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| "This is a good blog. This is the best blog. It is about god and the universe and those horrible screaming monkeys and that time I made a pizza out of an old tire and a can of whip cream. It is the Fafblog." - Fafnir on Fafblog |
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Fafblog picture of the week |
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Do you got the BALLS to vote for George Bush?
Giblets is standin' in the special blogger press box at the Republican National Convention, where he is being annointed with oils by scented wage-slaves and fed luscious grapes, as befits a blogger of his stature! And from here he has heard what is undoubtedly the greatest speech ever given at a political convention ever, if not the greatest speech on anything in all of time. By Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is true - his oratorial skills are only matched by his prowess as an actor! What struck Giblets the most - other than Arnold's moving story of growing up in an alternate-universe Soviet-occupied Austria - was his challenge to America. "To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don't be economic girly-men!" Presidents with BALLS create massive, half-trillion-dollar deficits and lose millions of jobs! Weak-kneed fiscally-conservative PUSSIES worry about "balancing the budget" and "creating more jobs"! Well Giblets has a message to those pussies straight from the Governor of California: stop worrying about growing the economy and start growing a penis and testicles! 'Cause real men flush economies down the toilet, let terrorists escape, invade the wrong countries and go on to beat the Predator in a knock-down drag-out no-holds-barred fight! Giblets, like all real-men Republicans, is wrestling a giant squid as he writes this in his press box. Will you wrestle that giant squid? Do you have the sperm-producing power to do so? And do you have the same powerful testes to vote for Bush? If not Giblets will simply assume that you are a shriveled impotent hermaphroditic wretch and will be throwin' spitballs at you from the back of the classroom until such a time as you summon the testicular fortitude to support the President who courageously shrugs in the face of North Korean nuclear proliferation. ¶ posted by Giblets at 10:49 PM
Liddy Dole: Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control!
Giblets does not spend much time on Republican women other than to respond to the eternal query, "Which of the Bush twins is the hottest?" (Obvious answer: Barbara.) But one has lit a flame in my Gibletsian heart. Yes, the flame of Liddy Dole, whose spastic, stream-of-consciousness appeals from one right-wing cause celebre to another have melted Giblets's iron heart! Who else could effortlessly segue from anti-abortion rhetoric to gay-bashing in a single sentence? Who else could claim the invocation of Christ on the penny as an inalienable human right? Giblets was hopin' she'd top it off by dropping her pants, mooning the cameras an sayin "Fuck you, religious minorities! America is Jesusland!" but she obviously chose to close more subtlely and let Laura Bush take the glory. And all this on compassion night! Man, I thought all these speeches were gonna be for pussies. ¶ posted by Giblets at 6:47 PM
So Your City Is Full Of Republicans!
A Fafblog Guide So it is Republican National Conventiontime an there are all these funny people in your town all of a sudden. They do not look like you. They do not act like you. They may dress in more cow-an-flag-themed apparel than you are accustomed to. Do not panic! They are not invaders or zombies (if they are please consult the Fafblog guide So Your City Is Full Of Zombies!). They are Republicans an they are jus like you an me! Take a minute an get to know your new Republican neighbors with Fafblog!
Recap: Night 1 of the RepNatConSpec!
Fafblog is proud to bring you blog coverage of the Republican National Convention Spectacular 2004! With any luck this convention will almost be as excitin as the Democratic National Convention in Boston! Will the Republicans nominate President Bush? Will they not nominate President Bush? Will they perhaps on a surprise whim nominate Maine's Olympia Snowe? Who knows it is a convention everythin is up in the air! Take last night when firebrand maverick John McCain spoke an broke away from his prepared remarks an insteada sayin "George Bush strong, 9/11 Iraq, Michael Moore fat," he started goi on abot how George Bush was a weak an ineffectual president who had blown the war on terror an urged Republicans to unite behind a strong competent leader with the focus an intelligence to defeat the terrorists. An then he exploded on stage! Then later on former mayor Rudolph Giuliani got up an said that gays should be given the same rights an priveleges as all other Americans an should be welcomed into the Republican Party instead of chased out of it. And then he turned into a giant radioactive lizard an set the city on fire with his nuclear breath! Man oh man this convention! What will happen next! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 3:27 PM
Fafblog... in HELL!
