Breaking News! Trussville, Alabama - They Bathe!

When I was growing up, Trussville was considered the sticks, full of trailer parks and rednecks.

But with urban sprawl, and suburban creep, and the general flight of anyone with the money to move out of Birmingham, it has become one of the cluster of semi-attached bedroom communities for the greater Birmingham metroplex. Rumor has it that there are almost as many homes without wheels as with. Amazing.

Yes, progress has come to Trussville (and no, unlike the name implies, you are not stopped at the city limits and checked to see if you are wearing a mandatory truss).

Noticed it the other day. They have their very own Bed, Bath and Beyond now. Upon noticing this, and expressing my surprise, a local friend of mine pointed out to me, in his sage manner - 'well, you know, they do bathe in Trussville, on occaision. And they sometimes go to bed. Usually pretty early, from what I'm told.'

So. There you have it. I'll have to confirm all of this with an actual Trussville resident.

Investigative blogging, a BI core value, since all of about 10 minutes ago.

Well of course they credit him with X-men

Because everybody knows that Picard has an artificial ticker. Sheesh, I mean, c'mon, folks.

The Anarchists

I was just listening to NPR and heard a piece on protestors who are planning to embarrass themselves during the RNC. It was, arguably, the funniest thing I’d ever heard.

The anarchists plan to protest. The only problem is they can’t come to a consensus on anything other than being anarchists. Since no one is in charge of the planning meetings, they go and on for hours. I find this amusing because they’ve accomplished their goal. Their meetings are anarchy. It’s even better because they all realize this. And they’re undaunted by it.

The Butt-nut on NPR asked one of them, “How do you all plan to get on the same page for the protest?”

“I don’t know,” replied a half-wit, “We’re anarchists.”

I used to think I was lucky to be where I am in life, because I never thought that I was particularly bright. I guess it’s a sliding scale.

Bill Explains The Whole Swift Boat Thing

I haven't really written much about the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth thing because while the mainstream media is just starting to report it (biasly), bloggers have been all over it. But for many of my politically unsavvy readers, or "retards" as I like to call them, following this long and complicated story has proven too time-consuming as well as complicated. So here is the full story as I understand it.

Back in 1969, an overly ambitious, pompous jackass, who had a former president's initials, went to Vietnam, which is in Asia somewhere. While there, he lieutenanted a "swift boat" which is like a regular boat but with guns and stuff on it. This Lt. got some medals which were very controversial because many people who served with this Lt. think he lied to get them. He has even admitted this recently. He also said he went to Cambodia which is also in Asia, except I don't think its a real country. Much like Canada isn't a real country. This was also proven false. The Lt. spent four months in Vietnam and then got sent home because he got his quota of fake medals which is apparently, according to the Code of Military Conduct, 3.

So home the Lt. went, where he was greeted by Jane and Peter Fonda, as well as Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson and many other hippie-type people who were against the war. The Lt. having no job, immediately formed Vietnam Veterans Against the War (VVAW) so hippie groups would give him money. He testified before the Senate and said his Band of Brothers were a bunch of murdering lunatics as well as many other mean things that weren't very nice. They also weren't true. The young former Lt. at a very early age had a problem with the truth but he had pretty cool hair so it didn't matter.

Around the time the Lt. was starting VVAW, another veteran, John O'Neil, started a group called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (SBVFT). Naturally these two groups didn't get along and they had a fierce argument one night on The Dick Cavett show. Or it could've been the Mike Douglas show. It was a long time ago so who knows. The argument got so heated that the VVAW declared war on the SBVFT. Which is ironic considering they were against war. There was a huge battle throughout the country with veterans fighting hippies. Public opinion turned against the SBVFT mainly because of former veteran-turned-hippie, the Lt., let's call him Lt. Hippie, and the SBVFT lost.

Fast forward 30 years and Lt. Hippie has now been a Senator for all this time. But nobody knows what Sen. Hippie has done in the Senate except bash the military and vote against any type of funding for either defense or intelligence. But now he wants to be president and after September 11th, 2001, he can't be a pacifist, hippie Senator from a liberal state, he has to appear tough. So he drags out his four months in Vietnam to prove that he's no pacifist, liberal hippie-boy.

He talks about Vietnam so much, voters start thinking it's 1970 again. But his old nemesises, the SBVFT appear and expose him for what he really is -- a liberal, pacifist old hippie who just happens to have five houses and a billion dollars because he married a successful ketchup salesman. The old charges are brought up - he lied about how he got his medals, he lied about throwing his medals/ribbons/jacket/pants over the White House fence at some protest, he lied about being in Cambodia. Like the kids in that Who song Happy Jack, he lied and lied and lied and lied and lied. And while the kids couldn't hurt Jack, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth certainly could. And they did and continue to hurt him by pointing out his lies as well as how huge his chin is.

Those are the facts as I recall them. I hope this has been instructive as well as informing and entertaining. Next up -- Stem Cell Research -- why it's good for cripples and bad for babies.

In Keeping With The Recent Food Theme

Paul sums up White Castle perfectly in his latest post. The White Castle cheeseburger is quite possibly the perfect food. And the thing I liked the most about them besides the flavor was the size. I loved how small they were and that you could eat twelve hamburgers in a sitting.

