did a lot better than those silly runners everyone was moanin' and groanin' over.

So, in an effort to round out the coverage, here's the result from the sport where men, women, and animals compete equally.

"ATHENS, 27 August - The Olympic Equestrian Games of Athens 2004 saw six sets of medals given out in three disciplines at Markopoulo Olympic Equestrian Centre.

"For the first time, Eventing was held in a new format in which individual winners were decided by a second round of jumping. France won Team gold in front of Great Britain and the USA.

[…]

"The individual medals in Eventing went to Leslie LAW (GBR), riding his partner in World and European Championships, grey gelding SHEAR L'EAU. American Kimberly SEVERSON and WINSOME ANDANTE were awarded Silver, with Bronze going to multiple European Champion Pippa FUNNELL (GBR), riding PRIMMORE'S PRIDE.

We screwed up in Dressage--American horses just do not take to prancin' and dancin' real well. We leave that to the Germans and Spanish and the Low Countries.

"The Jumping competitions at Markopoulo were decided in two jump-offs for silver and bronze for the teams, as well as the individual medals.

"Germany won their third successive gold medal by a large margin, while the USA and Sweden had to fight for their medals in a jump-off. The USA won silver with seven seconds advantage in front of Sweden, with both teams staying clear in the jump-off.

"Dubliner Cian O'CONNOR, 24, won gold in the individual competition with WATERFORD CRYSTAL. It was Ireland's first medal at the Athens Games.

"Silver went to Brazilian Rodrigo PESSOA. He claimed the first individual medal for his country after two team bronze medals in Sydney and Atlanta.

"American Chris KAPPLER landed a bronze after he had to retire his mount ROYAL KALIBER in the Jump-Off."

Now on to the political Olympics.

Pups for Peace Become Dogs of War

Human Female Meryl Yourish was kind enough to direct my attention to this story--thank you, HF Meryl. It's kinda' like deliverin' a high, hangin' curve ball to--well--pick the slugger of your choice. (You think I'm gonna' offend my readers by choosin' the wrong player?)

"The association Pups for Peace, financed by gifts from the Jewish diaspora has specially trained these dogs for five months and they are to be used in other towns," the official, Roni Latan, told AFP.

"The dogs are German Shepherds, Belgian Shepherds and Labradors, chosen for their hunting instincts, he said. "If they detect explosives they must alert the agents and above all must not take hold of the explosive."

"The Israeli army and police use bomb-sniffing dogs but it was the first time they have been used on public transport anywhere in the country."

Like it says at the top of the blog--"…cats simply cannot be trusted to do the heavy and sometimes dirty work required in the war on terror."

Just consider a fe-lying placed in such a position of urgent importance. Once you stop laughin' your butt off, you'd realize you could never get 'em to wear that yellow vest thingy without losin' half the skin off your arms. (I gotta' say, they are not the most attractive piece of outerwear I've ever seen, so I'm sorta' on the cats' side of that issue.) On to the next problem--the damn fe-lying would never get on the bus in the first place, simply because they know it's where they're supposed to be. You'd have to lay down a trail of pussy treats and pray.

Once they were done eatin', they'd have to plop their expansive posteriors in the middle of the aisle for their postprandial wash up. After that--if you're lucky and the gods are smiling--they might amble a few steps up and down to take a gander at the scenery. 'Course the odds are heavily weighed toward them barfin' up a toxic pile of masticated treats and fur rather than findin' any explosives. It's safe to say the bus, bus stop, and all life forms in the general vicinity would be returned to a subatomic existence before any fe-lying would manage to find a burnt out match much less a bomb.

I do think Pups for Peace should consider usin' some of us little guys. First, we take up a whole hell of a lot less room, especially on public transport. Second, we can get into all the small spaces those big hulks can't reach. Not every terrorist is gonna' leave his knapsack lyin' conveniently on top of or in front of a seat. We terriers are bred to "go to ground." (Terra--earth--terriers--get it?) We could crawl the whole length of a bus or train car--or even a plane--checkin' under the seats lookin' for the teeniest little package. Well--other terriers might. I don't do the crawl-through-old-chewing gum-squashed bugs-and-baby-spitup scene. Bet they could convince a Jack Russell to do it, though, if they could be convinced not to brag about it all over town.