Fafblog is back an is reportin live. But it seems we are reportin live... from HELL! Where else but Hell would it be so hot an so humid an so full of Republicans an anarchists an puppets? "This hot dog cost me three dollars!" says Giblets. "Truly this is the land of the damned!" How did me an Giblets end up in Hell? We do not know! We were takin a bus to the Republican National Convention an somethin terrible musta happened like a wayward collision with a toad-driven retro automobile or a lost fiddle contest cause here we are! "But didn't Santa give us salvation for Christmas?" says me. "We did not have enough faith in him!" says Giblets. "An now look at us we are damned to hell!" I think for a sec maybe it isn't true but then LOOK! There is CNN's Aaron Brown! An Brit Hume! An Hannity - AND Colmes! Truly this is the land of the damned! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 2:21 PM Tuesday, August 24, 2004
beach
Me an Giblets an the Medium Lobster are goin to the beach for a while. "Why Fafnir what could possibly be goin on at the beach that could require your brilliant investigative journalist skills" you are of course askin. Sand my friends. Very large clumps of sand. Is sand the new swing vote? The new "soccer mom" or "NASCAR dad"? Fafblog will find out. We will be back in one (1) week. What could happen while we are out? ¶ posted by Fafnir at 9:36 PM
not the end of the world
"Do you think the world is gonna end?" says me. "It has to," says Giblets. "Or else the scene'll get dull, man." "It has to to achieve closure," says me. "It has to or else Giblets will be damn pissed!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants death-comets! Giblets wants his plague of frogs!" "Do you think Jesus will come back?" says me. "Not without a ton of funding," says Giblets. "Thats true," says me. "The budget for the Jesus Apocalypse is pretty huge." "The special effects alone," says Giblets. "An Jesus doesn't come cheap either." "What about a natural disaster?" says me. "Like climate change or flyin saucers?" "Bah!" says Giblets. "Climate change is an urban myth like bigfoot an the CIA an the Irish!" "Could bigfoot end the world?" says me. "Nah, his foot's too big," says Giblets. "What if we run outta oil cause theres only so much oil an we all keep usin oil an the world jus stops cause it all runs on oil?" says me. "We will never run out of oil!" says Giblets drinkin oil. "Giblets that is what you said about runnin out of dodos," says me. "There are still some out there!" says Giblets. "Come back to Giblets little dodos! Giblets misses you so!" "What if the sun explodes?" says me. "Then we will escape the sun on mighty space arks an spread the seed of our glorious species throughout the galaxy!" says Giblets. "What if the galaxy explodes?" says me. "Then we will evolve into giant cosmic luminous New Age Space Whales an fly through the universe devourin all who oppose us!" says Giblets. "What if the universe explodes?" says me. "Then who cares about the universe anyway Giblets has always hated it it smells like space-smell!" says Giblets. "What if the world ends an we miss it?" says me. "What if we are walkin around one day goin 'Wow this is such a neat world' an then all of a sudden it is gone an we didnt notice it goin?" "That would never happen!" says Giblets. "It is too lame an anticlimactic!" "I don't want the world to end," says me. "I like the world." "Well you can't keep hangin onto the universe forever," says Giblets. "It's all part a growin up." "But Giblets!" says me. "We are faced with an eschatological dilemma! If the world ends don't we end too?" "Never!" says Giblets. "The world may be temporal but Fafnir an Giblets are forever!" "Yes!" says me. "We defy all ends! An middles an beginnings for good measure!" "We defy linearity!" says Giblets. "We are of the internet and embrace its heady disjointed bosom!" "We are hypertextual dispensationalists!" says me. "The endtimes cannot touch us!" "But what will we do after the world ends?" says Giblets. "Dunno," says me. "We got that ol Yahtzee set." "An Risk the game of world domination," says Giblets. "An Fafblog," says me. "An Fafblog," says Giblets. "Even after the end of the age." ¶ posted by Fafnir at 6:31 PM Sunday, August 22, 2004
bad Blogger™! bad, bad Blogger™!
