The winning description of the Know Thy Enemy: Liberals shirt is:

First the judges confiscated your crosses, holy water and garlic under "separation of Church and State". Now you are going to need another method to keep liberals at bay. Apparently driving a stake through someone's heart is illegal in America, so you'll need the next best thing: Frank's "Know Thy Enemy: Liberals" t-shirt. Its 100% preshrunk cotton, 100% American and 100% kick-ass.

It won with 79 votes out of 316 (I need to work on voter turnout), a healthy 25 plurality.

Congratulations to Rob for winning. He gets free t-shirt; rest of you buy now!

Thanks also to everyone who entered and especially the finalists BerkeleyChick, Cyberiad, David, Brian, and Mysterio.

...pound for pound, feathers weigh more than gold.

...squirrels are the only other mammal than humans that have mastered the garrote.

...John Kerry has a plan.

D'oh! I forgot about the contest for the description of my Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt. Have a lot going on, and a number of things are perched on the edge of the 'ole memory hole.

Anyway, the poll is closed and I'll announce the winner tonight. Until then, buy my t-shirts!

So I went to National Review Online to see the new articles for today, but there aren't any because they claim it's a holiday. So I check my Daily Dilbert calendar, and it says it's Columbus Day (and Thanksgiving in Canada - WTF?!). Man, I don't get the day off.

Anyhoo, Christopher Columbus was the original screw up. He tried to sail to India by heading west only to be stopped by A WHOLE FREAK'N CONTINENT. He was so PO'd that he then went to killing and enslaving the natives - which was good because they had already mastered the bow and the arrow and it was just a matter of time until they had the ability to sail over to Europe and slaughter everyone. Preemptive strike, yo.

Later the place was named after some random mapmaker because it sounded cool, and now we have the kick ass country we call America. So, today we should all give thanks to India for having such great spices as to send Italians sailing off in random directions using Spanish funding.

The nuts at Democratic Underground have their panties in a bunch over the move Team America: World Police, so it's looking like it might be quite enjoyable. Any reviews out for it yet (there was a sneak preview I think this last weekend)?

UPDATE: Ask, and ye shall receive.

'Superman' Christopher Reeves has passed away at the age of 52. Now he's punching devils into the sun.

Does John Kerry have a plan?

I tried checking out his website, but all it had was this little guy that came on screen, pointed to the sky, and exclaimed, "Da plan! Da plan!" Other than that, I couldn't find anything.

What do you think?

Previous Episode

* * * *

"See how Cheney is beating Edwards in his debate," Condi asked as they watched the VP debate on T.V.

"It reminds me of the movie Hannibal," Bush mused, "That part where Hannibal Lector cut out pieces of a guy's brain, cooked them, and fed it to the guy... except that guy was more coherent than Edwards." Bush looked to Cheney. "I’m not trying to imply you’re a serial killer or British."

"Here's where Edwards ran away crying in the end," Cheney said with glee, "That's what you want. Now, you need to practice against your debate partner."

Bush got up and stood behind a podium. At the other podium sat a parrot.

"Kerry, you get the opening statement," Cheney, playing the part of the moderator, said.

"Awk! I have a plan! I have a plan! I have a plan! Awk! Polly served in Vietnam!"

"President Bush, your response."

"You shut up!" Bush yelled as he ran over and hit the bird with a bat.

After the feathers cleared, Cheney growled, "Those birds are expensive! I'm not getting you another debate partner."

"I'm ready for the debate," Bush said and started walking away, "Let's just get to it."

Condi stopped him. "No bat."

* * * *

The crowd applauded as Bush and Kerry walked into the room. Kerry smiled with what looked liked it took great physical exertion (or carefully placed injections). Bush eyed the crowed suspiciously. Both sat at their stools.

"Let's start this debate," the moderator Charlie Gibson said, "Being this a town hall style debate, all the questions come from the idiot undecideds around us. Our first question is for Kerry from Jim."

"How do you respond to charges that you are wishy-washy?" the audience member asked.

Kerry let out a haughty laugh. "Ridiculous. I assume you're talking about the Patriot Act and No Child Left Behind, but to say I changed my position is a distortion of the facts. What I want you to know is President Bush has lost 1.6 million jobs or something like that and..."

"Actually, I was talking about Iraq," the audience member interrupted.

"Shut up!" Kerry said, "You don't get to talk anymore!"

"Kerry is a flip-waffler!" Bush said, pointing an accusing finger, "He voted for the war, but, when he got scared of Dean and his yelling, he voted against the funding! I'm not scared of Dean, though; I punched him in the face once. I also beat up Hagel, but that's unrelated. Just know that I'll stand up to terrorists."

"Next question is for Bush from Carl," Gibson said.

"Do you think that Saddam simply having knowledge for WMD's was a good enough reason to invade Iraq?"

"I don't need reasons for invading places, I'm the President of the United States!" Bush declared, "If I think I sees terrorists, then I kills them." Bush then pulled out a .45 and shot an audience member. "That guy looked liked a terrorists and now he's dead. That's decisive leadership. You won't get that from Frenchie; he'll flip-waffle to keep popular with other nations until we're overrun with people like that guy I just shot."

"Bush wants you to think I change positions," Kerry responded, "but I want to tell all of you unequivocally that my position on Iraq has always been consistent."

The crowd laughed uproariously.

"I'm serious!" Kerry yelled.

The audience laughed even louder. One guy shouted, "That Kerry man is funny! I'm voting for him!"

"Hey, I can tell jokes, too!" Bush stated, "So a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar..."

"We're moving on, President Bush," Gibson interrupted.

"No, I need to tell this one..."

"Some other time," Gibson answered, "now..."

"I'm the President of the United States and I get to talk when I want to!" Bush yelled in full rage as he ran over and punched Charlie Gibson.

"Okay! Say what you want!" Gibson pleaded, "Just don't hit me again!"

Bush walked back to his stool. "Now... Oh, man! I forgot what I was going to say!"

"Then the next question is for Kerry from Jennifer."

"What exactly is your plan for Iraq, Senator Kerry?"

"It is a great plan, that's what it is!" Kerry declared, "It's a plan where good things happen... a plan of plans. I want the American people to know I have a plan. I have a plan to clean up the mess in Iraq! I have a plan to educate our children! I have a plan that will both make your teeth whiter and remove stubborn stains from the carpet. I have a plan for..."

"Your time is up, Senator," Gibson interrupted, "Apparently the lights aren't working."

"I have a plan for that!"

"Man, I wish I had plans," Bush sighed. "Wait! I do have plans! Kerry is just stealing all my good ideas and saying they’re his plans. He's an evil flip-waffler who would have left mean-man Saddam in power, and I'd run over and punch Kerry now if weren’t for part of the debate agreement being that I wear a collar that shocks me if I cross the line between us on the stage."

"Bah! Sanctions and inspections would have worked if Bush were only infinitely patient like me. Why, if we had just gone with sanctions, Saddam would probably have been dead or in prison by now."

"How the hell would that work?" Bush shouted, "He would just have keeled over from the U.N. yapping at him? Or would he have tortured and killed everyone in his country only leaving himself left to torture? You're a crazy stupid man, Kerry, and I'm going to find some way to hurt you even with this shock collar on."

"Bah!"

"The next question is for Bush from Lauren."

"How will you repair relations with other countries after you have made yourself so unpopular in the world?"

"Now, I've done a number of things that are unpopular," Bush answered, "I pulled out of that stupid Kyoto treaty - what's Kyoto anyway? And who are other countries to say how many Kyotos we can have? Also, it was unpopular when I wouldn't join the international court. And it was unpopular when I kidnapped everyone who planned the international court, tried them in our courts, and executed them by catapulting them out to sea. Also, it was unpopular when, after hearing about the oil for food program, I bombed the U.N. headquarters - but it was a short flight since it's in New York. Also, when I gave Jacques Chirac a wedgie and then pounded his head against a wall... actually, that was popular. Everyone hates the French... except for one guy that is..."

"I will repair relations with France," Kerry declared, "I will make all countries like us because I have..." Kerry paused for dramatic effect. "A PLAN! I will crawl on my knees and kiss the feet of all other leaders until America is again respected in the world. I am already popular with foreign leaders, too. Why, I met with a number of them, and hardly any of them kicked me in the groin. Also, some foreign leaders who want to go unnamed say I do not entirely disgust them. And I will keep respect in the world by not doing such things as getting my head stuck in a soda machine."

"I was curious how it worked!" Bush yelled and began to charge Kerry until he remembered the shock collar.

"Let's move on to domestic issues," Gibson stated, "The next question is for Kerry from Bob."

"You've mentioned a lot of spending programs, Senator Kerry; how do you plan to pay for them all?"

"I have a plan for that!" Kerry declared, "I will only tax the wealthiest one or two percent... maybe three percent. And that will pay for all my plans plus a free steak dinner for everyone. Bush wants to give everything to the rich, but I will take everything from them... but just those earning more than $200,000. And, as I can tell by looking at you commoners with your off the rack clothing, none of you will be affected."

"Lies!" Bush yelled, "He'll tax you all! He has two trillion in spending plans, and he can't pay for it by taxing just those making over $200,000. A lot of those people are small businessman, too! He's going to tax all of you and destroy jobs, that stupid Frenchie!"

"You're using fuzzy math for that two trillion dollar number," Kerry responded.

"So how much will your programs cost?" Gibson asked.

"Uh..." Kerry mumbled, "Three trillion... But this idea that small business men are going to be taxed is also a deception! Why, bush got $84 dollars from a timber company which makes him a small businessman by his definition."

Bush furrowed his brow. "I own a timber company? You're smoking crack."

"You're wearing the company jacket right now," Kerry answered.

Bush turned around to see the logo on the back of his jacket that said, "Crazy Dubya's Discount Lumber." "Hey, you're right," Bush exclaimed, "Man, I fall off the wagon for one day and I end up with a timber company."

"Now a question for Bush from Cathy."

"Why won't you let in drugs from Canada?"

"Because who knows what those crazy Canucks are up to," Bush answered, "Them drugs could turn you purple... and they got terrorists running around there like crazy."

