Heard about the new Saudi tourism policy? No drunks and no Jews. I think we should sneak in a drunken Jew just to piss the Sauds off. I wonder if Laurence Simon is busy.

Under things you find from people linking to you, I found this neat poster for the Canadian army:

I'm just glad they're on our side.

Also, here's a neat list of quotes about guns. My favorite is number 12.

I have something quite different for next week. Not sure how well it turned out, but you have to take risks every so often. Anyway, you can tell me what you think Monday morning. Have a great weekend.

Now, I've had a couple responses to my responses to hate mail, and so far the person has always calmed down in the second e-mail as wasn't quite so crazy. Not Tony Pentin, though. My e-mail seems to have made him even crazier. All profanity that's a noun meant to be me was replaced with "ronin" except for dickhead which I replaced with "genius". Also, f'ing was replaced with "lovely". An addition f'word was replaced with "cheetos". Once again, this was all for The Children™

Well, well, well I see you know how to spell. I suppose that's an achievement for an American. Lots of you can't spell and don't know anything about the world - your email re-enforced all of that!

As for not letting other countries have access to the internet - think again ronin, even those tosser communists in North Korea have access to it!

Your stupidity is evident from calling me a limey atleast ten times in the last email before actually ending with you asking me what a limey is!!!! You said it not me! Look to the first paragraph about not knowing anything about world history! Lol!

When I said Bush is history, I was talking about the elections in November! What are you a redneck or something? Are you miles from anywhere? Cut off from society like a lovely backwoodsman that shags all his relatives!

Laughing at the poor? Oh, that's really fair isn't it! Why? What's the point? Why doesn't your right-wing small-minded brain broaden its mind and stop lying? The world hates bastards like you. Bush bombed Iraq - I bet he doesn't even know where the cheetos Iraq is. Oh, just for the record it's in the middle east - near Iran - you know that country that you helped Iraq wage war against in the early 80's under that fascist Ronald Reagan! You created Saddam Hussain you stupid dumb bastard! GO AND READ A LOVELY BOOK BEFORE PRETENDING TO BE AN EXPERT! LOOK IT UP YOU STUPIUD BASTRAD!

Oh, and Michael Moore = Good man and he gets his funding from Canada so it doesn't look like you'll stop the Left from exposing the evils of your hardline economic system of capitalism. Remember it's that system which puts 45 milliion people without access to health care. 35 MILLION IN POVERTY - THAT'S ABOUT 1 IN 8. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN 1 IN 8. AND AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE? THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU SAY! JUSTIFY THAT RONIN!

And Rage Against the Machine was a left-wing rock band from 1991 to 2001. Three of the four band members formed Audioslave after RATM split up. You really are cut off from society in rural Texas aren't you! You complete genius!

And France is completely entitled to an independent foreign policy that is completely different to yours. Spain said that. Britain said that. Australia said that. Those three countries supported your arsehole government last March in the war so your argument doesn't stand up. The Russians said that, the Chinese, the Candians, the Germans - the list goes on ronin!

Au revoir and grow up you immature little boy.

LOL!

Now let's see if I can fire another one right over his head.

Cool! Now we're like pen pals, limey. You confused me in your first paragraph, though. First you complimented me on my spelling, and then you say I reinforced that Americans can't spell. I'm not saying you’re inconsistent, though - I'm just pointing it out - so don't get all crazy and limey on me.

You're right about North Korea; they're an internet access paradise. You can't swing a starving peasant in North Korea without hitting a cyber-cafe. Thanks for pointing that out, limey.

And I thought limey was a term of endearment, I just used that to make you comfortable, you rascally limey. See? We're like friends.

Hey, you know about our elections, limey! Good for you! Those are for us big boys only, though, and you'll notice that at the polling places there will be big signs saying, "No Limeys". Actually, if there is any evidence of a limey being involved in an election, it all gets thrown out.

And what am I lying about, limey my friend? I really do laugh at the poor. They're funny. Every seen any? Sometimes they juggle.

Thanks for pointing out that Canadians are funding Michael Moore to help undermine America, limey. I'll report that to the authorities so that they bomb Canada and kill Michael Moore. The only problem will be what to do with his bloated corpse. I'd say the sea, but I wonder what ill effects it might have on sea life. If you have any idea, please tell me, limey. You've already been great help as it is, though.

And stop looking at the glass as 1/8 empty; instead, look at it as 7/8 full. That's 7/8 of nearly 300 million people who aren't poor and thus I don't laugh at. You have to admit that's pretty nice of me, limey. I could also be laughing at the lower middle-class, but I don't.

Oh! Rage Against the Machine the music group! I now understand, limey. Their songs are pretty cute, but they all sound the same. Maybe they wouldn't have had to break up if they sounded less angry and did more Barry Manilow covers.

I'm afraid we can't let France have their own foreign policy, no matter what Communist dictators in China say. France hates all mankind, and they need to be foiled. Plus, they smell. Luckily America always stands up and controls all conflicts in the world, thus keep us from becoming blowed up. Isn't that great, limey?

Hope to hear back from you. You’re my favorite limey friend!

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. I don't usually like to point out someone's spelling errors, as no one is expected to proof check their e-mails to the highest degree, but, when calling someone a "stupid bastard", you might want to try and spell at least one of those words correctly... unless, of course, you were trying to demonstrate that you are a "STUPIUD BASTRAD" yourself, and thus know one from experience.

Wanker.

I also got this hate mail:

What a moron you are! Oh well, it's a free country. Mr. Lucas

I wonder what that was about? I hope it wasn't Rachel Lucas's father.

I just got an e-mail back from the limey. I'm a bit busy, so I don't know if I'll be able to get a response out today, but I'll try.

Anyway, he's a slow learner. Heh heh.

So I just hit more than 100,000 unique visitors for this month, my first month to do that. And I think I should be able to keep it up and add to it next month, but then I realized, "Dude, I gotta write stuff."

And I'm like, "Dude, I can't think of anything to write today."

To which I replied, "But, dude, if you don't write anything, no one is going to come to your site except for hobos looking for a place to sleep."

And was I was like, "Dude!"

Anyway, I better check the news for something to write about. If I find some current issue everyone cares about and then like write something smart about it, people will be like, "We should all read Frank J. because he is witty and insightful on the issues I care about."

And other will be like, "This is true."

So... what's in the news...

Man, the new is all like boring and stupid. What's a Haiti?

Oh, here is something; the Democrats are trying to ruin a perfectly good bill stopping useless lawsuits against gun manufacturers.

I hate Democrats!

Anyway, there are like these people trying to sue gun manufacturers out of business, and then they'll destroy our Second Amendment rights because it doesn't matter if you have a right to guns if you can't buy any. It's just like people ruining the First Amendment by stopping the manufacture of... uh... speech.

No, wait, I mean like if it was too expensive to like go on the internet or phone people, because then you could talk all you want but no one could hear you... except for your neighbors who will call the police if you're too loud. Stupid neighbors. Hey, you show me what volume Korn should be played at.

Where was I? Oh yeah... lawsuits! Now, what I don't get is why when the gun manufacturers are in court, they don’t just go, "I would like to submit one of my products as evidence," and then turn around and shoot the plaintiff and lawyers. "See; it works just fine." That would be so cool!

Well, this bill, they won't even have to go to court and waste their time (I think that whole shooting the plaintiffs thing breaks some sort of legal tradition), and it looks like it should pass the Senate easy... but the Democrats are trying to add anti-gun amendments to it.

I hate Democrats!

They want an amendment that messes with gun shows, which, if you ever been to one, is lots of fun... except, maybe, for the people with WWII memorabilia (i.e., Nazi flags). Anyway, this won't affect that, just the gun sales - which are cool! Stay away from the gun sales, you bastards.

On a side note, I found that a gun show isn’t always the best place to bring your girlfriend, but your mileage may vary.

Anyhoo, then there is the renewal of the so-called "assault weapons" ban. Notice the "so-called" and the scare quotes. That's because who wrote the ban didn't know jack about guns. He probably couldn't tell a bullpup from a hole in the ground. They should have people who know things about guns write the bills... but those people would like guns so they'd probably write good bills like the "Be Nice to Your Gun and Oil It" bill. But what they call an "assault weapon" in the so-called "assault weapons" ban is just guns that look cool or have cool names. Someone should bring a real assault weapon into congress - fully automatic with a grenade launcher - and then say, "Now this here is an assault weapon." Then he should give the Democrats the crazy eye. "Just try and ban it! Make my day!"

Oh, and now I'm getting e-mails from people saying that the NRA is for this compromise, and then I'm getting e-mails from the NRA saying that's a total crock. That's good, because the media has spent so much effort painting the NRA as extreme that you aren't going to get very far telling people they aren't far right enough on a gun issue.

So where was I? Oh yeah, I wanted to say something profound and unique on the issue so that people will say, "That Frank, he's a smart one he is."

"And relevant too," another will add.

So... uh... profound... er... uh...

I hate Democrats!

Just as I was about to go to work, I decided to check my e-mail one more time, and then I found this e-mail from Tony Pentin who ends up being a limey! To make this appropriate for The Children™, I've replaced the f-word with "hug" and "wax", alternately replaced "off" with "on", replaced "Rage Against the Machine" with "The Backstreet Boys", and replaced the song "Sleep Now In The Fire" with "The Good Ship Lollipop."

You are clearly an extreme right-wing religious, fascist, lying, stupid, Hitler sympathising, Ku-Klux Klan loving, sexist, racist, ageist, anti-gypsy/travellers bigoted, completely ignorant, arrogant lunatic nutcase who represents everything that is wrong with your country. You are the kind of prick that looks at places such as Alabama, inner city California and other places where there is terrible poverty and blames the poor. You bastard! There is 35 million people in your country in poverty - the country that you call the land of the free. 1 in 8 in poverty! Free and America - they're oxymorons!!! Complete propaganda! There is 45 MILLION without access to health care. Ever see The Backstreet Boy's video "The Good Ship Lollipop" in 1999 two years before they split up? I bet you want the four of them shot! And I bet you're gonna marry that evil cow Ann Coulter!

Oh, and one more thing - you can say goodbye to Bush cos he's history.

Go hug yourself...even better go and read some books you anti-left dangerous reactionary! WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON!

I'm from England but I suppose I'm just a limey in your eyes!

Here is my response:

First I have the spam e-mails, then the e-mails generated by worms, and now e-mails from limeys! This is too much. The internet was supposed to be a world-wide resource of information, and, to keep it that way, we should have never let other countries have access to it... especially limeys.

First off, could you give me some context as to what set this off, you random limey? Do you only have 20 minutes a day out of the asylum, you crazy limey? Did you react negatively to my stance on the fiduciary policy of the Polynesian Islands?

Oh, I know. I disagree with you on something so I have to like Hitler, you bigoted limey. Know who else thought everyone who disagreed with him must like Hitler? Hitler, thar’s who, you Nazi limey!

And what in the God's name are you talking about with "anti-gypsy/travellers"? Did I just miss the huge gypsy/traveler debate here in America, you ignorant limey?

And I don't blame the poverty on the poor; I just simply laugh at them. I never really thought about what the cause is. You seem to know a lot about it... maybe you're behind it, you evil limey!

And what's this about raging against machines? If the snack machine fails to give you your Twix bars, there should be a number on the machine to call to get a refund. There is no reason to "rage", you stupid limey.

And what do you mean Bush is history? Are you threatening him, you violent limey? I'll report this to Secret Service:

"Some slimy limey is threatening the president!"

And they'll say: "Thanks. We'll send out our limey execution squad."

And then it will be a complete limey holocaust, so watch it, bucko.

And what's with all the swearing? Do you eat crumpets with that mouth, you grimy limey?

Anyway, thanks for the input.

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. What exactly does limey mean? Is it like an insult? I once put a lime in my bottle of Corona, but then I was like, "Why in God's name am I drinking Corona? I want Guinness!" I hear that if you try putting lime into Guinness, a bunch of Irishmen will suddenly appear and beat you up. Could you try it and see if some Irishmen beat you up... I mean other than the ones who usually do.

Wanker.

That should send his limey brain into a loop.

I ended up going home early yesterday and sleeping as I wasn't feeling well. Thus, there was not much time for posts. I just got a juicy piece of hate mail, though, so, if I have time at lunch and you're all good, I'll respond to it in the afternoon.

UPDATE: We've sold out on 2XL IMAO t-shirts, so it probably won't be longer until the others are gone as well. If you were thinking of getting a t-shirt, I'd do it soon.

No pressure...

Carissa (and Reva) from Berkeley, CA write:
I go to school at UC Bezerkeley, and am active in the Republican club up here(thank God, or I'd have turned homicidal by now... either that or hippie, not sure which would be worse... but I digress...) This Friday, John Kerry is holding a special event in nearby Oakland and some friends and I were planning on going in all our Republican gear, just to piss him off. However, his rally is being held at the local teamsters union hall, and I'm worried about health risks that are associated with going to such a place. What do you recommend? Is it worth the potential life-threatening effect to associate ourselves with such an organization, even if it is to taunt a Democrat? We're quite torn and thought you could offer the best advise on the matter... so please help, our lives rest in your hands!

I'll talk from experience here. During the 2000 campaign season, Al Gore came to speak at my college, Carnegie Mellon University. He happened to be speaking from the front steps of the building where my lab was, and, at the time he was speaking, I had to get a lab assignment checked off. So I end up having to fight my way past Secret Service agents to find a back entrance to the building, just barely getting there in time. I did get one glance of Al Gore through the windows at the front of the building and gave him the evil eye.

But that's neither here nor there. A friend of mind did attend the speech, and he had a bumper sticker for Senator Rick Santorum on a folder he was carrying. A teamster then grabbed his folder and ripped up the homework. I don't know how your professors will react to, "A teamster ripped up my homework."