It has been a bad crazy time at Fafblog over the past sumpin-sump hours but lately it has gotten badder an crazier as a number of our permalinks do not work right. "Stupid permalinks!" says Giblets. "Stop bein stupid!" "We must be patient with permalinks," says me. "They are the buildin blocks of blogs. They are the babies from which our full-grown internet posts spring. Hush, little permalink. Hush now." Our blog it looks like has been messed-up bad by Blogger™ again. Not only is Blogger™ corruptin our blog-babies, it has stuck some stupid banner thing on top of Fafblog which cuts into the appealin Fafblog Seal of Quality. If you cannot accurately count the cows on the Fafblog Seal of Quality how do you know that Fafblog guarantees that Fafblog is of four-cow caliber? I for one am gettin fed up with Blogger™ an if it does not shape up there will be discipline. "Bad babies need discipline," says Giblets. "Stick em in a potato sack or a pickle jar for an hour or two an they straighten right out." "Where are your children again?" says me. "Their weird mothers wouldnt let me see em," says Giblets. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 10:57 AM Friday, August 20, 2004
NOOZ FLASH! Journalism unravelling!
Serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds reports that journalism is "unravelling before our very eyes" on accounta that The Washington Post hasnt mentioned the terrible fact that when John Kerry was sent to Cambodia he apparently was sent there several days after he remembered bein sent there! "It's insane!" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. "They call this 'objective' 'journalism'? How can we answer the question 'Should this man be president?' when our media refuses to address the question of his deeply questionable memory for dates?" "He says he was in Cambodia around Christmas but he was really in Cambodia in January!" says me. "He could be off by as much as three weeks! Three and a half even!" "What if he's supposed to meet with Kim Jong Il and he shows up three weeks early?" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. "Mushroom clouds over Seoul, that's what if!" "Now that would be 'seared' in his memory!" says me. "Heh!" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. It is not too late to save yourselves from obsolescence Fourth Estate! Please report this vital story now! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 8:58 PM
FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK 2!: Fafblog interviews: THE PRESIDENT
Well this is perhaps the weightiest an import-est day ever in our week of weight an import because today we are interviewin none other than the President of the United States himself George W. Bush! It is amazin what is he doin talkin to a little internet blog! FAFBLOG: Mr. President thank you so much for bein here today! GEORGE W. BUSH: The lesion is all mine, Fafnir. FB: Now Mr. President there's been a lotta talk lately about how "oh there were no weapons in Iraq" an "oh there was no al Qaeda connection to Iraq" an "oh holy crap why are we stuck in Iraq" an "can you please please get us out of Iraq." GWB: Fafnir, you hear all kindsa crazy talk out there. Some people out there believe in things like bigfoot an' global warming. But one thing is certain: we could not shrink from our duty in confronting terror in Iraq. If freedom is to defeat terror, it must demonstrate its strengthativity over evil. It must be tough. Real tough. So tough it must attack the terrorists where they don't even exist. FB: Wow... that is pretty tough! GWB: Now watch me cut this tree branch with a chainsaw. FB: Hey, you are pretty tough-lookin yourself Mr. President! That tree branch didn't stand a chance! GWB: Some days I take on a whole hedge all by myself. FB: Now Mr. President things arent goin too good rebuildin Iraq an a lotta people say you coulda planned for it better or maybe at all. What do you say to those people Mr. President? GWB: Y'know, Fafnir, Iraq is free now. It has freedom. You can't hold back and delay freedom. A great American once said that freedom denied is freedom... not good freedom. FB: I think that was Cap'n Crunch! He was also a military man! GWB: Freedom can't wait for UN bureacrats or weapons inspectors or post-war plannin', Fafnir. Freedom's gotta bust out an' be freedom. FB: I hear freedom is gay! Come out freedom! We will still love you! GWB: But in order to spread freedom