"I will let drugs in from Canada and everywhere else," Kerry announced, "and they'll be free, because I have a plan! Plans for free drugs! And all by taxing rich people you don't know or care about."

"The next question is for Kerry from Steve."

"Will you look into the camera and say in clear, unequivocal language that you will not raise taxes on those earning under $200,000?"

Kerry faced the camera. "I will never raise..." He started cracking up. "Let me try again." Kerry faced the camera again. "I will not..." He then started laughing again. "Calm down, Kerry, you can do this," Kerry told himself and then looked to the camera. "I..." He then fell off his stool laughing. "Okay I can't do it."

"He's going to raise your taxes!" Bush shouted, "Just look at his record! He's a liberal and he's voted to raise taxes 82 million separate times." Bush pointed a finger at Kerry. "Liberal! Liberal! Liberal!"

"Don't label me!" Kerry whined, "Bush is just trying to scare you with labels. Oh, and, by the way, Bush want your children to starve, to take away your healthcare, and for you all to die in foreign lands!"

"Liberal! Liberal! Liberal!" Bush responded.

"And now a question for Bush from Jill."

"Would you say you have a good environmental record?"

"No, I hate the environment."

Kerry was silent for a second. "I don't think I have anything to add to that... Oh, yeah: I have a plan!"

"Another question for Kerry, this time from Debbie."

"Since people have been cured by adult stem cells but no one has been cured by embryonic stem cells, is it moral to destroy embryos to try and find cures?"

"Let me tell you, missy, I have met people with Parkinson's disease and they were shaking... SHAKING! And thus I have come to one conclusion... EMBRYOS MUST BE DESTROYED!!! We shall live by feasting on the dead!"

"I respect life more than my evil opponent," Bush said, "That why I allowed funding for only a few stem cell lines."

"Now he's flip-flopping!" Kerry pointed out with a haughty laugh.

"You take that back!" Bush yelled as he charged Kerry and was shocked. "Dammit!"

"The next question is for President Bush from anonymous."

"The Patriot Act is after me, man!" shouted a crazed audience member, "What are you going to do about it?"

"Hey, don't believe all that crazy stuff you read out on the internets about the Patriot Act; it's a great law that helps us catch terrorists. Stupid internets spreading lies!"

"So the government isn’t spying on me?" the audience member asked.

Bush laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far…”

"The Patriot Act needs to be reformed," Kerry answered, "And guess what I have for the Patriot Act?"

"A plan," the audience all said together in a bored tone.

"That is correct!"

"The next question is for Kerry from Elizabeth."

"Will you let tax money go for abortion?"

"Now is a good time as any for me to mention something." Kerry struck a pose. "I served in Vietnam. I am also a Catholic... even though it is true that the pope beat me with his pope staff while his cardinals held me down. Thus, I respect life, but at the same time I can't let my religious beliefs become law. Now, if you make a graph of the number of abortions, convert it to a symbolic equation, take that integral, and watch how what it equals as x approaches infinity, you'll find the answer to your question."

Bush was silent.

"Mr. President, your response," Gibson prompted.

"I'm still trying to decipher that one." Bush was quiet for a few more seconds. "Okay, I give up; let's move on."

"And now a question for President Bush from Lou."

"Why have you never vetoed a spending bill?"

"Because... uh... the good reason that..." Bush looked at his feet. "I lost my veto stamp and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone."

"I will never lose any of my stamps, pens, or staplers!" Kerry declared, "I have a plan! A PLAN!"

"The next question is for Kerry from Donald."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he ran out and started strangling Kerry until security pulled him away.

"Bush planted the Secretary of Defense in the audience so he would strangle me!" Kerry yelled.

"That's crazy," Bush chuckled, "You just don't have enough resolve to answer a simple strangling."

"Well try another questioner," Gibson stated, "This question for Kerry comes from Chomps, the world's angriest undecided voter."

The rottweiler ran onto stage and grabbed Kerry, shaking him vigorously. Finally, security lured the dog away.

"Bush planted an angry dog in the audience so it would attack me!" Kerry accused.

"More crazy liberal talk," Bush laughed, "Kerry just doesn't have enough resolve to answer a simple mauling. The whole notion that I had some evil plans coming into this debate is correct... I mean crazy!"

"Let's move on to closing statements," Gibson said, "Senator Kerry is first."

"I will not let other nations determine our security!" Kerry said adamantly, "I will find the terrorists and kill them! I will destroy all our enemies!"

"I see a 'but' coming," Bush sighed.

"BUT we must make sure we are popular with all other nations and that everyone loves us. Know that I am an optimist... BUT there will be doom... DOOM... if Bush is reelected. Also... I HAVE A PLAN!"

"President Bush, your closing statement.”

"I have one thing to prove my effectiveness," Bush said.

Suddenly the doors to the room burst open, and a long procession of men marched in, each one holding a giant bag.

"Everyone of these bags is filled with skulls of dead terrorists," Bush announced. He then danced about the stage. "Now who is your president?"

The audience cheered.

"We agreed on no props and no cheering!" Kerry yelled, "Why..."

He was cut short as a stool struck him in the head. Kerry then wept, "And you said you'd bolt down the stool so Bush couldn't do that."

"I said lots of things," Gibson answered. He then looked to the camera. "And that concludes today's debate, once again proving that ninety minutes of talking points can be even less informative than a thirty second ad."

"Free skulls for everyone!" Bush announced and tossed skulls into the audience.

"This is grotesque," Kerry said, "Why..." A skull then hit Kerry in the head.

"You get one too."

TO BE CONTINUED AT THE NEXT DEBATE...

It's Sunday, so it's time for more Bible quite from the exclusive Catholic book of Tobit. Hooray!

* * * *

1 The Lord once appeared to Tobit. In His mighty hand was a spear, which He then held out to the humble Tobit. 2 "Take this and hide it somewhere," commandeth the Lord, "and, if anyone comes around asking about Me, say you ain't seen Me."

3 "Am I supposed to deny my lord?" asked Tobit as he accepted the spear. 4 "Why do you have to make things complicated, Tobit?" answered the Lord, "Just say you haven't seen Me in the past day. And stash that spear someplace good or I swear to Me I'll smite ya."

5 "Uh... I will not fail thee, my Lord," Tobit stated as he peered at the spear. 6 "You better not," threatened the Lord, "now all I need is an alibi. Since I'm everywhere at once, I guess that means I always have an alibi... or does that mean I never have an alibi. Whatcha think, Tobit?"

7 "And what exactly is this all about, Almighty?" Tobit queried. 8 "This is not the time for questions, Toby!" the Lord said with a thunderous voice, "Man, I think I hear people coming. You just hide that spear, and I'll handle the rest."

9 "Whatever you command, Lord, it shall be done," Tobit said, "For I am a..." 10 In a flash, though, the Lord was gone as there was a knock at Tobit's door. Tobit dutifully hid the spear, and the Lord got away scott-free.

Actually, no, it isn't.

Anyway, I should have an mp3 of my radio appearnce later this week, and, if you are all good, I'll share it with you.

Hopefully I wasn't as bad as I thought...

Well, I hope I didn't do too poorly. Thanks again to Republican Radio for having me.

Anyway, I have a lot more to say about the debate that I didn't have time to say, and I'll have that analysis here on Monday. For anyone new to IMAO, you can catch some of my previous debate posts here, here, here, and here.

UPDATE: Apparently the internet streaming didn't continue on to the second hour where I appeared. For all those who didn't catch it, I didn't stumble at all and held the audience captivated. Absolutely captivated, I tells ya!

I'm going to be on Republican Radio a bit later today, so, if you're listening on the net, make sure you're setup to hear it (I heard some people had trouble).

It seems Kerry has almost been cured from his unique form of Tourette's syndrome and only mentioned being in Vietnam once (and quite obliquely). I should have done a "I have a plan" count.

Also, I remember four years ago it seemed liked the undecideds were undecided between Gore and Nader, but they were much more balanced this year.

More of my reactions tomorrow on the radio. Catch you then.

Once again, I will be on Republican Radio tomorrow reacting to the debates, probably sometime around the end of their first hour which starts at 1pm ET (10am PT). Either catch me on one of their stations or listen to the internet feed.

Wish me luck, and I'll see you then.

Go read Bill Whittle's essay "Deterrence" and make sure as many other people as you can read it too.

Amelia of Scotty fame sent me some images of what pets do when their masters are away, and I thought one was especially good for a caption contest:

It is time to select what shall be the description for the Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt. I forgot to write down the names of who wrote what, but I have their e-mail somewhere, so I can contact them when needed.

So now vote... and then buy t-shirt!

I'm pretty sure this isn't true at all.

BTW, JibJab has a new hilarious movie "Good to be in DC."

Jonah Goldberg is righteously pissed. Hopefully this editorial will get to the ones it is aimed at.

How many times do you think Kerry will reference having served in Vietnam in tonight's debate?

I'm guessing five times, less than the last since this isn't as foreign policy focused. Then again, Kerry is good at finding extremely convoluted reasons for mentioning being in the military. Anyway, I will have an official count.

What do you think?

Hey, Mr. President, I know you're nervous about tonight's debate, but don't worry; Frank J. is here with advice. Here are tips on how to ensure a win:

* Be cordial to John Kerry. Give him a gift of pink ribbons at the beginning of the debate because I hear he likes to throw ribbons.

* Last time Kerry was orange; this time he may be purple. Ignore it; it's just to throw you off.

* As soon as you get to your podium, write "FOR IRAQ WAR" on one side of a piece of paper in big letters, and then "AGAINST IRAQ WAR" on the other side. Hold up the appropriate side during the debate to help the audience at home keep track of Kerry's current position.

* Instead of grimacing while Kerry is speaking, try making a French-looking face and imitate the haughty mannerisms of Kerry. If you're entertaining enough, no one will even listen to Kerry.

* Remember that you are the president of the United States, and thus demand respect from the people who ask you questions. If you think a question from one of the town hall participants isn't respectful enough, just knock him down and beat him as your response. Remember not to start off too strongly as you have two minutes to fill and you want to use up all your time and not get tired out.

