Paul & Carls daily diatribe

I thought all this sort of shit was restricted to San Francisco with it’s wall to wall wankers, but like a virus silliness is spreading all along the west coast; the LA city council has voted overwhelmingly to ban silly string, citing pollution and incitement to violence risks.

Next on the list are conical party hats, as they can be mistaken for Klan headgear in silhouette and cause militant negroes to open fire.

The utterly predictable perpetually outraged are organising national rallies for the weekend of October 1/2, a week before the federal election.

As per the rallies around the Republican convention, the local rent-a-crowd (who hate America and Americans, then ape their every move) have formed a loose-knit coalition encompassing virtually every ratbag fringe group, persecuted minority and sullen reactionary luddite ranging from union thugs to the man/goat free love society.

The more (and Moore- how about inhaling some helium and floating over, blimpie) the merrier- especially if they get feisty and start throwing bags of urine and rolling marbles in front of mounted police; a double benefit in that the coppers get a valid reason to crack some pointy dreadlocked heads, and the resultant media coverage will drive hordes of wavering voters back to the marginal sanity of the current government (and hopefully give the Greens a bath in the Senate).

The best result would be if currest green gauleiters Bob n’ Kerry lead the rabble, and are right in the middle of any ruckus that occurs.

Remember to bring plenty of flares and big ugly paper-mache’ heads that look nothing like whoever they’re supposed to portray, you little pranksters- with a bit of luck the two will combine for a nice fiery riot (and there’s probably no other way of killing off the lice colonies in your hair either).

The other thing with having a rally/ruckus/riot a week before the federal election is that they haven’t factored the short attention-span of the average bucket-bong afficionado; they might get all steamed about Howard on the 2nd, but roll around the 9th and they will vaguely remember being hit on the head, but put it down to another house raid by the either the drug squad or hoons ripping off their stash.

Here’s the sort of influential upright citizens

we can expect to see. JWH just shortened to twos on.

In a glaring example of the funding crisis facing tertiary education in Australia, a researcher from the University of Queensland has recieved a grant to study the prevalence of lesbianism among wild cows in the Malaysian highlands.

The question I want answered is what do they use as a strap-on? I’m guessing a fence post tied on with wire.

Otherwise, what possible benefit is there to be had on an in-depth study of bovine bender bonking? Apparently domestic cows tend to be more Daphne* than Daisy- personally I blame the Howard government.

That or it might have something to do with cows not getting any due to AI procedures, which have turned a lot of stud bulls into pansy poll herefords, brahman bum-boys, aberdeen angus arse-bandits, fresian fairies and jersey jessies.

I’m doing my bit to help the research- here’s all the weirdo critter porn you could stuff your thesis to bursting point with.

*Daphne- a famous Australian sportswoman known to favour sensible shoes.

Haven of atavistic Islamic thugs Chechnya is in serious need of a jolly good nuking.

When the radiation drops to acceptable levels, send in the Spetsnaz to fit out any survivors with a snappy bacon three-piece.

UPDATE Sometime Mangled Thoughts contributor Andy Murphy gives a review of the performance of adherents of the religion of peace in today’s op/ed in The Australian:-

I SEE representatives of a certain religion have murdered 38 innocent people in the past 24 hours – 10 waiting for a train in Moscow, 12 who were working in Iraq trying to feed their families back in Nepal and 16 on their way home from work in Beersheba. Is “the Religion of Peace” just having a bad day? Andrew Murphy Kangaroo Point, Qld

While I normally couldn’t give a rat’s arse about vermin-infested critters swarming all over one of Bob Brown’s creaky old leafy lightning rods, my favourite furry funsters are coming to Australia; the Happy Tree Friends are coming to SBS, starting 9th of September.

Make sure you let the kiddies stay up- a half hour of the mischevious cavorting of these adorable little bundles will shut the little bastards up for the next week.

On top of the recent kerfuffle in Queensland over the abject failure of the Beattie government to manage and maintain the state’s power grid, Bushy reports that the utterly inept SA Labor regime plans to install monitored switches in SA houses, so some shiny-arsed clock-watcher (in an air-conditioned office) can pull the plug on airconditioners on the hottest days of summer.

Apparently SA and Victoria have the highest rate of home airconditioning in the country- probably more to do with winter reverse-cycle heating than summertime cooling; an evaporative cooler would be as (or more) effective in these climes as refrigerated airconditioning, which is more suited to the truly rotten humid and fetid east coast.

This is irreleant to the fact that state monopolies charge userous rates for power in a resource rich country, and can’t even guarantee supply with the huge revenues excised from a captive population; there’s something vaguely third world/soviet about brown outs, that classic display of the abject failure of state planning.

The real point here is not only the piss-poor ability to meet obligations but the draconian and intrusive solution to the problem. Rather than pull their collective (and collectivised) fingers out, these incompetent malfeasants want to monitor people’s power usage and cut them off if they feel it excessive; I can’t wait for the surveillance cameras to be be installed in people’s shitters, so those evil bastards who press the full flush button when they’ve only had a number one can be dealt with in summary fashion- how about a portable gibbet that can be wheeled out into the centre of Adelaide oval during the drinks break?

I know Hollywood is getting more and more desperate for script ideas, but making a movie about John Hopoate’s prediliction for inserting stray digits in opposing player’s bungholes is getting pretty obscure.

The movie is to feature Alec Baldwin and Matthew Broderick, but it is unknown as to who will play the finger and who will star as the arsehole.

Those wacky Finns (and I don’t mean those tin-eared twats from Un Zud)- it’s amazing what sort of jolly japes onr can pull with a forklift, a chainsaw and loose sheet metal.

(It’s MPEG streaming video, so you’ll need cable; It’s a little slow at the start, but picks up a couple of minutes in. I think it’s supposed to be a OH&S training film, but it inspires me to get blotto and run amok in the warehouse on the Hyster).

Fresh on the heels of fellow Gravetteer Alan Anderson once again infiltrating the Fairfax fairy bower, another (sometime) Gravett blogger turns up in Rupert’s big broad organ.

James Morrow looks at the hairy, noisy and ugly crowd surrounding the Republican convention in NYC, and doesn’t like much what he sees- and more importantly questions just what influence the infestation of a few city blocks by a mass of complete raving dingbats is going to have; I came to much the same conclusion, and the Coalition would be quietly pleased if a large number of our very own facially-pierced, rancid dreadlock crowned, tie-died, drum-beating, didgeridoo-playing, evil-smelling idiots took to the streets, preferably accompanied by Bob Brown and Kerry Nettles.

UPDATE Australia’s favourite expatriate propagandist for the enemy since Wilfred Burchett has added his own two dinars worth to the US presidential race, concluding the candidates are both dangerous fascists hellbent on introducing compulsory Mickey Mouse Ears and inane smiles to the third world.

I await him throwing his sizeable weight behind Nader for El Presidente’.

If you were wavering in your decision to put the nation in the hands of a borderline psychotic leading a mixed bag of dud lawyers, union hacks and lunar zealots or leave it in the control of a crew who’ve been in office for three terms and who’ve done bugger-all in real terms, consider this- in his weekly commentary on the world at large, Terry Hicks claims that the only way his possibly homicidal, religiously-intolerant offspring will make it back to our shores in a big hurry is if Labor wins the federal election.

What better way to get swinging voters behind you than a policy for release into the community of crazed religious fanatics with a pathological hatred of secular democracy? A guaranteed winner.

Good old Terry- where would we be without him?