we must be resolute against the voices of negatissity that would deny that freedom to others. The same negative naysayers that criticize our liberation of Afghanistan and the Moon. FB: But the Moon is so much better since we liberated it! GWB: The Moon now enjoys peaceful security and freedom, Fafnir. The moon is a rising democracy, and we are moving forward with swiftitude toward free elections on the Moon, where all the people will freely participate in their newfound freeness. FB: Think of all the obstacles they overcame like not existing. GWB: Now watch me rope this moo cow. FB: That is some impressive ropin! I bet you coulda roped him even better if he was awake! GWB: Thankya very much Fafnir. 'Preciate it. FB: Now Mr. President a group called Swift Boat Vets for Trooth are attackin John Kerry's war record. GWB: I respect and admire what John Kerry did to serve his country, and I would never attack his war record, even if some people say he mighta shot himself in the foot on purpose to get outta 'Nam. FB: Really? Who says that? GWB: Some people. But I'd never say anything against John Kerry's war record, Fafnir. I just call upon both parties to eleminate all independent political speech like these ads, the ones that attack me, an' the people who say John Kerry's an enormous crab alien from the crab planet come to turn us all into crabs. FB: Oh wow! Who says that? GWB: Some people, you know. Don't pay much attention to it myself. You wanna go to a rally for 'em? Here's a flyer. FB: It is very generous of you to promote this group even though you think they shouldnt get any money Mr. President. GWB: I guess it's just part of my down-to-earth, heartland values. FB: Hey - I guess it is! GWB: Now watch me eat a whole yak dipped in barbecue sauce. Tomorrow we will close Interview Sorta-Week with one of the great thinkers of our time. All of us are very excited! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 7:43 PM Thursday, August 19, 2004
the Jesus Bread-Golem Project hits another snag
Well I just found this story by way of Balloon Juice (one of the finest kindsa juice) an it has us dismayed over at Fafblog. "I am dismayed because that little girl cannot eat the wafer," says me. "Without the wafer she will never get her recommended daily allowance of Jesus." "Giblets is not concerned with the heartless exclusionary legalism of the Catholic hierarchy!" says Giblets. "Giblets is concerned because it clearly states that only unleavened wheat can turn into parts of Jesus! We have been workin with leavened flour!" "But we have to Giblets," I says pointin at the nicely molded Jesus dough. "Otherwise our Jesus Bread-Golem will not rise when we bake him." "But what is the point of bakin a Jesus if the priest we get cannot turn him into a real Jesus?" says Giblets. "We will just have a huge, useless, tasty, fresh, bready Jesus sittin in our oven!" "But surely God will want to transubstantiate our bread Jesus," says me. "It is our best plan yet for bringin Jesus back." "God can't make regular bread into Jesus! It is against the Jesus code!" says Giblets. "I told you we should have brought Jesus back as Cyborg Jesus. We have the technology. We can rebuild him!" "We cannot afford the technology," says me. "It is like the time we tried to build Mecha-Jesus an could only buy one mechanical Jesus toe." "We would have already had a functioning Jesus Clone if it wasn't for you gettin the wrong Shroud of Turin," says Giblets. "The Pope tole me it was genuine Jesus blood!" says me. "An now we are stuck with Crazy Templar Guy in our basement," says Giblets. There is an eerie Latin moanin comin up from underneath. "I think he is hungry," says me. "He wants more soup an Byzantine gold." "Man," says Giblets, "I hate Crazy Templar Guy." ¶ posted by Fafnir at 2:17 PM
In the future Osama will be made of lasers