* Don't let the topic stay on namby-pamby issues; remind the audience that there are over five billion foreigners out there - five billion people who are not Americans - and you need a strong leader to keep watch of them all.

* See if you can plant some troops for our coalition members in the audience. Then, if Kerry starts demeaning our allies, a big Aussie could walk up to him and say, "So, mate, you think we're coerced and bribed, do ya? Guess what? I'll kick ya in the down unders for free."

* Bring up the Oil for Food scandal and try to link it to Kerry by saying, "Ends up the whole time Saddam was bribing French-looking people like Senator Kerry - namely THE FRENCH!"

* To show that Kerry is just talk and you get results, have people walk into the debate and dump a pile of dead terrorists on the floor while you announce, "These are the terrorists we killed just today... and the day ain't over yet!" Then turn to Kerry and challenge, "How many terrorists have you killed, flip-waffler!"

* Keep bringing up Kerry's record of twenty years of voting for taxing soldiers who use needed weapon systems... or something like that.

* Also mention how he voted against the first Gulf War. Everyone liked that war.

* If Halliburton comes up, just ignore it. Halliburton has one of their killer attack robot programmed to break through the wall of the room and destroy whoever demeans them anyway.

* If the debate comes to blows, Kerry is now wise to your deadly tiger punch, so instead master the flying dragon kick to use against him.

* Most importantly: Have fun.

* Even more importantly: Trash that mo'fo'.

Want to hear my verdict on the Presidential debate tomorrow night but can't wait until Monday? Well, Saturday I'm going to be on Republican Radio. If you don't get one of their stations, you can listen to them online. I should be on around the end of their first hour, sometime after 1:45PM ET (10:45AM PT).

Better get that sexy radio voice prepared...

I added a button the left sidebar to remind you to register (one vote per registrant) and vote in the Washington Post poll for me as class clown of the blogosphere.

Also, vote for INDCJournal for best inside the beltway blog because Bill kicks ass and Daily "Screw 'em" Kos must lose!

Pat B. writes:
The hordes that use Instant Messengers are well, for the most part ignorant. No, not you, don't worry. But I was curious as to your preferred client? If you answer with "Trillian" I will love you forever (In a manly, respectful way).

What in God's name is Trillian? I use AIM, but I turn it off a lot because people are always using it to IM me which is really annoying. I got stuff to do, people! I don't have time to chat with smiley faces and what not. Sheesh...

lottiedottie writes:
As I was driving through town today, I saw that Democrats had established a campaign center. Here! In my town! I'm so disappointed to know that some of my neighbors might have some of those nasty tendencies. So I am wondering what you would suggest I do to combat this heinous incursion. Would it be appropriate to hire ninjas to break in during the cover of night and steal all their propaganda and leave monkeys to tend the shop? I realize that by doing so I would be inviting evil of another kind into my hometown, but wouldn't this be the lesser of two evils?
P.S. Do you think that it is possible that the Kerry campaign workers are really monkeys in disguise?

As for your P.S., the DNC doesn't disguise their monkeys.

Anyway, having a Democrat infestation can be annoying, but it's no reason for ninja shenanigans. Just go to pest control and have them isolate and spray the place. Any remaining Democrats should be destroyed by stamping.

The Bear writes:
As technically I live in the Dominion of Canada, when is the United States (on orders from Secretary of War Frank J.) going to dominate this country and rid us of our oppressors, the Liberal Party of Canada?

I pride myself in being completely ignorant of the politics in all other countries, so I'm not quite familiar with your problem. By my understanding, Canada basically has a one party system that keeps power through a sham democracy. We in America are quite busy bringing freedom elsewhere, so you may be better off trying to handle things yourself. It's not like your Liberal Party murders dissenters or cut off hands (do they?), so I bet they could be overthrown with a mild (but violent) coup. Why don't you get working on that, and maybe Canada will then be interesting enough to make the news for a change.

Vegesigo from Birmingham, AL writes:
I can understand your general hatred of monkeys, however, I was watching Lion King last night with my daughter and realized that the monkey in it is quite awesome. He is by far the wisest of all of the animals, is a bit mystical, and knows martial arts. What say you on this?

That monkey is the most dangerous of all, as he makes monkeys look cool. This can have horrible monkey influence on your daughter that may be hard to deprogram. Instead, have her watch a monkey-free movie of good American values such as Die Hard.

The All-Powerful LEM writes:
Hey, Frank! I gots a question for you.

Good. Otherwise you'd be wasting my time.

If I were to convert an automatic baseball pitching machine into a ninja-star throwing Assembly of Death, would the U.S. government buy the patent from me? Since you’re so smart and worldly, I bet you have better judgement on matters like this than I do.

If you don't think the government already has a machine to automatically throw ninja-stars, you're a fool. A FOOL!

Their device can throw knives, rocks, and hamsters too.

Sorry to shatter your dream, but, if you break into government buildings and read their secret weapons files, you could save yourself a lot of time in the future.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

...the notion that porcupines have painful spikes is a myth, so hug one today; they're squeezably soft.

...that if all of Michael Moore's flatulence was converted into energy, whoever had to do it would be the angriest man in America.

...John Edwards keeps his hair so lustrous by washing it with the blood of the innocent.

What should Bush do in tomorrow's debate to regain his momentum?

I think he should punch Kerry through the chest, rip out his still beating heart, and show it to Kerry just before he dies. Then everyone around the world would be like, "Holy @$%&!"

And it would be so cool.

What do you think?

Previous Episode

* * * *

"And now we go to our round table," Brit Hume announced, "Mara Liasson of National Public Radio, Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard, and Mort Kondracke of Roll Call, FOX News contributors all. Of course, our subject is the Vice Presidential debate."

"Slam dunk for John Edwards, no question," Barnes stated.

"I dunno, seemed more like a body slam to me," Kondracke said.

"I'm not really an expert on this sort of thing, but it looked like a pile driver," Liasson commented.

"But we all agree, that, whether it was a slam dunk, a body slam, or a pile driver," Hume said, "Edwards's head was driven through the table at great force after Cheney grabbed him."

"And I think Cheney made his point," Barnes stated, "Contrasting strong leadership with weak furniture."

"You have to give points to Edwards for how he handled it, though," Liasson commented, "He took the attack quietly... much unlike his earlier crying."

"I think that was because he was unconscious," Kondracke said.

"What about the crying?" Hume asked, "Each time Cheney made an attack on Edwards's or Kerry's record, Edwards broke down crying. How do you think the voters will react to that?"

"I think people will sympathize with him," Liasson stated, "Cheney is a very scary man."

"I disagree," Kondracke said, "He made him look weak and, frankly, not presidential."

"Let's face it," Barnes exclaimed, "This was Bambi versus Godzilla. You wanted to avert your gaze from the slaughter, but you couldn't stop staring from morbid curiosity."

"Edwards made a few good points, though," Liasson declared, "between the whimpering that is."

"But the whole venue was set against Edwards," Kondracke said, "especially how there was no rule to keep Cheney from thumping Edwards in the head."

"Which was inappropriate and made Cheney look mean," Liasson stated.

"On the contrary, I think Cheney looked calm and professional while he beat up Edwards," Barnes said, "Even after breaking the table with Edwards's head during his closing statement, Cheney then just fixed his tie and continued talking for the last twenty seconds like nothing strange happened."

"He was quite calm," Kondracke agreed, "Almost sedated."

"A sedated Godzilla," Hume suggested.

"And that's what people want now in this war on terror," Barnes said, "A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island, not some guy who got beat up in kindergarten."

"I think Edwards's toughness as a child is hardly the issue," Liasson responded.

"I mean last week," Barnes stated, "He visited a school, and the kindergarteners knocked him down and beat the crap out of him."

"Let's move on to Bush's speech," Hume said, "Do you think it gives any clue to his strategy for the Friday debate?"

"He is clearly trying to build off the momentum Cheney made," Kondracke stated.

"And he certainly hinted at something to come," Barnes commented.

"I believe you're referring to this statement," Hume said.

The screen showed Bush standing at his podium. "I have plans for the next debate," he stated, "Secret, evil plans. Muh ha ha ha!"

"Knowing Bush's record, I'd be worried that he might hurt himself with his evil plans," Liasson commented.

"His crazy schemes do usually backfire with hilarious consequences," Kondracke said.

"I guess we'll all be watching then to see what happens," Brit Hume stated and then looked to the camera, "Remember to tune in Friday to FOX News for complete debate coverage, body slams, pile drivers, and all."

TO BE CONTINUED...

With ninja stars, dual .45s, and... well, I don't want to spoil it all, but this flash animation has everything! (including profanity, so be warned)

Thanks to reader R. Czigan for pointing me to it.

UPDATE: Maybe you're supposed to go here, go to browse (under "stuff"), swf, and then bob_the_ball.swf

Also, RightWingDuck has a tribute to Rodney Dangerfield that couldn't be more fitting. Make sure to check it out.

The time for submitting to the contest is over. I'll pick my favorite five and you'll get to vote on them Friday.

Bill Whittle has returned with a new essay. As always, haven't had a chance to read it yet, but, if history is any evidence, it is well worth your time. Here's the first paragraph:

Watching the Presidential debates of October 1st, and the subsequent reactions to them, has left me once again with the sad realization that there are many millions of people who prefer a man who says the wrong things well over one who says the right things badly – and in the case of the first debates we are talking about saying very, very stupid things well and intelligent things very, very badly.

I'll get to reading it soon; you should make some time yourself.

An important thing - especially for us humor writers - is not our own opinion about something, but what's the conventional wisdom (CW for short) on the subject. As a service, I thought I'd sum up all the conventional wisdom on the VP debate.

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM ON THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

* Cheney performed well in the debate and helped stopped Kerry's momentum from the first presidential debate.

* Cheney did better in the first half (the foreign policy part of the debate) than the second half, but that half was more important.

* Gwen Ifill did a good job as moderator, but the part where they weren’t allowed to say their running mate’s name was a little odd.

