(2004-08-30) -- The Internet officially turns 35-years-old on September 2, and according to sources close to the world wide web, it may finally move out of its parents' basement.

Born in 1969, the Internet really came of age during the early 1990s. But with a tough job market, the Internet couldn't earn a decent living doing anything "legitimate," according to friends of the family.

"We'll miss little Webby," said his father, "but we're hoping he'll find a way to make money outside of the gaming and adult entertainment industries. Now that he's out of the basement, we're hoping to put something more useful down there--like a sump pump."

(2004-08-30) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today demanded an apology from First Lady Laura Bush for remarks that implied support for TV ads by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth which are critical of Mr. Kerry's 1971 'atrocity' testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

"In a word, Laura Bush is opinionated," said Mr. Kerry. "And I don't think America wants a First Lady who shoots from the hip, speaks her mind and essentially tells the world to shove it."

Mr. Kerry, a Vietnam veteran and distinguished anti-war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator, said he was "emotionally devastated" by Mrs. Bush's comment and called on President George Bush to "stop hiding behind surrogates and right wing attack dogs."

(2004-08-30) -- On the eve of the Republican National Convention, as anti-Bush protestors gathered near New York's Madison Square Garden, Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry called for the abolition of the electoral college. Instead, he proposed that presidential elections "be decided by chants."

"We have heard democracy in action from the vox populi--the voice of the people--in the streets of New York City this weekend," said Mr. Kerry, a decorated Vietnam Veteran and distinguished anti-war protestor who is also a U.S. Senator. "It's time to retire the antiquated electoral college system and let chants rule our nation."

Under the Kerry plan, political party leaders would select a chanting delegate from each state, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and the District of Columbia. The day after the election, the chanters would assemble in Lafayette Park, near the White House, and begin unison shouting of their presidential preference using clever, rhyming couplets.

Judges from the United Nations would award points for creativity, volume and degree of difficulty. The Secretary-General of the U.N. would make the final decision.

"If we want to regain our credibility in the world," said Mr. Kerry, "We need the imprimatur of the U.N., and we need a system that doesn't disenfranchise those who can't read or can't follow directions. As Democrats, we have long believed that substantive change happens by chants."

(2004-08-28) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today warned that America faces "a celebrity exhaustion crisis" if President George Bush wins reelection in November.

"It's just another example of how this administration fails to care for the ordinary, needy people of this great country," said Mr. Kerry, a Vietnam veteran who is also a U.S. Senator. "Many celebrities--actors, musicians, comedians--already teeter on the brink of fatigue as they attend a plethora of Democrat fundraisers and anti-Bush protest events, and appear on TV news shows as political experts."

"I'm worried that they won't even make it through October, let alone four more years," said Mr. Kerry. "And if Janeane Garofalo, Bruce Springsteen, Moby, Ben Affleck or Margaret Cho wind up in some kind of 30-day recovery program or if their entertainment careers begin falter, they can send the bill directly to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. George W. Bush is wearing out these national treasures."

Mr. Kerry said if he's elected, the crisis will end, "because politically conservative celebrities are usually preoccupied with singing, acting or making jokes. In other words, they're not smart enough to get on a cable news show, or C-Span and debate Al Franken."

(2004-08-27) -- Iraqis this week got a lesson in freedom as they watched accused murder Muqtada al-Sadr walk free after spending several weeks directing his followers to shoot at U.S. and Iraqi government forces from inside of the most holy Imam Ali Shrine.

The lesson in freedom is part of a multi-year curriculum called "How to Start and Run Your Own Democratic Nation," which Iraq has begun to implement. According to an unnamed Iraqi government spokesman, next year's lesson is 'justice.'

"We value freedom so much that we're setting free this murderer and his band of cold-blooded thugs," said the source. "Later we'll learn about being a nation of laws where no one is above the law. But for now...you know...baby steps."

(2004-08-26) -- Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, Shia Islam's most revered leader, today returned to its most revered holy city and said that only one man has the credibility to broker a peace deal between Iraqi government forces and revered cleric Muqtada al-Sadr whose forces remain entrenched in the most holy Imam Ali Shrine.