So on Tuesday George Bush said his plan for a missile defense shield showed he was living in the future. So far into the future he doesn't have to worry about terrorists anymore. "I think those who oppose this ballistic missile system really don't understand the threats of the 21st century," he said. "They're living in the past. We're living in the future. We're going to do what's necessary to protect this country."Namby-pamby suspiciously-French-lookin' Democrat John Kerry is plannin' to take money AWAY from this incredibly important overpriced boondoggle and send it towards expanding the military! Clearly John Kerry is not living in the future! He is stranded way back in the present, when we still needed "troop strength" and "special forces" to hunt down "terrorists"! George Bush is more interested in the threats of tomorrow, which oddly enough look strangely like the threats of 1980: thousands of intercontinental missiles comin' across the sea from commie nations, possibly such as North Korea* and France. Our only defense against them? A missile shield that will one day, in the future, fail only about eighty to ninety percent of the time! Again Giblets is not impressed! Giblets is living even farther into the future, in a time when terrorism and pinko-tyranny are both irrelevant! Giblets demands that we spend 1.8 trillion dollars on an array of massive space lasers pointed outward to defend Earth against the onslaught of immense insectoid invaders who will strike from beyond the asteroid belt! Giblets will not allow the tyrant Bug Emperor to lay its death spores in our atmosphere - and the whiney pleas of those stuck formulating "today's" foreign policy to secure the former Soviet nuclear stockpile will not get in his way! Once more Giblets outdoes George Bush at every turn! Whose vision is grander? Who not only bypasses today's wars to fight what we think are tomorrow's, but gives tomorrow a pass for sometime next week? The answer is clear: Giblets! *Fafnir interjects "wouldn't it have been a good idea to have yknow worked to disarm North Korea so we wouldn'ta haveta talk about a missile shield" Goway Fafnir what do you know bout livin in the future! ¶ posted by Giblets at 9:29 AM
even more Gibletsian posting rules
1. There will be cheering for Giblets during Giblets's posts. 2. No one wearing t-shirts for anti-Giblets personae, such as Mutton or Stelbig, will be permitted. 3. No one wearing t-shirts for non-Giblets personae, such as Fafnir or the seminal proto-punk band Velvet Underground, will be permitted. 4. When Giblets addresses hostile-to-Giblets demographics such as women or old people or the Pope or unions or smelly people or humans, they are to sit quietly in the back while pro-Giblets people crowd in front of them and cheer for Giblets. 5. When you first enter the post a Giblets supporter will ask you, "Do you support Giblets? If not why don't you support Giblets? Support Giblets! Support Giblets now!" Then they will yell at you and hit you with small hammers and fish until you relent. 6. You may now cheer for Giblets. 7. Cheer for him NOW. ¶ posted by Giblets at 8:37 AM Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Marriage is Preserved!
One week after the California Supreme Court annulled over over 4,000 gay marriages in San Francisco, the Medium Lobster is pleased to report that marriage is already strengthening in America. Marriage - once thought to have been destroyed beyond repair due to the dual throbbing sodomite assault in both Massachusetts courtrooms and upon the late, lamented Federal Marriage Amendment - has been notably strengthened since the decision. Divorce rates have plummeted throughout not only California, but the nation in general. Rush Limbaugh, the Medium Lobster is given to understand, is getting back together with not just one, but all three of his ex-wives. California governor and gay marriage opponent Arnold Schwarzenegger has noted that he will continue to grope and manhandle strange women, but now when he does so, he will do it in order to lovingly honor his sacred bonds of matrimony. And Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has sprouted five new penises with which he may deposit fertilizing seed within the womb of his Godly, heterosexual wife. For those poor souls still living in desolate regions where gay civil marriage throws its dark shroud over the land, the Medium Lobster advises the installation of miniature clones of valiant culture-warriors such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who will repeatedly shout "Your marriage is more real than a gay person's! Your marriage is more real than a gay person's!" in order to boost the strength of proper, heterosexual, vaginal-intercourse marriage with powerful bigot-beams. ¶ posted by Medium Lobster at 1:37 PM
The Priest-Avatar of the State