* By putting Kerry's senate record out on the table again, Cheney really helped the Bush campaign.

* Though Cheney made Edwards look like a little scrappy schoolboy, Edwards's hair was shiny.

* Cheney showed he wasn't the mean ogre the Democrats liked to portray him as by not lifting Edwards over his head and snapping him in two - something Cheney could easily do since his bionic heart gives him ten times the strength of the average man.

* The debate proved once and for all that Edwards is, in fact, a homosexual.

* There is nothing wrong with that.

* When Edwards tearfully ran to his wife after the debate ended, the words he mouthed to her were, "Mommy!"

* The might of the evil Halliburton corporation that backed Cheney was stronger than the might of Satan that backs all trial lawyers.

* When Edwards's dad said he was watching to TV to learn to do math, he was just covering up to his son that he was actually watching porn.

* The monkeys running around the stage showed that Cleveland has poor pest control.

* When Cheney's criticism of the Kerry/Edwards campaign became quite sharp, it was considered quite childish how Edwards tried to hide under his suit jacket.

* Though Cheney scored points against Edwards by pointing out his poor attendance record at the Senate and how Edwards had no penis, this helped little since the main target should have been Kerry.

I forgot I had a Chomps theme song. I should do something with that again...

I already said my opinion on the VP debate.

What do you think?

UPDATE: Michelle Malkin has some good analysis with links to more bloggers' takes on the debate.

As we all know from the media, Cheney serves his master the corporation Halliburton, the most evil corporation there is. Thus I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about Halliburton, and I even checked out the FactCheck.org site Cheney mentioned (my sister was the first one to tell me about that site; good silly sister). Here are the goods:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.

* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.

* In the 80's, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.

* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.

* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.

* Remember when you didn't get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!

* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they're constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.

* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.

* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!

* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.

* Halliburton holds the patents on strife, suffering, genocide, and pure evil.

* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).

* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!

* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it's also run by jooooos!

* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient, it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.

* Halliburton has done business with America's sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.

* It's in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.

Cheney for president!

The debate was like an experienced statesman - Cheney for instance - against Scrappy Doo.

Well, I hope Bush does better than last time on Friday, or it's fist shaking time!

BTW, like I said I would, I did play a computer game while watching this debate. It was Far Cry, and I killed many people while sneaking through the jungle listening to Cheney verbally pound the little trial lawyer.

Did I star in a move called Gun Crazy? Frankly, I can't remember what I was doing in the 40's...

You may have noticed the new ad with Ann Coulter, and, if you didn't, I'm doing something wrong. That's my extra special ad space. Also, I forgot to mention the return of JC T-Shirts with the new shark-eat-shark shirt. Check them out and all my other ads.

There is some misunderstanding on my Blog Ads. I don't receive money for each click or if they sell merchandise. They are buying ad space from me the same as buying ad space in a magazine. That said, since they were all nice enough to be my sponsors, I think you owe checking out each of my advertisers at least once -a small price for free ice cream.

You now have only 24 hours left to enter the contest and win a free Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt.

You enter now! Also, you buy all other t-shirts!

Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists is almost gone, so you buy before you not have one and be sad and cry like Nancy Kerrigan. And then I laugh at you!

Ha! No shirt for you!

Buy now!

This sounds... uh... interesting.

Turkeyhead asks:
Is it true that nougat can be chemically altered into symtex with the use of specific enzymes from monkey spit? Is that why they don't sell Mars® bars at zoos, because that would make the monkey doodie highly explosive?

That's only half true.

Noah, aka Tsymyn, writes:
During the Cold War, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, there were many sightings of UFOs over the White House and the Kremlin, leading many to speculate that alien ambassadors had visited both superpowers, preventing a nuclear holocaust. If there is a race of compassionate aliens determined to avert horrible disasters on earth, will they prevent the potential upcoming downfall of the United States of America by A. Restoring sanity to liberals with their mind rays, thereby making them conservatives who will vote for Bush, or B. Vaporizing Kerry with their precision death rays?

U.S. policy has always been to immediately kill any aliens and give them an autopsy while poorly filming it. If the aliens are going to have any effect on the election, it will be while their organs reside in individual, marked jars.

El Jefe writes:
Since Virginia is an open-carry state now, how should I go about wearing my .45 while shooting pool? Hip or shoulder holster? You know, just in case someone starts crying, "Foul!" when it really wasn't a foul and I don't want to give the liberal cry-baby hippy-tard ball-in-hand.

First off, shoulder holsters with a horizontal draw are just rude in an open carry situation, as your gun will be pointing at anyone behind you. Also, any shoulder holster is likely to get in the way while playing pool, making that foul more likely. I recommend to go with the tried and true hip holster.

Remember: By Virginia law, you can only legally pistol whip hippies for the offense you mentioned.

Connie du Toit asks:
Why does the Pope wear a fabric covered KFC chicken bucket on his head?

I'm tired of all the ignorance about the Catholic faith out there. There's a book, Catechism of the Catholic Church, that has everything spelled out for those interested, but no one bothers.

Anyway, the KFC chicken bucket hat harkens back to how Jesus fed thousands after his sermon on the mount from one bucket of chicken. It's covered with fabric so the KFC logo isn't seen thus keeping the Catholic Church free from corporate sponsors.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Vice President John Garner was to have said of the Vice Presidency:

An office not worth a bucket of warm spit.

So, what is the Vice Presidential Debate worth then?

I think it's not worth staying up to watch.

What do you think?

 Some countries should have nuclear weapons, such as America. Then... well, that's about it, but I guess it's okay the British have some, and I don't mind much that India and Pakistan have them as long as they just keep them pointed at each other. But know who shouldn't have nuclear weapons? Iran, North Korea, and children.

 Iran, North Korea, and children just can't be trusted with the responsibility nuclear weapons entail. Nuclear weapons can kill millions and put the world into the deadliest war in history, but we can't trust that Iran, North Korea, and children will be rational enough to understand that.

 Also, look at the history of Iran, North Korea, and children; they often have been reckless with their possessions in the past, and it wouldn't be too surprising if Iran, North Korea, or children misplaced their nuclear weapons such that they ended up in the hands of terrorists. Sure we could scold them afterwards, but the damage would be done. That's why we need to keep Iran, North Korea, and children from getting nuclear weapons in the first place.

 Iran, North Korea, and children probably won't accept this ruling and throw tantrums saying they should be able to have nuclear weapons too. It's best to just ignore them when they act like that. But, we need to keep a constant eye on Iran, North Korea, and children because they are likely to disobey us if they think we aren't looking. Perhaps we can motivate them by saying if they're good we'll make trade agreements, loosen sanctions, and give them cookies, things that Iran, North Korea, and children want.

 It will take a stern hand to keep Iran, North Korea, and children in line, but the consequences of any of them getting nuclear weapons is too much for the world to bear. It's best we keep nuclear weapons up on a refrigerator or underground in a reinforced, concrete silo where Iran, North Korea, and children can't reach them. If they still persist, then harder actions must be taken. As the old saying goes, "Spare the rod, spoil the Iran, North Korea, or child."

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Monkey Was Dead When I Got Here" and "My Lord, Art is Boring!"

Iowa Hawk puts me to shame with his latest satire. I shall now go sit in the corner... in shame!

Look at this quote of John Kerry from this article:

But I can do a better job of protecting America's security because the test that I was talking about was a test of legitimacy, not just in the globe, but elsewhere.

Elsewhere than the globe! Now aliens wielding anal probes get a say in our foreign policy!

Is there anyone - or thing - Kerry won't pander to?

Have you gotten your Chomps t-shirt yet?

Well, there is a new t-shirt for you, Know Thy Enemy: Liberals!

The only problem is that I need a description to go on the t-shirt page (check out the one for Terrorists and the French for examples). So it is time for a...

CONTEST!

I need you to express how horrible liberals are and why one needs this shirt to defend against them in one hundred words or less. You'll have 48 hours from the time of this post to send me your entry (one entry per person) by e-mailing me with the subject "Liberals Bad!" I'll pick my five favorite, and then you'll all get to vote on them. Winner gets immortality for his or her description going up on the sales page and a free Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt!

You enter now! You buy t-shirt now! You buy all IMAO t-shirts!

Hooray!

UPDATE: Deadline to submite has passed. I'll pick my five favorite and put them to a vote Friday.

I got huge news and...

::PANT::

I gotta catch my breath. I'll tell you in a second.

Kerry mentioned a "global test" during Thursday debates, so I sent my crack research staff to find out what that could be. Ends up, it's freely available from the U.N. Here it is:

THE GLOBAL TEST FOR PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
Brought to you by your local U.N.

Please answer these questions with a "yes" or "no" in regards to your proposed preemptive strike.

* Is this action needed to protect your nation from an imminent threat?

* Have you considered all other courses of action?

* Will the U.N. actually have to do anything other than talk?

* Will this financially benefit France?

* Does Communist China think it’s a good idea?

* Do all Communist nations think it's a good idea?

* Even Cuba?

* Can you wait for at least 18 months of pointless U.N. debate before acting?

* Will this in no way help Israel?

* Will this interfere with any current kickback programs at the U.N.?

* Will this in no way anger any Muslims?

* Did you obtain the permission of the country you plan to invade?

If you answered "yes" to all these questions, then you will be allowed to do a preemptive strike after you allow for the debate, fill out an ecological impact form, and grease all the right palms. Thank you for supporting your local U.N. and have a peaceful, globally popular day.

The Peace Gallery has been updated with new members Iowasoccermom, Red Mist, Krakatoa, IMAO T-Shirt Babe runners up the Berkeley Girls, and a new addition to the Chomps page.

Hooray for peace!

Is there anything Cheney can do in his debate tomorrow to help Bush regain (or hold on to - considering the poll you check) his lead?

Me, I doubt it, but I think Cheney should rough up pretty boy Edwards and it will make some good TV.

What do you think?

Previous Episode

* * * *

"Scott, keep a look out, okay," Bush said as he snuck around Kerry's house.

"AHH!" Scott McClellan screamed as he rolled around while three dobermans were biting him, "His guard dogs are attacking me!"

