Four Good Pieces on Kerry/SwiftVets

Former Salon reporter Jake Tapper, now working for ABCNews, shocks me by actually reporting -- not grudgingly, either -- that John Kerry has a lot more "links" to a lot more "shadowy 527's" raising a hell of a lot more "unregulated soft money" than George Bush could even dream of.

The NYPost sums up the confrontation in Crawford, noting an interesting irony. (Hint: How many Purple Hearts did Max Cleland receive for losing three limbs? And why?)

More thoughtful, more rewarding, but also more meandering is this Opinion Journal piece from a blogger I linked once and expect to be linking again. He takes a while to get there, but his thesis is that a grudging post-Vietnam domestic truce was declared between the left and the right, in which both sides conceded points to the other in the interests of political peace.

The writer argues that John Kerry is exploiting one half of this truce to his advantage while refusing to honor the other prong-- and is thereby re-opening Vietnam as an issue, and bringing this all on himself.

And then there's this, a reminiscence of a Vietnam combat surgeon who had a lot of experience with troops begging for Purple Hearts in order to get their ticket home. The article contains the following "new information" -- new to me, at least. It seems that it has never been the case that you automatically get a Purple Heart for a wound, even if inflicted by enemy fire:

In the absence of the medical records that Mr. Kerry apparently declines to make public, the only details we have about his second and third Purple Hearts are that he also based them on wounds too minor to require hospitalization. My reason for refusing to verify insignificant wounds as the basis for a Purple Heart was the regulation covering Purple Heart awards. In Part B, Paragraph 2, of the Army Purple Heart Regulation (600-8-22 of 25 February 1995), we find "the wound for which the award is made must have required treatment by a medical officer."

Purple Hearts are not supposed to be awarded for self-inflicted wounds, nor for wounds too minor to require treatment by a physician. So where and how did Lt. Kerry eventually obtain a Purple Heart for his first wound? Nobody seems to know. Only his medical records will tell — and the American public needs that information to evaluate candidate Kerry's qualifications and candor.

All three of Kerry's wounds-- even the one most likely to have been inflicted by hostile enemy action -- were of such a trivial nature that none "required" medical treatment by a doctor. Only one arguably did; even if we grant that one, Kerry was still two legitimate Purple Hearts shy of an early ticket stateside.

I should note that I don't think it's necessarily cowardly or even blameworthy to game the system to your advantage; but it's definitely not heroic. We may say that we can hardly blame Vietnam vets for wanting to get home as soon as the system could possibly allow, but we certainly wouldn't call such men "War Heroes" for doing so.

And yet that's precisely what John Forbes Kerry has done, and is doing. He could have simply gotten three bullshitty Purple Hearts and gone home, confident that he had honorably served, while not heroically. Or he could have braved the bullets and bombs and possibly given life or limb for the country, in which case he would have in fact served heroically.

The problem is once again one of trying to have it both ways. After serving in Vietnam for just four months before engineering an escape hatch of his own contrivance, John Forbes Kerry was not content to simply call himself a veteran, but a courageous hero.

A lot of liberal pundits make the case that criticizing John Forbes Kerry's service in 'Nam demeans other veterans.

They fail to comprehend -- or, more likely, refuse to acknowledge -- that awarding John Forbes Kerry the accolades reserved for heroes demeans true heroes. The guys who risked all and died for it. The fewer band of heroes who risked all and actually lived to tell the tale.

John Forbes Kerry risked as little as possible in Vietnam, and yet he wants to wear the wreath and laurel of a modern day Achilles. Every day the media calls him a "war hero," either dishonestly or negligently failing to report that probably two thirds of all Vietnam Vets did as much or more in Nam as John Kerry, but very few of them have medals or were ever called "war hero" -- or got an early ticket home on the basis of two scratches and a sliver in the keister.

An Unrelated Aperitif: I always loved Isaac Asimov's science essays as a kid (detested his fiction-- ucch). The cool thing about Asimov is that you could begin reading an essay convinced you had absolutely no interest whatsoever in the topic and yet be thrilled by the conclusion. And you'd learn something along the way.

Steven den Beste isn't quite up to Asimov's level yet, because den Beste tends to interest me with stuff I'm already interested in. If he can finally sell me on his passion for Japanese Anime, maybe I'll acknowledge him as Asimov's heir.

But you just can't help feeling smarter by the end of this piece on Saddam's nuclear reactor, and its capacity to produce weapons-capable fuel, than you were befoe you started it.

And along the way, he ferociously bitch-slaps a libdweeb jerkoff from Paris Match magazine; so what's not to love?

Swift Kick: Bush Overtakes Kerry 49-46 Among Registered Voters

Yes, among registered voters, a more liberal leaning group (usually) than likely voters. And it's an LA Times poll besides-- not exactly Republican-friendly.

Even when I first saw the first SwiftVets ad, and "predicted" that it would cost Kerry 2-4 points, I didn't entirely believe it; I was more hopeful than confident.

But the latest polls tend to show those ads were just as powerful as they first seemed:

WASHINGTON -- President Bush heads into next week's Republican national convention with voters moving slightly in his direction since July amid signs that John F. Kerry has been nicked by attacks on his service in Vietnam, a Los Angeles Times Poll has found.

...

Now the poll of course shows continued anxiousness about the Iraq War and the economy. I had to cut something from the article, though, and I figured that's just telling us what we already know.

Gallup, I believe, will also be releasing a poll either late tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks to Kirk for the tip, although Kirk doesn't understand that cowbells are for economic news.

For a good poll, I can provide only either this picture of an adorable dog snapped by da Goddess:

or this animated Robot from Lost in Space:

or this still of Tawney Kitaen humping a Jaguar in the Whitesnake video "Here I Go Again":

I would provide cowbell if it were up to me, but I've got my boss looking over my shoulder every five minutes.

Whoa, Whoa, Wait a Minute: The commenter Kerry Is Unelectable cried bullshit on an ABC/WaPo poll showing Kerry losing ground going into his convention. His theory was they were pushing the poll down for Kerry so that the convention would result in a bigger "bounce" -- but of course that bounce would be illusory. But still, it would be a good talking point in favor of Kerry.

I don't know if I buy this sort of crafty-to-the-third-power skullduggery in polling, but I suppose this poll might be goosed for Bush so that his convention will then show him "losing" support.

Update: Allah points out that it's state-by-state voting, and therfore state by state polling, that ultimately counts. I disagree-- only if one candidate fails to win the national election by 2% or less will the state-by-state outcome differ from the national-poll/national-vote outcome.

It should be noted that Bush's state-by-state position has been improving as well. See Rasmussen, for example.

New Kerry Ad Campaign To Hit the Heartland

Well, maybe not really, but it's worth clicking on.

Bob "Blaze" Dole Conflagration Update

STATUS: Remains En Fuego
PROGNOSIS: Poor. The raging fires consuming this poor man show no sign of abatement.

It's about time someone said it:

Joe Scarborough: Now I want to ask, you've been through one of these presidential campaigns. You know what it's like on the campaign trail. Are you surprised, as a guy who is a war hero, that John Kerry's war record is playing such a central role in this presidential campaign this year?

Bobby "Blaze" Dole: Well, I am a little surprised because I remember in '96, of course, Clinton didn't have a record and the liberal media didn't want to say much about my record. So it never really became - you know, I guess the New York Times may have said I was a veteran; that's about as far as they went.

So this time you've got a candidate named John Kerry who had a good record in Vietnam, came back from the service, denounced the war, in effect, trashed the Americans who were still fighting there. Went before a Senate committee in April of 1971, threw away his ribbons or his medals or whatever and now is standing before the American people and saying you've got to elect me because I'm this Vietnam hero.

