First?

OMG! I can´t BELIEVE IT!!! I can't wait to tell my grandchildren!!!

Does a First count if Frank is not here.

Even if Frank's not here, you still poop your pants.

In my fathers eyes-Vietnam
Hi i'm John (not kerry, John's my father). AND I SERVED IN VIETNAM. WE WERE ON A MISSION TO SAVE CHILDREN AND WOMEN FROM THE EVIL COMMIES. When we were close to vietnam we noticed fires mixed with tornados and lightening. John kerry was on my boat and he said, ahh i'll stand here and shoot my foot for a purple heart, you guys save the women and children.
Suddenly in the middle of our mission there were protesting hippies who flew there from america. -"No blood for commies, no blood for commies"-they shouted, they smelled worse than commies, so i took out my gun and said lets rock baby.
after throwing bars of soap at em they all died, then the next enemy, commies came out. commies too have a stench, it smells like stupidity.
(back on the boat-yes war criminals, they are all war criminals---
Sergent(training young soldires in america)-are you sniffing that botox you are saving for the future?
Kerry-no they are killing small children i saw it with my own eyes! And they shot me, three times to be exact)
John (my father)after killing the commies with ideas of making money, we brought all the women and children back to the boat victoriously, but i had taken a bullet in the hand.
I thought i'd receive medals but John Kerry took three of them and the rest of us got thrown off the boat...we swam and wrestled sharks to get back. but we made it. ONly to get back to John Kerry spitting on us and he and Jane Fonda threatening to hit us.
I threatened to injure him and he said, "sure i'll get another purple heart!!!Muh hahahaha"
we barely made it out from the hippie stinch...and that is how we got such a bum wrap from vietnam. the children were obviously eaten by kerry that's how he made us look bad.
-In my fathers Eyes..the true vietnam story

I wrote this a while ago, but I feel it serves this purpose:

Kerry found his running mate!
7/2/04
(AP)

Al Gore (inventor of internet) using his knowledges of computer science, and physics, built a time machine for the 2004 democratic convention in Boston.

During the convention, Senator John Forbes Kerry will travel back in time to the year 1969 with the purpose of convincing a younger version of himself to join him in the future as his running mate against George W. Bush for the 2004 presidential election.

When asked of his plans Kerry's eyes lit up.
"MANY PEOPLE ACCUSE ME OF FLIP-FLOPING ON THE ISSUES."
Sen. Kerry said as his butler brought him his lunch
"I figure that if I get the younger me to run as my Vice-President, the American people will consider me more moderate than the younger, more radical John Kerry, and If I change my mind I will get the younger me to adopt my previous position. I can't possibly loose the election with that plan."

Kerry declined to comment that the 42nd president
William Jefferson Clinton would accompany him on the trip in order to purchase Marijuana for the convention goers.
He did comment though that "Bubba had that flame weed back in college."

There's more too (I wonder if the NYT has a job opening for journalists who make isht up?)

Kerry went on: "Back in '69 I refused my own offer for V.P. See I HAD THIS THING FOR JANE FONDA AND I FELT THAT I HAD OBLIGATIONS TO HER AND THE AMERICAN COMMUNIST PARTY... but I am older and have more experience than I did back then. I think that I will see this in myself, and be convinced to leave the past this time. Did I mention that I was in Vietnam?"

Kerry then jumped up, throwing his sandwich on the floor in a fit of rage.
"jeeves what is this?" "A sandwich just like you asked for sir." "Is this Heinz ketchup?" "No sir, I used a packet of burger king ketchup from when Mr. Clinton came over for lunch last week." "Blech, yuck when I become president you're fired jeeves. I'll hire a migrant to wait on me for half the cost that I pay you! It's the American way." "But sir you won me in a bet from Mr. Sorros." [sigh]"That's right... well I'll hire some migrant anyways I can spare the pocket change."

Kerry than got back on track "Yeah Vietnam. I SHOT A LITTLE 8-YEAR-OLD KID IN THE BACK AS HE RAN AWAY. They gave me a Bronze Star for that. I also got a purple heart for a nasty blister on my big toe."
"You were on the side of the Americans in the conflict weren't you?" " Sen. Kerry then abruptly ended the interview. He left the room and as his butler escorted me out, I caught a faint whiff of Marijuana wafting from the direction that the Sen took off to...

(Truth is in BOLD CAPITALS)

I am John F'n Kerry, and I approved this story.

I AM reminded of the time as A young commander in VietNam when I was wounded in the BUTT and my buddy had a SUCKING chest wound. Contrary to what some COWARDLY malcontents have been saying, I risked my life to get us back. The sight of my buddy's GAPING wound knocked me on my ASS and left a HOLE in my life.

