If you need us, we'll be in the corner praying that this is a joke

Because, really:

Confetti that will dropped at the Republican Convention in Madison Square Garden features images of President George Bush (news - web sites), his wife Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney (news - web sites) and his wife Lynne, and the Cheneys' grandson Philip Perry. The pieces of confetti, measuring about one inch in diameter, were photographed in New York Monday, Aug. 30, 2004. (AP Photo/David Karp)

Thanks to Blair for the link.

Well that's a shame

Then again, some of you may conclude that we are stickin' it:

Yes, there's something wrong. I'm tired. Does this mean I'll never post again? Damned if I know. But it won't be soon.

So why aren't they using it?

Yamantaka from xpat.org sends us this proposed banner for Men's News Daily, the home of the hottest young (and not so young) conservative writers on the web.

We like very much.

Wing Nut Porn

Seb's second-best gal has a steamy new column up at the Rant and it seems that she's decided to pour all of her pent-up sexual thoughts into an anti-John Kerry screed based on, well, something very strange. (Lest you think I'm imagining her pent-up sexual thoughts, Seb was pretty clear about them last week.)

Anyway, Marsala seems to have "discovered" an amazing new story about a woman (Lee Whitnum aka Lee Roystone) who purportedly dated John Kerry back in 1990 (when they were both single). This woman made a website where she shared some of her memories of John, posted a few snapshots of the two of them together, and then tried to sell copies of a novel she's written. For the sake of enjoying Marsala's column, we'll ignore all the press her new discovery already received a couple of weeks ago.

Probably the most important thing to bear in mind when you're reading Marsala's column is that nobody on either the Left or the Right seems to have any idea if this woman's website is legitimate. But then that's probably incidental to the grandiose vision Marsala has for her own little Swift Boat attack. It's called Did Kerry Become "Michael" in a Hot Steamy Romance Novel?

An ode to "Michael" from his entwined spiritual lover "Katherine"--

As our spirits melded together upon that fateful Earth Day in 1990, my burning bosom ached and my hot flesh began to yearn into climatically, but unquenchable desire. Especially when you said in French-- with your right eye brow debonairly raised and that ornery, bemused look-- "I served in Viet Nam"...wanna see my big bulging purple hearts you little liberal pot smokin' honey?

Boy, if it weren't for that Vietnam part, I'd swear Marsala was actually talking about Seb...

Whew wee "Michael" you've got a hot past buddy. No wonder you can't make up your mind on the issues, with hot little gal's await'n for you at Earth Day festivals.

Look, Kerry, I know this sounds crazy but some people are actually able to move on after 13 years. Some people even continue to have sex. Others (like Seb) manage to find alternative outlets for all these pent-up thoughts. If you send him an e-mail, I'm sure he'd be happy to offer some suggestions.

Reportedly John Kerry had a fan site, run by a self-proclaiming former lover-- romance novelist and liberal environmental activist-- Lee Roystone, or "Katherine," her code name during their supposed tryst so no one would know whom "Michael and Katherine" really were.

Pretty sneaky, huh?

The devoted romance novelist, Roystone, had a website dedicated to their past time together, but just recently it became disabled. It would seem Google hasn’t much to say about the cache or any knowledge of who author Roystone is. A scam possibly to sell a cheap book? Can't say, but it sure was smattered with pictures of her darling "Michael" and several hate remarks for President George Bush.

In other words, Mrs. Marsala has no idea if any of this is even true but since she thinks it makes John Kerry look bad, she'd better write a column about it.

And what about those "hate remarks" she mentions? I don't remember anything like that in the website itself. Fortunately Marsala doesn't seem too worried about things like facts getting in her way.

At this point our article is interrupted by a book cover:

Now I'll be honest. I think that cover's actually pretty funny. But what moron decided to use it in this article?

Is it Matt Drudge time?

You mean time to print unsubstantiated rumors to get them into the public consciousness regardless of their veracity? Actually, Kerry, you're a little late. Drudge already ran with this story a couple of weeks ago.

Allegedly, Roystone shared pictures of what she called her "John Kerry Scrapbook," along with intimate thoughts about the man she dated for twenty months. Sprinkled within her thoughts were captions such as, he is "a deep thinker and a good listener" and he "is not void in any area" (we won't ask what area). His "amazing brain," Roystone touts, has him being "worldly and well read-- so for Roystone this adds up to "We need him!"

