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i miss indiana. i miss david and lenny. i miss pamela. i miss stephen. i miss kevin. i miss aaron. i miss brenda. i miss katherine. i miss everyone who i have ever met.

fall makes me wistful.


i have to do an informational report. i was going to do it on lord byron. then i decided nick drake would be much more fun. i relate to him more than lord byron. although, byron was an interesting dude. i just think i will enjoy writing 5-6 pages about nick drake more than ol' george gordon.

this weekend has been sort of slow, but in a good way. yesterday my parents and i went to go watch zachie play at a tennis match. that was fun. i got to meet his girlfriend, april. she is nice. my dad and i did our abbott and costello, joking around act and she laughed. after that, we went grocery shopping. can i just say, i fucking love shopping with my dad. "dad, how about this?" "oh, man, that looks good. throw it in the cart." i get anything i want. plus, he can be fun when he wants to be. last night zachie and i watched snl. can i just say, justin timberlake is so fucking funny. i don't care what anyone else thinks of him, or me for liking him. he is the shit. and i like his music. so, neener.

today i have started to decorate for halloween outside. i know, it's almost too late. i don't care. you will like my decorations, or you can piss off. that is all.

i keep having dreams about people in fairmount. last night i dreamt that cousin markie let me move into jimmy's old room. it was fucking awesome. yes, i know i have issues. that is ok. i like my issues.

i have started to knit myself a scarf. it kicks my ass. it is awesome. i love it. it is pink and fluffy and the best scarf in the whole fucking world. i am thinking of making scarves for all the chicks in my life. woot.

someone come here and go to school for me tomorrow. thank you.

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now who the fuck wouldn't want to carve pumpkins with me? my friends. stupid dickweeds. "we're watching a movie." screw that shit.

today i went to two of my classes that i hadn't been to in a while. i felt like a thief sneaking in there. oh well. i was afraid i would fail them (don't ask me why, i am always afraid i will fail classes) and it appears that that fear was silly. the stuff i missed was nothing and i kick ass. now i can just go and do my work and not skip because i am afraid i will fail (yes, i know that doesn't make sense. don't sweat it). one more class this week and it is weekend time, baby!

on the way back from class, i bought pumpkins. because i bought this kick ass pumpkin pattern book and want to carve a headless monster into one of them. la. i love halloween. it kicks christmas's ass straight into the gutter, mon ami(e). gotta call the bois and pammy sue to see if they want to come over for a bonfire on halloween. i bought some packages of stuff that says it is supposed to taste like spiced apple cider. pssh, right. it tastes like apple sucrets. medicine-y, almost. ew.

i wish i had lots and lots of money to buy myself stuff. i miss stuff. instead i will just have to make stuff and be happy with it. boo.

there is something about fall that makes me so unspeakably happy. i can't even describe it. it even ::smells:: fantastic. i wish fall were here year round.

this weather has made me happy, despite my disgusting cold. being out in it today has just lifted me incredibly. i sort of forgot happy crappy i feel. wonderful.

i am so effing sick. i have a massive headache because of my damn sinuses. i can barely even talk my throat hurts so much. all i did this weekend was sit and complain, and also sleep. argh.

nothing much to say. except my eyes are watering and i can barely see to type.

turns out ball state is tres tres expensive if you are from out of state. so, genius sprung up in me. move down there soon, after this term is done, establish residency. that way, by fall term, i will be a resident, thus knocking tuition down about 8 grand. good idea, non?

having increasingly odd dreams about jimmy and algebra. i shall not elaborate.

(p.s. to kevin: just wanted to let you know, if you didn't already. stephen had to have his appendix removed as soon as he got back to l.a. monday night. he felt shitty on sunday and monday, and when they landed cindy took him to the hospital and his appendix was no good. i think he is out of the hospital now.)

oh man, longest day trip to fairmount, ever. perhaps because it wasn't just a day.

tuesday morning i got up early and got ready to go to fairmount for jimmy's memorial service. it was an uneventful drive down, which is always nice. i arrived in town, went to the gallery for a few minutes, drove to the post office, and then went to the loft to pick up isabel. we then went back to the gallery and hung out there. at about 12 or a little before, we went to the church, with lenny in tow. i took pictures of everyone as they mingled around, munching on food provided by the church. finally, miss pamela d B showed up and we knew that arlene was ready to start. everyone rushed around to get a seat. we got a good seat, i was across the aisle from dave, pamela and len and right next to isabel. the service was very moving. i cried more than once during it. arlene martel (to me, she will be forever arlene sax, since that's what they called her in the james dean story) recalled tales of how they used to read the little prince to each other and what it was like to be in love with him. she said how once she had called him to see whether or not what the press had been saying (that he was having a breakdown, i'm assuming after pier angeli married vic damone) and to tell him that he was missed. the next day there was a knock on the door and it was jimmy. "you said you missed me." i would have died. she also said that when he walked into a room, molecules changed. you didn't even have to know he was there, but you were changed. i cried when she said that.