And it's kind of hard to reconcile all of these things. So it does sort of bring up focus that I don't think we've had in the past.

Kerry to 180 on 180?

Flop-sweat leads to flip-flop?

Sign the Form 180, Senator Kerry. Release the records.

No Dog in This Fight: Records Undermine John Kerry's Claims About "VC, the Flyin' Wonderdog"

As you might know, John Forbes Kerry has made some implausible claims about VC, his swiftboat's dog, and its acrobatic-watersports capabilities. The tale involves a "nearby mine" rocking the boat and catapulting VC the Flyin' Wonderdog unharmed on to the deck of the next boat. (By the way, note that the SwiftVets commanders whom the media claim weren't close enough to observe John Kerry's actions apparently were close enough to provide a landing area for his flying mutt.)

And yet the Washington Times can find no references to any Flyin' Wonderdogs in the military records.

One might almost begin to think that John Forbes Kerry concocted this entire episode.

But that would be a silly thought indeed.

Thanks to Publius for the tip.

For Further Reading and Review: Ace of Spades HQ's crack research team has turned up that John Forbes Kerry had ten additional "Vietnam Super-Pets."

Another Shock: Guantanamo Hearings "Designed to Convict"

This charge sounds suspiciously like the leftist whine that mines and uranium bullets are "designed to injure and/or kill people."

Sistani to Lead March to Reclaim Najaf?!?!

If this happens, it's huge, I think.

NAJAF, Iraq — Iraq's most powerful Shiite cleric was returning home from Britain today in a bid to end nearly three weeks of fighting in Najaf and called on his followers to join him in a march to reclaim the holy city, his spokesmen said.

Police say al-Sadr, who has not been seen in public for days, has fled the city.

Go effin' figure on that, huh?

His aides, however, vigorously denied that, saying al-Sadr was in a secret hideout here. Regardless, the fiery, charismatic cleric's absence from the battlefield may have withered his followers' morale.

"We call upon all devout Iraqis who follow him" from all over the country to be "on alert to head to holy Najaf under his leadership," al-Khafaf told the station. He said an announcement on the next steps will be made later.

Arachnofascism: Allah Sends Swarm of Giant Infidel-Hating Spiders to Kill Crusaders

This headline isn't a joke.

An interview with Sheik Sumide'i, a participant in the battles raging in Fallujah, reveals the following startling news:

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:T hey [the Americans] attacked Falluja and tried to cause great damage to its residents. They destroyed mosques and homes, killed women, children, and youths, and spread corruption in Falluja. Nevertheless, we believe that Allah protects the believers, and indeed, Allah stood beside Falluja, and I'd like to mention some miracles Allah performed in Falluja. It is possible that the media does not know about them.

The people saw it and the TV stations indeed aired it. I held the spider, and there were between 13 to 15 TV stations, including Al-Arabiya, Al-Jazeera, Al-Majd, Dubai, Abu-Dhabi and other stations, and they saw it with their own eyes.

I think he's almost certainly referring to that picture of "camel spiders" posted way back on this site (and originally on Little Green Footballs).

Frightening. And I don't mean the spiders.

Top Ten Other Miracles Which Will Save Fallujah

10. To show his wrath, Allah will blot the very sun from the sky, usually evenings around sunset

9. Crusaders will be confused and harassed by special holy curse that makes them feel like they're not wearing a hat when they are, but that they are wearing a hat when they take it off

8. Pork-and-beans MRE's will suddenly become strangely unappetizing

7. Performers on upcoming USO tour unexpectedly changed; old bill-- Gary Sinise, Toby Keith, KISS, and The Rock; new bill-- Al Franken, Margaret Cho, the kid who played Dwayne-Wayne on A Different World, and, from Hall and Oates, "Oates"

6. Four Words: Lyddie Englund Penthouse Shoot (by Allah's mercy alone-- no pictorial in Hustler)

5. The balls of American soldiers go from their normal size of "fucking enormous" to "just plain unweildy"

4. Distribution problems cause shortage of Coke, Pepsi, and Budweiser; for three long weeks, only beverages available are Shasta and/or Fanta

3. Bizarre magical loss of sense-of-direction will cause dozens of soldiers to mistakenly believe themselves to be in Cambodia

2. Special Labor Day surprise appearance by Dennis Kucinich, who distributes tofu tacos and and organic alfalfa to visibly-disappointed troops

...and the Number One Other Miracle Which Will Save Fallujah...

1. By exertion of Divine Will, the mainstream American media will report all Iraq news with a strongly negative slant

Shock: Andrew Sullivan Admits He "Can't" Vote For Bush

Comes the sound of a thousand jaws clunking on a thousand floors.

Thanks to Nick S.

Hoo Boy: Pakistan Says Some "High-Value" AQ Targets Already Arrested, To Be Revealed at a "Later Date"

Josh Marshall's widdle head just exploded:

As Pakistan continues its relentless campaign against al-Qaeda, diplomatic circles in Islamabad and Washington believe that some "high-value" targets might already have been arrested to be produced at a later date.

This follows news on Sunday of the arrest of more than 10 suspects believed to be involved in a plot to bomb high-profile targets in Islamabad and Rawalpindi, including the US Embassy and the official residences of Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf. (Such plans were revealed by Asia Times Online, Fear stalks Pakistan's anniversary, August 14.)

I question the "timing" of these arrests and the not-immediate-announcement of same. Hell, you'd think the Pakistanis were secretly interrogating the captured Qaedas so that they could make more arrests before letting out the knowledge that cells had been compromised.

That, or the ISI is working for Karl Rove.

You make the call.

Credibility Watch: Allah, Who Is Wise About the Relative Credibility of Media Sources, tells me Asia Times (where this story is from) is notoriously given to running thinly-sourced sensationalistic stories, like AQ's frequent claims of already having one or several working atomic bombs.

Even so, Josh Marshall's head just exploded.

Update (Possibly a Spoiler) Regarding Iraqi Soccer Team

Click below to read on.

Not-Very-Funny Top Ten Things Overheard In Liberal Circles

10. "I don't care what the so-called (finger quotes) "First Amendment" says. Find me a loophole."

9. "Those goddamn SwiftVets are savaging us like 'Jenjis Khan.'"

8. "Look, I hate to bring this up, but I have to ask: Do we have actual proof that John Kerry was even in Vietnam at all? I just want to know the potential downside on all this."

7. "We'll just spin this into a positive. We'll say John Kerry was smart enough to keep out of Cambodia, and he'll be smart enough to stay out of Iran, too."

6. "I had a very nice creamy steak suisse last night. It's seared --seared-- seared into my memory. Come on, it's funny. Stop being such a Serious Susan all the time."

5. "I say we just continue to run on our strengths, the strengths that nobody can deny. I propose a new advertising campaign-- John Kerry: He's really, really tall."

4. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Bob Dole is on fucking fire."

3. "We may be losing the veterans, we may be losing the independents, we may even be losing some of our usual Democratic base, but whatever happens, we've still got Chris Matthews solidly on board."

2. "Well, maybe Kerry did dishonestly oversell his 'heroism' in the Vietnam; maybe a more accurate account would be that he didn't want to serve, failed in his attempt to secure secure another grad-school deferment, enlisted in a unit seeing little action at the time in order to avoid combat, and then performed routinely but not remarkably for four months before doctoring up a dubious troika of Purple Hearts and finagling himself an early ticket home. That said, Kerry still has an awful lot to run on: his strong national security credentials, his clear plan for winning the war on terror, his meticulously-detailed plan for improving the economy.... SNORT!!! giggle! ... What, we're not allowed to be funny during a presidential campaign?"

...and the Number One Thing Overheard in Liberal Circles...