"Good. Keep them distracted." Bush then worked on the plumbing.

* * * *

"Jeeves!" Kerry yelled as he came out of his shower, "I'm orange!"

"That you are, sir," Kerry's butler replied.

"It must be that Bush!" Kerry yelled, "Well, I'll just have to come up with some ridiculous story about how I got tanned while playing touch football at Harvard." Kerry shuddered. "People touched me during that game... some of them common folk. Well, I'll show Bush what's what at the debates!"

* * * *

"Heh heh. Looking a little orange," Bush quipped as he stood behind his podium.

"You'll get your comeuppance!" Kerry proclaimed.

"Please, sirs," Jim Lehrer interrupted, "We agreed that there would be no pre-debate banter. Now, by toss of coin, the first question goes to Kerry: Why are you so orange?"

"That's just a distraction," Kerry answered, "Just like Iraq is a distraction - a diversion you might say - from the real war on terror. Bush has botched that, but I have real plan... tons of plans... plans so good I won't even tell you them because you might steal them... to win the war for good."

"Bush, your response," Lehrer prompted.

A glass of water struck Kerry in the face.

"A verbal response," Lehrer clarified.

"Oh, well... uh... Kerry is a goober. He can't scare terrorists... not even small children. I can scare children, though. It's hard work, but I have the vision to spread liberty and... There's lights! What's happening?"

"Those are to inform you how much time you have left," Lehrer explained.

"Oh, I get it. Anyhoo, terrorists are dying, so everyone be happy."

"The next question is for Mr. Bush: Is there anything about the Iraq war you think you did wrong?"

"No, I did everything right. It was Iraq that was wrong, not having WMDs and what not. We had good intelligence that they did have WMDs, but they weren't keeping up their end. Anyway, terrorists are dying. How many terrorists has Kerry killed? None!"

"Mr. Kerry, your response."

"I would first like to mention that I served in Vietnam and that relates somehow to this. I would also like to say I am resolved. I will take down terrorists and even - as you say – ‘kill’ them. Furthermore..."

"Green light!" Bush shouted and then tackled Kerry.

"You agreed on no physical violence," Lehrer said.

"But I thought that's what the light signaled," Bush stated as he got back up.

"I just explained to you they signaled the time left," Lehrer told Bush with annoyance.

"And I wasn't listening."

"Mr. Kerry, you may continue."

"As I was saying, the real terrorists are Al Qaeda, and the war in Iraq was a mistake."

"Next question is for Kerry: Are soldiers dying in Iraq for a mistake?"

"No, it was not a mistake," Kerry answered, "and..."

"He just flip-flopped!" Bush shouted, "Didn't you see him?"

"It's not your turn, Mr. Bush," Lehrer answered, "Mr. Kerry, please continue."

"We need to give our troops the support they need. Why, just the other day, I ran into some of our troops. The one who didn't spit at me said... Hey! Why is the light already red! Bush is playing with my lights!"

Bush hid an object behind his back. "No I'm not."

"Bush, your response."

The remote control for the lights then struck Kerry in the head.

"Dammit! I should have held on to that," Bush exclaimed.

"Next question is for Mr. Bush. Will you still consider preemptive strikes in the future?"

"Hells yeah, they're fun!" Bush answered, "Why, reminds me of back in the day, if I knew someone was going to pick a fight with me in school, I'd punch him in the nose and run away really quick. Solved lots of problems doing that."

"Mr. Kerry, your response."

"I'm for preemptive wars if they're for the interest of the nation, but you have to pass a global test."

"What the..." Bush swore.

"It looks like Bush has more to say," Lehrer stated, "So we'll have a one minute extension."

"There is not a global test!" Bush yelled, "If there were any tests, I never would have ran for the presidency. I hate tests."

"Mr. Kerry."

"You see..."

"Green light!" Bush yelled and then tackled Kerry.

* * * *

"A disaster," Cheney proclaimed.

"Despite his girlish screams each time you tackled him," Condi told Bush, "The majority opinion is that Kerry looked presidential."

"Doooooom!" Karl Rove shouted as he emerged from the shadows.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "Doom is bad!"

"You must now destroy the one known as Kerry or there will be dooooom!" Rove said.

"We'll just have Cheney do well in his debate," Bush said.

"No one cares about the Vice Presidential debate," Cheney answered, "I'm not even prepping for it. I just plan on grabbing that pretty boy Edwards by the neck, lift him in the air, and shake him until he is dead. Perfect place to kill him, as there will be no witnesses."

"Even the 24 hour news channels aren't carrying the Vice Presidential Debate," Condi said, "They're having reruns of Sanford and Son instead."

"Then I'll just have to do extra, super better in my next debate," Bush said. He then spotted Rumsfeld marking a map of the world with Xs for each country he considered a threat. "I have an idea."

TO BE CONTINUED...

It's Sunday, so it's time for Bible study. In the Catholic Bible, there are some books that the other Christian Bibles don't include, so I thought it would be educational for all to quote some from one of them. Let's read The Book of Tobit together and meditate on it.

* * * *

1 This book tells the story of Tobit, son of Tobiel, son of Hannaniel, son of Aduel, son of Gabael of the family Asiel, of the tribe Naphtali, 2 who during the reign of Shalmaneser, king of Assyria, was a devoted servant to the Lord.

3 One day the Lord called unto Tobit, "Young Tobit, I call thee." 4 And Tobit did say, "Yes, Lord, I am here and always your willing servant. Though times may be hard, I shall always..."

5 "Yeah, yeah," interrupted the Lord, "That is all well and good, but don't touch My stuff." 6 And Tobit did reply, "I am sorry, Lord, but Your words are a mystery to me." 7 Then the Lord did sayeth, "My stuff, in that box over there labeled 'God's Stuff''... Don't touch it! Capisce?"

8 Tobit did say, "The Lord does not have to worry about the devotion of Tobit. I will never think of touching Your... uh... stuff." 9 "Don't give me that!" commandeth the Lord, "I saw you looking at My stuff!" 10 "I'm sorry, Lord," Tobit said, his eyes towards the ground, "I am but mortal and cannot help but wonder what lies in the box that is grand that the Lord Himself would call it 'God's Stuff.'"

11 "That's My business," the Lord did reply, "Now stay out of it. I don't want you or anyone else getting their grubby hands on My stuff." 12 "Then it shall be the job of humble Tobit to see to it that no one touches the things of the Lord," Tobit proclaimed, "From this day forward, none shall even come near..."

13 "Whatever," the Lord did interrupt again, "Just don't touch My stuff and we're cool." 14 Thus Tobit held back his curiosity and fought off all others such that God's stuff would go unmolested.

If you're using a plural pronoun, and God is one of those referred to by it, is it still capitalized?

E.g., when speaking of God, "Yeah, we're good."

I'm torn on this one. I want to capitalize out of deference to God, but capitalizing a pronoun that includes me seem like I'm sponging off of God's glory.

What do you think?

Well, I think the debate review is a one time thing; next time I'm not taking notes and I'm going to play a computer game while it's on.

Anyway, I have a neat post tomorrow I was going to do last week if it weren't for the hurricane. Then, there is a contest announcement Monday.

Later, ronin.

Since it looks like Mt. Saint Helens is going to erupt again, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about volcanoes. Here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES

* Volcanoes are like mountains... but with a gooey center!

* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava... or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.

* Lava is molten rock. You have to heat rock pretty high to melt it. Like, my oven can get pretty hot, but I still couldn't melt a rock... and I touched the rock that wasn't melted as was like, "Ow!" That's hot!

* Where lava comes from within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you'll hit hot magma. And then China.

* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.

* Why is it so hot in the earth as to melt rock? I have no idea. Seems like someone must be doing something crazy down there. We better find out who... or what!

* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can't just drive away from the slowly moving magma.

* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I'd go to Mount Everest and be like, "Bitch, you ain't the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don't happen to be partially under water, foo'!"

* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.

* You can also use up a volcano's lava supply by causing a bunch of volcanoes around it to go off. Ha!

* You could also try throwing some ice in it. Wouldn't hurt.

* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.

* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.

* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the results of the fight wouldn't be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman's remains are unearthed from the rock.

* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.

* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge… unless it has railing.

* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always asking for more money.

Wow! Wasn't that hella boring? I feel like I should get a purple heart just for watching it.

Let's recap it for all those fortunate enough not to watch. It was a Jim Lehrer style debate (the most popular style) where Jim Lehrer made all the questions. There were two minutes for an answer, ninety seconds for a rebuttal, and there could be one minute overtime with thirty seconds for each.

And there were lights! Green lights means thirty seconds left, 15 seconds for yellow, and five seconds for red. Plus, the audience was instructed to be as silent as the grave.

Now, I did watch the entire debate, but ADD made sure I didn't quite listen to it all. So, when I got super bored, I made some observations on their body language. Kerry would make big motions like placing one hand or both hands folded over his chest. Then he'd do ninja chops in the air to make a point. Sometimes, he'd lift one hand and hold it up like he was pinching something? What was he thinking he was pinching? A wad of his wife's money? A new purple heart? I dunno.

Bush made smaller motions, except when he was making a big point about freedom. Then he'd pound the podium like it was an evil terrorist. He also stumbled in speech more than Kerry, but he'd always be solid when making his main point. And then he'd pound the hell out of that podium!

Also, I noticed how each would make notes while the other was speaking. What were they writing! Well, I have some contacts (the less said the better) and obtained copies of some of those notes.

Kerry Notes
Bush Notes

Anyway, on to the debate!

Question 1 to Kerry: Do you believe you can do a better job than Bush about preventing terror?

Kerry started out by wasting time thanking everyone including Jim and Florida. He then admitted Bush loves his country - something a lot of left-wing crazies would dispute. He then said he wants strong alliances, and at that point I noticed he was not so orange. He said he has a better plan to strengthen everything and will isolate bad people.

He did not share with us that plan. What's your plan, jack?

He also said he would have summit in Iraq. Summits must be important. Why aren't you summiting, Bush?