"Yassir Arafat is our only hope now for peace in Najaf," said a spokesman for Mr. al-Sistani. "The situation has intensified beyond the peace-making capabilities of the Grand Ayatollah, of Jimmy Carter or even of the Rev. Jesse Jackson. We need Nobel Peace laureate Arafat."

(2004-08-25) -- Executives at Krispy Kreme today announced they would fight plunging profits with a new line of Atkins-friendly donuts.

Krispy Kreme has been hammered in recent months by the wave of low-carbohydrate diets which have converted legions of Americans from obese couch potatos into sleek, health enthusiasts.

The new low-carb Krispy Kreme donuts are made "mostly of lean meat, tripe and other mouth-watering meat byproducts," according to a company spokesman.

(2004-08-26) -- President George Bush today announced a major strategy shift in his re-election campaign brought on by what he described as "the failure of my nominal opponent to present a single reason voters should support him."

The Bush-Cheney campaign will now simply ignore John Forbes Kerry, the Democrat candidate and Vietnam veteran who is also a U.S. Senator.

"It's hard to mount an entire campaign against an opponent who has no record, no bedrock values, no consistent positions, no new ideas and only wants to talk about something he hasn't done for 35 years," said Mr. Bush. "So far, the fight has been between me and anti-me...Bush against hate-Bush. From now on, we're looking at a one-man race for the presidency."

Campaign insiders said TV and radio ads will no longer mention the Democrat candidate, but will simply focus on the president's record and his vision for the future.

"I can't change people whose hearts overflow with hatred," said the president. "So I'll just focus on rallying those whose minds are still open. We're going to target what you call your sentient beings."

(2004-08-25) -- President George Bush today mobilized Army National Guard units nationwide to confiscate copies of Unfit for Command, the controversial anti-Kerry book by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

The move comes in response to demands by former Sen. Max Cleland and former Army Green Beret Jim Rassman, whose life was saved by John Forbes Kerry during the Vietnam War. Mr. Kerry is a well-known presidential candidate, Vietnam veteran and also a U.S. Senator.

"As commander in chief, my first duty is to protect our homeland," said Mr. Bush in a brief televised statement to the nation. "I have ordered infantry and mechanized divisions to take up positions at all Barnes and Noble stores and other brick-and-mortar book retailers and warehouses. They will neutralize all existing stocks of this dangerous volume and interdict supply lines to prevent further shipments."

Mr. Bush said he has also ordered the FBI to divert internet sales so that customers who order Unfit for Command through Amazon.com will instead receive a book which is "certifiably true."

(2004-08-25) -- The much-anticipated Abu Ghraib prison abuse report from a four-member panel headed by James M. Schlesinger includes a copy of a secret memo from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld regarding approved interrogation techniques and the general "atmosphere" at U.S. military prisons.

The memo, sure to spark new bipartisan calls for Mr. Rumsfeld's resignation, was summarized by one unnamed aide to the panel as follows: "Go wild and capture the memories."

"We at the Pentagon know that you're understaffed there at Abu Ghraib," wrote Mr. Rumsfeld. "So, make sure you give your interrogators enough free time when they can just be themselves and have fun. This helps avoid burnout."

Among the interrogation instructions, the Rumsfeld memo contained the following passage: "The best way to get valid information from the enemy is to create an atmosphere of trust in the cellblock. This can be achieved by introducing them to your pets, and playing group 'get to know you' games in which the normal human facade is stripped off and the prisoners get to see each other for who they really are. Follow this with team-building exercises, where the prisoners perform a challenging feat together--like building a pyramid. This lets them know that we respect their abilities and their culture and we aren't trying to isolate them from each other."

Mr. Rumsfeld ends the memo by authorizing the purchase of several digital cameras for prison staff.

"Make sure you all take plenty of photos," he wrote. "You'll want to remember and celebrate these precious moments as you serve your nation with valor."

(2004-08-24) -- The Kerry campaign ratcheted up its defense of the Democrat's Senate record today, producing several U.S. Senators to attest to John Forbes Kerry's presence during actual senate sessions.

The media-blitz came on the same day that the campaign trotted out witnesses to Mr. Kerry's military exploits in Vietnam.