Anyway, teamsters are mindless, angry brutes, and I wouldn't recommend confronting them unless you are well versed in ninjitsu or are lowered into the crowd in a steel cage to taunt them from. What do you call that? Oh yeah, a teamster cage. If you don't have the cage, I'd bait the Democrats the usual way we do, by being capitalistic.

matt l from Dallas, TX asks:
Who would win in a battle between the Red Baron and The Green Giant?

The Green Giant because he eats his vegetables. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Oh, AND DON'T DO CRACK!!!

Doug from NC writes:
Hey, Frank. When I reverse the batteries in my little fan, it runs backwards; but when I reverse the batteries in my flashlight, things don't get darker. What am I missing?

Well, I went to the local sciencetorium to find this out. The question was immediately met with, "Heathen! Bring your godless notions elsewhere!"

Another scientist said, "Follow the marking of the poles, fool boy; they are there for your protection."

"But I'm curious," I answered.

"Science is not about curiosity!" he shouted, "It's about preserving order! Now be gone!"

"Wankers," I uttered as I went back home.

I tried putting the batteries in backwards in a cheap flashlight I got from the supermarket. Nothing happened. So I opened it up. Ends up that inside was a little thing on the circuit that said, "ELECTRICTY FLOW GUARD - DO NOT REMOVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD". So I took it out and turned the flashlight.

Ends up, now the flashlight did not just make things darker, but permanently removed the light from whatever I pointed it at. And, in that darkness, I could hear the wailing and moaning of many spirits. One spoke to me.

"Thank you for creating this eternal darkness in which we can exist," it told me in a harsh whisper, "Now once again we demons can plague your world."

And I was like, "Wow! Demons! Cool!"

So I guess flashlight companies got sued a while ago for releasing demons, so they put that thing in there to keep batteries from working in it backwards. Stupid trial lawyers.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

As you may have noticed, I now have an ad for NavMonkey. It's a good monkey, though, because it paid for an ad. If you're thinking of starting your own blog, it looks like a good deal (I pay more than $20 for two months of hosting).

Also, the pretty lady who want peace through superior firepower has returned. I'm going to have to find out what "Molon Labe" means that is on some of the other Life, Liberty, Etc. products.

BTW, I got a check for $13.86 for some class action lawsuit against companies that made CD's. It's an actual check with no strings attached. Anyone have any idea what that is about?

The list that got the most votes is...

Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, "Help! We're being invaded, eh!"

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan's Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf... actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman's ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people - that's so pathetic I can't even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It's a myth that the normal way a Canadian says "about" is so that it rhymes with "boot". It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No!" You have to catch them in the act or they'll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorist which has caused Canada's boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn't have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It's believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don't assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don't have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada's evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian... well... beat the crap out of him. What? You can't take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, "Eh?"

The polling is closed for Win Frank J.'s Funny™, and I'll have the results along with extended comments and a new Know Thy Enemy™ tomorrow morning. I shall nothing more of the contest until then.

Until then, I participated in picking the dinner guests from hell for Right Wing News (the winner is pretty obvious). Also, John Hawkins is looking for the best Rumsfeld quotes.

* I'm tired of the Democrat primary again. Just pick your joker and get it on... and make it Kerry. It was unfair to float Dean out there as a target and then pull him away, and now I'm all excited to see the piranhas have a go at Lurch. As for the pretty-boy trial lawyer, why don't he aim for something smaller like a guest spot on The Practice.

* Do you hear how Kerry wants to debate Bush about Vietnam because Kerry says that Bush is the one who has been bringing it up for political gain? Little tip, Kerry: the Botox injections go in the muscles of the face, not directly into the brain.

* Nader is such a joke, but I hope a good number of idiot hippies take him seriously to help tip the odds in Bush's favor. I just can't get past the way he says "corporations". He very slowly and meticulously enunciates it (kor-por-ay-shuns), and keeps acting like there is nothing worse in the world and that he can't understand that some people may actually like corporations.

Anyway, he'll never make it anywhere unless he gets some corporate money.

* So what's happening with the Iraq democracy? Details like that aren't as interesting as war, so I haven't been paying much attention. To help, we could donate some Democrats to the Iraqis for them to either vote for, get advice from, or bury in pits. Whatever they want.

* Mel Gibson's move about Jesus is coming out this Wednesday. I plan on seeing it, and it's already got me thinking about theological issues. One is was Jesus technically Jewish or Christian? To be Christian, you have to worship Christ, and that just sounds way too narcissistic for Jesus.

* Speaking of learning from movies, I found out from The Last Castle that flying your flag upside down means you are in distress. That means Japan could be in distress right now and no one would ever know!

* Anyone see King of the Hill Sunday? It was all about Hank taking his son on a camping trip to teach him self-reliance, but then the campsite gets invaded by hippies. He eventually gets rid of the hippies by cutting off park services then telling them how they'll still be able to continue camping, but it will take some "hard work". Next scene, all the hippies are fleeing, and one calls Hank the epithet "Rumsfeld".

It's nice to know there are some shows out there with good values.

* Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a terrorist organization. The NEA says they were only bluffing about killing America's children unless their union demands are met.

* So Al Qaeda is now speaking out against France because of their scarf ban. This has caused France to immediately join in the desperate search for Osama so that they may surrender to him.

* Bush met with the governors Monday. Man, I wish I were a governor. Then, if anyone wasn't treating me with respect, I could say, "Don't you know who I am? I know Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

* In monkey news, there was a census of aggressive monkeys in northern India to see how humans and simians can live together. I think the solution is a little thing called "shotguns".

* Voting in the Win Frank J.'s Funny will go on until noon today (ET). I'll then announce the winner (and losers) tomorrow morning. I did take a glance at the poll results so far, and apparently not everyone has voted for mine. Remember, you're supposed to pick the funniest list. That's funniest.

All blogs are hereby ordered to link to the post below so that we may set a voting record (voting will be cut off 24 hours from its posting - and everyone just vote once). You have your orders; make sure all comply.

Good afternoon, and welcome to the final round of Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny! I'm Susie, and I'll be your hostess for today's fun-filled event. Before we begin, let's recap, shall we?

On February 12, Frank announced a new contest, with the following fabulous prize: two week, all-expense paid(sorry--wrong contest). Here it is:

A permalink at the top of the my main blogroll, plus a permalink within the randomized blogroll, plus a million dollars, plus a free week long ad on my Blog Ads ad space, plus an IMAO t-shirt, minus a million dollars.

The contest is fiendishly simple: five randomly chosen (except for First Loser Harvey, who got a bye on the number generator ride) candidates had an opportunity to go toe to toe with the King of Humor by writing a top ten list, and whoever's the funniest, by reader vote, wins!!! In order to keep things fair, Emperor Misha devised the subject matter of the list, and all six contestants emailed their answers to a neutral party (that would be moi) for posting here at IMAO (hey, Price Waterhouse is expensive!).

It's time to introduce our contestants!!!!! Maestro, if you please...

Our first contestant is Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless of the eponymous Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless blog. Dustin declined to tell us a little about himself, so personal information has been supplied for him--Dustin likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. He says, "I was gonna do some trash talking here.. but I remain dedicated to the principles of procrastination, so I'm just not gonna." A man has to have his principles, right?

Our next contestant is the versatile and suave Joey of Single White Male. Joey also is extremely reluctant to provide any salacious salient details ("Wouldn't that qualify as revealing who wrote what, and be grounds for disqualification?") so on his behalf, lets just say he likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. As to the trash-talking: "I'm too nice of a guy to trash talk fellow conservatives. So all I have is the list."

Third we have rasta, who neglected to provide his URL in his entry email and is making me work to find it.... rasta says

I sure hope to win. Frank has been my hero so to overcome your hero is well awesome. Ok well First I am going to give some info on the blog. You can call it all humor; you can call it a holy script from God. Not that I am saying that my blog is better then Jesus or anything. It's like a gift in an odd shaped package, sounds like a bomb huh? Well all I am saying is even though it is satire it is still somewhat true and the other part is all bull. Anyway I hope to win and if I do it will be amazing that a 16 year old beat Frank.

So far, there's been a disturbing lack of trash-talking here. Perhaps our next contestant can do better...

I honestly don't know why you guys are bothering to challenge me. The only chance you have is tucked away in a cardboard box next to the Community Chest cards.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU Mr. I-M-A-Oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-lose-my-own-contest-and-have-to-de-link-myself,

What are YOU laughing at, Single White FAIL? It's not like YOUR top ten list is going to get any votes except from your own mother.

And did I hear a snicker from Behind Enemy REDlines? Try a little 000000 on that eyesore blog of yours. There ARE other colors in the spectrum, you know.

Dustin the No Longer Blogless? I'm just guessing, but I suspect that you got the idea for your blog name after you asked your girlfriend "You love it this way, doncha baby?" and she answered, "No, longer". Oh, wait… nevermind. Inflatable women can’t talk.

Kabasue's Little Blog? Grey on black? Did your 16 year-old goth girlfriend pick your color scheme? And if you need to borrow my enter key so you can put some line breaks in your posts, send me an e-mail. Trying to read your blog is like trying to read a puddle of alphabet soup.

Bad Money? More like Sad Unfunny. How do you figure there's entertainment value in posting pictures of money that a crack-addled orangutan scribbled on? Why don't you try captioning used toilet paper, too? That's probably funny. And...

Oops. Got carried away for a second there.

Anyway, you might as well admit defeat now, 'cuz ALL you losers are goin' down like a Clinton intern!

About the author of this abuse:

Harvey is a 37-year-old disgruntled Wisconsin bank teller, who has been blogging for about 8 months. Other projects include: handing-out and rounding-up Alliance of Free Blog assignments, serving on the 6-judge panel of the King of the Blogs Tournament, and trying to get his Beloved Wife to make contented and/or satisfied sighing sounds as often as possible between blog entries. He was also "First Loser" in Frank J's first "Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink Contest" and will be forever grateful to Frank for giving him his first crack at blog stardom.

Whew! Now that's more like it!

Contestant number five is also a minimalist who likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. Monster Kabasue was more concerned with an possible email malfunction than my time and trouble having to look up his blog name and URL (Sigh...you owe me, Frank!). He also neglected the trash-talking....

Which brings us to our sixth contestant, our very own Frank J of IMAO. Frank says

"Description Self: Humor god who is exalted above all others.

Trash Talk: This is a waste of my time. The idea that someone can be funnier me is an insult to both God and man. You shall be punished for your hubris to stand against me, and the scars you get from your humiliation at my hands shall last until the day you die. Muh ha ha ha!"

We'll be right back after this short commercial break (please click on the Netflix ad to your right and sign up so Frank gets money).

Welcome back to Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny! Before I post the lists, a little about the process...All lists were jumbled together in my email program. As each list was removed it was randomly assigned a number. These numbers were entered at random.org where an even more random number was assigned. The entries, in random order, are:

Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004

List 1
1.Well a sex scandal would be nice, but then again is that so bad?
2.Maybe something about racism, it never seems to get old
3.They put Quaker oats out of business and replace them with Liberal Oats, which
sounds good but its really not. (I was going to say that they provide you
with your daily tofu but they already do that.)
4.They start coming to your door like Jehovah™s witnesses
5.Liberals come out with a new whistle that is just a recording of a liberal
whining. It somehow attracts ducks, and the platypus, and unfortunately young
business men by the name of Henry.
6.They Kill Archie Bunker for reasons only the ACLU can understand
7.They make a Jesse Jackson dictionary, or C.D. of Al Sharpton and Jesse singing "Free at last".
8.In showing that they care, all the liberals get together with Michael Jackson
and record a song about the NRA called "Boys just wanna have guns".
9.They decide to have a Jew run for president one day, o wait never mind.
10.They have David Lettermen do a Top 10 on them to try and get more people to
like them. (Hey. That's what Howard Dean did and look what happened.).

List 2
"Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004"

10 Kerry and Edwards will announce they will blow of the president elections to go to California to get married.

9 In response to Kerry and Edwards running off to San Francisco the Democratic Party will nominate Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf as a presidential candidate who could truly communicate with America.

8 Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf running mate will be Adolph Hitler he will be playing the “Any body but Bush” ticket, he also might play the race card too, see as cloned Germans are in fact a very small minority.

7 In the last days of the Election Democrats will refuse to vote/work/breath because the election is all ready fixed, and that Bush knows.

6 Democrats will declare if Bush wins they shall hold their breath till they get their way, and maybe fall on the ground and pound their fists.

5 Kerry and Edwards will both have… wardrobe malfunctions to entice the MTV crowd.

4 Dean will nominate Kerry because he is because Tony the Tiger said he is grrrrYEEEEAAAAHHHHHttt

3 Democrats will insist on giving every one in Mexico an honorary American Citizenship as part of their campaign promises

2 During the final days of nomination, Kerry and Edwards will appear in biker paints and sing the theme song from “Robin hood men in Tights”

1 During a press conference Kerry will rip off his face reviling that he is really Skeletor.

List 3
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10. Increase minimum wage. Increase taxes. Decrease net income.
9. Attack ourselves for having WMDs. Using the WMDs.
8. Rally in favor of gay marriage and interspecies marriage. For example, a
horse and a donkey. That'd be weird.
7. Hire dead clowns to advertise for them. Because, y'know, like the Loony
Moonbat Left, dead clowns are funny and sad.
6. Withdraw all candidates from the presidential race because it's "fixed
anyway."
5. Attempt to reanimate Jimmy Carter.
4. Withdraw all candidates from the presidential race because it's "fixed
anyway."
3. Boycott all foods that are made from once living things. Except Aborted
Fetus Burgers™.
2. Legalize marijuana because the great founders of our country George
Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Reinstate slavery for the same
reason.

And the number one way the left will make themselves look even more
hopelessly ridiculous in 2004

Claim the Israelites must be morons because they once listened to a bush.

List 4
TOP 10 LIST

December 31, 2004

[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel’s newest and highest-rated news magazine show, “Hard Right”, hosted by the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]

Good Evening, I’m Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right – “2004: The Year in Review”. A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.

But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta’s, please? Thanks.