Only at the Rant are things like "good listener," "amazing brain," "worldly," and "well read" considered inappropriate traits in a Presidential candidate.

Isn't it ironic, in the last couple of months how many books and DVD's are coming out bashing President Bush and drooling over John Kerry?

There's something ironic about that sentence, alright, but I don't think the irony falls quite where Marsala expected it.

Evidently "Michael" you had a lasting impact on "Katherine" you've made it into a romance novel. You little macho, suave, French speaking man you. Katherine, how do you say?...Michael you're one passionne' Francais a parlant caresser, so you should be-- le Dictateur.

Kerry, honey, you may want to work on your English before trying to tackle French.

By the way who was the guy on the front cover of the "Hedge Fund Mistress?" He didn't look like John Kerry, his eyebrows weren't plucked, and there were no tell tale signs of Botox or Clairol number 5.

That's an especially weird question considering that it's a naked woman on the cover. Given Marsala's confusion here, I'm beginning to think it's been a really long time.

Her closing paragraph doesn't do much to alleviate that thought.

I think I'll make sure Bill Clinton gets a copy of "Hedge Fund Mistress," he'd probably enjoy reading it, with a fine Havana cigar.

That's quite a fantasy for a Wing Nut. Thankfully Seb gets back on Monday. Hopefully he'll be able to help her out a little.

Kerry Marsala

Lee Whitnum, aka Lee Roystone

How The Bible Predicted A Devastating Blow To Our National Penis

Just in case Kerry Marsala's sex-filled column wasn't satisfying enough for you, I invite you over to the Dark Window where you'll meet a Wing Nut of truly epic proportions. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.

Shock, Awe, and Amber Pawlik

Well, as you already learned in the post immediately preceding this one, our lovable host of Sadly, No!, the self-proclaimed third-funniest person on the internet, had to make an unexpected trip back home for a funeral. While he's away, I, Pete M. of the Dark Window, the guy Seb ranked dead last in his survey of internet humor, will try to keep you at least nominally entertained. As Seb hinted in his farewell entry, I have several time constraints of my own over the next few days so don't expect any high-quality entries like you'd find at World O'Crap. In other words, you can rest assured that this blog will retain its usual low standards until Seb returns.

As I was getting off the plane in Frankfurt to post this entry, I was startled to see our old friend Amber Pawlik bounding by in the opposite direction, just about to board the non-stop flight to State College, PA. You may remember how I accidentally let her loose the last time Seb went away. As you can probably imagine, he's still pretty mad about that.

Knowing I should do everything in my power to return her to Seb's custody, I sprinted over and prepared to nab her. Imagine my surprise when she turned to me and said this:

It has been said before that the “pen is mightier than the sword.” The “pen” refers to the power of ideas, expressed in written word. While the power of ideas is important, and no person or country will win without them, I have come to believe that the sword is mightier than the pen.

He-ey! Sounds like maybe Amber’s lookin’ to get frisky! This might be more fun than I thought.

I came to this conclusion based on my work with Iran.

Oh.

And then she said this:

There is a very strong movement in Iran, among the students, that wishes to overthrow the mullahs who terrorize Iran.

Noooooo! Not another Amber rant about Iran and how its college students need guns!

I tried to grab her before she could continue but I was too late. The rant had begun.

Blah blah blah thugs do not understand reason; they understand force blah blah blah if you want to have a strong civilization, you must have a strong sword – for protection blah blah blah the first two staples of their Bill of Rights should be exactly the same as ours: the right to free speech and the right to bear arms blah blah blah.

I fought back a sudden need to sleep and, in spite of the incredibly soporific quality of her words, was just about to apprehend her when I found myself shocked, awed, and practically blinded.

You see, right behind her in the Mens News Daily international terminal was this:

Shock and Awe!
By: Brian Voss, Co Host of The Rich and Voss Show
On www.instantfm.com

‘Must. Not. Click,’ I told myself, knowing that if I did, Amber would escape yet again. But I couldn’t help it. And here’s the shockingly awe-ful thing that greeted me:

The Shock and Awe! T-shirt

All thoughts of Amber immediately forgotten, I found myself mesmerized by this incredible shirt.