1. "Is it too late to run Frank Lautenberg? Someone get me that alte kacher on the horn."

Apologies: Some lists are funny. Some lists are funny and true. This one is merely true.

This list is nothing but "clappers," which I hate, but I'm in the mood for gloating.

Calling the SwiftVets: John Forbes Kerry's First Diplomatic Test

For two years John Forbes Kerry has been telling us that he could convince hostile nations to do our bidding just through force of personality and sweet reason.

Well, here's a smaller test, Johnny. Here are 240 or so Vets that you actually already sort of know.

Use these vaunted diplomatic skills we've heard so much about to achieve the sort of outcome you want.

We'll be watching-- and judging. If you can't convince these 240 guys to do something they're fundamentally opposed to (like shutting up, God bless 'em), I don't see how on earth you can expect us to believe you can convince Iran, North Korea, and (worst of them all) France to do America's bidding.

Update: Smack adds:

Test: Diplomacy
Status: FAILED
Explanation: "When we dedicated swift boat one in '92, I said to all the swift guys that I wasn't talking about the swifties, I was talking about all the rest of the veterans."

I can see it now:

John Forbes Kerry speaking with diplomats from Poland, the Czech Republic, Norway, Italy, Australia, and Britain: "When I called you all a 'phoney coalition' of the 'bribed, bought, and coerced,' I was talking about different countries. You know, countries that don't matter. How shall I put this? Non-white-majority countries.

"Basically, I was talking about Trinidad and Tobego, and only Trinidad and Tobego. Why you all think I was talking about you I really have no idea."

Update: Publius notes:

Wait a minute, I thought Kerry's first Diplomatic Test were his talks with the North Vietnamese in Paris while the U.S. was still at war.

Let me clarify: His first diplomatic test since becoming an announced presidential candidate.

Of course he was a presidential candidate when he was eating cucumber finger-sandwiches with the Cong, too. But that was in the mid-phases of his lifelong presidential campaign. And he had not yet announced his intentions, although, to be sure, pretty much everyone already knew.

Kerry Campaign Admits First Purple Heart May Have Been Self-Inflicted

I noted the importance of John Forbes Kerry's "we still have not been shot at" diary earlier this week.

The Kerry campaign's admission is on Drudge so you've probably seen it, of course. Still, I have to dignify the news by elevating it to a full Ace of Spades HQ mention:

Kerry's campaign now says is possible first Purple Heart was awarded for unintentional self-inflicted wound...

In Kerry's own journal written 9 days later, he writes he and his crew, quote, 'hadn't been shot at yet'... Developing...

This is huge. This will be the second confirmation of a SwiftVets charge in as many weeks.

There must be smoking gun evidence that Kerry's wound was self-inflicted, or else the campaign would never have admitted this possibility. And I don't just mean because he's an incorrigible liar; I just mean it's far too damaging to give the SwiftVets this sort of ammunition. This second admission will pretty much demand media scrutiny. And of course it adds to the SwiftVets credibility-- as far as charges so far proven one way or the other, the SwiftVets are 2 for 2.

This is huge. Oliver Willis Huge.

Correction: I originally wrote that Kerry himself had admitted this possibility; that of course was wrong. His campaign admitted it.

Our Supremely Unbiased Press, Part 6,689

I don't want to oversell this the way someone oversold Reanimator to me. ("And then, and then, and then he's like totally decapitated, and he's like holding his own head, and then he holds his head by the hair up to the girl and... YOU GOTTA SEE REANIMATOR, DUDE!!! IT'S THE FUCKIN' SACK, BABY!!!)

But really-- this is good stuff. Almost From Beyond good.

So, some time ago, I posted the economic models created by a Yale economist named Ray C. Fair predicting a Bush victory.

Well, a reporterette at the New York Times decided to interview Professor Fair. You might think that she'd ask a lot of technical but interesting questions about the model's assumptions. You'd be wrong.

She decided to just argue about the models for an hour or so. Not in a technical fashion, mind you, but in a simply emotional one: She wants Kerry to win, and she's very angry that Professor Fair's models show him losing. She's further angry that his models show Kerry losing and yet the professor shared them with the public-- she fears that the models could hurt Kerry, and thus probably ought to have been suppressed.

Don't believe me? Well, here's a taste:

SOLOMON: In your book “Predicting Presidential Elections and Other Things,” you claim that economic growth and inflation are the only variables that matter in a presidential race. Are you saying that the war in Iraq will have no influence on the election?

SOLOMON: But the country hasn’t been this polarized since the 60’s, and voters seem genuinely engaged by social issues like gay marriage and the overall question of a more just society.

Ummm, they do? Such questions weigh into every election, of course, but I can't think of an election in which such questions have been less relevant. Even during the height of the Vietnam War, the social questions -- race, abortion, etc. -- were raging to be nearly the equal of the war issue.

That's not the case now. This election is all about, in order 1) the War on Terrorism, 2) the economy, and 3) the War on Terrorism.

I think this reporterette would do herself some good to try reporting on the world as it actually is rather than how she wishes it to be.

But anyway, Prof. Fair answers:

FAIR: We throw all those into what we call the error term. In the past, all that stuff that you think should count averages about 2.5 percent, and that is pretty small.

SOLOMON: Yes, I know one of your studies used the econometric method to predict who is most likely to have an extramarital affair.

Yes, it is indeed sad that a professor of econometrics should lower himself to teach his students econometrics, rather than something really valuable, like Our Bodies, Our Elves: Marxist Feminist Allegory in The Elfstones of Shannara.

But our intrepid reporterette gets right to the heart of the matter:

SOLOMON: Are you a Republican?

SOLOMON: But in the process you are shaping opinion. Predictions can be self-confirming, because wishy-washy voters might go with the candidate who is perceived to be more successful.

Notice Solomon's agenda. She's not here to hash out if this model has been a good predictor in the past or anything like that. She's just pissed because she knows about The Bandwagon Effect, how undecideds can be swayed to vote by whoever they perceive to be the ultimate winner.

If she's really upset by that, she should have a word with the editors of the New York Times, who have featured, at last count, thirty-seven bazillion front-page big-font headlines proclaiming that Bush is losing support in the country. They never report the polls prominently in which he regains support. To look just at the New York Times' front page (not a good idea for anyone interested in keeping appraised of what's happening in the world), you'd get the idea that Bush must be at negative 456% support, since the Times polls only show him dropping three or five points every month.

But then, that's good shaping of public opinion, innit it?

Thanks to Little Green Footballs (who has more, including the link) by way of Milty and CalGal at The Perfect World.

New Kerry Complaint: Hatchet-Men Are "Smearing" His Senatorial Record

Some sort of shadowy organization rumored to be largely funded by/made up of Republicans -- calling itself the "Grand Old Party" or "the National Republican Party" -- is now attacking poor John Forbes Kerry's Senate record as well.

Rumor has it that those who "served with" John Forbes Kerry in the Senate are peddling all sorts of filthy lies about his proposals to slash military and intelligence spending. Some even allege that he voted against the first Gulf War (before he voted for it), but such allegations are "unsubstantiated," as they have nothing to back them up except the Congressional Record.

Yes, friends, Scrappleface (linked by MarcLand) is informing us this will be a very dirty race indeed.

And by "dirty," we mean that Republicans will attempt to beat a liberal in an election.

Is this what democracy has come to? Republicans thinking they can just run ads and donate to causes and express their opinions and even vote?

Media Treatment of Fahrenheit 9-11 vs. SwiftVets

NRO notes that the mainstream media take on Avoirdupois 451 was that it might contain some small amount of error or misrepresentation, but that it was nevertheless an important and largely-accurate film.

The SwiftVets, of course, are just liars with nothing of any interest to say.

