SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Good afternoon, troops. I'd like to say I'm pleased to be back here at Abu Ghraib, but I'm not. As you know, a handful of rogue soldiers at this facility, led by a nefarious Lou Diamond Phillips impersonator, demonstrated appalling indiscretion by photographing a highly sophisticated and effective system for sexual humiliation – which they obviously dreamt up entirely on their own, with zero knowledge of or tacit approval by anyone important enough to not be cannon fodder. And so today, with the entire world whipped into a frenzy of righteous indignation, President Bush has personally directed yours truly to fly here to this godforsaken desert armpit to hand-deliver all-new, kinder, gentler guidelines for the non-torture of maybe-probably-terrorist trash. You all stand hereby directed to learn it, live it, and love it. Thank you.

REVISED ARAB INTERROGATION GUIDELINES Effective May, 2004

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