There are times when the Medium Lobster is beseeched by linear beings who seek to understand a portion of that greater wisdom which is possessed by the Medium Lobster. And today the Medium Lobster has deigned it appropriate to respond. Petitioner Stephen Richards asks: I seek your enlightenment on the question of how much knowledge a true citizen should need before an election. In particular I am curious to whether the candidates - if deemed elected - would invade Iran to protect us all from the forces of evil. ...Ah, Stephen. The larger issue - should America invade Iran? - is a serious one, and will surely be addressed by the Medium Lobster in the days to follow. But your question - should the press ask George Bush and John Kerry if they support an invasion of Iran? - is even more crucial, for it goes to the very heart of the nature of the Presidency itself. No, Stephen, the media should not press a candidate - or an elected President, for that matter - on his wartime plans. Not because the public does not have a right to know - although this is questionable indeed - but because it is not the job of the President to invade Iran, or conduct a war, or decide matters of policy in general. No, Stephen, the President does not exist to make petty decisions such as these, to muddy his hands in the tedious affairs of state. He exists not to guide the nation to where it should be. He exists to project an image of what it wants to be. America doesn't need a President to lead them; America needs a President who projects leadership. America doesn't need a President who's honest with his country; America needs a President who's honest with his wife. America doesn't need a President with a firm grasp of policy and a commitment to serving his country; America needs a President with the appearance of irrepressible optimism and Wholesome Heartland Values. America doesn't need a capable wartime President; America needs a President who makes himself look like war. And President Bush has done a magnificent job of that. Indeed, he's even started a couple of them. Remember, it's not the President's job to finish or win wars - that falls into the lower realm of policy. But within the realm of Strength - or the apprearance of Strength - it is the Strong Leader who charges boldly into wars, undaunted by the humdrum webs of "post-war planning" and laborious "coalition-building" called for by "sensitive" policy-makers. The job of the President of the United States is to forcefully emote the conscious and unconscious will of the American People. He is not the commander-in-chief. He is the Happy Warrior. He is the Priest-Avatar of the State. As Colorado Governor Bill Owens said when defending President Bush's supposedly-infamous seven minutes sitting before schoolchildren on September 11th, "A lot of what governors and presidents have to do is project a level of confidence and a level of calmness." Indeed, and that is exactly what the President did on that terrible day: when America needed to be protected, George Bush was projecting an aura of protectedness; when America needed to be safe, George Bush was looking like safety; when America needed to be strong, George Bush was exuding something like strength. When you watch that clip again, in Michael Moore's detestable piece of propaganda or elsewhere, remind yourself, This is what a President is for: projecting, smiling, posing, waving, doing nothing. ¶ posted by Medium Lobster at 11:07 AM
FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK 2!: Fafblog interviews: IYAD ALLAWI
Fafblog Interview Week 2 took some time off for the weekend. It caught a couple movies, lazed around, washed the car, got some chores done, watched some Olympic people do Olympic stuff on TV. But now it is back to work! Back to work with an interview with Iyad Allawi the new prime minister of Iraq! FAFBLOG: Yknow I think the best thing about the New Iraq is now you can get a McFishwish anywhere! IYAD ALLAWI: Please, have some more fries. FB: Now Iyad Allawi, the Oregon National Guard found a buncha Iraqi prison guards torturin Iraqi prisoners, includin a fourteen-year-old-boy. An when they tried to rescue them they had orders to give em back. ALLAWI: Fafnir, nobody likes torture. Except, of course, for torturers. But think about it this way: if we hadn't tortured that fourteen-year-old-boy, what would he be doing right now? Drugs. Drugs, and jihadism. And that would just lead him down the dark winding path to smoking dope and setting roadside bombs. FB: Wow... so torture is preventive discipline! ALLAWI: Having wires wrapped around your testicles is