so after her very moving speech, we walked from the church to the cemetary. it was cold. but nice. after we sang part of amazing grace, i talked to cousin markie (james dean's cousin). pamela asked if i was staying for the dinner at 7pm and i said, no i hadn't planned on it. everyone looked sad. so i decided to stay for the dinner. it's hard to leave that town, especially when it is september 30th and you are standing at the man's grave with people you love. so i stayed. i had to drop isabel off at the loft by 4:45, said goodbye to her (i said good day, sir!) and went to the gallery. i met this girl, katherine, that i had met earlier in the weekend and asked if she was going to the dinner. she wasn't. she was very cool though, we talked for like, two hours, just about jimmy and the town and our feelings on the people there. this creepy guy kept having me get out collector books from the glass cases. blech. katherine left and i said see you next year, because i am leaving tonight. she was happy to finally met someone that was her own age, she is twenty two also, that liked jimmy.

finally dave and i got the creepy guy to leave and we headed over to marion for the dinner. about 20 people showed up. it was a good time. got to talk to pamela and arlene more. i told david that i was going to get ready to go home and he said, no, just stay the night at our place. lenny said, what, are you trying to rob her of her education?! (i love that man!) david said, no, i just don't want anything to happen to her, especially not today (meaning september 30th). so i called my parents and my dad said that they were just getting ready to call me and to tell me to stay. so i did, and pamela was excited, because she was staying with dave and lenny too. so we went back, kurt was staying also, so we joked around about margaret cho, who he loves too and we all watched queer eye for the straight guy. good times. pamela said to me, night sweetie pie. see you in the morning. then she blew me a kiss. god i love hanging out there. i had to sleep in my clothes, but oh well.

the next day, there was no heat in the gallery. it was cold cold and we all huddled together for warmth. the pilot light was out, but no one could figure out how to light it. pamela went to go get alrene, because she had wanted to come back and sign pictures. katherine came back and was suprised that i was still there. i told what had happened. i asked her where she was staying and she said, um, my car. she had spent the entire weekend in her car, parked at the walmart parking lot. i felt bad for her, but i guess she does it all the time. at noon, we were supposed to meet pamela and arlene down at the dinner for lunch. i took katherine with me. so it was me, katherine, pamela, arlene, phil and two guys from germany. after lunch we went back to the gallery so arlene could quickly sign some pictures before pamela and arlene had to go home. sad sad. she signed a picture for me. woot. i let her use my silver sharpie and she kept commenting on how wonderful it looked on black and white photos. we had some pictures taken. pamela kept grabbing me and hugging me saying, i don't want to go! i said, move then! and i told her that i was going to move and her eyes got big. oh, well, if you are, so am i! she said. woot. we kept hugging, partly because it was so cold. i hugged arlene, too and she said, i don't feel like i am saying goodbye! i know i will be back again. and she kissed my cheek. aw. she was a sweet lady. she gave me her address and phone number. woot.

after pamela and arlene left, i went inside to gather up my stuff and say goodbye. i said, dave, i never want to leave here. i want to stay forever. he said, so, stay forever. we would love it. we can arrange it. he did everything but ask me to move in. i was suprised. i would love to live with them for a few months while i was looking for an apartment or house. i'm going to go to school today and see what it takes to transfer to ball state and maybe do it for next term! yeah!

all in all, i am sooo glad i stayed. i missed two classes, but it was totally worth it.

got back from fairmount last night at about five. i also dropped off my film on the way home, so i already have it back. i am going to go back tomorrow for the memorial service. i always get so so sad. i was really depressed while driving home last night. it wrecks me to leave. and it was cold and rainy, which made it even worse.

i did have a good time while there. i got to see kevin, which is always really nice. and i shared a room with isabel, which was fun. i met some new people and was treated like a super star because i had won the jeopardy contest in july. sesu was in amsterdam, so i missed him.

overall, i am still sad and i can't wait to go back tomorrow for jimmy's memorial service.

praise allah, the time has finally come. i still have to pack, finish up some prints, shower, go to school, and pray to the rain gods that it will not rain all weekend. i so want it to be chilly, but not rainy and chilly. come on, jimmy, smile down me, k?