Just for good measure I looked up these Pups for Peace people. They're located in Seattle and I've added their link if you feel moved to toss a few donations their way. Their work is not only savin' lives, it's the ultimate irony. Muslims detest dogs--say we're "unclean." So I say we help our fellow canines "clean" a few Islamic clocks!

Dogging Barney

I'm still tryin' for a muzzle to muzzle interview with DOTUS Barney and he's still dodging the issue. Jimmy Orr (the White House internet guy) claims he wants the White House to be "bloggier." Well, here's their chance. Could make some points, considering I've got an international readership.

(Barney used to have a blog of his own, but no one's helped him update it. I offered to do the job--for a reasonable fee, of course--very reasonable--unfortunately he hasn't responded.)

'Course this could be the reason Barney's keepin' a low profile. And considerin' his profile is pretty low to start with, that's really low.

"We have updated our Band of Brothers chart in the style of the New York Times and have discovered that Texas Republicans, the KKK, and an unknown dog are behind the pro-Kerry veterans group."

Sure would like to get his take on the newest Kerry spin up and down the rivers of Vietnam with the mysterious "VC."

Kerry Panders for Canine Vote

Well, this is just sick--a Demo-cat tryin' to bark with the big dogs. Bad cat, Kerry! Bad, bad cat. This is a mess of unclumping kerry--er--kitty litter if I ever heard it.

"A new four-legged angle -- actually a dog named "VC" -- has suddenly materialized surrounding Sen. John Kerry's swift boat service in Vietnam. In a 2004 presidential candidate questionnaire for Humane USA, Mr. Kerry was asked whether any pets have had an impact on his life."

I'd sure like a chance to make an impact on his pants leg. Might even leave a little present on his fancy footwear too.

"I have always had pets in my life, and there are a few that I remember very fondly," Mr. Kerry replied.

Yeah--we know all about the hamster, Mr. Kerry. I'll bet you're reeeeal fond of him, aren't ya'?

"When I was serving on a Swift Boat in Vietnam, my crewmates and I had a dog we called VC. One day as our Swift Boat was heading up a river, a mine exploded hard under our boat," he continued. "After picking ourselves up, we discovered VC was MIA (missing in action). Several minutes of frantic search followed, after which we thought we'd lost him."

Anyone else notice how people 'n other living creatures seem to end up fallin' overboard whenever Kerry's around? Maybe someone should ask the man about Jimmy Hoffa. Hell, maybe Jimmy Hoffa served on a swift boat with Kerry and got left behind one Christmas in Cambodia.

"We were relieved when another boat called asking if we were missing a dog." Said Mr. Kerry: "It turns out VC was catapulted from the deck of our boat and landed, confused but unhurt, on the deck of another boat in our patrol."

J.J. Scheele, program director of Humane USA, confirmed yesterday that her organization did, in fact, receive the above statement from the Kerry campaign.

So I guess Kerry's motto is now "no dog left behind?"

"No military records on Mr. Kerry's Web site, which aides say is a complete accounting, mention a mine exploding under his boat or any dog. The only report of a mine detonating "near" Mr. Kerry's PCF 94 was March 13, 1969, when Mr. Kerry says he was injured and a man knocked overboard."

Hugh Hewitt talked with Steve Gardner about this the other day. (Scroll down. Gardner's one of the Swifties who really was in the same boat as Kerry for a few months, so he should know about this stuff.)

HH: "Steve, was there a dog named VC on your boat?"
SG: ""Buddy, to the best of my knowledge (laughing), I never saw any dog at any time on the 44 boat."
HH: "Is it possible that it was on the other boat."
SG: "Oh, a distinct possibility (laughing)."
HH: "In the time that you were on the swift boats --totally-- did any of the swift boats have a dog?"
SG: "Never saw one, ever."
HH: "Would it have been a good idea to have a dog on the swift boats?"
SG: "Not likely."
HH: "Why not?"
SG: "Because there was just too much action going on. We had hot brass rolling around there any time we were in a firefight. He would have got beat up."
HH: "Is this the first time you have ever heard of the dog story?"
SG: "It sure is."

Uh huh. Another "dog-that-didn't-bark" story from a Demo-cat's yap.

"Look. It is possible that Kerry had a dog named VC after Gardner left Kerry's command. And it is possible that VC the combat dog got blown off the boat when the boat hit a mine --even though there's no reference to the mine that would fit the occasion. And just because many of my listeners have e-mailed me to note that there was a dog on Martin Sheen's boat in Apocalypse Now doesn't mean that Kerry "borrowed" the dog from the movie."