Great job Former Hostage. I would love to take part in this even if it is too much like school work and I finished that years ago. Not that many years ago but still years ago.

However, my personal summer vacation is set to begin in about eighteen hours and I have packing to do. Have fun everybody. You're doing great Ducky and Harvey!

Very good job FH!

One day, while minding my own business of irritating conservatives by writing computer hack programs, I met this big bald Black dude who gives me this red pill. Next thing I know, I wake up in this thick, pink goo. And I was like, “WOAH!” Then I got flushed down the toilet. And then this guy armed with ultra cool Oakley sunglasses starts kick’n my ass. And I was all like, “Hey, stop that dude!” That’s when shot me, I died, and THE SECOND MOVIE SUCKED.

AND THE THIRD SUCKED EVEN WORSE

"they suck........they all suck" -IT

This is my first humor piece ever, so I'm not too sure if its that funny. Still, I gotta start somewhere.

---

Apocalypse Kerry

"This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end..."

"Senator Kerry? Why are you staring at the ceiling fan?"

John Kerry was in a high school classroom. Everyone was staring at him.

"Ah yes, the Cambodia story. Ahem. It was Christmas of 1968..."

Jeeves, Kerry's Butler, whispered into John Kerry's ear.

"Well, it may have been January of 1969, depending on who I'm telling the story to."

The class nerd raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked an annoyed Kerry.

The nerd adjusted his glasses. "Well, Senator, the certainly couldn't have occurred in both December and January, that just simply goes against all logical..."

John Kerry stood up in a rage and screamed, "Haven't you read 1984? The teachers should have taught you Doublethink! Do not question me! I served in Vietnam! My wife is rich!"

Everyone stared at him in shock.

"Anyway, I remember that day like it was yesterday. It's seared... seared into my memory. When I woke up on that cloudy or sunny morning (whichever will get you to vote for me), I realized that I was in Saigon. I was still only in Saigon. Waiting for a mission, getting softer. Every minute I stayed in that room I got weaker. And every minute Charlie squatted in the George W. Bush he got stronger.
Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service."

A student raised his hand.

"What?" snapped Kerry

"Um, sir? Isn't that the transcript from Apocalypse Now?"

"Are you questioning my service in Vietnam? I served in Vietnam! I served in Vietnam! I served..."

Jeeves handed Kerry a glass of water.

"Sir, this will calm you down."

"Thank you Jeeves. And from now on, no more questions. I served in Vietnam!

So, where was I? Ah yes..."

---

Vietnam Christmas 1968/January 1969

"I actually loved the smell of napalm in the morning before I hated it!" Lieutenant Kerry said to his crew.

The boat suddenly crashed into a French plantation. The sound of hundreds of guns cocking could be heard. After the mist cleared, hundreds of Frenchman pointing old fashioned rifles at the boat were visible.

"Ahh! Frenchmen! I surrender!" Kerry dropped his M-16 and threw his hands up.

The leader, or what Kerry assumed to be the leader, motioned to one of the men, who then frisked the Lieutenant.

The leader then spoke "Ha! You Americans are the first to surrender to us French since the last world war. You should be ashamed of yourself.

He then walked up to Kerry and whispered, "Be proud of what you've done, my young Frenchman, be proud!"

Then, a bunch of Vietcong ambushed the Frenchmen, killing them all while Kerry ran for the boat. Kerry tripped then...

"Ow! Where's my purple heart?"

---

"Hey, Harkin! You see that down there?"

Tom Harkin looked down on the ground.

"Looks pretty hot down there!"

"Yeah, let's nape the whole place just to be sure." said his co-pilot.

"We're gonna be war heroes now!"

---

The Vietcong were still hiding in the jungle, shooting at Kerry.

"Ahh, I'll show you! I served in Vietnam!"

Kerry then took a grenade and threw it, hitting a tree, bouncing back and exploding near his leg.

"Make the pain stop! That's two purple hearts!"

The jungle suddenly exploded in a burst of fire, killing all the Vietcong.

"Yeah! I won Vietnam!"

He then turned to his crew.

"Get the camera, we gotta re-enact this one."

---

"...and that's why I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like - victory."

John Kerry was sitting in an empty classroom.

"Jeeves, what happened?"

"Sir, I believe the recess bell rang about five minutes ago. Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

The End.

Actually, its more like my third humor piece, but its the first humor piece anyone has seen (few people read my website).

I am John Kerry, and I approved this story.

There I was, in the Navy, reading abotu the great naval traditions. When I was studying these, I decided that the high point of the navy was the british navy of long ago. I realized that that jerk Churchill had ruined the best things about the navy. I tried the rum, I tried the lash, but it wasn't enough. At that point, I knew I had to have a man as a lover. As I knew a gay affair would ruin my chanches of being elected, I decided to do the next best thing, and I MARRIED A WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A TRANSVESTITE.