Bush responded by saying that 9/11 changed the world (like, duh). He also said 75% of al Qaeda leaders were brought to justice (read "killed). Also, 10 million registered to vote in Afghanistan (but if they're anything like us, that means about 300 will actually vote).

Question 2 to Bush: Do you believe the election of Kerry will increase terrorism?

Bush just said that Kerry won't win (artful dodge). He said it was his duty to stop evil. And he wouldn't waver (implying that Kerry is a bad flip flop man). He then said he would spread liberty like creamy Skippy peanut butter (was he paid for a product placement). Then he said we must not lose our will to fight (which implicitly would happen with French-looking man).

Kerry responded saying he will hunt down and kill terrorists (now that is presidential sounding). He then said Iraq diverts attention - fighting words! Listed everyone who is in the military who supports him (everyone except who served with him in 'nam).

Question 3 to Kerry: What colossal misjudgments did Bush makes?

Kerry starts with a phony laugh. Not true alliance, he said. Didn't exhaust U.N.’s endless ability to talk about things. At this point, he seemed to get more orange, but that may have just been my TV. He now mentions being in combat! (start your "I served in Vietnam" counters) Claimed Bush didn't use war as last resort. Keeps saying 90%, but I keep missing about what. Kerry then said prescription drugs for seniors are in Iraq. Then he complains about too much opium (for drugs, then against drugs - flip flop!).

Bush said he agrees with what Kerry said before (Ha! You flip-flopper!). Bush said he went to the U.N. all by himself because he's a bug boy. He hoped free world wouldn't be a bunch of douches (my words). He then said Kerry has a September 10th mentality (fighting words!). Ended with saying the world is safer without Saddam.

Questions 4 to Bush: What about priorities of Saddam versus Osama?

Bush talked about how strong his alliances are. Not just one focus to war on terror (both kept mixing up Saddam and Osama and then correcting themselves). Pounded his podium when he said Saddam is important to war on terror. Take than, podium! He said the biggest disaster is not succeeding in Iraq. He said Allawi doesn't want mixed signals and there will be elections in January. More pounding.

Kerry responded by saying Iraq was not close to center of terror until invaded (more fighting words!). Said Bush had no plan to win peace (yawn; only heard that a million times). He complains about lack of equipment he voted against. Keeps saying how more troops are killed each month, and he will send more troops (to be killed?).

One minute extension!

Bush said Kerry voted for war and then said wrong war, wrong time, wrong place.

Kerry responded with, "I am steadfast!"

One minute extensions are exciting!

Questions 5 to Kerry: I missed this questions because my attention faded while Kerry was speaking.

Kerry's answer to whatever the question was that it was a mixed message to help Iraq but not help homeland (changing subject to domestic front). Said we need more inspections at home (what's with him and extensions?). He said Bush thought it more important give wealthy tax cut than secure people. Then he started talking about... Soviet Union?!

Bush responded by saying that what Kerry wants will mean more taxes (people hate more taxes). Bush said he tripled homeland budget. Bush said best way to protect is to stay on the offense (good podium pounding line).

One minute extension!

Kerry said there are thousands of hours unlistened to tapes at FBI! (maybe they're Hootie and the Blowfish tapes)

Bush responded with saying of course I do everything I can for homeland (he does live there). He again mentions offense.

Question 6 to Bush: When will you bring troops home from Iraq?

Bush said we must train Iraqis (sit, heel, stay!). They must want to take matters in their own hands. Will not bring troops home for sake of bringing them home. Will bring them home when generals and ambassador says Iraqis are ready to do stuff themselves. Won't put artificial deadline. Claims Kerry said six months. Said free Iraq help secures Israel (and jooos!). He said its essential for security of country.

Kerry thanks troops, promises tp help them (but troops hate him). Said something about a rope line? Claims some troops told Kerry they needed his help (Who? They better not let other troops find out) Kerry said something about not guarding some place to find WMD's (there were WMD's?). Mentions serving again in oblique way ("I served in Vietnam count" now 2).

One minute extension!

Bush said sending bad message no help. Now mentions Kerry voting against $87 billion (take that!).

Kerry said he made mistake in talking about war while the president made mistake in invading Iraq (touché!). Now mentions Vietnam specifically (count at 3).

Question 7 for Kerry: Are Americans dying for a mistake? (Lehrer mentions Vietnam; don't know if you want to do a count for him)

Kerry said it was no mistake (just a diversion and created more terror, but not a mistake?) Now he claims he wants to win this war. Says we didn't plan or go with allies (what's he smoking?). He had trouble saying terrorism during this answer; don't know what to think about that. Then he was real boring until he mentioned evil evil Halliburton getting spoils of war.

Bush said that was all totally absurd. Said we can't build alliance and denigrate our friends... then he imitates Kerry: "Please join us in Iraq for a grand diversion. It's a wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, so hop in!" He then says Kerry's core convictions change (hitting him hard now - almost as hard as podium!). He then says lots of names I can't spell (Kerry was doing it too).

One minute extension!

Kerry said, "Blah blah blah!" (okay, I was formatting my notes and missed what was said)

Bush then gets angry at Kerry denigrating allies. Bush says coalition remains strong when he is president (Kerry weak!).

Question 8 to Bush: Was it all a miscalculation?

Bush said that enemies were such pansies they laid down arms too quickly. Didn't stay and fight like we thought. Mentions how he knows about all the casualties from morning briefings and from... watching TV? (he actually watches this crap?) Said we can't give mixed signals (now both used that phrase). Then claimed our friends the Muslims in the Middle East are helping.

Kerry would do things different way (what way, he won't say?). Says coalition not genuine. Now I notice he's wearing a flag pin, but that won't fool us! He then mentions North Korea has nuclear weapons. Claims he'll change that some how (with ketchup money, maybe).

Question 9 to Kerry: Did Bush not tell truth about Iraq?

Kerry says he never said Bush lied... he only implied. Not "candid" is Kerry's nuanced way of saying it. Mentions that whole Nigeria nuclear material mess, Says our coalition is not good enough (needs France!). Mentions again we didn't go to war as last resort. He says knows how to bring people back to table (by coercing and bribing them, maybe?). Says we need to be smarter about war on terror. He then invokes the name of Ronald Reagan!

Bush says Osama doesn't get to decided what we do, and we can't have not attacked Iraq to keep Osama off them. Says Kerry wasn't misleading, so he wasn't (flip-flopper). Says ss politics change, Kerry's positions change (super flip flopper!). Then says how they both saw same intelligence.

One minute extension!

Kerry demands stronger alliance. Kerry claims he had only one position on Iraq (pause for laughter). Said there is a right way to disarm him and wrong... but doesn't explain.

Bush says, "Kerry is only consistent at being inconsistent" but totally botched the line which should be a soundbite.

Questions 10 to Bush: Was it worth 1052 lives?

Bush talks about telling a widow that her husband's sacrifice was noble and worthy. Then said Must deal with threats before they materialize. Mentions spreading freedom (must be his catch phrase). Says Iraq will set a powerful example.

Kerry mentions losing people in combat (4). Reminds him of his thinking when coming back from Vietnam (5). Has one more sentence about Vietnam (6), but my eyes glazed over. Says outcome of wrong war at wrong place at wrong time must honor nobility. Mentions summits again - he sure likes his summits. Now he tells us where all his plans are - at his website! You're not fooling me, Kerry! It's going to give me spyware and load by bookmarks with porn sites!

One minute extension!

Bush keeps mentioning how Kerry said wrong war, wrong place, wrong time. Says Iraq not diversion. Blah blah.

I'm really getting bored at this point.

Kerry mentions Powell and talks about the Pottery Barn rule (now we know where he shops). Says Iraq is a mistake, but we must fix it. Claims soldiers know the war is not right. I thought soldiers shunned him.

Question 11 to Kerry: What are your specifics for ending military involvement in Iraq? (can't just mention webpage)

Kerry says he didn't say would bring troops out in six months, and then goes on about his plan to bring troops out in six months. Now he makes wacky left implication that Bush is only interested in oil? Doesn't want permanent bases in Iraq and wants rapid training of Iraqis (no special classes).

Bush says we already trained like 100,000 troops, and it is hard work because people keep trying to blow us up. Then he got all on Kerry for his "Change dynamics on the ground" line. Mentions how Kerry questioned credibility of Allawi. Said he's like puppet. Then says we must have a consistent messages. (I'm noticing a theme)

One minute extension!

Kerry says Bush hasn't shown how to do it right way. Quotes Allawi (now he listens to him!).

Bush says free Iraq is major defeat for terrorists. Says he will win war in Iraq (which implies mission not accomplished).

Question 12 for Bush: Does Iraq make more like or less likely another preemptive war?

Bush says it's a solemn (not happy-fun) duty to protect American people. Says the president must "Speak clearly," which really opens himself up for a joke. Said we would "Rue the day!" if we just kept up U.N. inspections. Says president must send message that we mean what we say (Kerry no mean what he say!). Says Libya made good example of how other countries should cower in fear.

Kerry says Saddam didn't attack us; Osama attacked us (well, duh). Says we outsourced finding Osama to Afghan warlords (there the Democrats go on about outsourcing again; I wonder if we can have India find Osama?). Says al Qaeda now has stronger recruits. Said Saddam would not be stronger even if we didn't do war.

One minute extension!

Bush, "I know who to attacked us!" Said no sanctions would help and that's a significance difference of opinion.

Kerry says everyone else is more dangerous than Saddam; why we no attack them (why not?).

Question 13 to Kerry: Would you do a preemptive war?

Kerry said he would, but we must pass "global test" (what the f...). Must prove to world we did it for legitimate reasons (screw the world, I say!). Then he mentions how Kennedy was trusted by some French guy. Kerry says he will watch ball (not good at catching it though). He mentions the global warming treaty, which is totally far from the ball, dingus.

Bush is like, "Pass global test? What does that mean, bitch?" Bush says he wouldn't join international criminal court just to be popular... unlike a certain French-looking senator.

Question 14 to Bush: Do you believe sanctions can take on Norks and Iran?

