The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for a new sweetheart's birthday, and after careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went shopping and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it wasn't for your sister, I would have chosen the longer ones with buttons, but she said the short ones are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really nice in them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as naturally they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think of how many times I will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them on our date this Friday. I would love to see you in them. All my love."

Hooker Handjob

Harry and his wife are having rough financial times, so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks for a second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" He tells her that she can give him a handjob. She runs back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty bucks is a handjob. He agrees and she gets in the car with him. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says, I'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"

The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the airway. He goes looking for his ball, and comes across this little guy with a huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness!!!", exclaims the golfer, and he proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly.", and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun replies, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," says the leprechaun, "and might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you," says the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer replies, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Whimpy's Handjob

This is funny....

Olive, on the other hand, is just a bitch. She clearly gets off on having two guys fighting over her. Neither of them is good looking, neither have much in the way of personality. But they both want her and that's good enough for Olive. The poor guys don't even have any idea that Olive has been giving Wimpy handjobs behind the hamburger stand for a dollar so she can save money to get a much needed boob job. Which is why Wimpy never has any money for hamburgers.

Tribute to Rodney

Original here

Born Jacob Cohen in 1921, Rodney "No Respect" Dangerfield began writing jokes at the age of 15. At 19 he changed his name to Jack Roy and had two jobs: one as a comic who couldn't make a living and the other as a singing waiter.

After traveling the comedy circuit for ten years, the struggling Jack Roy quit show business in favor of selling aluminum siding.

It wasn't until the age of 40 that Dangerfield made the decision to relaunch his career as a performer and comedy writer. He spent his days in a business office and nights working in New York clubs.

Rodney's famous trademark white shirt and red tie are on permanent display at the Smithsonian.

Russian Manly-Men

A joke for der Commissar's Showtrial

An international competition for the title of the most manly man comprised three tests. Every participant must:

1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka


2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear


3. To make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her life took a bath

A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead.

An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he saw the female bear.

A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion, then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked, "Where is the woman to shake her hand?"

Hickphonics

Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

Generous Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Adams Companion

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.

What Your Car Says About You

What your car says about you:

Food for Thought

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes"?

- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Lawyers Vacations

For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

The Perfect Day

The "Perfect Day" for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.

9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00PM Nap.

4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.

4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.

7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00PM Hot shower.

10:30PM Make love.

11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

Nasty Talk

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute.

Body Odor

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is visiting this Indian Chief. He decides to have some fun and tells the Chief, "Hey Chief, I see ya got an old hound dog. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Dog no talk!", replied the chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?", says the ventriloquist while petting the pooch".

"Oh, not bad", says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and I just lay around the teepee.", came the reply from the dog.

The Chief was amazed! The ventriloquist was having fun so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Horse no talk!", replied the Chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?", say the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose.

"Oh, not bad says the horse. Chief stays home a lot anymore. I just hang around eating hay.", came the reply from the horse.

Now the Chief was really amazed! The ventriloquist was enjoying this so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to them?"

"OH...SHEEP LIE...SHEEP LIE!!", replied the Chief.

Buttercups

While playing a round of golf one day, Bill hit a shot into the middle of a field of buttercups. As he was preparing to hit his next shot (probably uprooting most of the buttercups) a voice out of nowhere said, "Please don't hurt my buttercups." Bill, not sure he heard correctly, prepared to hit his shot anyway. Again a voice asked him not to hurt the buttercups.

Bill placed his ball back on the fairway to make his shot and instantly MOTHER NATURE appeared. "Thank you for not hurting my buttercups, as a reward I will give you a year's supply of butter !" Bill was momentarily surprised and then he became angry ..... "Thanks a lot lady, but where were you when I was stuck in the PUSSY WILLOWS !!!"

Pilot Intercom Error

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

Marriage Choices

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Pool Etiquette

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"