Life imitates art, eh? You wish. Stick to the hamster, Mr. Kerry Litter.

Fe-lying Terrorists Disable Communications

Proof they're workin' paw in litter with all those other shadowy terrorists.

"Nicosia (Reuters) - Dozens of stray cats and their fleas put Cyprus state radio off the air Tuesday as fumigation experts were called in."

Fleas! Why did it have to be FLEAS?!!!

"Cyprus Broadcasting Corporation (CyBC) Radio 3 program said only songs and news bulletins would be broadcast for the next 24 hours on all three of the CyBC's radio channels due to "an immediate need for spraying."

They might wanna' think about spaying while they're at it.

"The problem with the cats is causing a terrible situation, there hundreds of them and they are running into the studios and over the roof," said one reporter who declined to be named. "At one point, one cat fell through the roof and landed on someone's head," he said.

Flea-ridden fe-lyings fallin' on one's head trumps dead pigeons every time. Not to mention rats, squirrels, and giant ants.

"They have made a mess and broken everything in my office."

Wanton, mindless destruction--it's what fe-lyings are all about.

"Staff said they were told there was a possibility the three CyBC stations could stay off the air for as long as three days."

Call in the K-9 Corps to send those fe-lying terrorists to the big kitty litter pan in the sky.

The Big Dog Doesn't Have To Bark

It is really gettin' tough navigatin' through all the dirty kitty litter flyin' around over these Swift Vet guys and, damn, that stuff stings when it nails you in the schnozz--right Mr. Kerry?

The Demo-cats are out there hissin' 'n spittin' 'n howlin' to the FEC that the Vets are really workin' for the President and should be sued or fined or arrested or burned or somethin' just so they STOP advertisin' their objections. Then there are all the pundits-in-the-know (who probably know the same amount as I do, but since they're humans other humans actually listen to them--big mistake, of course, but, hey--go figure). Well they're all tsk-tskin' about how GWB shouldn't have signed that campaign finance reform bill 'cause now it's comin' back to bite him on the ass.

Well, maybe, maybe not. A few days ago, a reader over at that puppy blender's place made a good point (scroll down):

"For almost a year there have been attack ads against Bush. Bush displayed much more character by not demanding that the books and movies and ads that have been attacking him be banned the way Kerry is trying to do. Bush stood up for the rights of even those who opposed him and lied about him.

"Kerry tries to silence any opposition, in much the same way as portrayed in Fahrenheit 451 (the original book). That is frightening! And to make matters worse, the mainstream media is in collusion with him."

I've written before about bein' in show biz and havin' to get along with lots and lots of major egos and listen to all sorts of crap. We canines manage. But once and a while we'd get a cathole who just couldn't hold it together when facin' the big guns.

Now there was this one jerk who always seemed to have a burr up his butt. Whined about every little thing--really was givin' we Aussies a bad rep. (We pride ourselves on being dignified representatives of the terrier nation.) Every time I was in the class ring with him he'd climb down off that friggin' table and launch himself at me, draggin' at his lead, snarlin' and snappin' and yappin' insults for no other reason than I was the top dog to beat. He hated that! AHM and me would just stand there, smilin' and waitin' for his handler to haul him back in line. Sure I was on alert in case the human fe-lying at the other end of the lead let go (which, considerin' the human, could have happened) but I never did a thing. I was the big dog. I didn't have to bark. All I had to do was stand back and let everyone see the other guy actin' like a fool.

Worked every time.

To Hell with Rush

I'm on the cutting edge. Me, me, me.

Well, me and Greg Hlatky over at A Dog's Life who was the first to post the LBJ Silver Star story on August 11th. 'Course he could have dug it up over at CNN's story pages. (Bein' CNN, I thought that link was a fairy tale site.)

It was part of the August 15th weekly roundup at Homespun Bloggers too. (See what you're missin' by not checkin' them out every Monday?) Even that puppy blender guy tossed out a crumb of reference to the LBJ/JKerry parallel, albeit a few days later. (Great minds indeed…)

Now MSNBC wants to make a big splash over their story from today? Damn waste of time readin' that Demo-cat lovin' MSNBC anyway. We canines and our humans can smell out a story much sooner.

Okay--egotistical snit fit over. Have a nice day.