I don't see how the media can tout Avoirdupois 451 and then cry foul when the SwiftVets -- who are all eyewitnesses to the events they describe -- present their meticulously-footnoted documentary effort.

When Michael Moore suggests that Bush ordered the FBI to let the bin Ladin exit the country when no one else was flying -- despite the fact that planes were already flying, and Bush-critic/media-darling (redudancy alert) Dick Clarke actually ordered the plane to fly -- the media says that's a bit of "hyperbole" or maybe "loose language."

When the SwiftVets tell the stories of their time in the mud and blood, that's just an outright fabrication, and we know it's a fabrication, because hey, John Forbes Kerry says so.

Use of the Passive Voice Breaks Out

Kausfiles catches a Kerry-supporting vet "backing up" his claim of hostile fire only by resorting to the passive voice:

Shooting broke out.

Well, no one disputes that "shooting broke out;" the debate is whether there were any enemies in the area doing any shooting. We all know that Kerry & Co poured fire into the jungle.

Kausfiles goes on to find this same witness being a little more clear in the Boston Globe's book on Kerry:

I can't say for sure that we got return fire or how [Kerry] got nicked.

Un. Frickin'. Believable.

But the media, of course, trumpets this man's account as settling the issue and unambiguously supporting Kerry.

Chris Matthews Update

Looks like the liberals' first defense -- "These are all lies cooked up by Bush partisans" -- has jumped the shark.

Matthews' new defense sounds suspiciously like a variant of "Let's move on." First deny, then claim it doesn't "rise to the bar" and doesn't "affect his job performance." As Pat Buchanan states that John Kerry lied about being in Cambodia, the Blonde Blatherer can only offer, "I'm not interested in that issue at all."

On the other hand, Matthers finds an "inconsistency" in Bob Dole's attack on Kerry. He finds a chapter in Bob Dole's biography in which Dole was wounded by shrapnel by his own poorly-tossed grenade and was then given a Purple Heart. Thus, Chrissy asserts, Bob Dole should understand the sometimes vague nature of Purple Hearts. (BTW, this was not the more-serious injury that resulted in the permanent impairment of his right arm.)

Newstwit Matthews seems to miss the fact that Bob Dole's account downplayed any suggestion of heroism in this action, and in fact denigrated his actions by calling his injury his own fault. He poked fun at himself, and his own clumsiness, even as he related the story of him being wounded.

The difference between Bob Dole and John Kerry is that John Forbes Kerry, and not Robert J. Dole, has turned a minor self-inflicted wound into a glorious spectacle deserving of a Roman Triumphal parade.

Six Words Never Before Used Together: Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

John Kerry calls Bob Dole. Bob Dole tells Kerry off. Bob Dole absolutely pins back Kerry's ears with an attack on Kerry's use of surrogates to call Bush a deserter.

Too Hot for Internet Filters Update! It seems that suddenly Ace of Spades HQ is being labeled "objectionable material" by at least one internet filter. I suspect it may be due to the Top Ten list that follows -- two uses of the f-word, plus a couple of other sexual words in close proximity to the f-word.

So I'm putting the Top Ten into the extended entry thingee, in hopes that the filter in question only reads the front page of the site.

I guess I should have supplied an Mature Content warning in the first place.

Then again, this list is about Bob Dole being on fu-- I mean, being on frickin' fire. How dirty could it possibly be?

9-11 Panel Faults Immigration Laxity

Michelle Malkin, of course, gets there first.

Joshua Mellencamp Marshall: Military Records Are Presumptively Accurate

Joshy says:

The military records all back up Kerry. Back in the old days -- i.e., last month --official military records used to be considered at least presumptively accurate. Now, everyone knows or should know that every after-action report or medal citation isn't necessarily the product of an exhaustive investigation. Yet, they're not meaningless. At a minimum one would assume that the burden of proof would lie with those who dispute their veracity.

This is Chris Matthews' take as well.

But is it true that military records were considered -- up until last month -- presumptively accurate?

I don't remember George W. Bush having the benefit of such a presumption.

His records say he fulfilled all obligations and was therefore honorably discharged. He has pay records from the disputed "AWOL" period showing he was in fact paid. He has records of a dental visit in Alabama to show that he was on the base when he said he was. Sure, he could have just popped in to have his teeth checked, but that record indicates he was "in the system" at the time. You don't blow off military duty, hoping not be noticed, and then remind them that you're supposed to be performing military duty by showing up for a nice fluoridization.

In that situation, the liberals did not afford the official records any presumption of accuracy whatsoever. They were, and remain, quite eager to "look beyond the records" to get to the "truth" (hopefully, a Bush-damaging truth) that the papers don't show.

But now Chris Matthews, Joshy Marshall, and the rest of the sissy squad are claiming that military records supporting John Kerry settle the issue, no matter if dozens of eyewitnesses to the events in question swear that those records are inaccurate and based on Kerry's own self-serving self-reporting.

QandO beats me to the punch on this point (you snooze, you lose):

In order to move the presidential campaign away from what happened or didn't happen in Vietnam 35 years ago, I offer a suggestion. Since the Kerry camp wishes to argue that official Navy records are conclusive proof that Kerry served honorably and with distinction, I suggest that those of us opposed to Kerry offer to accept that argument, as long as the Kerry people accept the logical corollary: the official Air Force records indicating George W. Bush was honorably discharged from his service is conclusive proof that he properly met his obligations as well.

Thanks to Instapundit for the QandO link.

"Suspicious Timing" of bin Ladin's Non-Capture Questioned by Conservative Blogger

Remember all the liberal chatter, such as that by Joshua Micah Hezekiah Bucephalus Chauncy Boutros-Boutros Mellencamp Marshall, that Osama bin Ladin would be captured just in time for either the Democratic or Republican convention?

Well, the Republican convention is just around the corner, and no OBL yet.

I find the non-occurrence of this non-capture to be "suspiciously timed," and I blame Democrats for arranging this with sympathetic military officers in the US or Pakistan.

If the non-happening of the non-capture continues during or shortly after Bush's nomination speech, I think we can all agree that the non-event was non-timed to "distract" from Bush and thus provide him with a non-bounce.

I'm "predicting" this now, as John Judis of TNR did, so when the non-event non-occurs I, like him, can use that prediction of proof of my theory's validity.

"A Web of Connections"

Recently, the New York Times accused Republican-leaning citizens of Practicing Politics in the First Degree when it expressed shock and outrage that, get this, conservatives who don't like John Forbes Kerry were donating money to organizations that don't like John Forbes Kerry.

I had to laugh. Just as I was reading all this outrage, I came across this tasty paragraph:

Out of desperation, the Bush campaign has picked the wrong fight with the wrong veteran," said Jim Jordan, former Kerry campaign manager who now runs an outside group airing ads against Bush. "Today's the start of the mother of all backlashes."

So let me get this straight: Kerry is accusing the Bush campaign of having a "Web of Connections" to the SwiftVets. The head of an anti-Bush group, meanwhile, is a "former Kerry campaign manager."

Ummmm.... okay. Don't hold your breath waiting for a NYT article or editorial about that.

But as my pappy always said, a fact isn't a fact until you put it into pie-graph format. This chart showing the "Web of Connections" between Kerry and "independent" liberal 527's isn't technically a pie chart, but it does look snazzy.

Thanks to Kausfiles for the chart.

Update: There's almost nothing you can afford not to read in this Taranto Best of the Web column.

Update: Connecting John Kerry to his former campaign manager is just too easy. Connecting him to Kevin Bacon, on the other hand, is investigative journalism of the first order.

Thanks to Harlan Pepper for tipping me to that. There's also this.