Fortunately, Brian Voss was there to explain this truly extraordinary piece of fashion. What makes it so extraordinary? Listen:

This weekend I accompanied my family to our local shopping mall. The mall was flooded with Back-To-School shoppers getting those last minute supplies and clothes. I thought to myself, what better a place to unleash some Shock and Awe on my liberal friends. Now this is not an easy task. Shocking a liberal is very hard because they are usually trying to shock us normal humans. But I have found the way to do it!

That's right. And it's with a (surprise surprise) product Brian just happens to be selling. And not only can you buy it, but it's now available for a special RNC sale price of $12.95. That's a savings of $5.00!!!

Most Bush supporters will put their W4 bumper stickers on their cars. Maybe they’ll wear a W4 T-shirt. I have to be honest with you though; most of America is saying “What the heck is W4”?

I don't know about "most of America" but I was sure saying that.

But if you really want to get a reaction, if you really want to see smoke billowing from a liberals ears, if you really want to see the spawn of Satan tear out of their bellies like the Aliens movie, you wear a “Bush Is My Homie” T-Shirt to a crowded public place.

That sounds like a pretty dangerous shirt.

Oh the magnificent joy of watching the liberal left shaking their heads in absolute disgust. This T-Shirt is to liberals as what garlic is to vampires.

Well you know, Brian, when you wear your shirt for two weeks straight without washing it, you're bound to get reactions like that.

They whisper, they point but best of all they see that the whole world is not on their side. You know what they’re thinking, “How dare those damn conservatives try to be hip!” They hide their children’s eyes in hopes that they wont also want to wear the Ultra Cool “Bush Is My Homie” T-Shirt.

Trust me, Brian. That's not why they're hiding their children's eyes. And that's certainly not why they're whispering and pointing.

And of course you’ll find your brothers and sisters by wearing this shirt. They smile in delight. They come up and say hello. They thank you for being brave enough in a liberal world to show the true red, white and blue. What is so profound about this particular slogan? What makes this the most effective campaign gear of the 2004 election? Well that’s easy, it simply says it all in a language that we all understand, especially the liberals. Bush Is My Homie. He is my friend. He cares about me. I care about him. George Bush makes me feel good.

In other words, George Bush is pretty much like Jesus but without all those dumb rules like loving your neighbor.

If you really want to be effective and help the Bush campaign, wear the shirt to a movie theatre.

Brian's probably right about that one. At least in the movie theater nobody will see how ridiculous it looks because it will be dark and everybody will be watching the screen.

Let me be more specific, wear it to a movie theatre that is playing Fahrenheit 911. A few weeks ago as I went to see King Arthur at my local theatre I proudly displayed my Bush Is My Homie shirt. Oh, the looks of distain I received from the left and Oh, the cheers I received from the right.

Wow! Every shirt-wearer's wildest dream come true...spontaneous applause!

But nothing yielded more satisfaction then when I stepped up to purchase my ticket and the young lady, who couldn’t have been but Twenty years old said over the speaker to me “Way to go! I wish more people wore a shirt like that!”

It seems that Brian failed to notice the young ladies in the booth doubled over with laughter as he walked away.

Sometimes you have to bring out the Shock and Awe to get noticed.

Most states have laws against that type of thing, though.

Sometimes it’s the only way to get your message out. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. By now you have probably seen one of these T-Shirts in your town or city as they continue to ship out all over the country.

As amazing as it sounds, I haven't!

The Bush Is My Homie Army is growing rapidly and I’m proud to be a member. InstantFM.com is the place to get them and thank God they are doing it and thank God I get to be a host on a radio network that makes no bones about it, Bush Is Their Homie!

Needless to say, the Bush Is My Homie Army foiled Amber's capture yet again. But hey, at least I came out of this whole thing with an ultra-hip new t-shirt plus five dollars to spare. Just wait 'til all those young ladies see me struttin' through the mall in this thing!

"Hey, baby. How about letting me buy you a Cinnabon?"

Going back to Cali Cana (da)

The management's presence is required back in our home and native land for a funeral. Blogging may happen while we are away, and it may not. Pete M. from The Dark Window may post to keep you entertained, and he may not.

For the next few days then, you may do any, all or none of the following:

What's German for "Simmer down now!?"

