Thursday, September 02, 2004
The Talented Ms. Greeny
Yet another boring picture from my dull life. I was restless today, so I decided to fill up some empty wall space above the couch with some Ansel Adams prints. Talented, aren’t I?
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Dust Bunny Facts
Dustbunnies have been around for centuries and are an untouched resource of easy-care pets for our busy life styles. They have lived quietly along side us and have already been domesticated. You probably have one or two which have “adopted” you and you wouldn’t even know it. The Dustbunny seeks out spaces that receive little traffic, and are preferably dark - although some do become curious of the outside world.
Dust bunny Defenses
Dustbunnies have their own paratrooper squads that one must be on the look-out for. However, since the Dustbunnies do not have their own Airforce they depend on fan blades to transport them, so invasions usually take plan during warm summer days. There are also small legions of foot soldiers that parade across the floor when the ventilation units are turned on. When heavy objects are moved they will scurry for cover. This is the best time for capture.
Dustbunny Social Life
Dust Bunnies are very prolific. There is no such thing as ONE Dust Bunny. Left to their own vices, dustbunnies will reproduce at alarming rates.
Dustbunnies like to use stereo-systems as their own personal Singles Clubs. Dancing usually takes place on the older models with a LP turntable, as the laser show of the CD drives have been linked to Fur Cancer in studies conducted at DBU.
Dustbunny Care
Care for dustbunnies is very low maintenance!
Feeding: Dust Bunnies will find their own food. They have a tendency to turn vegetarian - if you do not wish them to eat your houseplants you may wish to gently wipe them off the leaves with a gentle but firm “no”.
Housing:Dustbunnies need a quiet, dark place to make a hutch or home, under beds and dressers are the ideal spots. If you wish them to find their own space, don’t be surprised if you catch them crawling the walls and hanging from the chandeliers. Dust Bunnies prefer small hidden places where no one looks.
Health Care: Unlike many pets, Dustbunnies do not need inoculations or veterinary visits. If your Dustbunny begins to look peaked, build it a nest of laundry lint and in a few days your pet will be looking fine and frisky.
Making Your Home Dustbunny Friendly
If you are missing an item, check the closest Dust Bunny habitat. Unlike Raccoons who will actively look for goodies, Dustbunnies will only take what they can get easily especially anything left on the floor near their home. Natural enemies of the Dust Bunny: Giant sucking machines (i.e. Hoovers, Kirbys, Dust Vacs, Black and Decker, etc.) keep them as far away from your Dustbunny if you don’t want to scare them.
Remember, Dustbunny habitats are federally protected by law.
Glossary of Terms:
Underground Railroad: Air ducts
Express Lane: Using the air ducts while furnace or AC is in use
Jamacan Vacation: Dryer lint screen
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Crack House Whores
It truly amazes me how stupid people can be when they come into the Crack House to purchase crack. First off, I’m here to keep the peace and restore order when the need arises. I’m paid to make sure that your crack buying experience exceeds your expectations, and to swiftly and professionally control all areas of the business without letting you, the crack head, know that right this minute the meth lab in the back is on fire and Johnny The Junkie cut off his finger with a razor blade while lining up cocaine for you on serving trays. You’ll never have a clue you’re about to die in an explosion… because I’m just that damn good.
However, I’m am not here to be your goddamn personal maid for hire. You need a maid? Two words, classified ad. Your moronic wish is pretty goddamn low on my to-do list since the meth lab caught on fire and you are going to die soon. Got it? Sorry that you feel your table is too small for your fat ass and you want to move to a new one… Fuck off. Better yet, quit bending your elbow and put down the fork. And if you are a minority, I don’t care to hear you whine about how the table in front of you got served their acid and mushrooms first because they are white trash and you are just a lowly dumpster diver. We don’t offer government assistance at the Crack House and you can’t purchase our shit with foodstamps. Quit blaming other people because you are a worthless fuck-up who will never amount to anything.
Public service… you just gotta love it.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Frilly Shit
Somebody save me from buying my yorkie this stuff.
But aren’t these just too cute?
Monday, August 16, 2004
As If
You ever wonder if dyslexic, insomniac, agnostics lie awake in bed each night wondering if there is a dog?
Speaking of agnostic… I wonder where Kris went off to? Probably spying on his new neighbors.
Freak. Gotta love him.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Steak and Blow Job Day
You know, myself and a few of my girlfriends have been talking about this since last Friday. Every 14th of February men get the chance to display their fondness for the wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. We think that the guys really feel left out. That’s right...left out. There’s really no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why we’ve decided to create a new holiday just for them.
August 13th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day"
This holiday is simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so ladies can have a day to show their man just how much they love them. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a blow job. That’s it. This twin pairing of Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable day for themselves in August! It’s like a perpetual love machine.
(We’re actually just joking about this guys… sorry, we lied. We had you going there for a minute though, didn’t we?)
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Friday, August 06, 2004
Design Tip #1
The best way to piss off a man?
Rearrange his little corner of the world after being advised not to.
Muwhahahaha
I think I’m going to do a small series… design tips that will piss off your man. With excitng and informative topics as:
“How to piss of your man for under $100”
“Temptress of Design: Life on the edge. Moving his shorts to a new drawer and rearranging his NASCAR collection.”
“Toothbrushes aren’t just for teeth.”
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Saturday, July 31, 2004
The Best Never Rest?
I knew there was a reason I only bought Ford.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Freaky Shit
This is a totally fucked up gift for any reason. Please resist the temptation.
Monday, July 26, 2004
My Sentiments Exactly
Yup, it’s been one of those days here at the Crack House. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
(My sister’s husband is such a nice man to supply me with this picture. Thanks Jimmy.)
I just happened to think… Dick works at the Whore House, me, I work at the Crack House… small fucked up world, ain’t it?
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