Bush is like, yeah, sure it can. Says how he got China in on talks and China has more influence on Norks (they're also Commie). Says he hopes to work with world to make Iranian mullahs abandon nukes. Mentions the IEA, but I don't know what that is.

Kerry said Brits, Frogs, and Krauts are handling Iran themselves. Need to check if Iran was looking into nuclear stuff for peaceful purposes (yeah, right). For Norks, said we had people in North Korea and knew where fuel rods were (he kept mentioning Powell; are they friends).

One minute extension!

Kerry says he wants both multi and uni talks! He wants it all!

Bush doesn't want to talk to poofy air himself.

Question 15 to Kerry: What about Sudan?

Kerry talks about Iran again. Blah blah. Wants to press for action! Go through African union! Says are troops are overextended and there is a backdoor draft! (close backdoor, then no draft) Says he will add two active duty something or other to army. Says he may use forces so there is not another Rwanda.

Bush also talks about Iran. Agrees Sudan is genocide. Won't commit troops. Says same as Liberia. Use African Union (what is that?).

Quesiont 16 to Bush: Are there major character differences between him and Kerry?

Bush says that's a, "Loaded question." Only laughter of night. Says he admires Kerry's service to country, and that he's a great dad (but have you seen what his daughter wears?). Admires how Kerry served for 20 years in Senate.. but not his record there. Now he mentions Kerry's changing positions on war in Iraq (but Kerry said he only had one view). Mentions mixed messages and need for certainty again.

Kerry returns the personal comments. They have a little friendly banter. He mentions Bush's wife (Bush didn't mention his freak show). On the issue of certainty, Kerry says you can be certain and wrong! Certainty is evil! "I use new facts!" Now mentions stem cells and global warming (dingus).

One minute extension!

Bush says he will change tactics, but not core values. Can't wilt under pressure.

Kerry said he never wilted or wavered in his life (just some SOB secret service agent made it look that way). Says we need to disarm Osama (Osama does always have an AK-47 near him in his videos). Says we need to go to U.N. (to poop on it! - that's me).

Question 17 to Kerry: Single something or other - I couldn't pay attention again. Hell, I'm getting bored recounting all this.

Kerry saus nuclear proliferation is bad. Can't say stop nukes and we make new ones (but the difference is we are good and Iran is bad!).

Bush says he increased funding for dealing with nuke proliferation. Agrees WMD's in terrorists hands is biggest threat. Says missile defense needed... and opponent opposed!

One minute extension!

Kerry says Norks have made more weapons under Bush. Mentions Russia again for some reason.

Bush says bilateral talks very bad. Won't do.

Question 18 to Bush: Did you misjudge Putin?

Bush says he doesn't like all Putin is doing and needs to remind him of democracy (tap him on shoulder and say, "Uh... you know you're supposed to be a democracy.")

Kerry said he watched transition of Russia up close and personal (must have shed a tear when Communism fell). Said he saw reams of files with names on them or something or other. Then he quotes George Will. Goes back to China and talks with Norks. Says president wrong about WMD's and bilateral talks.

One minute extension!

Bush said he has nothing to add (didn't want an extension). Says both looked at same intelligence and came to same conclusion. Won't say Kerry is a liar for coming to same conclusion as him (Ha!).

Kerry says not true coalition... blah blah blah... incredible mess.... blah blah blah... $200 billion dollars... blah blah blah. Says this wasn't what the American people voted for (the American people got to vote for war?).

Closing Comments (hooray! over!)

Kerry says nothing notable, but adds one more to Vietnam counter (7).

Bush says "No uncertainty or weakness!" Pounds podium again when talking about offense. Uses the spread freedom line again.

Wow. It ended on time. The Oscars could learn from these people.

Well, I still don't know Kerry's plan or what the hell he thinks about Iraq, but it was so long and boring that probably no one paid attention to notice that. I think it was a draw... which means Kerry won says this was supposed to be Bush's strong point.

What do you think?

For those who watched the debate, would John Kerry have gone to war with Iraq or not? I'm still confus-ed.

Anyway, I took tons of notes and will have a full analyzation of the debate tomorrow morning.

Be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: I have a special exclusive on the debates. I'll show you tomorrow.

I'm going to watch the presidential debate as soon as it starts. If you don't feel like catching it, I'll report everything you need to know tomorrow... and maybe have a new Know Thy Enemy™ if you're all good.

Later, sportsfans.

New crazy theory: maybe the orange Kerry is a way to color code the different Kerrys with all the different positions. Soon we'll see a blue Kerry, a red Kerry, a yellow Kerry, and maybe a purple Kerry. Each color Kerry will have it's own differently nuanced position of the day.

Frankly, it sounds like a good idea.

So what color Kerry will we see tonight...

The House has voted to make the oak the national tree. I guess that's all fine and good, but trees all look the same to me. Why not some more national things? Like, we have our national bird, but what about a national animal? I say the T-Rex... if it doesn't have to still be living. Here are some other national ideas:

National Amphibian: The American Hellbender, baby. Its name is wicked sweet.

National Fish: The dolphin.

National Factoid We Don't Care About: That the dolphin is not a fish.

National Firearm: I'm partial for the 1911, but I'm thinking it should be the peacemaker to piss-off all the Europeans who think "cowboy" is an insult.

National Country We Hate: France. It's part of being an American to hate France.

National Simpsons Quote: Lots of good quotes to choose from. Here's my suggestion:

Homer: Do you want it done right or do you want it done fast?

Marge: Like most Americans, I want it done fast!

National Action Movie: Die Hard. Taking out terrorists with a cowboy attitude. Yippee-ki-yi-yay, mother...

National Monotreme: Platypus or Echinda... how does one choose?

National Food: Stewed monkeys... or hotdogs.

National Attitude Towards Terrorism: Kill the Bastards!

National Made Up Kung Fu Move: Lunging Dragon Kick

National Blog: IMAO. My blog best represents America. If you don't like IMAO, you're a damn Commie!

National Insult: Damn Commie!

If have any opinons on these or ideas for other national stuff, put it in the comments... the national comments!

The media says that part of the Patriot Act was blocked by a judge, but the blogosphere says to the media that's bull-pucky.

Why you so stupid, stupid?

Maybe the media will start running its stories past the blogosphere in the future before showing them nationally.

Also, since I'm part of the blogosphere, remember that I'm smarter than the MSM and to listen to me first.

Kerry tried using humor, and it was big news. Yes, he bowled them over with his "How can he possibly be serious?", left them rolling in the aisles with his, "blah blah blah" and "you bet your boots," and nearly killed the audience with all his changing horses mid-stream jokes.

Honestly, Kerry has a lot of potential for humor, and me, a professional humorologist, has some tips for him.

First off, the pratfalls are funny, but they're more funny if he just laughs goofily afterwards instead of yelling, "That son of a bitch Secret Service agent knocked me over!" Also, I love his secret plans bit. "I have a secret plan for Iraq!" he says and, "I have a secret plan for North Korea!" while accusing Bush of "Secret plans to take away your milk!" and "Secret plans to draft your children!" That's wacky crazy, but it still needs some work. Maybe has a prop, he can have a folder labeled "Secret Plans" that he guards with extreme paranoia. Also, he had a great setup for a joke the other day when he said, "I have had only one position on Iraq!" but he didn't have a good punch line. Here's my recommendation: "I have consistently held only one position on whether the war in Iraq is right, and that position is 'Maybe!'"

Then again, Kerry seems more like a straight man, especially considering he hasn't even mastered the comic timing of Lurch. Maybe he could team up with Edwards (if that guy is still alive; anyone seen him?) and for the comic duo of "John and John." Then they can play jokes off each other:

Kerry: Hey, Eddie, why did the chicken cross the road?

Edwards: I dunno, Kerry, why did the chicken cross the road?

Kerry: I served in Vietnam!

Of course, Kerry really seems to be going all out with comedy now that he dyed himself orange. Just combine that with his bunny suit and my recommendation of dying his hair red, and he'd be hilarious. I just don't know if we want someone that dedicated to comedy being president, though, but he could be a wacky host of a kids show.

Strangely, you'd think someone so French-looking would go for humor by yelling, "Oh lady!" in a high-pitched voice. Maybe that’s something he can try at the debates tonight.

Mt. Saint Helens is not near Florida, right?

All I ever hear about Al-Jazeera is about some new video from terrorists they broadcast. So, is Al-Jazeera actually a news stations, or are they more like public access for terrorists?

I say I'm not sure and thus we should bomb them to be on the safe side.

What do you think?

Man, commutes without traffic lights suck.

Anyhoo, usually I wait for Links of the Day™ to be the last post of each day, but there are some good links to start out with.

CBS stepped in it again by doing a story about a draft coming back which is nothing but an urban legend. Bill at INDC Journal got to speak to a CBS reporter and producer about why in the world did they do such a story. BTW, you can go to Washington Post and vote for INDC Journal as best inside the beltway blog while you vote for me as class clown (yes, I'll take any plublicity I can get).

Pay Pal has ruled that Daily Pundit is no longer evil and fit for general consumption. Hooray!

Finally, SarahK now has the next day of our first adventure out together which involved going to a Dave Mathews Band concert. I guess I should write my own version later. I'll just say now that it's true she actually bought herself the edited version of Eminem's CD's (there's like four non-bleeped words per song) and I was stopped by security when trying to get in the concert.

Oh, and we are plotting something special together... Muh ha ha ha!

 Ever notice how everything MoveOn.org is reminiscent of Hitler?

 Of course you have? How can you not?

 They have extreme views and demean all those who disagree with them... like Hitler! In their Hitlerian viewpoint, all who are opposed to them must be crushed or reeducated, and they will attack with Nazi energy any who try and stop them. Plus, they’re funded by a billionaire with a weird accent. Know who else has a weird accent? Hitler!

 Do you doubt me? Then let's go through the Hitler checklist:

 Propaganda: Check!

 Belief in Superiority: Check!

 Blames All Their Problems on Others: Check!

 Puts People in Ovens: Probably!