a small price to pay for keeping you out of a life of crime and terror, Fafnir. FB: Hey, you're sorta like the "tough on crime" candidate! ALLAWI: Exactly! FB: 'Cept nobody votes for you! But Iyad Allawi is torture democratic? ALLAWI: Fafnir, democracy is like a horse, or a beautiful woman. It is a fine thing to see, and everyone admires it, but in order to get it to behave sometimes you must beat it and torture it and shock its gentals. FB: I am not sure I want to be your horse Iyad Allawi. ALLAWI: But trust me my friend: you would want to be my woman. FB: Now Iyad Allawi, you have banned the TV news station Al Jazeera. Mr. Allawi some would say that is against principles of freedom of the press. ALLAWI: Absolutely not! We were merely acting to end Al Jazeera's incitement of violence. And I remain certain that within a week or so the journalism-inspired carnage in Najaf will finally come to an end. FB: Well now that I hear your side of the story that sounds very reasonable! But Mr. Allawi what about you bannin criticism of yourself in the news? ALLAWI: An absolute necessity. We can only pray it will put an end to the terrible Allawi-criticism-inspired massacre in Fallujah. FB: Wow... massive restrictions on free speech don't sound so bad after all! ALLAWI: Oh, they're a small price to pay for law and order, Fafnir. FB: You're just sorta the "tough on speech" candidate too! ALLAWI: Oh, it's part of my platform! FB: There are rumors that you personally killed six blindfolded men suspected of bein insurgents back in June. Is that true? ALLAWI: [winking] Oh, absolutely not! That would make me a cold-blooded monster! FB: Oh well that's good then! ALLAWI: And yet if it were true, or if enough people believed it were true, it could make me pass as the kind of believably vicious strongman who could crush insurgency and restore order to Iraq. FB: Hey you're right! But you did bring back the death penalty! ALLAWI: And you can bet we'll use it - a lot! FB: That would make you the "tough on life" candidate! ALLAWI: Now you're getting the hang of it! FB: Iyad Allawi,are you a democracy-minded strongman? ALLAWI: Oh yes. Why, I think about democracy all the time! Why just this morning I was having some eggs, and I thought to myself, "You know, Iyad, in a way, these eggs are sort of like democracy." FB: That is so deep. ALLAWI: And then I ate them. Would you like to see the torture chambers? FB: Yes please. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 10:04 AM Monday, August 16, 2004
feel your hatred make you stronger
Gary Farber seems upset. He has spent some time hangin' out with the kind of people who use the word "idiotarian" on a regular basis and details a painful one-way exchange of internet thought. All this leads Gary to conclude that "Anti-Muslim hate is hate. And hate in blogs is hate. Both need to be fought. Neither should be tolerated." Poor foolish Gary Farber. Don't you see? Hatred must blossom in blogs. We must hate for Liberty. Discovery. Humanity. And Victory. We must hate because we are at war, and because the enemy we face is different than any enemy we have ever faced before. It is more scary than Commies or Charlie or whatnot. It is the Islamist. Giblets is not sure what "Islamists" are and he suspects that neither do any of these people. But it sounds scary. But perhaps not scary enough - or hatable enough. Giblets suggests replacing "Islamists" with "Muslinazis." We must hate moderate Muslims too because they are not doin' their proper part in the War Against Islamists. We preventively invade one of their countries and occupy it, kill eleven thousand civilians or so, torture and molest them, and hand the government over to an ex-Baathist assassin and these guys not only don't help us out along the way, they seem downright ungrateful! Whose side are these people on, anyway? We must hate in general because everything changed after 9/11. Before 9/11 - on 9/10 if you will - Giblets would say "Sure Gary Farber, let us join hand-in-hand in love with our fellow man." But since 9/11 it is a harsher darker world. A world in which we can join hand-in-hand in love with our fellow man... once our fellow man and all his relatives and countrymen have all been killed my mighty bombs of justice. Because our fellow man cannot fly his planes into our skyscrapers if he's dead Gary. Unless he's a zombie. In which case it is time for Giblets to declare the War Against Zombies. And finally we must hate because, like the emperor in Star Wars, our hatred will make us stronger. Feel it, Gary Farber. Feel your hatred make you stranger. And we must be a strong nation if we are to defeat the Islamists. The Islamist Nazi Fascist Zombies who want to take over your schools and make your grandchildren into more Islamist Nazi Fascist Zombies. And with your smoldering eye-popping rage you can defeat those Islamists. ¶ posted by Giblets at 9:14 PM