[jiggles breasts gratuitously]

Now to our stories:

Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the “YEARRRGGGGH! Party”, and known popularly as the “Scream-ites”, this gaggle of gruel-brained nugget-heads attempted to create a “Draft Dean” movement. Sadly – well, sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building to implode, killing all inside.

Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello, Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard Dean’s original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However, during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No one has taken him seriously since.

Number 8: Immediately after Moore’s utter humiliation, Congressional Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked, piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.

Number 7: As the furor around “Piddle-Gate” expanded, Hillary Clinton, frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally televised news conference. The nation’s health care system nearly collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary’s news conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness. Prune sales plummeted.

Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A grateful nation wept with joy.

Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference, claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone, and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously, and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, “that two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.”, unquote.

Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry protested Bush’s foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.

Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service, waving signs printed with such vile crap as “Hinckley should’ve shot you twice” and “Burn in hell, Bonzo”. The enraged crowd turned on the outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later dubbed “Kick’n’Piddlestock ‘04”. Sales of the DVD are currently on track to break the record previously held by the movie “Titanic”.

Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics posted entries on their… what’s that word there? “blogs”? What the hell is a “blog”?… [off camera: “Just read the story, Melinda”]…ok, uh, “blogs”… * giggle * … that sounds like someone throwing up – blaaaaaaagh! * snort *… anyway, heh, on their “blogs”, calling on leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher… [off camera: MELINDA!]… * snicker * … sorry, couldn’t resist… blogger Frank J. of IMAO organized the now-famous counter-protest “Operation Groin Stomp”. Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.

And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath, Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon. Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the mass of fetid hippies started chanting “no blood for green cheese!”, Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.’s brilliant strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and harmony.

That’s our recap of the year’s top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I’m Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying enthusiastically] are my boobs. Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.

List 5
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10. Decide that liberals are a master race and use Michael Moore as an example of what a model human should look like.

9. Rob from the rich, give to the poor, shot by the police.

8. Decide that protest chants must not only rhyme but also must be able to be sung to the tune of "Funky Town".

7. Combine an Atkins diet with a vegan diet and then just starve to death.

6. Not only try and tie Bush's grandfather to the Nazi's, but go even further back to show that an ancient relative of his gave the thirty pieces of silver to Judas.

5. Their solution to Islamo-facists: Gay-marriage.

4. Decide to abandon the Democrats for being too moderate and instead put all their backing behind the dynamic powerhouse that is Ralph Nader.

3. Same idiotic rhetoric as before, but now in Klingon.

2. Blame all the worlds troubles on some poor woman named Halle Burton.

And the number one way the loony moonbat left will make themselves look even MORE hopelessly ridiculous in 2004...

Start protesting election results in October.

List 6
10. Al Franken will host a blog entitled “Blogging Bloggers and the Lefties that Blog Them,” and insist that all comments be written in pig latin. Glenn Reynolds remarks “indeedway.”

9. The Union will be plunged into chaos as the Howlin’ Howard Deaniacs mount a coup attempt in upstate Vermont. They will terrorize the countryside for exactly 3.73 minutes until they are dealt a resounding defeat by the local Boy Scout Troop 137 and their “fuzzy bunny bomb” offensive.

8. John F. Kerry will drop out of the presidential race in order to star in a lucrative Droopy Dog live-action movie. In a strange twist of fate, the Democrat nomination will not go to Senator John Edwards, but instead goes to psychic John Edward, who insists that the spirit of the original JFK is guiding his campaign.

7. 37 people will be injured during a Democrat “Adopt a Frenchman” event, when the gathered Frenchmen are panicked into stampeding by a midget named Steve wearing a red suit. Quote from the event – “The little red devils! THE LITTLE RED DEVILS!”

6. Senator Ted Kennedy will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” - Emergency personnel will, unfortunately, be able to revive him before the lack of oxygen does any permanent damage.

5. 43 members of PETA will be horribly mutilated, while protesting offshore drilling, when they are attacked by a rogue school of mutated sea monkeys. Peter Jennings reports: “Until today… I had never thought… to fear a monkey.”

4. The Hippys for Peace, Happiness, and Free Love society will propose that we change the national anthem from the Star Spangled Banner to Give Peace a Chance. They will subsequently be the first to fall to the newly formed Anti-Hippy Ninja Defense Force led by Grand Master Donald Rumsfeld himself.

3. Al Sharpton will don a cape and bucket and declare himself Mr. Bucketheadman. Then proceed to roam the streets of Washington D.C. attempting to wipe out racial inequity.

2. Senator Hillary Clinton will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” - Emergency personnel, having learned their lesson the first time, immediately go on strike.

And the number 1 Way the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004

1. Think that they’re winning.

And now, you must do your part, Gentle Readers--vote for the funniest top ten list below...

POLLING CLOSED

This afternoon, the battle of the century begins. Keep checking this space so as not to miss out on having a vote in the most important conflict since the war in Iraq.

"Corporations. Corporations. Nothing but big corporations."

Cheney shut off the T.V. "Nader has entered the race."

"Man, I've never heard someone say 'corporations' so many times in one minute," Bush remarked, "and he says it like it's a swear word. What happened to him? Did a corporation pick on him when he was a kid?"

"He's just a sick, twisted individual," Cheney answered.

"And perhaps the key to your reelection," said the hooded figure of Karl Rove as he emerged from the shadows.

"Why does my presidency always rely on sick, twisted individuals?" Bush exclaimed.

"He tipped the scales in your favor in 2000," Rove said, "and he could do so again."

"He's like a Perot," Bush said, "but working for me instead of against me like in 1992. I'm still stinging from that one."

"That was your father!" Cheney exclaimed angrily.

Bush thought for a moment. "Oh yeah. I get us confused because we have the same name."

Cheney slapped Bush upside the head. "Do you have to do that?" Bush asked angrily.

"Yes. It's part of my job as VP."

Bush rubbed the back of his head. "One of these days I'm going to read the Constitution and check that."

"Can we focus?" Rove demanded angrily, the room growing darker as he spoke, "We must make sure that the one called Nader gains support from the liberals. The only way to do that is to make them think that there are few differences between the Democrats and Republicans."

"But the Democrats are different!" Bush objected, "They smell!"

"Are we going to talk about war at any point in this meeting?" Rumsfeld demanded.

"This is all about reelection strategy," Cheney answered.

"Then I'm going to my office and punch holes in my wall," Rumsfeld said as he got up, "You girls call me when we're back to talking about useful things."

"Less distractions," Rove uttered, "Now, we need to have people infiltrate a meeting of liberals and convince them to become grassroots support for Nader. Then they will pull in others and no one will be able to stop us."

"But everyone is too busy with government functions to do stupid crap like that," Cheney said, "Well... except for Bush; I'm not sure if he does anything."

"That's right!" Bush said, "I don't do anything! I'll do it!"

"Then it is decided," Rove uttered, before fading back into the shadows.

* * * *

"Just set it on fire," Bush said into his cell phone, "Whenever I don't understand anything, I set it on fire."

"What are you doing?" Scott McClellan asked.

"I'm just giving my daughter Barbara advice," Bush answered.

"Jenna!" Jenna shouted through the phone.

"Hey, I get you two confused; you're twins," Bush said.

There was an audible groan through the phone and then a dial tone. "She hung up," Bush stated as he put the phone away. "So do I look like a hippy? I have the tie dye t-shirt and fruity colored glasses and everything."

"You're wearing khakis," Scott pointed out.

"I always said I should have paid more attention to what kind of pants hippies wear," Bush said, shaking his head.

"So is this rainbow dye going to wash out of my hair," Scott asked while scratching his scalp.

"What am I? A hairatoligist?"

"You know, I do have useful things to be doing," Scott stated angrily, "If you just appreciated how hard those press conference are to give, you wouldn't be taking me on your misadventures."

"First, until something goes wrong, this is just an adventure," Bush corrected him, "Second, I have a great replacement for you today to do the press conference."

Scott rolled his eyes. "Who is it this time?"

"It's not a who," Bush said, "but I got one of the smartest animals that isn't a human."

* * * *

"Isn't that dolphin going to die if someone doesn't put him back in a tank," a reporter asked.

"Hey, he's weak and weary," answered another reporter, rubbing his hands together greedily, "Maybe we can trick a straight answer out of him."

* * * *

"So what meeting are we infiltrating?" Scott asked.

"Nader is speaking at a group who protests world trade and corporate expansion," Bush told him, "They're called "Progressives Against Progress". Now let's get inside."

They both entered the auditorium and were soon inundated with the pungent smell of hippies. "If you need to vomit," Bush whispered to Scott, "Cover it up by saying you had some bad weed."

"I don't know about this Nader," said one hippy to another, "He's just going to make Bush win again, and Bush is bad."

"But the Democrats are just like me, dudes," Bush interjected, and then Scott nudged him. "I mean like Bush... dudes. Both Kerry and Edwards voted for the war like Bush, and they like oil same as Bush and... uh... they wear ties."

"You make some great points," one of the hippies stated, "What's your name?"

"I'm... uh... Moonshine," Bush answered, "and my friend here is... uh... T-Bone... wait, that's a gansta name, not a hippy name... I mean his name is Tubby McGee."

"Tubby McGee!" Scott exclaimed.

"You and Tubby are two smart dudes," said another hippy.

"This is true," Bush answered, "We smoke lots of things that make us smart. Right, Tubby."

"Yep. Lots of smoking," Scott answered.

"So tell all your buddies that Democrats are just as bad as the Republicans and to vote for Nader," Bush stated.

"Will do, Moonshine!" the hippies answered.

"Wow," Scott whispered, "I'm amazed to find people dumber than you."

"It is amazing!" Bush exclaimed, "And I'm playing them all for saps!"

Soon everyone hushed up as Nader came on the stage. "Corporations!" he yelled, "The Democrats and Republicans are owned by corporations! Bush is nothing but a living, breathing corporation!"

"Preach it, brother!" Bush shouted.

"Corporations!" Nader shouted, "I went into a McDonalds the other day... ends up it was a corporation!"

The audience gasped.

"Man, all this talk about corporations is reminding me I need to check on my stock portfolio," Bush said to Scott as he took out his cell phone, "I'm glad I got that stock market working again."

"Hey, cell phones are made by corporations!" Nader shouted as he pointed at Bush.

"Quiet!" Bush answered, "I'm checking my stocks."

"Stocks are tools of corporations!" Nader shouted. He then looked more closely at Bush. "You look familiar."

A hippy pulled the fruity colored glasses off of Bush. "It's Bush!" they all shouted.

"Corporations in disguise!" Nader shouted as he pointed at Bush and Scott. "Get them before they corporate!"

The hippies surrounded Bush and Scott. "You'll never catch me with my corporation made jetpack!" Bush laughed as he blasted off through the skylight. “Muh ha ha ha!”

"I didn't get a jetpack," Scott said as he watched Bush fly away. He then saw all the angry hippies around him and began to cower. After a moment of thought, though, he asked, "Wait? What do angry hippies do? Throw tofu at me?"

"And hommus."

"Eep."

Did I step over the line when I joked that Rachel Lucas is dead? It gets hard to step over the line with humor about distant subjects, but Rachel had been a big part of the blogosphere and that's more like making a joke about someone we know. Personally, I'm frustrated by her dissappearance, and I guess I did it out of a hope to provoke some answers.

Anyway, I like making fun of Commies and hippies because we all hate them, but things become quickly unfunny for me if I feel I've distressed someone. So was that joke over the line?

Tomorrow morning I'll have a new In My World™, and, then, in the afternoon, the contest will begin. It will be your job to pick the funniest of the six top ten lists presented to you (which is the same as finding mine out of the six - Muh ha ha ha!).

Bring it on!

Play as Bush and Condi as you shoot your way out of the White House against attacking ninjas.

The ending is really cool.

(Thanks to reader Brian for e-mailing me about this)

Traveler from NW Ohio writes
Given the following Black-hole Dynamic Laws ...
first law of black hole dynamics
For interactions between black holes and normal matter, the conservation laws of mass-energy, electric charge, linear momentum, and angular momentum, hold. This is analogous to the first law of thermodynamics.
second law of black hole dynamics
With black-hole interactions, or interactions between black holes and normal matter, the sum of the surface areas of all black holes involved can never decrease. This is analogous to the second law of thermodynamics, with the surface areas of the black holes being a measure of the entropy of the system.

How much force would it take to make Michael Moore implode?

About one more taco will do it.

Actually, I think we should start a fund to feed Michael Moore until he implodes, sending him random gifts of fatty goods. If it's timed right, he'll suck a bunch of his liberal admirers into the black hole he makes from himself, creating one extremely annoying and obnoxious singularity.

matt l from Big D, TX asks:
Now that we own our own oil producing country, why do gas prices continue to rise? Shouldn’t I now be able to fill up my Freedom loving suv for free? (while all those dirty hippies and protesters pay double, and clean my house)

Why would you want dirty hippies and protestors cleaning your house? But this is Frank Answers™, not Frank Questions™.

Anyway, I was a little surprised by gas prices myself. I thought since we just traded all that blood for oil, we would be paying ten cents a gallon now. But inside sources tell me they're saving it for Bush's reelection. If he gets reelected, free oil for everyone who supported the war. If he loses, he'll spray all the oil on everyone who didn't support him and set them on fire.

Actually, he might do that either way.

Clint the Cool Guy from Texarkana, TX asks:
1. If you could become invisible, would you still be able to see?
2. Do you report your website earnings on your income tax?

1. No, because light needs to reflect off your eye for you to be able to see, and, if light reflects off something, it is also seen (and thus wouldn't be invisible). Solutions are to just have your eyes visible and totally freak people out or be completely invisible and blind and bumping into everything and people are like, "What the hell is bumping into everything? It's like some moronic poltergeist!" and they'd be totally freaked out.

But if you're already blind and used to it, like Zatoichi, the blind samurai, then being invisible would totally rock.

2. Uh... I dunno. Maybe I'll bring that up on H&R; Block, but if I don't report them, everyone who visits this site claim you do it for charity.