Dollar Democracy Update: Truth Laid Bear compares and contrasts the SwiftVets' donations -- around $150,000 -- to donations to the liberal 527's --just the listed oned have combined donations of $120 million.

First Nixon, Now LBJ?

John Forbes Kerry can't be happy about the comparisons being made:

In 1944, another politician of vaulting ambition scored a Silver Star from an obliging Douglas MacArthur after riding as an observer aboard a U.S. bomber. It was the only mission he ever flew and, according to at least one of the surviving crewmen, an uneventful one at that, with no sight of the enemy nor even the slightest whiff of danger, according to author Robert Caro. Yet back in Washington, the former passenger regaled reporters like Time's Hugh Sidey, with tall tales of marauding Zeros "and how the bullets came zinging through the fuselage," according to Sidey's written recollections on the Web.

The world will never know. But with the benefit of hindsight, people can be absolutely sure that, then as now, one truth really does matter in Presidential politics: Boasts and a talent for self-serving fiction are no recommendations for a lease on the Oval Office.

As Boston Globe columnist Joan Venucci wrote (I think): John Forbes Kerry looked at that "I don't consider myself a hero" type of quiet heroism and decided it was for saps.

And even more from Instapundit: a good piece here by The American Thinker about Kerry's possibly-illegal negoatiations with the North Vietnamese while still a Naval officer.

The really juicy part here is Kerry's apparent attempt to conceal/fudge this reality. For unfathomable reasons, the media (and Kerry's website & official biographies) keep claiming he wasn't a Naval officer when he met with the Cong. The actual records show otherwise.

Dole Blasts Kerry's Purple Hearts, Anti-Military Slander

Bob Dole is a little like John McCain in that he frequently displays an "independent" or "nonpartisan" streak which, conveniently enough for both men, just happens to earn them admiration from the liberal media establishment, especially the NYT editorial page.

As annoying as that is, doing so only makes it more credible, and more welcome, when they deliver a sharp attack on a liberal.

I don't think Senator Bob Dole, War Hero, is earning himself any goodwill from the Times' Gail Collins with this tough attack on Kerry:

"I respect his record - but three Purple Hearts, he never bled that I know of," Dole told CNN's "Late Edition." "They were all superficial wounds."

"As far as I know he never spent one day in the hospital, I don't think he draws any disability pay. He doesn't have any disability. And he's boasting about three Purple Hearts, when you think of some of the people who really got shot up in Vietnam."

Next up: A visibly angered Bob Dole demands that John Kerry "stop lying about his record."

"I am a Corrupt-American"

Governor McGreevey Shifts $10 Million From Surplus Fund to Pay for "Public Service Ads" Featuring Himself

So far during the Olympics -- an expensive place to buy ads -- I've seen two commercials featuring Jim McGreevey, and I'm in the New York market. (Also an expensive place to buy ads.) Both ads were NJ PSA's designed to convey the message "McGreevey is fixing this problem." As a non-NJ-resident, there really wasn't any reason to tell me to call the NJ Department of Health "to get the real facts about ecxema," or whatever the ads were about.

It was just a transparent wasted of state funds for the improper purpose of attempting to improve the Governor's image with NJ voters.

Well, the NJ GOP is crying foul, as they should:

Since January, the McGreevey administration has quietly transfered $10 million from the state's surplus into television and radio advertising campaigns that mostly featured the governor, the Asbury Park Press has learned.

"How will people know if we don't tell them?" Rasmussen said. "Maybe there wasn't a reason to let people know about new government services in the past because there were no new government services."

He "needed" to tell me about new Saturday hours at the DMV.

Because, if he hadn't told me, I would not have known.

Upcoming: A new ad instructing the voters that New Jersey is well-prepared to defend against a terrorist attack, so long as that attack comes in the form of Hebraic poetry.

Two Updates: Oliver "Grimmace" Willis and John Forbes Kerry's Silver Star

Earlier I posted an article questioning why John Forbes Kerry had a 1986 citation for his Silver Star, signed during Reagan's second term by the then-Secretary of the Navy John Lehmann.

The facts most likely are on Kerry's side. There is the possibility of shenaningans here, but it's not a strong possibility, and it's less likely that we're talking major shenanigans.

First: I asked if there were earlier reports of Kerry's Silver Star. This was a rather ignorant question. Several posters informed me he got his Silver Star in 1969 or so. The actual question about the citation is over the citation itself, not the actual Silver Star, which wasn't issued in 1986, but fairly contemporaneously with the war.

I was "wrong" in the sense that I was asking a dumb question because I didn't know enough not to ask it.

On Thursday's Brit Hume (I love DVR), Brit Hume asked a Lt. General Cowell (?) about this, and he said he didn't know why a 1986 citation was issued, nor why that fresh citation contained new, more glowing language about John Kerry's alleged heroics. He guessed that Kerry simply asked for copies of his previous citations (they are often lost, and sometimes vets want good, fresh copies for framing), and the Navy sent along the new citation -- with new language -- gratis.

He and Brit Hume seem to think it most likely that the Navy did this of its own accord. And its reason for doing so? John Forbes Kerry was now the junior Senator from Massachusetts. Both men said this wouldn't be the first time one of the services had kissed up to a Senator or an important Congressmen in the hopes that somewhere down the line they might receive a positive vote on a weapons system. (Of course, in the case of John Forbes Kerry, all such hopes were dashed.)

That doesn't exactly settle the issue, and it's possible that Kerry requested new language making him seem more heroic, but it does suggest that this is probably not something which will end in some juicy revelation.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the important stuff:

Over at Shamu's House of Fish Stix, a commenter made this point:

Some of your posts (and the resulting threads) have focused on how Malkin looks in these unflattering shots from the interview. Because of remarks you've made in the past about certain types of personal attacks against you, it surprises me that you would resort to such petty teasing when there is so much actual content to debate.

Sort of a good point, no? Especially considering that Grimmace cries foul when you point out that he looks like Weeble with a metabolic imbalance.

But Grimmace doesn't back down:

I think she has crazy eyes. I'm sorry but it's true. I also think she's quite attractive. She can call me beady-eyed if she wants, because I am.

Well, Oliver sure seems highly restrictive about what personal, looks-based insults Ms. Malkin can offer in return. He deigns to allow her to respond that he's beady-eyed.

Well, he is beady-eyed. But, on the list of things that are unappetizing about Shamu's appearance, anything involving his eyes clocks in no higher than Number 657. The very fact that he has two of them counts in his favor, given his other, rather more compelling problems.

With all due respect, Chubbsy McLipidsac, if you attack someone on what you find to be the worst aspect of their appearance, they're allowed to attack you back on whichever part of your appearance they find most disagreeable, not just some minor flaw you've come to grips with.

And I'm no bodyist or whatnot, but I would say that your biggest problem involves, how do I put this delicately?, your gigantic sagging man-ass and big flopping he-tits.

I'm sorry but it's true. If you must, you can criticize me for my eyelashes, which have just never been as lush or as sultry as I might like. I, like most other men of my age group, have just never gotten over the fact that I didn't grow up to be Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran.

Poll: SwiftVets Swing Swing-Voters

Just mentioned on Brit Hume: A new Annenberg poll (no link; maybe not published on the Internet yet) says that 44% of Independents who've seen the first ad find it believable or very believable.

"The Mother of All Backlashes"

"Out of desperation, the Bush campaign has picked the wrong fight with the wrong veteran," said Jim Jordan, former Kerry campaign manager who now runs an outside group airing ads against Bush. "Today's the start of the mother of all backlashes." -- quoted by Wizbang

Kerry Campaign Hires New Spokesman to Handle SwiftVets' Allegations

Q. It has now been established, and tacitly admitted by the Kerry Camp, that John Kerry was never in Cambodia as he has repeatedly claimed over the years. Do you believe this diminishes Senator Kerry's credibility and/or capacity to act as commander-in-chief?