Hmmm. I forgot to put the war in entirely... And I'm a bad typist. How about "As I pulled him out of the water, I felt a stirring in my heart, awakening a longing that would have to be satisfied by my second wife."

Hey, if we're going to take the time to write a story for this contest, the winner should be able to get, in addition to the free punctuation use, the chance to send in questions to be answered during RightWingDuck Answers!

Ahh! I forgot to capitalize all the "I SERVED IN VIETNAM!"

Katie where would we be without punctuation Im sorry Frank is the one who can be Funny-on-Demand Id like to have RightWingDuck Answers but that would require having talent

Now do you see the value of punctuation? Let's all have an attitute of gratitude.

Punctuation is stupid. It means having to take time to type extra characters, and it costs me points on essays when I don't use it.

John Kerry, SERVED IN VIETNAM. (maybe)

Anyway, there has been a lot of hype about how JFK pulled Jim whatever his name is out of a river or something, when they were under fire. In truth, there were some Korean kids with water guns, and they were aiming for a fish. Now this Jim guy, happens to be as much of a truth stretcher as Kerry, and they were both embarrassed because they mistook steady streams of water, for bullets. So they made up the story about enemy fire, and being strong in the line of duty, and blah blah. And lo and behold; Kerry recieved a bronze star. (He only got a bronze, because no one liked this Jim fella). So they hatched a plan involving toothpicks, and pretty soon Kerry had three purple hearts and silver star. The end.

Okay that story was really lame. It's so lame it's funny. I'm a failure. :-(

My name is John Kerry, and I HAVE REALLY BAD HAIR. But I served in Vietnam and was sprayed with napalm, which is why I have such bad hair and wrinkles that disappear and re-appear sporadically. I digress.

One day, I was boating in Cambodia at Christmas. The smog was so thick that it almost overshadowed my cloud of BS that my mouth omits when I speak sometimes. Again, napalm.

The bad men in the boat with me wouldn't stop laughing about my speech defect. You see, I have this long-lasting problem that stops me from ever, really, ever, really being truly able to effectively, honestly, and morally, or concisely tell the listening, hopeful audience what issues, thoughts, and mysterious happenings I might perhaps venture to think about sometimes and maybe not so much on others. The bad men make fun of me because of this and the cans of hairspray I kept in my knapsack. I will avenge myself and my hair, I decided.

While waiting around for the bad men to return from combat, I devised a plan to gain revenge for the mockery I experienced. What plan would be most natural? Become President of the United States, of course. I would do this by putting my BS cloud to good use and blaming everything from salmon spawning to nuclear waste on my opponent. Then I would get my revenge. I will take power and make all intellectuals and Vietnam Vets miserable with my idiocy, I thought. It's really the most viable option.

After injuring myself multiple times by playing "I Spy" in my combat boat, (I Spy is dangerous when you are alone in Cambodia at Christmas. I was in Vietnam, remember) some random person handed me some stupid purple things that I threw over a fence because the other homeless guy did the same thing. I found out later they were Purple Hearts and very important. I received three purple hearts, remember.

Anyways, I am succeeding in my lifelong quest to annoy the bad men who now have written an evil book about me. Apparently, a lot of Americans are falling for my revenge scheme. Eeeexcellent...

We really need to vote Dubya out. He’s clearly the worst American dictator since the 21 century. Ashcroft is a head of fearful secret police suppressing our right of the 1st amendment by patriot act. He’s spreading fear to mind-control us and make us soft. Ann Coulter is a reincarnation of Dr. Goebbels brainwashing us by her pen while Ashcroft and his oppressive police brainwash us by sword and handcuffs. The neocons Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz are warmongers and spreading imperialism around the world for oil and money. There is no president hated like this before by our allies. We need to vote for Kerry, so we can restore the confidence in international community, which has turned away from us because of Dubya. We love America, so let us show our patriotism through voting Dubya out, and kicking the neocons out from the White House will surely make America better. Clean environment, gay marriage, pro-choice, national health care will be possible if Dubya is gone. Dubya is hampering all the progressive side of America. With Dubya, of course America will degenerate and I have no doubt that no American wants to see that. To improve America, voting Dubya out is the only choice. Unite and vote for Kerry!