Will in Knoxvvegas, Tennessee writes:
I'm sad about Rachel Lucas shutting down her blog. What can you do to get her back? Maybe a team of Stealth Ninjas to "change her boss' mind" to give her a full weeks pay, while actually dropping her from all work responsibilities? I think if I worked too much and had no time to blog, that would be enough to get me back. Maybe I've just got a narcissistic disorder too. Sweet.

Rachel Lucas was a great blogger, and she helped me move to MT and even made the logo you see above, but I'm afraid she is never coming back.

Rachel Lucas is dead.

I'm sorry to report it, but I was the one to ID her after the fiery car accident. The only identification left was a rant written on the back of a napkin - the style unmistakably Rachel's - plus a few pictures of her dog Sunny. Just let the world know that she died as she lived: hating Michael Moore and Barbra Streisand.

Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State
Bread always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet. So if you securely strap a piece of buttered bread, butter side up, to the back of a cat and drop the ensemble off the top of a building, what happens at the bottom?

The easiest way to find the answer to this would be to strap the said buttered bread to said cat and throw him off said building, but that's not scientifical. Science involves equations and theories.

Now, a cat lands on its feet because of an innate sense of equilibrium. Buttered bread lands butter side down for the sake of irony. The question is which force is more powerful? To me, the power of irony would only overpower the cat’s sense of equilibrium if someone really intended on eating that bread:

"Now, Mittens, I'm going to strap this piece of buttered bread to you for safe keeping as I'm really hungry... No stay away from the edge of the building, Mittens! Now land on your feet as always... Nooo! Not your back! My piece of bread is ruined! And Mittens had always landed on his feet before. Why, God, why?"

John S. from Valdez, Alaska writes:
Frank, I live in Alaska in a place where we get a lot of snow. Where does all the white go when the snow melts in the spring?

I used to live in Alaska, too, and I once stumbled upon the answer. Ends up all the white goes into an underground cave run by little gnomes who then package it up and sell it to the Colombians who then sell it back to Americans as cocaine. It seems like an inefficient process, but your know how magical gnomes are.

Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas asks:
If E=mc^2, what happens if you only double mc?

Well, then you get two times mc, and don't you dare try and pass that off as energy because no one is going to believe it. Once the power company tried to sell me 2mc instead of real E, and I found out right away and was like, "Hey! Jerk-offs! Give me the good stuff before I punch you in the face!"

Yeah, that's right. Don't try and get any of that 2mc crap pass Frank.

Kelly (aka The Patriette) from somewhere in the middle of Texas writes:
1. With your infinite knowledge, why aren't you running for President? We could use someone with your type of ideas.
2. If President Bush were to select you to replace Dick Cheney as his running mate, what would you do?

1. Some jackass put in the Constitution you have to be 35 to be president, making me eleven years lacking. Other than that, I'd so be president right now. Anyway, Frank for President in 2016 (presumably right after Condi finishes her second term).

2. Total crime spree, dude. I wouldn't have anything better to do, and my best bud has pardon power, so look out! We're talking daring daylight robberies followed by bar fights all night long. Watch out, everyone, Frank's the VP, and you can't touch me. Woo-hoo!

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

That's my answer to this challenge against me. I just submitted my top ten list, and had enough rejected items to make another winning top ten list.

Today is a day off for me, so I slept in, but I'll have a bunch of Frank Answers™ for you soon because you've all been so good.

Emperor Misha I has chosen the topic for Win Frank J's Funny. I'll hack out something hilarious when I have five minutes free, but all the other competitors have 24 hours to futilely try and top me.

I need to record a phone conversation for cool reasons I'll reveal later, and I've hooked a phone line into my laptop and tried various software. Some claim my modem doesn't support voice, but I found one program, Call Corder, that seems to work fine. The only problem is that the recording seems to use the voice recorder that comes with all windows operating systems and that cuts off after a minute of recording. Anyone know a way to make it record longer?

UPDATE: Any other ideas or software to use for record a phone call would be appreciated, as I'm not sure some of the tricks for making Microsoft Sound Recorder record longer (loading a large blank file) will help here.

UPDATE 2: Got a 2.4 GHz wireless phone (I have a 802.11g netowrk, but the box says it's 802.11 friendly). It has speakerphone options for both the base and handset, and that plus a microphone and duct tape is an engineering solution to the problem. Boo-yah!

And now I have a wireless phone for my den. I'd always run to the kitchen when the phone rings because I hate using a wired phone.

THIS EPISODE OF IN MY WORLD IS SPONSORED BY: Cooper for President
Are you tired of John Kerry, fifth column traitors, and Islamos? Then vote
for the 'tard: Cooper for President!

* * * *

"...and then I'll rip out your entrails and dangle them from a tree that is to be chosen at a later date," Rumsfeld said.

"But that doesn't answer my question about the quagmire in Iraq," the reporter responded.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he ripped a mike out of his podium and tossed it at the reporter's head.

"My question is about the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay and the violation of their rights," stated another reporter.

"Why do you care about terrorist scum?" Rumsfeld demanded, "I guarantee that that human filth is not being hooked up to electrodes, having their fingernails pulled out, bring beaten with a rubber hose, or any other various thing I'm planning on doing to them. Does that make you pansies happy?"

"We hear that some of the terrorists aren't delighted with their conditions," said another reporter.

"That's it! No more questions," Rumsfeld exclaimed as he pulled out two .45's, "Now you all die!"

The press fled the room. Bush then came up to Rumsfeld. "You need to control that temper, Rummy."

"The only thing I need to control is my aim!"

"I know what would make you feel better!" Bush exclaimed, "A visit to beautiful Cuba!"

"Yes," Rumsfeld said as he put away his guns, "Time to torture some terrorists!"

* * * *

"So here we are at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba," Bush narrated to the benefit of the readers.

"Torture! Torture! Torture!" Rumsfeld said excitedly as he walked towards the base.

"Hey Mr. President and Mr. Warmonger," said the Commander of the base, "Don't you have things to do in Washington?"

"They say things go more smoothly when I'm not there," Bush answered, "Now where are these wily terrorists?"

"Just point us to the torture chamber," Rumsfeld ordered.

"Uh... we don't have a torture chamber," the Commander said, "We treat the prisoners nice here to keep Amnesty International off our backs."

Bush looked around. "Hey, this place looks more like a club than a prison."

"And the drink prices at this tiki bar are way too low," Rumsfeld yelled, He then turned to the commander. "You’re coddling the prisoners! So all this time I've been covering you by saying you’re not torturing the prisoners and trampling their rights, you've actually been not torturing the prisoners and not trampling on their rights?"

"Well... yeah!" the Commander admitted.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld screamed, causing the man to run away.

Soon a terrorist walked by holding a blue ball and a racket. "This racquetball is losing its bounce," he complained, "You better get me new ones or I'll call Amnesty International!"

Rumsfeld grabbed the terrorist by his neck and held him up in the air. "You're going to spill your guts about what you know or you're literally going to spill your guts when I rip them out with a dull spoon!"

"Amnesty International!" Bush exclaimed as some people came walking by.

"What's going on here?" one of Amnesty International demanded.

"Terrorists aren't being tortured and murdered, that for sure," Bush said.

"We heard the racquetball courts at this detention camp aren't adequate. Is this true?"

The terrorists, who was being hugged tight to Rumsfeld, said in weak voice, "No. Everything is fine."

Amnesty International didn't look too convinced, but they walked off. As soon as they were gone, Rumsfeld picked up the racket and started beating the terrorist over the head with it. "Now tell us what you know! Rarr!"

"Fine! I'll go write up a list of known contacts!" the terrorist said, backing away, "You guys sure are mean."

"That's how you get information from these subhuman bastards," Rumsfeld said.

"We have to be careful, though," Bush stated, "Those Amnesty International freaks are watching us. If they see a terrorist even get inconvenienced, they'll raise hell for me in the press."

"Not my problem!" Rumsfeld announced as he walked further into the camp. Soon he came to a number of terrorists playing video games. "What's this?" Rumsfeld demanded.

"It's a video arcade!" Bush exclaimed happily.

"Quiet!" yelled one of the terrorists, "You're going to make me lose a life."

"Nothing will prevent that," Rumsfeld said, grabbing the terrorist by the head and smashing it into the arcade game screen.

"Hey! I wanted to play that game next!" Bush complained.

Rumsfeld punched through the wall and ripped out a pipe. Holding it over his head, he yelled, "Now all you terrorists scum are going to tell me what you know and I may not beat you to death... though I probably will anyway!"

"That's a violation of rights!" exclaimed on of Amnesty International who was watching.

"Shouldn't you people be more concerned with the nearby political prisoners imprisoned by Castro than murderous terrorists?" Rumsfeld asked.

"Castro is just trying to preserve his socialist paradise," the Amnesty International worker responded, "but we need to curb the evil, imperialist impulses of America. Do you understand?"

Rumsfeld dropped his pipe.

"See, now you dropped your weapon. And now you have lifted up your hand in a sign of peace while tensing your fingers, and now you are running towards, and now... ack... urk..."

* * * *

"In international news, the so-called 'Rumsfeld Strangler' has struck in Cuba, killing three representatives of Amnesty International," said the anchorwoman, "Leaving behind a note saying, 'I, Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of War, have strangled these people and will strangle more as soon as I find them.' Amnesty International said that, while the strangling of their people is a bad thing, they don’t want to draw attention from the much worse violation of human rights by the twenty percent price hike on drinks for terrorists at Gitmo.

“So far, there are no leads on the killer, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was later asked by reporters and how he felt about a serial killer using his name. He responded with quote, 'I strangled those people, you idiots, and now I'm going to strangle all of you for being so dumb.' Incidentally, all those reporters were soon found dead for unrelated reasons involving strangling."

"I guess the mystery of the Rumsfeld Strangler will never be solved, Diane," commented the anchorman.

"Probably not. Anyway, on to our next story: Canadians - inconsequential neighbors to the North or moose worshipping cannibals?"

Tomorrow afternoon, the topic for the top ten list in the Win Frank J.'s Funny contest will be posted on Emperor Misha I's site. Then the battle of wits will begin. The results will be posted Monday for all to vote upon.

In my post below, I've updated with a link to one of the commercials done in flash by Ike. Go see it now!

Jonah Goldberg put out a suggested campaign ad for President Bush, and I was thinking that whatever Goldberg can do, I can do better. Here are my own ad suggestions (based on the assumption that John Kerry is the nominee).

* * * *

This one will settle all the issues about President Bush's military service.

Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.

ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to tout his military record in Vietnam and belittle Bush's National Guard Service in Alabama but...

Picture of evacuation of Saigon.

ANNOUNCER: Fact: We lost in Vietnam, and that country is now ruled by Communists.

Picture of happy looking southerners.

ANNOUNCER: Fact: Alabama was protected during the seventies and now has a stable - albeit crude - democracy.

Fade to black.

GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush - He fights battles we can win

* * * *

This ad should put the special interest money issue in perspective.

Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.

ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to pretend he cares about regular people, when in fact he gets tons of money from special interests.

Color picture of a smiling George Bush.

ANNOUNCER: And, though it is true that President Bush gets even more money, he get so much that in fact odds are that you, watching this now, are one of those special interest money donators.

Cut to President Bush in the Oval Office.

BUSH: I would just like to thank you for the money, and I promise to spend it on great ads like this.

Fade to black.

GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush - Vote for the man you donated to

Paid for by the Bush Reelection Campaign and you.

* * * *

This one is kind of a cheap shot, but, hey, that's politics for you.

Video of the liberation of Iraq.

ANNOUNCER: Liberals like to say that President Bush didn't find any WMD's.

Cut to President Bush in the Oval Office.

BUSH: But it's not true. I have found WMD's, and – THEY’RE IN JOHN KERRY’S FACE! BOO-YEAH!

Picture of John Kerry.

ANNOUNCER: That's right. John Kerry is a sissy-boy who uses botox injection so he can better admire himself in the mirror.

Fade to black.

GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush - Don't vote for a sissy-boy

* * * *

This one will have a high production cost, but it should play well with the MTV crowd... who I don't really want voting. Anyway, this one is kickass!

Scene: Debate between Bush and an actor playing Kerry.

KERRY: I think the American people really are focused on trivial, inane issues, and that's what I plan to make them my priority as president.

Suddenly a throwing star barely misses Kerry's head and ninjas slide down to the stage from ropes.

AUDIENCE: Oh no! Ninjas!

Kerry ducks behind his podium.

KERRY: Someone protect my important looking hair!

MEMBER OF AUDIENCE: Ninjas are trying to destroy democracy!

Cut to close up of Bush who squints his eyes menacingly.

BUSH: Not while I'm president.

Bush defeats all the ninjas in a well-choreographed kung fu fight.

BUSH: Nothing a real president can't handle.

AUDIENCE: On no! Terrorists!

Cut to long shot showing terrorists with AK-47's surrounding the stage.

HEAD TERRORIST: We are here to terrorize Americans for nonsensical reasons involving Allah and Jews and such.

KERRY (still ducking behind podium): This wasn't agreed to in the debate format!

BUSH: There are too many for me to handle myself!

A grenade lands near the terrorists’ feet and explodes. Arnold Schwarzenegger burst into the fray firing an M-60.

AUDIENCE: It's California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!

ARNOLD: Terrorists are veak and puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!

Bush pulls out a Colt .45, and he and Arnold kill all the terrorists.

AUDIENCE: Yay! Bush and the Republicans have saved us from ninjas and terrorists!

Kerry finally gets up from behind his podium.

KERRY: Now can we stop talking about terrorism and get back to the trivial and petty issues that are at hand?

ARNOLD: You are veak and puny!

Arnold picks up Kerry and throws him through the back wall.

Bush poses before Arnold.

BUSH: If you want a president who knows how to work with federal and local government to kill ninjas and terrorists, make sure to vote for me in November. Right, Governor?

ARNOLD: Dah!

* * * *

So, put your own ad ideas in the comments section, but keep it clean for God's sake and no more bickering. Also, if anyone posts "First!", my new policy is I'll change it to "I poop my pants."