A. (Kerry Spokesman Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka "Baghdad Bob"): These are a pack of crusader lies. Lies and fabrications of the warmonger Bush. John Kerry was in Cambodia on Christmas. John Forbes Kerry lived in Cambodia for six months, deployed deep behind enemy lines, disguising himself for weeks on end as a disused highway men's lavatory. John Forbes Kerry lived in a pool of his own filth for months in order to secure his great victory over the Infidel Invaders of Cambodia.

His own filth, and that of others, Allah be praised.

Q. Changing the subject a little, John Kerry admits, in broad outlines, that the SwiftVets' account of the sampan engagement is true. He admits that an unarmed woman and infant child were shot to death on the sampan. And yet John Kerry's official after-action-report -- submitted to the Navy as the officially sworn account of events -- makes no such mention of the killed woman and child. This would seem to be an intentional omission, almost certainly unethical, and likely illegal. How do you respond?

A. Lies, lies, outrageous lies concocted by the Jew minions of the Jew Satan!!! John Forbes Kerry scored a magnificent victory over that unarmed woman and infant! Let the Rolls of Honor kept by Mohammed himself record that John Forbes Kerry acted like a Lion of Baghdad when he shot that child! It made a threatening motion.

Q. What sort of threatening motion?

A. It blew a spit-bubble, and then it shat itself.

Q. Is that really threatening?

A. Have you ever changed a diaper? You must deal firmly with these little stinkers. Next question.

Q. The SwiftVets allege that two of John Kerry's Purple Hearts were awarded for injuries sustained from something other than hostile fire, and that furthermore both of these injuries were extraodinarily superficial, and not the sort of injuries typically deserving of a citation. The number of men stating that there was no hostile fire on these occasions greatly exceeds the number of men stating that there was. Do you have a response?

A. I would like to respond to that question with a two-part answer.

Part One. There was hostile enemy fire on both occasions. The sky was so full of bullets and shells that, by Allah, the very sun was blotted from the sky, and the earth shrouded in deathly shadow. Furthermore, John Forbes Kerry's injuries were severe. His head was taken clean off by an RPG fired by the Infidel Cong. It took him three weeks to recover.

Part Two: There are no infidels in Baghdad! None! It is all a concoction of the Zionist entity! By Allah's grace, the entrails of the miscreants will roast in hell for the very blasphemy of this lie!!!

Q. That's non-responsive.

A. No, YOU are non-responsive! You will burn in the fires of the unclean for your impudence.

Q. Thank you for your time.

A. And thank you for your time. If you need a transcript of this interview, I will have it ready for you within the hour. Now, good day to you all.

(as press conference breaks up)

How did I do?

Q. Better than ever. Good to have you back.

A. Thank you very much. I'm just so tickled to be back on CNN.

Oh, and all of your bodies will rot and fester in the graveyards that are the Iraqi deserts. But I think that much is obvious.

Welcome New Readers! This post is getting more links than I expected, so let me do some self-advertisement and direct you to some posts that I think are funnier:

Top Ten Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Forbes Kerry. He says he's "fascinated" by hip-hop, you know.

A little strange, but give it a chance: Top Ten Points of Comparison Between John Forbes Kerry and Bigfoot.

And, if you're annoyed by Oliver Willis as much as I am, try taking the Oliver Willis SAT's.

The Backlash Hasn't Begun Quite Yet Update: Kelly tips to this letter to Mark Steyn from a vet who knew Kerry from the VVAW:

I met John Kerry when I became a member of the Vietnam Veterans Against the War in 1971. If I were running for office, I might be tempted to say that I joined the WAW because I was opposed to the war. The truth was less noble. I was broke, their offices were a convenient crash pad and you could meet a hell of lot of loose women by going to demonstrations as a “Vet”.

John’s current stature as a “war hero” is a measure of how few Americans - even those of the “Greatest Generation” – have ever seen the sharp end of war.

State-Specific Cowbell Alert

Nick (every man secretly wishes he was named either Nick or Steve) sends along this nugget about explosive job growth in Florida, Wisconsin, and Arizona.

Smaller-than-average cowbell because these aren't national figures:

Guess What? Florida's got a fevehh. And the only. Prescription. Is more cowbell.

Thanks to Blaster again for that fine Cowbell-song modification. He's also got thoughts about Chris Matthews, Michelle Malkin and the SwiftVets.

Has anyone noticed that Chris Matthews' ratings only climbed out of the 0.2 cellar when he became a rampaging leftie?

Does anyone think that it's entirely a coincidence that he's now counter-programming against Fox?

Update: North Carolina has the lowest unemployment in three years, and claims that it is the national jobs-creation leader.

Boys, boys: Can't we agree that you're all producing a heck of a lot of jobs?

Did Senator Sasquatch Get Awarded a Silver Star 12 Years After His Service?

I think, long ago, someone pointed this out in the comments. Foolishly, I did not pursue it, and now the Washington Times is scooping it.

Thanks to Dummocrats.com, who has one of those cool major-headlines sidebars that I love but I'm too lazy to do myself.

Update: Wizbang informs me that the Dems promise "The Mother of All Backlashes" about this. He also has lots more on the entire subject, as usual.

Update-- The Telltale V?: This guy says that Silver Stars are never awarded with the additional specification "for V" (valor), because that's a redudancy.

And yet that's precisely what John Forbes Kerry seems to have managed.

How did all of this come to pass?

The Ace of Spades HQ Assignment Desk: Yeah, this is a Kaus schtick, but I actually have a question.

Can anyone determine the first instance of John Kerry's Silver Star -- or Silver Star For Valor (?) -- being mentioned by a contemporaneous news article?

When is the earliest instance of this decoration being noted by the press?

If there is a reference dating from 1969 or 1970, that disproves the twelve-years-after charge.

If there is no mention of the Silver Star until the eighties, on the other hand -- this would seem to confirm that John Kerry only received the decoration a dozen years after the event that "warranted" it. And that not only raises a whole host of interesting questions -- how did he get secretly awarded this medal, and by whom? -- but it pretty much dooms his candidacy.

I suspect that there's a good and innocent reason why the wrong name is on his citation. I suspect this won't come to anything.

But the press doesn't seem terribly interested in proving it one way or the other.

Oliver Willis SAT's

Verbal Section. You will have twenty minutes to complete this section.

Analogies. For each question, select the answer whose word-pair most closely shares the same relationship as the given word-pair.

1. KRYPTONITE: STUPID::

A) Dexatrim: weight loss

B) salads: arterial health

C) neck-fat: blubbery insulation

D) bacon grease: delicious beverage

E) Oliver Wills: writing talent

2. LIBERAL BLOGGING: KNEEJERK HACKERY::

A) inventive comedy: 400th lame "fake news story" about Britney Spears

B) cogent analysis: Just linking whatever Josh Marshall just wrote

C) undeniable originality: still using soooo-1999 putdown "beeeyatch"

D) thoughtful substance: accusing Instapundit of a "right-wing smear"

E) Filet-O-Fish: tartar sauce

Math Section. You will have twenty minutes to complete this section.

1. In the equation,

(x + y)(x - y) = 9,

what is the value of x?

A) x equals 5

B) x equals -5

C) x equals 5 or -5

D) It cannot be determined without knowing the value of y.

E) What's a fellow have to do to get a Taco Bell Gordito around here?

2. Assume a parallelogram with angles, in clockwise order, A, B, C, and D. Angle A is 60 degrees and Angle B is 120 degrees. What can you conclude about the parallelogram?