Over at the always reliable MedienKritik, the good people are getting all excited about alleged lies in the German press:

In a harangue of the Bush administration which has grown typical in the German media, the Sueddeutsche Zeitung's Stefan Ulrich writes:

"...On April 28 a representative of the Bush government before the Supreme Court claimed: US soldiers don't torture."

Ulrich's commentary, intended as a devastating moral indictment of the Bush Administration, is based largely upon the claim that a "representative of the Bush government" actually asserted that "US soldiers don’t torture" before the Supreme Court. But after looking into the matter, we discovered that Mr. Paul D. Clement, the Deputy Solicitor General from the Department of Justice who argued the government's case in both proceedings before the high court that day, never made that statement.

Clement never made any such claim? Sadly, Yes! Given that MedienKritik links to the Supreme Court transcripts, one imagines the problem here is one of deficient reading skills, since those transcripts contain the following exchange:

QUESTION: Suppose the executive says mild torture we think will help get this information. It's not a soldier who does something against the Code of Military Justice, but it's an executive command. Some systems do that to get information.

MR. CLEMENT: Well, our executive doesn't[.] [Rumsfeld v. Padilla, p. 22.]

Could it be any clearer? If not, how about this one?

Well, just to give one example, I think [!] that the United States is signatory to conventions that prohibit torture and that sort of thing. And the United States is going to honor its treaty obligations. [Hamdi v. Rumsfeld, p. 49.]

MedienKritik also tells us that:

Something clearly does not add up here if we are to believe Mr. Ulrich: A government so convinced that "US soldiers don't torture" that it would be willing to argue as much before the Supreme Court would never have taken reports of abuse seriously nor would it have launched an investigation into such reports. But the Bush government did take allegations of abuse and torture "very seriously" [according to unnamed Pentagon officials --S,N!]

Hey, if anonymous Pentagon officials say so, you know it can be trusted! We agree something doesn't add up -- but it has more to do with a certain person's battle with cognitive dissonance than problems with the German media. Not only did Clement tell tall tales to the Supremes, today we learn that:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A high-level panel investigating U.S. military detention operations has concluded that top Pentagon officials and the military command in Iraq contributed to an environment in which detainees were abused at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, a defense official said on Tuesday.

The independent Pentagon panel headed by former Defense Secretary James Schlesinger found that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and the Joint Chiefs of Staff failed to exercise proper oversight over confusing detention policies at U.S. prisons in Iraq, Afghanistan and Cuba, the official said.

And now for the big MedienKritik conclusion:

In this case, one point made by Mr. Ulrich is true: "Propaganda is seldom exposed so quickly and brutally." Just another day at the office for Medienkritik...

Looks to us like someone put up their "Mission Accomplished" sign a bit too early.

We don't just love Kerry and Justin

We love Amber Pawlik too!

On enemy sites

The website www.sadlyno.com has made it a mission to (attempt to) make fun of me regularly

And to think tomorrow is national kiss & make up day.

Michelle Malkin Jokes

Michelle's lines that generated the most laughter, from her appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher on August 13:

Kerry and Justin, we love you both very, very much!

Regular readers (Frederick and Pete) of Sadly, No! know how much we admire the work of the Batman & Robin of the hottest conservative writers on the web: Kerry L. Marsala and Justin Darr. So when both our heroes publish columns on consecutive days, we take it as a sure sign that we must bring their work to your attention. Let's start with Kerry's The Full Exposure of the WMD's:

Intelligence gathers have been slowly building their case against these "Women of Mass Destruction" it has taken awhile, but they wanted to make sure all angles of possible escape from what they represent were fully established. The ultimate missile that finalized the case for these "WMD's" was Theresa Heinz Kerry. Her quick temper and the inability to keep her mouth shut-- has her spiteful lips exposing her mass destructive behaviors rapidly. Statements such as, "Shove it," launched at a reporter and "Four more years of hell," blasted like poison gas at Bush supporters who showed up at a Kerry rally, reveals she's running for a socialistic partnership with her husband.

Is it a right-wing requirement to work the word "socialistic" into any column, regardless of whether or not it makes any sense? Wait, don't answer that.

Candidates if your spouse isn't the one running for office-- strap their mouths shut and quit letting your "loose cannons" fire at will.

Someone better tell the Bush campaign:

Mrs. Bush is hitting the road these days, already putting in long hours on the campaign trail.