UPDATE: Ike has one of my ads done in flash. Go check it out.

Guess who's going to be watching 24 in widescreen tonight?

That's right - me! I got my rear-projection TV back. Now I don't need you losers for nut'n! Bwa ha ha ha!

Just don't remind me about the repair bill...

Go here to learn of the many fighting techniques of Master Rumsfeld.

(thanks to reader Susan for pointing me to this)

I usually like to make fun of other countries, because, well, I'm American, and it's hard to understand the existence of other countries for any other reason than as targets of my ridicule. I'm going to try and be introspective, though, and I ask all other Americans reading this to do the same. For international readers, this isn't really directed at you, but you can read it anyway or just play in your squalor.

Now, my compatriots, imagine for a moment you didn't live in the most powerful, richest country in the world. Imagine there was another nation out there that made your homeland seem weak and pathetic in comparison. Pretend that your culture was stupid and silly compared to the great imports from some other land. And imagine that no matter how hard your nation tried, it would never have more than a fraction of the riches and power of some other country that shined above all others.

Now imagine that your meager, pathetic excuse for a "nation" sat right next to this Olympus, this god among worms. If your mind can grasp that, then you might understand how Mexico and Canada feels.

We, my friends, are a mansion of immeasurable wealth and size, a Xanadu, while on one side of us sits a two bedroom house you'd never give a second look at and on the other is a run down shack. So how do you think our neighbors look at us? They know they can never measure up, even if they tried, so there is some amount of spite directed at us.

Now, as regular readers of this site know, I make fun of the Canadians quite a lot while I hardly ever direct barbs at the Mexicans. There's good reason for this. The Canadians actually try and convince themselves they are our betters, while the Mexicans pretty much have given up. Most of the Mexicans just try and escape to here, which make much more logical sense than pretending the cardboard box you sit in is a real fort. I think some people were shocked when they heard that some Mexicans heckled an American soccer team by chanting "Osama! Osama!" - shocked by learning that we Americans actually stoop to engaging in that European sissy sport and that the Mexicans could be so mean. While I can't defend the former, the latter is expected. With how easy it is to illegally immigrate to this country, the Mexicans actually left in Mexico must really, really hate us.

Anyway, back to Canada (it just seems mean to bash the Mexicans for very long; poor guys - here's a quarter). Canada likes to delude themselves into thinking they're better than us, which, though it can be cute at times, is often annoying. They make fun of us for not knowing much about Canada without even stopping to think of our viewpoint on that issue, which is, "Why in God's name would we ever need to know anything about Canada?" I mean, I don't know the name of Canada's president or prime minister or grand czar or whatever their leader is called same as I don't know the name of the queen of the anthill in my backyard; it's completely inconsequential to me. Canadians just can't seem to accept that they mean nothing to us. Even Mexico has more influence on American culture than them; we have Mexican restaurants everywhere, but no Canadian restaurants. No one in America knows what Canadians eat, nor are they even slightly curious.

Still Canadians try to match up with us. They even have money just like ours, in all the same denominations, but not worth as much and in fruity colors. Have you ever held a Canadian penny? It's a mind-blowing experience. There in your hand is something actually worth less than one cent. Seeing the Canadian penny is as close as the human mind can come to grasping the concept of absolute nothingness.

You'd think that they'd at least try hard to be useful at something - at one thing at all - so we Americans can respect them in some small measure. But, while we are busy fighting terrorism and standing as the one barrier against the whole world imploding, the top worry in Canada right now is that a puppet made fun of them.

So how does a nation get so silly and inconsequential? The Canadians are too focused on trying to differentiate themselves from us than improving themselves. Such as how they like to tout their universal healthcare:

"I just shot myself in a hunting accident, and then a moose trampled me, eh."

"Well, I just put you down on the list and the doctor will see you aboot two weeks, eh."

And then a great number of them are French speaking. FRENCH SPEAKING! Of all the cultures in the world to try and emulate, they chose the cheese-eating surrender monkeys. That's almost a cry for help, as stark a sign of mental health problems as someone who likes to cut himself with a razor blade.

I guess my point is that we, as Americans, need to pay more attention to our neighbors... and not with mockery. Instead, they need our sympathy and our pity. As the greatest people on earth who ever were or ever will be, we Americans should help other nation make themselves better than they are (but still much less than us). We should gently try to guide Canada to better mental health. And, if gentle doesn't work, then we go on to tried and true shock therapy. As for Mexico, I suggest a really large wall (hey, a few of them need to stay in their own country if it is ever going to improve).

In the least, we need to continue to try and understand what it's like to live in other nations as it makes us better people, and, even greater than that, better Americans.

I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this subject... but no foreigners please. You people have enough problems as it is, and I don't want to add to them by giving any of you of swelled ego by making you think your viewpoints matter to us Americans. Have fun in your "countries".

Peace.

UPDATE: For more than you ever wanted to know about Canadians (which is, well, anything), check out the Carnival of the Canucks.

I'm planning on the top ten topic being unveiled on Thursday. More news as things firm up. While Emperor Misha I has agreed to post the topic, Susie of Practical Penumbra will be the one accepting the submissions to keep things fair and make sure everyone (including me) meets the deadline, as I need no advantage to utterly destroy anyone who would try and match up to me.

Tomorrow, for a change, I have serious piece taking and introspective look at what it's like to be another nation.

No, really, it is serious.

I can write serious.

No you shut up.

Anyway, keep refreshing your browser in anticipation of its appearance tomorrow. See you then.

I used random.org, the official random number generator for contest purposes of IMAO, to select the finalists who will lose to me in the main contest. And here they are...

President George Bush was busy folding classified documents into classified swans when the hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "The elders are worried," he proclaimed, "The economy is improving, but jobs have yet to come. The war in Iraq was a great success, but no WMD's were found. It is foreseen that your reelection will be a mighty battle."

"Well this Texan here ain't afraid of a fight," Bush said, "That's why I joined the National Guard - to fight any of Charlie who tried sneaking over here. In the end, no North Vietnamese made it to either Texas or Alabama, but much beer was snuck in."

"If we are to engage the one called Kerry on our terms, we must get this National Guard issue out of the way," Rove stated.

"Consider it done, Rover."

With that, Karl Rove faded back into the shadows.

* * * *

"See, all these documents will prove that I fulfilled my duty in the National Guard," Bush told White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "Even says I went to the dentist. What kind of deserter would go to the dentist?"

"Yeah, look like this settles the issue," Scott said, looking over the papers. Suddenly, he exclaimed, "Wait a sec…"

"Wait what sec?" Bush asked in a panic, "Why do we have to do some sec waiting? That sounds bad!"

"It says here you're actually a couple points shy of fulfilling your obligation to the National Guard," Scott told Bush as he handed him a report.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "I need to get these points before anyone finds out! What can I do?"

Scott looked at another piece of paper. "It says here, to get those points, you could work one night in the kitchen..."

"Onions make me cry," Bush said.

"...or you could guard the Alabama National Guard base for three hours..."

"Guard duty is boring," Bush declared, "and, if I remember back in seventies, they wouldn't even let you bring a GameBoy."

"...or you could kill one Vietnamese soldier."

"To Vietnam!"

* * * *

"You're going to get a kick out of this," Dick Cheney told Condoleezza Rice, "I put a phony page in Bush's military record to make it look like he hadn't completed his service. I bet he's figured it out by now and gotten a chuckle out of it." The entered the oval office. "Where's Bush?"

Condi picked up a yellow post-it note from the President's desk. "It says, 'Gone to Vietnam. Be back soon.' And he spelled 'be' wrong."

"Ah, hell!" Cheney exclaimed, "This going to end up being a worse international incident than when he set fire to the Louvre."

Condi slapped Cheney across the back of his head. "This is exactly why we keep you in an undisclosed location."

* * * *

"I never killed me a Vietnamese before," Buck the Marine said excitedly as he crawled through the jungle along with Bush and Scott, "My pa was always telling me how much fun it was. Said they had to drag him away when that quitter Nixon ordered everyone to leave."

"Why do I always have to come on these misadventures with you?" complained Scott, who was in full commando gear with camouflage face paint, "I'm just your Press Secretary."

"I bring you along because I usually need someone to carry stuff," Bush answered, wearing commando gear and a cowboy hat, "Anyway, I have a great replacement for while you're gone: Killbot 4000."

* * * *

"So what is Bush's plans for further actions in the Middle East?" asked a reporter.

"Kill all humans," replied the Killbot 4000 in a heavily synthesized voice.

"We know that," complained the reporter, "but we wanted more specifics."

* * * *

"So how long are we going to be crawling around here?" Scott asked.

"Until we find Charlie and kill him," Bush answered.

"So are we staying out here tonight or can we at least go to the nearby Marriott?" Scott inquired hopefully.

Bush rolled his eyes. "It's hardly a commando raid if there's room service and a heated pool."

"Yeah, stupid," Buck answered.

"Now quiet," Bush whispered, "I see something."

They all crept forward until they were out of the jungle and in front of a small house lined by a garden. "Those are some nice flowers," Buck commented.

"We'll see what Agent Orange has to say about that," Bush declared as he pulled out a spray bottle and used it on the garden. "Die Commie flowers!" All the plants began to whither.

Suddenly a woman ran out of the house shouting Vietnamese epithets and swinging a broom at the three. "Cheese it!" Bush yelled, and they all scattered back into the jungle. Hidden beneath the brush, they soon regrouped. "Wow," Bush uttered, "My first tactical retreat. But we need to find some soldiers to kill."

"We could go to a military base," Buck suggested, “Usually there are soldiers there.”

"Uh... won't we be killed taking on a whole military base?" Scott asked.

"We won't be killed stupid," Bush answered, "We're the good guys. But if you got shot in the leg and I saved you... I could get the Medal of Honor! I could throw that right in Kerry's stupid, French-looking face."

"But I don't want to get shot in the leg," Scott whined.

"If the Vietnamese miss him," Bush said to Buck, "Could you shoot Scott in the leg so I can save him."

"I only shoot for'ners," Buck declared.

"Well... Scott is Finnish."

"No I'm not!"

* * * *

Condi and Cheney pushed their way through a crowded Vietnamese town. "Anyone seen this American president," Cheney called out, holding up a picture. "He's kinda goofy-looking... probably wearing a cowboy hat."

"May have murderous intent in his eyes," Condi added.

"I saw him!" yelled a woman, "Your stupid president killed my garden!"

"We're very sorry, ma'am," Condi replied.

"You Americas are always going around fighting evil, destroying tyranny, and killing my garden!"

"Like we said; we're sorry," Cheney stated, "So, did you see where he went?"

"He headed out into the jungle towards the Evil Commie Vietnamese Military Base."

"Dammit!" Cheney yelled, "That was the exact Evil Commie Military Base we didn't want him heading towards!"

* * * *

"Hidden with our camouflage, no one will be able to see us!" Bush declared.

"There you idiots are!" Condi exclaimed as she and Cheney walked toward Bush, Scott, and Buck. They were on a hill overlooking a military base.

"The report was a joke!" Cheney yelled, "You don't have to kill any Vietnamese soldiers to finish your National Guard duty."

Bush started to laugh. "Oh, you wacky Cheney. And to think that I almost blew up this Evil Commie Vietnamese Military Base and created an international incident."

"Almost blew it up?" Cheney asked.

"We set a bunch of explosives throughout the base," Bush explained, "but I'll just not hit the detonator."

"Uh... Bush," Scott said, "Remember that we decided to go with the timer instead of remote detonation because you thought that was more suspenseful."

"Oh yeah."

A huge explosion erupted in the center of the military base. Suddenly there was sirens wailing and shouting everywhere.

"Cheese it!"

The time to enter the contest is over, and nearly fifty pompous fools think they can actually beat me - ME! - in a battle of humor. Tomorrow, along with a new In My World™, I'll reveal which five of these arrogant people will lose to me in the final contest. See you then.

And damn your eyes!

Bah! Women... who needs them? With their emotions and feelings and how they expect you to know what they're thinking but you'd have to be complete psychotic to be on the same wavelength.

Yeah, they're just a waste of time and money. I'm so much more productive not being currently attached. Happy even. Yeah, that's the ticket. Sky is the limit for 'ole Frankie-boy with no broad weighting me down. Freedom... that's what I have.

Happy happy free Frank, that's who I am. Yeah!

Yeah.

...yeah...

Man I wish I had my HDTV back...

UPDATE: The Patriette reminded me that, in all my celebration of my freedom, I forgot about those in the military who are separated by oceans from their loved ones on this holiday (which includes a friend of mine who has just left again for Iraq and thus will be away from his wife on this occasion). We're all praying for you, and it's appropriate we reflect on this sacrifice.

Still time to enter the contest. A lot of people have signed up so far, but I don't think any women yet. What, do I intimidate all you girls that much?

Good, I should.

Anyway, Monday I will reveal who are the five people who will lose to me. Ha ha ha! My ego is unstoppable!

I don't know what everyone thinks of the gay marriage, but apparently it's quite disorienting.

I don't know if I believe all this superstition stuff, but if I smash a mirror over a hippy's head, who gets the bad luck?

UPDATE: Does it change anything if you threw the hippy into the mirror and thus never had contact with the mirror yourself (but, unfortunately, the hippy)?

And does smashing a one-way mirror only give you three and half years bad luck? And does it matter if you smash the window side or the mirror side?

Scott from The Frozen Tundra Of Minnesota asks:
If I actually remembered to sign up with Netflix through your site (thus netting you $9 and contributing to your plan to make a bajillion dollars), do I get an honorable mention in an "In My World" piece?

Why would you need any other prize that the many great DVD's you'll receive through the mail now that you're a Netflix member. I know I sure enjoy it... or at least I did when my widescreen TV was working. I better get it back today as I have Pirates of the Caribbean, Underworld, and Once a Time in Mexico waiting.

Oh, and everyone else sign up through my button for Netflix too so I get more money and you get movies. Everyone wins.