A) Angle C measures 60 degrees

B) Angle D measures 120 degrees

C) Diagonals AC and BD are equal in length

D) All of the above

E) Is there some kind of hold-up on that Gordito?

3. You are rated, at best, a 2 as far as looks. You would like to insult a woman who easily rates an 8.5. How fucking idiotic is it for you to attempt to insult her based on her looks?

A) Really fucking idiotic

B) Somewhat fucking idiotic

C) Not fucking idiotic at all

D) 6.5

E) It cannot be determined without knowing the value of y.

Free Response Section. You will have twenty minutes to compose essays responding to the following questions.

Question 1. Would you like to Super-Size that?

Question 2. A critic accuses you of being untaleted, unoriginal, unfunny, and generally uninteresting and unremarkable as a writer. He also notes that you would appear, upon first blush, to be the sort of man who really knows his way around a sausage sandwich. Compose an essay in which you seek to prove that these observations constitute an "assault on your race" or are otherwise motivated by bigotry. Bonus points will be rewarded if you can simultaneously cry "racism" while making an unfunny, gratuitous joke about the skin color of a woman of Filipino descent.

PENCILS DOWN.

THERE'S A GUY OUTSIDE FROM DOMINO's. DID SOMEONE ORDER A DEEP-DISH DOUBLE-CHEESE SUPREME?

Open Offer to Michelle Malkin

Your site is down. The Drudge-alanche overwhelmed your system. You probably have stuff to say today, but no one can access your blog.

If you've got something you really want to say, drop an email and you can post here until your site's back up.

I'm good like that.

Meanwhile, Oliver Willis decides to insult someone based on her looks and her race.

Which is sort of odd. Isn't Willis the one who began crying "racism" when someone drew a picture of his fat ass as the Kool Aid Man?

Isn't this the whining bitch who complains about immature insults when I note that he is, let us say, several score pounds from svelte?

Do As We Say, Not As We Do.

Honestly. What the hell is someone who looks like this...

...doing within fifty miles of an insult based on looks? He shouldn't even be anywhere near the "watery borders" of such an insult.

You've heard of "Beer Muscles"? Apparently there's a delusion called "Blog Handsome."

Update: Allah, Who Does Not Eat Mollusks, suggests that Willis and I could help each other's careers:

You and O-Dub would be great together in a buddy-cop show. Lots of bickering but somehow, by the end of each episode, you'd manage to put aside your differences and foil the villain du jour. I'm thinking "Ace and the Fat Man," something like that.

Actually, I long ago pitched an Oliver Willis vehicle, which I graciously offered to produce.

I've not yet heard back from "his people."

Update: Thanks to Ms. Malkin. I might have never thanked Ms. Malkin for linking me. Even if I did, I didn't thank her enough.

Michelle Malkin throws me more traffic than just about anybody. Especially today, when she's had a Drudgealanche.

Thanks, Ms. Malkin. I just had my biggest hour of traffic ever.

The Daisy Ad Has Nothing on the SwiftVets

It's not just that the charges themselves are devastating. It's the pitch-perfect craft of the ads as well.

Thanks to Jennifer, apparently some sort of lesser-known deity.

Panicking Liberals Alert! Mickey Kaus has successfully predicted eleven of the past two liberal Kerry-Panics, but now we may be seeing the first Big Serious Liberal Panic.

Michelle Malkin was ambushed by a wildly-dishonest Chris Matthews. Drudge has linked her blog post on it, and so her site's overloaded, but you can at least read the liberal-thug take on the interview by unfunny, untalented kneejerk liberal cocksucker Keith "If I Say It In a Deep, Booming Radio Voice, It Must Be Witty" Olbermann and fellow MSNBC sweetboy Chris Matthews crowing about their television "triumphs."

Michelle stated, correctly, that the SwiftVets allege that two of John Kerry's very-superficial "wounds" were self-inflicted -- meaning shrapnel from their own ordnance, used in non-combat situations. Chrissy Matthews deliberately distorted this allegation into the straw-man charge that John Kerry deliberately shot himself, and then had a big, witty chuckle over that.

They're panicking, Big Time, as the man says, and they're descending into outright thuggery and demogoguery. They know how crucial the War Hero Myth is to John Kerry, and they strongly suspect that myth cannot stand up to close scrutiny, so they're desperately trying to choke off all discussion on the subject before such scrutiny can occur.

The non-media wing of the Democratic Party, meanwhile, has "angst" over these allegations.

They ought to.

They really, really ought to.

Pictorial Update: This is it!!!

Update: The Unpopulist reports Hugh Hewitt's Questions for Kerry. Well, somebody in the media needs to ask them, right?

Ace of Spades HQ Flashback: Friday's Bonus Top Ten

Well, I kinda like my Bigfoot list, and I'm hoping for some fresh traffic.

So, maybe I'll put up this personal-favorite Top Ten that most of the new readers haven't ever seen.

"I'm fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you'd better listen to it pretty carefully, 'cause it's important.

"I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and a reflection of life, and I understand all that." -- John "The Pandering Princeling" Kerry

...from the special one-time Home Office in Compton, LA...

Top Ten Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Forbes Kerry

10. Is on record as a staunch opponent of "frontin'" oil corporations, but supports small family-owned businesses which are "just tryin' to represent"

9. Frequently concludes anti-Bush speeches by dropping microphone and exposing his "Senator Thug" belly-tatoo

8. Never once worked for the man; got himself some high-payin' bitches and has just been pimpin' and chillin' with the bling-bling ever since

7. Pro-"jimmies," but favors controlling "nines"

6. Developed his own martial arts style combining elements of Korean Hapkiddo and pop n' lock "robot" technique of Boogaloo Shrimp from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

5. Has dedicated his public life to helping working American families get the tools and assistance they need for raising their "shorties"

4. Starred in late-eighties "rap-com," The Fresh Brahmin of Beacon Hill; series featured frequent cameos by senior Senator from Massachusetts, DJ Pantless Ted

3. Wrote and co-sponsored SR 371, nicknamed the "Truth and Quality in Dropping Rhymes Bill;" bill had laudable goal of finally outlawing "suckah MC's who gots no skills," but was defeated by a posse of playah-hatin' Southern Republicans on a voice-vote

2. Known for always "keeping his pimp-hand strong" when negotiating in conference

...and the Number One Sign of Hip-Hop Influence Hip-Hop on John Forbes Kerry...

1. Ron Smart's XFL nickname, "He Hate Me," was actually borrowed from Kerry's 1992 Senatorial re-election campaign slogan, "He Legislate Me"

Update-- Runners Up:

During Impeachment Trial, gave impassioned defense of Clinton in which he pleaded with fellow Senators, "Don't hate the player-- hate the game"

Vietnamese hooker singing "Me So Horny" on 2 Live Crew's eponymous single is actually John Kerry's illegitimate 'Cong daughter

Think MC Hammer's originated those Sultan-of-Swoop parachute pants? Check out John Kerry's June 1988 appearance on Meet the Press -- notice anything familiar?

Accepted a 1997 BET Spirit Award for Lifetime Achievement on behalf of Klyymaxx

At 1999 Rap for Reproductive Rights, explained the importance of the constitutional right to abortion first announced in the seminal case, Rizzle Vizzle Wadizzle

At his acceptance speech at Democratic National Convention, Kerry gave much love to the Creator, all peace to JC, props to his producers No-Bonze and Jellything from Bad Boy Entertainment, and a special "shout-out" to his agent Myron G. Herskovitz

The Myths, Legends, and Tall Tales Begin Crumbling...

The New York Times desperately tries to pack the toothpaste back into the tube, but the truth is now out and it's not going away.

