Golf Ball & the G Spot

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-
spot?

Growing Pains

A teacher is reviewing her class' homework assignment. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

100 Miles an Hour

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies sheepishly.

"So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"

"Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Condoms

This guy went into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. The only problem was that he didn't know what size to buy because he'd never done it before. He went up to a cashier, who happened to be a beautiful blonde and said, "Excuse me, Miss, I need to purchase some condoms, but I don't know what size to get." So the blonde said, "Alright, come here," and proceeded to reach into his pants and feel around for a while... Then she reached for her loud speaker, and said, "Hey, Sid, I need a box of large condoms in isle 3!!" So the guy took his condoms and left.

A couple of hours later, another man came in with the same problem. He went up to the blonde, and said, "I need to buy a box of condoms, but I don't know what
size." So she took him aside, and the next thing he knows, she's shouting, "Hey, Sid, I need a box small condoms in isle 3!!" into her loudspeaker. The guy, embarrassed as hell, took his condoms and left.

A couple of hours later a kid about 16 years old walked into the pharmacy, also looking to buy a box of condoms. He didn't know what size to buy so he walked up to the blonde, and told her his problem. Sighing she said, "Alright, come here and let me see what you got." So he walked over to her, and she started to feel around. With a smirk, she reached over to her loud speaker, and shouted, "Hey, Sid, clean up in isle 3!!"

Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Old Mans Wedding Night

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does
that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

The Circumcision

Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming in his chair, not paying any attention to what was being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached him
to find out what the problem was.

Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had just been circumcised, and he was quite itchy.

Miss Wanda sent him to the principal's office to phone his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat
down.

All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back of the class to see what was causing the disturbance. The teacher glanced over at Joey... He was sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: "What are you doing?" she gasped. "I thought I told you to call your mother!"

"I did," replied Joey. "My Mom told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Frog Noise

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

Suicide Solution

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Line Painter

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and
says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

3 Engineers and the Stalled Car

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer,a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenlythe car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

Laxatives

Q: Why are women is Harbey like laxatives?

A: They He irritate the crap out of you.

Fluffy Toys

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was
the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I?"

She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

Artificial Insemination

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes. "And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."

Well... Don't Do That!

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"

Pick Up Rebuttals - at Harbey

Harbey: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Harbey: "I'd really like to get into your pants."

Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Woman: "Want to Dance?"

Harbey: "No, thank you."

Woman: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Harbey: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.

Harbey: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

After hearing Harbey's pick-up line:

Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Fat Bastard!

Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

Woman and the Midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with
the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Snails

A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"