Brandon G. from Bramble, IN writes:
Help. I’ve been seeing commercials for “Parents: The Anti-Drug.” All well and good, but I’ve seen commercials for “Responsibility: The Anti-Drug.” I went to anti-drug.com in hopes of gleaning once and for all what the anti-drug of choice is, but instead, I also found “Volunteerism: The Anti-Drug,” “Talking To Your Daughter: The Anti-Drug” and “Reality: The Anti-Drug.”

Frank, I’m so confused now. With so many anti-drugs on the market, how will I know which one’s right for me?

The idea is that you need to find your own anti-drug by constantly experimenting with all sorts of different anti-drugs to see which one gives you the best anti-high.

My anti-drug is booze, BTW.

Lou Windsor asks:
When will all the Hippies die?

When we kill them, Lou. When we kill them.

Alex from Ye Olde England from:
Frank - thanks for your advice on joining the military reserve. My next question is this: I sometimes see people waving signs saying "Free Palestine!"...but where do I get my free Palestine? Does it come in a Happy Meal or something? I would ask but the people waving the signs smell funny.

Ever come to think why they're giving it away? It's because it's full of murderous Palestinians, blowing themselves up and others. Hell, I'd bet some would pay you take their Palestine off their hands. Frankly, I'd just stick to trying free cheese samples as the supermarket.

Jona G. from Higley, AZ writes:
Frank, Drudge Report just had a news article stating that only 15% of Canadians would vote for George Bush. I'm at a loss as to why this is even newsworthy. Isn't that like saying that only 15% of Mexicans would vote for Vladimir Putin? I mean, who cares? And who is this moron polling Canadians on something they will never be able to do? And why are these Canadians dumb enough to respond to these "fantasy vote" questions? I'm perplexed.

Well, Canadians are quite dumb; that's why they're not Americans. To be the most kick ass country around, we have to be a little discriminating about who can be our citizens. Now, the Canadians are upset that most Americans don't even know where they are, so they do stuff like this to say, "Hey! Pay attention to us, eh!" Don't fall for it.

If someone asks you what's up north, tell them Maine. If they ask you what's further north than that, just say barren wasteland in which no man can survive and not be inconsequential.

Mark from Olympia, Washington asks:
1. How many rocks would the Mars explorers have to photograph to justify
spending 800 million bucks on the mission?

2. If the explorers discover there was once water on Mars, what should
we do next?

1. 47

2. We should steal all the water from the Martian people despite all the hippy protests of "No Green Ooze for Water".

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Having now passed one million visitors, it's time for a brand new contest. This time there will be only one round, with the finalists selected from the entrants using a random number generator. And here is what the prizes will be:

A permalink at the top of the my main blogroll, plus a permalink within the randomized blogroll, plus a million dollars, plus a free week long ad on my Blog Ads ad space, plus an IMAO t-shirt, minus a million dollars.

And, people without blogs will be able to enter the contest as well (you can just give your permalink to whomever you want or sell it on EBay).

For the contest, the five finalists will be given a topic and then have 24 hours to each come up with a top ten list. There will be blind vote (not knowing who wrote which) on the six different top ten lists for which one is the funniest.

Wait... did I say six? But there are only five finalists, you say.

That's because the name of the game is...

Despite what was in the previous post, you should still not do crack. And I'm really really serious this time. If I see any of you kids with a crack pipe, I swear I'll strangle you on the spot.

This message was for the kids; adults can ignore.

I was starting to get bored of this primary crap, but then things got fun again.

God, I love politics. I'm going to be glued to the news channels this weekend.

UPDATE: I see all these different people trying to analyze this seriously, like fretting about having another sex scandal is going to dominate the media when this should be about serious things like war, but my only reaction upon hearing this was, "What fun! I can't wait to see the fallout of this one!" Does that make me jaded about politics or the opposite?

Anyway, for a political junkie, this is the equivalent of free crack.

I've gotten lots of neat things from my readers, but, for the first time, I've gotten free psychological advice sent in by an E. Harrington:

You are a really SICK individual, and you are suffering from at least one diagnosable psychiatric illness judging only from your writings- narcissistic personality disorder. The same disorder that Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and many serial killers such as Ted Bundy had.

This is not about politics here. It's about your mental illness.
You, sir, are a natural born killer.

An e-mail that helpful can't go without a response:

Kick ass! I've never been called a natural born killer before. I once thought of joining the Marines, but decided against it since boot camp looked hard.

Oh, and I think "This is not about politics here. It's about your mental illness." might work better as one sentence with the two thoughts separated by a semicolon. That's just a stylistic thing, so take it or leave it.

Anyway, thanks for the free psychological advice; I know that can usually cost tons of money (notice the semicolon; works well, huh?). The problem is I often get e-mails from crackpots, so - and I hope you don't take any offense - I had to check on your claim. I happen to have a DSM-IV from when I took Abnormal Psychology in college, and, lo and behold, here's entry 301.81:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

So you didn't make it up. Now, there's a list of nine symptoms, and I have to check if I fit at least five of them. Let's take a look-see:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Here's my problem: what are "commensurate achievements"? I think I've done plenty to be recognized as superior. If someone doesn't recognize me as superior from the work on my website, then he or she has to be pretty stupid.

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love

Preoccupied with fantasies? I call that having ambition.

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Well I am special; my mom told me so. And I can only be understood by other special people... those being my readers.

(4) require excessive admiration

I don't know if I require it, since I've always had admiration. But what's excessive? I mean, it's usually just people recognizing the fact that I'm superior which seems apropos.

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

People should do as I say because I'm smarter than them; that's just logical.

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Isn't that why others exist?

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Screw others; they're not me.

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

I'm not jealous of anyone... especially not that talentless Scrappleface who get more traffic than me. And why is believing others are envious of you bad when it is true? I am a comic genius; of course others are envious.

(9) show arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

The only thing is I don't see the murderousness in that disorder that you seem to imply is there. Hmm...

Anyway, while the DSM-IV loves to point out problems, it's not big on solutions. Like, let's say I do have a narcissistic personality disorder; can I take anti-narcissism pills for that? And is that enough to qualify me as insane to get away with murder?

"For killing eight people, Frank J., I sentence you to one week of therapy to make you less self-absorbed."

And does it qualify as a disability?

"I'm narcissistic; give me free money!"

That's what I need to know E. Harrington. Anymore psychological advice would be appreciated, you lowly maggot who is beneath my contempt (that's the narcissism talking, so ignore that).

Cordially,
Frank J.

So, do I seem narcissistic to you guys? (say no or I'll murder you)

Extreme Tracker has my unique visitor count over a million. Now it has tracked visitors since August 1st, 2002, but I started blogging on July 9th, 2002, to get the actual number of unqiue visitors I've had, take the number from the Extreme Tracker and add seven.

Anyway, my special surprise for passing a million visitors will be detailed sometime tomorrow.

I had the group critique for my novel The Last American, and I'm just lucky we meet over AIM instead of in person because that kept them from beating me over the head with chairs. Well, the reason I joined was to get some honest opinions, and it looks like I'm stating over again on that book. But I will be the greatest novelist ever one day; this I swear!

I also need to set aside some time and compile what I've written for my non-fiction, scientifical analysis of the left book (I've shown you a few chapters in progress from that). Someone needs to scrutinize those Michael Moores, Al Frankens, and Noam Chomskys out there, and who better than me to handle it with the gravity it requires? (Answer: no one)

Next, I need to look into becoming a columnist to show up those good-for-nothings Dave Barry and Jonah Goldberg. Anyone know of a good resource on how one achieves the honorable status of columnist? I've seen what they put on the NYT editorial page, so it can't be that hard.

BTW, got the juiciest hate mail this morning… so good I need some prep to respond so I'll show you it tomorrow.

Also, I should pass one million unique visitors by my Extreme Tracker count either tonight or tomorrow morning. I have something special in plan for celebration...

Since it looks like John Kerry has a lock on the Democrat nomination, being the uber-partisan I am (hell, I'd vote for a retarded mule if it had an 'R' next to its name and said it would cut my taxes) I've set my crack research staff out to find the dirt on the haughty, French-looking Senator who - by the way - served in Vietnam. Here's what they got:

FUN FACTS ABOUT JOHN KERRY

* In his campaign, Kerry is planning on relying on his wife's ketchup money. That's a lot like blood money, but more tomato based.

* Kerry has enough botulism in his face to wipe out a small African village.

* Kerry wants people to know that he is a friend of the common man... he just doesn't want to talk to any of them, see any of them, have any in his country club, or even be near any of them unless they have lots of special interest campaign contributions.

* John Kerry's hair is the source of his important lookingness. If you shaved off his hair, he would no longer look important.

* Like George Bush, John Kerry was a member of the secret Skull and Bones society at Yale. They will actually determine who will be president, and this whole election is just for our entertainment.

* The Vietnam war was going great and was extremely popular in the U.S.... until Kerry joined in.

* Sometimes Kerry has simultaneous flashbacks to fighting in Vietnam and being a Vietnam War protestor, causing him to spit on himself.

* Kerry knows for a fact from Vietnam that eating the heart of your defeated enemy will not gain you his non-French-lookingness.

* Some hippies had called Kerry a “baby-killer” when he returned from Vietnam, but, in reality, he wussed out and ran away when caught in a baby knife fight.

* Though he likes to tout his Vietnam record now (he was in Vietnam, you know), he was also involved in the same protest group as Jane "Why in God's Name Wasn't She Hung as a Traitor" Fonda.

* Jane Fonda was married to Ted Turner who is a total jackass. That has nothing to do with John Kerry, but it's worth saying.

* If you are in the military and Kerry drops by your place, hide your medals. Apparently he likes to throw other people's medals.

* Senator John Kerry has a more liberal voting record than Senator Ted Kennedy, which people used to think was scientifically impossible since the way to judge how liberal one's voting record is was to see how close it is to Ted Kennedy's.

* Wait, who was I zinging there? John Kerry or Ted Kennedy? Hell, they both deserve it.

* John Kerry is so liberal...

How liberal is he?

He's so liberal, that he thinks minors should be able to get abortions without even their own consent.

* In a fight between John Kerry and Aquaman, I'm not sure who'd win, but the battle would involve a lot of effeminate slapping.

* Some say Kerry looks like Lurch from the Addams Family, but that's not fair; Lurch is not French.

* Kerry comes from the most evil/liberal state in the union: Massachusetts. Some say Hitler was born there.

* According to sources, Kerry's name rhymes with "fairy". I'm not saying to call him John "Fairy"; I'm just putting that information out there.

* Kucinich rhymes with spinach... but I'm not sure what to do with that.

* Oh, wait:

Vote for Dennis Kucinich
'Cause he eats his spinach.
He's Kucinich the crazy man. (toot) (toot)

* Back to John Kerry, according to lots of anecdotal information, he loves to play the "Do you know who I am?" card. If he does that to you, the best response is to say, "Yeah, you're the guy I'm going to punch in the nads," and then punch him in the nads. If he complains, hey, he asked.

* The last guy from Massachusetts who ran against a George Bush for the presidency of the United States lost. That's precedent for you!

Current polls actually have Bush behind Kerry in a national match-up. Then again, Mondale led Reagan in the polls early on, so that doesn't mean too much. Still, it would be great if Bush started to raise his popularity, and I have some suggestions how.

TOP TEN WAYS BUSH CAN RAISE HIS POPULARITY

10. Use funky new remixed version of "Hail to the Chief" when entering a room.

9. Rescue kids from a burning orphanage. It may take a number or tries for Bush to get the rescue right, but there are plenty of orphanages and they are all surprisingly flammable.

8. To quickly create millions of new jobs, murder Canadians and steal theirs.

7. Have Bush hunt down Osama and then defeat him in brutal kung fu fight while cameras are recording the action. Could also be used for fund raising if it's pay-per-view.

6. Dismiss questions about Bush war record by having him use a fighter jet to destroy a strategic military target - such as the Kennedy Compound.

5. Use phony approval rating poll to hunt down and kill anyone who disapproves of him.

4. People love juggling, and people love puppies - so juggle puppies!

3. He could burn down the IRS headquarters while on national T.V. leading us in the song, "Kumbaya."

2. Same as previous, but replace song with "Welcome to the Jungle."

And the number one way Bush can raise his popularity...

Finally find some WMD's in Iraq and totally rub the world's faces in it.

Is society not giving you what you think it owes you?

Then it's time to get yourself the IMAO Race Card™!

Yes, you've heard of the Race Card™, but now, exclusively from IMAO, you can own one yourself. It's like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, but much much more.

Losing an argument in a debate?

Throw down your Race Card™ and quickly hush your opponent.

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Throw down your Race Card™ and see people rush to accommodate you.

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Throw down your Race Card™ and VP is as good as yours.

Remember: If it can't be solved by racial animosity, then it can't be solved.

So get yourself the IMAO Race Card™ - The card that trumps them all!

No guarantees on effectiveness of the Race Card™, especially if who you're playing it against someone who also has a Race Card™. IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible for any rioting that may break out over misuse of the Race Card™. If using the Race Card™ causes abdominal cramps that last for more than a day, consult a doctor.

Democratic Underground has finally discovered the uncannily accurate parody I did of them. Then they say mean things about us and some mysterious group known to them as the "Freepers". Boo. I'd go tell them what I think of that, but then I'd be banned (I just like spreading wacky conspiracy theories on their board and seeing who bites too much to risk being banned).

And could someone please explain to me where the insult "mouthbreathers" comes from?

UPDATE: A poster to DU has realized the DU moderators can't censure any of this thread lest they prove me correct. Thus, the DU'ers are now free to say what they want within the thread, and IMAO has brought freedom of speech to a despotic regime. All hail IMAO and Frank J., benevolent ruler of the internet.