Mr. Kerry, who was elected to the Senate in 1984, faces allegations that he rarely attended intelligence committee hearings, missed many votes and sponsored no significant legislation.

But Sen. Edward M. 'Ted' Kennedy, D-MA, contradicted those claims.

"I saw John on several occasions during the past two decades," said Mr. Kennedy. "I can't recall if I saw him in person, or on C-Span, but he looked very senatorial and appeared to be doing something...you know, for the people."

Another senator, who insisted on anonymity, agreed with Mr. Kennedy.

"I distinctly remember seeing John Kerry in the senate chambers on Christmas eve," said the unnamed senator. "That picture of him working through the Christmas break is seared....seared in my memory. He gave no thought to himself. His devotion was to the common people whom he served with valor."

(2004-08-23) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today donated several of his own medals to South Korean gymnast Yang Tae-young, who fell short of an Olympic gold medal this week due to a judging error.

"That young man's uneven parallel bar routine is seared...seared in my memory," said Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator. "Since I had these medals just lying around the house--the ones I earned in Vietnam--I thought it would cheer him up."

The Democrat candidate said he personally delivered the decorations to the South Korean Embassy in Washington.

"The embassy was closed, so I tossed them over the fence," he said. "There were some ribbons or some medals...I don't remember. Anyway, ribbons and medals were absolutely interchangeable in the Navy."

A spokesman for the Kerry-Edwards campaign said the altruistic act demonstrates that Mr. Kerry is not the kind of man described in the new book by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

(2004-08-23) -- Police in Norway announced today that they had cleared former Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean in the case of the missing 'Scream'.

"We had some email tips early on that Mr. Dean might have The Scream," said an unnamed police spokesman, "but it turns out that Mr. Dean's scream was an audio production and we're looking for a work of visual art--a painting by Edvard Munch."

The Munch painting, created in 1893, is valued at $62 million. The Dean scream was created in Iowa earlier this year and was worth several hundred million dollars to John Kerry's presidential campaign.

(2008-08-23) -- While President George Bush today condemned TV ads by 'outside groups' like Swift Boat Veterans for Truth as "bad for the system," the Bush campaign remained strangely silent about the forthcoming book "Axis of Weasels," by ScrappleFace.com editor-in-chief Scott Ott.

When asked at a news conference to specifically denounce the ScrappleFace book, Mr. Bush cupped his hand to his ear and said, "I think I miscomprehandled the question, but let me just say: Dick Cheney could be president. Next question."

An unnamed spokesman for MacMenamin Press, the publisher of "Axis of Weasels," denied any direct links to the Bush-Cheney campaign and said MacMenamin would continue to sell Mr. Ott's book "even if President Bush signs an executive order to halt sales."

According to documents released under the Freedom of Information Act, ScrappleFace.com is a division of the ScrappleFace Enterprise Institute, a non-527 group which receives its funding through the National Endowment for the Otts, with no apparent links to wealthy, Texas-based Republican donors.

(2004-08-23) -- President George Bush today finally bowed to pressure from Sen. John McCain, R-AZ, and condemned a TV ad by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth which attacks John Forbes Kerry for his 1971 "atrocities" testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

"These ads are anti-anti-American," said Mr. Bush during a campaign stop. "They demonstrate intolerance toward Mr. Kerry, who had every right to speak out against American atrocities in Vietnam, even if he had no evidence to back his claims. He's still free to speak his mind, whether or not there's anything in it."

Mr. Bush said one of the great things about being an American citizen is "the right to speak out against America, her government and her military."

The president even offered his Democrat challenger some campaign strategy advice.

"Frankly, I don't understand why my opponent doesn't use his 1971 testimony in his own ads," said Mr. Bush. "The anti-military, anti-war position would connect better with the Democrat base. If I were him I'd start every campaign rally playing Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant, and hand out tie-dye t-shirts that say: 'All We Are Saying, is Give Kerry a Chance'. Sen. Kerry, don't be afraid to be who you are. Embrace your heritage."

(2004-08-21) -- Just hours after the unveiling of the Alcohol Without Liquid vaporizer at a New York bar, a competing establishment announced what it calls "an even greater breakthrough in alcohol delivery systems."