see you suckers (well, isabel and kevin, ha) in fairmount, indiana, the happiest place on earth.

men reading fashion magazines
oh what a world it seems we live in
straight men
oh what a world we live in

why am i always on a plane or a fast train
oh what a world my parents gave me
always...traveling...but not in love
still i think im doing fine
wouldnt be a lovely headline
life is...beautiful...on the new york times

men reading fashion magazines(men reading fashion magazines)
oh what a world it seems we live in
straight men
oh what a world we live in

why am i always on a plane or a fast train
oh what a world my parents gave me
always(always)...traveling...but not in love
still i think im doing fine(still think im doing fine)
wouldnt be a lovely headline
life is...beautiful...on the new york times

(music break)

oh what a world we live in

why am i always on a plane or a fast train
oh what a world my parents gave me
always...traveling...but not in love
still i think im doing fine(still think im doing fine)
wouldnt it be a lovely headline
life is...beautiful...

i officially name today "rufus wainwright day." why? you may be asking yourself. because today is the day we all get to bask in the sunshine of his fanfuckingtastic new album. you may join me in saying "fabulous job, rufus dear." he also thanked cherry vanilla in his thank you's. she is so fucking awesome. sweetest lady ever.

doing happy dances to the new album. fuck studying for algebra.

i had a great time in california. the only way it could have been any better was if i could have met up with isabel or pamela. neither happened.

monday: hung out for a while after the plane landed. had some dinner at el coyote (ostrich tacos, which was so effing good).
tuesday: went to grauman's chinese theater only to find it closed for a premiere. i think this was tuesday. i have my days all messed up. we saw the italian job and a lot of takes place near the theater we were sitting in. fucking cool. we saw the budget rent a car where we rented our car. kick ass. had dinner at uncle ryan's, holy shit, is he a good cook.
wednesday: we went to the california science center. tons of fun. went to beverly hills and shopped at one of the malls there.
thursday: went to venice. tasted the ocean for the first time in my life. dorky, i know. oh well. went to "roscoe's waffles and chicken" for dinner. had waffles and fried chicken. odd, but good.
friday: saw james dean's star. drove as far as i could to griffith observatory (which was like 200 feet away from it). got really sad. went to graumann's again and got to actually look at the hand and foot prints. my hand fit perfectly in marilyn monroe's print. excitement. went shopping at the farmer's market and didn't buy anything. had japanese for dinner and hated it. disgusting.

all in all, fantastic time. i forgot some things, so i will just edit this, i think. i really love my uncle. he is so fucking cool. and i really like his fiancee too. she was so nice. i cannot wait to go back, maybe next summer.

back from cards with the boys, zachie and pam. watched margaret cho, both of her dvd's since i was bored and you can only have four players for euchre. that is about it.

i highlighted my hair today. it's not drastic, but i can tell there is a difference and i like it. i bought this styling glue and had my hair in a near afro today. woot.

tomorrow i must do laundry, pack, take a test for psych, and just ready myself in general for the trip to la. we leave at like five in the morning on monday. ugh.

today i woke up at eleven. i cannot believe i slept that long. i was amazed. i got up, checked my email and then remembered that i was supposed to head up to the museum and have lunch with somebody i used to work with. so i did my hair in a flash, luckily it looked damn good anyway and sped my way to the museum. had a yum lunch. showed pictures of fabulous las vegas. came home and am now looking at my friends list. i was talking to isabel, but she went to lunch. pfft. ha.


( long ass survey ganked from isabel )

i am super super sad that johnny cash died. i mean, it wasn't a huge shock, but still it is very sad. i also can't believe john ritter died. i used to love me some three's company when i was little. i wonder who the next john to die will be? my guess is pope JOHN paul.

i hate that i remember details. little insignificant things about people and places. i remember the first time i ever talked to him. and how his voice sounded when he said "i love you." i also remember the last time i truly believed what he was saying. it all was so long ago, yet things bring it back to me like it was yesterday.

You will die of accidental drowning like Jeff
Buckley. Learn to swim, you whiskey loving
hound.


What's Your Rock Star Death?
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happy birthday, dear livejournal.

what a difference three years make. three years ago, i was working at a job i hated (wal-mart) with people i loved (justin, dan, jesse, nicole, the list could go on forever). i was worry free. my journal updated people on what i had for lunch at chi-chi's or how much i wished that a married man would leave his wife. i don't even talk to the person that told me about lj anymore. it's sort of sad.

i wish life had a rewind button.