 How can you sit there reading some stupid blog while Hitler like Nazism goes on as we speak? Are you lazy? Do you hate America? We need to stop these people! They will try to reeducate us with their brainwashing commercials until we are drooling sheep like them! But, if we stand up against them, evil Soros (Soros = Hitler) will use his money against you. Look how they’re mindlessly attacking Gallup polling now. Next, they’ll probably attack Plato for inventing logic which is constantly used against them. How long until they are defaming your grandmother or accusing you dog of being a scheming Jew? Three days to a week at most.

 So how can we stop Nazi-Hitler MoveOn.org Hitler-Nazis and their Goebbels like propaganda? The same way we stopped Nazis and Hitler in WWII - by saving tin. Yes, save all your tin. Only through tin can we stop liberal, muckadoo, Nazi, Hitler crazies. If you waste tin, you might as well have a lobotomy and join up the NaziMoveHitlerOn.org. They may put out their propaganda to make you not save tin, but you can just ignore or mock it the same as all their other ads.

 Yeah, that's right, you Hitleresque MoveOn.org Nazis; we have tin!

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such theological books as "Islam Means Peace and Other Ironies" and "The Separation of Church and Monkeys: The Case Against Hinduism."

Michelle Malkin talks about blog mobility in the ecosystem. I've tried for a while to find out what's a good way to make a permanent increase in traffic, and so far sending obviously forged documents to Dan Rather has worked best.

Once again, John Hawkins has the latest from the DU crazies so you don't have to wade through the putrid swamp yourself.

Finally, IMAO has entered the world of Sims. Soon I shall rule all universes! Muh ha ha ha!

I tired using a different browser and upgrading MT-Blacklist to 1.6.5, but I still get a "Could not save your blacklist data: Got a packet bigger than 'max_allowed_packet'" error when I try to update my spam list. Help! I'm being drowned in spam and I can't stop it!

Now, many people have asked me, "Why is Kerry orange?"

Kerry has said that he got a tan while playing touch football at Harvard for one hour, while the Harvard paper noted his odd coloration before the game of football.

Yes, the man can't even tell the truth about something as simple as a tan (or, in this case, an oranging).

Many think Kerry must have gotten some sort of spray treatment to tinge him orange in imitation of a tan. Other say that maybe he is a coral snake. These ideas are also unfounded.

The logical explanation is that Kerry purchased a thousand boxes of those generic popsicles that come in cherry, grape, and orange. He then discarded the cherry and grape popsicles and melted all the orange popsicles in a large vat in which he then soaked himself. This is a common French/pagan ritual which dates back hundreds of years. Kerry is obviously planning to use black magic at tomorrow's debate, so Bush better bring his best crucifix to fight Kerry's evil, orange power.

Black magic was how Carter was elected president, and we can't let it happen again!

Have you see what Moveon.org's latest target? It’s Gallup. Yeah, the pollster. They're attacking the pollster because it is projecting Bush ahead... like every other scientific poll.

Have these guys mated with African bees or something? I mean, they're like feral beasts attacking everything that moves now. If they get this panicked going into the election, what happens when Bush wins? Will the MoveOn.org people become like the killer zombie in 28 Days, savagely attacking everyone they see?

Probably.

On November 2nd, vote and then remember to pick up some shotgun shells on the way home.

On Monday, since I still didn't have any power, I decided to take down some storm windows to let some light in my house. After laying one of the metal sheets on the ground, a brightly colored creature crawled out from under it. It was a snake colored red, yellow, and black. I knew it was either the venomous coral snake or the harmless king snake, but forgot how to tell the difference. I vowed then and there that, once I learned how to tell them apart, I would make sure to never forget again.

I decided the best way to remember things, despite my poor singing abilities, was a song. So, that night, after getting info from SarahK, by candlelight I wrote a song about it.

Want to hear it?

Here it goes...

Coral vs. King Snake Song

Sitting in my house Saturday in the dark (I had no power and my storm windows blocked out the sun), I was hot and bored as the wind still howled about me. Out of this frustration I then drew my most artistic cartoon yet:

I will be watching the debate tomorrow. Should I do my first liveblogging, or wait for a full reaction the next day after it's over?

I vote for next day, because I have Friday off and am probably going to be lazy about coming up with posts. Plus, I've never liveblogged before... and I'm scared!

What do you think?

I still have a ton of e-mails to catch up on (i.e. read through and see which ones I deign worthy of a response). Also, I finally plan on doing a Peace Gallery update this weekend (sorry to all those who have been waiting).

Soon IMAO shall be stronger than ever. Muh ha ha ha!

"Okay, I'm in Melbourne... wherever the hell that is," Melinda Hawkish said as the hotel rocked with the fierce winds.

"Good. Now go outside in the hurricane for the broadcast," Geraldo instructed.

Melinda paused for a moment. "But there is a hurricane outside," she explained slowly.

"Yes, and, for good coverage, you need to be outside in it getting blown around."

"That's idiotic!" Melinda yelled, "I'll be risking my life, and they won't be able to hear me!"

"But it makes good coverage and gives people a good feel of the storm."

"Easy for you to say when you're in New York, mustache man. How about we point the camera out the window at the moron newscasters already out in the hurricane. Then we can have a new slogan: 'FOX News: Our reporters are smart enough not to stand out in deadly storms.'"

"You don't understand," Geraldo intoned, "It's journalistic tradition to have low-paid reporters stand out in the storm."

"The public doesn't need to see me get hit by a flying mailbox to know there is a storm!" Melinda protested, "They trust us enough to believe there is one without me being in it. It's not like I'm Dan Rather!"

* * * *

"This is Dan Rather with continuing coverage of Hurricane Jeanne which has surprisingly skipped right over Florida and landed in Minnesota. Yes, I know some ankle-biting pajama wearing fanatics known as 'bloggers' are disputing this, some claiming to be from Minnesota and showing pictures that everything is fine, but we still have this evidence."

Rather held up a photo of hurricane damage with the word "Minnesota" on it.

"See, this photo, sent to us by an anonymous, unimpeachable source, shows hurricane damage and is clearly labeled 'Minnesota.' And listen to this expert."

An expert walked up to Rather. "That is clearly a label." He then walked away.

"So, you snot-nosed punks, stop doubting me!" Rather then jumped up on his desk. "I am newscaster Rather! Fear my power, or I shall report your obituary!"

* * * *

"I thank everyone for coming to this press conference," Florida Governor Jeb Bush said, "These hurricanes have certainly been very hard on our state, and the amount of them is unusual. I've consulted a while with my staff, and we came to one conclusion: God is angry at us.

"We still have two months left of hurricane season in which God can express His wrath, so I think we need to make sure we are all extra holy. No sinning; nothing to provoke His unending rage. And, in case Pat Robertson is right, all you homosexuals better quit doing your... uh... gay stuff... you know. And I'm looking especially at Miami and Key West. Just cut that out... at least until December.

"I'm going to now go burn a goat as an offering to the Lord. Disney World is going a step further and burning all of Space Mountain as sacrifice to our wrathful God. If all the rest of you have something you can give up and burn in sacrifice, the firefighters will be handing out pamphlets on safe sacrifices.

"Thank you all, and please spare us, almighty Lord! Please take your wrath out on evil Cuba and the unfaithful Fidel. They don't have much of an economy to interrupt anyway."

* A new and very special In My World™.
* A new comic.
* Me singing an educational song
* And more!

You come to IMAO tomorrow! You no regret!

I'm trying to update my blacklist to stop comment spam, but I get this error message "Could not save your blacklist data: Got a packet bigger than 'max_allowed_packet'"

I just did the SP2 upgrade; any idea if this relates?

Power and internet is restored at home (though, oddly, my landline is down which was working throughout the hurricane), and just in time for my Star Wars DVDs I got in the mail today (now I can watch Greedo shoot first, but not quite as first as before). Expect beyond normal functioning of IMAO starting tomorrow morning.

Know what Florida could really use right now? Getting hit by an asteroid.

BTW, to help support IMAO through these trying times, remember to visit our advertisers. Right Wing Stuff is back with more... uh... right wing stuff. Also, Great American Shirts has it so now you can be Bush's runningmate. You check them out and all other advertisers! You do so now! And then you vote!

Everyone go here and vote for me as class clown! Do not whine about registering with the Washington Post, just take a minute and do so and then vote for me (and you can vote in the other categories, too, but make sure to vote for me in class clown; I don't know why I didn't make the other categories - maybe people don't take me seriously)!

I don't care if your grandmother is sick; you take care of grandmother later! You vote now!

UPDATE: You must have your own registration to vote; you can't just use someone else's because it makes sure there is only one vote per registered person. So you register and you vote now, or me make no more funny! Then you be sad and you die!

UPDATE2: My nomination for best "Inside the Beltway" blog goes to INDC Journal. Bill did some great work for memogate, including personally contacting an expert on typesettings to help get facts on the hoax. All the blogosphere gained in credibility from Bill's work, and he deserves your vote. Also, he's up against a few who definitely should not win.

Monkeys are out there and are evil!

FEMA really should include blogging equipment as part as their disaster recovery. What do I need ice for? I like my Doritos at room temperature.

Anyway, while I'm still getting my bearings, check out this Get Fuzzy comic pointed out to me by a couple readers. That cat Bucky knows the score.

So what interesting events in politics and in the news did I miss over the past couple days? If nothing, make something up.

I'm pretty sure the world stopped to wait until I was heard from again, but what do you think?

As long as I know how to love, I know will stay alive.

Hey, everybody, it's your favorite internet humorist, Frank J. I had a cold shower by flashlight this morning and then warm coke and Oreos (half chocolate, half peanut butter) for breakfast. BTW, shaving by flashlight is spooky.

Anyway, I'm at work now, but I probably won't have time for some regular posting until I get power at home. I did draw a comic borne out of frustration that's waiting to be scanned. Also, I was inspired to compose an educational song which I will record me singing. Finally, I have plans for a special In My World™ for when I have power and time to write it.

Until then, check out this comic SarahK did depicting my plight (I did have a working phone until last night). Maybe I’ll post some more today considering how much I’m able to do at work and after I catch up on politics.