L to R: John Forbes Kerry, "Bigfoot." No reliable reports ever place either in Cambodia.

I hate to get ahead of myself, but as Leonardo DiCaprio said in Titanic just before the final rise and fall of the breaking ship: "This is it!"

Update-- Know Your Shaggy-Haired Apocryphal Creatures!

Top Ten Points of Comparison Between Alleged Humanoid Bigfoot and Alleged "War Hero" John Forbes Kerry

10. Bigfoot stands 8'3"; John Forbes Kerry, slightly taller

9. John Forbes Kerry sports an importantly-coifed mane of hair meticulously stylized by one of America's most expensive tonsorial artistes; Bigfoot once masturbated behind a Portland SuperCuts

8. Bigfoot subsists mainly on roots, nuts, and berries; John Forbes Kerry subsists cheifly on a diet of foie gras and lonely heiresses

7. John Forbes Kerry attended an exclusive Swiss finishing school and the tony St. Paul's Academy for Boys, and has all of the refinements that an elite education and aristocratic pedigree can provide; Bigfoot, by contrast, wipes his ass with tree bark and pumice

6. Bigfoot is alleged to have stalked and killed at least five Pacific Northwest hikers; John Forbes Kerry is suspected in only three such disappearances

5. John Forbes Kerry prefers the pasttimes of the idle rich, such as "kite-surfing" and "extreme biking;" Bigfoot is an ace at Pictionary and Boggle

4. John Forbes Kerry briefly dated actress Morgan Fairchild in the 1980's; oddly enough, so did Bigfoot

3. John Forbes Kerry enjoys fox-hunting with horse and beagle; Bigfoot employs less refined methods for killing small game, such as farting in gopher holes

2. John Forbes Kerry is a personal friend of Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary; Bigfoot once toured with Foghat

...and the Number One Comparison Between Bigfoot and John Kerry...

1. One is a shadowy, elusive freak of nature concocted by fabulists and childish imaginations; the other is called "Sasquatch" by North American Indians

Correction: Hondo points out that Kerry didn't attend Andover, but rather St. Paul's. I've corrected that mistake.

All other information in this Top Ten is, of course, completely accurate.

Harris Poll: 47-47 Tie Among Likely Voters; Bush Approval at 48 (51% Negative)

Not a terrible poll at all, really.

Stunner: Kerry Flip-Flops on Troop Realignment

Thanks to K-Lo on the NRO tip:

Vice President Cheney today issued the following statement:
"Just over two weeks ago, Senator Kerry talked about the merits of troop realignment in Europe and Asia. 'There are great possibilities open to us,' he said. Yesterday he said it was a bad idea. The one consistency we have seen from Senator Kerry is that he is willing to take any position on any issue if he thinks it will benefit him politically. As we saw yesterday, these political calculations even include his positions on our national security."

Nuance? Unscrupulous partisan opportunism?

You make the call.

Update to McGreevey-Lover Story

Yesterday I linked an account which reported the assertions of a college professor that the man McGreevey hit on had had a previous gay affair, and was therefore not straight, as he maintains.

Maybe I conceded that too soon.

Jeff Jarvis reports on the Daily News' follow-up article.

Jarvis discovers this college professor is less than credible:

In a manic, disjointed interview, Miller said that Cipel had made a pillow-talk confession: He still carries a torch for McGreevey....

"One hundred thousand dollars worth of therapy later and I still don't understand," Miller said.

According to another account:

Last night, with his house surrounded by reporters, Miller spoke to the throng in only blue shorts and white socks, his hair disheveled.

"He's a little scattered," a relative member said.

Anyone care to guess at the last time the media dutifully reported an obvious maniac's delusions to the detriment of a liberal? And gave such obviously dubious claims front-page treatment?

How the fuck did these claims even get reported in the Daily News at all? Why did the first day's story -- blared on its front page -- run with his charges, while the fact that he's most likely a dangerous lunatic was saved for the second day's minor follow-up piece (not a front-page story, of course)?

Can they be more transparent?

Records Counter WaPo's Claim that Records Counter SwiftVets

All the official documentation in the world couldn't disprove the Bush AWOL charge as far as our objective media were concerned.

A citation based on a falsified report written by John Kerry is, however, plenty to "counter" the SwiftVets' allegations.

More of the same here.

And another article pointing out that John Kerry's own diary flatly contradicts his claim of being under hostile fire when he suffered his first "wound."

This last bit is absolute dynamite. I don't even think the media can manage to miss the powerfully clear evidence that Kerry lied, from John Kerry's own diary.

But I expect they'll do their level-best to miss it.

Perhaps John Kerry's diary is also a "Republican lawyer from Texas." That might explain the diary's nasty, partisan dishonesty.

Bear Drinks 36 Beers; Passes Out

I love bears. I love beer. I love this story.

Top Ten Signs a Bear May Be Drunk

10. "Weaves" as it tries to slap salmon from a river

9. Its breath stinks suspiciously of Binaca

8. In between attempting to maul your face with its enormous claws, keeps slurring the sloppy-drunk catchphrase "I lovvvve you mannnn. No, seriously, I lovvvvve you, mannnnn"

7. Can't stop giggling over the word "ursine"

6. Makes embarrassing confessions about having a gay affair with New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey

5. Insists repeatedly that it's "All right to drive, I swear," then gets into the car's rear seat and wants to know who stole the steering wheel

4. Hits on a ferociously-ugly wild boar, but keeps seeking your approval by asking, "She's got a nice rack though, right?"

3. Attempts to shit in the woods; misses

2. Won't stop asking, "White Castle? White Castle? Who's up for a White Castle run?"

...and the Number One Sign a Bear May be Drunk...

1. Says it finds Terezzza Heinz-Kerry "candid" and "refreshing," then urinates on itself

The Candid, Refreshing Terezzza: My Husband is Unqualified for the Presidency

Couldn't agree more, Terezzzza:

WOULD-BE first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry reinforced her reputation for telling it like it is yesterday by admitting her husband was not qualified for the Oval Office.

She did not elaborate on her comments, leaving Reader's Digest to bail out her husband by reporting that the "message she left hanging in the air" was "Vote for John. He's less poorly qualified than the other guy."

I would note that while Terezzza knows her gigolo husband fairly well, she's never (or barely) met Bush. Ergo, we should put more stock in her assessment of John Forbes Kerry's qualifications than his opponent's.

I'll just keep saying it: Terezzza's vaunted "candor" is simply a direct function of her billion-dollar inheretance. She's an idle-rich golddigger heiress who landed herself a whale (John Heinz, not John Forbes Kerry). She's "candid" because she has enough money to afford having little sense, tact, or regard for others.

I will note that George W. Bush also exhibited the natual effects of wealth and breeding in 2000. He was obviously confident -- perhaps overconfident, verging on cocky -- and he had the natural sense of command and entitlement that's hard to avoid when you were born one of life's lottery-winners.

The media did not, however, portray these things as a plus. They portrayed these traits as being the typical ones of a spoiled rich kid.

But Terezzza? The woman who married into at least 100x George Bush's fortune?

Why, she's candid. She's refreshing. She's got real personality. She's unafraid to speak the truth, at least as it seems to her.

I heard a lot about rich kids and a sense of entitlement and plutocratic arrogance in 2000. I hear so very little about those things now.

I wonder why.

Priceless

Update: This is actually an update to the "kill em, hang em, carve em" dove-slaughter story, but that post is so long no one would even see an update.

Marcland says people are beserko for doves in Michigan. They just love the things.

Love them as in "want to protect them from hunters," that is.

Update: I was sent the Priceless ad as an attachment; I didn't know who'd made it. Dummocrats.com shows it's not so dumm at all and figures out the ad was created by Flashbunny.org.