The Bush campaign sees the first lady as a major asset, and officials say they plan to use her to woo independent voters in key swing states — like Arkansas, the first stop on her latest trip.

Moving along. Kerry tells us:

The "Women of Mass Destruction" are here espousing, lobbying, and dropping their ideals of destroying America and her freedoms, these women are dangerous and desire a socialistic America. The "WMD's" we know are amongst us, they've been found-- time is quickly ticking by-- how will we dismantle the war heads and cut their red wires, before the detention and annihilation of our Republic occurs? [Emphasis added]

WCAATT!*

* We Can't Add Anything To That, ® The Dark Window.

As for Justin, his latest column is rather lame but we must give him extra points for working in the Nazi angle:

The Nazi tactics used by the Kerry Campaign to trample the rights of the Swift Boat Vets; from pandering to left leaning book store managers to either not order the Swift Boat Vets’ book, "Unfit for Command", or display it in a low traffic area, to trying to harass Regnery Publishing to discontinue printing the book, to threatening lawsuits to any media outlet that runs their ads, goes below the nadir of even the worse political mudslinging. This is America for God's sake, not 1938 Berlin!

Besides that though, we have to say we're very disappointed. At this rate, our very own Yosef may soon become the hottest young conservative writer on the web.

Well imagine that!

Ann Althouse is unhappy about this claim by NYT TV critic Alessandra Stanley:

It is particularly confusing on Fox News, where so many of its blond female anchors look like Amber Frey.

Writing in reply:

Yes, all those blondes look alike, don't they? I think most Fox News viewers can tell the difference between the beautiful Laurie Dhue and anyone else.

Which isn't especially noteworthy until you realize that Althouse herself looks like Amber Frey:

PS: Laurie Dhue, beautiful? File this one in the few would dispute that Ann Coulter is a babe file.

Today's word is...

Shadowy! Scooby McClellan speaks:

the President has called on Senator Kerry to join him in calling for all of these ads and activity by these shadowy groups ... Let's call for an end to all of these ads by these shadowy groups ... The President has been on the receiving end of more than $63 million in negative attacks from these shadowy groups ... Well, he believes we should get rid of all of this activity and ads by these shadowy groups. ... That is the answer: Senator Kerry should join us in calling for an end to all of this unregulated soft-money activity by these shadowy groups ... These ads are another example of the problem with these shadowy groups.

Did President Bush call for an end to these shadowy groups in 2000?

One of the most often cited examples was Republicans for Clean Air, a group that ran $ 2.5 million in TV ads supporting Texas Gov. George W. Bush during his GOP presidential primary fight against Sen. John McCain. [Tampa Tribune, August 14, 2000.]

When two brothers from Texas can form a 527 overnight, fund $2.5 million in last-minute ads and anonymously turn a probable McCain win into a Bush victory, voters have a compelling right to know: Who's footing that bill? What contractual relationship might they have with a Bush administration? [Plain Dealer, Cleveland. July 5, 2000.]

And finally:

The measure, which cleared the Senate 92-6, will no longer allow groups organized under Section 527 of the tax code to raise unlimited amounts of money for political purposes without identifying the donors and how the money is spent. ...

Other tax-exempt interest groups and companies - which some Republicans tried unsuccessfully to include in the bill - will remain free to run ads without disclosing their donors as long as the groups stick to advocacy issues and do not directly advocate a candidate's election or defeat.

"Passage of this bill proves that public interest can triumph over special interests," Clinton said in a statement urging lawmakers to approve other election-law changes. The legislation also was praised by Vice President Al Gore and Texas Gov. George W. Bush. [Emphasis added] [The Houston Chronicle, June 30, 2000.]

Added: Related comments from the very funny Outside the Tent.

The Bible Code for by Dummies

The Dark Window takes a look at Jack Kinsella, who has apparently figured out that the bible predicted John Kerry's treasonous behavior:

Allow me to paraphrase Paul to illustrate my point (with apologies to the Author). "For men shall supporters of secular humanism, wanting power at all costs, boasters (Was Kerry in Cambodia in 1968?) supporters of the ACLU, supporters of restricting parental rights, unthankful and unholy.

Read the whole thing -- and find out why same-sex marriage is "classical Marxism."