Again, leftists can't present factual evidence for their claims.
America is THE WORLD SUPERPOWER, and being progressive doesn't mean turning over our power that we have worked so hard to get over to a bunch of pussies that wouldn't know what to do with it.
(except give it to a corrupt socialist organization)

Lolito should win the contest hands-down for posting the best fictitious account of things in general.
It should have put the last sentence in bold print though.
Like anyone in their right mind would vote for john commie.
[HA]

So, killing babies, letting homosexuals get married, and letting terrorists blow up our citizens make for a better America? What are you smoking?

every two days we get another nutball. and what kind of name is "lolito" sounds like this old nintendo game where this furry gay looking creature ran around moving puzzles

MY NAME IS JOHN Kerry. Back when I was in 'Nam, you know that place where all those horrid, little, blue-collarred red-necks and other assorted poor people killed all of the nice commies while I took notes so I could get them in trouble back home.

Anyway, I SERVED IN VIETNAM... I'm not sure what side I'm on... But I know I did it. But while I was there to help my fellow working joes, preserve the capitalist South, I somehow managed to wound my self. Though I was wounded in combat by the enemy, I was able to save all of my boat mates. I was able to get 3 purple hearts because I was wounded in Vietnam. I was able to kill a village of Cambodians by driving the boat into their village and tossing my zippo into a hut while I personnal raped 8 of their women, though I only watched in horror as my boat mates raped those poor women. I learned alot about leading a nation while taping the rapes and selling them on the 'net, right after Al made it for me to buy hair spray on (it's impossible to keep good looking hair in that humidity.)

I am the most youthful appearing of the two guys running for office, those bad cans of peaches work really well on these wrinkles. I have no wrinkle, but my expiriance in 'Nam taught me how to lead through anything, inclueding bad hairdays, lack of botox, and throwing other guy's medals on the White House Lawn.

I remember learning to lead other men in battle in boot camp. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat when I think about that one guy we used to call "Gomer" shooting the Sarge and then himself before I served in Vietnam. Once we got to 'Nam, it just started raining one day, it rained all day and all night with out stopping. Me and Bubba used to have to sleep with our backs up against each others so we wouldn't fall asleep in the mud and drown. Bubba died when I was helping those poor Vietnamiese guys out when we caught them with those weapons on patrol in our boat.

Anyway, I served in Vietnam and told the world about my exploits and how I personally saved a Cambodian villiage before becoming Sen. Kennedy's love slave.

Vote for me, because I served in Vietnam.

Hrmmmm... clarification... I didn't serve in Vietnam.... I'm only 18.... though John Kerry did.

Damnit! stupid writing contests being found at 2330!

TIME OUT! All views are allowed on this site, provided the poster does not get abusive.

BTW. Lolito would be the form of Lolo which is a real name in Spanish. Think Billy versus Billy.

Besides, Lolito might have meant it tongue in cheek, never forget - this is mainly a Humor Site.

I WAS ON MY SWIFTBOAT IN VIETNAM (did you know I served there?). IT WAS A HOT, STEAMY DAY, AND SOMEONE SHOT thousands of rounds AT MY BOAT. ONE OF MY MEN WOUNDED A VIET CONG ENEMY while I took care of the other 289 enemy combatants. It's amazing how young those little kids learn to shoot. I GROUNDED MY BOAT, leaving my squad unable to maneuver, AND CHASED THE WOUNDED GUY DOWN AND SHOT HIM DEAD. "Score!" I thought. "Just 2 more medals & I am goin' into politics!"

BEING SO PLEASED AND PROUD OF WHAT I HAD DONE, I CAME BACK THE NEXT DAY AND HAD the men under my command FILM ME, WITH MY HIGH-TECH SUPER-8 CAMERA that I always had with me, PRETENDING TO BE A DARING HERO IN VIETNAM (did you know I served there?). I STILL WATCH THAT FILM, 35 YEARS LATER (now on dvd - check your local Blockbuster) ON THOSE NIGHTS when Teresa has a 'headache' and I have to sleep in the guest room. I've told my PR people not to worry; I always lock the door and shut the blinds before I start watching. BESIDES, NOW THAT I'M RUNNING, THOSE SECRET SERVICE SOB'S will keep the press away.

Ah, Vietnam - despite what I said about my being a war criminal, those were the ONLY SIGNIFICANT DAYS OF MY LIFE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT LESS THAN 5 MONTHS IN COMBAT 35 YEARS AGO WOULD BE MY BEST REASON TO BE PRESIDENT THAN 20 YEARS IN THE SENATE? GOOD LORD, I LOVE THE MODERN PRESS. . .

By the way, Gore never did claim to 'invent' the internet. He did claim to be an early supporter (true) and implied that without his support we wouldn't have it (false). However, he did also claim - based upon his undergrad math work - to invent the 'algorithym', which he named after himself.

dear lolito,
if you meant that story tongue and cheek many appologies. i forget this is a humor site when serious democrats started being all "why are there people with different views" on us. hehe i am laughing at my response though ahahhaha