While the vaporizer uses pressurized oxygen to allow customers to inhale a shot of alcohol as a mist, the competing device uses nano-technology to inject beverages directly into the cornea of the consumer's eye through a tiny tube.

Both are being hailed by scientists as examples of "America's global leadership in significant technologies that make life better for the common man."

"We're excited about the Ocular Injection Nano Keg," said an unnamed bartender in Manhattan, NY. "We had nine of them installed under the bar. Our customers simply place their foreheads against the bar, stare at the logo of the beverage they desire and a miniscule needle delivers an entire shot of whiskey, or whatever, right into their eyeball."

Customer response has been enthusiastic, according to the bartender.

"Women love it because it doesn't smear their lipstick," he said. "Men just like the idea of jamming a needle into their cornea. And the nanotube technology means that you don't even have to remove your soft contacts."

(2004-08-20) -- While his battle against his former swift boat comrades raged on, Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry learned today he will have to fight a two-front political war as yet another anti-Kerry group prepared to release a book and TV ads to challenge the candidate's version of events in his life.

'Senate Page Veterans for Truth' (SPVT), a coalition of 254 people who used to carry messages around the Senate floor, announced the publication of Empty Desk: The Senate Career of John F. Kerry.

"We're not accusing Kerry of lying or being a bad leader or even dramatizing injuries," said an unnamed spokesman for SPVT. "We're saying, 'We couldn't deliver messages to him, because he wasn't really there.' It was Christmas in Cambodia all over again."

The Kerry campaign immediately filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission and Amazon.com to block the ads and the book.

"My time at that senate desk is seared....seared in my memory, and on my dorsal regions," said Mr. Kerry. "This is clearly part of George Bush's plot to suggest that I wasn't really a senator, just because I have no major legislative accomplishments. Well, at least I was elected a U.S. Senator--which is more than Mr. Bush can say."

(2008-08-20) -- Senator Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, does not pose an immediate threat to the security of the American homeland and he should be allowed to board commercial airliners, according to a statement from Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge.

The Massachusetts politician complained recently that he had been prevented from boarding planes because his name is similar to an alias used by a man on a government "watch list."

"We do not, at this time, view Sen. Ted Kennedy as an immediate threat to the safety and security of America," said Mr. Ridge. "We continue to seek the whereabouts of another man--Mohammad Tehdi al-Kennedy, who has ties to the al Qaeda terror network."

Mr. Ridge added that, "although the Senator and his party seek the overthrow of the current administration and preach a radical doctrine that would decimate the American economy, we have no hard evidence that he's linked directly to any foreign groups that would celebrate those outcomes."

(2004-08-19) -- Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry today charged President George Bush with using surrogates to "do his dirty work" by distributing excerpts from the Congressional Record which chronicle Sen. Kerry's accomplishments in the Senate.

The one-page document details all the significant legislation Mr. Kerry has written during the past two decades, including his major healthcare reform initiatives and measures that strengthened America's intelligence capabilities against terrorists.

"I know that I accomplished much more than this," said Mr. Kerry as he waved the single sheet of paper. "In fact, my achievements as a champion of significant legislation are seared...seared in my memory. George Bush is using surrogates to do his dirty work because he doesn't have the courage to stand up in public and say 'John Kerry didn't do much as a senator.'"

At a news conference this morning, President Bush was asked what he thought of Mr. Kerry's record of accomplishment in the Senate.

Mr. Bush responded, "I'll get back to you on that. I started reading it last week and I'm only halfway down the page."

(2004-08-18) -- After rebuffing a peace delegation from Baghdad yesterday, revered Islamic leader Muqtada al-Sadr today continued to lead "intense theological studies" within the walls of Najaf's Imam Ali Shrine, Shia Islam's holiest place.

"The men are really cracking the books in here," said an unnamed spokesman for Mr. Al-Sadr. "After all, this is a holy place for the religion of peace, so most of our time is spent in prayer and studying the Koran. We have quite a stockpile of what we call 'theological supplies' and we're devoted to practical application of our theology."

Meanwhile, U.S. and Iraqi military forces continued to provide "complimentary sighting and range-finding services" to the young theologians in the mosque.