UPDATE 2: One of the DU'ers attempts a Hannity and Colmes parody, giving me, the humor expert, a good example of how to do a good satire and a poor satire. The reason the DU parody resonated with so many people is because the posts (excepts where I had some fun at the end) were just slight exagerations of posts commonly seen on DU (the poster who thinks everything is a properly timed Karl Rove conspiracy, the poster who thinks they're all doomed because Bush will rig the election and do anything to win, the poster who thinks every new quasi-scandal is the one that will finally sink Bush, etc.). In the Hannity and Colmes parody, on the other hand, the person starts with a fantasy setting: a bunch of conservative guests ganging up one liberal guest. Anyone who has actually watched the show, though, knows they either have one guest or a conservative/liberal pairing. A good satire of Hannity and Colmes would start with a regular setting - two guest, one conservative and one liberal - and then focus on Hannity interrupting and talking over everyone, including the conservative guest. I don't know how Colmes puts up with that guy. I'd regale you with such a parody, but I need to go to martial arts now and throw people.

NOTE: I consider "good satire" hard to do, and a lot (if not most) of my humor on this site would not fall under that definition... but that's a discussion for another day.

I'm still doing a trial run of In My World™ sponsorship. If you want to sponsor the next IMW, just e-mail me with the subject "SPONSORSHIP" and what you'd like your ad to say. Cost is $5 (cheap) through paypal.

That is all.

THIS EPISODE OF IN MY WORLD IS SPONSORED BY: Camille of IMFO
Camille - The funniest stupid woman I know

* * * *

"Hey, Sharon! What are you up to?" Bush asked, Condoleezza Rice following close behind him.

"It's SHARE-OWN," Ariel Sharon corrected, "and I'm overseeing the construction of a wall to keep those damn Palestinians out."

Bush looked at wall. "Nice solid construction you got there. Anyway, did you see me on Meet the Press? I was about to tell Potato, 'Hey! Meet this press!' and then punch him in the face. Potato is what I call Tim Russert, since his name is close to ‘russet’ which is a type of potato. It's kinda like how I sometimes call you 'Little Mermaid' since your first name is Ariel just like the Little Mermaid Ariel from the movie The Little Mermaid. Did you know that if her friend Flounder really was a flounder, he would have both eyes on one side of his head? I found that out when..."

"Don't you have some important things to do back in America?" Sharon asked with annoyance.

"Nah," Bush answered, "I have smart people watching things back there."

* * * *

"I don't trust Guam," Rumsfeld uttered, "Let's bomb them."

"But they're a U.S. territory," Colin Powell said.

"Well, we'll see how loyal they are based on whether they fight back or not!"

* * * *

"So how is the wall working?" Bush asked.

Suddenly they heard voices on the other side of the wall. "Hey! There's a wall here! How are we going to blow up the Joooos?"

"We'll never push them into the sea at this rate."

"Maybe we could blow up the wall."

"To martyrdom!"

There was an explosion, followed by a head landing near Bush's feet. Sharon picked it up and tossed it back over. "I wish they would stop dropping their heads on our side of the wall," he said angrily.

"It's just not right that people want to kill you all because you are Jewish," Bush said, "I have some Jews in my cabinet, and they're fine people. Take Condi for example."

"I'm not Jewish," she said.

"Oh yeah; you're black," Bush stated, "I get those two confused."

"This wall would keep us safe, but those damned Palestinians are protesting it," Sharon said, shaking his fist in the air.

"Maybe I could go and talk to Arafat and convince him the wall is a great idea," Bush offered.

"Mr. President," Condi stated, "It's U.S. policy that we don't have talks with Arafat."

"Why? Because he smells?" Bush inquired.

"No, it's because - well, yes he does smell, but that's not the reason," Condi answered, "We don't talk to him because of his uncompromising ties to terrorism."

"Bah! Rules are for people who aren't president of the most powerful nation in the world," Bush declared, "Now find me a long stick so I can pole vault over this wall!"

* * * *

"With that wall in the way, we'll never be able to push all the Jooos into the sea!" Arafat shouted angrily.

"Maybe we can set our sights lower," said one of his advisors, "and just push the Jews into a lake."

Everyone in the room pulled out AK-47's and shot the advisor.

"No compromises!" Arafat yelled, "Jews most go in the sea!"

"The imperialist American president and his warmongering harlot are here to see you," said Arafat's secretary over the intercom.

"Let them in," Arafat answered.

As Bush and Condi entered his office, Arafat started cleaning his Nobel Peace Prize with a baby wipe.

"Wow!" Bush exclaimed, "That's a prestigious award you have there!"

"It was prestigious," Arafat uttered, "until they gave one to Carter."

"Anyway, I heard some fireworks up here."

"We were just killing a Jew-Not-Hater-Enougher," Arafat said, pointing to the dead advisor.

"I guess that happens," Bush said, "Anyway, I'm here to tell you that the fence Sharon is building is a peachy-keen idea."

"The wall must go!" Arafat yelled, "And I have the international community on my side."

"Their opinion don't mean squat!" Bush stated dismissively.

"We'll see about that," said a voice behind Bush.

Bush turned to see a number of men in uniform. "Who are you?"

"We are the international police," said one of the men, "and this matter will be settledat... the Hague!"

"What another fine mess you've gotten us into," Condi grumbled.

* * * *

"What are we gonna do! What are we gonna do!" Bush yelled, “Game over, man! Game over!”

"First of all, stop panicking," Condi told him.

"But I don't even know what country I'm in!" he exclaimed, "What in God's name is the Hague? If I lose this trial, are they going to put me in the phantom zone and send me spiraling through space in a mirror like thing like the Kyrptonians did to the bad guys in Superman II?"

Condi rolled her eyes. "Yes. That's exactly what's going to happen."

"Oh no! My horoscope was right!"

"Could you be quiet!" Sharon yelled, "I'm the one at risk here! No one is trying to push you into the sea!"

"I call this trial to order!" said the judge of the Hague, "Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is charged with high crime of illegal fence buildery and being a Jew where he's not wanted. President George Bush is charged with accessory to being a Jew. How do you plead?"

"Whatever is the opposite of guilty," Bush answered.

"Now, we could settle this quickly," the judge said, "If Sharon would compromise... perhaps allowing the Palestinians to push half the Jews in Israel into the sea."

"No Jews in the sea!" Sharon shouted, "Except when on luxury cruises!"

"Then the trial will commence," the judge said ominously, "You may make your opening statement... not that will do you any good! Muh ha ha ha!"

Sharon was about to speak, but Bush interrupted. "I'll talk for you," he said, "I'm good at... uh... Hey, Condi, what's it called when you speak?"

Condi sighed. "Speaking."

"I'm good at what she said," Bush assured Sharon. With a groan, Sharon buried his head in his arms.

"Peaceful Hagians, please hear me out," Bush said, "It is right and proper that the Israelis have a wall to protect them. We understand the rage of the Palestinians. They are very poor, they have a despotic leader, they're culturally backwards, they've developed no successful coffee franchises, and their penises are very small. But that does not excuse murdering Jew-people! That's why the Israelis need the wall to allow them peace and to allow the Palestinians to go back their age-old custom of just killing each other. Thank you."

Suddenly explosions went off throughout the building killing everyone except Bush, Condi, and Sharon. "Not the best reaction to a speech I've ever had," Bush remarked. He then noticed Sharon looking upon the carnage with a devilish grin. "Hey! Did you have a Zionist conspiracy plant bombs to kill everyone at the Hague except for us?"

"A Zionist conspiracy!" Sharon exclaimed with poorly acted innocence, "What in the world are you talking about?" He then winked at Bush.

"You rascally Sharon!" Bush said chuckling. He then laughed for a few seconds more. "Killing everyone at the Hague is funny."

I've just finished updating my random quote generator so that it now has everything up until the end of March 2003. As I look at my old stuff, I can't help but exclaim, "Hot damn! I am a comic genius!" And I just keep getting even more geniuser.

If you want to add IMAO quotes to your website and thus make it funnier, put this in your mainpage template:

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://imao.us/docs/quotes.txt"></script>

Dave Barry isn't allowed to add it, as I don't want anymore people visiting his site. (Damn; then why'd I just hyperlink him?)

Ugh.

Man, what's it take to become a columnist these days? I could write better than that while suffering from an open head wound. I should sue her for bringing down the property value of my genre.

Anyway, the real deal will be showing up again tomorrow morning.

(Thanks to Veeshir for pointing me to that heresy.)

I also don't like cats.

Here's the response I got to my earlier hate mail:

Frank --

Not only that, but soon I will find out where you live and come to your
house and EAT YOUR FOOD AND DRINK YOUR BEER HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sincerely,

Dave "Wal-Mart" Barry

power-crazed giant humor conglomerate

I guess I need to work on my intimidation skills. I'm going to go sit on my couch and stare at the wall where my T.V. was.

I thought I got them all...

...just not today. I was going to make a Know Thy Enemy™ list about John Kerry like the good partisan I am, but it wasn't coming together quick enough. I'll hit it later. I also have a special project in the works - more on that soon.

Anyway, here's some neat reading. Sasha Volokh sure likes to be controversial. I'm not sure how much of that I agree with it, but he makes some good points.

And make sure to check out each of my advertisers. Life, Liberty, Etc. has losts of cool t-shirts and other conservative merchandise. 123 CCTV has some wacky-cool survielance equipment including hidden cameras. Finally, if your punk ass needs some debt consolidation (admit it; you're out of control!) check out Debt Consolidation Connection. It's your duty as an IMAO reader to check out each of my advertisers at least one.

Dave Barry thinks he's so great because he's a syndicated columnists and everyone respects him. Well – peh - I spit at him. Humor in the blogosphere belongs to me! Methinks it's time to bury Barry.

HATE MAIL!

Originally, he didn't even have an e-mail when he started up, which hindered any hate mail efforts as it had been so long since I wrote a regular letter than I couldn't even remember how to do a hyperlink on one. Now he has an e-mail, though, so it's time for a whup'n.

To: daveblogger@hotmail.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: This is my turf!

Who the hell do you think you are? Couldn't just stick to writing your silly column each week and pointing out what would make a good name for a rock band, could you? No, you had to venture into the blogosphere... my world! I make the funny here, not you! You have it in your head that just because you're a celebrity you can write a couple of sentences in your blog each day and get more than twice my traffic, and... well... I guess that's exactly what you did.

Well it ain't right!

The blogosphere is for nobodies like me, and you've just crossed the biggest nobody around! I put a lot of work into my humor, and I'm not going to be encroached by someone who writes five words a day. Just to show you, I'm going to start writing one-sentence columns and get them published in twice as many newspapers as you are in. Then you'll know what it feels like!

BTW, how do you become a columnist? So far my only attempt at it has been sending e-mails to bother important people.

You're going down, muchacho!

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. How hard is it to reach a gray market to replace the low-flow toilets in my house? I'm in Florida like you, so it's a little hard for me to get to Canada. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Let's see him make a rock band name out of any of that!

I haven't done this in a while, but I am a humor expert (prove I'm not), and it's fun to do a little navel-gazing every so often.

There was a radio ad for Steven Wright who is appearing at a local auditorium. If you don't know Steven Wright, he's a comedian who speaks in a monotone, bored voice and makes a number of funny statements instead of doing a coherent routine. One of the sound clips in the radio ad was of this joke of his: "Do you think when George Washington was asked for ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?" Now, you could replace "quarter" with "dollar" and the joke would still work, but why is quarter funnier?

Also, I remember when Seinfeld was on SNL and had a little joke about 7-11 in which he said, "What's the deal with the Big Gulp? Does anyone really need that much Mountain Dew?" (it’s funnier if you say it out loud trying to imitate his voice). Why would that joke be less funny with Coke or Pepsi as the beverage? Can you name another soda that would be as funny or funnier in that statement?

Finally, I have Futurama on DVD and was listening to the commentaries. They always used the word "underpants" instead of "underwear" as one writer was convinced that "the word underpants is twenty percent funnier than underwear." Is he right or wrong? Why?

I have my answers to each of those questions, but I want to hear what you think. So discuss amongst yourselves.

DISCUSS!

UPDATE: Here are my (and thus the correct) answers to the questions:

I ended up in a Fark photoshopping contest (here is a link to the image). I guess when you put out a bunch of photos of yourself expressing a number of different emotions, you're just asking for it.

Thanks to reader Lou Ciletti for pointing me to this.

Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California writes:
I just saw an episode of Kim Possible where a super villain trains monkey ninjas. The monkey ninjas live through the episode. My question is do you know a good brand of sleeping pills?

Yes, but they're prescription only. I recommend whiskey. Just like my dad always told me: "Through the most troubling times, whiskey will never let you down, son. Now it’s time for your daily beating!"

Jason from Binghamton writes:
I was using my parents computer this weekend. They have a blocker through their ISP that keeps you from being able to look at porn. It also keeps me from viewing IMAO. Is this a conspiracy against you?

Yes, absolutely. Most people would immediately blame a Zionists conspiracy for anything, but I think this is the work of the Illuminati, a secret, evil organization that your parents are probably part of. My opinion is that you should shut up and mention this no more, as you will be disappeared. Then again, you're not able to read this advice, so do what you want.

Phil from Phoenix writes:
I recently attended a conference where they talked about approaching problem-solving by the use of algorithms. Is this method named after Al Gore? Did he invent it like he did the Internet?

Webster’s dictionary says the word originated in 825 A.D. Thus, if it were named after Al Gore, that would mean Al Gore is an ancient, evil robot created by aliens... just as I always suspected.

Anyway, I would avoid algorithms. Me, I love heuristics. It's a lot like bullsh*ing, but more scientifical.

MAJ Mike asks:
When will there be Chomps t-shirt? My students would be soooo jealous.

There are a number of points here. First, if you want more t-shirts from IMAO, you have to buy my current one to prove I have power to move merchandise. Secondly, Chomps was inspired mainly by Emperor Misha I's logo, and I'm afraid any t-shirt would look too much like it. Finally, a t-shirt depicting Chomps totally freaking out and getting angry would take so powerful a printing that wardrobe malfunctions would be likely, and I don’t know if Doug from ThoseShirts.com has the insurance for that.