Paul mentions the noxious gas that WC burgers cause. Let me tell you, it ain't just gas. Can you say explosive diarrhea? And I can verify Paul's claim about why Northern Jersey smells the way it does. I'm from Northern Jersey, and while WC plays a large part in Jersey's sulfuric fart smell, you also have to factor in the large population of Italians.

Paul also mentions that he can't get it anymore because of where he lives. Same here. I always wondered about that -- why they never expanded around the whole country. I think I could make a fortune if I could open a franchise in Virginia. So I decided to do some research (very minimal) to find out why they stayed regional and couldn't find much on that but guess what? There's a movie about WC and a book! So I've come to the conclusion that White Castle is The B-52's or the Rocky Horror Picture Show of hamburgers. It's reached cult-like status but never hit the mainstream for whatever reason.

Well, I've just made an executive decision and have decided to open my own White Castle. Kind of. I don't think I could get a franchise where I live but I can start a copy cat. I'll call it Biege Castle. Or Off-White Castle. Or White Fortress. White Palace? White Hassle? Maybe you can help me with a name. But it'll have the little square burgers with five holes in them, or not because why bother poking holes in a hamburger. Unless that's important for some reason in which case I'll painstakingly poke five holes in each friggin' burger if that's what you want, ya big pain in the ass. And it'll have the chopped, fried onions and one pickle. And that's all I'll sell is burgers. And maybe some fries. And a beverage of some sort. Probably a cola-type beverage but who knows. Maybe it'll be cream soda except I hate cream soda so forget that.

Also, I'll need help with the financing since I don't really have any money and I'm not selling my house for this high risk, assinine idea of mine so I've decided to rely on your generous donations. If I turn a profit, I'll pay you back. Or better yet, whenever you're in Virginia Beach -- free burgers!!* So help me make my dream of owning a filthy second-rate burger joint come true! You won't be sorry. Well, maybe you will.

*One per customer per day. Not valid on weekends, weekdays or holidays. Void where prohibited.

Just so they can't say they weren't warned

Doofus and Deefus get a slight pass for displaying their barbaric culinary case of the ass, so to speak, on account of ignorance.

Consider this one a warning. Mess with these, and people will make reservations to take a number for the chance to get into the line of folks that will be ready to kick your asses. Just sayin, this one is a big can of whoop-ass on the top closet shelf, and if you insist on getting on a rickety chair to fumble with it and have it dump out all over ya, don't go running crying to your mommas wailing you didn't know.

Now, if you wanna go off on some pointless tirade, uselessly claiming that some wannabe thing called a White Castle is better, be my guest. I've seen many a partisan throwdown over the White Castle versus Krystal conundrum.

But how any folk from a land that doesn't offer the choice of sweet or unsweet tea can claim to even come close is completely lost on me.

So take care simply speaking out of turn against them, do so only at your peril - another case of the ass like you guys displayed over Krispy Kremes, and gravel dancing is sure to commence, directly.

Proof Bill and Paul are both idiots

I'll let the Krispy Kremes do the talking here.

Yes, the plain glazed are hot...less than 45 minutes old. The warmth through the box is electrifying. Also present is a Cruller, a Chocolate covered creme filled, and a Blueberry filled. Note the absence of hip-checking, elbow slinging fat women - as shameful a fabrication by Paul as I've ever seen, that is just not true.

Taking the above shot was tough...oh the waves of olfactory pleasure. It was hard to concentrate, but fortunately the camera has an auto setting.

Notice the details here - the 'Krispy Kreme' coating, just slightly crackled as it has barely cooled, the tender, moist and delicious interior that sticks together ever so slightly.

I'll stop with the pictures - any further exploration of the subject would probably be judged as pornographic in some smaller towns in New Jersey.

If those two pinheads don't get this, well, it just proves they were abused as children, and lack the capacity to appreciate the finer things in life.

I was mad at them, but then, it became clear they deserve pity more than scorn.

Poor bastards. No wonder they're such bitter, little men.

Try not to judge them too harshly.

I did not make this up

Boudreaux's Butt Paste

I wonder if George got his inspiration around here anywhere. Based on the excitment generated by the series of articles here at BI, it would be logical to think he'd figure no one would notice if he stole it.

Because It's A Really Big Country?

I haven't been watching much of the Olympics. I just don't care that much. But the other day I decided to take a look and was reminded why I don't watch the Olympics. I tuned into a womens badminton match and guess who was playing? The Chinese. That's it. The Chinese were playing the team from China. Why? Who knows? Even the announcers couldn't really explain it. They mentioned something about the Badminton Association or something and how the rules needed to be changed.

And the best part, and don't quote me here because like I said, I haven't been paying much attention, but I'm pretty sure the other team from China, a third team, had just beaten Taiwan or Japan or some other Asian country, and had already won the bronze. So these two Chinese teams were playing for the gold and silver. So apparently China won all the medals for badminton. What kind of crap is that?

In unrelated news, I'd never heard of Krispy kreme doughuts until I moved down South, and I have to agree with Paul on this -- I just don't see the big deal. I've had them and I like them but I don't worship at the Krispy Kreme altar. It's a fucking doughnut for Pete's sake. Southerners are nuts when it comes to certain things -- barbecue comes to mind -- and will become violent when you disagree with them. There is no compromise. There is only their way and the wrong way. For the most part Southerners are very laid back but don't fuck with their barbecue, their doughnuts and their favorite NASCAR driver.

Plus, Krispy Kreme is just a really stupid name for a doughnut.