after the popcorn
"Giblets you should have gone to see Harold an Kumar Go To White Castle," says me. "It heralds the return of modern epic quest narrative, but in stoner form." "Giblets eschews stoner movies in the same way Giblets eschews stoners," says Giblets. "Stoners are always tryin to smoke Giblets in massive Giblets-sized bongs. Begone stoners! Leave Giblets alone!" "It was the Citizen Kane of stoner movies," says me. "It touched on important ideas like the American dream an racial identity an boobs an stuff." "I prefer movies that teach important life lessons such as Alien Versus Predator," says Giblets, "which taught me that when faced with an Alien and a Predator Giblets should side with the Predator." "Yes because the enemy of my enemy is my friend," says me. "But is my friend the enemy of my enemy?" "That's a good question," says Giblets. "Are you enemies with my enemies, like that guy Lou from the taco stand?" "I dunno, I got no problem with Taco Stand Lou," says me. "Seems like a nice guy an he knows his tacos." "Cause if you aren't then we can't be friends!" says Giblets. "Okay Giblets okay," says me. "I will be enemies with Taco Stand Lou for you." "Great!" says Giblets. "Let's throw im in a potato sack an beat im with sticks." "I don't know if that is a good idea Giblets," says me. "I think it may alienate fellow taco stand dwellers for instance." "What is more important, your alliance with Giblets or your access to tacos?" says Giblets. "You are either with Giblets or with the taco guy!" "I know I have an idea!" says me. "Why don't we both get some tacos from the taco stand an call that a victory against our enemy Lou?" "How about we invade the taco stand an raid its tacos, then throw Lou in a potato sack an beat im with sticks?" says Giblets. "Giblets likes that idea better." "I think a solution which guarantees tacos an happiness an non-beatin with sticks is probably the one we are lookin for here," says me. "Hmmm, I dunno," says Giblets. "Giblets feels that his need for stick-beatin is bein seriously overlooked." "Well how many tacos would it take to make up for a lack of stick-beatin?" says me. "No amount of tacos would be sufficient!" says Giblets. "Giblets demands both tacos an the destruction of his enemies! We act now now now!" "Oh no mall security!" says me. "An they have sticks!" "Run away!" says Giblets an we do. So instead we bugged Mike at the hot dog place until he gave us some free hot dogs an we all went home happy. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 6:24 PM
Think Giblets or Think Small
There's a lot of Bush vs. Kerry foreign policy talk flyin' around right about now and frankly it does not impress Giblets much. John Kerry's people say "oh well John Kerry will be very competant in foreign policy blah blah blah" well Giblets couldn't give a rat's ass! Where is the Articulated Grand Strategy in competence, huh? Where is the entrepreneurial up-from-the-bootthings spirit? Where is the heart, John Kerry? The heart is with George Bush and his Bold Grand Strategy of turning all countries in the world into democracies by arbitrarily blowing them up. Now some would say that George Bush is not competant enough to carry out this Bold Grand Strategy and that you should vote for a competant smaller vision over an incompetant grander one. But what is the point, Giblets asks you, of competance if it does not serve anything worthy? And can anything be worthy if it is not Bold and Grand? The answer is no! And that is why you must vote... for Giblets. For Giblets is about to articulate a Grand Strategy for foreign policy so Bold and so Grand it will render unto incompetence any who dare pursue it! Giblets gives you... THE GIBLETS DOCTRINE! Giblets expects a small legion of neo-Gibletsatives forming in The National Review, The Weekly Standard, and the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal any minute now. |
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