Bobo from the Atlanta Zoo
Do you separate Monkeys and Apes in your blatant discrimination of the Simian Race? Or do you discriminate against them equally?

I don't buy this monkey/ape distinction; they're all just monkeys to me. You hear that, Bobo? You're a dead monkey... dead! I'm going to use you to help coin a new phrase: "As fun as shooting monkeys in a barrel."

Jay from Brooklyn writes:
I have heard a lot about "The arab street" lately. Do you know where the arab street is? If so, what is the actual name of that street? I'm guessing it's something spelled with a "Q" instead of with a K or C. That is so obnoxious.

You're probably right about it having some wacky 'Q' in it, but I honestly don't know the name of the Arab Street, and, if I did, I probably would not be able to pronounce it. My guess, though, is that the Arab Street is somewhere in Saudi Arabia and you'll easily be able to identify it by a big sign that says "Caution: Stampedes".

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

I just suddenly got a number of e-mails saying I'm signed up for a bunch of newsletters of a left-leaning nature (he/she used "Frank James" as my name). If someone has a problem with me, be man/woman enough to face me. I'll meet you after school behind the gym. I may or may not have a gun.

A co-worker of mine says he saw this on a t-shirt, and, being that a lot of what I do is digital engineer (not here, obviously), I found it pretty funny:

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

If you can't count to thirty-two on one hand, you probably won't get this.

UPDATE: Here's the link to that t-shirt. Wait a second; why am I linking to other t-shirts? Don't be a geek; but my t-shirt.

Also, in the same vein (vain? vane?), here's another geek t-shirt I think I remember once hearing about:

100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, FF bottles of beer on the wall...

I don't think there is a single blog out there I read that hasn't at least once linked to Democratic Underground's Forum. The place is like a train wreck of human thought; you just can't help but gawk at their twisted logic and wild-eyed conspiracy theories. I've even ended up becoming addicted to the site; anytime there is breaking news, I think, "I wonder what the nuts are saying about this," and head straight for DU. It’s like a daily freak show. Yet, I've begun to tire of it, and I realized why. In the end, it's really just the same thing over and over. After careful analysis (two minutes thought), I think I broke down all the variance of opinion you'll ever see on DU and put into one imitated thread. They will often go on longer than this, but then it's a lot of the same posts being made over and over by other people.

Well, without further ado, here is the...

UNIVERSAL DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND THREAD

Last week, I listed how Bush could lose reelection. Now, here's how the Democrats can win.

TOP TEN WAYS THE DEMOCRATS CAN ENSURE VICTORY IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

10. So as not to scare moderates, lock all the extreme wacko leftists in an underground cavern feeding them nothing but sardine heads and anti-Bush rhetoric until Election Day.

9. Though I'm pretty sure Satan is a registered independent, you could win the favor of his evil power by sacrificing a goat in his honor or sending him a fruit basket.

8. Gain even more potential Democrat voters by making sure that convicted felons, the criminally insane, dead people, and feces-throwing monkeys have the right to vote.

7. Don't fall for the temptation to look tough on terrorists as that will make you lose the important "Death to America!" vote.

6. Get lots of free publicity by having attractive, female staffers have "wardrobe malfunctions" during rallies.

5. If presidential candidate had served in Vietnam, make sure to mention it.

4. Texas has a large number of electoral votes certain to go to Bush. As Janet Reno demonstrated, it's quite flammable, and "accidents" happen.

3. Say that, if the Democrat wins, a large number of puppies will be given to orphans, but, if the Democrat loses, the puppies will be drowned while the orphans are forced to watch.

2. Use the White Zombie song "More Human than Human" in campaign commercials. That song totally rocks.

And the number one way Democrats can ensure victory in the presidential election...

Run for president in some other country, you g'damn pinkos.

UPDATE: I had some good ones I forgot about.

* Use more catchy, rhyming slogans such as "Bush lied; people died". One idea is, "If you're a crack addict, vote Democratic". Or just update the old favorite: "Bush misled; people dead!"

* Use more advanced AI on voting machines so that they know that improperly punching a ballot or just staring at the voting machine and drooling are meant to be votes for the Democrat.

Harvey of Bad Money uses time manipulation to find out what the world would be like if Glenn Reynolds were never evil and I'm the ruling blogger. Sounds like a utopia to me.

I'm serious; don't smoke crack.

This message was for the kids; adults can ignore.

* More primaries today. If you're a Democrat, go and vote. If you're a Republican, go and beat up a Democrat in practice for the general election. Also, maybe we could work on some more confusing ballots to replace the butterfly one. I’m thinking it should involve some sort of word puzzle.

* Zeke came riding into camp, a look of terror on his face. "Get out of here!" he shouted, "It's a stampede!"

"Dammit!" Richards yelled as he ran for his horse. "I knew Clemens couldn't keep control of them."

"Well, there ain't no stopping them now," Zeke said, "When you have a Muslim stampede, the only thing to do is get out of the way. They even crushed ole Yellar, Clemens best Muslim herding dog."

Soon they saw the fearsome sight of thousands of men in white robes and women covered head to toe who were charging forward while ululating, running over everything in their path as if fleeing from the devil himself. Everyone not looking for a martyrship ran for cover.

* Okay, maybe with the number of people killed, it's not proper to make fun. Also, though it's easy to point out how stupid a culture is that has deadly stampedes every year, I hardly seem in a position to throw stones when, in this country, we have people doing dumb things like rioting after a Super Bowl win. Then again, at least when I throw stones I don't stampede.

* Instapundit finally got Blog Ads, just as I reccommended to him. I'll wait here patiently for my ten percent commission.

Since he's asking $800 a month for an ad, maybe he shouldn't take my advice and spend it all on beer.

* I love the Justin Timberlake explanation of the Super Bowl halftime fiasco: it was a "wardrobe malfunction." I'll have to remember that one.

"Were you watching strippers?"

"Honest, honey, they weren't strippers! They just had a wardrobe malfunction!"

* I'm the seven of hearts on the deck of cards of most dangerous right wing bloggers. Misha sure beat me out, though, making the ace of clubs. Then again, seven is the holy number, and many do say I'm god-like.

* Have you seen the Alabama quarter? They have Helen Keller on it, i.e., the best person they could think of to represent Alabama is someone who is deaf, dumb, and blind (BTW, what time period is Helen Keller from? I mean, is she dead now, and, if so, how would she know?).

So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it.

* Man, there was supposed to be a real special guest talking to my writers group yesterday but we got stood up. Well, next week will be the group critiquing of my novel, and it will be good to get some opinions from people who aren't fans of my website. Maybe afterwards, I'll put up some of the novel for whoever is interested to see it again (it's been changed a bit from last time).

Anyway, here's a neat blog from someone working for Tor with a post on rejection letters. I've yet to get one yet, but I'm already planning my hissy fit.

* Well, I'm tired and got no more time for blogging. BTW, if you were sending ricin to Senator Frist, please stop it. Thank you.

Luckily my beer survived the power outage. Unluckily, the guy who picks up TV's for the local repairatorium threw out his back, so I don't know when I'll get my TV serviced. It is inevitable that the one T.V. show I watch during the week, 24, will have to be viewed on the square screen. Woe is me.

Some may think it's petty for me to worry about my widescreen TV when there is so much suffering in the world, but I could have more empathy for that suffering if I were able to see it in HD - which won't happen until my TV is repaired.

Anyhoo, as reported by Right Wing News, I am now one of the top 100,000 websites. Strangely, my enemy Wizbang outranked me. According to this graph, he almost reached the top 10,000 sites in ranking in December. How did that happen? What devil did he sell his soul to? Skullduggery is afoot, I say.

THIS EPSIODE OF IN MY WORLD™ IS SPONSORED BY: Quibbles 'n Bits
Yes, that's Quibbles 'n Bits, the first blog to pay to sponsor an In My World™.
(okay, the tagline is something else, but I thought mine is catchier)

* * * *

Deep within the depths of his campaign headquarters, John Kerry plotted his attack with Terry McAuliffe at his side. "You sure have a lot of people working here," Terry observed, watching the everyone scurry about the cavern hideaway.

"Bah!" Kerry answered, "They are all just tasked with making my hair look important." Kerry looked in the mirror. "Not important enough! I served in Vietnam!"

Everyone ran to work on Kerry's hair. "Better," he finally uttered.

"So what do you have me here for?" Terry asked.

"I want you to witness exactly what my wife's ketchup money can buy," Kerry answered as he took out a metal case and set it on a table. He opened it, and inside was a vial of glowing, green ooze. "This is Uber-Botox. Not only will it tighten my face until I look as young as I was when I served in Vietnam, it will also give me super-strength!"

Terry looked on in horror. "You're mad! Mad, I tell you! Mad! ...which, incidentally, our polling tells us is what the average Democrat voter is looking for."

Kerry injected the fluid into his face. Immediately his haggard appearance tightened away. "I can feel the strength within me!" he shouted. "Now I will gain all the hate Bush vote by pummeling the president into submission. Muh ha ha ha!" Kerry then punched straight through a rock wall.

"Wow!" Terry exclaimed, "I wish I had super powers... I mean other than my ability to secrete slime through my skin."

* * * *

"Man, I can't believe I lost all my money to Cheney on a Super Bowl bet," Bush complained to Secret Service Agent Smith who was driving his limo. "I guess, in hindsight, I should have bet on a team who was playing in the Super Bowl... but I really like the Cowboys! You know what I mean?"

"New regulations say I'm supposed to nod quietly to whatever you say, which I am doing now," Agent Smith answered while nodding.

"When are we getting to that fundraiser? I'm bored," Bush proclaimed. He then picked up the phone. "Hey! Mom! Guess where I'm calling you from? ...That's right, a limo! ...Really, this is the 138th time I've done this? ...You there, mom? You there? ...Must have lost the connection." He dialed another number. "Hey, Iraq, you a democracy yet? ...No? Well, have you found any WMD's? ...No? Well, I'll check again in an hour. By the way, guess where I'm calling from!" Suddenly the car stopped. "What's happened?"

"There appears to be a French looking person blocking the road," Agent Smith answered.

"Well run him down!" Bush yelled, "I'm the president!"

Suddenly there was a thud on the limo's roof.

"He seems to have jumped on top of us, sir," Agent Smith said.

Then the roof was ripped open. "Ahh!" Bush screamed, "It's John Kerry, the haughty, French-looking senator from Massachusetts who - by the way - served in Vietnam and has a face filled with a genetically altered strain of botulism! Quick, Smith, do something!"

"Hey, I stay out of politics," Agent Smith said as he exited the car.

"I may be John Kerry, the haughty, French-looking senator from Massachusetts who - by the way - served in Vietnam," Kerry said as he stared down at Bush, "but you can know me as... Botoxulon!" He then grabbed Bush and threw him out of the car.

"Oh that's it," Bush said, picking himself up from the ground and producing a cowboy hat from under his suit jacket. "I'm not going to be the first ever Texan to lose a fight to someone from Taxachusetts." He then charged Kerry, landing a number of punches on his face. Kerry just stood there laughing.

"Ha! With all the Botox in it, my face is unmovable." Kerry then struck Bush, sending him flying backwards against a brick wall.

"Ow!" Bush whined as he slowly got back up. "Guess I better use some strategery." Kerry charged Bush, but Bush dodged out of the way as he took out a spray and used it on Kerry's face.

"Ha!" Kerry mocked, "You think mace will have any effect on me?"

"It's not mace," Bush answered, "It's an anti-bacterial spray. I've always carried it on me since I learned diplomacy means I sometimes have to shake hands with French people."

"My botulism!" Kerry exclaimed, clutching his face. "It's melting! It's melting! My haggard appearance is coming back! What a world! What a world!" Kerry then ran off. “I served in Vietnam!”

Bush rubbed his sore back. "Man, it's just the primaries right now," he complained, "I'm not looking forward to when it gets near the general election."

Agent Smith then walked towards him as he ate a sandwich. "Where have you been?" Bush demanded.

"I got a sandwich from the nearby deli."

"Well, did you get me one?"

"You didn't say you wanted one." Agent Smith took another bite of his sandwich.

"Well I was in a fight for my life!" Bush yelled.

Agent Smith rolled his eyes. "So I'm supposed to assume that every time you're in a life and death battle, you want a sandwich?"

Bush thought about that for a moment. "Yes," he finally answered, "and on white bread."

Agent Smith grumbled as he pulled out a notepad. "I didn't sign up for this."

It's so square. And, instead of the sound being all around me, it's just in front of me. I guess I could have gone seen it with friends, but I'm more in the mood to wallow in my own sorrow right now.

Oh yeah, and I ripped my hakama in aikido and needed to fix that.

Wallowing in my sorrow and sewing; that's what I'm doing.

Hey, one of the teams finally scored. Good for that team.

Hey, I could hook my DVD player to the T.V. in my bedroom and finish that movie, but then it wouldn't be progressive scan and half the screen would be black bars. That sounds wrong.

I was tyring to watch a movie I got from Netflix lastnight and then power goes out for hours. I end up reading Return of the King by candlelight and then going to bed (BTW, whoever did the book adapatation of that movie sure took some liberties).

So I get up this morning, power is back, so I go to finish my movie. I turn on the widescreen, rear-projeciton T.V., it clicks on as usual, and... nothing! No picture. No informing whether it's on component 1 or component 2. No anything. Only nothing. Nothing! NOTHING!

AHHHH! My precious!

What do I do! I tried hitting it - no good. Anyone have any ideases? Or know how much the repairses are going to cost me...

(grumble grumble... not more nasty billses)

My mind will not be at ease until my T.V. is working again.

UPDATE: Here's a less technical problem maybe someone could help me with. When the power went out, I went to my car to fetch the MagLite I keep in there only to find the D batteries had melted inside it (guess I should have checked on it more often). I've tried using a flathead screwdriver to pry those batteries out and asess the damage, but to no avail. Anyone know a good way to get out melted batteries?

At least the dead batteries still give it a balanced weight for a whomp'n.